Out of the Mouths of Babes
by Mrs Muir
Summary: 3rd Baby SeriesStory of a Vampire & Slayer whose lives should be settled but she's pregnant, their daughter is growing too fast, the demons are fighting for their rights and his past is coming back to bite them Complete
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

_August 25, 2007__7:25 AM_

"Good morning, baby. How are you? Are you being good for Daddy?" Spike cooed to Buffy's stomach while she ran her fingers through his still sleep tousled hair.

"I don't think Wills Jr. is listening too well," Buffy joked.

Spike's eyebrows met in a scowl directed at his wife. "Wills Jr. is not going to be his name."

"We have lots of time to discuss the baby's name," she laughed as she bent down to kiss him. 

Meeting her halfway their lips fused in a mutual need to share their happiness with the other. Spike dropped to his knees and pulled her forward until she was pressed against him. Desire raced through them as their tongues wrapped around the other. 

"Mmm, we need to stop," Buffy panted even as her lips joined his again. His hands slipped under her tank top kneading the small of her back when there was a knock on the back door. 

"Damn," Spike cursed as he rose to see who was here that early in the morning. "It had better be important," he muttered as he pulled the door open.

"Good morning. I hope I'm not disturbing you." Giles politely said in greetings.

"No, of course not. Come in," Spike replied cordially.

Buffy darted over to them with a huge smile, "Can I tell him? Spike, can I tell him?"

Pulling her close to him he nodded his consent but before she did Giles turned and sat at the table. He looked up at them with a serious expression gracing his countenance. 

"Did you hear from Max about the arraignments?"

Buffy's face fell as Giles totally ignored that she wanted to tell him good news. 

"Yes, they all went through. So, they will stand trial soon." She snapped. "Giles, what's going on?"

It was obvious that Giles was stalling about something and it was something that wasn't going to make them happy.

"I know about the baby, Buffy. I'm sorry that I have to ruin the happy news." He pulled his glasses off and began to wipe them as the couple came to sit with him at the table.

"Does everybody know about this child before me?" The expectant mother complained as she threw her hands up in the air.

"You're a Slayer. It's caused some mystic stir and the Council called me earlier about it." Giles explained. "And because of it they have chosen a new Slayer."

"Well, they would have to anyway since Faith died. Right?" Spike commented.  "So, when she does get to Sunnydale?"

This was one of the hardest things that the Watcher had ever had to do to his Slayer. This was even worse than his betrayal on her eighteenth birthday or suggesting they destroy Dawn to protect the world.  He sighed as he forced himself to look back at her and reached across the table to take her hand. 

"She's already here." His voice was low and filled with grief. It took only a moment for Buffy to read between the lines.

"No, no, you all can not have my daughter. No, get out of here and tell them to go to hell." She yelled at him as she pushed away from the table. 

"Giles, you can't be serious." Spike asked in disbelief. Raven was still fourteen and totally unprepared for that life.

"I'm afraid that I am. They have chosen her because of the two of you." 

"What do you mean?" Buffy was backed up against the counter her arms wrapped her herself. It seemed there never stopped being a reason to cry. Their lives were finally settling down after the arrests of the Soldiers responsible for the murders. She was pregnant and the children were feeling secure in their place in spite of it. Now, Giles just walked in here with a decision made by men she hated halfway around the world that would totally turn their world upside down again.

"You two have changed history. There are effects being felt by your union all over the world. Demons are beginning to want their voices heard in the communities in which they live. Never before has a Slayer made it to her late twenties much less gotten married or had babies.  They feel that a Slayer surrounded by family and friends and a support group has a better chance of surviving."

"Duh," Buffy scathingly mocked him.

"Buffy, I'm sorry. It's already done. She's been infused with the power. It's time to tell her and start training. You two of course are going to be her trainers while I am technically her Watcher." 

"Well, gee, we wouldn't want you out of a job, now would we?" Spike commented. "Never mind the fact that you want us to put our daughter's life on the line just because they decided. Well, it's not going to happen. Go tell them to choose someone else."

"Daddy, are you all talking about me?" Raven asked as she stepped into the kitchen.

"Raven, go back upstairs. This is between Buffy and me and Giles." 

"No, you all are talking about me. I'm supposed to be like Mummy?   A Slayer?" Raven asked cautiously. Spike had told her that eavesdropping wouldn't give you what you wanted but even as agitated as her parents were, the idea of being a Slayer excited her. In the two short months she had been here she had gone from hating Buffy for it to respecting her position. The respect and loyalty that her mother held made her proud. She had watched Buffy train and spar with Spike and the control and strength of her body was something to marvel at. 

"No, you are not going to be a Slayer." Buffy firmly insisted while looking at Giles. How dare he come in here and tell her that Raven was to be the next sacrificial lamb on the Council's plate? She honestly felt that it was their way of getting back at her for never listening to them and not respecting their tyrannical and old-fashioned ways. It was a way for them to exact revenge against her by enforcing their will on her innocent child.

"Buffy, it's already done." Giles reminded her.

"Then the Slayer line ends." Spike said. Fear was his most prominent emotion at the moment. The thought of Buffy and Raven both on the line terrified him. Faith's death had not only taken away another friend but had tormented him with memories of losing Buffy. The thought of losing Raven was not something he could even contemplate.

"Raven, you were told to go upstairs, now go," Buffy commanded.

The new Slayer ignored her mother's voice and made her way toward the world weary Watcher. 

"You were saying that things have changed. The world is changing. What difference is this going to make to a Slayer?"

"She has to change with it. Be aware of the difference between demons who are good and those that are still pure evil and need to be destroyed and have the wisdom to know that difference and act accordingly. She will be the one to bridge the gap between humans and the demon world. And to help bring the changes about that the world will need to cope in the years to come. Her job is no longer just about killing the monsters but about bringing life to creatures that deserve the best that the world has to offer."

The teenager hung her head for a moment watching her foot move back and forth as she contemplated the role that was offered her. If she didn't want it then she just needed to say to her parents and they would protect her from this calling. It was that easy to run from it. Her mind went over the things that she had seen in the last few months that had made her older and wiser than her short years should be. She thought of her parents dying for being in love, of Faith dying innocently by a bullet meant for her new mother, of Buffy and Spike's fight to be together. She remembered the stories she was told of Spike regaining his soul to be a better person and of Angel's fight to keep his. There was Clem, Sean, and Cordelia's choice to be a demon, and Connor born of two vampires and her little brother that would eventually look to her for the right way to go. 

Looking up she studied Spike and then Buffy and replayed the words they had told her that this was where she was meant to be and now she knew that this was why she had ended up in California instead of returning to the village of her mother's birth. 

Knowing this was going to tear Buffy to shreds she walked over to her and took both of her hands in her own.

"I want this. This is why I am here. With you and Daddy and the others here I'm not afraid of it. To end the Slayer line now would leave the world unprotected and unprepared for what is coming. I want to make a difference. Please?"

Buffy looked into the earnest face of her oldest child and knew in her heart that this was meant to be. Life always had its way of weaving fates when you were looking the other way. She pulled Raven against her and wept for the child that had slowly started to disappear the night her parent's died and was now gone forever.

With resignation Spike gave Giles one last look of disgust before pulling his Slayers into his arms. 

"So, you think you can kick my ass now, Princess?" Spike joked and grinned when Raven and Buffy laughed.  '_Life is about to become really interesting.' He thought as he pulled them back into his arms. He squeezed his girls a little tighter as he realized that a new journey was just beginning for them._

TBC


	2. Restoration

**Chapter 1 – Restoration**

The campus was flooded with students moving about as if there was some great purpose to their migration. Spike smiled as he walked amongst them observing their joy and misery of college life. After a quick glance at the Rolex that now graced his wrist he picked up his pace toward the Science Building while his other hand took a moment to absently caress the present from Buffy. 

While Raven had been planning her birthday party, she had asked her parents about their birthdays. She had marked Buffy's in her calendar after being told and her gaze fell to Spike in anticipation of him divulging his. It had been Buffy who had quietly told her that Spike didn't celebrate birthdays. The marking of the years wasn't important to someone who would live forever. In light of the fact that his body was now aging and he had still refused to give up his actual birth date, the women in his house had decided the day of his change would be his day of marking. They had planned a small belated family party with just the four of them to celebrate. There had been a cake and presents, the watch from Buffy and sunglasses from Raven. 

It was one of the nicer things about the changes. As much as he had wanted to be there for his family no matter what the time of day, there were a lot of things he hated about it too. He understood what Buffy meant when she had come back, about it being bright and harsh and violent. You couldn't hide things in the day not like you could in the softness of the night. There was also the sweating, the sun burns, and getting sick. A cold had caught him in the first month of being changed and he had driven everyone crazy with his whining. It was horrible. The not being able to breathe when you knew you had to, the coughing and the burning up. All he had wanted to do was crawl into a freezer just to cool off for a few moments.

But all in all it was worth it. It was just going to take time for him and everyone else to finish adjusting. Right now all he wanted to do was catch up with Dawn. It was time. Buffy's first doctor's appointment with the obstetrician was tomorrow and Raven's party was this weekend. They both needed Dawn in their lives right now and he was the only one that could give that to them. Out of respect for him they hadn't attempted contact or even mentioned her name. So, for them he was going to try to talk to her, to see if they could reach some understanding.

He glanced up and realized he was now in front of the building he was seeking. There were students pouring from the glass doors and he waited. The students pushed around him as he stood in the middle of the sidewalk, unyielding as he looked for his Niblet's face in the crowd. The term was almost sarcastic now because in a way she would never be that to him again. And with a sigh he also knew that she would always in a way be that to him but there was still a lot of anger still to work through.

He spotted her with Janice and a couple of other girls he didn't know. At almost the same time she saw him, froze briefly then deliberately looked away. As she attempted to walk by him, he reached out to grab her.

"Let go of me or I am going to scream," she told him bitingly. 

"Go ahead and I'll have you arrested for conspiracy to kidnap. Actually, one of the guys was more than happy to throw your name in the mix. Said you were trying to hire them to do it." Spike cocked his head as he saw the guilt flood her eyes. "Is that what you wanted?"

"Let go of me," Dawn bit out as she jerked her arm out of hand. She started to walk away but he stayed right beside her.

"Dawn, do you want us to get security?" Janice asked. 

"You might want her to. Did you know the chip doesn't work anymore? Makes me even more dangerous than you thought." 

It was too much. The guilt, the fear, the isolation from her family, Dawn stopped and turned to look at him. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at her former hero. The one she had hung all her dreams of perfection on. The one she used to dream of marrying, of being her true love, and the one she used to want to be her first kiss.  The same one who had broken every last one of them. Jealousy was a hard master and she had yielded to its call willingly. It was one thing to lose to Buffy. She had known from the beginning that Buffy had always held his heart but to lose to Donna was too much. 

"Please leave me alone, Spike. Just go away." 

Spike sighed as he saw the heartbreak in her eyes. "I love you, Dawn. Always will. I don't break my promises." 

"You lying bastard," Dawn broke dropping her books and launched herself at him. They landed in the grass on the side of the walkway. He didn't fight back as she beat him with her fists. "You promised five years ago that it was over and that Donna didn't mean anything. But you ran to her. You left us. You left me and I have loved you so much and you lied. You lied. You weren't here. You broke all your promises. I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you."

Then it was over and the storm turned gentler as she sobbed against him. Spike wrapped his arms around her as he sat up. He rocked her against him as she let go of the last of her teenage dreams. He had always known that her heart could be his, even after Buffy and after Josh. First love always had the strongest hold. Especially when you blocked out the flaws and set a level that could never be reasonable reached by the object of your attraction or anyone that would attempt to follow. 

After a few minutes Dawn pulled back to sit on the grass and watched him with wary eyes. Spike sat up and reached over to gather her things and set them in a pile next to her. Then he waited for her.

Cerulean eyes met green ones as they each contemplated the other. Finally Dawn spoke, "I didn't mean for you to be hurt."

"What did you want?"

She laughed uncomfortably, "For you to hurt as much as me."

"I never meant to hurt you. Or Buffy. I fucked up, Dawn, I'm the first to admit it." Spike pulled his knees up as he wrapped his arms around them. "I got scared, started to feel I wasn't any good to your sis anymore, and I went to someone who I knew wouldn't demand as much from me." Then he shrugged his shoulders.

"It wasn't really my business," Dawn muttered as she looked away from him. The intensity that was Spike was too much for her. It made her look at herself and it wasn't what she wanted to see.

"Dawn, you have to let go of whatever fantasies or expectations from me that are left."

"Don't flatter yourself," she bit out as she began to gather her books and as she hoisted them into her arms, she dropped them again. "As far back as I can remember when everything was dark and scary, you were always there." Her gaze dropped to her hands that were in her lap, slowly wringing in a move that was pure Buffy. "I used to weave fairy tales that you would come rescue me on your motorcycle. That one day that you would see that I was really the one for you."

"And your husband?"

Her eyes flew up to meet his.

"I love him with everything that I am but you were like always the one in my head. The one that he was measured against and if you could fail Buffy so much then maybe Josh would be like everyone else too and leave me."

"I'm still here. You have a huge family that loves you."

"I'm always going to be Dawn the pest. The youngest."

"Quit your bitching, Dawn. It's time to grow up. Buffy and Raven both need you right now. Josh needs you to love him for him not because he reminds you of me somehow."

"How dare you?" 

The former key stood quickly, grabbing her books before walking off. The truth was too much right now because she still expected the protection and coddling that was always there before from Spike. 

"Raven's birthday is Saturday at two and if you can remove the pole from your ass, you are invited." Spike called out to her as she walked away. She was acting more like Buffy in her bitch days than the sweet girl that he had always taken care of. It hurt that she didn't see how hateful and bitter she was becoming and he hoped that she would change before it was too late.

He trotted for a few seconds so that he was close to her again and stopped.

"Buffy is pregnant, you know. We are all there for her but she could really use you. Since you are going to be the child's aunt and the only link she really has back to your mum."

Dawn halted for a second before continuing on, refusing to look back at him. The news of a baby on the way really threw her. No one had told her yet about it. Pride made her keep going but all she could think about was her sister and how excited she must be. More guilt surfaced as she thought of her estrangement from Buffy. She still loved her sister and Spike was right; Buffy would need her in the coming months. Maybe it was time to rethink things after all. 

Maybe.

TBC


	3. Typical

**Chapter 2 – Typical**

_September 20, 2007__12:15 AM___

"Spike, get off me." Buffy pushed back against her husband, hoping to make him roll over. "SPIKE. OFF. NOW." 

Sniff. Snort. "Buffy. What?" He asked and then once again settled closer to her wrapping his arm around her, his hand protectively covered her lower stomach where his child slept.

"Spike, so help me, if you don't get off…NOW!"

Buffy flipped onto her back and pushed hard against Spike's chest.   
  
"Damn it," Spike muttered as his eyes flew open from being pulled from the sleep he had finally achieved.

"Over there," Buffy pointed to the other side of the bed. "I'm burning up and you're all hot and sweaty."

He glared at her for a moment before moving across the bed settling on his stomach where he could still watch her. Being pregnant had been a roller coaster ride for Buffy. Adjusting to hormones she didn't even realize she had. A Slayer's body as far as they knew had never carried life before and it was creating conflicting signals in her natural desire to fight and the woman side of her that wanted to nest. And, unfortunately for Spike, was making Buffy extremely mood.

"Argh, can the air conditioner go any lower before I spontaneously combust?" Buffy complained as she kicked the covers off.  Even in her naked state, liberated from the covers, Buffy was still frustrated.  "Don't get any ideas." She could feel Spike eyeing her nudity with wakeful interest. It had been days since they had had sex because hot flashes continually wracked her body and the last thing she wanted was to create any more heat.

"Kitten, the thermostat is set at 65 degrees. I had to put an extra blanket on Elijah so he wouldn't freeze." 

"Kitten? I am not having a litter." 

Spike intelligently kept his mouth shut, not wanting to make matters worse. He was jarred from his thoughts as she suddenly turned her head towards him with a gleam in her eyes that made him shift a little further away from her.

"Do you know what would make me feel better?" 

He eyed her warily. The last scheme she had come up with was filling the bathtub up with ice water and that, of course, had not turned out well.

"Ice cream. Go get me some. Please.  We're out. I finished all we had this afternoon."

"No."

"Please. I would for you and our baby."

"Yeah, and it was only two hours ago that you woke me up and sent me out for jelly doughnuts. And now I am trying to sleep in the crumbs of that particular midnight snack."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, knowing that she was irritating him although he rarely showed it.

That moved him more than the whining ever could; Spike sighed and got out of bed, reaching for the jeans he had pulled off only a short time ago.

"You don't have to go."

He leaned one knee on the bed so he could kiss her. She accepted his kiss and returned it with a fervor she hadn't shown in a while.

"I'll go. I want you to be happy and the little one."

"Stay," she murmured after pulling him down to her.

His eyes opened in surprise. "Are you sure?" 

"I'm on top." She commanded giggling at his hopeful expression. 

"You won't hear any complaints from me," he growled as his eyes wandered over her naked body.

Her hands moved over him as she rolled over and straddled him. "It's been too long," she told him as she sucked his nipple into her mouth. There was a quick nibble before moving further down to lap at his belly button. 

"Can I touch you?" He asked then groaned in anticipation as she undid his pants. Her head popped up with a smile lighting up her face. 

"Nope, just lie back and enjoy it." 

He didn't need to know that from her position on top of him the air conditioner was blissfully blowing on her finally giving her some relief from the heat of her body. Plus she was still adjusting to how warm he was to touch. She was always going to miss the coolness of his body that he had before because it had felt good when he covered her overheated skin and now the two of them together were creating too much heat for her hormonal body.

Just as her hands were beginning to tug his pants from him there was a knock on the door.

"Mum, Dad, you still awake?" Raven called.

"Shit," Spike muttered.

Buffy only giggled as she reached for her night shirt that had been discarded earlier and pulled it over her head. "Just a second," she called as she slid back under the covers then after making sure that Spike was covered she told Raven to come in.

Raven peeked her head around the door before stepping into the room. 

"Hey, sorry if I was interrupting anything," Raven said with a big grin

"It's okay, I am going to die being horny," Spike muttered.

"Spike, don't say things like that in front of her," Buffy swatted him with the back of her hand.

"Sorry, Princess, how was patrol?" 

"It was fine, got one fledging and one really weird looking demon with this chain through his face." Raven responded proudly. "Well, Xander helped with the demon but I did the fledging all by myself."

"Good girl," Buffy congratulated her. "How did it go with Xander and Willow patrolling with you?"

Raven shrugged her shoulders unwilling to insult her Mum's best friends.

"Truth," Spike prodded her.

"They're fine. I love 'em to death and they're really good but all," she rolled her eyes, "they do is talk about the glory days. Every time we come across something its, 'well, Buffy would have done it this way'. Or they tell me stories about when you all were in high school."

Her parents laughed at her complaint. When they had let Raven out to patrol, Willow and Xander had volunteered to go with her some nights. In a weird way they missed those days and it was a way for them to relive them. Spike just teased them that they couldn't face the fact they were growing old.

"And it's not the same as…" Raven started then stopped after a quick glance at Spike.

"Not the same as Connor patrolling with you, huh?" Buffy asked kindly.

"No," Raven shook her head.

"Are you encouraging her feelings for him? Because if you are…" Spike started as he glared at Buffy.

"No, but that doesn't mean I can't empathize." Buffy argued.

Everyone in Sunnydale had been surprised when at the end of August; Connor had shown up at the Blood's door announcing he was moving to town to go to college there. Spike had thrown a fit saying he couldn't then when Connor refused to go back to LA, he had called Angel and told him to remove his son from town or Spike would do it for him. It hadn't worked. Angel hadn't wanted his son in Sunnydale anymore than Spike did but he was old enough to make his own decisions. 

Raven had been in a cloud ever since even though Connor still treated her like a pesky little sister. He and Clem had moved into an apartment together between the campus and the demon side of town.  Connor came by two or three times a week to help Raven train and to patrol with her. The only positive thing that Spike could see in the situation was that Raven worked harder at her training to try to impress Connor which only made her better in her new role. 

"Daddy, don't worry. Nothing is going to happen. He won't look at me like that."

"He better not and you had better not be flirting with him.  Are you listening to me, Raven?" 

"Oh, God, I am going to bed. Good night." Raven rolled her eyes at her father one more time before she flounced out of the room. __

After the door closed behind their daughter the air between them filled with tension. It had been an argument that Buffy and Spike had been having since Connor moved to town. Once again Angel was between them and they hadn't been able to make peace about it. Spike was unyielding on the subject and because of it Angel had been unable to fulfill his promise to settle things between him and his Grand-childe.

"Please, don't," Buffy whispered as she turned to lay a hand on Spike's chest. Her fingers gently caressed him in an effort to calm him. 

"Don't what? Protect my family. Protect her."

"What is it going to take for you to see that Connor is not Angel? He hasn't even looked at her like he is interested in her."

"He is following the same pattern as good old Angel though, isn't he? You can't deny that. You got called, Angel followed you here, helped you out which is the same thing that Connor is doing to Raven."

"And the difference is that we are aware of everything and we'll be able to help her make better decisions than I did." Buffy shifted closer to Spike and moved her hand so she could turn his face toward her. The pain and hurt in his eyes made her ache for him. She caressed his cheek knowing that he meant the best but his constant anger and hostility toward the young man would only drive Raven to defend him. "Don't alienate her, Baby; she needs you to be there for her. Especially the further along I get."

"I'm sorry. I just don't want to see her hurt." 

"I know."

Spike sighed and dropped it. It seemed that no one but him could see what could possibly happen between the two. Maybe they didn't want to see the temptations that could come up and he didn't trust Connor to be able to make the best decisions for his daughter. Whenever he and Buffy tried to talk about, they always ended up fighting about her past with Angel. Buffy would defend her ex and Spike would only get angrier and more frustrated about the whole matter. 

"You okay?" Buffy asked softly.

"Yeah, just dandy," Spike wrapped a finger around a lock of her hair and pulled her down to kiss her. "I love you."

"I love you, too." 

Sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon for him so after kissing Buffy again he scooted out from under her. 

"Where are you going?"

"Downstairs," he answered as he fastened his pants. 

"Spike, don't do this. Please."

"Do what? Go downstairs?"

Buffy sat up in bed readying herself for the argument that seemed inevitable. 

"No, run. Keep secrets. Not talk to me."

With a laugh he sat down on the bed again.

"I'm not running. Just feeling restless and I know I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. I'm going to go downstairs and start playing around with some ideas for the next book."

"Thought you were going to wait to start writing again?"

"Am, pet. Just brainstorming some. Keep things fresh but I promised that I'd been around more to help out so no actually writing."

Buffy's gaze dropped to her hands as she sighed. She knew that there had been a lot of pressure on Spike lately. She needed him more because of the pregnancy. More help with the house and the kids. And they had been faced with the full demands of parenthood as soon as school had started. His book was going to go on sale shortly before Christmas and he was dealing with his publisher and the requests for public appearances. Then there was the whole thing with training Raven and the business with Connor. Of course there were also all the changes in him. Their life had just gotten fuller and busier in the last month then it had ever been. Even though most of it was cause for happiness, she also knew that neither of them had ever dealt with this much at one time and she was worried that they wouldn't be able to handle it all.

"So, everything is okay? No secrets. No problems I don't know about."

She sounded so worried that Spike could only reach out and pull her to him. He hugged her tightly as she wrapped her arms around him. 

"There is nothing that you don't know about." 

As his words spilled over her in a comforting wave she still felt tension coiled in him. Buffy pulled back so that she could look at him.

"What?"

"I saw Dawn yesterday. I didn't tell you before because I was afraid that nothing would come of it." He sighed. "But I know when I do that it usually it ends up being a big deal."

She laughed softly. 

"It's okay. You're forgiven. I take it that nothing happened?"

Spike shook his head. "No, I told her about the baby though. And I invited her to Raven's party. Why don't you try calling her?"

"You don't mind?"

"No, she'll probably listen to you before she'll listen to me." He ran his hand lightly down her hair, "Wanna come downstairs with me and raid the refrigerator."

"Best damn idea you've had all night," Buffy said as she climbed out of the bed.

Laughter rumbled through Spike as Buffy headed out of the room. He stood and followed her. He was as worried as she was about all the stress they were under and tried to be as open as he could be about things. Unfortunately, there were things that they talked about, knew about, went round and round about but they never really got settled. Angel and Connor were a big one. There was the lack of sex since she had found out she was pregnant and he knew that it shouldn't bother him so much but it did. It had always been one of the things that had made him communicate his love to her and made him feel her love for him. He missed the intimate communing with Buffy's body that would always remind him of how close they truly were.

He chuckled as he entered the kitchen and found Buffy with her nose already in the refrigerator. Her eyes turned to look at him briefly, "Are you laughing at me?" she asked as she handed him the milk and some stuff to make sandwiches.

"Never Baby."

When she turned and smiled at him again, he saw the love in her eyes and felt the tension slowly leaving his body. He knew there wasn't anything that he and this woman couldn't get through together. He reached for the bread and as they sat at the table they started to talk about their doctor's visit only a few hours away and the things that they needed to get done. As the conversation flowed between them they found themselves settling into the roles that were now comfortable for them.

TBC

  
  



	4. Miracles and Wishes

**Chapter 3 – Miracles and Wishes**

_September 20, 2007__ _11:35 AM__

The paper wrapped around her waist kept crunching every time she moved and the room was icy cold. Buffy didn't say anything because all she had been doing lately was complaining about how hot she was and Spike didn't need any more ammunition to be snarky.  She stared down at her toes contemplating the new shade of pink polish that Raven had picked out, decided she did like it after all and started to swing her feet again. 

Spike wandered the room inspecting everything to stave off the nervousness. The last time they had been in a doctor's exam room was when they were trying to get pregnant. This was the last place he wanted to be but he knew that it was important to Buffy for him to be there so he had volunteered before even being asked. Then after Xander had talked to him about what to expect and how vital his role as a father was to the whole thing he had begun to get excited about it.

"What's this?" He held up an instrument that he had found on a tray in the corner.

"God, Spike, put it down." 

"Just trying to do the right thing and be all curious and I get yelled at."

"It's a speculum. It's so the doctor can look at my cervix. Happy now?" Buffy snapped as she continued to exam her feet. She realized that he was nervous but his constant movements were making her anxiety level rise. Then his feet came into view as he moved to stand in front of her.

"Embarrassed to have me here? Cause frankly this ain't doing a whole lot for me."

Her head snapped up ready to lash out at him but only found him grinning at her. She playfully pushed at him.

"Stop it. I'm nervous enough."

Then he started to pull the stirrups out of the table, extending them until they were in their proper positions. He looked to the left one and to the right one then back at Buffy.

"Can we get one of these at home? Might be fun." He wiggled his eyebrows at her as he grinned lasciviously.

"No, don't you ever think of anything besides sex?" Buffy rolled her eyes as his hands ran up the outside of her thighs and he leaned closer to her.

"Might not if I was getting some." 

"It's normal in the first trimester." They both looked around at the voice that had come into the room. "I'm Dr. Parker. Don't think we need the stirrups yet."

"Sorry," Spike mumbled as he put them away. 

Buffy and the doctor both laughed as he quickly sat down.

"It's okay. You're Spike, right?" After receiving a nod in agreement Dr. Parker continued. "Lack of sexual drive is normal during the first trimester because of all the changes her body is going through especially if she is having a lot of morning sickness. Be patient it will come back."

Nodding in relief Spike settled back as the doctor started to question Buffy. Kate had recommended this doctor because she was aware of the demon world and would be able to handle all the unusual aspects of their lives. He decided that he already liked her from the no nonsense approach in which she had handled his behavior when she came into the room. Her appearance also gave off a comforting but practical air. Dr. Parker was a black woman that appeared to be in her mid-forties and she had a slightly round face that denoted her slightly overweight appearance. When the two women laughed he glanced over at Buffy and realized that she liked her too and was beginning to relax under her humorous approach to the visit.

 "Well, it seems the due date should be right around April 27th." Dr. Parker hesitated and looked back at her calendar then over at them. "Kate said that the conception happened after your change but to be honest from your last period your ovulation was almost over with. The date most likely for conception would have been the fifth of August. Two days before. It's still possible that it happened afterwards but not as likely."

Spike looked up at Buffy and she looked down at him in amazement. It was something that they hadn't even considered. They had tried for so long with no results that they assumed it was because of the transformation. Then she smiled as she reached for his hand.

"It was the desk."

"Must have been," he agreed.

"Something I don't need to know." Dr. Parker smiled at them. It was good to have a couple that had gone through so much to have a child. These were the kind of pregnancies she enjoyed being a part of. "Know you're going to hate this part but it's time for the pelvic. I'm also going to have a sonogram done because of the extenuating parentage. Everything will be done in this office for that reason too. The less people who know the better off we are."

Spike stood so that he could hold Buffy's hand with one of his and the other could stroke her hair. She was smiling as she looked up at him but he knew she was afraid that the exam would show something to be wrong. But it took only a few minutes and it was over and everything was pronounced fine at that point.

"Lita will be the one to do the sonogram but I'll stay during it. Be right back."

After the door closed Buffy pulled Spike to her in a fierce hug. "I need you. Thank you for being here."

"No other place I want to be than here." He whispered. 

Someone poked their head in and told them that they needed to go down the hall to another exam room for the procedure. Spike dropped his duster around her to make sure she was covered for the migration and then kept his arm draped around her. Lita and Dr. Parker were already waiting for them and they soon had Buffy up on the table. Her hand was clenching his in a bone crushing grip.

"This first one is going to be transvaginal scan which means the transducer goes into the vagina." Lita explained. 

Spike thought he was the one that was going to faint when Lita pulled out a long piece of plastic that was to be inserted inside his wife. 

"You're turning green, Mr. Blood." Dr. Parker said. "Are you going to be all right?"

Her comment had the desired effect because Buffy laughed at his queasy expression which helped her to relax some. After everything was set up, Lita turned some dials then turned the screen toward them.

"There's your baby," she announced pointing to a small oval shape. "You can't really see anything but the gestation sac at this point but that's it. Would you like a picture?"

"Yes," Buffy answered. It was too surreal for her at the moment to believe that the glob on the screen was her baby. 

Spike stood transfixed at the screen as the reality of their baby wrapped itself around his heart.

Lita turned some more dials and the room was flooded with the sound of their baby's heartbeat. 

"Oh, my God, Spike, that's our baby," Buffy's face lit up in pure joy at the sound. Everything they had gone through in the last year had just become worth every second in that moment to her. They had created this child together; a symbol of the love that they had fought for.

It was too much for Spike. To stand there and listen to the heartbeat of a child that had come from him hit him like nothing in his existence ever had. This moment made everything he had ever gone through worth it. He knew in his soul that every moment with Buffy had been building toward this moment and he crumpled under the magnitude of it. He buried his face against her as he began to sob. Her arms came around him as she whispered how much she loved him and that everything was going to be fine.

"I'll give you two a few minutes alone," Dr. Parker whispered. "Just come back down the hallway to the exam room when you're ready."

Buffy nodded in gratitude as she ran her hand up and down Spike's back.

It took him a couple of minutes for him to get himself back together and when he raised his head he found he was alone with  Buffy. 

"You okay?" She asked softly as her fingers wiped the tears from his face. He nodded his head as he leaned down to kiss her tenderly. 

"I love you so much, pet." His hand covered her lower stomach. "I never thought we'd be here. That I could ever be so lucky to have you love me and that we'd create a baby." He broke out with an even bigger grin, "Buffy, we're going to have a baby." 

"Yeah, we are. It's a good thing we never killed each other in the beginning." She smiled at him enjoying the way his face was so filled with happiness. If nothing else reassured her that this was the right thing that look did.

"Can we get out of here?" 

"Yeah, we can. Just need to see the doctor for a minute then we can leave. Okay?"

He nodded and helped her get up from the table. It took only a few minutes before Buffy was allowed to get dressed again and they were able to leave.

As they walked through the parking lot Buffy snapped her fingers. "I forgot we're supposed to pick up some more streamers and balloons for Raven. Is it okay if we stop on the way home?"

"Yeah, doesn't she have enough to decorate the house and half the neighborhood though?"

"It's her first birthday with us and as long as it's not hurting anything I just want to let her have what she wants."

Spike nodded as he reached out to open the van door for Buffy. There was enough to worry about with Raven without concerning themselves with the little things. After she was settled in he closed the door and quickly walked around the van.

"How about some lunch first?" Spike asked as he settled behind the wheel and started the vehicle. 

Buffy smiled, "Yeah that sounds good."

They had a quick lunch and then picked up the rest of the supplies for Raven before heading home. Buffy kept looking at Spike as they went about their errands contemplating the changes in him. He was being so sweet to her, always there to help out and checking every few minutes to make sure she had everything that she needed. 

On the way home she leaned her head against the window letting her eyes shut. She was feeling drowsy from the heat of the afternoon and it would feel good to get home and sleep for an hour or so. She felt his fingers reach over to tuck her hair behind her ear and she grabbed his hand bringing it to her mouth so that she could kiss it. 

"I love you," she whispered.

"Love you, too, Pet." 

Then she felt it. It moved through her body, warm and tingling, flooding her nerve endings with desire for him. And she wanted him now. Her head popped up and looked around noting that they were getting ready to pass the cemetery.

"Now, turn in the cemetery." Buffy called out as she reached for the wheel.

"What? What's wrong?" 

He swatted her hand away from the wheel but did as she asked. It was too bred in him to follow her orders because there was always the possibility of an attack that he didn't know about. His eyes opened wide when he looked over at her and she was lifting her skirt.

"Buffy, what the hell is going on?"

"Park somewhere." Her hands started to pull her panties down. "If you want to get laid, find somewhere to park now."

"We are two minutes from the house." 

He pulled the van behind a crypt just as she knelt between the seats and began to undo his pants.

"Shit, what if someone sees us?"

"Quit being a prude. You're the one that's been complaining that you aren't getting any."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean I wanted it in the cemetery in the middle of the afternoon." 

"Fine, I'll take care of it myself."

Buffy didn't mean it as her hands wrapped around him and began to stroke him. When he moaned she knew that he was going to give in.

"Where?" He asked as he started to climb in the back as she crawled backwards to give him room to maneuver.

Buffy pulled him down so that he was on his back between the first bench seat and the driver's seat. He was wedged with a shoulder under each and his legs were bent with his feet propped on the sliding passenger door.

"Bullocks, there is no bloody room."

It wasn't deterring Buffy as she bent over him, touching and stroking him to prepare him for the act.

"Damn it." He muttered in frustration as he tried to reach out and touch her but couldn't do it. His arms were almost immobilized from his position. 

"Sorry," Buffy whispered as she moved up his body and straddled him. "Just wanted you so bad. Couldn't wait." Her mouth meshed with his while her hands held his face. "Knew if we waited until we got home something would stop us." She slid down on him sheathing herself completely.  Her hands rested on his stomach as she moved over him. 

"Get down here," Spike ordered. "If someone sees you doing that, we're fucked."

"Trying to," Buffy answered as she lowered herself over him then took advantage of her new position to rain kisses on his face and neck. 

He used his feet as leverage to thrust up into her, meeting her as she came down, and when she gasped from the force, he smiled in satisfaction.

Her hands ran up and down his body as she kissed him over and over before finally sucking his tongue into her mouth. He wanted to flip her and take control but he had none and the only thing he could reach were her sides as his fingers tried to feel her. Laughing Buffy leaned over so the back of his hands could brush over her breasts. Her movements over him began to speed up and he followed suit pushing up more with each thrust.

"Unnngh," she moaned as he filled her completely, over and over. Her walls started to ripple and squeeze him as her orgasm hit her and there was a cracking sound that they both ignored. Spike strained upward to join her when his feet broke through the paneling on the side of the van and he collapsed back on the floor. Buffy froze and turned her head to see what had happened.

"Forget about it, finish it, I'm almost there," Spike pleaded. He was so close and he didn't want anything to keep him from achieving his own climax.

Buffy raised and lowered herself, squeezing him and grinding on him until he spilled himself inside of her. As their breathing slowed down they looked over at the door and started to laugh.

"How are we going to explain this?" Buffy giggled.

"It was your hormones." 

Spike fell against the floor again as Buffy lay against him still giggling. Although he couldn't reach her, he wouldn't change anything about this. Life was definitely good. 

TBC


	5. Birthday Wishes

**Chapter 4 – Birthday Wishes **

_September 22, 2007__ _3:42 PM____

The backyard was bustling with activities as the family set up for Raven's birthday party. Spike and Buffy had considered having the party catered but everyone offered to pitch in. So now they were all working and regretting their decision as they hustled to get everything ready for the teenagers and neighbors that were going to show in less than four hours. Giles and Connor were trying to get the dance floor set up while the women were arranging the tables.

Spike was perched on top of a ladder trying to attach lanterns to a pole while Xander directed him.

"Pull it a little further. It needs to be tighter."  Xander called up to him. "Otherwise someone is going to get their head caught on it."

"It won't pull anymore," Spike told him as he stretched it toward the pole. Suddenly it was pulled out of his hands when Raven snagged the wire with a table she was carrying over her head. "Bloody hell, I am sick of this." 

Raven watched as her father jumped from the ladder onto the wall and then into the cemetery beyond. Guilt tugged at her for upsetting him when it had started off as a bad day for him and now she had only made it worse. It was her birthday party and she was almost at the point she didn't even want it anymore because it was causing so much trouble for her family.

"It's not your fault and he's not mad at you," Buffy soothingly said as she also watched Spike take off.  "Run, go get your bag and catch up with him. He needs you."

Raven didn't stop to ask but ran into the kitchen grabbed her weapons bag and took off after her father. If Buffy said he needed her then most likely he did. Once she reached the cemetery she stopped momentarily to locate Spike then took off after him when she saw him coming out of a crypt carrying some stakes. 

"Wait up," Raven called.

Spike turned and started to walk back toward her. "Go home." 

"No, where are you going? Mum told me to follow you."

"Well, of course she did, can't leave me alone for even a second today." Spike sighed as he looked down at his daughter. "I just need a few by myself."

"Mum told me to bring the bag. You after vamps or something because if you are, I am the Slayer and should be with you. You know to protect you and all."

Raven was relieved when he laughed instead of giving her a lecture.  

Spike looked around them as if he was trying to make a decision then back down at her, "Come on, Princess." He started off again and asked over his shoulder. "Haven't dealt with a nest before, have you?"

"Nope."

"First time for everything then." 

He was moving swiftly and Raven had to practically trot to keep up with him but she didn't ask him to slow down. It would have been a sign of weakness because as he would tell her, no vampire or demon would give you a moment to get it together so suck it up and make it work. When Spike abruptly stopped, Raven took a deep breath and allowed her senses to take over then she pointed to a crypt to the right of them. As her hand went to her belly she knew from the sharp cramp that there had to be more just a couple. 

Spike smiled approvingly. "I'm going to go in first, see how many there are, then I give a signal and you come in and rescue me."

"What signal?"

"Figure it out."

Spike left her right outside the door and stealthily moved inside. There were some scuffling sounds and then someone came hurtling through the door and out into the sunlight. The creature screamed as it caught fire and quickly turned to dust.

"Guess that's the signal," she muttered as she moved in.

There were four more and they had Spike surrounded as he taunted them. When he saw her he pointed at her, "She's the one you want. Being the Slayer and all."

They growled and turned toward her and Raven felt a short moment of panic before moving in for the closet one. Spike grabbed one of the other ones and the fight was on. This was the first time that Raven had encountered so many vamps at one time in such an enclosed space. Her patrols were still strictly guarded while Spike usually took out these things. It was confusing with so much going on at one time and she found herself pinned against a wall with a vamp hand around her throat. She struggled and tried to breath then remembered Mrs. Armstrong telling her to use what she had and as she pulled her knee up, Spike had pulled the guy off of her.

"I was getting it," she defended herself as she punched the vamp. _And this _is why Mum always wore boots with three inch heels, _Raven thought because she couldn't quite get the wallop she needed in flat sandals. _Okay, wear said boots at all times. No more sandals_. Then she staked him._

"That felt really good," Spike said as he grinned at her and rolled his shoulders. "Didn't that just take the edge off the tension?"

"Oh, yeah," Raven agreed even as her hands were feeling her neck. "Am I bruised? Because if I'm bruised Mum is going to get both our hides."

They moved outside where Spike inspected his daughter's neck. "Nope, not a mark on ya." He moved to sit on a gravestone and started patting his pockets.

"No cigarettes, remember." Raven remarked as she sat on the grass in front of him. "And by the way you're still in vamp face."

Spike shook his human guise back into place as he stared down at his daughter. 

"I'm sorry about the lights." She said.

"That's okay. Wasn't mad at you. Just frustrated. Standing up on that ladder, pulling on lights for a birthday party for my daughter so my pregnant wife won't yell at me for the fifth time today and I was like, 'What the hell am I doing? I'm a bleeding vampire. An evil creature of the night and this is someone else's nightmare'."  
  


"Not exactly anymore and you and Mum shouldn't have let me go so far with this party. It's a bit much for even me."

"Now, you tell me. I was just trying to make her happy who was trying to make you happy."

"And you're the parents and should set limits."

Spike grinned as once again he got discipline lessons from his daughter. "I don't know, Raven. I think that we had better not tell Buffy about this because she won't take it so well that neither one of us is into this thing."

"Whipped."

"Am not."

"Yes, you are. 'Yes, Buffy', 'whatever you want, pet', 'do you need anything else?', sometimes it's a little nauseating."

"Can't help it. She's got me by the short hairs and is leading me around by them." A smile crossed his face as he thought of Buffy. "We need to get home."

Raven sighed as she saw her father's expression soften when he thought of his wife. If only Connor would look at her like that just once.

~~~~~~~

Buffy watched wistfully as Raven took off running after Spike. Her hand covered her lower belly to remind herself why she wasn't in the fight anymore. It was funny when you thought about it. All those years of complaining about being the Slayer and now it was driving her crazy not to be out there in the middle of things. 

She had sent Raven after him because she knew Spike was going to the nest of vamps that Clem had told them about. She also knew why, it was to let off some steam. He needed it. This day had started off bad with a phone call from his publisher and she had been dumping on him all day. 

Shaking her head she went over to help Xander with the lights. He had climbed up on the ladder and she handed him the wire when he indicated.

"What's Spike's deal?" He asked as he stretched the wire tight.

"Too much pressure. Too much going on, that's all."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine. Went off to take care of some vampires. He'll blow off some steam."

"Hope he doesn't blow the wrong way and take off on you again," Anya said as she came over to join them.

"He's not going to go anywhere. If I am remember correctly when you were pregnant with Jessy, you and Xander were fighting about the garage door opener not working and Xander decided to fix it by driving through the door. So, same thing. Spike will be fine."

"Maybe if you gave him sex, it would help."

"Anya," Xander warned.

"No, it would help both of them. I heard you talking with Spike about their lack of sex and Buffy was talking to Willow and I about the lack of activity. So, if you would have sex, he would blow off steam and you would work off the excess energy that you're not burning with patrolling."

Xander rolled his eyes as he finished fastening the wire and began to climb down.

"Anya, you may be right. Now, if I actually wanted to be touched it might help." Buffy said while laughing at her friend's suggestion.

"Well, I could recommend some things that might get you back to wanting to have orgasms again."

Buffy's eyes lit up, "Actually, that sounds good and it would definitely make Spike happy again."

"Okay. We'll talk tonight but now, if you don't mind I'm going to take Xander home and put the children down for a nap so that we can have some sex before tonight."

As her friends moved off, Buffy looked over the backyard that was finally ready for Raven's party. From the lanterns strung across the yard, to the dance floor and small stage and finally to the tables for the food.  _My God, what was I thinking? This party is going to be a three ring circus_, Buffy thought as the evening ahead threatened to overwhelm her.

"Breathe deep, Buffy," Willow said as she came over to join her friend. "It's all going to be fine."

"Do I have panic face? I shouldn't have panic face but a 'what have I done?' face."

"Actually you have both. Like I said it's going to be fine. We are all aware of everything and we are all going to help to maintain peace and order." Willow assured her.

"Thank you." Buffy breathed deeply in and then out. "It will be fine."

Willow laughed and hugged her quickly. "I heard you say that Spike was having a bad day. Is it baby stuff or marriage stuff or something else stuff?"

Buffy expression turned serious. "It's actually writer stuff. Barney, his publisher, called. Apparently they have been receiving some fan letters to him from this woman who claims to be his vampire lover and saying that he belongs in the night with her. At first it was all harmless stuff but the latest letter was pretty threatening and they turned it over to the police."

"Buffy, that doesn't sound good. Do they have any idea who it might be?"

"No, they don't. The only thing they know is that the letters are postmarked from Atlanta. Barney said that most of this time it's harmless but they sent it to the police as part of policy." She sighed heavily as she hoped that it was just a prank and nothing more serious.

"Who's that?" Willow asked.

Buffy followed her friend's gaze to the driveway where a young man was standing. She quickly took in his appearance. He wasn't very tall with a thin build; dark skinned and long, fine brown hair. As soon as he saw the two women he smiled and started toward them. Upon closer inspection, Buffy saw that he had large bright eyes with a small pug nose and over one shoulder he carried a duffel bag. 

"I don't know who he is but I think we are going to find out," Buffy commented as he strode toward them. 

On the front porch Connor and Giles stood and walked down the steps to see who the stranger was and to help if it was needed.  Just at that moment the back gate opened and Spike and Raven stepped into the backyard. The young man stopped and looked around at everyone that almost seemed to surround him.

"Oh, my God, Sean," Raven screamed after recognizing him and took of running toward him. He dropped his bag and started to run toward her as she screamed his name again. Then she was in his arms and he was hugging her tightly against him.

"Sean? Isn't that, well, isn't he the one that," Willow asked.

"Yep, he's her best friend and the one that she had sex with," Buffy replied as her eyes turned to Spike watching with murderous intent as his daughter greeted the boy. Then her eyes turned toward Connor who had the same expression and she laughed. "Well, I think we just found Spike's and Connor's common ground."

"Oh, boy, I take back the guarantee on peace tonight." Willow stated.

And at that Spike and Connor both headed toward the two teenagers and Buffy hurried over with Willow to join them. When he realized that he was being surrounded again, Sean was the one to break the embrace. Raven unaware of the apprehension of the other two males in her life smiled and turned toward Spike and Buffy first.

"Mum, Dad, this is Sean. Sean, these are my parents."

"It's good to meet you both." 

Spike only nodded but Buffy smiled and shook his hand.

"And this is Connor, Willow and Giles and Tara are over there on the porch." 

"Hello, everyone." Sean greeted them.

"What are you?" Connor asked. "You look human but not quite."

"Connor, that's rude." Raven reprimanded.

Sean laughed though, "Its okay. I'm Lankasha like Raven but my family has strong Brownie background."

"Sean, Sean," Elijah just awake from his nap came running through the back door. He launched himself at Sean and was promptly swung around in a big hug.

"Hey, little buddy, how are you?"

"Just woke up. Raven's party's tonight. You coming?"

"I hope so." Sean put Elijah back on his feet but kept his hand clasped in the little boy's. "Actually," he ducked his head and danced his foot back and forth. Then he looked back up at Raven. "I want to move in and help Raven out."

"Like bloody hell," Spike exclaimed. 

"You're going to move in? That is so totally cool," Raven said. "We are going to have so much fun."

"Wait a minute." Buffy interrupted. "What about your parents and how exactly did you get here?"

"I flew in then took a taxi here. My parents gave their consent." Sean knelt down and reached into the pocket of his bag and pulled out an envelope which he handed to Buffy. "This is a notarized letter from them giving you and Mr. Blood permission to enroll me in school and medical release forms along with my insurance card."

"I know it may not be my business but wouldn't it have been a good idea to discuss this with Raven's parents first?" Giles asked as he joined them.  
  


"I didn't think it would be a problem. Raven said there was always someone staying here and that the house was big enough." 

"I don't think it's whether there is room or not but the other, you know." Willow said.

"What, you know?" Sean asked.

"I told Mum about the hike and the curiosity and the you know," Raven explained as a delicate blush covered her cheeks and her eyes remained glued to the ground.

"Oh, that you know." Sean said then turned his attention from Raven to her parents. "I wouldn't worry about that happening again. I'm betrothed to another and will take her for my wife after I finish high school."

"You're engaged? Aren't you like fifteen?" Tara asked.

"I'm sixteen. In my village we are considered of age then. It is only in the attempt to live by human rules that we finish your high school and marry afterwards if we are lucky enough to find someone. My intended is Elise and I have known her since we were children like Raven and I."

"Is there is something wrong with Raven that you don't want to marry her?" Connor asked.

"No, of course not except Raven and I know that we are not compatible except as friends."

"Yeah, now that you tried the other." Spike muttered.

"Hey, I am right here and I don't like this personal stuff being talked about." Raven said. "So, can we move on to other things like guests that are going to be here in a few hours and there is still a ton of things to do. Dad, Mum can Sean just stay here tonight and tomorrow we can figure this out."

"Yeah, that's fine. But he's not sleeping here. He can spend the night with someone else," Buffy said trying to please both Spike and Raven.

"Me. Is that okay, Tara?" Willow turned to her wife and after receiving a nod looked back at Sean. "After the party you can come home with us and stay the night then tomorrow you all can sit down and talk this out."

"Thank you. I'll be honored to be your guest."

"See, Buffy, still working on the peace tonight issue," Willow whispered to her friend.

"Thanks, Will, now I am going to go lie down for about an hour. Spike, wanna join me?" Buffy said as she took Spike's hand and headed for the house. "Raven, watch Eli for us. Thanks."

Giles and the witches turned to head home for a little while before they would return for the party.  Raven started to ask questions about her former home and the people she had left behind as she led Sean toward the house. Connor looked at Elijah, shrugged his shoulders and after taking the boy's hand followed Raven into the house.

TBC

  


.


	6. Cake and Karaoke

**Chapter 5 – Cake and Karaoke **

_September 22, 2007__ _5:15 PM____

Her first thought was 'ugh' and she hates that she even thought it. Waking up surrounded by heat, with her back sticking to Spike's chest and his groin pressed into her bottom, Buffy pulled away almost hearing the sticky glue made of their sweat giving away in the separation of their flesh. The second thought was thanking God that they didn't have sex and she didn't have hot stickiness between her legs and then her stomach rolled. She sat up on the edge of the bed and quickly stuck her head between her knees commanding her stomach to stay still. She heard Spike rustle, woken from not having her there, she could feel his eyes on her, then the inevitable touch of his hand on her back and she flinched from the heat. Since the brief incident in the van she had returned to the now inevitable lack of sexual desire and the intense need not to be touched at all.

Guilt poked at her as he removes the offending hand and she peeks at him through the curtain of her hair. The hand covered his face and his Adam's apple moves as he swallows away his hurt and tears. She hates herself for this. The refusal of him. Because to him it was a rejection of all that he was and not just his flesh that currently makes her skin crawl. She longs for the return of the cool flesh beneath her and wonders if they were right after all. That she has a thing for only vampires and now this one more human than vampire was the reason for her body's rejection and not just her hormones. 

Her stomach refuses to cooperate and she runs for the bathroom, throwing her robe on as she goes. This time he didn't come to check on her like she expected. He wasn't there to hand her a washcloth and hold her hair back as she emptied her stomach. 

Spike walked into the bathroom behind her. He didn't ask, didn't sympathize for her, he simply grabbed his razor and turned to leave again.

"Gee, thanks, hon," Buffy threw out sarcastically. One hand rested on her porcelain altar as she held the other one over her mouth.

She heard him sigh as he hesitated under her words.

"What can I do?"

"Nothing, I'm sorry."

Buffy opened her eyes to find him kneeling next to her, "Is there something you need, Buffy?"

His hand came closer to her as if to touch her and she closed her eyes bracing herself and then he was gone.  

"Spike," Buffy called out to him but it was too late as the bedroom door closed behind him. "Damn it."

Buffy couldn't stand an argument right now. Actually she just wanted to curl up somewhere in something cold so she turned to the one thing she could: a cold shower.

By the time she got out from under the cold water her teeth were almost chattering. She hurried through the rest of the things she needed to do and moved across the hall into the bedroom. Spike was lying across the bed with his eyes closed and she watched him warily hoping that he wouldn't start anything as she pulled clothes out and got dressed. Finally she sat at her new vanity table to comb out her hair and hurriedly piled it on her head with a clip. She couldn't remember the last time she had worn it down or had taken the time to really fuss with it.

"Why don't you have it cut?" Spike said.

"Because you like it long."

"And it's impractical for you and you don't like it anymore."

"I'll think about it."

Buffy moved to grab some shoes from the closet and sat on the far edge of the bed. They both knew she was trying to keep from making contact.

"It's okay if you do. You're not the girl you used to be." Spike softly said as he propped himself up on one elbow.

"Thanks, anything else you want to throw out."

"Didn't mean it be rude. I just meant you're all woman now. More than you ever were before. In a good way, taking care of everything, more assured and you're moving forward, knowing what you want, and having a baby."

His words only made her guilt more than it already was and she wished that she wanted to throw herself on him and ravish him. Buffy buried her face in her hands unable to look at him.

"I'm sorry, Spike, I love you so much. The doctor said…"

"Don't okay," Spike said. "Don't tell me what the doctor said, I was there. Don't tell me you're sorry, don't tell me it will all pass, don't tell me you're trying and that Anya has ideas. I don't want to hear you trying to placate me."

He lay back down on the bed with his arm flung over his face. And she wondered how they could go from a compliment to a tirade in such a short amount of time. They were both feeling the lack of communication that they normally had in each other's arms. And now once again they had withdrawn to neutral corners both hiding their faces from the other. 

There was the slightest touch on her arm and then it was withdrawn.

"Buffy, look at me."

She pulled herself out of her hands so that she could meet his eyes and they were filled with love and pain.

"Buf, I know you love me. I know that as much as I know I love you. And as long as I know that I'll deal and I also know that you're worrying its other stuff. Don't. Get through this phase and if it doesn't return we'll deal with other possibilities then. I can't really bear to think of it right now and you don't need to be. So, we blame normal pregnancy hormones and as long as my hand doesn't break up with me, I'm not going anywhere."

Buffy laughed and took his hand, held it up and began to speak to it. "Be nice to him until I can. He's a good man who deserves better than I can give him right now. And tell him when you satisfy him that I love him more than anything." She put it back on his stomach and patted it.

A quick glance at the clock and she realized that she had only an hour and a half to get everything done and she wasn't going to ask Spike for help. Not now.

"I need to go and finish stuff up. I slept too long."

She was halfway to the door when he spoke to her again.

"Give me ten minutes to take a shower and I'll be down to help."

"Thanks."

As Buffy hurried down the stairs her mind shifted from Spike to the list of things still left to do before the party. When she heard voices in the kitchen she moved even faster and then came to a full stop at the doorway. 

Mrs. Armstrong, their neighbor and one of her students was sitting at the table fixing a vegetable tray, Raven was standing at the counter mixing a dip, Connor was washing dishes, and Sean was covering a completed meat and cheese tray while Elijah was busy being a taste tester. 

"Hi, what's going on?" Buffy asked.

"Hello, did you sleep well?" Mrs. Armstrong asked and then after receiving a nod she continued, "I came over to see if I could help and Sean put me to work. Your list is almost completely done."

"As soon as I'm done here, Connor and I are going to go pick up the wing trays," Raven said.

"Sean is a lovely boy. A beehive of activity and just got everybody moving to help. But that is a Brownie for you. Never met one before today but have heard a lot about them." Mrs. Armstrong said.

"A Brownie?" 

"Of course, dear, did you really think that I have lived in Sunnydale for sixty-four years and not know about these things? Like that your lovely husband is a vampire. Someday you really must tell me everything and like how he can go into sunlight now. Fascinating."

"I need to sit down." Buffy said as she moved to the table in shock. She looked over at the older woman sitting across from her. "You know about these things? And they don't bother you?"

"Well, of course not. I also know you're the Slayer. Well, I just learned the term today but I've known there was something different about you. My granddaughter went to school with you. Told me all about you. That's what got me to take your class; knew the class protector would know how to teach others to protect themselves." 

A cup of tea was placed before Buffy along with a sandwich and when she looked up she found Sean smiling down at her.

"Thank you, Sean."

"You're welcome. Is there anything else that needs to be done other than what was on the list?"

"No, that was it."

"Everything is done then. It will just need to be put out when the time is ready."

"Thank you very much. Everyone, I appreciate it." Buffy smiled at everyone as she leaned back in her chair feeling some of the tension leave her body.

"You appreciate what?" Spike asked as he walked over to the table then as if he remembered 'no touching' turned the other way to head toward the refrigerator. 

"Everything is done, Dad. Sean took over the list, delegated it out and we are ready for tonight." 

Spike turned toward the boy in surprise, "It seems a thank you is in order. So, thank you."

"You're welcome, sir. Raven is very important to me so that makes her family important, too."

"And something else, Spike," Buffy said. "It seems Mrs. Armstrong knows all about you being a vampire and me, being a Slayer."

"Take a nap around here and everything changes."

"That's life." Mrs. Armstrong said.

Sean took his tray out to put in the rented refrigerator on the back porch followed by Raven with the bowls of dip that she had made. Spike looked into the refrigerator, shrugged his shoulders and poured his blood out. If the neighbor knew then there was no need for secrecy.

"Hello, anyone home?" Cordelia's voice drifted from the front hall. "We're here."

"Back here, Cordy," Buffy called out.

"Great," Spike muttered as he put his blood in the microwave. As far as he was concerned it would be good to see everyone but Angel.

"And look who we brought along. Showed up in LA yesterday." Cordy said as she walked into the kitchen followed by Angel, Fred, Lorne and finally Max. 

"Uncle Max, you came," Raven said as she launched herself at him.

"Well, it's nice to know we where stand," Angel commented.

Raven laughed as she finished hugging Max then turned to Angel. She knew her father had tension with this vampire but he was Connor's father so it was, "Uncle Angel, it's good to see you."

The others laughed at the expression on Angel's face as he found his arms full of teenage enthusiasm and being called Uncle Angel. 

As Raven finished greeting everyone else, dispensing hugs and being followed by Elijah looking for attention. The guests were greeted and then introduced to Sean and Mrs. Armstrong, who insisted that everyone call her Delores since they weren't just neighbors anymore.

Buffy looked around at everyone that was crowded into her kitchen and when Cordy came to give her a hug, she stood and started backing up. 

"Cordy, it's not you," Spike explained. "Buffy is going through a 'don't touch me phase', the only one getting any affection is Elijah. So, don't take it personally."

"Everything's okay though?" Fred asked.

"Yeah, everything is fine," Buffy said. "I'm just feeling prickly all the time."

Buffy leaned back against the wall as thankfully everyone's attention turned elsewhere and she watched her friends and family greet one another. Finally she began to relax and she looked up to find Spike watching her. He came over to her and whispered in her ear. "Why don't you and I go get the rest of the stuff and let you get some air?"

She nodded gratefully and in a moment she was blessedly outside and able to breathe again. 

"Love those people but my God, not all at one time and not all in one room," Buffy said as Spike helped her into the van. "Thank you, Spike."

"Don't give me too much credit. I was hoping riding in the van might trigger some more horniness."

She laughed as they pulled out of the driveway. 

~~~~~~~

_September 22, 2007__ _8:41 PM____

The party was in full swing. There were people everywhere, teenagers screaming and running around, the food was being eaten in large quantities and Raven was having the time of her life. And that to Buffy was the most important thing. She took another sip of her drink and ran her eyes around the festivities again. She spotted Angel alone by the porch and made her way toward him. After sitting on the steps she patted the spot next to her and he sat down.

"How are you doing?" Buffy asked.

"Don't do the party stuff much."

"I remember." Buffy smiled as she looked around again. 

"Could have stayed in LA with Gunn and Wesley working on that case but wanted to do the family thing for Raven. I didn't want her to feel unloved on her first birthday with us besides this gave me an opportunity to check on Connor without checking on Connor."

"Parenting is best done when they don't even know it." Buffy laughed. "I can't believe I did this much for her fifteenth birthday."

"I do." 

"And what would that be Mr. I Know Buffy more than Buffy does?"

"It's because when you were in high school all of your birthdays were bad. One of them thanks to me."

"Angelus, not you."

Angel nodded unwilling to argue the point with her. It was the past and couldn't be changed now.

"You are going to do everything that you can to see that Raven gets as much normal as she can in her life."

"Yep, that I am." Buffy nodded.

"So, what's up with Spike? He hasn't been rude to me all night."

Buffy searched through the crowd to find her husband. He was standing with Max and Xander watching the kids gyrating on the dance floor.

"He's fine. I think there is just too much going on to be willing to take you on too."

"I'm still trying to deal with what he did." Angel said. When he had first found out it had taken him a few days to work up the courage to speak with Buffy or with Spike. The burden that he carried that he had given up Buffy and humanity to fight for the cause and Spike was given the choice that he was, it didn't seem fair to him. Spike had what he had once wanted, humanity, the ability to still fight the fight and Buffy. It hurt like hell and Angel had needed time to deal with it.

"He's an amazing man."

"Sounds like a woman in love."

They exchanged a smile as they once again acknowledged that everything they had gone through was only a stepping stone to where they actually belonged.

"Mum, come on, it's time for us to sing," Raven said as she reached for Buffy's hand. When her mother resisted she pulled on her. "You promised and you can't break a promise to the birthday girl."

"She's right." Angel agreed before leaning over and softly kissing Buffy on the cheek. "Go on, Mum, make your daughter happy."

"Yeah, you just want to see me make an ass out of myself,"

He watched Buffy and Raven walk off together then looked around to find Spike glaring at her before turning it toward him. Angel sighed and swore that he would talk to Spike somehow before he went home. 

Lorne had agreed to be the DJ for the party with some time set aside for Karaoke. So, that no one would suspect that he was actually a demon they told everyone that it was a disguise and his name was 'The Green Machine" and the kids loved him. Suddenly the music stopped and Lorne called out for attention. "Okay, kiddies, it's time for Karaoke and first up is the birthday girl, Raven, and her Supremes doing 'Stop, In the Name of Love'.

Raven followed by Buffy, Willow and Tara went up on the small stage and were soon stumbling their way through the song. They put their hearts into it though and appeared to be having a good time. Everyone applauded when they were done with Spike doing the latest clapping and whistling for his girls.

"No time like the present," Angel decided and headed toward Spike. 

On the way toward the blonde vampire he saw Lorne waving him over so Angel changed direction and headed toward his friend.  

"What's going on?"

Lorne turned his back on the microphone and stepped toward Angel. "Has Spike or Buffy said anything to you about something bad going down? Or something wrong with the baby?"

"No, why?"

"Then, Cupcake, we've got a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"It's Buffy. Her aura was screaming at me. That little girl is in danger and if something doesn't change she's not going to live long enough to be a mother to this baby."

TBC


	7. Confrontations and Relief

**Chapter 6 – Confrontations and Relief**

_September 22, 2007__ _9:35 PM____

The birthday girl and the three women filed off the stage feeling relief that their embarrassing moment in the limelight was over.  Raven ran toward her father and Buffy watched as he swung her around in a bear hug telling her how wonderful she was. She quickly kissed him on the cheek before running back to her friends while her mother approached Spike cautiously.  

Buffy was hoping that when she had seen Angel walking toward Spike that they were going to talk but she could see he was talking to Lorne instead. With a sigh she came to stand in front of her husband.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." Spike said with sarcasm dripping heavily from his words.

Buffy looked around for a moment to gear herself up for what was to come before looking back up at him. "What was the look for then? The glaring look at me when I walked by a little while ago."

"You kissing someone else."

"God, Spike, are you ever going to get over this thing with Angel?" 

She was tired of it, tired of defending herself and defending Angel and their past and tired of defending Connor.

"It wasn't the fact that it was Angel. It was the fact that you kissed someone else, anyone else, when I'm made to feel like I'm repulsive."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what? Jumping to conclusions? You should be." 

"You're not repulsive."

"To you I am and you are the only one that counts."

Buffy saw the hurt in his eyes and hear them in his words. Taking his belt in her fingers she pulled him closer, "Don't touch me," she whispered as she rose on her toes and pressed her mouth to his. With only their lips touching she was able to give him some of the affection he was craving and still not overwhelm herself. He took her offering for what it was and kissed her back. And when they realized that this could only go so far without bringing him more frustration they broke it off. Spike left several lingering brief kisses behind him, reluctant to end this gift from her.

"I'm going to run an errand." Spike said.

"Now? We're going to cut the cake in just a minute." Buffy protested.

"I'll be back in time but right now you have something else to deal with." 

He was pointing behind her and Buffy turned to find Dawn and Josh standing awkwardly by the corner of the house. And as Spike slipped off, Buffy made her way toward her sister with Raven coming to join her. 

"Hi," Buffy said giving a quick look at Josh then turned her full attention to her sister.

"Hey," Dawn said with nervousness underlying her words. "Spike said I was invited and you left a message, so here we are."

"I'm glad that you came."

"I brought a present for Raven," Dawn said as she handed a gift bag to her. Then she reached forward to hug Raven grasping her close for some sign that she was still welcome here.

"Thank you. I'm going to go put this with the other ones. We'll talk later." Raven said and then after receiving a nod ran off with her present.

"I'm going to go and get a drink. Catch up with you in a few." Josh said. He gave his wife a quick kiss on the cheek before walking off to give the sisters a chance to talk.

"I'm glad that you came. I've missed you." Buffy said.

"I've missed you, too." 

Buffy pulled her sister to her in a welcoming hug knowing that Dawn needed to be hugged more than she needed not to be touched. It filled Buffy with hope that things between Dawn and the family were going to be settled. As it was she could feel the looks that were being sent their way as everyone else wondered what was going on. 

"Come on let's go find your husband."

"And lead me through everyone so they know that you've welcomed me back into the fold," Dawn said with a slight touch of sarcasm.

"Isn't that what you wanted?" Buffy arched her eyebrows delicately as she looked at her younger sister. The last time that they had seen each other Buffy had thought that they had settled things and that embarrassment that had kept her away.

"Spike said you were pregnant. Congratulations." She hesitated for a moment then, "I'm sorry, it's just a bit uncomfortable being here."

"It's okay." Buffy said with relief. It was embarrassment after all. "Let's go in the house first. I have got to show you the sonogram picture of the baby. You know Spike cried when he heard the heartbeat?"

Buffy changed the subject to something that Dawn seemed interested in and gave them a respite by taking her into the house until at least they were comfortable with each other again. Later Dawn could face the family again.

~~~~~~~

_September 22, 2007__ _10:15 PM____

The cake had been cut and Dawn was making the rounds talking to everyone, letting go of the past month and a half of estrangement. After talking to Buffy, she was reassured that she was really missed and was eager to get back into the flow of things. Everyone had welcomed her back at Buffy's blessing and now were catching up on the time apart.

Spike had kept his promise and had returned in time to sing Happy Birthday to Raven along with everyone else. They were now sitting together on the porch eating birthday cake and discussing when to tackle the mountain of presents.

Observing what everyone was up to, Buffy slowly walked through the guests, making small talk as she went. Every once in a while she could feel Angel's eyes on her but she ignored it. If he needed to talk to her then he would. As she spoke with Mrs. Davis, one of the Chickies, she overheard a conversation behind her between Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara and they were discussing her baby.

"If the baby was conceived before he changed, is the baby going to be half vampire?" Anya asked.

"No, of course not, the baby is human. Vampire aren't born they are turned." Tara replied.

"Yeah, but it could still have like super powers or something." Willow says.

"What would you call it if it did? A slampire or a vlayer? "Xander jokes.

Although Buffy had wondered if the child would be completely human or possess some of her and Spike's abilities the cavalier way her friends discussed her baby and referring to him or her as an it, just made her angry. Buffy quickly excused herself from Mrs. Davis to head to the house for a moment alone, fighting the urge to yell at them. She told herself that she could talk to them later and not ruin Raven's evening.  As she climbed the steps Raven called out to her.

"Mum, we need some more ice." 

For an instant she wanted to tell her to get off her butt and get it herself but Buffy pushed it aside as she watched her daughter and Spike on the swing eating cake and laughing together. 

"Okay, give me just a second," she said, not really wanting to break up the father / daughter moment.

Buffy headed for the freezer and grabbed another bag.

"Damn it," The cubes had frozen into a solid mass and she put it in the sink to break it up. It was just one more thing that was irritating her as she grabbed a knife and started to break it apart. Buffy started to think about the comments made about her baby and without realizing it her breaking up of the ice became a frenzied stabbing.

"My baby is perfectly normal. How dare they? They were making my baby sound like some kind of freak. I'm not a freak. Spike isn't a freak. And, God damn it, my baby is not a freak." Buffy repeated the litany as the ice flew apart under the force of the knife.

"Buffy, are you all right?" Connor asked as he came toward her cautiously. His hand covered her wrist to still her movements. "I think the ice is ready. And the sink doesn't need to be stabbed."

His presence broke her out of her fog and embarrassment flooded through when she saw what she had done.

"Shit. I think I killed it."

Connor laughed softly and started to fill a bowl with the ice.

"They were joking, you know that, right?" he said.

"I know they were but it still hurt."

"They think I'm a freak," Connor turned to concentrate on the ice away from Buffy's intense stare.

 "You're not a freak just a very special gift. Thank you for reminding me of that."

"You're welcome." 

The relief on his face and his attempt at consolation showed Buffy how alone Connor still felt in the world. Not only that but he had still been unable to accept the love of his father and family. 

"I think you're going to play a very important part in this baby's life helping him adjust."

He smiled and with the bowl of ice left her alone to pull herself together.

~~~~~~~

_September 22, 2007__ _10:52 PM____

"Dawn, I love the outfit, thank you, thank you," Raven said as she hugged her aunt. "I'm so glad that you came and not just for the prezzie but because I've missed you. There has been so much going on and I could always talk to you."

Dawn laughed at Raven's enthusiasm but it made her feel good to know that she had been missed. Even though Buffy had done everything to reassure her that she really was needed and a vital part of the team, it was hard to read everyone. The Scoobies had welcomed her but a part of her still felt that it was because they had to because she was Buffy's little sister. Raven's openness was genuine and it definitely helped put her more at ease.

At least until Spike looked at her again. She still couldn't believe she had told him how she was really feeling. Those feelings that she had been holding onto for what seemed forever and was supposed to have been a secret and would continue to be so if he only would keep his mouth shut about them. Dawn was more afraid that Buffy would find out or the others and they would pat her on her head and tell that she needed to grow up.  She was a grown up and now having a grown up love she knew what those feelings meant and she knew that they had been more than just a puppy love crush but no one else would ever see it that way.

She shook her head and pulled her mind from her 'forbidden zone' and tried to concentrate on what Raven was rattling on about. High School. Slaying. 

Dawn laughed at the appropriate moment and then grew sober when Raven asked about the Human club at school.

"Yeah, they are still around unfortunately. They're planning a protest in a couple of weeks. Makes me mad that they are still around." Dawn was actually more embarrassed that the scene of her major family betrayal was memorialized apparently for good.

"Protest? What kind of protest?"

"They are going to be protesting what they consider a breach of their humanhood by allowing some demons onto campus. And the funny thing is that the new students look human so I don't know how they even know for sure if they are really demons."

Raven suddenly snapped her fingers, "Let's do a counter protest. An equality for everyone kind of deal."

"You're joking right?"

"No, I'm serious. Come on. If we let this go then the Soldiers are just going to take foothold again and everyone that they even suspect are demons are going to be run off. Like me or Sean or Connor. Get into this with me and the family will back us. I can't do it alone.'

"Yeah, I'll do it." Dawn agreed. Not only was Raven's enthusiasm catching but maybe if Dawn started fighting for the rights of demons she could redeem herself in the family's eyes and show everyone, including Spike, that she wasn't just a kid.

"Oh, cool, this is going to be so great. Let's go find the guys." Raven grabbed Dawn's hand and led her off to find them.

~~~~~~~~

_September 22, 2007__ _11:14 PM____

The party was breaking up and Angel realized that he needed to do something now. He searched the backyard for Cordelia and when he spotted her he set a path toward her. 

"Angel, darling, meet Mrs. Armstrong," Cordelia said with that smile of hers that showed her surprise and tolerance while her eyebrows were high. "Mrs. Armstrong, this is my husband, Angel."

"Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Armstrong," Angel grimaced. This was why he avoided parties. Unless they were in trouble and in the very select few, he still preferred to avoid the company of humans especially ones that were going to be for a short span and was only for a polite show. "I don't mean to be rude but I need to speak with my wife. It's important."

Delores smiled her acquiesce and moved off as Angel grabbed Cordy's arm and started to pull her off. 

"Thank you, Angel, I love people. Really do but I was beginning to feel grilled. Hey, ease off on the arm there."

Cordelia pulled back from Angel as he finally stopped. She began to rub it as her husband looked around to make sure they were alone.

"I need you to get sick." He said as if she would understand what he meant.

"Excuse me. I feel just fine."

"Look Lorne, read Buffy while she was singing. She's in danger."

"And I'm supposed to get unattractively ill, why?"

"Cordelia, honey, tonight is their daughter's birthday party. The first one they have had a chance to celebrate as a family and I don't want to talk to them about impending doom tonight."

"So, you want me to appear ill, so we can stay here and protect your ex-girlfriend."

"Well, yeah."

Cordelia sighed and looked around. "Fine, point me to the bathroom."

~~~~~~~~

_September 23, 2007__ _12:30 AM____

The house was finally blessedly quiet. Buffy was seriously beginning to think about buying the lot next door and building a hotel on it. As much as their house was constantly filled it would be a worthy investment. She padded across the hall and stepped into her bedroom. Her mouth dropped open as she looked around and knew this was why Spike had disappeared during the party.

There were two pedestal fans, one for each side of the bed, which would blessedly blow cool air over her body while she slept. Buffy wandered over to the nightstand and picked up one of the boxes stacked there. There were ten Cool Packs there for her to put on her body if she was still too hot. Tears filled her eyes at her husband's thoughtfulness. 

"Now, where is he?" She muttered to herself as she looked around for a note or something but there wasn't any. "Okay, fine. I'll go find him."

Buffy went first to Elijah's room, quietly opened the door but only Fred was there curled up in her son's bed. In Raven's room there was only her and Elijah curled in the middle of the bed.

"Everything okay, Mum?"

"Yeah, just checking on everything before going to bed."

"Night."

"See you in the morning." 

She closed the door, quickly checked the store room then headed downstairs. Nope, he wasn't in the dining room.   
  
"Hi guys, have you seen Spike?" 

Max and Sean turned away from the movie they were watching. For a brief moment she saw panic on Max's face as he remembered the last time she had asked.

"It's okay. He's around him somewhere." Buffy reassured him.

"Nope, he hasn't been through here. If we can help let us know," Max said.  
  


"Thanks again for letting me stay." Sean said.

"You're welcome, Sean. I appreciate all the help you've been giving." 

The teenager had been allowed to spend the night so that Lorne could go home with the witches and have an actual bed to sleep in instead of the floor where Sean would be sleeping.

Buffy moved down the hallway toward the study where Angel and Cordelia had been put to spend the night. She was about ready to knock on the door when she heard the springs of the pull out couch squeaking and Cordelia giggling. Quickly she turned and headed toward the kitchen.

"Am so not going to even ask," Buffy said as she checked out the back porch. She knew he wouldn't leave the house without letting her know. Not since they had found out about the baby had he been very far away. 

The only place she hadn't looked was the attic. The two staircases were taken as fast as she could as she hoped that he was there. And as she opened the door she was relieved to find him. Spike had made a bed in the middle of the room apparently thinking she would be more comfortable without him in their bed. She studied him for a moment, the moonlight making his skin paler than it actually was anymore. A sheet was pulled up to his waist and she could tell by the way it laid against him that he was nude under it.

Slowly she walked over to him and as she came closer she realized he was awake and watching her. Buffy thought about calling him on the fact that he had left her alone but she didn't want a confrontation. She wanted the company of her mate.

She sat on the edge of the sheet with her legs curled under her and her hand resting on his stomach.

"Do you have any idea of how amazing you are?" 

Spike's eyes opened a little wider in surprise but didn't say anything. He wanted her to say more. To reassure him that she still loved him as much as ever. Inside he knew it. He just wanted to hear it.

"A few months ago we would be fighting over this and even though you sometimes get grouchy about it, you keep fighting forward instead of pulling back. It makes me love you even more."

She felt him relax under her hand. The words were becoming important now in absence of the physical. Buffy bowed her head as she thought for a moment. Then she let her hand pull the sheet back exposing him to her.

"I want you back downstairs with me. I refuse to sleep without you." Her hand began to stroke him, enjoying the feel of him hardening in her palm. "I need you beside me. My safety and my security." She shifted to kneel between his legs as he drew one back to give her more room. The look of surprise and anticipation on his face only filled her with more love. "I love it when I look at you and I see all that love and patience and raw need for me. Only me."

Then she bent over him, taking him into her mouth, and she smiled around him as he moaned in need while his hands clutched at the sheets. 

Buffy gave him everything, all of her love, licking and sucking his length. She loved the taste of him, the power she had over him as he submitted to her, the feel of his sac in her hand, and the small entrance way giving way to her finger as she stroked him to fulfillment. 

When she had swallowed all he had to give her, Buffy moved over him, kissed him softly and whispered, "This I can give you. Can we go to bed now?"

TBC


	8. Here We Go Again

**Chapter 7 – Here We Go Again**

_September 23, 2007__ _10:15 AM____

The room was quiet except for the sound of cups rattling as everyone got settled. Lorne had taken over Spike's chair, Angel and Cordelia were sitting on the couch, Buffy was sitting cross-legged on the corner of the desk and Spike was leaning back in his desk chair with his feet propped up next to Buffy. 

Spike was trying to take the call for a meeting as coolly as he could. Sunnydale was his town now and he didn't appreciate Angel pulling everyone into his study because of something dire. If something was wrong wouldn't he know it? Wouldn't he have been the one to be told and not them?

Not Buffy though, she looked on the precipice of panicking just because Angel said something. It was natural. Angel was the ultimate doom and gloom guy for the PTB and Buffy would always take him seriously. Even though she knew it, she would never admit that he was just a flighty ponce who couldn't have a good time if it bit him in the ass. And as far as Spike was concerned even when he was getting bit on the ass he couldn't have a good time. 

Buffy's hand came to rest on his ankle absently caressing it as if it was a good luck charm. Spike put his mug down and decided to take things out of Angel's dramatic hands.

"So, what's up? New demon, new apocalypse, LA going up in flames or what thing do we have to deal with now?"

"Don't be so flip," Angel responded.

Buffy squeezed gently on his leg, silently asking him not to get angry and with a sigh Spike leaned back in his chair.

"Didn't mean to be flip, Peaches, but come on, just spill it. There isn't much we haven't handled before and we'll handle whatever this is."

"Is there something going on with you two that you haven't told us?" Lorne asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Something going on between you two or with the baby that you haven't shared with anyone else?"

"Everything is as normal as normal gets around here." Buffy said.

Lorne leaned forward, "Cheesecake, last night when you were singing, I got a good read on you. And there was some bad mojo going on."

Spike could see that Buffy was immediately tense at the demon's words and quickly moved to sit behind her. He stayed far enough away as not to be leaning on her but close enough to lay a hand on her waist to let her know that he was there for her. They both knew to take Lorne's readings seriously.

"So, what am I getting into now?" Buffy asked, and gripped Spike's hand.

"Buffy, Lorne saw something inside of you, something black, that was slowly consuming you." Angel said. 

"Like eating me from the inside out?"

"No, darling, it wasn't a like a creature inside of you that I saw. It was just this blackness that was slowly taking you over." Lorne said.

"And my baby?" 

"The baby was fine. It was like it was protected or loved by whatever the blackness was." 

"And this blackness? Do you know what it was? Was it evil?" Spike asked.

"Blackness usually is evil." Angel replied.

Buffy moved away from Spike to stand to look out the window to look at her children playing in the backyard. Sean, Fred and Max were there joining in the fun. _Spike and I should be out there. Time is so short. Why are we in here discussing this? , she thought to herself as she held her hand protectively over her baby._

"Buffy?" Spike stood so that he could be next to her.

She rubbed her temple then dropped her hand before turning back to him. "If the baby is fine then we have until spring to figure something out to stop whatever this is. I'm going to go outside while you all hash this out." 

With that Buffy left without looking back.

"Well, she took that a lot better than I thought she would." Cordelia commented.

"Spike, we have no idea what this is." Angel said. "But I personally would rather figure this out now."

"Oh and gee, I want to wait until it's too late to save her." Spike retorted.

"We're only trying to help." Lorne said.

Spike moved back to his chair, slumping down as he threw his feet on the desk again. "I'm sorry. I know. Is there anything in this vision of yours that might give us a clue as to where to start?"

"No, and that's the bad thing. It was weird because it was like she was filled with all this light and then slowly this blackness crept through all of her except for the womb holding the babe. And then she disappeared leaving only this ball of light behind."

"The baby?" Spike asked.

"It looks that way. Maybe something wants the child."

"Could be," Angel agreed.

"Go ahead and go home as planned." Spike turned his attention to Angel, "Start researching things on your end and see if you can find anything out. I'll call everybody here and have 'em come over this afternoon and get them looking into it."

"We'll stay long enough so that Lorne can be here for them to talk to." Angel said.

"How about I take Buffy shopping this afternoon while you guys do this? She doesn't seem to want to deal with this right now and frankly, she doesn't need the stress." Cordelia said.

"Sounds good," Spike said as he reached for the phone.

~~~~~~~~

_September 23, 2007__ _4:54 PM____

Gathered around the kitchen table were the current adult male occupants of the Blood house, Spike, Angel, Lorne and Max all holding a mug of their choice of beverage in their hands.  All were wearing a bleak expression as they discussed the lack of advancement in Buffy's fate.

The meeting that afternoon hadn't shed any more light on the current problem. Giles had suggested it might be an illness that Buffy would contract and with the baby her Slayer powers couldn't heal her fast enough or that there might even be complications in childbirth. So, they were stalled until something else showed itself although they would continue researching.

The front door slammed and they heard the voices of the women along with Sean and Elijah returning from the shopping trip. 

"Hey guys," Cordelia said as she walked into the kitchen followed by Fred. "What's up?" She moved over to quickly kiss Angel before heading for the coffee pot.

"Where's Buffy?" Spike asked.

"She headed upstairs saying she wanted to get changed. She'll be down in just a minute."

Spike nodded, "Was everything okay this afternoon?"

"Let me tell you we put quite a dent in your credit card, Spike. I'll deduct my stuff from the bill," Cordelia said.

The two women having gotten something to drink went to join the men at the table.

"Cordelia, its family. We don't charge family." Angel said. 

"If you can find a way to keep Buffy safe I'll give you everything I have," Spike said quietly. Demons, vampires and hell gods were all things he had confidence in fighting but this blackness left him in fear. How did you fight something when you didn't even know what it was or if it even had form? If it was an illness or complications then he was totally helpless when it came to Buffy. 

"We are going to find out what's going on." Angel said. "Nothing is going to happen to her."

Everyone fell silent as Buffy walked into the room. Her new shoulder length hair couldn't distract them from her strained and tired appearance. She hesitated for a moment in the doorway as if she knew they had been talking about her. 

"Hi everyone," she said as she watched as her husband stood and approached her. "Hello Spike."

His hand went to slowly run down hair, twirling the end around one finger.  "I like it. It looks like it did when I first saw you."

"Thank you." she whispered. Then with a mischievous smile she added, "I brought the pony tail home for you. We measured it and it was over a foot long."

"Damn, I guess it goes in the family album for prosperity." 

Spike deflected her fingers as they reached to tickle him by wrapping his own hands around them then twisting her until her back was against him and his arms were around her. Thankfully she didn't push away from him but relaxed a moment before gracefully stepping away. 

"We looked at things for the baby. There is so much out there and so many themes to choose from to decorate the nursery in."

"Definitely need to start choosing the nursery theme," Cordelia said.

"Giles and the others are going to start looking…." Spike started.

"I'm thinking something bright for the nursery, like maybe yellow with ducks all over the place." Buffy said interrupting him.

"Buffy, did you hear me?"

"Or maybe lambs but I thought you'd like the ducks better," Buffy said as she opened the refrigerator. "What are we going to do for dinner? Maybe order something in since there are so many people."

Spike and Angel exchanged looks as they realized that Buffy was deliberately avoiding what was going on. 

"Buffy," Cordelia said, "whatever you want to do for dinner is fine. We can order something if you want, maybe pizza."

 "I really need to eat something better than that," Buffy said. "If you order that than I'll make a salad or something. The baby needs nutrition." 

"Definitely need to keep the both of you healthy, Cupcake." Lorne offered.

 "Maybe we can do more than pizza," Angel said. "Why don't we just go out?"

"Sounds good," Spike said before turning his attention back to his wife. "Buffy, can we talk for a minute?"

Everyone jumped as the refrigerator door was slammed shut and Buffy advanced on Spike with anger marring her face.

"No, we can't talk if you want to talk about this afternoon. Don't bother me with it until you have an answer. If you haven't noticed I'm a little busy right now. I have two children here that need to be taken care of and one on the way. They are the focus of my concerns right now."

"I wasn't saying they shouldn't be, Pet, but we do need to discuss some things," Spike told her as he reached a hand out to stroke her face when she batted it away.

"Don't touch me," Buffy screamed. "God, haven't you figured it out yet that I hate having you touch me?"

Then she turned and ran from the room. They followed the sound of her feet running up the stairs until the bedroom door finally slammed shut.

"Spike, I'm sure she didn't mean it like that," Fred said.

"Yeah, she did," he replied before retreated into his study, turning his stereo on to mask his weeping.

~~~~~~~

_September 23, 2007__ _5:25 PM____

"Is Mum and Dad okay?" Raven asked as she tentatively stepped into the kitchen. It had been a while since her parents had really fought and when they had been fighting it had meant trouble. A lot of trouble.

"Just a misunderstanding," Max answered. "Batten down the hatches and hide the dishes until they've calmed down."

Raven smiled at Max's attempt at reassuring her. "Third set since we've been here," she quipped back. "Mum's been kind of jumpy lately and Dad keeps saying its hormones."  
  


"It is," Angel said. "Plus I think a lot of it is just there's been a lot of change lately and she's feeling…"

"Overwhelmed? She's been that way since we moved in. Is Mum ever calm and happy?"

"No, not really," Cordelia said. "But with you being the Slayer now, I'm sure you'll be the same unhappy, stressed out way soon."

"Thanks, I appreciate that but I plan on breaking the mold. Smile today because tomorrow will inevitably suck is my motto. Well, going back to my movie, now that I know everything is normal. And I vote for the going out if anyone cares. No dishes that way." Raven smiled before she sashayed out the door.

"Well, even for their mercurial personalities they have done a good job with the kids because Raven is definitely well-adjusted and comfortable here." Max said.

"Nice way of saying she's a little smart ass," Cordelia countered.

"Yeah, she is but she's a well-adjusted smart ass."

"Spike's influence no doubt." Angel said as he almost cracked a smile and the others laughed.

"Not to change the conversation and it's probably really none of my business but," Fred started.

"But what?" Max asked.

"If Buffy doesn't want Spike touching her, well…" Fred said unsure of how to proceed.

"Why did she buy that fancy, expensive negligee? I had the same question myself." Cordelia finished.

Suddenly all eyes at the table turned to Max.

"Why are you looking at me? How would I know?"

"You are here an awfully lot and Spike said that you two spent an afternoon at a motel together," Angel said quietly.

"An emphatic 'no' to that. Besides, there is no way she would with anyone. She is crazy for that guy."

"It doesn't add up, does it? The 'hate you touching me' and the buying of negligee does not quite equal snog fest with my husband." Lorne said.

"And maybe she bought it because she's hoping that things will change and they'll get a chance to use it." Angel said.

"Yeah, that has got to be it because they have already done the straying thing once before and if they do it again it would be really old." Cordelia agreed.

~~~~~~~~

_September 23, 2007__ _11:34 PM____

The cemetery was almost eerily quiet as the Grand-sire and Childe moved through it. Both seemed intent on not speaking to the other as they kept separating to follow imaginary sounds then would return when they realized it was nothing. It had been almost an hour since they had left the house, leaving a disappointed Slayer behind, when Angel asked if just he and Spike could handle it.

"I know you don't like me," Angel finally said to break the silence. "And you're having problems with me being around."

"Did you rehearse that much?"

"Yeah, actually I did."

Spike smiled as he headed for an above ground tomb to sit on top of it. "Why bother?"

"Because it's time we ended this," Angel replied coming to sit beside him, "for everyone."

"Buffy?"

"She's part of everyone."

"So, consider it settled." Spike said, torn between not wanting to upset Buffy and not wanting to talk things over with Angel.

Anger teased at him as Angel sighed. Of course poofter couldn't just let it go. It wouldn't be enough that he said it was over.  Angel had probably promised Buffy a glorious reunion and he wouldn't want to fail her.

"What do I have to do to get you to see I'm sorry for everything that Angelus did to you?"

"That's really funny," Spike said as he laughed. "When are you going to quit using that sorry ass excuse of Angelus? That's one of the things that really pisses me off. It was Angelus, you're Angel now, and so, the slate is wiped clean. I sure as hell don't refer to myself as Spikelus and Spike. And no one else just excused me because I had a soul. I had to earn my way into this family. Still do."

Spike watched as the older vampire hopped off the tomb and walked a few feet away before turning back with his hands on his hips. "Okay, I'm fucking sorry for everything I ever did to you."

"Everything?" Spike asked with one eyebrow raised.

"No, not everything but do we have to discuss it?"

Spike laughed again, "I just wanted to see if you remembered. It's not really the things you did when we traveled together. Not anymore."

"Dru? Buffy?"

"Them and your self-righteous champion attitude."

"Dru was mine first and actually so was Buffy but if it's worth anything to you I'm sorry for hurting them the way I did. Neither of them deserved it."

"No, they didn't."

Angel gave up and returned to sit next to Spike. "Spike, I can't change what I've done…"

"Just atone for it, right?" 

"Yeah, and try to do better. Like with Cordelia."

"Bet you're glad that you found a way to anchor your soul in." Spike said trying to divert the conversation to something that wouldn't easily seduce him into anger and another fight.

"Yeah, I am."

"Must be nice getting laid every night for a change." Spike had to ask. It was something that had teased at him for a long time and all he wanted was a straight answer. "Would you have tried to get Buffy back if you had found it earlier?"

"I had Buffy back but it was at the wrong costs and I walked away again."

It took a moment for the words to register then surprise overcame Spike as well as the pain that were behind Angel's words. And as blue eyes met brown ones, Spike could see the pain was real.  "When? How? Buffy never has said anything."

"She doesn't remember. The day was erased. I was made human and I couldn't fight and there was something bad coming."

"And you chose to fight instead of being with her."

"Yeah, and I don't want her to know now."

Angel's admission changed a lot of things for Spike. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Although he now knew in his heart without a doubt that Buffy was his, the confession from his Sire released the last of the poisonous jealousy that he had held onto. 

"Never would tell her but maybe you should. Secrets aren't good." Spike replied. "Did it piss you off that I was given both?"

"Yeah, it did but it's what she needed and I'm happy for you guys now."

"After a lot of brooding."

Angel only smiled at his comment because they both knew it was true.

"You know that's why it never would have worked between you two with you both being who you are."

"Enlighten me."

"It's simple. The lack of emotions it takes to do what you all to do, to lead the fight. Buffy was like that before she died. Even went on a retreat to get back in touch with herself. And now the kids even know that when Buffy is in Slayer mode to leave her alone. You both need people like me and Cordelia in your lives. People who remember that life is for living and pull you back into it and remind you that you are loved to balance out the other side."

The surprise was evident on Angel's face. Apparently he had never thought of it that way.

"You may be right but it doesn't seem that Buffy is having problems with emotions, right now."

"Not after six years with me except for that time with that punk. By the way if you ever become Angelus again, can I add Richard to the kill list?"

"And ruin your good boy image? Don't think so but I'm sure Angelus will remember that he has some gripes about the fool, thinking he can take Buffy away from Sunnydale."

Spike fell silent as he was slowly drawn into all that went into winning Buffy's heart and now something was going to destroy her and he had nothing tangible to fight. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"We'll find a way. Buffy isn't going anywhere." Angel said as he pulled his hand back and stood again. "Come on, obviously the demons and vampires are cowards in this town and hid when they heard us coming."

"Nah, they thought my daughter was on her way." 

"How is that working out? And what is going on with her and Connor?" Angel asked as they started to walk back toward the house.

"Better be nothing going on." Spike responded.

"Agree with you there."

It wasn't completely settled nor would it probably ever be between them but they both felt that they had made strides in working out their relationship. It was almost as if they knew that it would take them working together that would give Buffy any hope of fighting the blackness that threatened to consume her.

TBC


	9. Just For Today

**Chapter 8 –  Just For Today**

_September 24, 2007__ _6:15 AM____

Everything hurt as he stretched, or tried to stretch, on the too small couch for his frame. Spike sighed and gave up, slumping back into the cushions. After Max and the LA gang had left last night, he had hidden himself in his study to avoid the politeness that was his wife. Finally sometime after midnight he had thrown himself onto the couch and fell into an exhausted sleep.

He sat up and started to swing his feet over the side but stopped as he realized that Buffy was curled on the floor sleeping beside him. She was wrapped in the comforter from their bed with her hands tucked under her head.

"Buffy," he called softly as his fingers lightly ran over her hair.

"Good morning," she whispered and rolled over onto her back. "I wasn't sleeping very well."

"Why are you down here?"

He knew why but he asks anyway because he wants something to wipe away the hurt and humiliation from yesterday.

"You know I can't sleep without you," Buffy whispered. "I'm sorry for being a bitch yesterday."

"Yeah, you were. It hurt."

Her eyes closed as she accepts what she had done to him. As she started to speak Spike laid a hand across her lips.

"No, don't. You were and I understand to a point but that is the first time that you have made it personal. Do you really hate having me touch you?"

Buffy shook her head, "No, just the usual not wanting to be touched and being frustrated and scared."

It was enough. He would accept her words as truth because they have come too far to bury themselves in lies and secrets. 

"You were right to a point though. You do have enough to worry about without this too." Spike turned so that he was lying on his stomach and looking down at her. "I shouldn't have been pushing you."

"It's okay. We've handled everything together and I should have just opened my mouth and said that it was too much."

"Yeah, better than lashing out."

"Yeah, you the king of lashing out giving advice to me."

"Yeah, I am giving advice to the bitch."

They both laughed and knew they were okay again.  Their eyes caressed the other's face with all the fervor of making love for the first time relishing that they had come through so much that it took so few words to understand and make amends.

"I want you to do something for me though," Spike said. "I want you to call Dr. Parker and have every test that they can do on you done. Let's rule out the physical."

"Okay, I'll do that." Buffy closed her eyes for a moment. "Spike?"

"Yeah?"

She opened her eyes and looked up at him almost sadly. "Nothing, I'm just tired from this weekend. It's kind of making me out of it."

"You sure? You know you can tell me anything."

"I know, baby. Like I said I'm tired and I'm feeling kind of wonky. It's probably just the baby and everything going on."

"Probably but go on upstairs to bed, Pet, and get some more sleep. I'll get the kids off to school this morning."

"Are you sure you're okay with the kids this morning? Shit," Buffy pushed her hair back as she sighed in frustration. "Sean, we didn't call his parents last night."

"So, what do you want to do?"

"Take him to school and register him? We'll talk to his parents later and if we need we can send him back but we don't want him to miss anymore school just in case."

Spike sat up with his feet resting on Buffy's legs. "You know when I agreed to try for a baby I didn't agree to become Pa Walton."

The sound of her laughter was good as she struggled to get out from under his feet. "We'll just call him Sean Boy."

"Funny, Ma."

She pulled him down for a quick kiss before standing up and wrapping the comforter around her. "If you're sure that you can handle everything then I am going to take you up on your offer and go back to bed."

"Yep, I can, get the kids and the chickens fed before I go on out and cut some lumber and dispense with some parental advice."

Buffy started down the hallway as she said, "Good night, Spike."

But Spike didn't hear her as he headed for his computer to check his email before rousing the children.

~~~~~~~~~~

_September 24, 2007__ _3:15 PM____

The fourth bedroom upstairs had been used as a storeroom before they had pretty much decided that another teenager would be living with them. So, after spending the day taking the kids to school, getting Sean registered for classes and cleaning the house, Spike was now trying to clean out this room so the boy would have someplace to sleep besides the couch.

"What's going on?" Buffy asked softly as she leaned against the doorjamb. After taking her husband's advice she had spent the day sleeping on and off and had just come from taking a long soothing bath. 

"Hey, thought we'd put Sean in here."

"Oh, I thought we were moving Eli in here and turning his room into the nursery."

He furrowed his brow as he turned to look at her. "We were? Don't really remember the conversation. It must have been the same one when we decided for you to start on themes for this nursery." 

"Are you saying I imagined it?"

"No, pet, just don't remember it, that's all. There were a lot of people around this weekend maybe you talked to someone else about it." He moved some boxes next to the wall. "We have accumulated a lot of junk over the last few years. Do you want to go through any of it or just move it to the basement?"

"Why not move it to the attic?"

Spike stood and put his hands on his hips. "See, I was thinking that we'd go ahead and talk to Xander about the attic. By the time the baby gets here we could move up there. There's plenty of room to add a nursery in the corner. Then when he's old enough he moves into Elijah's room who by then will have moved into our room."

"Do we want to add an actual room up there for the nursery?"

Laughing he moved to stand in front of her, "Buffy, the way we are multiplying kids at this point we are going to end up like the Gilbreths instead of the Waltons."

"Only a difference of four," Buffy wickedly smiled at him. "So, Mr. Blood are you saying you want eight more children? The big bad vampire has memorized children from movies and television and wants to emulate those kinds of families."

"Actually, I watched them and fantasized about eating my way through the whole family. Would have kept Dru and me fed for days."

"Eeew, major eeew," She grimaced then her eyes flew open, "You aren't even considering…"

"Oh, good God no, Buffy, how could you even think that?" Spike turned back to the boxes, "Actually, was an only child and when I was human I used to dream about meeting the perfect woman and having lots of kiddies. Don't know how I thought I was going to do it. Too shy too approach anyone much less make babies with anyone."

Buffy felt her eyes tear up at his confession. Whenever he talked about the dreams he used to have it always tore at her because most of them had been broken somewhere along the line. 

"Well, good luck on finding the perfect woman but I think the lots of kiddies part is coming true," she quipped.

Then as if they had conjured them up the front door slammed.

"Mum, Dad, we're home. Got Eli like you asked and something got delivered for you, Dad." Raven's voice bellowed up the stairs.

As Buffy looked at him, Spike shrugged his shoulders, "Didn't order anything. Let's go find out what it is."

With him leading the way they moved down the stairs and followed the sounds of voices and the slamming of the refrigerator door as the children found something to eat.

"Mummy, you never told Daddy about the checklist. I almost went to school without it," Elijah announced as his parents came into the room.

"Bad Mummy for not telling him about it. Did you set him straight?" Buffy asked as she went to hug and kiss him hello. Every morning she played a game with her son, to make sure he had everything for school and it was dubbed the checklist game.

"Yep, he knows now, even about telling me not to use powers."

After quick hellos, Spike asked about his delivery and Raven pointed to a long floral box on the counter.  His brows furrowed he approached it as if it was going to explode.

"We ran into the delivery guy outside, so I just signed for it. Was it okay?" Raven asked.

"Yeah, should be," Spike said as he pulled the card free. He looked at Buffy who was standing by him. "Did you send these?"

"Not me," Buffy said with an undertone of jealousy. "Who's sending you flowers?"

He slowly pulled the card out of the envelope as if he didn't really want to know. The words were printed and he knew that it had been written by the clerk at the store and not by the person who had sent them. All the card read was 'Soon it will be as it should be'. 

"It's got to be from her, the one that was sending letters to the publishing house." Spike said as he handed the card to Buffy. "I'm going to go and call Barney."

Hurrying toward his study he didn't see Buffy lay the card down and follow him. As the study door started to close behind Spike, she pushed it open again to step into the room and quietly she shut it behind her.

"Are they from her?"

"From who," Spike responded as he picked up the phone and started to dial. 

 "Are they from your whore? Are they from the bitch who tried to take you away from me?" 

The venom in Buffy's voice startled Spike and he turned to her. His eyes widened at the fury that marred her face and made her body tremble. He clicked the phone off as she advanced on him, her stride almost seductive in its intent.

"Don't lie to me. Max said she was out on bail. Are you seeing her again?" Her voice had dropped to an icy whisper as her eyes dropped to his crotch then slowly made their way back to his eyes.

"No, Buffy, you know I wouldn't do that." He defended himself as he fought the disbelief that she would really think that he would even look at another woman at this point much less gauge in an affair. They had offered their lives for each other. How could she think that anyone else could even interest him now?

"How do I know that? How? You did before." She walked forward as he stepped back until he is pressed against the desk. "Are you feeling overwhelmed? Or is it the fact that I won't fuck you every five minutes?"

"Don't do this, please. I love you, you know that. I wouldn't look at another bird.  Not now. Everything's been so good between us."

As fear clutched his bowels that she might not believe him, she pushed him backwards until he sat on the desk. Spike searched her eyes for a sign that this might be a joke or something other than what it was. But there was only jealousy and anger in her eyes as she leaned close to him, softly nuzzled his face with her nose before she kissed him harshly.

"I won't share you again." She whispered as her hands kneaded at his hips. 

"I know, Love. Don't want anyone but you." 

"Good, I'm glad to hear that because I wonder if the torture you like so much would feel as good now as it did when you're body was cold and dead."

"What are you talking about?" Since his transformation and her pregnancy the games they had played had been pushed aside. Spike had tried more everyday to stay in the light, to act and be more human than ever before. But her words brought back reminders of the blackness that still tempted him.

Spike tried to back away from her but she clutched at his shirt to keep him where he was. 

"Don't, Baby, I would only hurt you enough to remind you that you are mine and I'm the only one who truly knows who you are." She kissed his neck and scraped her teeth slowly along his flesh. "But the bitch who is trying to take you away, I'll drain her a little more everyday and make you drink her. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah, I do." _More than you'll ever know because I've done it before_, he thought as she kissed him one last time before turning and leaving the room. 

~~~~~~~~~

_September 24, 2007__ _3:45 PM____

After his wife had left the room Spike told himself to breathe and to calm down. It had to be hormones and some of that 'not feeling right' from this morning. He sighed and closed his eyes as he replayed the previous scene again wondering why she would get jealous when she already knew about the letters. Somehow the woman who had written them had tracked him down, not that they had ever really tried to hide. His books were published under the only legal name he had. Eventually anyone could find them but now he was thankful again that the security system had been installed just in case the woman decided to visit.

He picked the phone up and called Barney. His editor told him that he would call the police, explain the situation and have them come out to take a statement. Not that it would do much good, he explained, except to chronicle the woman's advances. Until she did something threatening or showed up there wasn't very much they could do. The letters had come from a PO Box and the person who had taken it out had given a false address. Thus the reason she had probably switched her method of contact. As Barney explained things to him, Spike hoped that Buffy hadn't destroyed the flowers or cards in her jealous tantrum. 

After a few minutes, Spike hung up from him, and tried to call Sean's parents. All he got was an answering machine, so he left a message explaining the situation and his name and phone number. After he hung up he laid the phone on the desk, his fingers almost caressing it as he tried to talk himself out of what he wanted to do. Then before he changed his mind he quickly picked it up and dialed.

"Angel Investigations," Cordelia answered.

"Hey, Cordy, can I speak to Angel?"

"Everything okay?" 

Her voice switched to worry mode after hearing Spike's voice because he never called unless there was something wrong.

"No, everything's fine. Just want to talk to him, that's all."

"Hold on."

It took only a couple of seconds before Angel was on the phone, expressing his wife's concern on finding out that his Grand-Childe was on the phone.

"Nothing's really wrong. Did you find out anything?"

"Not yet. Wesley and Fred are researching pregnancies and vampires but nothing yet. What do you mean, not really wrong?"

Spike sighed again and leaned back in his chair. He hated his weakness for needing to talk to someone, especially Angel but it was if in this situation he was the only one who would understand. The only one he wanted to unburden to instead of the friends he had made over the years. Maybe because Angel was the only one who had ever loved Buffy as much as he did and knew what it was like to lose her.

"You know the woman who was sending me letters at my publishing house."

"Yeah, did she send more?"

"Kind of," Spike laughed mirthlessly. "She sent flowers to the house this time. Buffy went ballistic, accused me of having an affair. She even thought it might be Donna sending them."

"Was it Donna?"

"No, God, I was wrong to even call you," Spike started to click off the phone when he heard Angel calling for him. "What?'

"I had to ask. I believe you if you say its not."

"It's not."

"What did Buffy do when she went ballistic?"

"She threatened to torture me to remind me who I belonged to."

Angel laughed, "Come on, Spike, that's sounds like something you'd actually enjoy."

"It wasn't that. It was when she threatened whoever was trying to take me away from her. She threatened to kill her. A human."

Neither of them spoke for a moment as both contemplated Spike's confession. Finally, Angel broke the silence.

"Spike, she has tried to kill a human before. Faith."

"Yeah, but that was different."

"How? Because Faith had tried to kill me first. Buffy thought about it, planned it and went after her."

"True, but she also threatened to feed this woman to me…yeah, Faith again. I'm sorry I'm probably over reacting."

"Spike, look, I'm not telling you to dismiss it because it has precedence but keep track of the weird things she says or does. It might have something to do with everything that's going on with her. Okay?"

Talking to Angel had helped to put things into perspective and had taken the edge of panic off of Spike. Buffy probably was just making sure that her territory was safe. Things had changed and now there were four children involved and it wasn't something that Buffy would just let go of for anything or anyone. She could be as fierce as any lioness protecting her young and maybe that's all this was. This afternoon was just a reminder that she would fight for him if she had to.

"Thanks Angel. I appreciate you listening to me."

"That's what I'm here for. Just add the time to your bill." 

And with that Spike hung up on him.  

Laughter floated to him from the kitchen and he made his toward it. He watched them for a moment as Buffy talked to them about school and homework. It was a total switch from just a few moments ago when she had threatened him.  There was no trace of the earlier anger as she relaxed with her children.

When she spotted him she gestured for him to join their circle and he went willingly to her and the warmth she was offering again. He sat down at the table beside her as Sean launched into a tale of his first day in gym class and Spike felt an almost surreal atmosphere around him as he listened to their conversations and wondered briefly if he had imagined Buffy's jealous tirade.

TBC


	10. The Dinner

**Chapter 9 – The Dinner**

_September 28, 2007__ _6:17 PM____

All Buffy wanted was to curl up somewhere and hide but she forced herself to stand there behaving normally when she knew that it wasn't. Normal that was or maybe it was just her that wasn't normal. Spike had said it was okay. Raven had said it was okay. Then they had rushed to the store to get the deli chicken she was now arranging on a platter because she had forgotten to turn the oven on so that dinner could cook. When you thought about what she had done it was trivial but it wasn't the first time that she had forgotten to do simple things.

The lists that everyone had teased her about at one point or another were becoming her lifeline to get through the day. There hadn't really been anything major and it had only happened a few times so she was trying not to take it too seriously. Not until she had seen the doctors. Hopefully it was related to the pregnancy and would fade soon. And that was why she hadn't told Spike yet because he was looking into all the mystical reasons for this blackness that was coming so she was going to concentrate on the physical and mental problems she was having now. The forgetfulness, the non-touching and the mood swings. Kate had said that most likely it was all pregnancy related and not to worry.

But Monday she had an appointment with Dr. Parker for further tests which she had asked Giles to take her to. That was something else that she hadn't told Spike about. If there was something wrong then she wanted the chance to deal with it before telling him. Spike would be devastated if there was something physically wrong with her that he couldn't fight. 

She had also told Sara everything that was going on and the fear that was threatening to take her over as surely as the blackness that Lorne had predicted. Sara had said the same thing as Kate but wanted to discuss the results of her tests with Kate and Dr. Parker.  So, Buffy had signed the release forms for them to have a conference to discuss her condition. She trusted Kate and Sara and knew that they wouldn't give up until they knew for sure what was wrong or wasn't wrong with her.

Sara had also requested that Buffy start coming back once a week instead of the every three weeks schedule that they had just started. It felt like a step back but she wanted to do the best thing for her family so she had agreed. The baby came first above everything and hopefully by next week she would know that everything was fine and they could concentrate on the mystical threat.

Now she just had to keep all this from Spike for just a couple more days and they would be set.

"Mummy," Elijah whispered and patted her arm.

"What's up?"

"The rolls, we forgot the rolls."

And her son, always knowing her pain, had become her co-conspirator in her problems. He kept helping her when she was forgetful or spacey and she was afraid to ask him what he felt around her. If he felt the fragmentation in her that she did. So, he became her fellow schemer in trying to keep anyone else from knowing that something wasn't quite right.

Buffy squatted down so she could look him in the eyes, "Thanks, baby. I appreciate it."

After she stood again and reached for the rolls to take to the table, he laughed and patted her stomach. 

"I'm not the baby. Baby in there, I'm your little prince." He chortled.

Buffy laughed along with him bending down to kiss the top of his head. "Yes, you are my little prince and Mummy loves you."

"Love you, too."

Taking the plate of rolls in one hand and the chicken in the other, Buffy headed toward the dining room with Elijah right behind her.

~~~~~~~~

There was an awkward atmosphere around the dinner table as the family passed the food around, helping themselves as they stole glances at each other. Raven had invited Dawn and Josh to dinner to discuss the protest that they wanted to do and, of course, to get her parent's permission. Unfortunately without the distraction of a party and a crowd of people no one was completely comfortable. In the past Dawn had always sat at Spike's side so they could gang up on everyone else and especially Buffy. But now Dawn was sitting at the other end of the table with Josh being a buffer between her and Spike. 

Everyone jumped when Spike spoke even though he was using his quiet, accent fully on, 'I'm in control' voice. 

"Sean, I've left two messages for your parents and they haven't called me back."

It was times like this that Raven could see the awkwardness that her Dad still had about his new role and this life he led. It was like his skin was borrowed from someone else and he was playing a game as he sat at the head of the table, dressed in civvies clothes, and eating chicken and green beans. How did you go from a hundred years of mayhem and murder to being Eric Camden in just a few years? How did you go from being a warrior that saved the world all the time to a gentle father? 

It almost didn't make sense and sometimes she would imagine that one day he would stand up, throw off this suburban costume and leave in a flash of smoke with dramatic music playing. She wondered if he was happy like this. Was this what he had really been working for on his road to redemption or if this was something that he fell into and wondered how to get out of? Like the day of her birthday when he had needed to flex his muscles and hit something? The nest would have been there later but he had needed to fight to remind him that he wasn't all this. Was it worth giving up for this? 

She picked up the plate of rolls, took one and as she passed the plate to Spike, she was reminded why it was worth it for him. His face softened into a countenance of such peace and devotion that it almost hurt to see it. Her father was looking at her mother. It was love that had tamed him so completely and she wondered if he would be able to hold it together without her. To keep the family a family if this blackness took her away. 

She and her brother weren't supposed to know about the blackness but she had listened to conversations and had heard the whispered words. And she knew why they hadn't told them yet. It was because they didn't know anything about it yet but they forgot about Elijah. That Elijah knew things and felt things that went on in the world around him. And he always came to her first so that she could tell him what to do about it. It was the old game of children versus parents and Raven liked being the interpreter of his 'feelings' so he told her before anyone else. 

And Elijah felt the blackness.

If that was what it was that was making Mum act the way she had been lately. Like not turning the oven on and the constant list checking to make sure everything was done. Until her parent's knew what was going on she didn't want to burden them with the fact that they knew. There would be time because Elijah said that Mum's light was only a little dimmer than what it used to be.

So, Raven had told him to help Mum any way he could and to keep her informed about things that happened. Every thing that he told her and that she saw she marked in a little book that was hidden in her room. Once Mum and Dad knew about what was going on then she would give them the list so they knew a little more.

She waited until Sean told Spike he should be able to get a hold of his parent's this weekend. Weekends were always a little easier because they were pretty much at home.

It was time. Time for her to start forging her own path and it wasn't because she doubted her parent's love. Raven knew that they were loved and wanted here. She and her brother had been drawn into the brilliant light of her parent's love and it was warm and safe here. There was no doubt that Sean was being pulled in too despite the things Mum and Dad didn't know yet she was confident that he would soon be a permanent member of the house.

Just in case the blackness couldn't be defeated then she needed her own life; a purpose besides being Raven Sylvia Montgomery Blood, elder sister to Elijah Martin Montgomery Blood, and daughter of William and Buffy Blood. And with her fingers crossed under the table, she added, the future wife of Connor.

So, taking a deep breath she opened her mouth to start her well prepared speech.

~~~~~~~~

It was one of those cases of not knowing what to do or how to do it. What do you say to your wife's little sister who had confessed that you were what she measured even her husband by? That was a lot for anyone much less a souled redeemed vampire to take. He was afraid to even look at her because it might give her the wrong impression. All those times when he had hugged her, held her and danced with her it had been arousal he had smelled and he had denied it. What was he going to do? Enjoy it? It was Dawn who was always a child to him although not as much now that she was a married woman but it was still a completely unwanted knowledge. 

So, he sat at the end of the table like a good little denier and shoveled food in his mouth. Even as a vampire he had loved food but now it had more flavor and texture than ever before even washed down with the blood he still needed. Buffy teased him and said it was because he had quit smoking but food was definitely a priority in his life now. Cigarettes and sex were gone so food was it. So, much so that he had gained ten pounds in the last month and a half. 

No one was talking. It grated on his nerves. Buffy was embarrassed because she had forgotten to turn the oven on, Dawn was as afraid of him as he was of her, Josh didn't know whose side to be on, Sean wasn't comfortable in his new environment, Elijah was just taking everything in and Raven was working up to something. She had that humming quality about her that teenage girls had and soon she was going to burst out with it.

Forcing himself to open his mouth he asked Sean about his parent's again. It was weird that they hadn't called them back. When Raven even went to a family member's house to spend the night he was on the phone to check up on her. There just wasn't something right about having your son across the country and not making sure that he was safe.  He would give it this weekend before pushing the issue. They had paperwork to take care of him and if his parents didn't want to care than Spike and Buffy did.

And that brought him back to Buffy; his wife who seemed to be in one kind of trouble or another and keeping secrets from him again. She forgot that he knew her too well. Every motion and gesture was imbedded into him, he knew her relaxed, tense, fighting, angry, lustful and broken in defeat, or like she was now, secretive.

Giles had called him to let him know what Buffy was up to. It wasn't that he was trying to betray her confidence but just to make sure that she was kept safe.  And Spike decided not to call her on it. If it helped her to think she wasn't worrying him then let her have that much piece of mind. Kate said that what Buffy was afraid of was probably nothing more than pregnancy woes compounded by this blackness threat. The tests would prove she was fine and then they could concentrate on other things. 

Raven handed him the plate of rolls and after grabbing two passed them to Josh all the while watching his wife. 

Elijah and Buffy were whispering to each other. Both of them wore this intensely goofy grin as they decided if they wanted fried or rotisserie chicken as if the fate of the world depended on it. And his insides turned to mush as he watched them. He had fought them being parents and it was something that Buffy had taken to like a duck to water. Even having problems like she was she was totally focused on their children even enough to include Sean into the circle. 

Buffy was his world because she had given him the world. She was the catalyst for this life he had now. When he had chosen to be in a living body again he had allowed himself to fully surrender to this life and path they had followed. To allow himself to be vulnerable to her and his love for her by giving up lifetimes without her and this was it for better or worse. The one shot for his happiness was here and not out there somewhere or eons from now or even with someone else it was here in this house with this family and he would fight for it and her with everything he had.

He heard Raven take a deep breath and turned toward her. She was ready to let the cat out of the bag.

~~~~~~~~~~

Josh figured if he concentrated on his food enough he could ignore the tension between his wife and his brother-in-law. It practically danced on the air between them and it made him wish that he could leave. To leave her and Sunnydale and this whole mess behind him but he knew that he wouldn't. Eventually Dawn would see that her feelings for this vampire were just a fairy tale that wasn't real. That he was her future and her life and could give her the love she wanted.  That one day she would see that he could give her the attention she wanted without her having to screech for it.

In a way he had hoped that they would never make up because during her estrangement from the family she had been happier and more confident than she was when she was around them. Not that he was blaming them. It was her. She had never really gotten over losing everything and feeling that everyone she loved had failed her. 

For five years now he had been the one that had held her secrets and dreams; had been the one to soothe her when no one else noticed something wrong. But yet she had always vied for Spike's attention and when it failed Dawn had turned to him to make her feel like a woman.

Spike passed the plate of rolls to him and after taking one passed the plate to Dawn who accepted it with that soft sexy smile of hers. It was too much sometimes to love Dawn but then the rewards were what made it so worthwhile. He had been her first lover and she responded so easily to him. To his touch and he knew that in bed there was no one else there. 

Josh sighed softly and let his attention drift around the table to Elijah and Buffy discussing chicken, to Spike's look of adoration for his wife, to Sean trying to be inconspicuous but yet fit in and to Raven rehearsing her speech and working up the courage to say it. In spite of it all this was family and would always be his family even if Dawn decided to leave him one day.

He had grown up knowing up about demons and their world but they had never touched his pristine life on the upper west side of New York. It was his parent's life not his as he did all the things a kid like him was supposed to do. The private school, the piano lessons and soccer games on Saturday were his world until his Dad had trusted the wrong demon and had been found stabbed in an alley.

Then the rules changed as his mother closed herself off from everything and became a cold desolate woman. The love he had taken for granted was no longer there until it all changed again. In a demon war on the street his mother had done what she had always done and he had been there to help her tend the wounded.  Then when they had been hunted for helping the wrong side it had been mad dash to close off their lives so they could come here to Sunnydale.  It was where Kate could fight another war but she had found her soul mate instead. Now Josh knew love and family again and to his surprise they included vampires, demons, fairies, brownies, Slayers and a very special key. And he was happier than he had ever been in his life.

He heard Raven take a deep breath and knew it was time. It was time for a new chapter even though they didn't realize it. Raven, Dawn and Sean had never really seen war but if they did this protest that was what they were declaring. War. And he hoped they were really ready for it.

~~~~~~~~

He hadn't even looked at her when she had come through the front door and as a matter of fact, he had run muttering about checking something in his study. But it was her fault. Dawn Summers had done it again. She had ruined their relationship and now because of that everyone at this table was uncomfortable. Well, not totally her fault. She knew that Buffy was upset because she thought she had ruined dinner and Raven was going to throw herself on a limb about the protest but still, a lot of it was her.

From under her lashes she glanced at him as she accepted the plate of rolls from Josh. She hated this estrangement from the man who had once been her best friend because she had let go of secrets that were the kind better not ever told. It wasn't like by telling him that she had expected anything to change or even wanted it. Josh was her life now, her lover and best friend. That horrible year that Buffy had left them was the year she had known that Spike was never going to be hers no matter what happened. But it was also a wonderful year because Buffy had come home and made Spike happy and she had met Josh and Giles had married Kate. 

And her life had changed from then on. It would never be without the demons and the fighting but the uncertainty and pain of those years from the technical beginning of her existence through that year was gone. She had been happy. Happier than a lot of people she had known. Josh had never wavered in his love for her and she had a whole family. A Mom and Dad again, something that Buffy had missed out on.

But now finally Buffy had what she had always wanted; the home, the husband and the kids. 

Dawn was happy for her as she looked around the table. If only this thing that was threatening her sister could be defeated then everything in her future looked great. She swore that she would be there for Buffy no matter what and if she could she would take whatever the blackness was upon herself. Buffy had died for her once and had defended her even when others suggested she be destroyed and she would return that devotion with her own. 

Spike handed Raven the plate of chicken and Dawn observed the look on his face. It was one of amusement, indulgence and love as he made a comment about her needing to work off the food as she took two pieces. It was the one he used to give her a long time ago when she wasn't much older than Raven and she realized that he had never left her or stopped loving her. His feelings had evolved because life and time had gone on and she wasn't a child to be played with but a married woman who needed a more discreet distance from her brother-in-law and once again she felt foolish.

If they were ever going to be any kind of friends again it would be up to her. And it was time to mend the fences. She heard Raven take a deep breath and knew the speech was going to be made and she looked up and caught Spike's eye. He was wearing that pained look of an older adult knowing that a scheme was about to be unfurled for him to deal with and she flashed him that smile that Buffy always used to give him when she thought Dawn wouldn't notice. It was the one that asked for continued patience and love in dealing with the child. And Spike smiled back and for the first time in months she felt hope for their relationship.

~~~~~~~~~

Sean smiled as he looked around the table trying not to draw too much attention his way. These people were different from any people he had ever known. His whole world had been Lankasha and its people. For him to pack up only one bag to bring with him and travel across the country to Sunnydale had taken every bit of courage he had. He watched the plate of rolls passed from one person to the next as if an invisible thread linked them with the passage. Family. He didn't know what that really was except for Raven and her families. It was funny that Raven had been given two families in her lifetime and he really had none. But he was grateful because his friend was willing to share hers.

He heard Buffy laugh as she talked to Elijah and he really hoped the problems she had been having was just pregnancy related and not the blackness everyone feared. Buffy was a special woman, stronger than any female he had known and it wasn't physical. It took someone with a very special heart to have survived her life and now to create life. It wasn't just having a baby but the opening of her doors to children who weren't her own and loving them as if they were. He only hoped that she and her vampire mate would allow him to stay. 

This was what he had been craving for all of his lonely life and he would give everything he had to keep it. So, he had vowed to always be a help around the house, to be quiet, to do good in school and to fight their fights including the one that was coming for Buffy. To see the light go out of those eyes would be a loss for everyone and he wasn't sure if this family could survive without her. She was the center of everyone's life here. Without her it would never have existed and how did a universe continue to exist without its sun.

He reached over and plucked the last of the roll from the plate and as he reached for the butter he heard Raven take a deep breath and knew the first explosion was coming.

~~~~~~~

"Okay, Mum, Dad, I was thinking, well, Dawn and I were thinking, see there's going to be a protest at the university next weekend by that human club thingie and we want to stage a counter protest." Raven spit out as she complete forgot the speech she had practiced for days. And now because she sounded like a complete idiot they would tell her no.

Dawn laughed which turned to giggles then Sean joined in and Josh started in with that weird baritone guffaw he had. Elijah screeched in laughter just so that he could be included. 

"Thanks a lot for the support people."

She had wanted so much for everything to be right. Sean had helped her with writing the speech and she had actually stood in front of the mirror to practice. Instead she had babbled out a sentence that probably no one could figure out. But as she listened to the laughter around her and her father's lips twitched and her mother hid her mouth behind her hand, Raven couldn't help but laugh too. 

And as the laughter filled the room the tension between everyone shattered like fine crystal.

Suddenly everyone was talking over the other as questions were asked and answered about the protest and Buffy and Spike kept having a silent conversation about it. 

"It's going to be at the university?" Spike finally asked and everyone fell silent as they realized that it was serious time now.

"Yes sir." Raven answered.

"The club protest is permitted by the university?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, it is. I already checked it out and we can get the same permission as they did." Dawn answered.

"Mum, Dad, this is what Giles was talking about when he came over to tell me I was the Slayer. That it was about changing the future for humans and demons and I feel that this is an important step in that direction." Raven said. These words were from the heart and not part of the speech.

There was one more silent conversation between her parents in which their brows did a mirror raising as they decided.

"Fine, but I want to see permits or whatever else to show that this is okay with the university." Spike said.

"Thanks Dad."

It was settled. They had permission. The rest of dinner was a noisy comfortable affair that signified a true family meal. The demons of doubts and insecurity were now banished from their lives even if only for a few hours as everyone bonded together again. The talk covered the protest, school, and Buffy's pregnancy. Normal things for a normal family with normal lives and for a little while they all forgot that their lives were anything but normal but yet somewhere they all knew that they would be reminded of the truth another day.

TBC 


	11. Bronzing It

**Chapter 10 – Bronzing It**

_October 5, 2007__ _9:25 PM____

Carefully he lined up the shot, drew the pool stick back and then let it fly.

"Yes," Spike muttered as the ball sank into the center pocket as planned. "Shit," was his second phrase as the cue ball bounced off the side and slowed to a stop giving Xander a perfect set up.

"Thank you," Xander smiled as he leaned down to take aim. "Going bronzing with you while you are spying on your daughter is definitely good for my game."

"Speaking of…" Spike said as he began to look around for Raven.

"She's fine. She is in the back on the right dancing with Sean." 

Spike glanced in the direction that his friend had indicated and saw the two teenagers bouncing around in what they considered dancing. He smiled as he watched her for a moment longer taking in Dawn and Josh next to them before turning back to take his next shot. 

To know that his daughter was having a good time made him glad that he agreed to bring her and Sean out for the night. When she had first asked if they could just go with Dawn and Josh he had said no. And he had been right. Connor was going to be at the Bronze also.  But then she had pouted and said that Sean needed to know the night life and why didn't he come along and bring Xander to play pool or something.  Buffy had said that it would probably be good for them to get out and he had finally agreed. He couldn't even remember the last time that he and Xander had hung out and talked so he had relented. Knowing that Buffy and Elijah had gone over to Anya's for some girl time had helped with the decision.

"So, what is going on with this protest thing?" Xander asked while gathering the balls from the pockets to send down to Spike.

"That club the Soldier's had started is holding this protest to keep demons out of the university." Spike said as he racked the balls. "So, Raven and Dawn are holding a counter protest. Each of them have claim to different ends of the quad on Sunday."

"Is it just Raven and Dawn or other people going to be out there?"

"Sean, Janice, Connor, the Chickies…"

"The Chickies? What are they doing there?"

"Reliving their youth, I think. It seems they were quite the flower children in the sixties. Plus they all have adopted Raven as an unofficial grand-daughter."

"Delores? A flower child? Can't quite picture it but you never know. And having some more adults around should make you and the Buffmeister feel better about things."

"Yeah, it does." Spike sighed. "She's only fifteen but it seems she is going on twenty. Break 'em" He said gesturing toward the pool table.

~~~~~~~~

The black leather pants were hot but Raven knew she looked good in them so she would put up with it. That was one of the good things about having a younger Mum was the clothes factor. Buffy had mega clothes to borrow and now that she had gone through a growth spurt in the last month they fit just right over her new curves. Even Sean's eyes had widened in appreciation when he had seen her in the pants worn with a frilly pink top that showed her totally flat stomach and whatever little cleavage she had. Now if only Connor would glance her way it would be totally cool but he was hanging out at the bar with Janice.

"Quit fretting and staring. He knows and you are not doing anything but feeding his ego." Sean whispered as he shifted closer to her on the couch. 

"I can't help it. I spent almost two hours getting ready and he hasn't even glanced my way."

"And that's because he knows that you didn't decide to come until you knew he was going to be here. Relax and have a good time."

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered before turning to smile at her best friend. Raven couldn't believe that he was going to end up almost being her brother. Spike and Buffy had confronted them earlier in the week to find out the truth and not having a choice they had finally revealed it. That Sean after his parents had recently divorced and his father had taken off with a girl Dawn's age and his mother had moved to New York to find herself had decided to make a life for himself. And since neither one of them had really wanted the responsibility of their almost grown son had willingly agreed for him to come to California just to be free of the burden. 

Spike and Buffy had thrown a fit, called Morgana to have papers drawn up for legal guardianship of the Brownie and now they were being federal expressed around the country to get the signatures. As soon as they came back Sean would be an official member of the family. 

Now, if they had only bothered to tell her parents that Sean's fiancé 'Elise' didn't exist.

~~~~~~~

"Yellow ball, right pocket," Xander said as he took his shot. "The test results were all negative?"

"Yeah, everything was clear. Of course, there are tests that they couldn't do because of the pregnancy but," Spike hesitated for a moment while he eyed a shot, "Kate and Dr. Parker both think it's just the pregnancy doing all this."

The blond moved around the table to check out another possible shot while Xander watched him. 

"Any more stuff happen? Beyond the bitchiness, forgetfulness…"

"And me, jerking off twenty times a day, nope, nothing else." Spike leaned across the table. "Blue in the corner." 

"I feel for you, man, nothing would ever stop Anya from getting sex even the lack of sex drive."

"Thanks for the encouragement," Spike said as he took a sip of his beer. "It's not the sex really. It's the lack of Buffy. Just holding her and smelling her and the way she tastes."

"TMI, buddy, TMI. And it is the sex. You're a guy. It's always about sex."

Spike laughed and nodded. "Yeah, and I am missing the sex. Bad. Even with using pictures of Buffy the hand just ain't doing it."

Xander stood up and stared at Spike then shook his head slowly. "Pictures? Buffy? Whoa, visuals…having visuals about my best friend's wife. Not good. Don't do that."

"It was your wife's idea and your camera. Okay, didn't need to go there either. Not that Anya is well, you know what I mean."

They both laughed. It was an old comfortable joke by now of how they had each had a thing at one time for the other's wife. After years of being friends and being married it didn't bother them anymore. It was also the complete trust in their friendship that made it all right to joke about it.

"Seriously, Spike, nothing more on this blackness thing?"

"Not a damn thing. It's frustrating as hell but at least the family is together on this."  
  


"What do you mean?" Xander asked as he returned part of his focus back to his game. 

"Well, when we got the test results back, Raven and Eli demanded to know. Eli was feeling things about Buffy. The problems she's been having and told Raven. Raven didn't say anything to us and had Eli taking care of Buffy. But we've all talked now and everybody is being kept informed. So, if she does something strange, the kids tell us and vice versa."

"That's good. You don't think she was serious about your stalker, do you?"

"Hell yeah, I don't know who she is but she had better think twice about messing with a hormonally charged pregnant Slayer. Cuz I'll find her chained in the basement and be drinking her for dinner."

"Are you sure it's not Donna?"

Spike shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I really don't know. Max was going to try to have it checked out but I don't think so. Donna was always pretty forthright about everything."

Xander took his shot and stepped back whistling as it totally missed and rolled back breaking  some other balls that had been in a group together. 

"Forthright didn't get her anywhere. Maybe she is trying something new."

"Maybe, I just hope it isn't because if it is her I might be tempted to let Buffy deal with her."

~~~~~~~~

Raven looked good, really good. The pants really showed off the new curvier swell of her bottom and she obviously knew it from the way she was dancing. The bell sleeves of her pink top fell over her hands and when she raised them above her head they revealed the rings that adorned each finger. They twinkled in the lights and her eyes almost flashed in time to the driving beat of the music. The glitter that adorned her face and her cleavage sparkled giving her an ethereal quality as she moved. It was almost as if she had been incarnated from pure magic and he waited. 

He waited for the wave of desire to move through his body from looking at her. He waited to feel the jealousy of watching her dance with someone else. 

And it didn't come.

Not even a spark of ancient fire. 

Not even a turquoise shade of the green-eyed monster.

He sighed. It wasn't going to change no matter what he wanted. And he wondered how to tell her. It was going to hurt her once she knew because the lie had been going on for a long time.

He was gay.

Not how the hell was he going to tell his best friend? The same best friend that had lost her virginity to him and in that act had sealed what he had already suspected? 

Sean looked around to find Spike and watched for a moment while he laughed with his friend. The two of them were so masculine. There was not way he could let the secret out.  They wouldn't accept him and he would be on his own again. They could accept Willow and Tara because didn't all straight guys have this thing for lesbians? His own parents couldn't accept him so why should they?

So, his secret would remain his secret. He would continue to chase girls and hope he didn't slip up. Spotting two girls from his science class staring at him from across the floor, Sean smiled and made his way toward them. No time like the present to continue the charade that was his life.

~~~~~~~

The waitress put down two more beers in front of them and the onion appetizer. After telling her thanks the two friends turned their attention to the food.

"Anya says you're gaining weight."

"Gee, thanks Love, are you telling me I'm fat?" Spike grinned as he popped some petals in his mouth.

"Yeah, and that dress, so not you, it makes your butt appear about three times bigger." Xander said as they both started laughing.

"Thanks," Spike said when he quit. "I love them but I get so caught up in the females it's nice to be reminded that I'm a man."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Spike froze as he stared out onto the dance floor and watched his daughter dancing with a man that had to be older than even Connor. He growled unconsciously as he started to stand. Xander grabbed his arm as he followed his friend's gaze.

"Leave her alone, Spike. You go out there and she will never live it down. As long as she's visible on the dance floor she's fine."

Spike pulled his arm free, "She's fine on the dance floor? Buffy and I have had sex on that dance floor."

"Sit. And so have Anya and I but she was wearing a skirt, what about Buffy?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Raven is dancing, getting sweaty," Spike growled louder at the image and Xander hurried to finish his point before it was too late. "And she is wearing leather pants. There is no way he could get to her. So, as long as she is visible she's fine."

Reluctantly Spike sat but he kept his eye on his daughter anyway. 

"So, you don't worry about Sean being in the house?"

"Nothing has given any indication that they are in the least bit interested in each other. Buffy and I are keeping an eye on them anyway."

"You okay with having another kid around?"

Spike took another drink of his beer before answering.

"Yeah, I'm fine with it. Sean is a good kid, too good, actually. We know that he is trying to be on his best behavior so that we don't send him away. So, we are waiting until that moment when he is so relaxed that he is just Sean. I have a feeling there is a lot hiding in that kid that even Raven doesn't know about."

This time when Spike searched the dance floor he was looking for someone else and he spotted him dancing with two girls. They seemed to be totally into Sean but there was an almost bored air about the boy. Like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was.

~~~~~~~

It was power. And she was finding out that she loved power. The Slaying adrenaline rush kind and this power that she was just discovering she had. The guy, 'Sam' that she had danced with had escorted her over to his two friends and all three of them were trying to impress her. Cracking jokes and asking her about school. It was funny because they all thought she was in college. There was definitely something to be said about applying the correct make up and the wearing of your Mum's clothes.

When Sam bent and whispered in her ear asking if she wanted a coke, she nodded her head yes.

"So, what are you all doing on Sunday?" She asked after he had ordered her a drink. 

"If you want to do something, I think we can arrange something," one of his friends cracked while looking at her breasts.

That made her uncomfortable but she forged on.

"My friends and I are holding a protest for equal rights at the university. Why don't you all come down and join us?"

"Equal rights for who?" Sam asked.

"For everyone who inhabits this town."

He shrugged his shoulders as he turned to pay for her drink. One of his friends made another lewd suggestion and as Sam handed her a drink he gave his friend a 'back off' glare.

"Sounds interesting, maybe I'll check it out."

Raven smiled her appreciation as she took a sip of the drink. His friends might be jerks but Sam seemed okay. Maybe this evening wasn't a total loss after all.

~~~~~~~

For the first time in a while, Spike felt totally relaxed and felt maybe he could sleep good. The six beers he had consumed had definitely contributed to his state but he felt he deserved it. He hadn't tied one on since he couldn't remember when and he figured if he was doing something all that wrong then Xander would have said something.

"You know what, brick layer?" Spike slurred slightly. "I think we need to do this more often. Where's the waitress? I want a whiskey this time."

"It's a good thing I drove," Xander said but didn't protest Spike's ordering of a shot. It wasn't very often that either of them indulged anymore. And it wasn't like Spike was really drunk just feeling more relaxed about things.

Raven appeared at the table with Sean behind her. They both seemed to be upset about something and whatever buzz Spike had was instantly gone. Something was wrong and it wasn't time anymore to slide into the seductive haze of the alcohol.

"Can we leave, Daddy? Now, please," Raven pleaded with trembling lips and eyes that were rapidly filling with tears.

"What's wrong? Did somebody hurt you?"

She grabbed his hand and tugged. 

"Please, just get me out of here." 

Spike did a quick scan of the room but didn't see anything amiss. He stood putting his arm around her to lead her out. Sean and Xander were right behind them. Raven buried her face in his side and he felt her body heave in sobs. A cold anger swept through him at the thought that someone had hurt his little girl and they had better be running at this point because when he found them they were going to pay. He smiled evilly as he thought of the power he now had without the chip. No one could mess with his family now.

TBC


	12. Taken Like the Wind

**Chapter 11 – Taken Like the Wind**

_October 5, 2007__ _12:50 AM__

If Raven would just tell him what or who had upset her then he might be able to forget about it like she kept telling him to. But he couldn't. Despite her protestations that she was fine and Xander's telling him to give it time, Spike was going to return to the Bronze and tear it apart until he found someone who knew something. It had been humiliating for him not to be able to protect his family before and now he could. And he would. 

Spike watched the taillights of Xander's car drive down the street and turned to follow Raven and Sean into the house. He told himself that he would give her one more chance to give him a target or he was going to go and find it himself. Maybe if he knew what had happened to her it might help but all he knew was that his little girl had cried all the way home. Someone had hurt her deeply and that didn't set well with him.

When he stepped through the back door of the house, Raven was sitting at the table with her face buried in her hands as Sean dished out a bowl of ice cream for her. Ignoring the boy Spike took a seat at the table and pulled Raven's hands away from her face.

"Tell me what is wrong. Now."

She shook her head, "No, because you won't understand."

"Did one of the men at the Bronze do something to you? The guy you were dancing with?"

She shook her head again.

"Do you want me to get Buffy so you can tell her?"

"It's not like that Daddy."

Raven pulled her hands away and dropped her head onto her arms. A fresh batch of sobs came as her shoulders shook. Sean joined them at the table putting the ice cream in the middle of the table then ran his hand down his friend's hair.

"Tell him." 

"I can't."

Spike sighed. This was getting out of hand and he was tired of the teenage histrionics. If one of the men hadn't accosted her then why was she crying so much?

"Raven, tell me why you are upset or I am heading back and I will tear the place apart until I find out the answer."

Her head flew up with such a look of horror on her face that Spike almost smiled at it.

"No, you can't. No. Don't embarrass me like that."

"Then tell me what happened." 

He carefully watched her face as she tried to decide to tell him or not. By this time he pretty much knew that it wasn't anything that he had assumed it was and just something that Raven was carrying to the extreme. Maybe not for her but it probably would be in his opinion. At this point he was thankful that he had decided to spend time with Xander and get away from Buffy and his daughter's emotionalism even if for a little while. 

"I had finished talking to the guy I had danced with and I caught up with Sean." Raven paused and looked at Sean for a moment before joining her hands with his. "And we headed over to the bathroom. And they were in the hallway kissing."

Raven started crying again and Spike had reached his patience quotient for the night.

"Who was kissing?"

"Connor and Janice were. I don't care as much when he's kissing girls I don't know but this was Janice. She knows how I feel."

It was with great effort that Spike didn't laugh. Not only in relief but because he also thought Raven was making more of a scene than was needed. His imagination had gone into overdrive and his adrenalin had been pumping for this. Raven was upset about Connor kissing a girl, no a woman, his own age.

"Go ahead. Tell me I'm stupid and that it shouldn't matter." 

Buffy's words came back to him. Telling him that Raven would need him more as the pregnancy progressed and not to alienate her. In the end he stood and leaned over to kiss Raven on the cheek.

"All I'm going to say is if Connor can't see how wonderful you are, than he's a fool." Spike said as he patted her back, "Good night."

With a wave to Sean and a mouthed 'good luck', Spike made his way toward the stairs. It had been a long day and he was tired. He hoped that Buffy was already asleep so that he wouldn't have to feel like he had to sleep on the edge of the bed. As he made his way through the living room he began to undo his shirt anxious just to fall into the softness of his side of the bed. Hopefully sleep would still come and he could forget everything that was going on in their lives even if for a few hours.

It was at the bottom of the stairs that he smelt it, sandalwood and cinnamon. He breathed deep letting the scents wash over him as they took him back to when they had burned candles during sex. Her body coated in perspiration that had taken on the scent and it had intoxicated him as he had held her close to him. Now, he figured that Buffy had been burning them just to relax or take a bath. 

At the top of the stairs he made his way to Elijah's room first to check on him but was surprised to find his bed empty. Turning he made his way toward his room, "Buffy, where's Elijah?" He asked as he opened their door and stopped. His eyes quickly glanced around the room. There had to have been twenty candles burning around the room. The fans were blowing softly across the bed and he froze when he saw Buffy. 

Swallowing he took a second glance at his wife propped up against the pillows in the middle of the bed. Her hair was loosely flowing around her shoulders while her face was heavily made up. She was wearing a short blood red gown with lace across the bodice. When she saw him she moved slightly while running her hand up her thigh pulling the gown with it until he could see that she wasn't wearing anything under it.

"I've been waiting forever for you. Thought I'd have to do this all alone," she purred as her hand slipped between her legs and languidly stroked herself.

"What's going on, Baby?" Spike asked as he finished pulling his shirt off and kicked his shoes off. "Where's Eli?" Wearing only his jeans he sat on the edge of the bed facing her.

"Our son is staying the night with his best friend. And if you don't know what's going on then it has definitely been too long. "

With a laugh she shifted again bringing one leg across his lap leaving herself open to his gaze. She sat up and kissed him softly before bringing the hand that she had touched herself with to his mouth.

"Do you want a taste?" She asked even as he began to suck on them. "Do you like that? Do you want more?"

He watched in amazement as she lay back down and opened her legs even further. Her hands ran up and down her thighs before moving across her stomach and then came to fondle her breasts. 

"Spike's been a good boy for so long that he deserves a reward," she whispered as she tweaked her nipples.

Finally he shifted so that he was leaning on one hand on the other side of her. Spike looked down at her as he brushed her hands away and fondled her soft mounds himself.

"So, what happened, Buffy? If you're only doing this to 'reward' me then I don't want it."

A part of him was telling him he was an idiot to question this. Her arousal was as heavy in the air as the scent of the candles and if he had any sense he would be inside of her already. He wouldn't take her until he knew for sure that Buffy really wanted this.

"You want it," she smiled as she cupped him through his jeans. "Why are you waiting?" 

Buffy grabbed the hand that had been softly massaging her breast and pulled it between her legs. "Feel how much I want you. How much I love you."

The temptation was too great and there hadn't been enough between them lately. Not since the afternoon in the van had he been inside of her and he wanted her too much. Spike stared down into her eyes and only saw his Buffy looking back at him with so much want in her eyes.

"Are you sure?"

When she nodded he capitulated to her. He leaned forward until he was covering her and kissed her with all the loneliness that had he had been denying. When her hands went to undo his jeans he raised up and let her free him. The jeans were shoved down his hips but he didn't wait to take them all the way off but lowered himself into her waiting heat instead.

"Let it go," she whispered to him as he started to move within her. 

Her hands softly kneaded at his shoulders as she reassured him that she could handle his pent up need. Her legs wrapped around him even as her hands ran over his back and arms. All he could think about was her, being in her again, loving her again. He felt her nails scratch at him but he reveled in her need for him and only drove them further until she exploded around him. Only a few thrusts later and he followed her. 

"Oh, God, I love you," he panted as he disentangled himself from her and finished pulling his jeans off to drop them over the side of the bed. When he lay back down he held his arms out so that Buffy could cuddle into his side.

"I love you, too." She said as her hands began to roam over his flesh again. "It's been too long since we have been together."

Her lips moved over his chest as her hand covered him and he chuckled at her touches. It seemed that his insatiable minx was back as she brought him to arousal again. Buffy straddled him and continued to kiss his chest, nipping it and suckling at his nipples while her hands caressed him before she sank down on him.

"Keep this up, Pet, and you'll be the death of me." 

For a moment she kept her eyes closed as she moved over him and found a rhythm that took his breath away.

"Just want you with me," she whispered as her hands came to rest on his shoulders and she leaned over to look into his eyes.

"Only want you, too."

Buffy sat up again and then started to rise and fall over him as her hands rested on his stomach.

She rode him, squeezing him and grinding until he came again. His hands came to her waist flipping her until she was on her back and his face was buried between her thighs. He took her to the edge then backed off only to drive her crazy again. It wasn't until she begged that he let her cry out in relief. 

When her spasms had slowed and she lay there so spent and compliant he came to lie on her again. His hands pushed her hair back from her face before he kissed her again. Their mouths and tongues stoking the blaze again while their hands rediscovered once familiar flesh. Finally he pulled back to whisper against her mouth, "again?" 

She nodded and went willingly as he positioned her on her knees this time with her hands holding onto the headboard. He loved the mewling sound she made as he entered her again and his hands flowed over her satin covered stomach and breasts before dipping between her legs. He loved taking her like this so that he could touch her and feel her as they moved together. 

"Yes, Spike, oh God, I need you."

And that was all he needed to become lost to her body again. This was the reunion he had been waiting and dreaming about and she hadn't failed him.  She gave him what he had been fantasizing about for so many nights of sleeping without her. And he wouldn't stop taking her until they were both too tired to even move.

~~~~~~~~~~

_October 5, 2007__ _5:20 AM____

It was time.

Buffy opened her eyes slowly, letting them adjust to being open, and to the dimness of the light of the candles. Her body was sticky and hot. Coated in their sweat and combined fluids. Her thighs had the remains of his seed between them. All the seed that overflowed from the times she had opened her legs and allowed him inside of her. And her body ached from the force that he had taken her with.  Her new gown was bunched around her waist so that even now her cunt was pressed against his hip so wantonly begging for his touch. She had been his whore last night. She had waited for him with her womanhood exposed. All wet and needy while she hungered for his cock to fill her. 

Just like the others.

She had warned him. And he hadn't listened.

His mistress had called last night. Hanging up when she answered. 

And she wondered how many there were that she didn't know about. In only these past few months there had been Donna and now this one.

Buffy slipped away from Spike while primly pulling her gown back down over her hips. Turning she opened his nightstand drawer and took out what she needed.

He hadn't understood. His reward was only a reminder. He should have known that she would find out. Find out that he hadn't gotten rid of the slut.

How could she have ever thought that she would be enough for him? 

She had seen all of Spike's whores. All the hundreds he had fucked; the women, the men and the children. She had felt every moment of pleasure that he had as he took them whether by force or by mutual want. 

How could she compete?

She had never been enough for any of them.  They had all left her. Eventually Spike would, too. This woman was going to destroy their family but Buffy wasn't going to give him up without a fight.

He needed to be reminded who he belonged to.

He stirred slightly at the first click. His eyes opened at the second click of the handcuffs on his wrist.

"What are you doing?" 

His voice was so innocent in sleep. Like putting handcuffs on him was something they did all the time. It was always her; always her that wore them because he wanted to make her submissive like his other whores. And she wouldn't be and that was why he was going to them. They liked the games, the pain he could inflict and could give him the pain that he liked.

But Buffy knew she could learn to give him pain. 

She slid down the bed fastening one restraint on his ankle and tying it to the bed post before moving to do the other. 

"Pet, what are we playing?" 

His voice carried just the bit of worry in it as he tested his movement and found he had none.

"Not playing," she whispered as she climbed back onto the bed. "You need to be taught a lesson." Her fingers danced across his mouth. "Scream all you want because no one will hear you. Remember the spell."

It was then that she saw a trace of fear in his eyes and she laughed.

"Why are you afraid?" she asked as her hands ran over his chest. "I told you that I wouldn't hurt you much just enough so that you remember who you belong to."

"I know who I belong to."

"Do you? Then why did she call?"

Buffy leaned over and kissed his chest then straightened up again so she could continue to look at him.

"Who called, Love?"

"Your whore. She called tonight and hung up when I answered the phone."

"Damn it, Buffy, you know that I don't know this woman. She's some fucking nutcase that won't leave me alone."

"I want you to remember."

Spike started pulling on the headboard so that it rocked under the force. 

Buffy slapped him.

"Stop," she commanded as she pulled the knife out from under her pillow.

"Shit," he exclaimed as his eyes widened as he looked at the knife in her hand as she tested the sharpness of the blade. 

Buffy looked from the knife to him then tossed it aside as she decided to make it more personal than the coldness of a blade. Her hand took a hold of his face and she leaned down toward him.

"Just let me do this and it will all be over. I claimed you once but it wasn't enough. Now, I am going to mark you."

She straddled him and laid her head down on his chest.

"Beat, beat, beat," her finger kept time to his heartbeat that she was pronouncing. "Beat, it beats so fast for me because you love me. My heart."

"It is yours, Baby. Only yours. Now let me go and I can show you how much I love you."

She giggled then sat up again.

"Showed me already. Now I show you."

She rested her hand on his chest while the other came to rest beside it. With one last glance at him her fingernail dug into the softness of his flesh and with careful precision she proceeded to carve a heart into his chest.

When she was done, she blew softly across it.

"My heart."

She slid off of him and curled into his side while pulling the comforter over them. Anyone who looked at him now would know that he was loved and wanted. And she was satisfied at what she had done. It took her only a few minutes to return to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~

_October 5, 2007__ _7:54 AM____

He had been trussed here for over two hours. There was pain from where she had carved into him like he was nothing more than a piece of wood. At first he had told himself that something was wrong. That Buffy wouldn't do that if everything was all right but the longer he had lain there the more the anger ruled out anything else. He was cramped and cold except for where she was touching him. It had been a long time since he had been in this position and wasn't used to it anymore and he wanted loose.

"Buffy, wake up," he called while he moved as much as he could against her.

"Spike," she mumbled as she started to stretch. Then she turned to look at him and her eyes opened in horror. "What happened? Spike, are you all right?"

"Yeah. I'm just fine. Now do you mind letting me loose."

She quickly moved to undo the ankle restraints and then started to rummage through the nightstand drawer.

"Where are the keys for the handcuffs?" She asked.

"Don't you know since you're the one who put me in them?"

He watched her as she started to panic and she was tossing everything out of the drawer to find them. Tears were streaming down her face but he turned away so that he wouldn't see.

"I can't find them," she whimpered.

"Fine, I'll tear the fucking bed apart."

"No, don't. Spike, please?" 

Buffy began to tear the covers off the bed to search for them then when that didn't yield them she started to pull the pillows off. One pillow was pushed to the side knocking over the lamp on the nightstand and the keys fell from the switch. 

"Here, I found them, Baby." Buffy said as she unfastened them.

Once he was free he rolled off the bed rubbing his sore wrists. Standing he stared down at her, "What the hell was that all about? You know if you want to play its fine but damn it, I was asleep and you shackled me down then you carved me like a bleedin' turkey."

"I did that?" 

He could see her swallow as she looked at her design on his chest.

"Nobody else in this room but you and me and I sure as hell didn't do it."

"Don't be mad at me. Please." 

"And what else should I be? Oh, this is great. Thanks, Buffy, for threatening me and not caring about how I'm feeling."

"You don't understand."

"Understand what?" He shouted. It was bad enough that she had done it in the first place then had fallen asleep but now all she could do was cry about it like he was supposed to feel sorry for her. He was pissed as hell at her for making the damn threats earlier about torturing him and now doing this. "What's next? Are you going to cage me in the fireplace or set the bed on fire with me in it? I told you I don't know who this fucking woman is."

It was then that he realized he was scared. Scared of whoever his stalker was and scared of his wife and her reactions. He watched Buffy stand as he was shouting and back up until she hit the wall then slid to sit on the floor. She was still crying as her eyes darted around the room.

"I don't remember."

"What don't you remember?"

"Spike, help me, please. I don't remember doing it."  Buffy wrapped her arms around her legs again and began to rock back and forth. There was fear in her eyes as he came and knelt before her.

"Buffy, don't lie to me."

"I remember last night. I wanted to be with you so much and I remember making love with you and going to sleep in your arms. I was having nightmares about her. That woman. She called last night at least I think it was her and I remember dreaming about her. She was telling me that she was going to take you away from me. And I remember wanting to make sure that you were still mine. But the rest of it is in snatches. Not whole, you know? The handcuffs, the knife, but it's like it was a dream I can't fully recall. Spike…"

When she reached her arms out to him all he could do was pull her toward him and hold her. His hands slowly stroked her as she burrowed against him seeking his comfort and protection. And that was what he had sworn to do in love for her. Protect her.

"Shh, baby, it's okay. It was just a bad dream. That's all. You were sleepwalking. I'm sorry for yelling at you like a bad man. It's okay. It's all over with." 

He buried his face in her hair and wished that it was all over with but he knew that whatever was happening was just beginning.

TBC


	13. So Proud to Live

**Chapter 12 – So Proud To Live**

_October 6, 2007__ _2:11 PM____

The warm water flowed over her hands soothing her as she rinsed the dishes from lunch. The simple chore gave Buffy reassurance that maybe everything was going to be all right after all. The house was relatively quiet for a Sunday afternoon. Raven and Sean were both with Dawn getting ready for the protest and Elijah had fallen asleep a few minutes ago. Spike was in his study going over the personal appearances that Barney wanted him to make and avoiding her. He had been since yesterday morning and last night he had pulled away from her and had slept as far away from her as possible. Not that she really blamed him after her stunt the other night.

She sighed as she tried to tell herself that it wasn't her fault. Yesterday morning when she had calmed down she had called Sara to tell her what had happened and had ended up going into her office with an emergency appointment. After talking everything out Buffy had finally admitted that she was concerned about losing Spike especially in light of what he had given up for her. All that love made her feel inadequate and she had suppressed it. This was supposed to be the happiest time in her life and she had made herself feel guilty for any hint of anything that might tarnish it. In the end her suppressed feelings, the stalker, and her new knowledge of how people in Spike's past had 'kept him in line' had come through in her sleep provoking the attack on him.

Once again she was assured that she wasn't crazy just going through things. Sara had talked to Spike and he understood what had happened but it only made him feel guilty for being angry with her.  The anger had only been revived when Buffy had insisted they have Kate look at his wound. Kate had confirmed Buffy's worries by cleaning it out and giving him tetanus shot which had only made Kate realize something. Spike had never had any immunizations because he had never needed them so now he had to get all those shots on top of this. And he was livid at her for all of it. Not that she blamed him. Not lately. Because he loved her so much it was making his life a hell.

Sighing she put the last plate in the drainer and turned to wipe her hands on a kitchen towel. It was time to make up. She knelt down and took a bag from the back of the cabinet with all the handcuffs and restraints in it that he had been throwing away and made her way to his study. Knocking softly she called out his name.

"Yeah," he called.

"May I come in?"

"Buffy?"

She opened the door and slipped inside. He was making some notes and didn't look back at her so she quietly put the bag on the desk next to him and waited. It didn't take long. His brows furrowed as he looked at it and she could see the exasperation on his face. He leaned back in his chair to look up at her and waited. 

"Did I tell you I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, about a thousand times. What are those for?"

"If it makes you feel safer at night I want you to tie me down. If I had known I would never have hurt you. Do you believe me?"

His hand encircled her wrist pulling her down onto his lap. Buffy stroked his face with her fingers as he watched her then she could see the release of emotions on his face. 

"I believe you."

She kissed him gently as his hand moved across her waist to settle on the roundness of her bottom and as she deepened the kiss he pulled her closer to him.

"I love you, Spike, so much."

"Don't. I know. It took a long time but I know. And I'm not going anywhere."

Buffy nodded relieved at his words. Maybe if she kept telling him she was sorry and he kept telling her that he wasn't going anywhere eventually they would believe it. But for right now here in the circle of his arms they were as they should be and no more words were needed.

_October 6, 2007__ _4:15 PM____

So, far everything was going great. The club outnumbered them by about twenty-five people but it was okay because they getting more attention. They had an assortment of people and demons walking their line. Clem, Josh, Janice, Connor, all six of the Chickies, and some other demons and students had shown to support their humble beginnings. In all there was almost twenty for their side. Raven and Dawn were handing out leaflets outlining what the human club wanted to do about keeping demons and other undesirables from the university. Sean was in charge of making sure that everyone kept in line and keeping an eye on the other side.

"Hey, girl, what's up?" 

Raven whirled around to find Sam there.

"Hey, you here to help?"

"Yeah, why not?" 

Raven showed him where some extra signs were and set him in line next to Connor. It was turning out to be a beautiful day after all. Connor and Janice had shown up separately and were barely speaking. She didn't ask. Just decided just to be happy for whatever blessings she could get. As she grabbed some more leaflets to hand out to passersby she noticed some people she didn't recognize coming closer to them from behind but shrugged as they took seats on a wall. As long as they were watching what difference did it make?

~~~~~~~~~~

_October 6, 2007__ _5:12 PM____

Spike couldn't remember the last time he had felt such peacefulness. After making love to his wife he was wrapped around her watching television in their living room. Such a simple thing to have his head nestled on her stomach with her arm around him but it meant so much to him. It was times like this that he had dreamed about when he had first realized he loved her and now it was his. This was one of the better things in their lives in his opinion. Just because there was no effort or pretense in moments like this only the total comfort of each other's company. 

"Mummy, Daddy?" Elijah called.

"In here," Buffy said and smiled as she listened to him thunder down the stairs toward them. It was only as he rounded the corner of the couch ready to jump that she hollered, "Whoa, don't jump."

But it was too late and he was in mid-air as Spike grabbed him with one hand and kept him from hitting his target. Buffy's stomach.

"Careful, son, can't jump on the baby."

"Torry," Elijah said as Spike gently lowered him onto his wife where Eli instantly kissed Buffy on the cheek. "Love the baby."

"I know," Buffy cooed as she cuddled her son against her. 

Spike wrapped his arm around the both of them and they settled into to watch more television. Spike flipped through the channels until he found something that was more appropriate for Eli than the movie they had been watching.  Neither Buffy nor Spike wanted this quiet interlude to end so they resigned themselves to watching 'Aladdin' for the thousandth time.

A sleepy haze had begun to take hold of all three of them when the news bulletin broke through. Spike and Buffy were instantly on alert when the university was mentioned as they announced a riot that had broken out over the two protests in the quad.

Spike was up and pulling his shoes on as Buffy struggled to stand still holding Eli to her. 

"Find them," she pleaded knowing this was one fight she couldn't be involved in.

He cradled her face in his hands. "Lock the doors and turn the alarms on. This smells of the Soldiers. Just do it." He snapped when she started to protest. "I'll be back with all of them. Okay?"

She followed Spike as he ran out of the house, locking the door behind him and setting the alarms. Their family was in the middle of the riots and she was terrified for them. She headed for the phone to call Kate and Giles to make sure that they knew what was going on. While they waited for news the telephones between the family members constantly rang as news was heard.

~~~~~~~~~~

_October 6, 2007__ _5:45 PM____

Everything was chaos. Her father had told her to always follow her instincts that they wouldn't lie to her.  But that's exactly what she had done. She had ignored the niggling feeling about the strangers sitting so close to them and now they were under attack. The strangers had slipped into their ranks and had instigated an argument with the club. Now she knew that it had been a ploy to put them at fault. So the demons could be blamed for causing problems and use it as an example that they could never integrate with humans.

People were being hurt as rocks and whatever was handy was thrown at them. She could see the Chickies struggling to get away and Josh's forehead was bleeding. Panic rose in her as she saw the police coming their way and the first tear gas bomb was thrown into their midst. Tears started to flow as she froze and then arms encircled her from behind and a shirt was tied over her face.

"I'm here for you. I will always be here for you." A masculine voice told her. "Now move your ass we need to get these people out of here."

Confidence instantly filled her and she started to search the ranks for the able bodied and yelled instructions for them to get the older women and the injured out of there. Connor picked Delores up and took her toward a building when Spike ran toward her. He took only a second to assure himself that she was okay before his eyes searched for the others.

"Dad, we need to get these people out of here."

"Sewer entrance there," he pointed.

Without waiting Raven started to instruct people where to go. She heard her father tell Dawn to go into the tunnels and lead the injured back to the house. With direction and renewed faith everyone started to withdraw heading toward the tunnel entrance while Raven, Spike and Connor held off the attackers and avoided the police at the same time. 

With one quick glance around to ensure that everyone on their side had retreated to safety, Raven jumped into the tunnel followed by her father. No one followed them and they could hear the 'club' shouting their victory that they had made the filthy demons run. Spike hugged her quickly before they headed home. 

Their living room was filled with the protestors some injured and some not. Raven quickly scanned the room to see who was there. Kate had apparently been called because she and Buffy were sorting out the injured into seriousness while Sean followed behind cleaning and bandaging wounds. Some of the injured humans like Mrs. Davis with a twisted ankle were being driven to the hospital by the Scoobies that had shown up to help. Even Sam was there staring in stupefaction at the assortment of creatures around him.

Everything was finally calming down in the wake of her first ruinous attempt at changing the world. She had thought it was going to be so easy. Tears filled her eyes and she turned to find her father still standing there and she threw herself into his arms.

"This is my fault, Daddy. I led them there and it wasn't anything like I thought."

"It rarely is, Princess, but this is what you wanted to be a Slayer for."

"Buffy does it so easily. I don't know how to lead or any of it."

He laughed softly as he hugged her tighter for a moment then pushed her away. With his hands still on her shoulders he looked down at her, "She's been doing it for almost eleven years. It took her a long time to get that comfortable in it. Understand? Don't underestimate yourself or your mission." Then he kissed her softly on the forehead.

"Excuse me."

Raven and Spike turned to find a Brachen demon waiting for their attention.

"Do you need something?" Spike asked.

"The people are getting restless," he said with a gesture toward the living room. "We are waiting for Raven to tell us where we are going from here."

Raven's eyes opened wide as she stared at the demon then slowly turned to look at Spike.

"Give her just a second." Spike said dismissing him. When he was gone he pulled Raven a little further into the hall. "This is it, Raven. They have accepted you as their leader and it's time for you to act like it. You are the Slayer."

"I don't know what to say," Raven squealed in teenage dramatics. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Lead," Buffy said behind her. She waited until Raven turned to look at her. "You started this and you will have to see it through. Tell them that you are proud of them and you appreciate their sacrifice and tell them it will continue. But they are looking to you to for assurance that they haven't put their asses on the line for nothing."  
  


"Will you two go with me?"

"No, it's time for you to pick your lieutenants and take them with you."

"Like Dad and Xander and Willow are yours?"

Buffy only nodded at Raven and then opened her arms. Raven flew into them for a hug and Spike enveloped both in his arms. They both knew that this was the last time she would truly be their little girl and they engraved this moment forever in their hearts. When Raven stepped away from them they clasped hands as she walked to the edge of the living room.

Raven looked around the room until she found Conner and nodded at him. He smiled slightly and came to join her then her eyes found Dawn, Josh, Clem and Sean. After they had gathered by her side she stepped a little further into the room, took a deep breath and stepped into her role as their leader.

~~~~~~~

_October 6, 2007__ _11:45 PM____

_._

It was finally quiet in the Blood house. The injured demons that were staying the night were scattered about the house in an attempt to give them some privacy. Kate and Buffy were in the kitchen drinking tea and trying to unwind. Everyone else had gone home and Raven was tired. Her bones ached with the physical and emotional toll of the day and with resignation she stepped out onto the front porch. She took a seat next to Connor on the steps and just let out a long slow breath as she tried to will her body to relax. 

"Thank you for earlier. I needed to get my ass in gear." She said as she turned to look at him. It felt good when he smiled at her gratitude.

"First time out, it's forgivable."

She laughed softly. "Glad you understand. I'm sorry about the cold shoulder this afternoon."

When he looked away she could have kicked herself. Things were going just fine and she had to kill it by bringing up her childish reaction to him being with Janice.

"I meant what I said when I said I would always be there for you…"

"Leave it there, please," she whispered. Her eyes locked with his and she knew that they were glowing from her emotions and she liked the look of entrancement on his face as they took in the full effect of her fairy background. "I understand."

He nodded and when she half lay across his lap he didn't protest. His hands slowly stroked her back as they contemplated the step they had taken tonight. Both steps and as she enjoyed the first touches of his hand on her body she relaxed in the knowledge that one day he would be hers. Until their time came he would be there to fight by her side, protect and guide her like he had that afternoon and be there with quiet comforting at the end of the day. And it was enough for now.

TBC


	14. Lost to You

**Chapter 13 – Lost to You **

_October 24, 2007__ _3:15 PM____

A knock sounded on the back door interrupting the chaos in the kitchen. Raven and Sean were trying to make popcorn the old fashioned way to make treats for Halloween while Spike watched in amused silence. 

"Come in," he called while his children continued to make a colossal mess with the popcorn, corn syrup and sugar.

"Hi," Tara said as she came in and her eyes widened at the experiment.

"It's for the party next week and we were making a trial run." Raven explained as she shrugged.

"I think that you're supposed to heat the syrup before you add the popcorn."

Spike laughed as the two teenagers looked at each other then at the recipe and realized their mistake.

"Get the trash can and we'll start over," Sean said.

"Hi, Tara, what are you doing here?" Spike stood and kissed the witch on the cheek.

"I'm here to spend time with Elijah. You know the meditations and powers practice." 

"Buffy hasn't come home with him yet. Maybe they stopped somewhere on the way." Spike glanced at the clock but relaxed when he realized they weren't that late yet. "Take a seat. I'm sure they'll be here soon. Would you like a drink?"

"No, I'm fine." Tara took a seat on the other side of the table from where Raven was wiping it down. "Everything's been…you know okay since earlier in the month?"

"Yeah, it has been. Nothing more than a few forgetful episodes but nothing to worry about. Sara must have been right about it being stress."

"And the stalker?"

Spike ran a finger along the edge of the table then glanced back at Sean and Raven.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be asking about this." Tara said as she followed his gaze. "So, what's up with you two?" She asked the two teenagers.

Raven launched into a monologue about the sit in they were planning at the university on Friday afternoon to dispute the suspension of the students involved in their side of the protests. The club members hadn't even been reprimanded and no one had felt it was right. Dawn and Josh had both been given academic suspension and had been unable to reverse it.  They were hoping that if they could stop the afternoon classes they might get the attention they needed so their side could be heard.

Spike only listened with half an ear as he began to worry about Buffy and his son. She had been fine for the last couple of weeks and he hadn't thought twice about letting her go alone to pick up Elijah like she always did. Nothing had really changed in their routines because other than that one incident there really hadn't been cause for concern. 

When the phone rang he felt his heart drop as he went to answer it.

"May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Blood?"

"This is Mr. Blood."

"This is Sunnydale Elementary School. Are you aware that your son hasn't been picked up yet?"

His hopes that everything might be all right were destroyed by that one question and he felt himself choking up in the powerless frustration that overcame him.

"I'm sorry my wife left to pick him up. I don't what happened. I'll be right there." When he turned around he saw the same fear he felt echoed in the eyes of the others.  "Buffy didn't pick up Elijah. I need to go."

Tara stood quickly and laid a hand on his arm. "I'll go get him while you figure out what happened to Buffy. Okay?"

He nodded as Tara grabbed her bag and hurried out the door. Spike looked around unsure of where to even start to look for his wife. Then remembering her constant lists he headed for the refrigerator to check to see if she had left something there. Sure enough there was a note that she had made to buy more bed sheets.

"I'm going to check the mall," Spike announced as he looked at his kids. He knew his voice was coming out flat and emotionless but he was locking down so he that he could stay in control of the situation instead of screaming hysterically like he wanted.

"You want us to come with you, Dad?" Sean asked and as he realized what he said he looked away from the other two hoping against hope that they hadn't heard him in the confusion.

Spike walked over to him and placed his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks for the offer but I'd appreciate it if you two would stay here in case Mum comes back or calls." It was all he could do for the boy at the moment but found himself being hugged by both of them as they sought his reassurance. "It's going to be fine."

And as he walked out to look for Buffy he prayed that he was right.

~~~~~~~~

_October 24, 2007__ _4:22 PM____

Spike didn't care about the people staring at him or even the ones he bumped into as he ran through the mall. His only thought was to find his wife as he bounded down the escalator in only three leaps. He headed toward the center of the mall where there was a large fountain and that was where he found her sitting on a bench. In the moment that he spotted her a cry of anguish threatened to erupt from the very core of his being and he knew that whatever was happening to Buffy couldn't be explained away by pregnancy or stress. Slowly he was going to lose her and if ripping his heart out would prevent it then he would do it gladly with his bare hands. But for now he blinked back his tears and made his way towards her.

Buffy hands were folded in her lap as she stared blankly into the fountain. She didn't even turn to him when he sat beside her and when he brushed her hair back away from her face she put her finger to her lips.

"Shhh, they'll know you're here."

"Who will, Love?"

Taking his face in her hand she pulled him until his chin was resting on her shoulder while she pointed with her other hand into the water.

"There they are. You're lucky they don't like other people to see them. Only me."

"Yes, there they are," Spike played along as he stared into only the waters that danced to the fountain's tune. 

"They want to tell me something."

Spike laid his head on her shoulder for a moment, "It's time to go home, Buffy."

"No, I can't go. They have a message for me."

Standing he took her hands in his and pulled her to her feet. A look of confusion crossed her face as she finally broke the stare from the water to look at him.

"Are you sure that it's all right for me to leave? The people in the water wanted to tell me something."

"I'm sure its okay for me to take you home. You do trust me don't you?"

Her hand caressed his cheek, "Of course I do. You're my Spike, my protector and the one who always finds me when I'm lost."

Kissing her quickly on the cheek he turned her toward the exit with an arm around her waist and with his free hand he picked up her purse and shopping bag. As he led her away she turned one last time to glance at the water. 

"I was so sure they wanted to tell me something. I know that it was important."

"I'm sure it was, Pet. Maybe another day they'll tell you." And as he took her home he wondered if he would be able to live up to her image of him. If this time he would be able to find her again.

~~~~~~~~

_October 24, 2007__ _7:54 PM____

Buffy was at home sleeping and Spike was huddled on the couch at Giles' house. After he had gotten her home he had immediately called both Kate and Sara who wanted to see her right away while she was still in the state of confusion. They had both examined her and they had wanted to talk to Spike first before they told her their conclusions. At this point they didn't feel she was competent to make any decisions regarding her condition.

After he had gotten her home he had laid down with her until she was asleep. Raven and Sean were under strict orders to call him as soon as she stirred and he had dropped Elijah off at Xander's on his way over. Kate sat next to him and when he glanced at her he knew that whatever was going to be said was going to be bad news.

"Spike, you need to listen to us carefully. Buffy obviously has problems and they are problems we can't fully diagnose because of the pregnancy." Kate hesitated as she looked to Sara and then to her husband. His gentle smile gave her the strength to continue and she laid a hand on Spike's arm. "From what we can ascertain it can be and is probable that it is either schizophrenia or a brain tumor of some sort." 

"You've been saying its stress or the pregnancy. Now you're saying she's gone mad or has a tumor. Gee, if we wait until tomorrow what are you going to say then?" He pulled his arm away from Kate and leaned his forearms on his legs.

"I know it's hard but like I said we can't really make a diagnosis because of the pregnancy. If it's schizophrenia we can't treat it without it hurting the baby and we can't run the tests to ascertain if it's a tumor or not."

Her words finally began to sink in leaving him with a horrible feeling of dread as Giles came to sit on the coffee table and took his hands in his.

"Son, I know it's hard. Really hard and it's killing me to say this."

"Then don't."

"At this point it may be better if the pregnancy was terminated so that we can give Buffy the best possible care."

His words were the final blow to an already fragile state of mind and Spike fell to his knees burying his face against Giles as his fear and grief took him over. The ones he had been holding onto since the night that Lorne had made his announcement. He could feel Kate lean against his back and she whispered words that made no sense to him. All he could see and hear was Buffy when she had found out she was pregnant. The joy and light that had filled her and now it might be taken away. He pulled back and his hands wiped at his face.

"What if it's mystical? If the blackness that Lorne saw is causing this?"

"What if the blackness is either mental illness or something physical? That's the thing we don't know and we can't rule everything out unless…"

"Our baby is murdered."

"Spike, no one is suggesting this lightly or even saying it is the only way." Sara spoke up as she leaned forward. "We just want you to know all the facts." She sighed before meeting the vampire's eyes. "If its schizophrenia and we wait to treat her we may never be able to get her back. And it's a tumor then she could die before we even know for sure if it is or not."

"Buffy will never go for it. She'd die for this baby."

"That's why we wanted to talk to you first," Giles said as he pulled his glasses off and began to wipe them. "If you decide that it's best to terminate and Buffy refuses then she can be declared incompetent and it can be done anyway."

"Rup, old man, you have finally lost it." Spike said as he stood. "We do that and after we get her all fixed up again she'll never talk to me again."

"But she'd be alive and healthy again."

"And what happens if we take this child from her and we lose Buffy anyway. Then I'll have lost my child and her, too."

"It's not going to be an easy decision no matter what you do but a decision is going to have to be made and soon. She has already displayed violent tendencies toward you and she may be needed to be kept from her children." Sara said.

"No, you're the one who kept saying that it was going to be all right. You're the one who said it was stress or the pregnancy and because of it she has only gotten worse." Spike yelled as he pointed at Sara then at Kate. "How can I know for sure that you're telling the truth now because no one has had a clue what the fuck is going on until now?"

"Spike…" Giles started but Kate hushed him.

"It's okay for him to be angry." She stood and took Spike's hands in hers and stared down the fury in his eyes. "We didn't want to see it. None of us did. We wanted to find excuses for her behavior and I was wrong. I know it. But take her to other doctors if it will make you feel better just know that I love you both."

"I know, Kate, I know. I'm sorry," His apology covered both women and they smiled at him as he started to pace the room. "Can we have a couple of days? I want to talk to her."

"Of course, sweetie, no one expects for this to be decided tonight."

Before he could say anything else his cell phone rang and he scrambled to answer it. Raven's frantic voice came through the line sending him into instant panic.

"Dad, she's gone."

"What do you mean she's gone?" Spike turned to look at the others in the room and they all rushed to his side.

"She came downstairs with a suitcase, went into your study for a minute, came out, kissed us good-bye and said she'd return after the baby was born."

"Shit, you couldn't stop her?"

"I tried and she left anyway. She's pregnant. I couldn't very well tackle her. Hurry, she's in the Desoto and she's only been gone a couple of minutes."

Spike headed for the front door as he hung up the phone. "Buffy knows something is up. She left and told the kids she'd be back after the baby was born. I've got to go find her."

"Hurry," Giles said. "I'll call everyone else and see if they heard from her. Keep in touch." 

But he was talking to air by then because Spike had sprinted across the lawn toward his motorcycle. As the vampire drove off Giles said a silent prayer that Spike would be able to find her before it was too late.

TBC


	15. Broken

**Chapter 14 – Broken**

_October 24, 2007__ _10:25 PM__

Spike stood next to the Desoto. He had found it in a parking lot near the freeway. It was locked up tight indicating that she had parked it here for him to find. Unfortunately it was away from the airport and bus station effectively throwing him off her trail. For over two hours he had been driving around looking for her and with each passing minute he had become more distressed. If she had another spell anything could happen to her and he might never find her. No one had heard from her or had any clue that she might run. Willow was tapping into airport and bus computers to see if she could find any clues but so far nothing. 

Hurrying he made his way from one store and restaurant to the next at the exit asking about her. Finally at a little convenience store he found a clerk who had seen her. 

"Yeah, I saw her. She got a ride with the guy who drives the truck for the milk. As far as I know he was heading to LA to reload."

"What's the name of the company he works for?" When the puny man behind the counter hesitated Spike leaned toward him. "She's my wife and I need to find her now." 

"Okay, okay, it's Dairy Blossom but I hate to tell you this." The clerk smirked. "The way she was flirting and hanging all over him she seriously wanted to get away." 

As Spike vamped out and roared his rage the man behind the counter fell backwards into the display as he begged for his life but he had already been dismissed from Spike's world. The only thing that he could think of was that Buffy was taking rides from strangers and insinuating things that in her state of mind might get her seriously hurt.

He ran back to the Desoto and climbed in leaving his motorcycle on the side of the road. While he peeled out of the parking lot his hand was already dialing his cell phone.

"Angel Investigations," Fred answered.

"Angel now."

"Spike, is that you?"

"Yeah, get me Angel. It's an emergency."

"He's not here."

"Fred, I need help. It's Buffy. Listen carefully."

"Okay, go."

"We've had some more problems with her. She got a ride on some dairy truck heading for LA to reload. Dairy Blossom. I need someone to be there when it gets in. And Fred?"

"Yeah, Spike, I got it. What else?"

"She may be dangerous."

He hung up the phone confident that his message would get to Angel. He had just hung up the phone after filling Giles in when his phone rang with Angel on.

"I'm on my way to the dairy company but what happened?"

"She's sick and the doctors are suggesting that the pregnancy…" Spike couldn't say it. "Anyway, she found out somehow and ran before we had a chance to talk."

"You said she might be violent?" 

Spike could tell in his tone that he didn't really believe him and he laughed.

"She thinks she has to protect her baby. Think about it."

"Understood. I'll call you as soon as we have her."

After he got off the phone with Angel he pushed the old car to its limits as he drove toward Los Angeles. He kept berating himself for leaving her alone with the children. Even though she had snapped out of her delusional state he should have known that she was just too agreeable about going to sleep.  Plus, he knew he shouldn't have left the responsibility of watching her on Raven and Sean. They would be tearing themselves up in guilt over her leaving and it wasn't fair to them to bear that.

The phone rang again and he was saying hello before he even got it to his ear.

"Spike, its Wes."

"Did you find her?"

"Yes, yes, we have her. Angel is with her right now."

"Is she all right?"

"Fine, as far as we can tell. Not a scratch on her but she seemed to…"  
  


"What?" Spike snarled. There was something wrong and the Englishman seemed to not to want to tell him. "Tell me."

"When we got there she was happy then when she saw us its like she collapsed within herself. She became very docile."

"Okay, I'm still about twenty minutes away." Spike hesitated then asked, "Did she…did she have sex with this guy?"

"I don't know."

"Put Angel on, he'd know."

"Spike, I would assume not. Angel was threatening this guy and I wager if he had known something like that he would have done more then threaten."

"Thanks."

Spike hung up the phone and threw it across the seat. It was a crude thing to ask but he needed to know before he got there. He knew that Buffy in her right state of mind would never do anything like that but he wasn't sure of the full extent of her mental problems and what she would do in one of her spells. Especially if she thought that it was a necessary bargaining tool or if she even forgot she was the Slayer and the guy forced her. All he knew was that if he found her and could smell someone else on her then he didn't know what he would do.

When he finally pulled up in front of the Hyperion he took a moment to calm down before going in. Buffy would retreat even further if he was in an agitated state. Then he laughed and put his head back as a sob ripped through him. He was using his memories of how he dealt with Drusilla in order to deal with Buffy. He wondered if it was just his cards to play in this existence to have crazy women in his life. More to the point, could do it again after having a sane Buffy in his life. Someone who could really share his life not just be someone he had to take care of. But he supposed that was what 'for better or worse' was really about as he made his way into the hotel. 

~~~~~~~~~

_October 25, 2007__ _12:18 AM____

With only a cursory glance at Angel, Spike stepped into the room where Buffy was lying down. He knew she wasn't asleep from the sound of her breathing. The door closed behind Angel and Spike made his way to sit on the bed with his wife. She was curled in a fetal position facing away from him and he sat facing the door. Only a few inches of space divided them but to him it felt like an ocean between them as he buried his face in his hands and tried to figure out what to say to her.

"I will never forgive you if you take my baby away from me," she told him without moving.

"You think I don't know that, Pet? Couldn't you at least have trusted me enough to talk to me before running off?"

"It's not a matter of trust. It's knowledge."

He glanced back at her before returning his stare to the door.

"Knowledge of what?"

"I know that if they had brought me back wrong then you would have hidden me away instead of letting them destroy the monster I had become. That night you thought I slept with Richard you would have killed him except for the chip. Three years ago when the First came back you would have let the world go into hell if you thought it was the only way to save me. Even when you were with Donna, if you thought that I was in danger you would have been there." Her hand moved to cover her child. "And now, I know that you would destroy this baby you never wanted to protect me."

"Is that so bad? Is it? That I love you so much that I would never let anything come before you."

"Our children need to be first. Every one of them needs to be our first priority now even this one."

"I can't make it without you." He knew there was a sob in his voice but it had always been Buffy. And he honestly didn't know if he had the strength to live without her anymore. There was a time when he could have but after being with her for all these years it was as if they were one being.

"If the only way to save me was for you to put a gun to Raven's head and shoot her. Could you do it? Or to Elijah? Or to Sean? Anymore than you could have killed Dawn all those years ago?"

"Buffy, don't ask me that. Please?"

"Then why is this baby different? I can feel the changes in my body because of this child we created from our love. Elijah communicates with him. But yet because you haven't felt it yet, you want to take him from me."

Spike stood and started to pace the room. "I never said I wanted to destroy this child. Never. So, quit assuming I do. How the hell did you even know that they were suggesting termination?"

"I wanted to ask Kate something and followed her and Sara out and overheard them talking. And I knew you would agree so I did what I had to. Why do you lie to me and say that you don't want to when you do?"

"Do you think that I am that cold and callous?"

Buffy laughed and finally turned to look at him. "I know who you are now. Remember? I know exactly what you were and who you are now. And you would if it would keep your world the way you want it."

"If I am so selfish and cruel, why are you with me?" 

She was ripping through all of his beliefs of who he was and who he wanted to be, down to the very core of his needs. And his greatest need was her. It had been her for a decade now and she was right, they could all die if it would keep her with him. She was his very reason for existing now and everyone and everything else was just extra that in the end didn't matter as much.

"Because you love me."

He laughed, "The way you make it sound its more like obsession."

"It is that, too. But it goes both ways, my love, we are so entwined that I need to know that you are always there."

Spike stepped from the shadows of the room to look down at her because he thought she was slipping away again but her eyes were the vibrant green that they were in passion. He sat on the bed again as her fingers explored the planes of his face. As he sighed in contentment from her touch, his hand was taken by hers to cover her lower belly.

"This child is destined for greatness. Even if he does nothing more than exist because it is a child born of a Slayer and a vampire into a new world of understanding. How can you even consider destroying him?" She kissed him softly then gently stroked his face with hers so that their tears would mingle. "I love this baby already. And I have no second thoughts of laying down my life or sanity for it. If there is a way to find me or bring me back then I know you will do it. Just like you did tonight. Like you always have and always will."

"I'm scared, Love," he whispered as he kissed her. His desperation and fear came through as his lips moved over hers.

"Trust us. Always trust us but you're a father now. Not just to this child but to the three at home. They are precious gifts given to us and we need to put them before us." Buffy cradled his face in her hands. "Promise me that you will let this child live and if it means letting me go then you'll let me go."

"And if I don't?"

"You already know," she whispered as she laid her hand over the heart she had carved into him.

Fear coursed through him and he knew that for her children she would destroy him. His eyes studied her face as he contemplated her words and in the end he nodded his head. "I promise." It wasn't a decision made from fear or desperation because he knew she was right. It was a decision made in the knowledge that if she in one of her spells attacked Elijah then he would protect Eli before her. Their children had to come first whether already there or still nestled in her womb. "I promise, Buffy, that I will put our children first. All of them but it doesn't mean I'm giving up on you."

"Asshole," she said as she smiled. "You had better not give up on me." Then she grew sober again. "As long as I have your promise that you won't take this child from me, I'm going to trust you enough to come home. I know your promises are sacred to you."

"I love you, Baby, no matter what."

She pulled him down onto the bed with her and curled him against her. "It's going to be okay. We have faced too much to let this separate us. Understand?"

He shifted so they were facing each other and his hands slowly traversed her body as he gazed into the depths of those eyes he loved. They shone clear and bright and filled with love for him. When her lips parted as her breath picked up he smiled. There wasn't a moment that he was going to waste with her until this was over. He refused to believe that the fates would be so cruel to take her from him forever and he decided that he would continue to fight for her and for them until he had no choice in the matter.

~~~~~~~~

_October 25, 2007__ _1:14 AM____

Spike moved down the stairs of the Hyperion in search of some sustenance. He knew that Angel used to keep some blood in a small refrigerator behind the counter and hoped that he still did. As he rounded the corner he saw that the office light was still on. His first priority was finding blood though and after locating some and heating it, he made his way into the office.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey Spike," Fred said as she vacated a chair and gestured him into it. 

The other occupants of the room were Angel and Wes and he knew they wanted an explanation for the evening's events.  As he took a seat he smiled wanly at Fred, "So, how's Max?"

Fred's face lit up, "He's fine. Still in Tennessee," then when she saw the smirk on Spike's face she realized that he was teasing her. "That wasn't nice."

"Just protecting my friend." With a sigh he leaned back in the chair and took a long swig of his drink. His gaze drifted from one friend of his to the other. "She's finally asleep. It's been a long day and she's exhausted. Hope it's okay if we spend the night."

"You know it is." Angel replied. "We talked to Giles and let him know that the two of you are here. He said to tell you that Elijah is still at Xander's and Raven and Sean are at his house."

"Thanks, that was next on my things to do."

"He also told us what happened today."

"Good. Didn't really want to go over the grisly details again." Spike blinked back tears that he thought was dried up by now. "She made me promise that I wouldn't hurt the baby. It's the only way that I know that she would go home with me and won't try to run again."

"Do you mean it?" Wesley asked. 

"Of course, I do. For her." He noticed the glance that occurred between Angel and Wesley at his pronouncement and fear curled in his belly again. "Have you two come up with something?"

"It's a theory. Only a theory." Wesley said. "When Darla was pregnant with Connor she shared his soul giving her a touch of humanity."

"And what does that have to do with Buffy?"

"Spike, if this child was conceived while you were still a vampire then maybe it was conceived without a…soul."

"That's impossible. Buffy's human and I have a soul."

Fred looked quickly at Wes and Angel before turning back to Spike. "Spike, you're soul was forced into your body. It wasn't there naturally."

"Angel and Darla didn't have a soul." Spike said and then laughed sardonically. "Sorry, forgot, Angel is special. Of course his kid would be different." He looked away from the others in the room then sighed. "I'm sorry. Okay, my baby is a soulless demon what does that have to do with Buffy's state."

Wesley took over again. "Darla was influenced by Connor's soul and if this baby doesn't have one then it could be influencing Buffy the same way. Or slowly taking over hers and when it is born that is why Lorne saw Buffy disappear. It will leave her without a soul thus making Buffy nothing more than a hollow shell after she has given birth."

TBC


	16. Necessary Evils

**Chapter 15 – Necessary Evils**

_October 27, 2007__ _10:25 AM____

The atmosphere was ominous in the Blood's kitchen as the various parties took seats around the table. Buffy and Spike sat holding hands facing Xander and Willow while on either end of the table sat Morgana and her assistant.

"So, what's up with you two?" Willow asked. "Asking us over on a Saturday morning is usually not a good sign."

"Especially with your lawyer here," Xander chimed in as he looked around the table.

"I need a favor guys," Buffy said as she leaned forward on her arms with the one hand still clasping Spike's. "You both know what's been going on with me and the baby. After Spike and I talked we agreed that the baby's welfare should come before mine. That whatever was necessary to keep the baby safe is what we would do."

"Okay and what does that have to with us?" Xander asked.

"If I may explain," Morgana said and after receiving a nod from Buffy turned her attention to their friends. "Spike and Buffy have already signed papers making him her power of attorney if she should become incapacitated whether mentally or physically and in that agreement is that the baby would come first in all cases." She paused and took a deep breath. "If it would be physical and Buffy would become brain dead then her body would be kept on life support until the child was mature enough to live on its own outside of the womb."

"Buffy just becomes an incubator?" Willow asked as her brows furrowed and her eyes darted around the table.

"Will, we're hoping it doesn't come to that. It's just in case of."

"And like I said before what does this have to do with us?" 

"If something should happen to me then one of you would become the power of attorney." Spike said.

"No, that's ridiculous, Buf." Xander said. "Spike is this really what you want?"

Spike couldn't answer. Ever since they had come home all he could think about was that he was probably going to lose her. There was no part of him that could accept that. Not now. Not after everything they had been through together and every moment made him regret his decision a little more.

"Can't you see how selfish this is? Spike doesn't want this."

"He agreed and if he doesn't want it, then he should say so," Buffy replied.

Fear slithered through Xander as he thought about the implications of what was being discussed. He inhaled deeply, trying to gain control over his emotions before he spoke and was only halfway successful. "No, because he's afraid of hurting you. Aren't you forgetting about the responsibilities you already have? The children that are here? Your husband and friends and family. You're just going to throw it all away for a baby that isn't born yet." 

"It's my baby." Buffy shouted. Spike reached for her but she shook him off. "And it's my life. Why can't I choose what I want to sacrifice? No, it always has to be dictated to me. You decided that I had to kill Angel." Her fury turned to Willow, "You decided that I couldn't stay in heaven. And now you're telling me that I have to sacrifice my child for the lot of you. I'm sorry but I won't."

"What if it's a demon like Wesley thinks? What if you destroy yourself for it and then we have to destroy whatever comes out of you?"

"Stop, please." Willow pleaded as she watched her friends become angrier by the moment. "Can't we talk about this?"

"No, we can't talk about it. It's my child. What if it was Aidan or Jessy or Jacob? Could you destroy your child?" Buffy cried as the tears fell down her cheeks. She had thought if anyone would stand by her choice it would be her oldest friends. Her defenses were being battered as she wrapped her arms around her. Even Spike now seemed distant from her.

"They are already here," Xander said softer this time. "Buffy, I don't want to hurt you but it's not right that the rest of your family lose you for…"

"A baby that was conceived in love."

"Spike, tell me what you want. If you can tell me that you stand behind this decision one hundred percent I'll sign."

There was a moment of strained silence as they waited for the vampire to speak. He was battling his own tears when he finally lifted his head. "I can't. I wish I could but I can't. I'm just so confused." He knew that he had betrayed her and hurt her with his words as he buried his face in his hands and tried to hide from what was happening.

"You've already signed the papers." Morgana stated. "Buffy, I'll help you if they try to force this. I can tie it up in court long enough for the child to survive."

"No, it's not necessary." Buffy said as she pulled Spike against her and kissed the top of his head as her hands ran up and down his back. "Make the arrangements then. I can't fight everyone." Her eyes closed in resignation as Spike sat back up.

"What are you saying, Love?"

"Tell me where and when to be and we'll…" she stopped for a moment as a sob engulfed her, "terminate the pregnancy."

The door to the kitchen opened and Raven, followed by Elijah and Sean, came in making it obvious they had been eavesdropping on the meeting.

"Since they get to decide the fate of our younger sibling, do we at least get a say so?" Raven asked. "Because I think I can already answer the question of whether or not this child is good or some evil monster."

"How?" Willow asked.

"When are you people going to start remembering Elijah?" She scoffed. "When he first knew of the pregnancy he didn't feel anything evil or bad, all he felt was good. So, I can't see how this child could be hurting anyone."

There was silence as everyone contemplated Raven's words. It was too much to hope for that it could be explained so easily with Elijah's empathic abilities. The adults looked at one another because they knew if Buffy's soul was being shared then the goodness of hers would be within the babe also. Eli sensed things from the babe when he spoke to it but that still couldn't give them anything definite on which to make this decision. It would still have to come from how much they wanted to trust and how much they wanted to hope that things would end up all right.

"Raven, that may be true but there is so much more going on that the decision isn't based on just that." Willow explained.

"Well, we had our own meeting and we decided that we would rather fight for this child instead of taking the easy way out."

"Thank you," Buffy said as she smiled at them. "But Xander is right. There is so much going on and it has to be mine and Spike's decision to make as to what is best and I think we need to talk again."

Buffy glanced at her friends to make sure they understood that the final choice would be made by her and her husband. Not anyone else.

"That's fine." Xander said nodding his head. "If both of you are totally behind the decision I'll agree and support you but not when I can see it is so divided."

"Me too."

Spike stood, "I need to think by myself. I'll be back later." He looked at Buffy to wait for an okay from her before moving. When she nodded he kissed her quickly, thanked the others for coming before heading out the door. Since he had found Buffy in the mall, Spike felt like he had been going from one emotional torment to another without a break. And now he just wanted some time away and see that the world was still turning.

Eventually he ended up at the Edge with a whiskey in his hand. The sharp flavor of the liquid as his throat burned made him feel like he was still Spike. Time had taken its toll on them all. They had all changed from who they were when he first was with Buffy. It didn't seem real that he was married and had kids with another on the way but it was natural progression wasn't it? You fell in love, got married and had kids. The grand passionate love he used to believe in was now a warm glowing fire that was safe and real. Was he really happier in those five years when the days seemed the same with the same fights, the same sex and the same apocalypses? Or was life more now with the confusion, the noise, lack of privacy, and sex that was appreciated more because there was less of it?

He loved Buffy. Had for a long time and he always would. Finally she had what she had always wanted--a somewhat normal life. Even in that were still the demons, the evil that somehow always wanted the world to end or be swallowed by their blackness, the knowledge of what they had done, and what they had fought. Their nightmares would always be tainted by what they had seen and the sun would be appreciated more for casting out the darkness. 

It was always her in the end. The hard steel of her body covered by the sweetest, softest flesh he had ever felt. It was those eyes that could light up his world or tear his heart from his body. In the first pact they had ever made over Angel they had both taken a new path that led them here to this place and time. Good or bad it was theirs. Created by a love that was never meant to be and two battle weary hearts looking for a place to be safe and she was home to him now. There were no regrets. Things he wished had gone differently but then he didn't. The fighting, the bruises, the blood, the passion, the trust, were all things that had forged them together and as the man had said let no one pull asunder. He couldn't and wouldn't give up on her or her dreams. And that child that was creating so much turmoil and hurt was the culmination of her dreams that had taken seed that rainy morning in the cemetery when they had first made vows to each other. The ones they had held onto through everything. This child was proof that they were right in spite of every person that had tried to pull them apart. Even hell and heaven couldn't separate them and this summer when they had both been willing to give up their lives for the other they had finally crossed to the other side.

To the side of no return. 

And if he let the doubts of those people who hadn't believed they could get this far influence them now then they had lost. 

And he wasn't ready to give up yet. Not on him. Not on her. Not on Raven, Elijah and Sean. Not on the family they had created from friends. And not on this baby.

If they gave up then he could see the beginning of an unraveling that would tear their whole world down and he knew that he would walk through the very bowels of hell before he would allow that to happen.

He was Spike and if nothing else then he believed in love and his promises. And it was time to make some new ones.

~~~~~~~~

_October 27, 2007__ _6:45 PM____

He smiled at the pizza boxes on the table and was glad that she hadn't bothered to cook tonight. Before he walked into the living room where he could hear his family he took a deep breath and told himself that this was for the best. There had been nothing they couldn't defeat before and it wasn't going to start now. He pushed the door open and stepped into the living room. Buffy and Elijah were curled together on the couch with her head resting on Raven's lap and he smiled again as he remembered that only a couple of months ago Raven wouldn't have been so close to Buffy if her life depended on it. And that only made him more resolved that all things could change no matter how dismal it may appear. 

Sean was in his chair and as he started to stand to allow Spike to sit, Spike ran hand down the back of his head and told him to stay. Instead he took a seat at the end of the couch pulling Buffy's feet onto his lap and slowly started to massage them. The strained silence was for him to break. They were waiting to hear his pronouncement. He waited until a commercial came on before reaching out for the remote that Raven was wielding with all the power she could. Reluctantly she handed it to him and as he muted it everyone's attention turned toward him.

"Where have you been?" Buffy asked.

"Out and about. Went to the Edge for awhile." And as she looked at him curiously, "Only had one, Baby. I needed to think not drown."

She nodded and sat up still holding Elijah to her almost as if he was a shield that could protect her from any more hurt.

"My family made a decision this morning," Spike said. "A decision that I now agree with. We fight for Buffy, and the baby and this family."

Buffy beamed her happiness at him as the kids clapped and whistled. Spike reached out to pull her toward him, settling both her and their son against him.

"And with this decision there is going to be some changes around here."

"Such as," Raven asked suspiciously. She would do anything that had to be done for this family but she wanted a choice in it.

"From now until this baby is born the only thing I want Buffy to be concerned about is her happiness and health." He kissed her temple. "Destroy your lists. Me and the kids will do everything. I told you that I wasn't going to write for awhile and I'm not. I only have to do those appearances that were in the contract but other than that I'm here. Do you understand?"

Buffy nodded as she relaxed against him. "I won't know what to do with myself but it sounds good to me."

"You two okay with it?" Spike asked as he looked at Sean and Raven.

They both nodded enthusiastically.

"Okay, then Operation Safe Baby has started," Spike said as he turned the volume back up. He never thought he would become Mr. Mom but if it would keep his family intact and Buffy safe he was game to try. As he settled back into the couch he watched his family relax around him. If anything would see Buffy through safely it would be the love of her family and that was something that wasn't in short supply. Not around there anyway.

TBC  
  



	17. Halloween Pranks

**Chapter 16 – Halloween Pranks**

_October 31, 2007__ _11:15 AM____

They lay together in the morning light that stretched lazily across the floor of their bedroom. Spike was pressed against her body while her fingers idly played through his blonde locks. Buffy stared out the window, letting the memories of these past few days drift through her conscious.

It hadn't been easy to turn control over to her family. As far as she was concerned caring for them and the house was her responsibility, and her duty as the loving wife and mother, but they wouldn't let her lift a finger and after a few meager protests she had relinquished her control. In only this short time, she now felt more rested and lazy than she had felt since she had been chosen. 

The first day, Sunday, had been a disaster because none of them had any idea of the full scope of what she really did and even if it didn't look like she was on a schedule she had been. Elijah had woken her from a nap at two in the afternoon and asked if she could break the rules and help him fix lunch. The others, Spike in his study, and Sean and Raven in her room, hadn't gotten hungry yet and none of them had thought of the youngest member of the house that was forbidden to try and cook. Buffy after ascertaining where everyone was, and while holding Eli's hand, had stood at the bottom of the stairs and proved to anyone within earshot that she was Dawn's older sister by giving out a screech that probably woke the first few rows of the dead outside their backyard. When the others had run to find out what was the matter she had turned Elijah over to them and returned to her nap.

Sean had been the one to rescue the house and its humble members from total ruin by fashioning a spreadsheet of duties and responsibilities after interviewing the only one who had any clue exactly what it took to keep them all alive and healthy. Although they had all contributed by doing chores and such, none of them fully understood, what it was to run a household of that size and copies of this spreadsheet were now posted all over the house as Buffy returned to her retirement.

Boredom had been chased away when Spike had returned from a trip to the mall with every current magazine, best seller (excluding his own), and book on pregnancy and birth that was available. She had laughed gently at him and said if she read all that then she would probably still be reading by the time the baby was in college. But she had appreciated it, as she did all their efforts to keep her safe and happy. All of them allowed her to choose what she wanted to do and only came to her with small requests, mostly of time or token gestures, to make sure she knew she was still needed.

Time with Spike had taken on new meaning in these last few days, too. The period of not wanting to touch him had reversed itself with a vengeance with a need for reassurance that their love was stronger than anything else. Their physical desire rivaled that of when she had come back from Dallas and they couldn't even pass in the hallway without giving even a minute caress or lingering look of a soon-to-pass rendezvous. The only way either of them was happy in these days was if they were naked and wrapped around each other as they were now and even more preferable was if he was inside of her.

 And for the past few nights that was how they went to sleep, still joined as if the connection could ward off any evil force that would try to separate them. She just last night had teasingly whispered in his ear, "No demon or hell god would dare attempt to defeat your penis in a battle to possess my body because you leave no room for entry." Which had only swelled him to epic proportions again and sleep had been chased away in their need for the other.

And in his attempts to care for her and everything in their lives plus valiant efforts to discover what was happening to her, Spike had found very little time to sleep. In his almost human state it was already beginning to catch up with him and there were blue smudges beneath his eyes marring the perfection of his face and when she had woken this morning she had let him sleep.

The children had protested her entry in her kitchen again but she had smiled and said, "It's what makes me happy". Besides this was their first Halloween together, their first somewhat major holiday, and she wanted to be there. To make sure that Elijah had his cookies for the class party and that Raven and Sean had the treats they had prepared for their own class celebrations. She had driven them to school, so the moment could linger a little longer, and they could plot strategy for their trick-or-treating activities for later and the small family party planned afterwards. The warm glowing feeling couldn't even be chased away when she had come home and found Raven had called her father to let him know what Buffy had done. 

As she had come back through their bedroom door and found him waiting for her, she had decided that this constant hovering over her shoulder wouldn't be gone until the baby was born, and that she wouldn't let it bother her. While those cerulean eyes watched her, she had quickly stripped to nothing again, and flew into his waiting arms. It was then that she had whispered of what she had wanted to give him. It was a decision born in the middle of the night when everything was clearer and more serious than in the dancing light of day.

Things in this time of inactivity had become more lucid and she had realized that in the next few months that literally, her mind, her body and her very life would lie in the hands of the one she called husband and she knew that she had to make a sacrifice on the altar of trust. To prove that she had no doubts that he would make the decisions necessary with reverence toward her and the love they shared. 

So, to honor this trust she offered the last vestige of purity that her body still had to him. Unsure of her motives at first he had refused but once realizing that it was an act of bonding to take away the last barrier between them, he had finally accepted. He had taken her final virginity with a patience and gentleness that had left her humbled by his love. And in the aftermath they had both lain weeping and trembling as they held each other. 

This was something that no other man had come before him in and she knew she had broken him once again by the knowledge that she could love a creature such as him. She had comforted him when it was over as they knew that there was nothing that had been unshared between them. Their bodies and their blood and their very souls had been mingled until there wasn't a part of them that hadn't been tainted by the touch of the other.

Wherever there was one there were now the impressions of the other upon them and she could now finally relinquish control to the fates with no doubts. If even the form that she now had would be lost, inside of Spike there would always be pieces of Buffy that could never vanish, and she knew that as long as he was there so was she.

So, now, she waited for him to waken again, time was short and she wanted to play some more before the children returned from school and the house became busy with activities. 

"Spike," she whispered as she kissed him amongst the curls that were now riotously twisted around her fingers.

"Umm?"

He shifted again as he stirred to life against her leg and Buffy tired of waiting, rolled them until she was straddling him, and his hands moved almost of their own accord to her hips to steady them in a protective gesture. Her lips moved across his as she brought him from the cradle of sleep and back to her.

"I want to take a bubble bath. Do you want to join me?"

"Yeah," he mumbled as her tongue swept through his mouth almost choking him in her demand for occupancy.

"Carry me," she giggled deciding she wanted to play helpless invalid to his masculine nursing skills and he didn't fail her as he swept her up and took her to the bathroom. 

After much deliberation on the variety of bath products and seeing that it was Halloween, apple scented bubble bath was liberally mixed with the water before they climbed in. They settled across from each other, their toes languidly caressing the other's bottom or hips or in his case his foot settled between her legs so that he could play amongst her curls while she smiled seductively at him.

For awhile neither spoke but it was finally, Spike who ventured them back into the world of reality and away from the dreamy like quality of their morning.

"What was Eli talking about to the baby last night? You said he communicates with him, what do they talk about?"

"Last night he was talking about Halloween and all the plans we have." She sighed softly, "I've asked him if the baby says anything back to him but he tells me that's silly because the baby can't talk yet. He says he knows if the baby is happy or sad though."

Spike didn't ask it but she already knew what the question was.

"Still nothing about the baby being bad or anything," Buffy said quietly. "He says sometimes he feels like I am not all there but it's like a light that is getting dimmer."

She shrugged and they let it drop again. They were back to waiting again; waiting for a new clue or a new incident or for someone to find something that hadn't already been explored. Wesley and Fred were still looking into the soul sharing theory while here their friends and family were divided into physical cause's research and mystical cause's research. But in the Blood household they were into living as much as possible in as short of time as possible in case there was no more time left to them.

Spike opened his arms and Buffy moved through the water until she was lying with her head on his chest and his arms closed in a vice around her. This time she let the warmth of his body and the heat of the water lure her into a short nap. Once they left the embryonic confines of the tub, the day would only be busy and she wanted these few moments of having him to herself before it was time to share again.

~~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _3:25 PM____

He watched from his reclining position on the bed as Buffy and Elijah discussed his costume. She was making the last alterations before the big event of trick-or-treating. Eli was chattering about his day at school and the party they had. He told them smugly that he had gotten awe struck silence when he announced he lived on cemetery grounds. 

His parents laughed as Buffy freed him so she could do the actual sewing. The child immediately ran to his father and bounced on his stomach.

"Hey, and did you tell them that you lived in the house where they used to hold funerals," Raven teased from the doorway.

"They did?" 

Eli's eyes had grown wide in the thought that dead people might have once been in the house where he lived.

"Don't tell him things like that?" Buffy scolded. "He'll have nightmares."

"Reality in this place will give him nightmares anyway," Raven said as she plunked down on the bed next to her father. Sean finally moved into the room and took a seat at the edge with his feet hanging over the footboard.

"So, what are you being tonight?" Sean asked. "You've kept it a secret from us."

Elijah laughed, "I'm a vampire. Like Daddy. I'm Dracula."

"Dracula's not real," Raven scoffed.

"Well, he was until your Mum finished him off," Spike stated slyly.

Buffy gave him a dirty look but he was enjoying the stunned faces of their children as they all turned to stare at his wife.

"Seriously?" Raven asked.

"Yep, she dusted him. But that was after she let him bite her." Spike turned to look at her but she was trying to concentrate on her task and avoid the conversation around her. "Show them the mark, honey."

"Stop it, Spike."

"You killed Dracula. Whoa, Mum, that has got to be in the Slayer's hall of fame." Raven said.

"Where were you?" Elijah asked. "Did you help Mummy?"

"No, I wasn't around. Mummy was dating the little Soldier boy then."

"Jealous much, Dad?" Sean finally chipped in. Since he realized that it was all right for him to call them Dad and Mum, he hardly ever talked to them without using these titles. It was a way to remind himself that he was now secure.

"Oh, why don't you ask him who he was dating that year?" Buffy raised her head with her eyes dancing in mischief. "His choice was a lot more…pathetic that year."

"Who?" Raven asked.

"Harm? Yeah, she was pathetic." Spike said to Buffy before turning back to the inquisitive gazes of his children. "Old schoolmate of your Mum's who was turned on Graduation Day. A real bimbo."

"Actually that wasn't who I was referring to." Buffy interrupted.

Their eyes met and as Spike broke the connection with pain clouding his face, Buffy stood and came to sit beside him on the bed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she kissed him on the cheek. "That was a low blow."

"It's okay." He glanced back up with a slight smile. "Make fun of my desperate need for you."

"What are you two talking about?" Raven asked.

"Nothing," Buffy said. "It was just the year that I wasted running from your father."

Before the conversation could go any further the doorbell rang and Raven and Sean ran to see who could answer it first.  

"Dad," Raven called. "We need you down here."

Spike followed by Buffy and Eli ran down the stairs to find a delivery man standing at their door.

"You Mr. Blood?"

"Yeah."

"I've got a delivery for you. Will you sign here?"

"Who's it from?"

The man shrugged his shoulder. "It's listed as anonymous as to the sender. The package is coming from someplace in Chattanooga, Tennessee." 

Everyone froze when they heard the state of origin.

"Can I refuse it?"

"Uh, I guess you could but it's alive and I don't know how long it would sit or what would happen to it back at the airport."

"It's alive. What is it?" Raven asked.

The delivery man returned to his truck and brought back an animal carrier and put it down on the porch. Spike motioned his family back as he went to inspect it. Inside the carrier was a small, whining puppy that started to scratch at the door when it realized someone was looking at her.  When everyone else heard the sound, they rushed over to check it out. Raven opened the door and as the puppy came bounding out, overjoyed to be free, everyone cooed as they began to play with her.

"I guess you won't be returning it then?" The man held his clipboard out and Spike reluctantly signed for the animal. 

A package was handed to him before the delivery man bounded away leaving Spike with a new addition to his family. He emptied out the package and found papers for the puppy and a small card. He slit the envelope and pulled the card out. A shiver ran down his spine as read the note. "She is especially for you. A small orphan that needs a home. I hope she cheers you up."

"What is it?" Buffy asked. "Is it from that…from her?"

"Not who you think. It sounds like it's from Drusilla."

His gaze returned to the puppy playing with his children and realized that the small animal resembled Sunshine, the puppy that Drusilla had once brought to him when he was an invalid. Leaving his wife confused, Spike headed into the house to make a phone call. His first call was to Angel and he lamented the fact that he had called his Grand-Sire more in the past month than he had in years. 

When Angel answered the phone, Spike immediately told him that everything was fine but wanted to check on Drusilla.

"Why?"

"Because a puppy was just delivered from an anonymous sender and it looks like that wretched animal that Dru brought to me that time I was in the wheelchair." 

"What puppy?"

"The one we ate one night as a snack and she cried about it because we had taken away her sunshine."

Angel laughed, "Oh, God, I remember now. You think Dru sent this dog to you?"

Spike read the note to him and told him that was pretty much what Dru had said when she brought the dog.

"You remember that?"

"I'm not the one with two personalities. It's easier for me to remember these things."

Angel ignored the dig with a moment of silence. "Drusilla is still secure. I talked to them only a couple of days ago. Besides do you really think that she would go and purchase a puppy and arrange to have it delivered to your home? Her modum operandi would be more likely to come to Sunnydale, kill an owner, steal the dog and leave it tied up on your porch."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. It just was like seeing her again."

"I know." Angel agreed. "What are you going to do with the beast anyway?"

"The puppy? It's a Shih Tzu from the paperwork," Spike replied absently as he sorted through papers that had come with the animal. "I don't know I guess we are keeping it. The kids and Buffy are in the kitchen trying to feed it something."

Angel started laughing and apparently couldn't stop.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Spike heard the phone drop as Angel continued to laugh. 

"What the hell is going on?" Cordy asked as she picked up the phone.

Spike heard Angel say in the background through his laughter, "Spike has a dog now."

"You have a dog now?"

"Yes, we have a dog now." Spike ground out.

"I can't believe it. What's next? Sweater vests and a pipe? Spike, you need to stop watching those old shows." Cordy joked.

"You know it's really too bad that you feel that way. I ordered those sweaters. Two of every color."

Spike said and then hung up the phone. It was times like this that made him wonder why he was even trying to have a truce with them because it never really changed this game they played.

"Hey," Buffy said from where she was leaning on the doorjamb. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Spike replied while he ran a hand over his face. "I'm going to call the police and then Max. Have him check into it too. I don't think anyone is going to look into it on that end. Maybe his connections can help us out."

She nodded.

"Hurry. The kids and I are going to start getting things ready."  
  
"I will, Baby."

He watched as she turned and left him. It was surprising that this time she was taking another 'gift' so well after the bloodlust of the last time. Maybe whatever lingering doubts had been lost in the new level of trust she was giving him or maybe because the puppy was just too minor of a thing in the wake of everything else. Spike sighed and reached for the phone. It was time to get business out of the way so he could return to the family festivities that were planned.

TBC


	18. Tricks and Treats

**Chapter 17 – Tricks and Treats**

_October 31, 2007__ _5:15 PM____

Chaos was once again the ruling king of the Blood household. It was filled to capacity as the family arrived in droves to celebrate the holiday. Raven and Sean were both in costume already, playing to their heritage as a fairy and brownie, allowing them to feel in the spirit yet be themselves. Aidan and Elijah were having their makeup applied by the two teens. Aidan had chosen to go as a clown, giving his father the shudders every time he looked at him while Jessy had chosen to go as Snow White thus relieving them of any heavy make up to prepare her. Benjamin was in a Winnie-the-Pooh suit while Jacob was dressed as Eyeore. 

Spike leaned back against the counter surveying the room filled with their family as everyone chattered and Xander was beside him marinating steaks for the adults and making hamburgers for the kids. His eyes briefly settled on his wife, dressed in a long denim skirt and a red thermal shirt, her face devoid of makeup and her hair pulled into a pony tail and decided that she looked more beautiful than the day he had met her. 

She was busy talking to Tara and Willow when the back door opened and Dawn and Josh came bursting into the room. Apparently Josh had been chasing her as he reached out and pulled her back against him. His reason was the huge bag of candy that she was carrying and when Giles hollered at them to settle down, they immediately apologized and looked chagrined. And in the midst of all this, the new puppy, now dubbed Candy Corn, was running from one pair of shoes to the other looking for attention. Spike had told the kids that Candy Corn sounded like the animal should be in adult films to him but they had ignored him and the poor mutt would forever be a porn star to him.

Raven and the Scoobettes, as the younger Scoobies were now called, had volunteered to take the children trick-or-treating, to give their parents a break but Anya, Willow and Tara were going along just so they could be involved. Benjamin still too young for going out was now relaxing in a swing in the corner of the kitchen while his parents sat at the table. 

Buffy had decided to stay at home but followed the crowd down to the end of the driveway to watch them on their way. She smiled as Elijah walked happily holding onto Raven's and Connor's hands while they went to their first house. Sean walked with Aidan while Jessy hung back with the women. 

As she turned to make her way back to the house, Clem's car pulled into the driveway beside her.

"Hi, Buffy, how are you?"

"Doing good, Clem. You still going to pass out the candy?"

"Yep, that's why I am here. Your own personal demon to scare the kiddies." 

They both laughed as she waited for him to park the car so they could walk into the house together. Buffy hadn't realized how much she had counted on the demon until he was no longer living in their house. The growing family was just too much for their friend and when Connor had needed a roommate it had seemed like an ideal situation. She also knew that the house held memories of Faith and it still hurt him to think of the Slayer. 

"I miss you," Buffy confided. "It seems like college days when I think of the three of us sharing space."

"I miss you guys, too," Clem said as he wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulder.

They climbed the back steps and into the kitchen. Clem's eyes grew wide when he saw Candy skid across the floor to check out the newcomers. As the puppy sniffed at him then barked, the demons eyes fell in disappointment. 

"Gee, I thought you had a kitten for me as a treat." 

"I don't think my kids would like you munching on their pet." Spike said.

Clem shook his head as he stared at his old friend. "You used to be such a demon now you're hardly recognizable."

The room was silent for a moment as Spike chose to ignore the comment. His eyes immediately sought his wife for everything to be put back into perspective for him and found her gazing at him in a questioning stare.

"But I'm a happy man," he stated to answer both Clem and Buffy.  

With only a nod to acknowledge his friend's comment, the demon turned his attention to Dawn and Josh sitting at the table with Kate and Giles.

"So, I heard you two got back into class with the little demonstration you all pulled." 

"Yeah, we did." Dawn answered. "There was enough attention that they had to reinstate us or suspend everyone from the club so it was reinstating us that won."

"I think the soldiers have pull with the dean or something." Josh said. "Either that or someone in charge is a soldier." 

"Probably the latter," Giles commented.

The others nodded their head in agreement but before further any conversation could take place the phone rang. Spike answered it, told the person to hold on, and then let everyone know that Max had called him back and he would be in his study for a few minutes. They watched as Spike left the room and a moment later Buffy pulled Kate upstairs with her for a few minutes to ask her some personal questions concerning her pregnancy.

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _6:05 PM____

Spike leaned forward on his elbows while Max reassured him that he would have the puppy's breeder checked out and see if they could garner any information to help with finding the stalker. So, far Max was about the only one who didn't find the new addition to the household amusing. He actually thought that it would be good for the children to have the animal around.

Spike turned his head slightly when he heard someone step into his study, his eyes opening wide when he saw that it was Dawn, and a sick feeling settled in his stomach as she started to close the door behind her. When their eyes met she looked nervous and stopped the door before it completely closed. While he finished his conversation with Max she wandered restlessly around the room and then stopped when she heard the phone clicking off.

"Hi," she said softly.

"Hey, what's up?" He answered as he leaned back in his chair, throwing his feet up on the corner of the desk. Hopefully, she would take this as him not welcoming any alone time with her just yet and that she would keep her distance.

"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be in here but I just wanted to ask about Buffy."

She danced around a little and then her hands slipped into her back pockets as if to keep them from doing something that she would regret and he relaxed a little. Conversation about Buffy was feasible and definitely welcome if it meant that Dawn was going to help.

"She's doing okay for now. No more incidents since the mall and she's been relaxing, too." Hoping it wouldn't sound wrong, he added, "Dawn, it would be good if you could be around more. She could use the company."

Their eyes met and Dawn nodded enthusiastically. 

"I wasn't sure…"

"How I would take you being around?" Buffy's voice startled them and as they turned to look at her, she softly shut the door behind her. With a deliberateness born of confidence in what she was doing, Buffy went to Spike, bent over him and kissed him thoroughly and passionately, before standing again. Her hand ran gently across his shoulder before she made her way toward her sister. "Don't you just wish you could do that?"

Dawn's face had taken on a pink tinge as she had watched the couple kiss. Her sister's question raised guilt that appeared in her eyes, telling on the young woman's former fantasies, that yes she did wish she could do that. 

"You can't have him, you know?" Buffy asked. Her fingers ran through her sister's hair, playing with it before hazel eyes met pure green eyes. "He's mine."

"I…I don't know what you're talking about," Dawn bluffed. Her eyes looked over Buffy's shoulder to Spike, silently pleading for him to help her.

Spike came toward them, stopping behind Buffy with his hands on her waist. "Buffy, come on, nothing was going on. Leave her alone." He looked up at Dawn. "Go on. Get out of here. We'll be out…"

"No," Buffy said as she clutched her sister's arm. "Stay. Please. We need to have a little girl talk but you don't mind if he stays, do you?"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Oh, the wiles that we women use to entice men. That is what you were intending wasn't it?" Buffy laughed softly as she ran fingers down a soft cheek. "You are so young and innocent still but yet so," she cocked her head slightly, "exacting. You came in here to ask about me. The sisterly concern. 'Oh yes, Spike, I'll do anything to help out. What do you need? Do you want me to bend over the desk?"

"Buffy, stop it," Spike warned. "She didn't mean it that way."

Tears gathered in the younger woman's eyes as she tried to leave again but found her arm still grasped by the determination of the Slayer.

"Yes, she did. The hands in the back pocket pulls the blouse taut over ripe young breasts still perky in their youth and the button opened just so the shadow over the cleavage invites you to wonder what it would be like to travel into its depths."

"Stop it, Buffy." Dawn cried. "I didn't come in for that." She struggled against her sister's grasp as Spike tried to loosen Buffy's hand. "I didn't. Please. Let me go."

Buffy pulled her closer for a second, "If you persist, I won't hurt you. I'll let you have what you want. The cruelest pain of all, let you have a taste of what you want, and then you can't hold onto it because I'll never let him go."

She released Dawn and watched as she ran from the room. Releasing the tension in her, Buffy leaned back into Spike's arms while she laughed softly. Her hand reached up to stroke Spike's cheek.

"You were too cruel, Pet. She didn't deserve that."

"And you enjoyed every moment of it."

Her laughter grew as Spike didn't say anything for a moment. She was right, a small part of him did enjoy watching Buffy fight for him, and the demon applauded the cruelty that was almost evil in origin but the man in him knew that Dawn had been devastated in her embarrassment and he didn't want his Niblet hurt like that. It almost made him wonder what it would do to the relationship between the sisters because he hadn't known that Buffy knew of Dawn's attraction to him.

Spike turned Buffy around, grasping her face between his hands as she encircled his wrists with her own small hands.

"Buffy that was malicious. You really hurt her," he said slowly as if speaking to a child. "She didn't deserve that. Her intentions were to help you not seduce me."

He watched as his Buffy seemed to fight to the surface again. The coldness that had been her only a moment ago, crumpled inward, and her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, God, what did I do?" The green eyes, filled with anguish, shuttered closed as tears broke through and slid down her cheeks. "It was like someone else was in control, taking my feelings and acting on them. I couldn't stop myself."

Spike gathered the petite body of his wife against him as she sobbed both for the hurt she had caused her sister and the loss of her own self. It was beginning to feel like he was living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, never knowing from one minute to the next how she would be. 

"I need to go and find Dawn. To make sure she is all right." Spike said as he eased Buffy away from him. She seemed a little calmer and when she nodded, he kissed her forehead and turned to find Dawn. Her earlier words began to seep into him, _taking my feelings and acting on them, was there a cruel part of  Buffy he didn't really know, or did she mean they were acting on her jealousy and expanding on it? Later, when things weren't so complicated he decided he would ask._

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _6:25 PM____

They were sitting silent, slowly swinging, on the back porch when Spike found them. Josh with his arm around his wife, trying to comfort her for something that Spike was sure he didn't know. The vampire came to lean against the railing and stared at the wall instead of looking at the tearful face of his sister-in-law.

"Dawn, she didn't mean it." He said softly.

"Yes, she did. Somewhere she did."

"Buffy would never deliberately hurt you no matter what her feelings on the…situation."

Dawn didn't reply only sniffled and hid her face behind her hand.

"Is that what this is about?" Josh said. "Buffy finally called you on your feelings for her husband. It was a bit much to be alone with him after declaring your feelings. It kind of pissed me off too."

The other two turned to stare at the young man in astonishment. 

"You know?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, I do." Josh laughed bitterly. "She's my wife. I think this might be the best thing. No one is denying that we know anymore and we can get it all out in the open."

"There is nothing to get out in the open," Dawn ground out.

"Well, maybe not for you, but maybe Buffy and I, hell, possibly even Spike, we still have to deal with the fact that you have feelings for your sister's husband."

"It's over, whatever you think was going on, is over."

Josh ignored her and turned his attention to the now very uncomfortable Spike.

"I have one question." And when he received a raised eyebrow in return, he continued. "Do you have any intention of following through on this? I mean do I have to worry about the feelings being returned and that you and my wife might decide to have an affair?"

"God, Josh, shut up," Dawn said. Her eyes flickered between the two males, as her humiliation deepened even further. There wasn't even a moment of titillation that Spike might say yes. And it was then that she realized that she had finally let go of whatever those emotions once were.

"No, we deserve to have whatever catharsis that we need." Josh replied and then returned his attention to Spike. "Well, do I?"

"No, you have nothing to worry about. Dawn is my sister."

Spike watched as the young man seemed to visibly relax with his answer and he wondered if their relationship was ever going to be the same. He tried to figure out an excuse to get out of there and when Kate poked her head out, he wanted to sing the Hallelujah chorus.

"Dawn, Buffy wants to see you for a minute."

"Oh, just fucking great," Dawn said but she stood and made her way inside. It was just what she wanted, another run in with her slightly deranged sister. Halloween was turning out for Dawn what Buffy's birthdays were to her. Next year she vowed to stay home.

As the door banged shut behind Dawn, it opened again and Xander, followed by Giles came out, giving Spike another reason to sigh in relief.

"Thought we'd get these puppies cooking. No offense to Candy." Xander said as he flourished the platter of meat around. "Me, I'm starving."

"Sounds good, man, sounds good," Josh said as he and Spike went to join the other two males around the grill. 

Giles was carrying some extra beers which he handed to Spike and Josh before sitting on the top steps. 

"Another lovely holiday on the Hellmouth," Giles imparted. "Hopefully, the dead," he gestured with his bottle toward the graves, "will stay dead and we can at least go home intact tonight."

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _6:40 PM____

Buffy watched as the children rounded the corner of the house, their bags overflowing with treats, and the adrenaline forcing them in kinetic games of tag around the back yard as the fathers tried to get their attention. She heard Dawn enter the room and without turning around, "I'm sorry for hurting you."

"It's all right," Dawn answered.

She turned and made her way toward her sister, and when Dawn visibly took a step back, Buffy stopped, resting her hands on the back of Spike's chair. Slowly, she smoothed the material down as she tried to decide how to approach this.

"Spike never betrayed your confidence or any of your talks," Buffy said with a glance up at her sister to make sure she believed her. "I think in some ways I've always known but when we did the ritual I knew for sure then. Seeing you through his eyes."

Dawn nodded. "Thanks, it's good to know that he didn't."

"He should have though. Secrets between people who are married aren't good, Dawnie."

Their eyes met in a clash of will but Dawn lost as her eyes returned to the floor. No matter how understanding her family was, it was still her fault.

"It would be good to have you around more. I could use the company and maybe we could get close again."

Dawn smiled, "Yeah that would be good. Are you coming back out?" 

Their talk was through and when Buffy replied that she would be out in a moment, Dawn headed for the door but as she was opening it, Buffy stopped her.

"Just remember though, Dawn," Buffy's voice had returned to the coldness of before. "I meant what I said if you decide to pursue this."

A chill ran through the former key as she hurried out toward the noisy confusion of the backyard. A thought had occurred to her in her talk with her sister and she wanted to speak with Giles. He was still sitting on the top step with Spike beside him. She sighed softly and went to kneel beside them.   
  
"Giles, can I speak with you a moment?"

The two men looked back at her while Spike asked if it had to do with Buffy. She nodded her head.

"Talk then," Spike said. 

"Look, it's just a thought and I may be totally off base here," Dawn said and then quickly looked over her shoulder to make sure Buffy wasn't coming out before she turned back. "Did we ever think about the ritual? I mean, I remember Giles saying that it caused insanity in some people. What if it did something to Buffy and it's just starting to show now?"

Both men sighed simultaneously as their gaze returned to the children and the puppy playing in the yard.

"I guess I'll add that to the list of things to be researched," Giles said. 

"And now if the dead will only stay dead…" Spike added.

TBC


	19. Pillow Talk

**Chapter 18 – Pillow Talk**

_October 31, 2007__ _9:45 PM__

Willow opened the french doors and stepped out onto their patio that overlooked the garden. She inhaled, letting the multitude of scents wash over her, calming her confused senses. It was here in this place of tranquility that she found her well of patience replenished. Ever since her bout into the blackness that dwelled deep within her, she had never had the patience that she once did, but surrounded by this beauty and with Tara behind her, she could stand strong against the negatives that lived in her.

"Jacob is asleep," Tara said softly behind her. Her footsteps padded across the patio until she stood beside Willow. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes, of course…no, I just," Willow said, her mind unable to focus on the words she wanted to say. She hesitated and looked into the well of her lover's eyes and breathed deeply. "I was wondering once again if we, if I, did the right thing by bringing Buffy back."

"Willow, of course we did. I know that things have been rough for her, especially that first year but look at how full her life is now."

"And she may be losing it by going insane." Willow retorted. "That first year we knew she wasn't mentally strong and somehow Spike pulled her out of it but now it seems she is losing the battle."

"We don't know anything for sure, Sweetie, and until we do we can't make judgments."

"I know," Willow said as she reached for Tara's hand. "I just feel that she is my responsibility. She is just so trusting that we'll always come through and fix everything. And sometimes I wonder if we have borrowed enough time and good luck."

"I refuse to believe that," Tara answered as she moved behind her lover and wrapped her arms around her. "Everything is fine, she is going to have a beautiful baby and they are going to live happily every after."

"Always the optimist."

"Someone has to be and speaking of babies."

Willow turned her head slightly, "We were speaking of babies?"

Tara laughed softly, "I was thinking that maybe now would be a good time to start thinking of having another."

This brought Willow out of her arms as the witch turned to look at her wife. Green eyes searched Tara's for sincerity, and then she smiled when she realized that Tara was.

"You want another baby?"

Tara nodded. "If you agree then I was also thinking… that this time you carry the child."  
  


"Me?" Willow squeaked. "Oh, no, I'm not the carrying, well actually, the birthing kind."

A kiss was placed on the red head's mouth, and then another one as hands brought her closer to Tara's body.

"What I was thinking, was that" another kiss, "if you combined your genes with someone who is similar to you then the baby would be a" another kiss, "very intelligent child with a penchant for magic."

Willow giggled, "Are you saying that Jacob isn't intelligent?"

Tara pulled her gently back into their bedroom, "Yes, he is but I think that you need to fully experience the magic of motherhood."

As they fell back onto the bed, Willow raised up on her hands, a large smile dancing on her face, "You know this isn't going to conceive a baby?"

"Yeah, I know but it might put you in the right mood."

All else was lost as Willow claimed her lover's mouth in a passionate agreement that maybe motherhood might not be such a bad proposition. 

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _9:47 PM____

Two doors closed within seconds of the other and Xander and Anya met in the hallway, relieved smiles on their faces.

"Operation sleeping children successfully done for another night," Xander said as he raised his hand for Anya to high five.

"And now to the second mission of the night," Anya said as stepped closer to Xander and her hand wandered along the muscular planes of his chest, "orgasms."

"Yeah," Xander's pulled his more than willing wife against him and let his hands move purposefully down her back to the swell of her bottom, squeezing the softness of her cheeks "sounds like a lovely idea."

Anya took a short hop so that she could wrap her legs around her husband's waist while her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him to her in a kiss. Their lips began their teasing as Xander carried Anya into their bedroom. From years of practice, he never had to open his eyes and could concentrate on the things Anya could do with kissing and still bring them slowly down onto the bed without breaking lip or hip contact.

As he ground his erection against her, Xander broke away from her mouth and trailed kisses along her jaw. 

"Stop, Xander," Anya said as she went totally limp below him.

"Huh," Xander mumbled against the spot she liked sucked right below her ear. "What are we stopping for? "He pressed himself against her again. "I'm ready."

"No, you're not. Now get off."

Xander found himself unceremoniously dumped on his back as Anya scooted away.

"What's up?"

"Well, you're penis for one but the rest of you is somewhere else. I want total concentration from you for the maximum orgasm experience."

"And where was I? Besides with her…" Xander realized his mistake and ran a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, An, I'm just worried about her."

"I realize this. This is what friends do. So, let's talk and get it over with so we can pursue more pleasurable things."

Xander sat up, followed his wife's example by sitting cross-legged across from her, his hands plucking at their bedspread.

"And I'm more worried about him. Okay, not in a girly way or anything but he is my…"

"Best friend, after me. The first male best friend you've had since Jesse. And you don't want to lose him or do anything that would make you responsible in the event that it would happen like you felt you were with Jesse."

He laughed softly as once again his wife cut through everything right to what was really bothering him. 

"If he loses her, I don't think he'll be able to hold it together. And I know how she feels but she is risking everything for this baby."

"Xander, until males carry the offspring, they will never feel the power that comes from pregnancy; the power of carrying a new life especially if it is created from a very deep love. There is no way Buffy is going to give up that up. And I agree with her. She deserves and has fought very hard to get impregnated. She shouldn't have to give it up."

"I know. I just don't know what to do. I want to fix everything." 

A tear rolled down his face as he felt the total inability to take care of his friends and the fear that he would lose them because of it. Anya wiped the tear away.

"Xan, we can only do what we can." Her tone was soft and gentle, a state that she could only achieve for him in moments like this or with her children. In the times that called out to the maternal side of her. "We take of what we see needs to be done without stepping on their toes. We'll start having Eli over one or two afternoons a week after school and letting him spend the night on the weekends to give them a break."

"Yeah, Spike said she was worse when she was stressed or tired. You sure it's okay with you?"

"Of course, it may have taken years but I finally feel that she is my friend, too."

A sly smile crossed the man's face as he recalled earlier times.

"And of course Spike has always been you're friend."

"It's the demon thing."

Now a chuckle came from him.

"Yeah, and you had better watch it. Like with what happened with Dawn tonight, could happen to you. Buffy knows exactly what you and Spike were up to in those days."

"You two were being total asses to us and we were lonely and hurt and God is he hot." She finished with a different look on her face and Xander laughed louder.

"Oh, yeah, do you still think about him sometimes when I'm making love to you?" Xander asked as he leaned over to kiss her on the shoulder but Anya playfully shoved him back.

"Like you don't think about Buffy, like the night you came back from the Bronze and were telling me that Spike took nudie photos of her. Got you're motor going, not that I minded, I got six orgasms out of it but still turnabout is fair play."

Xander slowly walked his fingers along her thigh, "You know, Baby, if you're fantasizing about him and I'm fantasizing about her…"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't we fantasize together?"

Suddenly Xander found himself on his back with his ex-demon on top of him.

"Ravish me you big, bad vampire." 

"Slayer," he slurred in a really bad English accent as he rolled his giggling wife below him.

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _10:05 PM____

Kate leaned against the railing of the crib watching her baby sleep. She gently stroked his cheek as she whispered her thanks for having him.

"Everything all right?" Rupert asked from the doorway.

"Yes, he's fine."

There was a slight hitch to her voice that brought her husband quickly to her side. His hand softly stroked her shoulder then ran down the hair that fell halfway down her back. She sighed under his caresses and leaned against the safety of his body. Here in this room was the majority of her world. The man she thought she would never find and the baby that was a gift that she never expected.

"I'm sorry, darling, I just feel so lucky," she whispered. "And I hurt so much for Buffy. The poor girl has been through too much already and it's not fair that she has to bear this."

"Yes, it doesn't seem quite fair, does it? That we have been so blessed with Benji and she has to wonder if her child is a demon or worse."

Rupert's arm encircled her waist bringing her closer to him and she returned the gesture until she held him tightly against her.

"They look at me like I betrayed them."

"Do you still feel the same?"

Kate laughed softly, "As a doctor, I still stand behind my advice. It's the only way we can properly take care of her right now but as a woman, it rips my heart out."

She began to cry as she looked at her son, so innocent, sleeping on his back and knew that she would make the same choice as Buffy. Sometimes blessings could be disguised as heartache and they could only hope for the best.

"Come on let's leave him to his sleep. Would you like to go downstairs? I could make us some tea."

She followed willingly when he took her hand and led her from the room. "Actually Rupert, I want you to make love to me." When he chuckled and changed directions to their room, she smiled and took one last look at their son, and knew that she wouldn't rest until she found a way to help a young woman across town that for once deserved a break.

~~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _10:25 PM____

The room was quiet except for the sound of drawers slamming shut as Josh packed a duffle bag. Dawn stepped from the bathroom, her eyes widening when she saw her husband, her mouth fluttering open and shut in disbelief.

"Where are you going?"

His eyes closed briefly in the knowledge that he was hurting her. Something he had never done before in all the years he had known her. He had spoiled her and now it was like his feelings and his pride didn't even matter.

"I'm going to go and stay with Connor and Clem for a few days."

"A few days? Are you coming back?"

Josh straightened and through the pain, took in his wife's tears that were beginning to trail down her face, and somehow resolved not to back down on his decision.

"That will depend on you, I guess. I love you, but tonight, it just shook me."

"I'm sorry, Josh, please don't leave," Dawn cried. She rushed to him and wrapped her arms around him, almost purring in relief when he held her back. He buried his face in her hair and wept too. "I never meant…"

Suddenly she was alone again as he backed away. "You never mean, Dawn, it's always someone else that caused it or made you do it. You react and you've never learned that you are hurting yourself as much as others. And I hurt too much right now to take care of you."

"It's you I love not him." Dawn said. "No one understands. No one. And I hate it."

"Hate what? That you couldn't have him?"

"No, that no one understands why I put him on such a pedestal."

Josh grabbed his bag and zipped it hurriedly. "I don't care why, Dawn, not anymore. I know you love me but I need to protect me for awhile."

"Don't leave, please, Josh," Dawn grabbed and held onto his arm. "I love you."

"I love you, too. I'll call you tomorrow."

He turned and left her crying alone and it ripped through his heart like nothing he had ever done before. He knew he would be back, Dawn was all he had ever wanted, but he needed to breathe for a few days and make sure that Josh was still okay.

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _11:15 PM____

"Oh, hurry up, Dad," Raven muttered. Her ear was pressed to the door as she listened to Spike in the bathroom. It took another couple of minutes before he left and moved across the hall. As soon as the door closed behind him, she raced down the hall, and into Sean's room. Her hand was over her eyes, just in case he wasn't dressed or something.

"Sean, can I open my eyes?"

He laughed softly at her dancing around in her pajamas and her hand across her face.

"Well, I don't know. I'm naked but it's nothing you haven't seen before?" He joked. Although he had on sweat pants and a t-shirt, he couldn't help but tease her modesty.

Her hand came down as she giggled, "It wasn't really nakedness I was worried about." She moved to crawl across his bed before she plopped down beside him. With a long history of mutual comfortableness they settled close to each other for one of their talks. "Do you think Mum is going to be okay? Eli keeps saying the baby is good but what if the others are right?"

"I'm not going to think of anything but the best." He paused for a moment then offered with quiet resolve. "Everything is going to be fine. It has to be."

Raven took his hand in hers and squeezed before pulling it onto her stomach.

"I'm sorry. Tomorrow after school, let's go rent some movies and we'll cook dinner."

"Sounds good, I think anything we do to help out is appreciated. Do you ever feel that sometimes they don't even notice we're here? I don't mean that like that they don't care but…"  
  


"That they got lost in each other; like they are the only two people who exist in the world."

"Yeah, that's it." Sean nodded his head to accompany his verbal agreement. "It's hard to watch sometimes."

"We can only hope that we find love like that." 

For a moment they remained quiet as they reflected on the home that they now found themselves residing in. It was a miracle to them that they had managed to find a home together. Their friendship had stretched over their lives and the time apart had been hard on both of them. 

"So, who are you taking to the fall dance?" Raven asked to change the subject.

"I'm not going."

The girl rolled onto her side so she could gauge her friend's expression. It was a blank mask that left her clueless as to why.

"And why not? I know of at least ten girls that would love to go with you."

"And I don't want to go with them," Sean answered as he continued to stare at the wall, hoping that she would read between the lines but when she only stared at him, he sighed. "Raven, there is something I need to tell you but I've been too afraid to."

Her hand rested on his arm and stroked it gently.

"You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything," she whispered.

His eyes closed briefly then turned to look at her. "Even if I was gay?"

Her brows furrowed together as she shot up and turned to sit so she was facing him. "What?"

"It's fairly simple. I'm gay. Homosexual, queer…"

"Yeah, yeah, got the idea, but how long? And why haven't you told me before."

"Always, I guess but I really only accepted it in the past few months. And I was afraid you wouldn't love me anymore."

That was the crux of it. He was afraid that she wouldn't be his friend anymore and he couldn't handle any more loss. If this didn't work then he had no where to go.

Raven burrowed down into the bed beside him, "I'll always love you, Sean, you're my friend and that's not going to change. Besides I suspected."

He laughed softly, "How?"

"You haven't made any moves on me since you got here." Raven pinched him gently, "And face it, I'm hot and you have to be gay not to try with me."

They both giggled as they settled down in each other's arms. Their conversation continued late into the night before Raven left and when she finally returned to her room, their friendship was deeper than when she had gone down the hall earlier.

~~~~~~~

_October 31, 2007__ _11:15 PM____

Spike stepped through their bedroom door and for some reason this night he felt like he had stepped into a new dimension. Nothing was out of the norm, his light still glowed on his side of the bed, and the two fans continued their droning noise as they blew air around the room, and his wife lie on the bed. She was motionless, on her side, her hands tucked beneath her chin while she faced away from him and a sheet was pulled so that it barely covered her ass leaving her naked back exposed to his view. He felt his cock tighten in anticipation, it had learned in the past few days, that any gaze upon her would most likely lead to him being buried somewhere in her body. Eagerly and quickly, or leisurely and slow, whatever, wherever there was privacy, and whenever, she wanted him as voraciously as she was craving certain foods these days.

He removed his clothes and as eager as his body was, his soul was reluctant and his mind unsure of whether or not they wanted to be as close to her as they would have been earlier today. Once he was nude he crawled into his side of the bed, drifting under the sheet, no higher on him than on her, his arms crossed behind his head as he stared at the intricate ironwork on their bed that formed the top. The top that at one point or another had found one of them tied to it and what once was a tightening was now an increasing hardness. He sighed and turned to finally look at her. 

"Do you ever long for the days when you were more demon than human?" she whispered as she continued to stare out the window.

"I've told you, Pet, that I don't have any regrets."

"That wasn't what I asked. Do you?"

"Sometimes but not very often."

"Thank you." 

His hand, of its own violation, reached for her but froze in mid-air at her next question.

"Do you ever long for the days when you could act without guilt?"

His hand flopped to the bed only inches from her.

"Why the questions?"

"I know it shouldn't but I enjoyed hurting Dawn like that." A momentary pause before she sighed. "I've wanted to smack her for a long time. I mean really just smack the shit out of her but it was always the consequences, the knowledge of guilt to come that prevented me."

"No worry about hurting and alienating you're sister?" He couldn't help the sarcasm tinged with slight fear that came through in his voice.

"It's always the consequences, the guilt that stops us." She continued as if he hadn't spoken. Her own voice almost emotionless in its execution. "The feeling deep inside of us that tells us that it is wrong like you're soul has a voice. The knowledge of guilt that prevented me from staking Angel when I knew I should, the consequences that prevented you from taking my life that night, guilt that kept me from Richard's bed and guilt that pulled you from her bed. To be able to act without that voice, without the soul must be beautiful in its own way. To be able to take pleasure where you want, to exact vengeance without looking back and to take without worries that must be an addiction that still beckons at you even now."

"And when you finally find that voice again it eats you from the inside out. Buffy, don't romanticize evil. Because that is what you are talking about and if you let it tempt you or give into it for even a moment, you're life will never be the same."

"And therefore that's where the guilt comes in, for hurting someone who dared to encroach upon my territory even if only in her mind, what right did she have for even thinking of touching you?"

"It's more complicated than that, Love."

"Why is it? She hurt me and I hurt back."

"Love, it changes everything. And in the end you do love her, don't you?"

"Yes," she whispered as she rolled onto her back, her gaze coming to rest on his face, while she lay on his hand that hadn't moved. "Didn't say I wanted to be without guilt. Just was curious. Clem got me thinking and I guess as I went through the night it became more." A smile danced across her face for a moment before retreating. "Yeah, before you ask, I really did want to hurt her but I've been angry with her for a while now and we kept tiptoeing around it without really talking about it."

"Do you feel better now?" He extricated his hand out from under her and propped himself up on his elbow to look down at her.

This time she laughed as a flush covered her face.   
  
"No, I feel like shit for hurting her and that's why I was asking about the guilt."

"Good, if you didn't I'd be calling on some people to find that annoying soul of yours that I love so much."

Her fingers ran across his face. 

"Only my soul or does my body come in there somewhere?"

"Now that you mention it, I think you're body is definitely loved, especially by my cock."

She pulled the sheet from him and smiled at his erection, her fingers ran along the length.

"I have a treat for you tonight," Her eyes returned to his, "well, for your demon, can he come out to play?" When he hesitated, looking at her inquisitively, she asked again. "Please?"

He switched to game face and when she cooed in delight, he smiled and moved closer to her.

"My treat?" 

Her hand slipped behind his head and pulled him down toward her neck.

"I asked Kate and she said that you could bite as long as you only take a little."

"Demon likes treat," he whispered before he kissed the softness of her neck and as she pressed herself to him, he allowed his fangs to enter the flesh he craved so much.

TBC


	20. Cravings

**Chapter 19 – Cravings**

_November 17, 2007 __2:07 PM___

_Strawberry, Grape or Boysenberry? _Buffy waved her knife over the three jars of jam on the counter, and she licked the left over peanut butter off the knife while she mulled over her decision. She shrugged her shoulders and systematically put a dollop of each on the bread, creating stripes across her sandwich. _Yep, three sandwiches in one. Definitely of the good. Right, little one?_ Buffy thought as she put the two slices of bread together and regretted she hadn't thought of the stripes when choosing smooth or crunchy peanut butter. _We could have had six in one._

She returned the assorted jars to their proper places, wiped the crumbs up, wrapped her sandwich in a paper towel and headed back to the living room. _Everybody is busy, means I get control of the remote for once. But as she passed the basement door, she could hear the thud of a body hitting the mat and then Spike's frustrated sigh. __Uh-oh Raven is screwing up. So, she headed down the steps, taking a seat halfway down and settled into watch the action. Spike glanced up at her and smiled as she took a huge bite of her creation. It was only a little over an hour since they had eaten lunch and she had eaten hers and half of his. She shrugged as she returned the smile and then licked some jam off the corner of her mouth and saw him roll his eyes._

As Raven and Connor faced off again, the couple turned their attention back to them. Since she couldn't be involved in the actual physical training of their daughter, they had talked Spike into letting Connor help her train. Being evenly or better matched for her Slayer abilities, he was the logical choice to help and this was their first session. The two young people circled each other, then Raven tried to kick Connor's legs out from under him but he caught her leg and knocked her on her butt again.

"Raven, you need to concentrate. This is ridiculous." Spike bit out.

"She's fighting like a girl," Buffy contributed.

"Well, gee, Mum, I am a girl."

"No, you're not you're a Slayer, act like it." Buffy said. "Connor, why are you here?"

The three standing on the mat, looked up at her, and Buffy could see if they were wondering if she was having a moment.

"I'm fine, people, just trying to help."

"I'm here to help Raven train," Connor answered, "to help her get stronger and faster."

"Raven, why are you here?"

"To train," Raven answered almost flippantly.

"Anyone want my opinion or do I go watch a movie?" 

Raven rolled her eyes but Connor and Spike waited for her to continue.  Obviously, they knew where Buffy was going with this and both of them had been too uncomfortable to say anything and looked grateful that she was going to handle it. 

"Connor, don't give her any slack. Keep it tough and at full strength. Spike, you need to quit thinking of her as your little girl. You're training a Slayer, not your daughter and if you don't get on her ass, she is going to get killed out there." Buffy waited a moment, took another bite and swallowed before turning her gaze on her daughter. She knew what she was going to say was going to hurt Raven but it needed to be said. "Raven, quit trying to show Connor how cute and giggly you are. If he is anything like your father, the better and harder you fight him the more you'll tu…impress him. If you want to be a Slayer sometimes you have to quit thinking of yourself as a woman and just become a machine. Now try it again." When Raven hesitated clearly embarrassed. "Now, Raven."

Blue eyes met her mother's hazel ones before nodding. This time Raven was on her game and the sparring between Connor and her was more intense. Spike hunkered down and gave Raven pointers on her kicks and jabs. After a few minutes Connor wrapped his arm around her neck, but she reacted by wrapping her foot behind his ankle and took them down to the ground. She landed sitting on his stomach and she brought her fist against his thigh, instead of what her actual target would be and as he rose up in pain she brought her elbow back and into his nose which instantly started to bleed.

She scrambled off of him apologizing profusely as he held his nose.

"Head back, Connor, come on," Buffy said as she popped the rest of her sandwich into her mouth. 

With Connor in the lead, Buffy followed him upstairs as Spike called a halt and began to fold up the mats. In the bathroom, Buffy took a washcloth and held it the young man's nose then waited for it to quit bleeding.

"Are you showing now?"

"Not really. My jeans are too tight so I am starting with the stretchy clothes. A lot more comfortable especially since I've gained about ten pounds now."

"It doesn't look like it."

"Thanks," Buffy smiled as she lifted the washcloth. "It's stopped. Let's get you cleaned up."

She got a new washcloth and wet it before wiping the blood off of him. She knew that he hadn't had a lot of nurturing in his life and wanted to give what she could to the young man who was becoming important to her. Knowing that he turned out 'normal' even though he came from two vampires gave her hope for her own baby.

"Go upstairs to Spike's dresser and get yourself a clean t-shirt. It's okay."

Buffy sighed as she watched him leave. Her hand softly ran over the slight swelling of her belly and smiled. Even with the sporadic spacing out and overly enhanced emotions, she still had faith that everything was going to be fine. 

She made her way to the kitchen to find Spike on the phone. 

"It's Xander. He wants to know if we want to come over for dinner tonight then Eli can spend the night. They want to discuss Thanksgiving while we're there."

"Sure, no problem. Find out what they want us to bring. And Connor is coming with us. I haven't asked him yet but I'd like for him to be there."

She kissed her husband on the cheek before heading for the refrigerator again. As she rummaged through the contents, Spike finished his conversation and came to lean over her.

"Eating again, Love?"

"It's not that I'm really hungry. Just want something and haven't found it yet." Buffy sorted through the pudding on the shelf. "Hey, who ate the last vanilla and chocolate swirl? I had dibs on it."

Laughing Spike kissed her on the back of her neck while his arm encircled her waist. 

"Why don't you just take a vanilla and chocolate and mix them together?"

"It's not the same," Buffy responded as she grabbed a chocolate one. "So, what time are we supposed to be there and what are we bringing?"

"Five-thirty and Anya is making lasagna. So, they said nothing."

"We'll stop and get a bottle of wine." Buffy said as she took Spike's hand. "Come cuddle with me."

She led them into his study, closed the door behind him and pushed him down on the couch. He smiled up at her as she put his legs up. Then when he was stretched out she straddled him, leaning down to kiss him while her hands pushed his shirt up and out of her way.

"My two favorite things to have in my mouth are you and chocolate." 

Slowly she spooned the pudding across his chest and stomach, taking the time to fill his belly button to capacity, and then with a smile began to lick it off of him as he lay back waiting impatiently for the time she would undo his jeans.

~~~~~~~~

_November 17, 2007__ _7:35 PM____

They were all gathered in the Harris living room watching the end of the movie that the younger kids had picked out. Raven, Sean and Connor were playing cards in the corner while Anya was sprawled out on the floor with the kids. Buffy was curled into Spike's side, alternating feeding them from a dish of ice cream. Xander was stretched out in his recliner sleeping. He had fallen asleep almost a half hour before and his occasional snores had everyone laughing. 

Suddenly he shifted in his chair and his hand flew up then flopped back into his lap. Everyone's attention was drawn to him as he squirmed and made a moaning sound. 

"Oh, God, Buffy," Xander muttered and everyone stopped laughing. "No, please, Buffy, don't." He twitched again and screamed. His eyes flew open and he looked quickly around the room. "Where's Buffy? Is she all right?"

"Yeah, she is," Spike responded. "But after the moan fest and calling my woman's name, you might not be."

His friend looked around the room, looked Buffy over and ran his hand over his face. "I'm going to get a drink. Be right back." He was clearly embarrassed as he stood and headed for the kitchen.

"Spike, go talk to him and be nice," Buffy said.

"Am I ever anything else?" Spike replied as he stood and went into the kitchen. When he walked in Xander was leaning against the sink gulping a glass of water. "Hey."

"Hey."

"So, you dreaming about Buffy?" Spike asked as he put his hands in his pockets. He looked around the room instead of looking at his friend. 

"Not like you think, man, it was totally, nothing, but it wasn't like that."

Spike nodded, "So, explain to me."

Xander wiped his hand over his face again. "I was dreaming that she was like full term and she was lying on the dining room table." He stopped for a second when Spike's eyes opened wide and chuckled. "And her stomach started moving and then this alien thing popped out of her stomach. It was like totally…" ******

"Gross. I've had the same dream myself, actually."

They both laughed as they relaxed again and Spike moved to lean on the counter next to his friend. In light of everything that they had been researching and fearing, the dream seemed a natural process, especially considering how many movies with that scenario they had watched over the years.

"Sorry, for scaring you there." Xander apologized.

"No, problem just thought you had the hots for my wife for a minute."

"No, of course not, no such thoughts of the Buffster would ever cross my mind."

Spike turned a raised eyebrow toward his friend because he was protesting a little too much. It was at that moment that their wives walked into the room.

"What thoughts of me?" Buffy asked.

"Fantasies of you," Spike said as he enjoyed the embarrassment that he was putting the other male through.

"Really, never? Oh, because Anya had said something the other day about just that thing," Buffy said while exchanging looks with Anya.

"And just like Xander says he's never thought of you, I'm sure that Spike has never thought of me," Anya said.

This time both eyebrows raised as Spike stared at the two women. They had to be joking about this and he didn't even dare look at Xander, who he could feel squirming next to him.

"You know, An, if they are fantasizing like that," Buffy said while her eyes raked over Xander. "Maybe I should take Xander home and leave Spike here and we'll get together for brunch tomorrow and compare notes.

"Good idea," Anya agreed as they turned and walked back out of the kitchen. 

As they left the two men could hear them discussing which restaurant to meet at the next day.

"They're joking right?" Xander asked.

"I hope so because I'm not going to go for it. Nothing against Anya."

"With you there, buddy, talk is one thing but no, I don't think so," Xander said as he led the way back into the living room. 

The two women were now talking about maternity clothes when they came back in and none of them brought it up again. A short while later, Spike cleared his throat and said that it was time to leave. As he walked out the door, Buffy's hand firmly clasped in his, he didn't notice the wink between Buffy and Anya, as they smiled about their little joke.

~~~~~~~~~

_November 17, 2007__ _10:49 PM____

For once the house was totally quiet. Elijah had happily stayed to spend the night with Aidan. Connor had taken Raven and Sean to the movies leaving only Spike and Buffy at home. And, of course, Candy Corn who was sleeping on Spike's chair in his study. The last time Buffy had looked, Spike was on his computer talking to Xander about the plans for the attic. It had already been cleaned and chalk outlines were drawn where everything was going to go. The materials had been ordered and the two men were outlining what they were going to do in what order.

Buffy had slipped away upstairs to take a bath and to slip into some pajamas. Now, clad in her favorite pair (the ones adorned with kittens) she headed toward the kitchen intent on finding something else to eat. She had tasted everything in sight all day and still hadn't discovered what her body was craving. As she opened the refrigerator door she sighed, knowing the contents hadn't changed and she doubted she would find anything that appealed to her. 

This time however something caught her eye and with a look around to make sure that Spike was still in his study, she pulled it out and put it on the counter. Hesitating, she ran a finger over the lid before popping it open. _Okay, just a taste. Find out and then go from there. She told herself to work up the nerve, and then a finger dipped into the thick liquid before bringing it to her mouth. Her tongue flicked out and tasted it. Tears formed in her eyes as she realized that this was what she had been hungry for. Blood. _

She contemplated whether to heat some up and hide to drink it but the thought of drinking the pig's blood made her shudder in distaste. She wanted it warm from a body and her mind flashed back to the few times she had tasted Spike's blood and knew that was what she wanted. Salivating at the thought, she licked her lips and put the container away before turning toward the study.

~~~~~~~~

_November 17, 2007__ _10:58 PM____

He and Xander were playfully arguing over what type of bathtub they needed to order for the attic bathroom and he chuckled as Xander insisted they needed a tub for four. Anya had confessed the plotting that she and Buffy had done about the swapping joke and now the two of them were carrying it to the fullest extreme that two men could. Of course, it helped that they were on the computer and couldn't see the other's face as they joked.

Buffy entered the room and came over to him. He slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her down onto his lap. Squeezing her gently, he laid his head on her shoulder as she snuggled into him.

"I'm hungry," she said.

"Again, Love? Do you want me to go and get you something?"

Her hand cradled his cheek and turned him to face her. A tear slipped down her face as she ran her thumb over his lips.

"No, Spike, I'm hungry."

She drew her other finger along the vein on the inside of his wrist and he closed his eyes for a moment as it clicked what exactly she meant. He nodded and reached over to type in that he had to go. After the computer was shut off, Spike picked her up and carried her over to the couch.  He settled her across his lap and pressed his lips to her, and for a moment they allowed themselves the connection. 

"Are you sure?" He asked when they had drawn apart.

"Yeah, I tried to drink the stuff in the fridge but…"

"It's okay, Pet, you and the baby need the fresh stuff."

She only nodded and he switched to game face. His heart ached that it had come to this for her. It had to be the baby that was creating this need and he watched the intense concentration on her face as she watched him. Her tongue darted out as he bit into his wrist so that the blood would flow freely. After taking a swallow to make sure that it was flowing he held his arm out for her. Tenderly she took his arm in her hands and pulled it toward her. She slowly licked the blood that had escaped down his flesh before fastening her mouth around the puncture wounds. Softly she began to suckle at it as he settled them a little more comfortably.

He only hoped that this wasn't a constant need because he knew he couldn't feed her properly from him. And it wasn't just tasting or part of a sexual game that she was doing now. It was feeding and he only hoped that he would be able to satisfy her without hurting himself. His fingers softly played through her hair and knew that he would do what he had to do to keep her satisfied and was grateful that the chip was now deactivated.

TBC

** Author's note: Thank you to Vette who remembered the Alien scene and applied it to our boys. So, thank you for your reviews and your idea. I appreciate it!!


	21. Free Falling

**cChapter**** 20 – Free Falling**

_November 21, 2007__ _5:15 AM____

Spike was falling through space. His hands flailed about trying to find an anchor… when he felt hands on his waist. Buffy's hands, soft and strong and he knew he was safe. Relaxing in the knowledge that all was right with his world, he allowed himself to slowly come awake as Buffy stroked his flesh. His hand tangled in her hair as she rained kisses across his abdomen before raising her head and his free hand was taken by hers. It was nothing but a small tensing through his body as she nibbled on the puncture wounds.

"Do you want me to open them for you?" Spike asked as he ran the silky strands of her hair through his fingers. Each day since the first night of her feeding she had desired less blood until yesterday when she hadn't drunk at all. The decision taken out of his hands on how to handle her if she needed constant nourishment. He had chosen not to let anyone know what had happened. She was feeling like a freak enough without putting her on display even more. If she had reached the point of not needing more then it was mute.

"No, I am just drawn to them."

Like a Childe drawn to her Sire's blood and he couldn't suppress the shudder that went through him. Each day was a new change, a subtle difference from the woman she used to be. The cruel displays of emotion, the forgetfulness, loss of time and now added in the last week, the feeding and nightly wanderings. In the last few days she had taken to only sleeping in short naps and she would wander through the house in the middle of the night and he would find her downstairs playing video games or watching television or sometimes just sitting on the couch. Compliant like a child she would follow him back up the stairs and curl into his side until the next time she woke. And he was afraid that she would slip into one of her moments and leave again. 

Buffy had returned to raining kisses down his body while her hands stroked the way. His mind was too filled with other things to lose himself in her seduction and finally she realized that even though his body had responded, he was somewhere else. She gave up and came to lie by his side.

"Talk to me."

Spike turned to look at her with a smile that wasn't really filled with gladness. It was an attempt to give her reassurance that he was still there and would always be there. But she knew in that way she did and unhurriedly her fingers traced the planes of his face. 

"There is nothing to say because there isn't anything wrong."

"Other than your wife is going insane." She quipped as she tickled his side, causing him to jump and chuckle. His smile faded and then an intense sadness flooded his features. "It's all right to joke about it, Baby, and its okay to tell me if it's too much for you."

"It's the family thing tomorrow, probably. Still not used to these big events with all the human desire for eating turkey and stuff."

"Not you're holiday, I know but it will be fine." She grinned mischievously. "Maybe we could get a bear to make it more festive for you."

He swatted her bottom. "Funny, very funny."

"But you were so cute screaming, 'undo it, undo it'."

"Yeah, and that's the day I found out you had a thing for bondage, tying me in that chair."

She giggled and crawled on top of him, as his hands ran along her thighs and over her bottom. For a moment they just smiled and gazed at each other before he rolled them over. The sheet tangled around her legs as she wrapped them around his waist and pulled him down to kiss her. As his tongue eased into her mouth he entered her slowly and she curled up to receive him. For a long while he stayed motionless while buried inside of her, enjoying the intimacy of being joined and they kissed repeatedly, allowing the new day to bring a reminder of the connection between them. Finally Spike started to rock slowly, giving the stimulation they needed to complete the act and she cried out in his ear as he opened the bite on her neck and drank from her bringing them both the fulfillment they needed. 

They stayed entwined enjoying the peaceful post-coital awe they still felt after making love and allowed them selves to be drawn back to sleep, content to be held in each other's arms.

~~~~~~~

_November 21, 2007__ _10:18 AM____

Buffy wouldn't leave. They had been standing in the front hallway since Dawn had arrived to pick her up which had been almost ten minutes ago. Spike finally put his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward the door but she slipped out of his hands.

"Are you sure you're going to be all right?"

"I'm fine, Buffy, go shop, have lunch, discuss baby stuff, buy baby stuff. Just go."

Dawn giggled at his side and without thinking he looped his arm around her shoulders. They both froze for a second but the sight of Buffy chewing her lower lip and looking for another excuse not to leave him home alone made them relax. 

"Okay, fine, but call me if you need me."

"Of course, I will, Pet."

Buffy gave Spike a quick kiss before walking out the door and Dawn moved to follow her but Spike turned her toward him and hugged her tight. It felt almost natural to be affectionate toward her again. Like the wounds had been completely cleaned of any festering poison the night Buffy ripped the scab away. There was nothing left to hide or secrets to keep and Dawn had returned to being his Niblet again.

"Call me at any sign of trouble," he whispered in her ear and then kissed her temple before releasing her. She smiled at him before nodding and following her sister out. "Have a good time and I'll see you two later."

He waited until the two women were in the car and pulling out of the driveway before he dropped the curtain. Whistling he made his way toward the kitchen and within fifteen minutes had the stereo blasting at a level he would have punished the kids for, a plate of snacks by his side, Candy curled in his lap and his hands on the controller playing his favorite game. For the first time in a long time he was alone in the house. The tension drained away as he felt no pressure to be alert to anyone else at the moment. For the next four or so hours he could do anything that he wanted to do and he was determined to enjoy it.

Almost two hours later when the doorbell rang, he muttered an expletive and paused his game, picked the dog up and headed for the front door, promising death to anyone that was ignorant enough to interrupt his day with anything trivial. Spike yanked the door to find Max on the doorstep. His face must have shown his irritation because Max took a step back.

"You want me to leave?" He asked and then looked down at the animal cradled in Spike's arm and smiled. "So, is this Candy Corn, the new sensation of the adult film world?"

"Yep, this is the little bitch, here take her," Spike dead panned as he handed his pet over. He smiled as Candy made another conquest as she wiggled and licked his friend's face. Max began to make cooing noises and speaking baby talk to her. "You want to watch it there, mate, she does belong to me."

"You already have a woman. I don't."

Two pairs of blue eyes met and Spike knew why Max had shown up a day early. Something had happened to the burgeoning relationship between Max and Fred. Doing the only thing he could, he gave up the rest of his morning of alone time and stepped back so the other man could enter. It didn't take them long to decide to head to Willy's for lunch and some male bonding. They settled into a booth and ordered a couple of beers and hamburgers. Until now they had only made small talk, both waiting for this time of no interruptions before beginning the heavier catching up.

"What brings you to Sunnydale a day early?"

After taking a long drink of his beer, Max sighed.

"Fred is in love with Wesley. So, I left to give them time to adjust to her sudden enlightenment and subsequent outburst about said revelation."

"Uh oh, and what brought on this almost biblical change of heart."

"Him catching us making out in Angel's office," Max supplied as he began to peel the label from the bottle. "She got all flustered and out it popped. And I'm alone again naturally."

"Tough break." 

"It's okay. Wasn't in love with her yet and she deserves to be with someone who can give her everything. I can't. And I know that. So, this holiday weekend, may I beg to be the weird uncle who sleeps on the couch?"

Spike laughed, "You're always the weird uncle and the couch missed you. Are they still coming tomorrow?"

"Nah, decided to be alone. The only ones coming from LA is Angel and Cordelia. And did you know he's a little touchy about people being on his desk? Or is just me?"

The picture of Max and Fred on Angel's desk and his Sire's reaction to the whole scenario made Spike laugh even harder. The poof was probably acting all self righteous about it when he had probably used it a few times himself.

"It's Angel, believe me."

The waitress brought their sandwiches and conversation halted for a moment while they started eating and then Max looked back up as he waved a french fry around.

"I heard that Dawn and Josh broke up?"

"Well, temporarily. They have decided to date awhile." He smiled while Max rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's what we thought too but when you think about it. It's not really ridiculous. They were living together at sixteen and haven't been separated since. Maybe a little time apart and a little effort to see each other might just make them see what they are missing."

"True. And how is Buffy doing?"

"Good days, bad days and days when you don't know from one minute to the next but she's remaining optimistic which all her doctors say is the best thing for her. Right now she and Dawn are out shopping for maternity clothes. She's got this little pooch thing going on that's really adorable." 

A grin lit up his face as he talked about her and it reminded him that not everything was centered on her 'illness'. And he made a decision that he was going to enjoy as much as he could and try to lose the stress. It was beginning to depress him and he knew the others were feeling it too.

"I'm glad for you, Spike, I really am. Things are going to work out." After he took another bite of his burger and gotten it chewed and swallowed, he looked over at Spike again. "I went to go check out the puppy breeder."

"And?"

"Nothing, well a little but not enough. Woman showed up, blonde, driving non-descript car with Georgia tags, night time, said she needed a puppy. Described what she wanted and had cash on her. The guy gave her the dog and took the money. Didn't even bother to get a name or address. Jerk." 

"Another dead end in the SB mystery."

"SB?"

"Yeah, Buffy nicknamed her."

Max shook his head at this friend. "That's not good. Nicknames lead to a comfortableness that can lead to sympathy which leads to not taking things seriously enough…"

"Max, SB stands for slut bitch. Don't think it's going to endear her to anyone."  
  


Eyes dancing, Max smiled. "Buffy is getting a cruel streak to her. Not sure if I admire it or want to mind my p's and q's around her."

"I know the feeling," Spike agreed. "Should probably do both just to stay on the safe side."

Both men laughed and turned the conversation to more banal matters as they finished their lunch. Spike was relieved to have someone a little more objective around as they talked. Maybe they would get through this holiday unscathed. 

~~~~~~~~

_November 21, 2007__ _8:52 PM____

Even the loudest volume on the remote couldn't drown out the screaming coming from Dad's study and Raven kept trying to make it go higher. She was huddled into Max's side and Sean into hers as they tried to ride out the storm. She kept praying that Elijah would continue to sleep through the fight but if they kept this up, pretty soon things would start breaking. 

"I'm sorry," Max said. "I just didn't think of talking to Spike first."

"Not your fault," Raven answered as finally something crashed and broke.

It was such a simple suggestion and it shouldn't have come to this. But her overwrought parents had finally reached their limits. All Max had said was, "Let's go play some pool." Mum had taken to it like a starving woman since she had pretty much spent the last month cooped up in the house. Dad didn't want her out in public in case she slipped into one of her episodes and Mum had accused him of being embarrassed to be seen with her. And it had escalated into a major fight from there. There were screams about Drusilla, and doing too much, and cooperation until finally the study door banged open and the three on the couch jumped in unison.

"Come back here, Buffy." 

But Mum was on a run toward the front door, turning slightly so she could watch, she saw Buffy pick up her purse and rummage through it. Raven winced because she knew what was coming next.

"Where are my car keys?" Buffy asked and then turned to rummage in the basket for Spike's keys and they weren't there either. "Where the fuck are the keys to the cars? Even the spares are gone." 

They were hidden in a place that only Spike and Raven knew. And she hated having the burden of that and what she knew was the next thing that would enrage her mother. Buffy started to punch the code in to turn the alarm off and when it beeped the message that the code was no longer valid, Raven gave up watching and hid her face against Max. Let him be the look out.

"Buffy,"

"Quit calling me Buffy, damn it. You only call me that to be condescending. Message gotten, I'm an incompetent woman that you have to take care of. Well, quit trying to be my warden and my keeper and my nurse. I don't need it. I don't want it."

"I only changed the bleedin' code so that if you wander off in the middle of the night, I would know it."

"Screw you," she screamed as she pulled the door open and ran out.

The alarm started to beep its warning and she heard Spike punching the codes in.

"Stay by the phone in case I need you," Dad called out and she told him she would as he followed his wife. 

"Great fucking holiday," Raven muttered before she burst into tears and hated herself for being selfish. 

~~~~~~~~

_November 21, 2007__ _9:05 PM____

Spike followed Buffy down the street, not really trying to catch her, just watching as she moved at an almost run and when she hesitated at the corner, he ran to catch up.

"Buffy, please, stop."

"Why should I?"

They faced off and he gave up and told the truth.

"Because I'm too knackered to chase you all over town and tomorrow's Thanksgiving and the kids shouldn't have to deal with us fighting."

Then she was in his arms and both of them were too weary and heart sick to even cry as they huddled together. 

"I'm just trying to keep you safe," he whispered as he nuzzled her hair.

"I know," Buffy answered. She hated that he had to watch her and she knew it was going to get worse; soon she would become nothing but a burden to everyone around her and that thought terrified her to no end. "Let's go home and try to have some fun with the kids."

And neither completed the sentence. Leaving off the 'before it's too late'.

TBC


	22. In the Walls

**Chapter 21 – In the Walls**

_Thanksgiving, __November 22, 2007__10:48 AM_

It was a beautiful morning, cool and crisp, with the sun hanging high in the blue sky. Buffy was humming along to the vibrations of her body, peaceful and happy from a long night of slow love making, and she wore a smile that didn't waver. After she and Spike had returned last night, they had gathered the kids (sans Elijah) and Max for board games that had gone on until after midnight. The fight had been forgotten, or at least forgiven, as laughter replaced the anger and tears of earlier.

This morning had dawned with the same mood that everyone had retired with as Buffy prepared cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Elijah had told her that every holiday his mother would make the special treat and she was determined that their holiday traditions would be blended with the ones she and Spike had, to create new ones for their family. Breakfast had been a noisy affair with everybody talking over each other as the television had shown the parade.

Everyone was downstairs waiting for her as Buffy smoothed down her dress and checked her appearance in the mirror. The new emerald green sweater dress was clingy but still comfortable to move in. She held the material against her body, above and below, her slightly protruding abdomen so she could marvel once again in the fact that she was carrying Spike's baby. He had given her a precious gift and with a pat, she once again refused to admit that the babe was anything but a miracle. 

"Buffy, hurry up," Spike shouted.

"Coming," she called back as she hurriedly grabbed her earrings. 

A shadow darted across the room and for a moment she froze as she looked behind her to see what was there. There was nothing. Buffy turned back to the mirror and fastened her earring and as she brought the other hoop to her ear, she saw two more shadows cross behind her. Startled she turned around to once again see who was there but saw no one.

"Who's there?"

No one answered but she saw the shadow as it ran along the wall. Scratching and banging surrounded her, seemingly from nowhere and within the walls at the same time. A voice, deep and angry, echoed in her head. "Hide all you want. We'll find you." The voice became garbled for a moment then returned with an ominous threat. "Kill the spawn of Satan."

Terrified Buffy's hands covered her belly in an attempt to protect her child from the shadows but  as the noises became louder she tried to drown them out by covering her ears until finally she screamed.

"Noooooo…"

~~~~~~~~

_Thanksgiving __November 22, 2007__10:56 AM___

"…oooooo."

The horrific fear came through in Buffy's scream and before she had completed it, Spike was at the top of the stairs, followed closely by Max and Raven. Sean stayed below to hold Elijah who was crying for Buffy. They burst into the empty bedroom, surprised they stood for a second looking around for her, and then Spike spotted her earring lying on the floor in front of the closet. Spike opened the door and froze at the sight of his wife. Buffy was huddled in the far corner, boxes shoved in front of her as a protective shield. She was crying hysterically and Spike dropped to his knees to crawl to her. Hesitating for a moment he turned back to his daughter and friend.

"Max, take the kids and go on. We'll be there soon," he whispered as he returned his gaze to Buffy who was plucking at the hem of her dress and hiding her face against the wall.

"They're coming, the door close, want the baby, not spawn, find me, dark hide," she rambled.

Max knelt behind his friend for a moment, "Are you sure?"

Spike nodded as he tried to approach Buffy who was trying to back into a space that would allow her no further.

"Go please, Raven," he ordered as he dismissed them from his mind and was only vaguely aware of Max dragging Raven from the room as she protested they needed to stay.

"Buffy, Baby, it's Spike."

His whispers only seemed to scare her more and he stopped his approach as she started to slam the heels of her hands against her head.

"No, have can't, my baby, belong to, we Spike." Recognition flashed in her eyes and she held her hands out to him. "Help me, noise go away. Searching, searching, tear it apart."

Spike grabbed and pulled Buffy to him, cradling her as her arms held him in a vice like grip. His hands caressed her trembling body as he whispered words of love in her ear. Her face was buried against his chest until something else happened to her and she screamed again, turning in his lap, looking for the unseen thing that was after her. 

He stood, pulling her up with him, her back against him, as he walked them back into the bedroom.

"Let's lie down and I'll hold you," he whispered.

"No, no, in walls, trying to get out, bed too close."

"Don't move," he told her as he moved in front of her but she clung to him, her hands now plucking at his shirt as tears poured down her face and her eyes darted around looking for the enemy that only she could hear or see.

Spike grabbed the footboard of the bed, prayed he didn't break it, and pulled the bed to the center of the room. He tried to pull her toward it but she muttered something about underneath it and he picked her up and placed her on the bed. Buffy immediately crawled to her side reaching underneath the mattress to pull out her knife. She retreated to the center of the mattress, holding the knife in front of her as Spike came to kneel behind her, his legs separated and on either side of hers. His arms came around her as he placed his hands over hers.

"Give me the knife, Love, so I can protect you."

At first she refused but as he soothingly reiterated his love and unwavering devotion to her, she finally gave it up and he put it on the end of the bed. Spike knew that whatever Buffy was afraid of was coming from only her mind as she dealt with another break in her grasp of reality. Yet there was the twinge of fear that maybe there really was something there. There was always the possibility of attack from things you couldn't see or hear and maybe the knife would be useless against them but at least it was something.

Eventually he managed to get her to lie down with him spooned against her. She said that was fine because he could manage anything that came up behind her while she kept watch for the shadows that wanted their child. As they lay there she would babble about the noises she heard, point out the shadows as they darted around the room, and repeat snatches of what she could hear of the voices.

Spike alone with his wife, over the next few hours, felt his own hold on sanity be stretched to the limit as he sunk lower and lower into the hell she dwelt in.

~~~~~~~

_Thanksgiving __November 22, 2007__1:15 PM___

The family was seated at several different tables that had been set up in the Harris living room to accommodate everyone. Xander carved the turkey while everyone talked. Raven sat quietly, unable to forget the picture of her mother, frightened and huddled in the closet. She jumped when Elijah tugged on her sleeve and when she turned to look at him, he burst into tears.

"I want Mummy and Daddy. I want to go home." 

Raven looked around at the adults as they tried to mask their secret wish that the Blood family would disappear and she stood throwing her napkin on the table. She picked her brother up in her arms and turned to leave the room. Sean stood to follow her but Raven changed her mind. She wasn't going to just comfort Elijah so they could return to dinner. She wanted to go home, too. Raven handed Eli to Sean and came to stand by the table again.

"I'm taking my brother and going home," she announced.

"Raven, honey," Max said as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Let's go settle Elijah down and we'll talk."

"No, I don't want to be here while my parents are at home alone while everyone ignores that. God only knows what's happening there and no one, not one of you has gotten off your ass to go and check on them. I'm a kid and so is Sean and its not fair that that we have to deal with this all the time while you all try to deny what's going on."

Everyone froze as Raven started to cry as hard as Elijah and Max wrapped his arm around her and tried to get her to leave the room. She shook off the arm and pushed him away.

"I'm going to say this because someone has to." Her eyes looked around the room at her family, meeting their eyes so she could be sure they knew she was talking to them. In a way she understood why they weren't around that much anymore but she was hurt and at the end of her patience just like her parents. "It's like when we came over and told everyone what had happened, I could sense the almost relief from everyone. It's like you said, 'well, we know what's wrong, now we don't have to wonder anymore'. You've given up. You have something to tag it with. I heard the whispers, schizophrenia, she's insane and now you all just want to Mrs. Rochester her. Forget about her. This is Buffy, we're talking about. I've heard it from all of you, the times she's saved you and died for you and now you're just going to shut her away."

"No one said that," Kate told her quietly.

"You didn't have to. My father, Spike, is taking care of us kids, the house, taking care of Buffy and still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. He's not getting any sleep, neither of them is but they haven't given up. They won't because they love each other too much. Not like all of you. We get phone calls and Xander and Anya take Elijah and feed us but who's been to the house. Who's taken Buffy out on her good days? Who's volunteered to stay at the house so that Spike can go out alone or fucking sleep in peace for a few hours? The only one that has is Dawn, surprise, surprise; the family outcast has been there."

"Raven, calm down," Max said.

"No, I won't. It's like today. Buffy wanted this at the house but, no, because you all are afraid to be around her, we're crammed in here like sardines. And do you know she cried because the plans were changed. You want to hear my opinion on why she broke today?"

"I'm sure you're going to tell us," Xander said.

"The stress of trying to be perfect for you all. To be the same old Buffy because none of you can handle what is happening to her. Guess what, people, it's not contagious."

Raven took one last look around the room before marching out the front door. 

~~~~~~~

_Thanksgiving __November 22, 2007___

For a moment, stunned silence followed Raven's exit, as everyone looked guiltily around at each other. 

"I'm with her," Sean said as he followed her still holding Elijah.

Max was the next to stand. "They need a ride home," he said as he headed for the door.

"I'm going with them," Connor said.

Dawn and Josh stood but Angel raised his hands as if in surrender and they stopped to see what he was doing.

"Out of the mouths of babes," Angel said. "She's right. It's supposed to be a day for family. Pack it up; we're going to their house."

"You're kidding right? You want us to pack up all the food and move it?" Anya asked.

"Yes."

"Now hold on, Dead boy, this is Sunnydale and you don't give orders around here. If Buffy and Spike are out of the loop then those decisions fall to…" Xander said.

"Us," Willow finished. When Xander gave her a funny look she added, "Hey, I'm part of the original Scoobies and therefore qualified to lead."

"Quit arguing and let's start packing this up." Giles said.

And with the decision made the family went to work to pack up the food and children for the migration to the Blood house.

~~~~~~~

_Thanksgiving __November 22, 2007__1:40 PM___

It took several trips before everything and everyone was in house. Xander and Angel were setting up the tables and the food heated up when Willow slipped upstairs. Raven's words had cut her deeply because she knew she had been avoiding coming to see Buffy. The holidays were here and she was wrapped up in spending them with Tara and Jacob. Watching her best friend fall apart was too much for her. 

When she stepped into the room, Spike looked over his shoulder at her then buried his face in Buffy's hair. In the momentary flash of his eyes she could see the exhaustion and the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. His body shuddered as he tightened his hold on his wife as she began to whine and burrow closer to him. Willow sat on the edge of the bed and rested her hand on his hip.

"Spike, what can we do?"

Spike just shook his head and didn't turn to look at her as she caressed his leg. Whether he liked it or not he needed to get out of here for a little while. When Max and Raven had told them what had happened she didn't think that it would have lasted this long. She had figured that Spike would calm Buffy down and it would be over. Guilt filled her at the knowledge that they had been huddled together for hours.

"Let me watch her while you go downstairs and see your children. They need you." Willow whispered. "And you need a break."

At first she didn't think he heard her but his slow nod preceded his loosening his arm from around Buffy and as he did she started to cry.

"No, no, need Spike, protector, need, die without."

"Here," Willow said and crawled to the end of the bed then back up between them. Each inch taken and given until the red head was nestled between them. Willow's position mimicking Spike's with her arm tight around her friend. Spike gently kissed her on the cheek before he left the room.

"Spike," Buffy cried piteously as she felt his absence. "Stay, baby, need."

Looking over her shoulder, Willow saw Spike hesitate but she shook her head.

"Buffy, it's me, Willow. I'll take care of you. I promise. Spike will be back soon."

Somehow it settled Buffy down as her hand closed over her friend's.

"Wllow, protector too, life, bring me, Spike, power, power in your fingertips." Buffy nodded her head and then in the rambling broken way she explained the shadows to her new protector.

Suddenly a shadow fell across the bed and Willow almost screamed before she realized it was Angel.

"Go downstairs, Willow, you have a small child and should be with him. Besides I don't eat."

"Does Spike know?"

"It'll be fine," Angel reassured her.

Willow vacillated for a moment but the vampire was already moving onto the bed and she relented. She told him how the shift had to go and he gave her a strange look but followed the instructions, slowly coming up between the two women until Willow had to let go. She rose as Buffy settled into Angel's arms and with only a backward glance to make sure that Buffy had adjusted, Willow made her way downstairs. The first thing she did was find Spike to make sure it was okay but as soon as she appeared in the living room, he headed her way.

"You left Buffy alone?"

"No, no, Angel is up there with her."

"You left her with Angel?" Spike snarled at her. He started toward the stairs but Willow grabbed his arm.

"Spike, let it go. He wants to help and your children need you with them right now."

"Daddy, please, stay," Raven said as came into the hallway. 

With a last look upstairs, Spike reluctantly agreed and Willow hugged him then with Raven on the other side they led him into dinner.

~~~~~~~

_Thanksgiving __November 22, 2007__3:15 PM___

Buffy was finally asleep, somewhere in her rambling speech, she had given into the exhaustion of her body. Angel held her close to him as he allowed himself to relax in this room he had never been in before. It was one place he had avoided, never venturing upstairs in all the years they had lived here. Their scent was strong in this room, combined and joined so deeply, he could barely tell them apart. Lying in their marriage bed was tearing him apart as her words echoed through his mind. Realizing that Willow was no longer there, he had told her he would protect her, but she refused to believe him. And finally he learned how much he had hurt her. The words of betrayal, loss, innocence, death and fear tumbling from her mouth as she spoke of him and her cries for her husband so opposite, forever, love, protection, strength. For the first time Angel knew how much he had lost by having such little faith in their love.

And it would be Buffy and Spike's belief in their love that would somehow bring them through this time and Angel vowed that he would do everything he could to help them. To set things right and not just give words to bandage the years of pain and tension between them. To do whatever it would take to get them, all of them, through this. 

Angel knew he was in the room before he spoke. Spike slid into the bed on the other side of Buffy and he tensed. His hand was clasped between Buffy's small ones and he waited for the anger from his Childe but all he could feel was the hurt radiating through Spike's being. Angel left his eyes closed and remained still knowing Spike could tell that he was awake.

A kiss woke Buffy and she stirred in his arms as Spike took one of her hands from his.

"Hi," Spike said.

"Hey, who is…?"

"It's Angel. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. What time is it?" 

She sounded sleepy and confused but she didn't pull away from his embrace and Angel was beginning to be uncomfortable just because neither of them seemed to be.

"It's mid-afternoon." Spike told her and when she sobbed, "Shh, its okay. The day isn't completely gone. The children are just going to be happy to see you."

She nodded as she pulled her hand from his and as his hand slipped to her waist still neither of them pulled away.

"May I?" Buffy whispered. 

Angel rose up on his elbow to find out what she was asking for. For a moment he was confused as he watched her unbutton Spike's sleeve and pushed it upwards. Amazement flooded him when he saw the puncture wounds that Buffy was softly caressing. Hurriedly Angel made his mind register that she was still warm and that her heart was beating. 

"I wish I could," she said as her fingers moved to caress her husband's neck, "drink from here."

Words refused to come to him as he met Spike's eyes and he saw the sadness in the blue depths but there was also a warning not to hurt Buffy there as well. As his Childe switched to game face and brought his wrist to his mouth, Angel grabbed it. Anger vibrated in the air for his interference but he ignored it.

"Sit up, Spike," he commanded, "against the headboard." Spike didn't move as confusion clouded his face. "For her."

Angel sat up facing Spike as he followed his Sire's command and Buffy shifted to the other side of Spike. She looked from one vampire to the other and when Spike turned his head to the side she smiled. His Childe resumed his human guise as Angel switched to his demon.  Slowly he leaned forward and sank his fangs into Spike's neck and as his Childe's blood flowed down his throat Angel felt a connection that he hadn't felt in a long time and it was gratifying to feel it once more. Then she was there between them, impatient in her need, and Angel eased back as he helped Buffy settle herself. For a moment he watched them as she drank and Spike's hands flowed over her body and whispered words of love. It was beauty incarnate and Angel knew that they belonged together. 

"Don't let her take too much." Angel whispered as his hand squeezed Spike's shoulder and once he received a nod, he stood. "I'm going to go down and get her some food."

He left them in their bonding and comfort, feeling almost bereft from not being a part of them.

~~~~~~~

_Thanksgiving __November 22, 2007__3:40 PM___

Weakened Spike had broken her connection hating that he had stop her but knew that she was taking too much. She pressed a tissue to his throat until the flow stopped as they kissed soft and quick over and over.

"I love you," she whispered before she slipped from his arms.

Spike continued to lie on the bed as she moved around the room, watching her change from the dress to a pair of black velour jogging pants and a long sleeve t-sheet in the same color. She moved to her vanity to brush her hair up into a pony tail before returning to him, sitting cross legged next to him. Her hand rested on his stomach as her eyes searched his. 

"That wasn't feeding, was it?" 

"No, it was the need of a Childe for the comfort of their Sire or one mate for another," Angel said re-entering the room.  He walked over to them and handed Buffy a plate of food while handing a glass of juice to Spike. "I thought you might be weak so I brought you some orange juice."

"Thanks," Spike said as he accepted the glass and sat up. "Did you tell anyone?"

Angel shook his head as he settled onto the bed with them. For a moment the tension was there again but it fell away as Spike took a drink and Buffy began to eat the sandwich.

"How long?" Angel asked.

"Last Saturday, she fed but each day has been less. Yesterday not at all but she's been," Spike hesitated to squeeze her hand, "checking the wounds to make sure they're still there. And then tonight."

"Anything else?" 

"I'm right here, Angel, don't talk like I'm not." 

"Sorry, I just…making sure you're all right."

"No, not anything other than the other symptoms you already know about. Not like she's avoiding daylight or wants to sleep in a coffin or anything." Spike attempted a smile but it fell as short as his joke. "Seriously, nothing else other than the drinking of blood."

"I'm going to go down and see the kids," Buffy said as she leaned over to kiss Spike. "I love you. Will you be down soon?"

"Yeah, Love, soon." 

The two vampires watched as she walked out of the room before turning to look at each other.

"You can't keep feeding her."

"I know. Hopefully, it won't come to making a decision."

"What kind of decision are you talking about? If she does need it then you need to wean her to bags."

Spike bristled at the authoritative tone that Angel used. It really wasn't any of the poof's business what they did.

"I'll handle it." 

"She's not a vampire, Spike. The baby is most likely causing this need and you need to handle it responsibly instead of going off half-cocked and killing to bring her food."

Spike stood and walked to look out the window leaving his back toward Angel. "I know." He turned around with a look of resignation on his face. "Come on, let's head downstairs. Let's enjoy this bloody holiday these Americans enjoy so much. Besides your wife was looking a little upset that you were spending the day in bed with your ex-girlfriend."

"You don't seem too upset by it."

"Doesn't really matter as much as I thought it did. It's me she loves and if you get some weirdo thrill out of holding her then go for it."

And as they made their way downstairs, Spike realized that it really didn't matter that much, he found he was grateful that Angel had been there and to give Buffy the comfort she needed.  Maybe there was some use for his Sire after all.

TBC


	23. Shadows of My Mind

**Chapter 22 – Shadows of My Mind**

_November 26, 2007__ _9:15 AM____

"Hi, Buffy, how are you doing today?" Dr. Parker said as she bustled into the exam room. She looked around. "Where is Spike? I thought he was going to come to all the appointments."

"He's in the waiting room. I wanted to talk to you about something."

Buffy's fingers played with the paper curtain around her waist, slowly tearing it, using it as a focal point so she wouldn't have to look at her doctor.

"Is this something that Spike doesn't know about?"

"No, no, he knows, it's just that…"

"You want to hear my opinion and decide how much you want to tell him," Dr. Parker finished. 

It sounded a lot worse when the doctor put it like that, and Buffy flushed under the knowledge that was exactly what she wanted to do. It wasn't totally selfish because her motive was to protect Spike from anymore hurt but then it was his wife and baby and he did have the right to know everything.

"Yeah, it was but I guess it's not really fair."

Dr. Parker laughed, "Do you want me to go and get him?"

"Yeah," Buffy answered and smiled.

It took only a few moments for the doctor to go to the waiting room and bring a relieved Spike into the exam room.

"It's like pregnant heaven out there," he said, "and I felt like the odd man out, with my stomach not swollen and everything." He took up residence in his chair, relaxing as he looked between the two women.

They both laughed at his comment as Dr. Parker settled onto her stool and opened Buffy's file.

"So, what is up, young lady?"

"I've been having an unusual craving." Buffy hesitated for a moment, unsure of the response that she would get. "It's blood."

To her credit and Buffy's relief, her doctor didn't show much of a reaction to Buffy's statement, only the slight raising of her brows.

"And have you been drinking it?"

"Yeah, I've been drinking from Spike."

"Ahhh, is that why you didn't want him in here, because you wanted to ask if you were turning into a vampire?" The doctor polite and gentle smile allowed Buffy to relax for the first time since getting there.

"You were worried about that?" Spike asked. His brows knitted together as he looked at her in astonishment.

Buffy nodded her head, unable to speak past the lump in her throat as she fought back the tears that were stinging her eyes. Spike stood and wrapped his arms around her, rubbing his hands up and down her back. She leaned into her husband, thankful for the comfort that he was giving her.

"It doesn't happen like that. There is no way you are becoming a vampire."

"Spike's right. The baby conceived from a vampire maybe causing the cravings due to its own genetic makeup or you may have been craving it simply from a lack of iron."

"Really?" Buffy smiled. "It's not like I don't know how vampires are made but you and Angel were both talking about me taking on the characteristics of a vampire and I guess my imagination went into overdrive."

"Angel?" Dr. Parker asked.

"He's my Sire," Spike replied and sat back down but never letting go of Buffy's hand.

"Buffy, you are married to a vampire. You're a Slayer. You know the habits and characteristics of being a vampire. Plus you did the ritual and you basically lived Spike's life in fast motion. If you're feeling fragile, it's logical that you would fall back on what you know and what you may feel would bond you to Spike even more. Have you talked to Sara about all this?"

"No, not yet, my next appointment is Wednesday."

"Talk to her. She'll be able to help you with this more than I could but back to the craving for blood. Like I said, it could be the baby causing it or your iron count was low. So, we are going to treat what we can. I'm going to give you some new prenatal vitamins that I prescribe to women who are chronically anemic to give you extra iron."  Dr. Parker said as she reached for some papers that was hanging in files on the counter. She handed one to Buffy. "This is a list of high iron foods that I want you to start eating. Now, "she turned her to attention to Spike. "You can't keep letting her drink your blood or you're going to do some harm to yourself. I want you to start taking iron supplements yourself because I know you're not going to listen to me. Be careful though and try to supplement it with human blood."

"We have pig's blood in the house." Buffy said.

"No, no, for either of you," Dr. Parker shook her head at them. "I'm surprised that Kate hasn't said something. Spike, now that you have a human body you can pick up all sorts of diseases from pig's blood, so, human blood from now on. I'll call Kate later and arrange for you all to get some on a regular basis."

"Thank, Dr. Parker, I…we appreciate it." 

"No problem, okay, unless there is something else, let's proceed with the exam."

Buffy lay back on the table, reaching for Spike's hand, as Dr. Parker began to measure her stomach for the baby's growth. She felt a lot better since talking to the doctor. Even though they were pretty sure that it was the baby that was causing the craving, it felt good to know that it might actually have a simple explanation also. It made it easier to keep loving her baby.

~~~~~~

_November 26, 2007__ _1:17 PM____

Mentally checking off the list in her head, Buffy grabbed the needed socks from his drawer and returned to the bed where there was an open duffel bag and garment bag. She packed the socks into the duffel bag and headed for the closet to get his suits and shirts. As she situated them in the garment bag, Spike returned to the room with a small bag with his toiletries in them. Holding her hand out, he gave it to her so she could nestle it in the smaller bag.

"You know you don't have to do this for me," Spike said. A warm smile plastered on his face as he plopped onto the bed and leaned against the headboard. 

Buffy playfully pinched his leg and smiled. "But I like doing little domestic wifey things for you. It makes me feel like Samantha or something sending you off on a business trip with Larry."

"You make it sound like you just want to get rid of me."

Spike tried to pull her down onto his lap but she pulled away.

"Let me get this finished." Buffy ticked off on her fingers as she went through her mental list of everything he would need for his trip to New York to meet with his publisher and for his first book signing. "The navy blue suit is for the business meeting, the black suit is for the television appearance and the faded jeans and black turtleneck is for the signing. And I threw in a couple of extra jeans and shirts."

"You take such good care of me." Spike mocked as she zipped up the two bags. As soon as she was done, he held his arms out. "Now, will you give me some?"

"Oh, does my husband, the television star, still want his plain little wife that he left behind in California," Buffy teased as she settled onto his lap. She wiggled a little, enjoying the instant reaction against her hip, her arms looped around his neck. "I guess you do."

"No one else but you will do, Baby. No one. And besides I'm not a star yet. I'm the last guest and I am only going to be on there for two minutes. Show the book, say my name and that's it, time to roll the credits."

"So, I'm safe until you're the main guest, huh?"

"Something like that," Spike teased her as he moved her onto her back and he covered her with his body.

Buffy's fingers drifted through her husband's locks and bent her leg allowing him greater access to the treasure between her thighs. His lips teased at her neck as his fingers kneaded her bottom, sending a haze of need coursing through Buffy's body. It still wasn't real that he was leaving her for three days and she was afraid of being without him. But she refused to say anything to him that would make him cancel and she knew he would if she asked. 

"I love you, Baby. Take care of yourself over there. She might be there and planning something."

The stalker had sent a dozen roses to the house that morning. The note attached offered congratulations and support for Spike's trip and it had made her nervous. SB was becoming increasingly bolder and more familiar with each note. Spike was going to be out in the open and there was always the chance that she would plan some kind of meeting with him. Barney had offered a bodyguard but it had been turned down. Spike felt that a bodyguard would actually be more a hindrance if something would happen and he would be unable to use his vampire abilities to protect himself.

Spike rose up on his elbows to look down at her. "It's going to be okay. I promise."

"I know you can take care of yourself. Don't get me wrong. I just don't like you being away from me."

"Do you want me to stay?" 

His hands were gentle as they brushed her hair back from her face. Buffy knew he would offer and she hated that she had shown weakness to him. Not today.

"No, I want you to go. Do what you need to do. Enjoy it and we'll be fine." She smiled up at her husband, using her happy grin to appease his worry. "I'll be fine."

Spike growled softly before kissing her finally. It was soft and coaxing as if he was memorizing the curve of them and the sweet pull that he always felt when he kissed her. A small electric charge that he could feel flashing down his body and ending in his groin, every time even after all these years. Each time was momentous in that she was his and would allow him to taste such glory.  His tongue dipped and retreated into the warmth recesses of her mouth as she tried to capture it with her teeth. It was a familiar game that usually ended with them giggling and wrestling and today was no different as they played knowing that it couldn't end in the love making that they really wanted. Giles as well the limousine to pick Spike up were on the way and time didn't permit them the release they both needed. And just as Buffy was rolling Spike onto his back a knock sounded on the door.

"Let's go," Spike sighed as they stood. He grabbed his bag as Buffy took his hand and led him downstairs. At the bottom of the stairs, he put his bags down as she opened the door.

Giles stood at the door, with his hands in his pockets. Next to him was an unfamiliar man in a black suit.

"Hello, I'm here to pick up Mr. Blood," the stranger said as Giles stepped into the house.

"That's me," Spike said. "Give me just one minute."

The driver nodded and took the bags out to the car. As soon as he was down the steps Spike shut the door.

"Call me if anyone needs me," he said. "Giles, take care of them for me."

"I will," the Watcher said. "Have fun in New York and just remember that everyone will be watching you."

"Thanks, I so appreciate that Rupert."

Buffy wrapped her arms around her husband, wanting and needing one last embrace before she sent him away. She sent a grateful look to Giles as he turned to head into the living room giving the couple a moment alone to say good-bye.

"I love you, Pet," Spike whispered. He loosened her arms from around him and knelt on the floor at Buffy's feet. 

Buffy eyes filled with tears as he pulled her shirt up and tugged her pants down so he could converse with their baby. Moments like these made her realize how much her vampire had changed over the years. He was still as tough as ever but he was no longer afraid to let his tender side show. She loved it that he had opened himself so much for her and their family. The family he had said he never wanted but now lived for.  

"You behave yourself," he whispered to her tummy. "I love you and so does Mummy but I'm going to be gone for a few days and I need you not to give her a hard time when I'm not around. Take care of her for me."

Spike placed a soft kiss on her belly, before rising to pull Buffy to him in a searing kiss that she felt all the way to her toes. She swore that she wouldn't cry. She wouldn't do that to him. She would leave him with a smile. And when they broke the kiss, she wished him luck and told him how much she loved him and sent him on his way. She stayed at the door until the car was gone so that his last view of home would be her smiling and waving to him.

After the car was out of view, Buffy sighed and headed to the living room. Giles had made himself comfortable on the couch and she sat beside him.

"Where's Benjamin?"

It was the way that her former Watcher hesitated and cleaned his glasses that made her wary.

"I left him with Tara at the shop for the afternoon." Giles explained without looking at her.

Giles didn't want to be alone with his baby while watching the crazy woman. The pain was sharp as his words cut through her heart. Buffy had assumed that if anyone would be able to handle what was happening to her it was Giles but apparently she had been wrong. She stood quickly and looked down at him.

"Make yourself at home, Giles. I'm going to go the basement and practice yoga. If you feel the need to watch me, go for it, otherwise I'll be down there for about an hour or so."

"Buffy, don't be angry. It's not like that. We just felt that it would be better if the baby wasn't here and I could be fully available for you if you needed it."

Even with the logical explanation it still hurt because she was being denied her friends now that they had been turned into her guards. Buffy had been looking forward to an afternoon of playing with Benjamin and visiting with Giles and now it had become a watch and wait game to see if she would have an episode. Knowing that it wasn't his fault, Buffy kissed the older man on the cheek.

"I know Giles. Thank you for coming over. I'm still going to go downstairs. Like I said make yourself at home and hopefully nothing will happen on your shift."

Smiling gently, Buffy left Giles sitting there as she made her way down stairs. It was getting lonelier by the minute and it was only going to get worse.

~~~~~~~~~

_November 26, 2007__ _1:42 PM____

Buffy spread the mats across the floor, trying to shake off the bad feelings leftover from her encounter with Giles, and when the mats were down, she took a deep breath to try and focus. The yoga instructor at Tara's school had put together a series of poses that were to help her both maintain her physical shape and to help her become more grounded in the world around her. She moved through the poses precisely and deliberately, letting each one give her the result that it was meant to give. After the routine was done and she had completed her cool down, she settled on the mat in the lotus position. The lights had been dimmed and a candle sent a soothing scent drifting in the air as she let her mind slip into a meditative state.

Tara had suggested that she try meditating again to gain focus and hopefully keep her from having or reducing her episodes. Today she let her breathing fall into a deep and steady rhythm as her mind floated freely. Trying not to force herself into any one place would help reveal what was going on inside of her.

A smile curved Buffy's lips as she found herself in the middle of a field with a clear night sky above her. It was like black velvet with stars so bright and close, making her feel that she could just reach up and take a hold of one. The smell of a fire burning made her scan the horizon and on the edge of the field was a small farm house. A fantasy weaved with her vision of her and Spike living here, so far away from everything and everyone, free to be only themselves and to enjoy and love each other unreservedly. Anticipation hummed along her nerve endings as she ran joyfully toward the house, laughter echoed around her, and she knew it was her that sounded so childish and free. She didn't even hesitate at the door, this was for her, and she stepped into the house.

Immediately a stifling heat and an overwhelming stench assaulted her as she stepped into the living room. Gagging she wanted to leave this place but she knew what caused the smell and she couldn't stop her feet from taking her to the source. Room to room she wandered until she came into the kitchen. The table still held the dinner that wasn't finished and her eyes slowly became focused to the near darkness but she knew this was where the odor originated. It was in this room and her hand fumbled for the light switch. Light flooded the room and nausea overwhelmed her as the two bodies on the floor became startlingly clear in the harsh illumination. The man and woman stared unseeingly at the ceiling, their throats torn open.

Wrenching free from the vision, Buffy ran for the sink and vomited her lunch into the basin. Her body refused to quit rebelling until everything was gone. She looked toward the stairs, hoping that Giles hadn't heard her; reached for a paper towel to wipe her face and hands. After cleaning up she slid along the washer until she was sitting on the floor. She wondered if Dawn was right about the ritual. That somehow her mind had been fractured and now it was slowly breaking open and her conscience was becoming lost in Spike's memories. 

TBC


	24. Tracing Time

**Chapter 23 – Tracing Time**

_November 27, 2007__ _3:47 PM____

Raven and the Scoobettes were sitting around the Blood's kitchen table, mapping out their strategy for the afternoon. The plans to change the world were just getting more detailed as the Slayer and her best friend studied twentieth century history and was given encouragement by Delores. Buffy watched their meeting with an amused smile remembering once when she and her Scoobies had been just as enthusiastic about winning the world from evil. These days she wondered if it had all been in vain as the darkness came ever closer to her.

"So, what are you all doing today," Buffy asked, leaning against the counter and holding her glass of juice.

"We are going shopping," Raven replied.

"Evil of the world flee in terror, Raven has Daddy's credit card."

The young people, their surrogate grandmother and one demon laughed as they looked up at her. It made Buffy feel good to have them around. Their new energy for the fight and the new perspectives on the world really did give her hope when she let it.

"Oh, Mum, we are all going shopping at the mall. Even Clem," Raven explained. "You know take him into the mainstream Christmas shopping. It was Delores' idea."

"Ahhh, lunch counter movement," Buffy said.

"Exactly," Delores responded.

The group stood and Raven came over to Buffy and hugged her.

"Willow called and she'll be a little late. Giles already knows and said he could stay. You going to be okay with Elijah? I'd take him but…" Raven said.

"No, it's okay. Go, do your thing, Elijah and I are going to take over the backyard anyway. Move our game out into the open."

Raven laughed and hugged her mother again. "I don't what exactly you and Eli are doing in this game but it's keeping him happy. I love you and we'll be home in time for dinner."

"Love you, too, Baby," Buffy told her as Raven headed for the door.

Buffy laughed as suddenly she was hugged by her son, Connor, Dawn and Josh, each in turn before they left. None of them had any fear or reservations about being around her. They took each day in stride and didn't treat her any differently except for some extra coddling. It made her feel a lot older than she was, more of a real mom age to their youth. It was okay though because she didn't feel twenty-six anymore as life forced her into a maturity that she wasn't sure she was ready for. 

~~~~~~~~

_November 27, 2007__ _4:52 PM____

Raven and Delores took a seat on the bench in the mall. The iced coffee they had gotten to share was on the bench between them while they began to munch on specialty cookies. From where they were they had a clear view of the others in the music store. 

"What did you want to talk about?" Raven asked. Delores had pulled her aside and suggested they talk. While it had her curiosity up, it also made her nervous because she thought she might have done something to upset the older woman. 

"I just wanted to check in on you. See how you were doing."

The teen laughed and picked up the drink to postpone having to answer. What could she say? That she was scared to death that the woman she'd just accepted as her mother would be lost to insanity. That her future baby brother or sister was some kind of demon and would have to be destroyed after everybody had waited for it to be born. That she missed her Dad like crazy because he was the rock of the family and no one else could really handle her mother besides him.  That when her parents found out that Sean is gay, they'd kick him out, so she had to hold onto his secret which made her feel guilty for lying to her parents. That she was in love with a man six years older than her and would do anything if he'd asked her to. That she was tired of trying to keep up her schoolwork and slaying and trying to change the world. That she was tired of living a life she couldn't be open about. And, oh yeah, sometimes she just wanted to run away and be alone instead of living in a crowded house where there was no privacy.

In the end, Raven did what she always did. She denied everything. She was the Slayer and they weren't allowed to be human, the world was on her shoulders and she had to take care of everybody and make sure they were happy. And the hell with how she was feeling about it.

"I'm fine, Del, you know me, I can handle it all."

"Bullshit, Raven. You can't. No one can. So, let's take it a little slower. How's it going with you and Connor?"

"Friends," Raven answered, her eyes searching the store for him. Her eyes softened and a smile danced on her lips at the sight of him joking with Josh about something. "Friends for now but every once in a while there's this thing that happens that, you know, shows that one day there will be more. So, I'm happy with it."

"How's the slaying going?"

"Slaying…ummm, my training is going really good. Patrolling can be a pain in the ass. Repetitive mostly but sometimes the adrenaline rush is cool when you know that you saved somebody." Raven chuckled. "And when Connor goes with me it's definitely fun."

"And how are you handling your mother's problems? Look, I know it's none of my business, really, but I care about you and your family." Delores sighed. "I watched you and Buffy today. It was like you were the adult and she was the kid."

The Slayer turned to look at her friend before turning to look at the floor. It was true, well, at least since Spike had left that she felt like she had to make sure that everything was okay. To run interference when there was stress between anybody in the house and trying to appease everyone.

"Sometimes it feels that way but mostly it's just checking things off. And most of the time she's fine and still in Mum mode which is cool because it's then that she still takes care of us. I know that with Dad gone, she's stressed out because everyone is just putting her under a microscope waiting for something to happen. It's like relax people, you can't tell, it's like a light switch, one minute she's Buffy and then next she's dark Mummy. Elijah calls her that. All she wants is to be with her friends and Dad and us and have a good time. So, I like to make sure everything is smooth."

"Big burden for one so young," Delores replied, running her hand down Raven's hair and patting her back.

"So, is slaying and you just do what you have to do. Come on; let's go catch up with the others."

"Catch up with Connor, you mean."

Raven grinned because it was true. She appreciated the chance to talk to Delores a little and know that someone else cared but right now, she was fifteen, she was in the mall with Connor, and she wanted to have some fun before going home.

~~~~~~~~~

_November 27, 2007__ _5:15 PM____

The house was quiet as Willow walked in. There were no sounds of laughter from the kids, no television blaring and no puppy skittering down the hallway to check out who was there. It was eerily quiet and the witch hesitated in the front hall trying to ascertain if everything was all right before venturing any further. She almost jumped when she finally did hear a noise, a tea cup clinking against a saucer and Willow relaxed. Giles and from the sound of it he was in the kitchen. Hurrying she made her way down the hallway, her heels sounding unusually loud on the wood floor.

"Hey, Giles, where is everybody? Had me scared there for a minute, I thought the house was empty." 

The Watcher looked up at her with so much sadness in his eyes that Willow once again thought something had happened. A bark from the backyard led the red head to the window to see if that was where everyone was. Candy was running madly around the yard with some kind of cape tied to her back, and after emitting a small gasp, Willow accepted the sight before her. Buffy and Elijah were building a mud castle in the middle of the back yard. The grass was torn up to make room for their creation and around them were a dozen action figures and Barbie dolls. 

"What are they doing?" Willow turned to look at Giles but he had come up beside her without her even noticing.

"Playing some type of imaginary game. Raven said it started last weekend but it has been getting more elaborate every day."

"What did Buffy say about it?"

"Just that she was playing with her child and it was none of my business what the game was."

"Ouch. Is she…you know?" Willow looked up the man who considered himself Buffy's father, knowing that he had to be hurt by her words. And as much as she hated to admit in a way Willow hoped that Buffy was having an episode so that it wouldn't hurt the Watcher as much.

"No, she's not. This might be a symptom of everything, the wanting to play like a child, but no she is clearly lucid. And actually, maybe, we shouldn't read so much into it. If she is afraid that she might lose this battle, maybe she wants to spend as much time with Elijah as possible, to leave him with good memories."

"Yeah, that would definitely leave him remembering her with good feelings. My parents certainly never did things like that. So, we take this as a good thing and not something to worry about. Right?"

Giles placed an arm around the woman that he also considered a daughter and laughed softly.

"Yeah, we won't borrow trouble until we have to, so yes, this will be a good thing."

~~~~~~~~~

_November 27, 2007__ _5:55 PM____

After a quick glance at her watch, Buffy turned to her son, "Time to start cleaning up. You need to get in the bathtub while I find something for dinner."

"Hot dogs," Elijah responded hopefully.

Laughing at her son's easy appetite, she began to put the dolls in the crate for them to be washed off later. The mud they had been building their castle with had gotten all over everything.

"Maybe," Buffy said. "Maybe chili dogs and french fries."

"Yeah."

The two had finished putting the dolls in the crate and Buffy told Elijah to put them on the back porch while she gathered the gardening tools to be washed also. Whistling for Candy, Buffy untied the cape from her back before telling her to do her business before they went in. The back door slammed shut and Buffy looked up to see Willow coming her way. Taking in her friend's neat and business like attire; Buffy unconsciously wiped the mud from her hands and looked away. 

"Hey, Buffy, looks like you guys are finishing up."  
  


"We are. Eli needs to take a bath while I fix dinner."

"Sounds good. It's gonna be dark soon."

The remark was probably just a random comment but to Buffy, it was an insult, a comment that meant she was incompetent. Straightening she turned to her friend.

"Look, I know it's going to be dark soon. That's why we are cleaning up. I know that Elijah needs to take a bath and that I need to find something for dinner. And I know that grown ups aren't supposed to play in the mud. All right? I'm fine and I don't need you to mother me." Buffy held her arms to her son and when he rushed to her side, she picked him up and hurried into the house, leaving Willow to stare after her.   
  
"You okay, Mummy?"

"Yeah, Sweetie, Mummy's fine. Just tired that's all."

It took only a few minutes to get the tub running and her son into the water with some bath toys before she moved across the hall to change her clothes. The quick wash she gave her hands and face would have to do until she had time for a shower later. 

"Buffy, I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you." Willow said, standing nervously in the doorway to the master bedroom.  "I just don't seem to know what to do or say anymore."

Buffy sighed as she pulled a clean T-shirt over her head and reached for a pair of Spike's sweat pants. Big and comfy was all she was looking for, she told herself, trying to still get over the feeling that she was unattractive. The comfortable clothes, the growing stomach, the desire not even to put make up on anymore. Tears gathered in her eyes when she remembered calling herself plain in front of Spike and he hadn't argued with her. And there Willow stood, in her nice suit, fixed hair and perfect make up on, trying to tell her that Buffy was making her nervous. Buffy could feel the dizzy feeling coming over her. It was funny that it always happened when she was really stressed or really relaxed but this time she fought it.

"Go home, Willow, take your stuff and leave," Buffy said, turning to sit on the edge of the bed. She didn't want her friends to be her guards. She wanted them to be friends. There had to be another way.

"No, I'm not. I told Spike that I would stay and I will. I said I was sorry and I am."  
  


"Willow, go home, while we are still friends." Willow walked toward her and it was too much. She couldn't do this anymore. If this kept up, she may as well be in an institution being monitored twenty-four hours a day. Her emotions bubbled over and she couldn't seem to stop the words that came next. "Get the fuck out of my house before I call the police and have you thrown out."

This time Willow left, turning her on her perfect little heels and clacking down the hall. Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and stood to go and help her son finish his bath. 

~~~~~~~~~

_November 27, 2007__ _6:25 PM____

Willow hadn't left. She couldn't leave Buffy and Elijah alone, so she sat in the rocker on the front porch and waited. She had called Xander first, hoping that he could talk to Buffy and the other call was to Raven who was already on the way home. A quick protection spell was put on Elijah, just in case, because Willow wasn't sure if Buffy was just tired and cranky or if she was slipping into an episode. Either way she knew her presence was only making the situation worse. 

The first night had gone all right. The two friends had talked, trying to get caught up on things that were happening in the family, talked about everything but what was happening to Buffy. Willow knew that Buffy felt like she was being watched all the time and had tried to stay away from any remarks that could be construed as her thinking Buffy wasn't in control. From what she had seen Buffy was in control. Maybe just stressed and she wasn't sure what had upset Buffy tonight. 

Sighing, Willow rested her head on the back of the chair and listened to the sounds from in the house; Buffy and Elijah talking, the radio coming on, and Candy barking about something. With relief the minivan pulled into the driveway with Connor at the wheel. Everyone climbed out and hurried toward the house with worried expressions. As they gathered on the porch, Xander's car pulled in. 

"What happened? Are they all right?" Raven asked.

"They're fine. I think they're in the kitchen fixing dinner. She kicked me out and said she'd call the police to make me leave if I didn't." Willow explained.

"Did the two of you fight or something?" Xander asked as he joined everyone.

Willow shook her head. "Buffy and Elijah were playing in the backyard and I went out to talk to them and let Buffy know I was here and I said something about it getting dark and she snapped. I mean snapped at me, not, you know, snapped."

As Willow talked to the others and they tried to figure out what was going on, they didn't notice Delores slipping into the house.

~~~~~~~~

_November 27, 2007__ _6:35 PM____

After placing a kiss on her son's head and a plate of raw vegetables on the table at the same time, Buffy smiled before returning to the stove to stir the chili. She looked up as Delores walked into the room and felt relief flood her system. After ordering Willow out, she realized that she had just set herself up for more stress because word would quickly spread through the family about what she had done and she would have to explain herself to all of them. But worse than all of that was that she knew Spike would be angry with her and that she couldn't handle. 

"Hi, Buffy, how you doing?" Delores asked as she walked over to snitch a carrot from the plate in front of Elijah. Doing a double take she looked at the purple goop that the boy was dipping his vegetables in. "What in the world is that?"

"Ranch dressing," Buffy laughed. "I know it's horrible but if he likes it." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Do you mind if we talk for a minute? Promise no pressure or lectures."

Warily Buffy looked at the older woman and couldn't see any censure in her eyes so she nodded her agreement.

"Your sister and everybody are on the porch, Eli, why don't you take your veggies out there?"

"It's okay, honey," Buffy told the boy when he looked at her for approval and once he received it, he grabbed the plate and ran out. "No, running and watch out for Candy." Turning to Delores, she added, "The dog will run under your feet to try to beat you to where you are going. So, what's up?"

Delores joined her by the stove and began to pull buns out of the package to pile on a platter.   
  
"Do you have enough for everybody or do you want me to send the boys out?"

"Everybody's still here?"

"Yes, and Willow is on the porch and Xander showed up."

"Great," Buffy replied, turning to head for the freezer where she grabbed a couple more packages of hot dogs and buns. "I assume the guys will stay but Willow and Xander probably won't."

The two women worked in silence for a few minutes as Buffy added more hot dogs to a pot of boiling water and Delores put the buns in the microwave to thaw.

"I talked to Raven some today. She is feeling a little overwhelmed and I can see that you are, too. Go ahead and say it if you feel like it, that I am an interfering old busybody who should mind her own business."

Buffy giggled, surprising her neighbor with a hug. "No, but I'm glad that you're open to some honesty at least."

"You get to my age and it's really all that matters."

"I've been worried about Raven." Buffy said, turning to lean against the counter and returned Delores's smile. "She's trying so hard to be an adult but she shouldn't have to. The slaying is enough without trying to take care of everything else. Spike doesn't want me doing anything but Raven and Sean don't need to worry about it either. It's a vicious cycle around here with everyone trying to take care of me and the house." Her hands unconsciously rubbed her stomach.

"Well, I've been doing some thinking since talking to Raven. And please accept this in the spirit it's offered. Hire me."

"Huh?"

"Simple really, that's what I did before I retired. I ran people's households, worked at a couple of the mansions on Crawford Street. Hire me to take care of the things that are overwhelming everyone else. I'm assuming that you haven't hired anyone outside to do it because of the unusual circumstances, I mean, Spike, you and Raven, Elijah's powers not the your illness. But I already know about all those things so you wouldn't have to worry about me finding out."

Stunned Buffy could only stare at Delores for a moment while the idea ran through her mind. She was right about the outside help because she and Spike had discussed it but it had been dismissed because there was no way they could hide that much of their lives.

"What exactly would you do?" Buffy laughed, nervous because she hadn't done this before and wasn't sure what she was supposed to ask.

"Well, I can help out with the meals, and the kids, baby-sit Eli in the afternoons if you have errands or just need to rest, do laundry and light housekeeping. Mrs. Davis's daughter-in-law runs a cleaning business and we can ask her to come over once or twice a week to do the rest of the cleaning. It will give the rest of you the time to deal with what you need to. And if you like I can stay here while Spike is gone so you're friends don't have too."

It felt like a gift to Buffy and she couldn't help it as the tears flowed down her cheeks. It was freedom from guilt for her and freedom from her friends having to watch her and freedom for her husband and kids having to take care of the house. 

"Are you sure you want to do this? We can get pretty rambunctious around here and well, there's what's going on with me."

Delores took her hands and squeezed them. "Buffy, I'm a big girl and it doesn't scare me. We'll just deal with things as they happen."

"Thank you, please, we need the help."

Relief flooded Buffy as she realized that she didn't have to force herself to be 'normal' anymore. She could let whatever was going on with her, ebb and flow as it came because things would be taken care of. She released a sigh as she turned her house over to the woman in front of her. 

The two women chattered as they set the table for dinner, working in harmony and finishing settling the arrangements of what exactly Del's 'duties' would be but Buffy felt more relaxed than she had been in days and couldn't wait to tell everyone of the plan. Maybe her friends could be her friends again and Spike would be able to relax and all of them could just enjoy being together for a change.

TBC


	25. Night Dreams

**Chapter 24 – Night Dreams**

_November 28, 2007__ _10:55 PM____

Pulling the blanket tighter around her, Buffy settled into Spike's chair in his study. Her sigh was as soft as the night and as deep as her love for her absent husband. She ran a hand over the small bulge of her stomach while dialing the phone with the other. Earlier Spike had called to talk to the children, and they had excitedly told him they were staying up to watch him on television and then without thinking had told him about the addition of Delores to the household. By the time the phone had been handed to her, she could feel his anger bristling through the phone wires. He had curtly told her that he loved her and for her to call him after he had gotten back to the hotel. In a way she hoped that he wasn't back at the hotel yet and she could leave a cowardly message that she had been obedient and tried to call but that she was really tired and would talk to him later. Unfortunately, fate wasn't going for that because he answered on the first ring, barking out a hello that made her wince.

"Hey Baby, how did the show go?" Buffy asked, hoping to head off any chance of an argument.

Spike chuckled softly and sighed. "I felt like a bleedin' fool up there and probably looked it too."

"I'm sure you did fine and the kids are all excited about watching their Daddy on the TV."

"I miss you and I miss them."

His voice held all the loneliness he was feeling being so far away and Buffy wished she was there to hold onto him. 

"I'm feeling the same way."

"So, what happened?"

Spike switched gears so fast that Buffy had to think to remember the calm speech she had prepared so that he wouldn't be too upset on the change of plans.

"Its fine, Spike, everyone was uncomfortable being here and I was uncomfortable having them here. Delores offered and I hired her." There was a deep sigh on the other end and she knew that he was running his hand through his hair before lying back on the bed to gaze at the ceiling. "Everything is as fine as can be and nothing for you to worry about. Having her here is actually great; she's fixing the meals and cleaning up. The kids listen to her and everybody is actually relaxed."

"I'm three thousand miles away so I'm going to trust that you made the right choice, Buffy."

Buffy chuckled at his imparting wisdom. "Nice to hear that after all these years you feel that way."

"Bitch."

"Yep, that's me. So, Baby, do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Quit worrying about all the things you can't do anything about and just think about me for a minute."

"Yeah, and what am I thinking?"

"That I'm lying in our bed and thinking about you."

Buffy could hear him shifting on the bed and the soft thunk of his shoes hitting the floor. She waited until he inhaled that way he did when he first wrapped his hand around his cock like it was a treasure that he had just discovered. She smiled and closed her eyes to picture him waiting for her, and concentrated on trying to make him forget about everything that was worrying him. Her words led him through the first shivers of sexual anticipation, all the way to a climax that left her needful of some attention herself. 

"I love you," he managed to get out between gasping breaths. "You do amazing things to me." He added a few moments later. "Be right back." 

Buffy smiled as she waited for him to come back to the bed, listening to the soft sounds carried over the phone. The water running, ice clinking into a glass, the muttered curse word as Spike bumped into something and finally him settling back onto the bed and picking up the phone.

"Hey," he whispered. "You're turn."

"No, I'll wait for you to return. The tease would be only that and besides," Buffy chuckled, "I don't have the energy; rather lie there and let you do all the work."

"You okay?" 

He sounded worried and she quickly reassured him. 

"Yeah, just tired a lot, guess my body is going through changes with the baby. The books all say it's normal to be tired at this stage."

"I'll be glad when I'm home. Take care of you myself."

She stroked the phone and blinked back some tears as the loneliness made itself known. It was crazy when you thought about it, he was only gone two days and she felt like her heart was breaking without him.

"Come home as soon as you can, I need you to take care of me."

They talked for a few minutes more about the children and the house and whispered of their love before finally saying goodnight. And after Buffy clicked the phone off, she wept because she needed him more then she ever thought she could. And she berated herself for all the time she had wasted running from them. Now every second was precious to her because she was afraid that one day she wouldn't even remember who he was.

~~~~~~~~~~

_November 29, 2007__ _4:37 AM____

The phone ringing was strident in the early morning hours, waking the two sleeping in the master bedroom. Without opening her eyes, Raven fumbled around on the nightstand until she found the instrument that was waking them. Buffy opened her eyes and sat up, instantly on her mind was her husband so far away from them.

"Hello," Raven mumbled out, a few moments of silence as she moved to lean on her elbows, "hello is anyone there?"

Clicking the phone off she threw it on the bed between them and gave it a dirty look before pulling the covers over her head. 

"Who was it?" Buffy asked.

"They didn't say anything."

"What's the caller ID say?"

Growling Raven came back out of her cocoon, turning on the light as she wiped the sleepies from her eyes then peered at the small box in annoyance. 

"Unknown caller."

Buffy worried her bottom lip as she picked the phone up. Earlier when Spike had called the ID had said the name of the hotel so she tried to talk herself out of calling him just to check. But she remembered that it was three hours later where he was, glanced at the clock and realized that he should be awake because the book signing started at 10 AM. As she flipped the phone over to dial, it rang again.

"Hello," Buffy answered, as her hand sought out her daughters.

"Are you her?"

"Uh, her who?"

Trying to place the voice and still trying to wake up, Buffy just played along.

"The bitch who stole my William."

It clicked and anger flooded through Buffy's system.

"I'm William's wife and how the hell did you get our phone number?"

"The same way I know everything about him. From him because I'm the one, he's supposed to be with. He belongs to me and our love that is eternal."

"Who the hell are you? And where did you get your delusions from, K-mart?"

"Don't fuck with me, whore. I know William is easily seduced by pretty faces but if you don't leave him alone, I'll make sure yours isn't so pretty anymore."

Buffy laughed at the woman who was trying so hard to threaten her. In that moment she felt all powerful, like there was more than just her there to fight for Spike. As if she was infused with a possessive power beyond her and it made her foolish with it's arrogance of surety of never losing her husband again.

"Yeah, try and I'll eviscerate you slowly so you feel a pain like you never imagined." 

SB hung up on her and Buffy laughed again. 

"Mum, do you think you really should have pissed her off? Because I don't think that was such a good idea."

Flopping back on the bed Buffy groaned and covered her face with her hands. It wasn't a good idea and she knew it but at the time she wanted the upper hand and to show SB that she wasn't afraid of her. 

"Okay, next time you play his wife because hey, insane over here, and shouldn't be allowed to piss off other insane people in a fight over who has the biggest crush on the shrink."

"Funny, very funny; you're not insane just a little unwell."

They both giggled, remembering an old Matchbox Twenty tune that they had seen the video for on VH1 Classics the previous day. It had become a joke among the kids to label Buffy as unwell every time she said something about going insane. Raven cuddled into her side, entwining their fingers together.

"Are you going to call Daddy and tell him?"

"No, he's signing starts in a couple of hours and he'd only blow it off to head home. I think we're okay for right now but I am going to call Max. Let him know and get some advice. I'll tell Spike this afternoon when I talk to him but let him do what he needs to do without worrying about us anymore then he has to."

Buffy stirred enough to find the phone again and to dial Max's cell phone number. It rang five times before she heard fumbling as he clicked the phone on and wrestled it to his ear.

"Max here."

"Hey, Max, it's Buffy. Can you talk?"

"Just a minute, let me get out of his hallway." There was a moment of just him breathing in her ear before he came back on, "What's up?"

"She called the house."

"Shit. What happened?"

Taking a deep breath and trying to stay in control, she relayed the conversation to him then told him of her decision not to tell Spike.

"Buffy, you need to call him." He hesitated for a moment. "I agree that you all are probably fine for right now but you need to call him in case she's in New York. It was most likely from the show last night that she found out he had a wife. It made me cringe when they talked about you. Didn't think about warning him in advance."

"I'll call you back," Buffy hung up as her hands began to shake. There was no staying in control now, thinking about this woman that might attempt to take her life away from her. Her fingers wouldn't cooperate as the tears filled her eyes and gratefully surrendered the phone to Raven. Buffy kept telling herself to breathe and that everything would be all right as she watched Raven dial the phone.

"Come on, Daddy, answer the phone," Raven muttered as she brushed her mother's hair back from where it was sticking to her wet cheeks. "Hello, Daddy? It's Raven." Silence for a moment and then, "Yeah, like no, duh, I know, I'd better be the only girl that is calling you Daddy."  A pause before, "Look, SB called here this morning. We're fine but Mum probably pissed her off so you need to be really careful today. Hold on." Raven handed the phone to her mother.

"Spike, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I just didn't think and I wanted her to know that she wasn't yours."

"Shhh, Buffy, calm down, Lamb, it'll be okay. It's already arranged. There's going to be a couple of guards there. Barney already planned it. It's more to cover their ass if something does happen and someone else gets hurt. Liability and all that. What about you all? What did she say?"

Taking a deep breath, Buffy told herself to get it together. It wasn't doing any of them any good for her to be hysterical. She had her children to think about and Spike didn't need to be worried about them. When she felt that she was in control, she answered him.

"She told me to stay away from you and that you belonged to her. I threatened her back and she hung up on me. I called Max…"

"You called Max before you called me?"

"I didn't want to worry you. Then he said something about me putting you in danger and I hung up on him to call you."

"Whatever, Buffy. Look you need to call the police and let them know what happened. Okay?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"I need to go. Do me a favor and keep the kids home today? I'll call you as soon as I'm done."

There was iciness to his voice and Buffy could feel it down in the core of her. She sniffled as she wondered what she had done wrong. They always called Max whenever SB made a move because he had connections to keep the investigation going.

"I love you, Spike, and I'll talk to you later."

"Bye, Baby," Spike, hanging the phone up without saying he loved her.

Handing the phone to Raven for her to hang up, Buffy snuggled down under the covers and hoped that sleep would come back so she could lose herself in oblivion. They had been down this road before and it hurt that he would even for a moment think that she would choose Max over him in any respect.

The phone rang and Buffy reached over her daughter to answer it.

"Hey, I love you," Spike said, his voice held a trace of contrition and his forgiveness was given as quickly as his return phone call. "It's just that I'm so far away from you. It's my job to take care of you and I don't like anyone else doing it."

"You're the only one I want taking care of me. I love you, too."

"Call him back and see what he says, okay? I'll talk to you soon."

Buffy knew that sleep was going to come anytime soon. Turning she tucked the covers around Raven, switched the light off and made her way downstairs. She made herself a cup of tea before settling on the couch and turning the morning news on. She called Max and he agreed with Spike's advice on keeping the children home from school for the day. It would also give them time to put into place the tracing of anymore phone calls to see if they could find out where she was calling from and finally find the stalker. 

~~~~~~~~~

_November 30, 2007__ _1:24 AM____

Once again Buffy was the only one awake. The day had given no new phone calls or leads to who the woman was. No one said it but they were afraid that she was heading to California to press her case with Spike. The children had been excited about not having school and they had all spent the day being together. They talked about Christmas and wanted to get a tree to decorate that weekend to start the celebrations. Over all it had been a good day and everyone had gone to bed relatively happy. Except for Buffy. She wandered the house in slow circles, Candy following behind as she stopped at each window, peering out, her mind playing games with the shadows that crossed the yard. There was no rest for her tonight. 

When her mind wasn't making monsters from nothing, she thought about her children, her husband, and the baby that grew inside of her. She thought about her friends and the dreams she once had. She recognized and accepted the fact that she was letting go. From the time her mother had committed her, to the catatonic state after Glory and finally to the depression that had led to her cutting Buffy had always known the day would come when she would eventually break. How many times did she have to fight herself to stay in this reality? Even now she sometimes still longed to be able to return to Heaven. The peace and contentment she had known and couldn't find here. The closest she came was in Spike's arms, when he was inside of her, filling her, thrusting, and pushing her to an ecstasy that no one else had ever been able to give her but it wasn't enough. Not anymore, as the darkness threatened her. 

She couldn't admit it to anyone, the secret that she held, that one of the reasons to keep her baby was that maybe she could finally let go. It wasn't that she wanted death or even insanity but that she wanted to find an end. The last year had taken its toll on her and everyone and she was frightened. When she sat down and thought about it, her life overwhelmed her and it was too much for her to handle. Losing her mind would give her a reason to fail and it wouldn't be her. She could finally lay fault to something outside of her control. 

These thoughts only came as she drifted through their house, where in the darkness all her secrets could be inspected; even the ones that were horrid and pushed her soul to its limit. And the ones that could never be admitted during the vivid reality of her life were frighteningly loud in the night.

They were just thoughts, whimsical almost in nature, brought on by stress and worry and would vanish in the morning light or when she looked at her children or when Spike was there. Always Spike. Her link to life now and she wanted him home to banish the weakness in her soul. 

The front door closed softly and she ran through the kitchen into the hallway to see who was there. Almost like an indulgent genie had granted her wish there stood Spike; putting his bags down upon seeing her and holding his arms out to catch her. It was all right again. The depression vanished like morning mist upon seeing the sun. His lips caught hers in a voracious hunger that she matched, no hesitancy, only urgency, born from knowing. Gone were the days of ignorance of what would bring the greatest pleasure as they needed no words to find the way. There was no fumbling, falling into the kiss, second nature now, needing as little thought as opening their eyes in the morning. 

Spike picked her up and started up the stairs.

"All the beds are taken, the study," Buffy whispered, her hands cradling his cheek and her teeth nibbling on his neck. 

Once there, the door safely locked behind them, they disrobed while watching the other. No time to tease as she pushed him down onto the couch and straddled him. Sinking down, taking all of him into her in one movement, she found her purpose and direction again. Gone were the desires to leave as she rode him. His arms encircled her and she leaned backwards so that she was bowed beneath him so that he could devour her breasts, sucking and biting as her fingers kneaded his upper arms, her hair flowing across his shins, reaching downward, straining to tickle his feet. 

This was hello and everything she needed as they molded their flesh into one. Her soft cries as he laid her on the floor so he could have control again, her legs hooked over his shoulders, his eyes locked with hers as he drove them to find that place that belonged only to them. Spike filled her and hammered against her innermost core and she hoped he would never stop. Everything was forgotten except the beating of their hearts, the unceasing force of their coming together and the sweat that coated his chest and slid along her thighs. The smell of them filled her senses as Buffy threw her back and looked at the room upside down. Her nails dug into the carpet below her and she felt the burning across her shoulders as she was slowly pushed toward the wall by the power of his thrusts. Grunting resounded in her ears in harmonized tunes that came from both of them.

Naked and vulnerable she lost control under her husband, letting the splendor of their joining, take over her senses as her orgasm made her quiver and clench down on him. Words were beyond her as she tried to find a way to breathe again. There was wonder dancing along her nerves as she grabbed onto her anchor, staring into the depths of his eyes, cobalt in desire, and somehow she melted, lying languid beneath him as he poured his essence in her. He jerked and shuddered in his own cumming, slipping from her when it was done, her feet back on the floor and his face buried between her breasts.

Spike laughed as her hands fluttered across his shoulders.

"Hello, Baby, I'm home."

Her giggle joined his as they accepted that this was it for them. This, their love, manifested in the physical sense, could bring the greatest power between them. It could chase away their fears, bring them joy, unite them into creatures of heaven and create life. It was their love and it was their barrier to the rest of the world. And here in each other's arms the rest of the world slipped away as they worshiped each other. 

"So, I see," Buffy whispered. And for a while longer she was whole again and ready to fight to stay that way.

TBC


	26. Spending Time

**Chapter 25 – Spending Time**

_November 30, 2007__ _6:40 AM____

It was another morning that Buffy lay awake waiting for the sun to peek over the horizon, giving her permission to finally rise and start her day. This morning, however, was a reluctant moving because her body was wrapped around the sprawled form of her husband. One leg was thrown over his, her toes tucked under his calf while her hand rested on his belly, enjoying the gentle rise and fall as he breathed and her ear listened to the steady beat of his heart.

Spike hadn't fallen asleep until after three, as they had continued to make up for lost time by enjoying the pleasure of each other's body. After they had regained their equanimity from the first session, they had pulled out the sofa bed only to find that it was broken. Spike had complained that Angel must have done it because he and Cordelia had been the only ones to have slept on it. After a few curses and a muttered threat that Angel could replace it, they had found that it being broken was actually a help to their continued games.

Buffy smiled as she remembered their passionate love making. It was like they had gone through the prerequisites of a bad porn movie, first they had done the face-to-face coupling, and since they had skipped the cunnilingus, instead of just the obligatory blow job, they decided to sixty-nine it. The bed's continual attempts to curl up helped Spike in reaching her and to keep them from folding completely his feet pushed against the back of the sofa. His spread feet gave her the space needed to completely satisfy him with her mouth and fingers.

After they had both achieved satisfaction they had lain there, his foot resting on her belly while his toes fondled her nipple. While Spike thus occupied himself, Buffy would run her hand along his leg. They didn't really talk, just basked in the glow of being together until he decided that one more time ought to complete their night and had attempted to drape her over the back of the couch for the finale of anal sex. Except as he moved behind her the bed collapsed beneath them and he found himself with his face against her bottom because she had held onto the back of the couch. Shaking with uncontrollable laughter they had climbed out of the ruins of the couch, pulled the mattress to the middle of the floor, and finished out with very routine, but very pleasurable, sex with her on top. Shortly afterwards, Spike had fallen asleep while Buffy had waited for the night to be over. 

Now, as the sun began to light the room, Buffy untangled herself and moved about the room, shutting the blinds so Spike could continue to sleep. She pulled her pajamas on and hurried upstairs to take a long shower before the children had to be roused for school. Spending the night making love and laughing with Spike had given Buffy a renewed sense of vigor and she decided to put a little extra into her appearance than she had been. The new pair of faded maternity jeans fit snugly around her hips but was comfortable on her growing stomach and, the borrowed from Spike, black cable crewneck sweater hung loosely around her thighs giving her plenty of moving room. She ran her hand over the softness of the cashmere as she returned to her vanity. For the first time in days she applied makeup and blew dry her hair so that it hung tousled around her shoulders.

"Mum, is it time to get up?" Raven asked, peering out from underneath the comforter.

"Just about and no one else is up if you want to get to the bathroom first."

That moved the teenager out from her cocoon as she hurried to take her own shower. Buffy laughed at the thought that poor Sean would probably have to take his shower downstairs since Raven took forever in the morning. She could hear Delores calling Elijah before moving downstairs. After giving herself one last look, Buffy hurried to the kitchen. The newest member of the household already had coffee brewing and Candy fed when she arrived.

"Just getting the tea kettle on," Del said, smiling at Buffy.

"Thanks," Buffy replied, heading for the pantry. "I think I'm going to make the kids pancakes this morning."

"You're in a good mood this morning. Wouldn't have anything to do with the study being closed now would it?"

Giggling Buffy unloaded ingredients on the counter and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet.

"Probably does, he got a flight last night instead of waiting for this morning."

"Dad's home?" Sean asked, walking through the kitchen and carrying clean clothes.

"Yes, he is." 

"Cool," Sean said. "And good morning," he added, before going into the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

After breakfast and a few complaints about not being able to miss two days in a row, especially since it was Friday, they finally got out the door. Delores drove while Buffy rode beside her in the passenger seat. They were adding Del to the emergency lists at the schools so that she could pick up the children and Buffy wanted to make sure that the elementary school was warned to be extra watchful over Elijah. Dropping Elijah and getting things settled at his school was easy. It was when they arrived en masse at the high school that things became more difficult. Raven wanted to run off to find her friends while Buffy wanted her to accompany them to the office. Clearly embarrassed and put out the teen reluctantly followed her family, tagging behind and trying to appear as if she wasn't actually with them. 

Buffy found that she still knew a few teachers they encountered on the way and made conversation, introducing her children while Raven grew more mortified. Sean just joked along with Buffy and Del because he thought it was great to have family and secretly, he was enjoying Raven squirm. By the time the chore was done and they were standing in the main hall of the school saying good-bye, Buffy couldn't help it. She grabbed her daughter in a tight hug and kissed her on the cheek, made a joke about her behaving and made a grand exit with a smiling Del, while the Slayer swore vengeance on her mother.

For Buffy, it was turning out to be a great day.

~~~~~~~~~

_November 30, 2007__ _3:24 PM____

The room was becoming unbearably warm as it did from the afternoon sun and Spike turned over, throwing the afghan off of him while his hand searched the mattress beside him. Buffy wasn't there and he sighed. Since the pregnancy it was rare that they would wake up together. Her nights were too restless now and he was learning to just be grateful if she stayed long enough to fall asleep with him or until he fell asleep. He forced his eyes open to look for the clock and when he found out that most of the day was gone, he chuckled. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept this long. The time of leisure was almost decadent to him and he stretched lazily and yawned. The house was quiet and no one had woken him so everything had to be running smoothly. 

Spike stood, searching for his jeans and once he found them, pulled them on along with his T-shirt and headed for the kitchen. His body was demanding not only blood but food. One of the pit falls of being a hybrid and it was always which hunger was driving him the most that was sated first. This time it was for blood and he opened the refrigerator to grab a packet out. He sighed when he realized one was missing from the last time he had been home. It meant that Buffy had drunk some while he was gone and it hurt that she had to make do with reheated blood instead of being able to drink from him. Because she would have needed his reassurance as much as or probably more than she needed the sustenance from it.

Taking a packet out and draining it into a mug, he then popped it into the microwave to heat. While waiting he grabbed the note that he had noticed stuck on the frig by a silly Mickey Mouse magnet Buffy had gotten at Disneyland. He leaned against the counter and read the note Buffy had left for him.

_Hey, Gorgeous,_

_Didn't want to disturb you, so I left_

_you alone. __Del__ and I have gone to_

_the grocery store. Elijah is with us_

_and the two teen terrors should be_

_around somewhere. Don't worry._

_Del__ has a cell phone and has been_

_shown all the codes in case I go_

_psycho while we're gone. Joke,_

_smile._

_All my love,_

_Your wife,_

_Buffy_

_P.S. The cell phone guy wants_

_to go ahead and set the baby up_

_with a phone. I think we bought_

_his house for him._

Spike laughed after reading it and tossed it on the counter. He took the mug out and drained it in several gulps, satisfying the most pressing need he had. Deciding to find the 'teen terrors' before hunting down solid food, he headed upstairs. As he reached the top of the stairs, he could their laughter and voices coming from Raven's room. Her door was slightly ajar, so he pushed it open and the grin on his face dissipated into a scowl at the scene in front of him. Sean was sprawled out on Raven's bed while she stood beside it, pulling jeans over her hips. Her upper body was clad only in a lacy bra and they both turned frightened eyes at him as he growled and vamped out. 

"You son of a bitch," Spike snarled, grabbing Sean's shirt front and throwing the boy out into the hallway.

Sean hit the wall, several feet from the ground, and fell heavily to the floor with a dazed look in his eyes. But Spike didn't notice. His emotions never unleashed before on his children were out of his control as he headed for the boy again. 

"We took you into our home and this is how you repay us? By fucking Raven again," Spike shouted.

"Daddy, leave him alone," Raven cried, grabbing his arm.

Spike shook her hand off and he bent to grab Sean again but instead found himself on the floor a few feet away. His eyes narrowed as he stared at Raven, unbelieving that his daughter had used her Slayer strength against him. He stood, shaking, and advanced toward them again. Raven crouched beside Sean, protecting him. 

"Get out of my way, Raven."

"No," Raven cried, her eyes filling with tears, her gaze broke from her father to look at Sean. "Tell him."

The front door opened but Spike ignored it. He was too intent on getting to Sean and then kicking him out. At this point he didn't care where the kid went as long as he wasn't in his house. 

"Spike, what's going on?" Buffy called.

Spike's glanced down the stairs at his wife but returned his attention to his children. Their fear was heavy in the air and they were both crying. Reason was starting to seep into his brain but Raven's defiance was only adding fuel to an already burning fire.

"For the last time get out of my way, Raven, or I'll make you move," Spike warned.

"No, I am not going to fucking move," Raven shouted. "You get the hell away from us." Turning she clutched Sean's arm. "Please, just tell him."

If this was the way his daughter wanted it to go, then he could do it this way. Spike wrapped his hands around her arms and pulled her away from Sean. She struggled against him but her emotions were strong and that was always Raven's downfall in a fight. Spike easily pushed her away but when he turned back to Sean, he found his wife between them.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Sean was fucking our daughter," Spike said, trying to step around Buffy, but was blocked by her arm. He sighed knowing that he wouldn't lay a hand on Buffy in her condition. "Buffy, let me handle it."

"We weren't fucking," Raven screamed and took advantage of Buffy being there to slip past her parents to be with Sean.

"Spike, calm down," Buffy said, her hands stroking his face in an effort to soothe him. 

Throwing his head back, Spike tried to gain control of himself. He had trusted the boy. He had trusted Raven. And he knew that the fault couldn't be laid at just the boy's feet because Raven was a flamboyant girl and loved showing off her blossoming body. But it was him. The human in him, William born in a repressed Victorian age that still felt it was the man's responsibility for what happened. 

"I want him out of the house now," Spike said, looking at Buffy again.

"God damn it, Daddy, where the hell is he going to go?"  Raven said. "Sean, please just tell him."

"It doesn't matter. Either way I am out of here," Sean said, struggling to stand.

Spike watched the boy as he moved toward his room and noticed the slump of Sean's shoulders and the heartbreak in his eyes as he looked at the man he had called father. Turning toward Raven's room, Spike sniffed the air and realized that there was no smell of sex in the air or arousal on them. His mind began to rapidly put together all the things that had told him that Sean still had a secret from them and the answer slammed into him. Sighing, he looked down at Buffy and Raven and for the first time noticed Del and Elijah on the stairs watching.

"Go downstairs. All of you," Spike said. "Let me talk to Sean alone."

"You're crazy if you think I'm leaving you alone with him," Raven said.

"Raven, finish dressing and go downstairs with your mother."

"Raven, do it," Buffy said, turning to Spike, she asked. "Are you okay?"

Raven flounced by both of them into her room.

"Yeah," Spike answered, rubbing his eyes. "It will be fine. Just let me talk to him, okay?"

Buffy nodded and waited for Raven and the others to precede her down the stairs before following them. Taking a moment to get his emotions under control, Spike hesitated in the hall before stepping into Sean's room. The teenager had the backpack he had shown up with, open on the bed, while he sorted through the dresser looking for the clothes he had come with. 

"Stop packing," Spike said, stepping over to him and laying a hand on his arm. He hated himself when Sean flinched. "I'm sorry. I…I never should have done that. Hurt you. Didn't mean to." Sighing, Spike sat on the bed, watching Sean frozen at the dresser except for one hand that ran nervously along the edge. "Always been a problem with Buffy and me. Both of us too hot headed and too used to fighting. And hell, until six months ago, never really thought of myself being a parent much less dealing with shit like this. Have no bleedin' clue what I'm doing."

"Never really dealt with this stuff either," Sean said, looking back at his father. 

Feeling better that Sean didn't completely hate him at the moment Spike leaned forward on his elbows and buried his face in his hands. This conversation wasn't going to be easy and like he said he had no idea of what to say except to be honest.

"Are you and Raven having sex?"

"No, only that one time."

"Sean, I don't know how to ask this, except just to ask. Are you gay?" Spike could see the fear in his son's eyes and he no longer needed a verbal confirmation. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Thought you'd kick me out," Sean mumbled. "That's why my parents didn't want me around."

"You're not going anywhere," Spike said, his voice sure so that Sean wouldn't have any doubts about it at all. Of all people who could understand the teen it would be him. Feeling unsure of fitting in, that was something that William could definitely understand and relate to. Even now with a family around him and women asking for his autograph and offering him sex, he still wondered why anyone would want him much less love and accept him. Only three people in the world knew who Spike really was, Buffy, Angel and Drusilla. Everyone else only knew pieces. And only Buffy understood the man who hid beneath the surface and loved him in spite of it. 

Spike stood and wandered to the window, leaning against the frame, to stare out over the backyard. He smiled as he watched Elijah and Candy playing tag, while Buffy and Raven lay beside each on the hammock talking. The next part of this conversation was going to be hard but he knew that Sean needed it and he supposed that was part of being a parent.

"I was serious when I said that you weren't going anywhere. So, you may as well quit hovering over there and take a seat." Spike said, looking over his shoulder at Sean and waited until the brownie had sat on the edge of the bed. Spike sighed and returned his gaze to the backyard. "Buffy and me, we've seen too many things and lost too many people to judge someone based on something like that. I'm sorry that we didn't get that point across too well."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. I knew that there was something that you hadn't told us but this place is always having a crisis of some sort and I let it slide. Like I said I'm taking this parenting thing on a day to day, you know what I mean?"

There was only silence behind him but he knew that Sean was listening. The fear was slowly losing it potency and hope was taking its place. Spike took a deep breath and figured that he may as well just throw it out there and they could sort their way through it.

"I've been with men myself."

Spike almost laughed as Sean audibly turned and stared at him for a moment.

"You have? Are you…bisexual?"

"Never really labeled what it was.  Back when I was human, I was pretty prissy but never had an attraction to men. Of course, back then, you didn't talk about it. I doubted I even knew that men could do it with each other. It was after I was vamped that…it happened." Hesitating Spike took a moment to think of how much he was going to tell Sean. He didn't want to leave the teen with bad impressions but yet he wanted to tell him as much of the truth as he could. "It's different with vampires. Sex, no matter if you're with a male or female, can be about power and domination. Plus, there is the added bonus of no morals and taking what you want. I'm only telling you that so that you understand that it wasn't a choice I made at first. But after I was introduced to that side of things, it was something that I enjoyed and even pursued at times. Vampires can be a rather passionate crowd and it was always like a candy store."

"Hoping that I don't think you're gay?"

"Not that. Just want you to know where I'm coming from. Never thought of myself as gay or bisexual. Just liked sex and at times it didn't matter who with. If that makes me bi then I guess I am."

"How long has it been since you've been with a man?"

"Probably eleven years or more.  Before I came to Sunnydale the first time. And after that it was me trying to hold onto Drusilla or impress Buffy. And there was Harmony to keep me company sometimes." Spike said, deliberately leaving off that time when Angelus had returned for awhile. That was information that his son never needed to know.

"So, do you miss having sex with men," Sean mumbled, the flush on his face giving away his embarrassment of asking his father something so personal.

Spike turned from the window and sat on the sill with his arms folded across his chest. He contemplated his son and knew what he was getting at; was sex with men good and was it different than being with women. 

"Yeah, sometimes," Spike answered. "Different approaches, different feel. Have you dated or been with someone?"

It was Sean's turn to laugh, "No, not really. Raven, few minutes ago, nothing. The girls at school, nothing. There was a guy at school back home. We flirted and stuff but we never worked up to anything else because the shit hit the fan and exploded when I told my parents."

"Same thing we told you before and what we've told Raven." Spike said and came to sit on the bed beside him. "And this is all Buffy lecture, be open with us, sex is better with someone you love and don't be in a hurry because it's not worth the consequences. Oh, and get Buffy to elaborate on that because she has the ultimate story to keep you from wanting to have sex. This is me now but I'm sure Buffy will agree. Talk to Willow and Tara because they probably know more about gay life in Sunnydale. Don't worry about the rest of the family. They'll deal. You'll get stories that will turn you gray on their dating experiences so be prepared. And we love you, okay?"

"Thanks, I love you guys too." 

"Forgive me for throwing you across the room?"

"Yeah," Sean said, "This time. Next time let Rave get in trouble. She was the one prancing around half naked not me."

"That girl is getting kind of risqué, isn't she?"

They both shook their heads as they thought of Raven and her need for attention. Sighing, they looked at each other and laughed.

"Come on," Spike said. "Let's go join them in the backyard. Hopefully, Buffy talked to her."

"Won't do no good," Sean said, standing and leading the way. "Rave is so positive that she is the queen shit."

"Language," Spike chided, following. "The two of you have the foulest mouths and need your mouths washed out with soap."

"Get it from you, Dad, get it from you."

_Maybe it's not too bad being a parent_, Spike thought. He had gotten through his first official talk with Sean and it seemed to have turned out well. The boy didn't seem scarred by it and maybe he helped him to feel more accepted with them. That had been what Spike had wanted. That Sean felt that he could be who he was and still be loved and he felt that he had accomplished his goal.

~~~~~~~~~

_November 30, 2007__ _4:17 PM____

Elijah ran by them again, his arms out, imitating an airplane and Candy barked while continuing to chase him.

"He's going to give that dog a heart attack," Raven complained. "Come here, Candy, come here." 

Upon hearing her name, the dog looked up the two women on the hammock, then as if deciding the boy was more interesting, took off running again. "Bitch."

Buffy sighed and pushed her hair away from her face. "I just told you to watch your mouth."

"Oh God, Mum, she's a female dog and a female dog is a bitch."

"And that's not how you meant it."

"Whatever," Raven said, screwing up her face before turning to look at Buffy again. She laid her hand on her mum's burgeoning stomach. "Have you felt it move yet?"

"Not yet, and the baby is not an it," Buffy said sternly. 

"I know, Mum. Have you asked Eli lately the sex of the baby?"

"Don't know if I want to know."

Dr. Parker had said at the next appointment that she wanted to do another sonogram and this time they might be able to see the baby kick or suck its thumb and if it was positioned right, she could probably tell the sex. Buffy wasn't sure she wanted to know, it was something that she and Spike hadn't discussed yet. A sigh rolled through her because she had several things to discuss with her husband and wished that things were easier.

The back door slammed and the man on her mind strolled out with their son beside him and she couldn't help but smile. The big bad walking in flip flops next to his son, it was quite a change from when she had first known him. The years had molded the evil vampire into this and she felt her heart skip at the love she felt. Spike lay on the hammock next to her, burying his face in her hair and his hand trailed along her hip and settled over their baby and Buffy sighed. 

"Miss me?" He asked, kissing her neck, hair and all. 

Buffy nodded and reluctantly turned her attention to their bickering teens.

"Fine, Mum didn't even blink an eye when I told her you were gay. And now you get all this support and love and I get lectured," Raven complained. 

Sean laughed as he joined them on the hammock, laying on his back next to his sister and gently started to swing them.

"Gee, poor baby, what did Mum yell at you about?"

"Oh, let me see if I get this right." Raven started, glanced at her mother for a second before turning on her side toward Sean. "Correct me if I'm wrong, Mum. Even if you are gay, I shouldn't be running around dressing in front of you; especially in light of our previous relationship. Besides it's not lady like." She snorted before continuing. "Then it moved onto that I'm trying to dress and act older than I am. Oh, yeah, actually I am starting to dress a little too provocative and it needs to stop."

"Amen," Spike muttered.

"Thanks, Dad. I'm borrowing your wife's clothes."

"Raven," Sean said. "She's a grown up. You're fifteen and my opinion; you're acting like a bitch in heat lately. Try masturbating it might help take the edge off."

Raven smacked Sean on the leg while Buffy tried to remain calm but Spike burst out laughing.

"Good God, tell the kid he's loved and he completely opens up." Spike said.

"Sean," Buffy said, trying to use a parenting tone but lost to the giggles when Spike started laughing again. "Come on, stop it Spike. Don't talk to your sister like that, Sean. I just got onto her about her language too. Besides its not nice to say things like that."

"Sorry," Sean said, trying to sound contrite but he couldn't get rid of the grin as Raven continued to pout.

The back door opened again and Delores stepped out onto the porch.

"Sean, Raven, Elijah," Del called. "It's time to come in. Homework, chores, move it."

Elijah ran for the house while Raven and Sean followed more slowly. They started to quarrel again about being lectured and doing chores as they went. Buffy reached out for Spike's hand, entwining their fingers to let him know to stay. She had told Del earlier that she need to talk to Spike and knew the older woman was giving them time alone so Buffy could tell him what she needed to. 

"I knew that I liked her. Too bad they can see us," Spike whispered, curling closer to Buffy's back, allowing his pelvis to settle against her bottom.

"Spike," Buffy started, noting the tension that flowed into his body at just that one word. "It's okay. Not too bad." She waited until he relaxed again and mumbled 'sorry' before kissing her shoulder. "When you were gone, I was trying to meditate and had a vision." Buffy went on and explained the farmhouse and the dead couple to him. "I talked to Sara about it and she agreed that it might have been one of your memories."

"Could be. Dru and I pretty much kept to cities. More food and more shelter and besides too much silence made her worse but we went through a lot of farm country along the way. Don't remember all the kills we did." 

Buffy nodded and said, "Sara wants to try hypnosis on me. She said that my subconscious still might be trying to process all your memories because they came so fast and everything. And by hypnotizing me she might be able to help me finish processing them and than put them away somewhere inside me."

"You'd forget them?" 

Buffy could hear the hurt in his voice. Her knowing his past so intimately was a link in the chain that bound them together. Turning onto her back, Buffy cupped her husband's cheek. "I know. I don't want to forget them. She says that she might be able to fix it so that I'd remember but it would be like you told me about them and not something I lived through."

"She thinks this might be the problems you've been having? That by living my life its made part of you think that you're a vampire or something."

"It could be one of the explanations but I don't know. She said that my mind might still be running scenarios and that's why I saw the shadows on Thanksgiving."

"When does she want to do this?"

"Next Wednesday. And she wants to talk to you and Giles about the ritual and have you there when she does it. Maybe when I'm under I might say something that would help us figuring out what's wrong with me; something she wouldn't pick up on."

Buffy was relieved when he only nodded. She hadn't really thought that he would have a problem with it but it was good to have him confirm it. Her eyes filled with tears as she pulled him closer to her. He rubbed his nose against hers before kissing her and she relaxed against him, wrapping her arms around him. It was safe against him and she hoped that by next Thursday that her problems would be gone. They lay there for a while just holding each other until they were called to come in for dinner and it was time to join their family. The only place they wanted to be.

TBC


	27. Before I Come Undone

**Chapter 26 – Before I Come Undone**

_December 5, 2007__ _1:53 PM__

If the situation weren't so serious, Buffy would have broken down into hysterical giggles at her husband and ex-Watcher. Spike was beating some tune against the wooden arm of his chair with his thumb while his head bobbed absently and Giles had cleaned his glasses at least five times in the last ten minutes. Their nervousness was distracting her from her own tension at the hypnosis session that would start in a few minutes. Sighing, she looked around the waiting room again before standing. Peering out the window, her eyes drifted over the tranquil ocean setting outside the house where Sara now had her practice. The distant rhythm of the waves and their graceful dance was a soothing comfort in what was otherwise a very uncomfortable place to be.

Buffy kept telling herself that everything was going to be all right, she trusted Sara and besides Spike and Giles would be there if something went wrong. It was just the thought of what might or might not be accomplished with this that bothered her. Would she lose all of Spike's memories, thus creating a rift between them, or would they find out that it wasn't the memories at all? 

"Come sit, Love, it's going to be okay," Spike said, standing behind her, his hands drifting along her upper arms.

"I'm fine." Buffy answered, leaning back against the comfort of her husband's body and pulled his arms around her. "Thank you for being here."

"Always be here for you, Pet."

They both turned at the sound of a door opening. 

"Hi, Buffy, Spike," Sara said, at the door. She turned and greeted Giles in the same way before nudging her head to the back room. "Ready to come on back?"

Following Sara, they made their way into what used to be the master bedroom of the house. It was a large room with a bathroom attached and two sets of sliding glass doors along one wall. The doors opened onto a verandah that stretched along the back of the house with steps leading down to the beach. A tranquil theme prevailed over the place where secrets were told, the walls were painted a dusky rose while the furniture was dove gray with burgundy pillows and throws. 

The two men settled on the couch where directed by Sara, while Buffy made her way to the counter behind her therapist's preferred chair. Only half listening to the conversation between the other three, Buffy set about making cups of tea for Giles and her. While they were brewing she opened a soda for Spike and took it to him. Sara was taking notes on her pad about the ritual and their impressions of Buffy's illness. Once the tea was prepared, she returned to the grouping of furniture and after handing Giles his refreshment, Buffy settled into a large chair facing away from the couch. 

"We want Buffy to be comfortable and undistracted during this session and that's one of the reasons she is facing away from you. Knowing that you are here and seeing you are two different things." Sara explained. 

Buffy kicked her shoes off and pulled her feet beneath her, then drew an afghan over her legs. Leaning her head against the back of the chair she continued to listen to the end of the questions that were posed while she watched the ocean. Her hands unconsciously wrung the edge of the covering as her mind jumped around.

"You ready?" Sara asked, coming to sit across from her. After Buffy nodded, Sara began to speak in a low and controlled voice leading her patient from the obvious anxiety into a relaxed state. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 5, 2007__ _2:25 PM____

Spike watched as Buffy relaxed under her therapist's instructions. The only time he had seen humans hypnotized was when Drusilla would draw them under her thrall to 'play' with them. If he hadn't been invited he wouldn't have allowed Buffy to consent to this. There was no way he was going to allow anyone to have any power over his wife without him being there. Shaking his head, he forced himself to focus on what Sara was saying.

"Can you tell which memories are Buffy's and which ones are Spike's?"

"Yes."

"Good, I want you to separate the two. Take all of his memories and put them on one side and yours on another."

Buffy nodded and her hands moved as if she was physically doing as requested. A few minutes later, she smiled, "Done."

"Now, we are going to put all of his memories away. There in your mind is an enclosure with a glass wall around it. Put his memories in there while keeping yours separate."

"I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"If I forget them I won't be able to play anymore."

Without being aware of it, everyone leaned a little closer to Buffy.

"Play with them? Explain that to me."

Buffy tilted her head to the side, like she was thinking of something, before answering. "I like to run them through my head when I'm alone and Spike isn't around. It makes me feel closer to him." She nodded her head as if satisfied with her answer.

"The enclosure is just going to hold the memories. It doesn't mean you can't see them anymore. The wall around is clear so you can visit them any time you want to." Sara said.

"Like going to the zoo," Buffy laughed. "I can walk around and around. Feed peanuts to the monkeys but avoid the hyena cage. Bad Xander. Did you know pigs make good BBQ but not principals? Principals feed to the big snake. Do we have a reptile section? No, no, Glory makes big snake, find key." She trailed off from her fantasy and her eyes brightened from unshed tears. "Spike, my Spike, saw them and took care of me and I didn't even know. It's there now. somewhere in there. I'm looking and can't find it. Why can't I find it?"

"Buffy, you need to let go of them. It's unhealthy for you to focus on them so much."

"All done. All gone.  My poor Spike, so much unhappiness, need to make it all better."

Listening to Buffy dealing with the remnants of the ritual was hard on Spike. The bonding it had created between the couple had seen them through that terrible time last summer but watching what it was doing to her now was tearing him apart. 

"It's not your responsibility to make Spike happy." Sara reminded the Slayer.

"I want to make him happy but I always seem to mess it up and I hurt him when I don't behave."

"We can discuss all that later but right now, I need you to put a lid over the enclosure, and finish putting his memories away."

"I'm a good girl. The top is on." Buffy sounded like child looking for approval as she stared wide eyed at Sara.

"Are the memories now put away in the enclosure?"

"Yes, they are."

Sara nodded her head in approval and started to make some notes on her pad, "How do you feel about putting them away?"

"I miss them. They were there, comforting me," Buffy stopped for a moment and looked around before leaning forward and whispering. "They kept it away but now…"

Startled Sara looked up, "Kept what away?"

"It's there all the time. Never goes away, sometimes it's so loud, that it chases me away." Buffy closed her eyes and started to hum.

"Is it a humming sound?"

"Singing, humming, it resonates, murmurs, almost voices, sometimes screams, thought they were memories, movie couldn't turn off, then sometimes they go all quiet and they leave me alone."

"These voices and sounds, do they tell you things?"

"Feelings that flood me, hunger and need, sometimes so lonely, Spike has gone away. Won't hold me and the mermaids won't share their secrets and the seashells are washing up on the shore one by one." Buffy's eyes filled with tears and one escaped caressing her cheek before falling from her chin.

So, focused on the conversation between Sara and his wife, Spike jumped when Giles next to him frantically signaled the therapist holding up his notepad. Sara glanced their way, read the note, nodded and returned her attention to Buffy.

"Buffy, is there someone there with you?"

"There's only the baby and me."

"Can you talk to the baby?"

"Baby can't talk back."

"Can you feel the presence of something or someone else?"

Buffy shook her head, "It's getting darker all the time and it frightens me."

"Does the baby bring the darkness?"

"The baby changes everything. Will make it shiny and new. All the wrongs will be made right." Buffy smiled, "We'll have a party, ummm a shower, to celebrate the baby. With balloons and streamers, a lovely cake to be shared with all. They'll bring gifts for the baby."

"Is the darkness an entity? Can you find a way to push it back?"

"I fail. I'm bad and need to be punished. Plays games with me and I never get the right answer. Sometimes it's there and sometimes its not. Sometimes I run and hide but it always finds me."

"Buffy, pay attention, you are the one in control. It's your mind and body. Tell the darkness that it has to go away."

Buffy shifted, pulling her knees up to her chest and her hands resting on her thighs. "Go away, go away, go away, go away, don't want you here, mine, its mine and you can't have it." She sobs and lays her head on the back of the chair. "It's stronger than me. I'm weak, bad, I see things, disappointed my mother, slept with vampires, slutty, not good enough to stay in heaven, hurt the sweet boy who only wanted to love me, spilled my blood, loved the pain more, let me go, just let me go, tired, tired all the time, Spike won't love me if he knew all my secrets." Her head fell forward and she started to cry in gulping sobs as her fingers tangled in her hair. "Make it stop, make it stop, its screaming at me, make it stop."

"Buffy, let go of it and start focusing on my voice."

"No, no, it wants everything," Buffy wailed.

"Buffy, let go of it now and come back to the present."

Ignoring Sara's earlier instructions of not becoming involved in the session, Spike rushed to Buffy's side. No one knew her or her problems more than he did and she was becoming lost to whatever was going on in her head. He knelt on the floor beside her and let his fingers barely rest on her arm. Just enough so that she had something physical to focus on to fight her way back.

"Buffy, I'm right here. I know all your secrets and it doesn't matter to me. I'm always going to love you" 

"Spike?"

"Yeah, it's me. I need you to wake up and come back to me."

Buffy's reached for him and he covered her hands with his own; his thumbs soothed the soft flesh of her wrists. 

"Find me, always find me," Buffy whispered breathlessly and blinked her eyes before retreating again. The fear returned to her eyes as her fingernails dug into Spike's palms. "It doesn't want to let me go."  

"Buffy, it has to let you go." Sara said. "Now wake up, we are all waiting for you."

There in her eyes, it was just a glimmer at first, than the blankness of her stare changed as she took in the room around her. Spike released a breath that he hadn't realized he was holding as those hazel eyes drank him in. Relieved that she had returned so quickly, he ran his fingers down her golden locks and twirled the end around the end of one digit. 

"How are you doing?"  Giles asked.

Buffy turned to look at the older man and she offered up a smile. It was small but it showed her need to return to them fully instead of succumbing to the darkness that was slowly filling her.

"Sleepy, like I haven't slept in days." Buffy murmured, releasing Spike's hands and pushing her hair back. She fussed as she sat up straight again and began to fold the afghan. "Spike, would you hand me my tea?" 

Spike handed her the tea and retreated, following her unspoken request for some space. He settled on the couch again and realized that they were all staring at her draining her beverage. They were all waiting for her to say something to explain what had just happened. If in her wakened state she would still have knowledge of the darkness. His hands ran along his denim clad thighs, wiping the nervous moisture from his palms, and wished that they were at home and if not there than somewhere safer than this office that had officially ended Buffy's good days.

"I'm fine and ready to get out of here," Buffy stated and stood to take her cup over to the small sink. She washed it and put it in the drainer to dry before turning around to look at them.

"I'd like to talk to you for a few moments," Sara said.

Buffy returned to the chair but this time she sat on the edge. Her hands folded in her lap like a recalcitrant schoolgirl.

"What about? We all know what this means. It wasn't the memories so I am officially crazy." Buffy ranted. "It means nothing other than that. There isn't anymore hope or cures. I'm insane and unless I abort my baby, I will only get more insane, possibly to the point of never being cured before anyone can do anything for me." 

"Buffy, let's talk about this." Sara said. "There are always alternate choices." 

"We have gone over all the choices a hundred times before with no new answers. I'm tired of it. I'm just plain tired." 

Buffy grabbed her shoes and stormed from the office. The others waited until the door slammed shut before breathing again and with shaky laughs looked at each other. Spike felt like a traitor sitting there about to discuss his wife behind her back but she wasn't willing to talk about what happened. Besides he wanted to know as much as he could and wanted to hear the opinions of her therapist and the Watcher. 

Sara was doodling on her notepad while Giles fiddled with his tea cup when Spike decided to break the uncomfortable silence. "So, what do we do now?" He asked.

"I kept getting the feeling she was protecting something or someone." Giles said.

"Possession?" Spike asked.

"I don't think so." Sara commented. "Not ruling it out entirely but the other symptoms don't spell out possession. And I would think if there was another entity inside of her or even another personality they would make themselves more known. They would want the world to know that they have control."

"We're back to schizophrenia?" Spike asked. 

"I still think that's the culprit. It fits with the changed personality, the forgetfulness, paranoia and now she's telling us of whispers and being told things to do." Sara said. "Spike, I hate to suggest this but since she is going ahead with the pregnancy…maybe you should consider putting her in a hospital."

"I am not putting her away."

"Spike, just listen to Sara," Giles said. "I know it's not what either of you want but it might be what Buffy needs."

"She needs to be with me." Spike almost shouted. He moved over to the window and stared the waves crashing on the shore. "Was this a set up? To get us here and show us how bad she's become. Was it?"

"No, Spike, it wasn't," Sara replied in a tone that was both neutral and professional. "In a hospital she could get constant care. They would be able to handle the problems that come up as the disease progresses. And be able to monitor the baby."

"Forget it." Spike said, turning back to look at them. "She would consider it a betrayal and I wouldn't do it to her. We'll figure out a way to manage." 

"Everyone is too emotional right now," Giles said, standing. "Let's wait and we can discuss this later."

Spike could only glare at someone he had considered a friend and father figure. Giles' recent behavior toward Buffy angered the vampire; it was like he had already given up on her. Suddenly, his offers to help were becoming circumspect. Were they only a way to gather evidence to force them to commit Buffy? Deciding that he had to find out what was going on, Spike thanked Sara for her time and hurried outside to find his wife. 

The afternoon sun was bright and it took Spike a second to get his bearings. With a quick glance around the parking lot he spotted Buffy leaning against Giles' car. He wished they had taken their own vehicle, suddenly unwilling to spend a moment longer in Rupert's company than necessary. It took him only a few strides to reach her and only another moment to pull her into his arms. When Buffy clung to him, Spike reaffirmed that he would never let her be taken away from him. 

The ride home was quiet. Giles concentrated on driving. Buffy sat in the backseat and stared out the window while Spike tried to figure what to do. But no matter how many different angles he tried to look at it from, no easy answer came to him. He just hoped that he would have the time to try to find out what to do before things got any worse.

to be continued…


	28. Running Through My Fingers

**Chapter 27 – Running Through My Fingers**

_December 5, 2007__ _4:11 PM____

Giles pulled the car into their driveway and almost before it came to a complete stop, Spike and Buffy had climbed out. Spike took her hand and headed for the house without a backward glance.

"Spike, may I speak with you for a moment," Giles called.

The couple stopped and turned to look at him. Spike wanted to tell him to sod off but Buffy laid her hand on his chest and her beseeching eyes met his. 

"Go, talk to him," Buffy said, casting a last glance at her ex-Watcher before walking away. 

Sighing, Spike turned around to find Giles coming around the front of the car toward him.

"I'm sorry if you misunderstood me earlier," Giles said. "I just think that we have to look at everything a little less emotionally for her sake."

Spike laughed humorlessly. "She's my wife, Rupert; it's a little hard for me to view her anyway but emotionally."

Leaning against his car, Giles sighed, "And that is my point. You do see her emotionally and may not be able to clearly see what is best for her."

"The best thing for her is what it has always been: to be with me."

"Has it? I can remember quite a few times when the two of you have been quite poisonous to each other," Giles said. "And most of the time too dependent on the other to be able to see what would be the best thing to do."

Rocking back on his heels, Spike rolled his eyes at the other man. "And yet somehow we make it through whatever it is and are stronger for it. And no matter what is going on we have each other's back, always have, unlike some of our so called friends."

"You're getting paranoid, Spike. No one is trying to hurt either one of you. I want what is best for Buffy and the two of you are too close to see things clearly. The least that you can do is listen to us with an open mind and trust that we might see something that you don't."

"Don't, Rupert," Spike said, his voice dropping dangerously low. "Do you want me to remind you of all the times that if either one of us had trusted the lot of you to make decisions that we might not even be here?"

"Spike, we've all made mistakes but a lot of times we have been right too." Giles removed his glasses and stood up to face the vampire. "We've done what we can. All of us; we've spent countless hours researching and trying to find something that we can vanquish and we can't. We have to accept that she is probably schizophrenic and she needs help. Help that you can't give her."

"She is not going into a hospital. I won't let it happen, no matter what anyone says. Did you forget that she was institutionalized once before by her mother? And its one of the reasons she's having problems now. To go back in would destroy whatever fight she has left in her and I won't let it happen to her."

"And what are you going to do when she is completely insane?" Giles replied sadly. "Sara says the sicker she becomes the more likely she is to become violent."

Spike shrugged, refusing to give an inch to the man in front of him. Buffy trusted him to protect her and their family and he would. No matter what the personal cost to him was. 

"So, far she hasn't been violent." Spike said. "And if--**if--that day comes then I'll decide what to do. But until then she is staying at home with the people who love her. It's up to you if you're one of those people or not."**

Turning Spike started to take a step toward the house.

"And what about your children? Is this the best situation for them to be in? Have you thought about what this is doing to them? That maybe they would be better off…"

Spike didn't give him a chance to finish. In full vampire guise, he grabbed Giles by his coat and pushed him against the car. 

"Listen, because I am only going to say this once. My children are loved, protected and taken care of; a lot more than they would be anywhere else or with anyone else." Spike hauled the Watcher up until he was standing on his tip toes. "Dial one number, utter one word to break up this family and you will deal with me, old man. Do you understand?"

Without waiting for a reply, Spike released Giles and stalked to the house, his body trembling with anger. How could Giles? After all this time and everything they had been through? To just give up? On Buffy? It wasn't right. Somewhere there was, there had to be, an answer that would bring his wife back to him. And Spike wouldn't stop searching until he found it.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 5, 2007__ _7:12 PM____

"Daddy, look, Raven's putting stakes on her stocking," Elijah called out from the security of Buffy's arms. 

Following the call of his son, Spike joined his family at the kitchen table. Sitting next to Raven, he glanced over her shoulder at the designs she was putting on her Christmas stocking.

"What? Mum said to design it however we wanted," Raven defended herself. "And I'm going to put hearts on it, too."

"Yeah, and Connor's picture," Sean teased.

"Oh, shut up, at least mine isn't boring. I think you should put a big fat rainbow on it," Raven retorted, gesturing at Sean's stocking only adorned with his name.

"Stop now you two," Spike advised, seeing the flash of hurt on Sean's face. His hand caressed his daughter's hair for a moment and when he got the feeling that someone was staring at him, Spike turned toward Buffy. "Everything okay, Baby?"

"Yep, right as rain, on the plain in Spain," Buffy quipped. "Okay, sorry, watched 'My Fair Lady' yesterday." Her family shook their heads at her and she broke out in laughter. "You guys, have no sense of humor anymore."

"Might have laughed if it was funny," Raven muttered.

"Don't be mean," Elijah said, looking up from his coloring book. His stocking was done and, like Sean's, had only his name on it. 

A knock on the door interrupted what would have been a dramatic moment in Raven's life having been scolded twice in the last few minutes. Sean hurried to open the door. Xander stood in the doorway, smiled around at everyone before stepping into the kitchen. Sean returned to his seat while Xander glanced down at the project on the table.

"Getting in the Christmas spirit, I see," Xander said.

"And Hanukah and Winter Solstice," Raven announced. "We are an equal opportunity holiday celebrating kind of family." She turned to look at her father. "Do vampires have holidays?"

"None you'd want to celebrate," Spike answered.

"Yeah," Sean said. "Because they all have to do with sacrificing smart mouthed teenage girls."

Raven smacked Sean in the arm, forgetting her strength and knocked him to the floor. But before Sean could retaliate, Spike was between them.

"That's it. Both of you neutral corners now," he demanded. "I don't know what burr is up your arses tonight but settle it." Spike smiled at his wife. "This is a time of celebration and love and you two are ruining it."

Both teens returned to the table and their stockings with reluctance. Spike turned to study his friend, obviously uncomfortable. Their gazes met and Spike knew why he was there. Giles had sent him. 

"What brings you over?" 

"I brought over some of the supplies for the attic," Xander replied. 

"Thought you were going to wait until this weekend," Spike said, unable to keep the anger from his tone. "Or was that just an excuse for the real reason."

Their gazes clashed and Xander raised his hands in mock surrender.

"Here as Switzerland. Strictly neutral, man, strictly neutral." 

Spike didn't want to say anything in front of Buffy and the children. Sighing, he headed for the kitchen door, "Well, come on, let's get it unloaded." 

Neither man said anything until they reached Xander's truck. Spike stood aside as the brunette dropped the tailgate and without discussing it, they both took a seat on it. It was in moments like that one that Spike wished he still smoked. It would take the edge off; instead he looked around his backyard, trying to put off this conversation. No matter had badly the first years had been, the human beside him had become his best friend and in many ways the brother he never had. He knew it was that way for both of them. Xander had confided that he had actually been relieved to have another male around even one as snarky as he was. 

"I didn't come here to fight with you, Spike. I didn't come here to start trouble. Giles called and told me what happened and hey, get this, he thinks if anyone can talk to you, it'd be me."

"Guess he forgot how much you hate me."

"Must've," Xander laughed then sobered as if he remembered the seriousness of the situation. "Look, I am the last one that wants to see anything happen to our girl. Especially being…God, I can't even say it." He paused and Spike was surprised to see tears hovering on Xander's lashes. "She told me. A couple of years ago, it was at one of the parties we always used to have, we were both drunk as skunks and she told me everything about that place. That was too much for a kid to deal with. And the thing is I loved Joyce but in that one act she was almost crueler than my parents have been in my lifetime."

"You're on our side then?"

"There aren't any sides in this. We all love her but maybe we just see different things." 

"She's my wife."

"Yeah, and she is my friend, my sister, my golden girl and my savior, all wrapped in one little body and to this day I would lay down my life for her without a second thought; but I can't fight this, Spike…and neither can you."

Ignoring his friend's pain, Spike hopped off the back of the back of the truck and paced for a few seconds before facing Xander.

"But I will fight it. I will fight it every second of every day until I find an answer to bring her back to me. All of her, happy and whole again," Spike said, tears running down his face. "Buffy is my life, do you understand that? She is precious and needed by me and our children. And I will die before I lock her away somewhere. Because she has already proven that she would do the same."

It was too much and Spike gave into the sobs that were wracking his body. His hand covered his face and didn't see Xander move. All he felt was the arms that wrapped around him and he leaned into his friend. 

"I know, buddy, I know." Xander said, giving little awkward pats to Spike's back. "Hey, it's the season of miracles and if Deadboy can get one. Why not Buffy?"

Spike shook his head and pulled back. "I think Buffy is the Power's little whipping girl. Let's see how much one woman can take." He threw his head back and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before looking at Xander again. "I can't do it. Not now. Not ever. Go tell Giles that. Tell him that he can help us or stay away. She doesn't need anyone to bring her down and make her doubt that one day she'll get through this."

 Xander nodded, "I will." He laid a hand on the vampire's shoulder. "We'll find something. Now, can we be macho men and unload the construction supplies."

"Thank God, too much sentimentality and I would be ready to vomit." Spike joked.  He was relieved that Xander hadn't put any pressure on him to institutionalize Buffy. It wasn't what they needed right now. Maybe they would just let it go but that was too much to hope for because they never did. He would just have to find a way to keep them away from his wife if they persisted.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 6, 2007__ _1:15 AM____

Buffy knew he was there before he said anything; she always did. Her senses searched for him and spoke to her when he was near. The blood rushing a little more, the ache deep in her loins and the tingle along the base of her skull were all things that had started in the last month or so. She hadn't told anyone of this new thing that was happening to her. Her Slayer abilities had always done this because he was a vampire but this was different. Deeper and more needful now. It was a calling for the one thing that would calm her. Like in Sara's office. His voice and his touch anchored her and when he wasn't close a part of her sent out almost psychic messages until he was located. Relief would flood and comfort her once he was found. A warm blanket on a cold night and she turned to watch him emerge from the lower level of the crypt. 

"Hey, Baby, what are you doing in here?" Spike asked, his eyes searching her face. 

She knew what he was looking for, a sign of whether she was here with him or lost somewhere. Smiling, Buffy waited until he was seated on the old couch with her, his arm around the back and she leaned close to him. Her nose was alongside of his and she opened her eyes wide, staring deep into his.

"Just me in here," she teased before kissing him. Light and quick but he captured her face with those hands that always held her so secure and he deepened the kiss. His tongue lapped at her lips and she leaned closer to him, letting her body settle against him. He sighed as she opened her mouth for him to plunder and her fingers danced along his ribs. 

"So, why are you down here instead of sleeping next to me?" 

"Reminiscing," Buffy responded, turning so that her back was against him. Her head cradled under his chin and Spike wrapped his arms around her.

"About this place?" Spike asked, and she could hear the laughter he was holding back. 

"Oh, come on, this was the first place we lived together. You never think about those days?"

"Yeah, I do, they weren't that bad. After all you were with me."

"We were together." Buffy paused for a moment. She covered one of his hands with hers. "I left letters for the children in my vanity drawer." Buffy squeezed his hand when she felt him about to protest. "Shhh, don't. Just in case I don't come out of it one day. I haven't given up. It's just in case. There are things I want to make sure they know."

"Okay."

Buffy knew better to push him too much so she dropped the subject. There would be time to cover the rest. If not there was a letter waiting for him too. 

"So, what is your favorite memory of this place?"

He laughed and tightened his hold on her. "You wearing those skimpy outfits. My God, you looked like a hooker half the time. That and those sex lessons. You were so earnest about learning how to please me."

"And I did quite well, didn't I?" 

"Oh, that you did," Spike said and broke out into song. "_Hot child in the city, runnin' wild and lookin' pretty. Come on down to my place and we'll make love."_

Buffy giggled and turned to kiss him. "I love you so much."

"Love you, too, more than ever."

Meeting his gaze, she smiled, "I know. I've always known and that's why I came here in the first place." She sighed and ran her hand over her belly. "I guess the days of the skimpy outfits are over. I'm going to get fat and…"

Spike shifted until he was kneeling on the floor, his hands covering hers and her stomach. Those blue eyes looked into hers, and she felt chills racing along her body at the love and wonder in their depths.

"No, don't ever say that. You're body is even more beautiful to me now. It's creating a life. Our child. I know I wasn't on board with this when I should have been but I am now. Did you forget what you did? I did for awhile but I remember now."

Buffy ran a hand through his blonde locks, "What did I do?"

"I was a man who had been dead for a hundred years and you brought me back to life. From that we created a little person inside of you and that is the most beautiful thing in this world." Spike leaned forward and kissed the slight bulge of their child, _"I died so many years ago, but you can make me feel like it isn't so." _Spike pulled back embarrassment on his face. "Sorry, don't know why…"

"Sing, hurry," Buffy said, her hand pulling him toward her stomach again. "I don't care what just sing."

_"So, young to be loose and on her own. And why am I singing? Young boys they want to take her home."_

"I felt the baby, Spike, the baby moved when you were singing."

Spike flattened his hand against her, "You felt him. You felt our baby."

Throwing her arms around his neck, she kissed his cheek, wetting it with the tears of joy that were falling. "Yes, I felt our baby. It was just a tiny flutter but she moved because of you. She heard her Daddy singing."

They were both laughing as he started to sing again, random snatches of songs that he remembered as their entwined hands covered their growing child. Buffy smiled at the man kneeling in front of her, at the awe on his face, and she prayed that if there was a choice between her and her baby, they would let her baby be the one to be all right. This child was the proof of their love and continued faith that somehow they would win in the end. As long as the babe was fine then that hope would live on.

to be continued…

Author's note: Lyrics for 'Hot Child in the City' are the property of Nick Glider and Twin Music.


	29. A Family Unraveled

**Chapter 28 – A Family Unraveled**

_December 13, 2007__ _4:25 PM____

Spike knew he was supposed to be paying bills. That was the whole reason for him to hide away in his study but his mouse kept clicking through his favorite sites, checking out things that he enjoyed instead of things he had to do. Buffy was napping, Del was baking in the kitchen, Elijah was with Tara and Sean and Raven were parked in front of the television. He wasn't needed anywhere at the moment and Spike couldn't concentrate on something as mundane as the electric bill when he could look in on some old demon friends of his.

"Dad," Raven said, appearing at the doorway. "Mum just headed outside."

"What is she doing?"

"I don't know but she's in one of her…you know…she was mumbling about something matching."

Sighing, Spike hurried out of the room followed by his daughter. Del and Sean were standing at the back door and stepped out of his way as he came through. 

"Doesn't match, doesn't match at all, won't do, it just won't do," Buffy rambled, kneeling at the flower bed in front of the porch.

"Go back inside. I've got this," Spike said and knelt beside Buffy. "Hey, sweetheart, what's going on?"

"The flowers are wrong. Don't match the house," Buffy answered, pulling plants from the ground and throwing them aside. "Can't stand, abide, bear, don't like them. Have to go, they have to go.

"We planted them for the fall, remember?"

"We should have painted the house then. Do it now but," Buffy said, reaching her arms up. "I can't reach the top. No, no, can't reach, so they have to die, they'll die, just like everything else I touch. No, that's" Her hands rubbed her temples. "Me, they go away. All go away." She turned to look at Spike. "Why haven't you gone away like the others?"

Spike tucked her hair behind her ear but Buffy pulled away to yank more plants from the ground. He shook his head at the dirt that was flying everywhere as she threw her victims haphazardly away. The last few days had been relatively calm ones for his wife. Feeling her baby move had put her on this high that she had been determined to maintain. 

"Because I love you, Buffy, that's why I stay." Spike answered, feeling he was talking to himself as Buffy scooted away to attack some more of their flowers. "Told you I'd always be here and I will."

"Fool," Buffy declared, crawling back to him. Her hands cupped his face as she searched for something. "You don't love me. Prize. Won me, no, maybe you do." Her hands rubbed her belly for a moment then came to cup his face again. "I'm a Mummy now and you like to fuck your mums. But I'm not your Mum, not nearly but you made me a Mum, does that count?"

"What are you talking about?" 

Glancing back at the house to make sure their family was still inside, Spike contemplated Buffy. Her words had hit something inside of him that he didn't like to think about. Something he tried to forget but Buffy had seen it and had never brought up until now. She had known that it was something of great shame for him and best left alone. 

"Your Mummy. You loved her very much didn't you? Yes, you did. She always petted and caressed you. The only woman that would touch William." Buffy leaned to whisper in his ear. "Wet dreams about your own mother. How very very naughty. William was a bad boy with his hands, then your other Mummy came and you could play with her all you wanted. Fuck your Mummy, finally got to be inside, crawl back, where you wanted to be."

"Stop it, Buffy, please," Spike pleaded, aghast at her words. This couldn't be happening. Buffy could be bitchy and mean to him but never had anything crueler come from her. He tried to tell himself it was the insanity that she couldn't help it but the humiliation was almost overwhelming. His hands grasped her arms and shook her to try to snap her out of it.

"Fuck Mummy, lick her, and kiss her, and," Buffy stopped for a moment and her eyes opened wide. "You beat your Mummy with a whip and paddle. Is that why you want to play games with me?" Her head tilted to the side and her hand drifted down to his chest. "When your Mummy, the one you murdered, spanked you, did it make you all hard?"

Spike slapped her. 

"Oh, God, Buffy, I'm sorry," Spike said, trying to pull her up from where she lay on the ground. She refused his help and remained on the ground, holding her cheek. He brushed her hair out of her face. "Baby, come on, let's go and get you cleaned up." 

"Nothing is right today. Can't find it." Buffy said, looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "It doesn't match and my face hurts." She rested her hand on his arm. "Pain it calls out to me." She dragged her nails down his arm, leaving a trail of scratches that broke the skin and drew blood. She pulled him to her and her tongue lapped at the blood. "Mine, always mine, bad women, from before, didn't understand."

Blood and tears flowed as he watched Buffy lick at the scratches. Someone had ripped his soul from him that afternoon as he saw a new level in Buffy's illness. Somewhere in his mind, he could see traces of Drusilla in the woman before him but it had to be similarities of the insanity. The memories were still there, mixing with the present creating this mess that existed only in Buffy's slowly crumbling mind. Finally he stood, picking her up in his arms and carried her upstairs to the bathroom; he ignored their family that sat at the kitchen table. He couldn't help them right now or reassure them because there was no one to do that for him.

Reaching the bathroom, he started the shower and undressed the momentarily docile Buffy. After undressing himself he led her under the warm spray and she shivered as the water flowed over her. 

"Hold still, Luv, I'm going to wash your hair," Spike said when she tried to move from under the water. He squirted shampoo onto her tresses and started to work it in as her hands flowed over his chest. 

"Don't get it in my eyes. It stings, please, no sting, like a bee."

"Put your head back." Buffy acquiesced and he rinsed the shampoo from her, his hand gently wiped all the suds from her face before pulling her out of the stream. "See, all done, now…"

"Want to take a bath." She whined and opened the shower door. "Do you want to take a bath? Want to swim. Why don't we have a pool? My Daddy had one in Los Angeles. He doesn't love me anymore."

Spike wrapped his arm around her to try to keep her in the shower but she struggled against him. In resignation he turned the water off and walked them over to the tub.

"Hold on, let me get the water right," Spike said when she tried to climb into the tub. He adjusted the temperature and flipped the stopper while keeping an eye on his wife who was sniffing all the bath bubbles and oils. 

"This one, please, can I have this one," Buffy asked, thrusting a bottle of pear scented bubble bath at him. "First date, lick, slam, suck, rode Spike, no, they stopped us. Why did they stop us?"

"I don't know, Love, just didn't understand I guess."

"Never understand." Buffy pouted as she climbed into the bathtub. Her fingers chased the bubbles created as Spike poured the scented gel in. Spike put the bottle away and grabbed a hair clip and slid in behind her. She slid forward enough for him to fit behind her and put her head back when requested for him to put her hair up. With a sigh, he let his hands trace along her back when he was done. She seemed sad and lost and he regretted the slap from earlier. 

It had been too much at the time and it had hurt. Buffy had never gone that deep before into a place that was so tender and once again he tried to justify it with the illness. In a way it made sense to him along with the familiar tones of Dru because she had all those memories locked away inside of her and it wouldn't take much for them to blend together and with Buffy's own interpretations come out tainted and twisted. 

"Did Angel fuck his Mummy?"

"What?" Spike asked, shaken from his reverie.

Her hands feathered down his legs and her fingers twisted his toes.

"Did Darla and Angel have sex?" Buffy tilted her head. "Of course, they did. They made Connor from their incest. Does that make Darla both his mother and grandmother?" She giggled and looked back at him. "That makes Connor your uncle either way. Need to respect your elders, you do."

"Is that what you're trying to do? Figure out family lines?"

"Belong…" She pointed at the marks on her neck. "Angel and Dracula both bit me and you too. Who do I belong to?"

"You belong to me, Pet."

"Are we mates?"

"Not in the vampire way, exactly, but in a way that counts for us."

Buffy turned away, pulling her legs up and resting her face against them. She started to hum some tune that Spike didn't know and he ran the sponge over her back, watching the water as it ran across her flesh. Except for her humming and the lull of the water it was quiet. An eerie, almost surreal, tone had taken over the day and he almost wished this part wouldn't end for awhile. 

"Child," Buffy whispered, leaning back against him. She took his hands and laid them on her stomach. "Our child, not made from blood, who does she belong to?"

"He belongs to us." Spike answered, placing a kiss on her temple. "You're not a vampire, Buffy, you're human, you know who you're family is."

"No, I don't. My Daddy doesn't want me. My Mommy is dead. My sister wants what is mine and the others," Buffy growled. "The others don't want me anymore. I wanted you to be my Daddy and protect me and love me but the baby was coming. You saw before I did and I couldn't be your childe. The baby will fix everything and the family will fall into line again. Yes, such days to come."

A chill ran through Spike and he wanted to question her some more but someone knocked on the door. 

"Yes," Spike called out.

"Max is here and dinner is going to be ready in ten," Sean called.

"Max, I want to see Max," Buffy said, scrambling up and hurrying toward the door and Spike just managed to stop her before she went tearing downstairs, wet and naked.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 13, 2007__ _6:10 PM____

Max leaned back in his chair and took a sip of his beer. His eyes flickered between the members of the family in front of him. Elijah had been dropped off about the time that he arrived and was the only one that seemed to be upbeat. Del had whispered that Buffy was having a bad afternoon and it was left at that.   
  
"Raven, you still going to the dance on Saturday night?" Max asked, trying to ease the tension a little in the room. 

The Slayer stopped in her tracks on her way to the table with a handful of plates. She turned deadly eyes to Sean before proceeding. "No, I'm not. Ask Sean why."

"Sean?"

Max watched in amusement as Raven slammed the plates down as she set the table and Sean, ignored her as he piled biscuits onto a platter.

"SHE didn't think about asking me and just assumed that I would escort her. I have a date, thank you."

"With a girl and that doesn't count." Raven exclaimed.

"With a friend and that does count." Sean said, bringing the platter over. "And besides it's none of your business."

"Shhh," Buffy said as she walked into the room. "We have company." She stopped in front of Max for a moment before reaching down to take his hands. "Are you company or family?" 

"Hoping I'm family since it's almost dinner time and I'm starving." Max joked, his eyes growing big as his hands were shoved under Buffy's blouse.

"The baby moved. I felt it. It's life inside, growing in me. Spike says it belongs to us. What do you think?"

Max glanced around the room but the others continued their chores and Spike just looked sad at the exchange as he walked toward them. Max shook his head, Buffy wasn't bothering him and he didn't need her husband to take her away. Instead, he splayed his hands against her stomach and smiled up at her.

"Did it feel like a butterfly? I heard that said one time, that it felt like the fluttering of butterfly wings." 

"I like that. Butterfly, maybe that's what we'll call her." Buffy giggled. "Rebirth, metamorphosis, renewal, new start, yes, my baby is a butterfly. She is going to change everything."

"Is it time, Mummy?" Elijah asked.

"No, hush now, time for everything later," Buffy answered, stepping away from Max. "It's time for dinner. I'm hungry now. Everybody eat. Have to go potty. Be back." 

After Buffy moved into the hallway, Max finally turned to Spike, questions piled on the tip of his tongue but was silenced by the shaking of his friend's head. The children were here and although they knew almost everything that happened, there were still things kept separate and the questions would wait. 

"So, she's still funny?" Raven asked, glancing up at her father as she took her place at the table. 

"Yeah, she is," Spike answered. "Elijah, what did you mean? When you asked about it being time?"

The boy looked up at his father and shook his head. "Mummy said we'd play later and I wanted to play now."

Spike crouched down to talk to his son directly and Max smiled at the gesture. It was something he figured that he would never have and watching moments like this made him almost regret his decisions.

"I don't think Mummy is going to be up playing with you tonight. Maybe Raven or Sean will play," Spike said, glancing at his other two children who both nodded. "See, after dinner, they'll take care of you. Okay?"

"Okay," Elijah answered.

"Spike," Buffy wailed from the back of the house and Spike and Max both took off to find her.

"Children, sit and eat." Del said as they watched the two men disappear into the hallway. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 13, 2007__ _6:30 PM____

The crying was coming from the study and the two men rushed in. Buffy was rocking in the middle of the couch with her feet pressed together. In her hand was the phone which she held up to Spike. 

"He doesn't understand. Angel can't explain." Buffy said. "I told him you slapped me and now he's angry."

Dreading what was coming Spike took the phone from Buffy and sat on the couch next to her as Max sat on the other side. Giving the instrument one last glare, he reluctantly held it to his ear. 

"Hello," Spike said.

"Spike, what is going on?" Angel asked. 

Angel was back to that tone of voice that let Spike know that he was never good enough and he didn't have it in him to fight tonight so he just leaned back into the couch and told the truth. 

"She's having a bad day."

"You slapped her?"

"Yeah, I did." Spike said. "I know it was wrong, so you don't need to tell me. She said something that really hurt and I reacted."

Spike was drawn back to his wife as Buffy took his hand and then reached for Max's, pressing them together as she inspected them. She held the two together with one hand while the fingers on the other, floated over them, moving them.  Spike realized that Angel was speaking again and he tried to catch at least some of what he was saying.

"You need to watch yourself and not take it so personally, Spike. I know it can be hard." 

There was a multitude of things Spike could say in response but didn't. One of which was 'How would you know? You always sent Dru my way when things were bad'. But he didn't, he just let it go. 

"You're bigger than Spike," Buffy said as she let their hands go. Her gaze turned to Max, her hand cupping his cheek. "You're strong, too but I'm stronger. I could kill you before you could move."

"I'm sure you could."

"But I won't. You're family. My family. I had sex with Angel. Spike had sex with Angel. Did you have sex with Angel?"

"Buffy, stop it," Spike said, interrupting her.  

"What the hell is she talking about?" Angel sputtered. 

The indignation in his Sire's tone did it and Spike couldn't help laughing as he tried to answer Angel's query.

"She's asking Max if he had sex with you. Right after she told him she could kill him."

But his laughter had his wife turning to him, guilt written on her face and he slipped his arm around her, pulling her against him, in an effort to reassure her that it wasn't directed at her. 

 "I'm sorry. I've been bad today." Buffy said, her eyes filling with tears again. "I can't get it. It's right there but it's all mixed up." She reached a hand out in front of her. "Why can't I get it? Let me talk to Angel." Her hand reached for the phone but Spike evaded her and stood as Max held her away. 

"Buffy, let me finish talking to Angel then I'll let you talk to him." Spike said as sat on the corner of the desk, sighing as she clicked the speaker button on the phone base.

"Angel, Spike doesn't want me to talk to you."

"You can talk to me anytime you want." 

Frustration was evident on Spike's face as he clicked the phone off and took a seat on the coffee table. There was nothing in his control at the moment and all he could do was try to keep up as more and more sinkholes were created.

"Will you come take care of me when Spike goes away?"

"Isn't Delores going to be there?"

"They're around. They are flying about my head and the noise is too much. Need an Angel to protect the butterfly." 

"Spike, pick up the phone." 

Spike did as he was told and returned to sit at the desk while Max kept Buffy occupied. His hand covered his face and for a moment wanted this whole day to start over.

"You there?" Angel asked.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Giles was right. You are too close to see."

"Oh, that is just bloody great. Buffy is over here thinking you're going to protect her when you're in cahoots with the Watcher." 

"Spike, do you really think that I would let that happen to her?" Angel asked. "I wouldn't. I don't know something just isn't right with this whole thing. Maybe I see it because I'm not in the middle of it everyday. When did this episode start?"

"This afternoon, she'd been taking a nap but woke up upset."

"And what were you talking about before she lay down?"

"What are we going to do play twenty questions?" Spike asked. He wasn't in the mood for games and although Max seemed to be comfortable with Buffy, Spike didn't want to take any chances. Her moods had been erratic and at any moment she might be ready to take off again. "What's your point?"

"Just trying to get you to realize that this was probably prompted by the fact that you are leaving tomorrow and she's afraid of being without protection. Giles wants to put her in a hospital and Xander and Willow have power of attorney if you are unavailable."

"Bollocks," Spike exclaimed. His Sire was right. It had to be and he hadn't figured it out. "I'm going to cancel the trip." 

"Don't cancel. Cordy and I'll be there by midnight. We'll talk then."

Before Spike could answer, Angel hung up. His gaze returned to Max and his wife who were in an earnest conversation.

"So, should the house be brown for the winter?" Max asked. "Since everything is darker."

"No, Max, orange would be better," Buffy answered. "The airplanes wouldn't crash into it and neither would the angels."  

"Are you worried about someone crashing into the house?"

Buffy shook her head, "If it's brown then it would look like dirt and they might think they are supposed to land here. No, it's orange. We need to go buy paint."

Shaking his head, Spike took her hand. "No painting tonight. Especially orange because the demons could find us easier too." 

"Is Angel coming?" Buffy asked, allowing Spike to pull her to her feet.

"Yep, he'll be here in a few hours." Spike answered, slipping his arms around her as they headed for the kitchen. "All you have to do is relax now. You're all safe."

Spike kissed the back of her head and hoped he was right. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 13, 2007__ _9:50 PM____

Elijah waited until his father had reached the bottom of the stairs before opening his door all the way. He did a quick sweep of the second floor and once he was assured that only Mummy and he were upstairs, he hurried across the hall. His Mummy had been calling for him for hours and no one would let them be alone.  Why didn't they understand that she wouldn't hurt him? No matter what mood his mother was in, she loved and protected him.

"Mummy, you awake?" Elijah asked, approaching the bed cautiously. For a moment he hesitated and using the visual wall that Auntie Tara had told him about, he protected himself from the onslaught of his mother's mind. With everyone else, it was still rare that he could pick up anything other than feelings and emotions but his mother was different and it was growing stronger every day. Since he had gotten home this afternoon, she had been calling to him, using him to hold onto while the world around her fragmented. 

"Yes, I'm awake," Mummy answered, holding her hand out to him and he scrambled onto the bed beside her.

His hands caressed her face, running from forehead to chin and then repeated the motion. She had once told him that it gave her a focal point that relaxed her and helped her deal with everything. 

"Is Great-Grandfather coming?" Elijah asked. "Did you call him?"

"Yes, he is. So, we'll be protected while Daddy is gone. Just remember if Mummy has to hide that you come with me."

"Okay, why can't we tell Daddy?"

"It's not time yet because the baby is still too little." 

Mummy pulled him to her and he let himself cuddle into her. He liked to be held like this because it made him feel safe and the expectations not so big. It was his job to protect the baby because he was the only one who knew all the secrets and it frightened him to be so important. 

to be continued…


	30. Midnight Conspiracies

**Chapter 29 – ****Midnight**** Conspiracies**

_December 13, 2007__ _11:42 PM____

The night air carried frost with it and the five young people shivered every time the wind blew around them. Even the adrenaline rush of fighting couldn't stave off the cold and after a few kills they were ready to head home. Of course as duty called they would take the indirect route and patrol two more cemeteries on the way. Raven watched Josh holding Dawn close and wished that Connor would hold her like that but as it was, things weren't too bad because he was walking shoulder to shoulder with her. _Probably just trying to keep his skinny ass warm_, she thought but it still kept him close, so who was she to complain?

"Did Buffy calm down any before you left the house?" Dawn asked, glancing over her shoulder at Raven and Sean. 

"Yeah, she was watching TV and holding Candy on her lap when we left." Sean answered. "Angel and Cordelia should be there by the time we get home." 

"Great, just what I need; more Dad time," Connor complained. "Why did Buffy call him to watch her? Why couldn't we just do it?"

"Maybe because there is no way Spike would let you stay in the house overnight," Josh said. 

Everyone turned to look at Raven and she threw her hands up and kept walking as they laughed. 

"Come on, Raven, everyone knows that you'd compromise poor Connor if he was there," Sean joked, regretting it instantly as he was faced with a pissed off Slayer.

"Shut up, Sean, you are dancing on the very last nerve I have for you. If you want to maintain any bit of friendship with me, you'll back off now."

"Calm down, Rave," Connor said, pulling her by the arm and away from Sean. "He's just joking and he wouldn't do it if you wouldn't take it so hard."

"Forget it…let's go," Raven said, turning and heading toward the cemetery entrance.

Raven led the way with everyone following her in silence as they moved along the empty streets of Sunnydale. They just didn't understand anything and Sean had been really mean to her lately. She had always been his friend, his comfort and security in a world that he wasn't accepted in and now he didn't seem to need her anymore. It made her realize how much she actually needed him to be her anchor. Raven glanced back at him, talking to Connor about some new video game they had discovered and she felt alone. Burying her hands in her pockets, she turned into the next graveyard.

A scream sounded ahead and Raven took off running, knowing that the others would follow. A vampire had a girl pinned against a crypt and when he saw the young people coming toward him, he turned to run but didn't make it as Raven and Connor circled him. With a sweep of his hand, Connor allowed Raven the kill as the others directed the young woman back to her car. 

Raven watched the dust settle around her and wondered if given the chance and a soul, could the creature she had destroyed been like her father. The thought was too much and she burst into tears. Some nights it was just harder than others to be the Slayer. Arms encircled her and she leaned into Connor's embrace and let him take care of her.

"Of the millions of the vampires that have roamed the earth only two have turned out like Spike and Angel, don't let it do this to you," Connor whispered to her.

Nodding, Raven pulled away and wiped her eyes. "It's not just that. It's Mum, they want to lock her up."

"Who does?"

The other three had returned by this time and were standing in a semi-circle around the couple. 

"Giles and Kate," Dawn answered. "They think it would be best for her to be under constant care."

"It wouldn't be," Connor said. "How do you feel about it? You and Josh?"

"What kind of question is that?" Josh asked, stepping slightly in front of Dawn. 

"It's a simple one. Kate and Giles are your parents. Do you side with them or with Buffy? I think we deserve to know."

"Connor, don't," Raven said, putting her hand on his arm. "It's not about sides."

"Yes, it is," Sean said, stepping closer to Connor leaving Raven between the two sides. "You heard it as well as I did. Giles wants to put Buffy away and take us away from Spike. I think I do need to know how Dawn and Josh feel. Is everything I say being reported back to their parents for later use against us?"

Raven stepped closer to Sean, turning to look at her Aunt and her husband. It had never occurred to her before that her relationship with Dawn and Josh would ever compromise her mother and their family. Her eyes narrowed as she remembered all the things that she had freely shared with them.

"Buffy is my sister," Dawn declared, rolling her eyes. "And I've been in the system and I wouldn't do that to anyone."

"And Giles has always been considered a father to her but he seems ready to do it." Raven said. "So, what do you think is best for Buffy? No sides, just what do you think is best?"

"To be with her family," Dawn whispered. "She's been through enough and I remember when she came home the first time. She seemed almost dead inside. I'll do whatever I have to so she doesn't go in again."

"Josh?" 

The reluctance to side against his mother shone in Josh's eyes but in the end he nodded his head. 

"I'm in with you guys."

A collective sigh of relief ran through them as once again they were united. Raven smiled at them before starting to walk home again.

"Okay, we all agree that she shouldn't be committed. But what can we do?" Raven said. "Even you three," she gestured toward Connor, Dawn and Josh, "are still considered to be the kids in the family. No one is going to listen to us."

"Isn't that why Angel is coming? To protect Buffy while Spike is gone," Dawn said. 

"Yeah, he is. Mum insisted on calling him."

"Is he though?" Connor asked. "My Dad has a tendency to do what he wants."

"I'm going to have Elijah check him and Cordelia in the morning to see if he's uncomfortable with them."

Dawn laughed, "Check them?"

"Touch them," Sean answered. "He'll be able to tell if they are hiding something. Like a lie detector."

"He can do that?" Josh said. "How cool."

"Yeah, the little booger is definitely gaining more ground on the power department. Some of which I don't think he's sharing with us." Raven said. "It's like he can read my mind."

"Remind me to watch what I'm thinking at your house. You're Dad can smell us and your brother can read our thoughts." Connor said, dodging playful blows from Raven. "Welcome to The House of Blood where there are no secrets."

They all laughed as they turned the last corner and saw the house at the end of the lane. Even though it stood stark against the night and the cemetery behind it, there was a welcoming aura about it. The Christmas lights hung along the roof and the smoke curling from the chimney. It was home and Raven felt its pull. She was surprised when she felt Connor's hand curled into hers and she turned to smile at him. It had become a home to him also and she squeezed his fingers in understanding. 

Parked in the driveway was Angel's Pontiac and they stopped again.

"So, what do we do?" Raven asked. "I think Elijah knows more than he is letting on but he won't talk to me and I know he's scared about something. Maybe it's just everything that's going on but…"

"I know," Sean interrupted. "He's seems to be the closest one to her right now. The games they play and they are always whispering about something."

"I can feel the energy between them," Raven said. "I've tried to touch him when he's touching her to see if I can pick up on something but I think he's got a wall up because I can't get anything."

"Maybe we just tell them that we don't want her institutionalized," Josh said. "And we'll do what we have to do to help. Dawn and I are going to dinner with our parents tomorrow and we'll see what we can find out."

"And I'll remind them of when I was in the system and of Buffy being hospitalized before," Dawn said. "Maybe it will make them think a little more."

"Thanks, I'm glad that you're on our side," Raven said.

It wasn't a lot but it was a start. If they said they'd help then Raven was confidant they would. It was time to start making plans again and ideas started to flow through her mind as the group headed for the house, intent on joining the meeting already taking place inside.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 13, 2007__ _11:51 PM__

The fire leapt as Spike threw another log on and poked at them. It didn't need to be done. It was just something to do while he waited for Angel and Cordelia to get settled in the study. Spike glanced over at Max sitting in the side chair. His friend was staring intently into the flames. The evening had been hard on everyone as Buffy had continued her pleas to know that she was surrounded by family. Finally a couple of hours ago she had fallen asleep on the couch and thankfully hadn't woken when Spike carried her upstairs and put her to bed. 

"You want another drink?" Spike asked.

"Nah, I'm fine." Max answered. "So, do you want me to stay for this or if you want I can take off and find a hotel or something?"

"Stay," Spike answered. By this time Max was a part of the family and after today there wasn't a whole lot that he didn't know about them, thanks to Buffy's unusual bluntness at the oddest times. 

"Why is he here?" Angel asked, striding into the room. 

"Because he's going on the trip with me," Spike answered. He stood and faced his Sire who was settling on the couch and turning a disdainful eye toward Max. "One of the stops is Atlanta. I thought we covered this."

"Just seems funny that Buffy always has these bad episodes whenever he's around." Angel pronounced. "Thanksgiving and then today."

The tension bristled between the older vampire and the human as they stared at each other. Spike sighed, "Stop it. Max isn't responsible. Buffy started today before he arrived. Okay?"

Angel shrugged, "If you say so."

The men turned as Cordelia entered the room and walked toward her husband. 

"I thought the bull between the three of you was over," she said, situating herself against Angel's side. "It's not going to help anything. If stress makes Buffy worse then I'm glad she's asleep because this would send her off the wall."

"Your husband resents my being here," Max said.

"Maybe if you'd apologize for trying to have sex with one of his employees on his desk, it might help," Cordelia said, smiling while her fingers curled over Angel's arm. "And not to cause more trouble but a lot of Buffy's and Spike's trouble started with the arrival of Donna and you. She's gone but you're still here."

  
"And aren't you the one who just said this tension wasn't good," Spike reminded her. His eyes flickered over his friend before turning back to his Sire.  "And didn't you have him checked out before you let him anywhere near your operation?"

"Touché," Angel said. "Still don't like him."

"You don't like anyone," Spike responded. A small smile touched his lips at his Sire who still needed to feel like he was the alpha male. No matter how human Angel wanted to be, when it came to basic things like dominance he still reverted to his demon roots.

"How bad was Buffy today?" Cordelia said, successfully changing the subject. "Angel filled me in on what happened up to and during the phone call but what's happened since then."

"The same," Spike said. "She kept needing reassurance that she belonged and kept telling us that she couldn't find it or couldn't reach it. Whatever it was." Laughing, he shook his head. "Then there was the sex stuff. It was just more along the lines of who had sex with whom."

Cordelia leaned forward on her forearms. "Spike, think about it. Sex is one of the ways that people bond. We do it to so we don't feel alone, for comfort and for love. It just goes along with the family talk. She's all mixed up and is just making sure that she isn't alone." 

It was so simple and Spike hadn't seen it at all. All he had been concerned about was being embarrassed and that she was being cruel to him. Everything seemed to hit him at one time and he took a seat and buried his face in his hands. He had failed his wife by not trying to understand what she was telling him, it had taken the poof and Cordelia to explain it to him. Something so basic should have been figured out by him. 

"Don't do that, Childe," Angel said. "You're here with her all the time and its emotionally draining for you. 

"When did you get to be so bloody perceptive?"

"Living with Cordelia," Angel replied. "It was the only way to survive."

The room grew quiet as Spike continued to berate himself for his treatment of Buffy. With an anguished sigh, Spike looked up at the others, "If she is that upset about me leaving then I should stay here."

"And what are you going to do?" Cordelia asked. "Sacrifice the rest of your life? Never go anyone or do anything just to be with her?"

"Does that mean you're on the side that wants to lock her away?" Connor said from the doorway. 

Those gathered in the living room turned to look at the young people at the entranceway. Angel stood to face his son and Spike hoped this wasn't going to turn into a battle between the two.

"Don't speak to Cordelia like that," Angel said.

"It wasn't meant to insult her," Connor replied, walking further into the room. "It was a simple question. Do you want to put Buffy into a hospital or do you think she should be at home?"

"If I could finish what I started," Cordelia interrupted. "Why don't you all come in and take a seat?" She waited until the Slayer and the Scoobettes had taken seats on the floor in front of the fireplace before continuing. "I was trying to tell Spike that he is only going away for a few days. It's not like he is abandoning Buffy or leaving her in danger. He needs to get out of here and breathe every once in awhile in order to be able to continue to cope."

"She needs me."

"Yeah, she does but you can't help her if you're burned out." Cordelia said, laying a hand on his arm before her gaze settled on her step-son. "And to answer your question, no, I don't think she needs to be in a hospital. They wouldn't know what was real and what wasn't. No matter how familiar they were with the demon world."

"I'd like to say something," Josh said. "I know this has turned into a sides thing but I don't think it really is. I know my Mom loves Buffy and wants what is best for her but she doesn't understand. She's a doctor and thinks that the scientific way is the best way. And Giles is hearing all that so is kind of going along with it." He threw his hands up. "But like I said I don't agree with them and am willing to fight to keep Buffy at home."

"So, everyone here is in agreement that Buffy stays with us, right?" Spike asked. His gaze slid from one face to the next, taking in their nods of assents or murmured yeses. Something in him relaxed as he realized that he wasn't alone in his fight for his wife. "I talked to Xander the other day and I don't think he'd help them out but I don't know. He's confused."

"We'll keep her safe," Angel said. "You're leaving her and your children in capable hands. No one should have a problem with anything. If someone does then we remove Buffy from the house and keep her safe until you can get back here."

"Hopefully, this won't turn out to be an issue," Dawn said. "We're going to talk to Kate and Giles tomorrow."

Spike listened to the ebb and flow of the conversation around him as he slumped back into his chair. It was with relief that he realized that Buffy would be kept safe while he was gone. No one in this room would let anything happen to his wife and family if they could help it. Guilt gnawed at him because as much he hated to admit it, the thought of not dealing with Buffy for a few days was a welcome reprieve.

~~~~~~~~~

_December 14, 2007__ _2:25 AM____

Panic flooded Buffy as surely as the darkness around her and she shook her head in an attempt to clear it. It stayed and brought the knowledge that she was awake and it was night time. She searched her mind and was relieved to find that she was able to think again. Quickly she traced the day and the last full thought was when she had been lying down that afternoon for a short nap. After that there were only images and quick glimpses of what the rest of the day had been for her. 

A glance at the clock told Buffy that it was the middle of the night and that she had lost most of the day and night. Her body was demanding release and she sat up only to find that she was wearing a wrist restraint with a lock.  Finding the lead that was attached to it, she gave it a gentle tug to find that it was fastened to the headboard. Her first thought was just to break it but realized that was the idea. Spike knew it wouldn't hold her but the commotion made by her breaking it would awaken him. Frustrated at being tied, she turned to snap at her husband, when the moonlight showed the scratches on his arm. A memory jogged her and she looked down at her hands. Raven had cut her nails off to just below the fingertip. 

_Well, great, I'm tied up like a dog, groomed like a dog,_ she thought before with horror remembering Spike feeding her bites of dinner since she was too distracted talking to Max about something to try and feed herself. Humiliation flooded her at how far she had descended and made Buffy want to hide somewhere and cry. But her body's demand was greater than her need for self-pity and she leaned over to kiss Spike on the corner of his mouth.

"Spike, wake up."

Her hand ran under the covers to see if he was wearing pants that the key might be in but he was nude. Sighing, she shook him by the shoulder and when he still didn't awaken she pushed at him.

"Spike, damn it, wake up."

The anger and frustration was taking control by the time he turned sleepy eyes to her.

"What's up, Pet?"

"I have to pee and it seems that I am tied up." She said, watching him as walked to the dresser. "You shouldn't do it unless you want to get woken up." 

"It was a long night. Wasn't trying to ignore you," Spike said, squatting as he unlocked her restraint. 

"And I suppose that's all my fault," Buffy snapped, striding from the room and trying to ignore the sigh from Spike. She knew it wasn't his fault and that he was only trying to protect her but to have to ask to be unlocked so she could go to the bathroom was demeaning. Sitting on the toilet she tried to bring her emotions under control by breathing deep and telling herself that no one could be blamed for what was happening to her. But that was too rational for her overloaded system. 

When she came out of the bathroom she found Spike sitting on the floor with his head against the wall and her heart hurt for what she was doing to him. Crouching down next to him, she ran her fingers down his face.

"I'm sorry," Buffy whispered, as he took her hand and kissed the palm. "I'm going to go downstairs and get something to drink. Go back to bed."

"It's okay. I'll come with you," Spike said, standing while her hand was still held by his. He frowned when she pulled it away.

"Suit yourself," Buffy said, heading down the stairs and tried to ignore Spike dogging her every step. She could understand the protectiveness when she was out of it but she wasn't now. All she wanted was to walk downstairs, independently, and pour a glass of juice without feeling like she was incompetent. 

Buffy busied herself fixing a drink while Spike sat at the table, his head held up by his hand and she refused to feel guilty. She had told him to go back to bed and he insisted on tagging along. Her stomach growled when she opened the refrigerator and with a glance back at Spike, she shrugged and pulled out fixings for a sandwich. After putting the food on the table, she returned for a knife, pulling the drawer out and ran her fingers along the utensils. After reassuring herself that Spike couldn't see, slipped a paring knife in her pocket. With a quick pat, she grabbed a butter knife and returned to the table.

"You hungry?" Spike asked, eyeing the large sandwich she was assembling.

"Yeah, I guess my keeper didn't feed me…" Buffy said, breaking off after seeing the hurt on her husband's face.  "Guess you think I'm an ungrateful bitch?" 

"No, but I don't like being attacked like this. It's not my fault and I'm just trying to take care of you," Spike said. 

"I guess you blame me then."

"No, I don't blame you," Spike responded, exasperation clearly showing on his face. He wiped a hand over his face and rubbed at his eyes. "I'm just tired, Buffy."

Buffy wanted to scream at him that she had told him to go to bed. She wanted to turn the table over just to break something. She wanted to stand in the middle of the kitchen and scream until her voice was gone. She wanted to run until she was safe again. She wanted to be able to decide when to eat and go to the bathroom. She wanted the short span of happiness that had been theirs when Spike had become a hybrid and they had found out about the baby. She wanted control of her emotions and mind again. 

In the end she stood and put the sandwich things away and threw half of the one she had made away. 

"Maybe you don't blame me but I do," Buffy said, tugging on Spike's hand. "Let's go back to bed." At the top of the stairs she turned toward the bathroom again. "Please, I just need to go again and I'll be right in. The house is all locked up and the alarm is on. I wouldn't get far."

Spike's tiredness won out and he kissed her forehead and walked to the bedroom. Buffy breathed in the brief freedom and slipped into the bathroom. It had been a long time but the ritual was imbedded in her memory like an old friend she was welcoming home. The door was locked, a candle was lit to mask the scent of blood, a washcloth was put on the sink to wipe up the blood, the paring knife was laid on the back of the sink and her clothes were removed and folded carefully on the back of the toilet. 

Buffy preened in the mirror, her hands running over her flesh, deciding which part of her body would be the recipient of her rage. Her breasts, inner thighs, and buttocks were rejected in case Spike wanted to have sex before he left. Her stomach was discarded to protect her baby. 

Slowly Buffy picked the knife up and ran her finger along the sharpened edge, letting her inner turmoil rejoice at having an outlet. Raising her arm she pressed the blade to her inner arm right above her armpit. This was hers. Her pain. Her choice. She pulled it along her flesh, wincing at the sting but the blood flowed releasing the frustration held inside of her. Everything else disappeared as she watched the sticky red substance run down her side. Her breathing picked up and she grabbed the cloth to wipe away the evidence. It wasn't enough and she put her foot on the toilet.

Buffy reasoned that she could explain it away by saying that she had scratched it in the yard somehow. A cut was placed above her ankle about three inches long. She smiled this time. They never had to know. They could do whatever they wanted in the name of protecting her but this was hers to control. No one-- well meaning intentions or not --could take this away from her. 

After cleaning up and dressing again, she pulled bandage tape out of the first aid kit and secured the knife under the sink. With a quick glance around to make sure everything was back in order, she returned to the bedroom.  Spike had fallen asleep while she was gone, sprawled out on his stomach and Buffy crawled in, burrowing into his side and laying her head on his back.  For the first time that day she felt almost contented as she fell asleep with her husband in her arms.

to be continued…


	31. Dancing Once Again

**Chapter 30 – Dancing Once Again**

_December 15, 2007__ _9:45 PM__

It had his name on it.

Connor glanced at Raven before his eyes fell back to his gift. He ran a finger longingly across the name tag, sighed, and placed the present he was holding in his free hand against the one he had found. 

Saturday night and he had chosen to help her wrap presents instead of going out with the guys or on a date. Of course, his father and Cordelia being in town had helped sway his decision but it was mostly the pleading in the petite fairy's voice that had kept him here. 

The whole afternoon and evening had been fun. Earlier in the day Connor had taken Raven and Elijah to the mall for some shopping. He smiled when he remembered the extra photo he had purchased of the siblings on Santa's lap. His copy was hidden in his car while the duplicate was framed on the mantel for Spike when he returned. It wasn't too far from the stocking Raven had bought him when she found out he had never had one; mimicking their positions during patrol. He knew it was ridiculous for someone his age to be taking such delight in the season but he had never spent a holiday done with such movie fanfare. Growing up he hadn't even known things like this existed and when he had come home, no one in Los Angeles had gotten into it like they did in Sunnydale. 

"Finger," Raven said, holding the ribbon apart. 

Connor placed his finger where needed, enjoying the view as she bent over to pull the bow tight. Guilt stabbed at him and he looked up to see if anyone noticed but Buffy was still upstairs while Angel was reading over Cordy's shoulder as she leafed through a magazine. The contentment on his Dad's face was a rare one as Angel's fingers caressed his wife's arm. Connor felt the nudge on his leg and turned back to Raven who was handing him another package to put under the tree. He grinned at her and scooted back.

"Do you know your eyes are keeping time to the music?" Connor asked, enjoying the effect of her eyes going from a deep blue to a lighter almost sky blue in rhythm to the holiday jazz that was on the stereo.

"It means I'm happy," she replied, shrugging her shoulders as she reached into her shopping bag and pulled out a sweater. "I still don't know if Dad is going to like this." She replied holding up the red and black garment. 

"It'll look good on him," Cordelia said. "Give it to him anyway."

"Okay," Raven said, smiling up at the other woman. "Hand me the gold paper." 

Connor handed her the requested paper as she moved her leg out to gain more room. He knew he shouldn't but he moved so that his leg was closer to her foot and waited. It didn't take long and her toes were against his thigh. There was a jolt of electricity at contact and he relished the small thrill. There couldn't be anything but these small touches between them and once again he wished that she were older. 

"Are you going to come and spend Christmas in LA with us?" Angel asked.

The question wasn't unexpected. Connor had been waiting for it to come for days but the moment it was asked, he tensed up. No matter how he responded, he would be miserable. If he went back to Los Angeles, he wouldn't be happy because he wasn't where he wanted to be. If he stayed here then Angel would be upset with him and Connor would feel guilty for hurting him. In a gesture of defense, Connor drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. 

"I'd like to stay in Sunnydale," Connor answered.

"That's fine," Angel said, standing to walk into the kitchen. "I figured that was what you wanted."

The door swung shut behind him and Connor looked up at Raven for courage and support. Beside him, Cordelia took a deep breath, and he knew the lecture was coming. 

"Go talk to him, Con," Raven said first, her toes stroking his leg. "You know he loves you so quit doing this."

"He's not going to understand."

"He's not until you explain it to him. Don't tell him everything that's wrong. He knows that. Tell him what you're feeling and what you want."

Taking her advice, he squeezed her leg and followed his father. In the kitchen Angel was pouring blood into a mug and Connor waited until it was in the microwave before speaking, taking the time to rehearse in his head what he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry. I'm not doing it to hurt you."

"No," Angel said. "That's just an added bonus."

"I know you're not going to believe it but no its not. I want to be here for Christmas, that's all. Did you see it out there? It's like…"

"Santa's workshop?" Angel finished. He gestured toward the kitchen table. "They even have Santa and Mrs. Claus salt and pepper shakers. Who would think that William the Bloody would sit down and eat with humans using Mrs. Claus to flavor his food? That's really rich."

"You're the one that wanted to be human again." 

"True, but I guess I didn't deserve that. No, my grand-childe gets the life I wanted."

"You're broodier than usual."

Angel pulled the mug from the microwave and took a long drink before meeting his son's gaze. 

"Don't take me wrong. I love that woman out there. She has stood by me and loved me when no one else would."

"Even your son?"

His father nodded and looked away. It would only take three words to make Angel happy but Connor wasn't sure he was ready. Instead he offered something else that might one day take them there.

"I'd like for you to be here for Christmas. I know you and Cordelia don't really care about all of this stuff," Connor said. "But I do and I want to be here with them."

"With Raven?"

It was Connor's turn to nod, still unsure of how much to let his father know. There wasn't anything for everyone to get upset about yet and he didn't want anyone to think there was. Raven was special to him and was always there to point him in the right direction when he got muddled. Like tonight.

"So, will you be here?" Connor asked.

A sound from outside prevented Angel from replying, sending the two men into defensive mode. A car was coming around the corner of the house and screeching to a stop in the back yard.

~~~~~~~~~

_December 15, 2007__ 6:57 PM EST - __Atlanta___

The day had been long and grueling. Hour after hour Spike had signed books for people he once considered happy meals but was now putting food on the table for his family. His eyes hurt from all the camera flashes and his mouth ached from smiling. No one had been turned down in hopes that the stalker would make an appearance but nothing suspicious had happened. Every once in a while Max would nudge his leg to have Spike talk to a woman a little longer, get a little more information but nothing concrete had unfolded along the way. Now, he was frustrated, tired, and hungry. 

The two men strode into the lobby of the hotel and while Max veered off for the elevator, Spike turned toward the bar. He didn't stop when his friend called his name or asked him to slow down. His feet kept moving until he was sitting on a stool and had told the bartender, "Whiskey, top shelf, straight and make it a double." 

"You really should eat something first," Max said, sitting next to Spike. 

Spike stared at the television over the bar and tossed a handful of peanuts in his mouth. 

"Happy now, Mom?" 

"Why don't we go upstairs, get changed and head out?"

"Now, you sound like my girlfriend."

"Vodka and tonic," Max ordered then sighed and reached for some peanuts. "This isn't going to help, you know?"

"You never know, besides what else is there to do?"

"We're in Atlanta. I'm sure we could find something to do."

The words jolted Spike back three years to when he was talking Buffy into taking off for a few days. They had just finished destroying some super witch's plan to open the Hellmouth and were both exhausted, physically and emotionally. In the end she had agreed and they had ridden off on his bike, riding along the coastal highway until they stopped in a small town. For three days they had stayed there, sleeping, shagging and drinking. As soon as it would get dark they'd hit the bar and when it closed they'd play naked in the ocean until the sun was threatening to dust him.  On the last night, Buffy had been so free and happy that she danced on the bar with some other women. Her long skirt twirling seductively around her legs and to show all the men who she belonged to, she had dived off the bar, laughing and into his arms. She never doubted for a moment that he would catch her and they hadn't made it back to the motel, instead they had made love on the motorcycle in some dense foliage off the highway. 

"What do you say, Spike?" Max said, interrupting Spike's reverie.

"Say to what?" 

That time of freedom was as gone as surely as the girl he had spent it with. The woman he had left behind in California was desperately trying to hold onto reality and her life.  And the laughter was now bittersweet as they forced themselves to have good times because tomorrow it might be gone for good. 

Ignoring Max's plea to go out, Spike held his glass up, "To Buffy, my long haul girl." He drained the glass and knew there was a part of him that was already mourning her. 

"Fine, then, lets get a table and order some appetizers or something," Max said. "I'm starving."

"Do you know that you whine like a girl?" 

"And do you know you're stubborn and at the moment really maudlin? This isn't really you, by the way." 

"It is tonight," Spike said, his attention drawn to two women at the end of the bar who were staring at them. "There are a couple of birds at three o'clock, checking you out."

Spike smiled as his friend turned to look at the women. One was a redhead with delicate features and her friend wore her dark hair in a short feminine style. Both were attractive in their own way.  

"I would say they are checking us out."

"I'm married," Spike replied, lifting his hand to flash his wedding band at them when he remembered the ring was in the hotel safe. Max had felt it would be better if he wasn't wearing it at the signing, hoping that its absence would draw a comment from the stalker. "Bollocks."

Spike rubbed his nude finger and felt the absence of its reassuring presence. It was something that he had never thought he would wear but had come to treasure it. A symbol to the world that Buffy loved him and they truly belonged together. So, intent on his thoughts, he didn't see the women move and he jumped at the voice over his shoulder.

"Hi, I'm Amber," the redhead said, "and this is my friend, Nikki. Would you like to join us for drinks?"

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 15, 2007__ _10:20 PM____

Screeching tires along the side of the side of the house had Raven and Cordelia racing through the house, closely followed by a barking Candy. They reached the kitchen entrance just as Angel was opening the back door while Connor backed him up. 

"I didn't know where else to go," the man, standing on the porch said. There was blood pouring down his face from a gash on his forehead and his breath was labored as he tried to talk. "They were killing him. And I didn't know…"

"Sam," Raven said, dashing to the young man. "Who? Killing who? Are you all right?"

"He's in my car. He's hurt," Sam answered and he waved his hand in the general direction of the vehicle that was parked haphazardly in the back yard.

"Get him in the house," Angel ordered. "Connor, come with me."

Raven took Sam's arm and led him into the living room just as Buffy was coming down the stairs. When her mother saw the hurt young man, she rushed into the room.

"Cordelia there's a first aid kit in the bathroom," Buffy said, sitting on the ottoman as the brunette hurrying off as instructed. "What happened?"

"There's someone else with him," Raven informed her mother as Buffy checked the gash on Sam's head. He winced when she prodded it with her thumb.

"Sorry, Sam," Buffy said, smiling at him. "That is your name, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

Buffy reached for the kit and towels that Cordelia carried into the room. They all looked up when Angel and Connor returned with a badly beaten man between them. Raven grabbed the afghan and spread it over the couch so they could lay the injured man on it. As she took in the bloodied man there wasn't a doubt in her mind that someone had been trying to kill him 

"I was just leaving this bar near campus," Sam relayed. "And I heard this noise and followed it. These two guys had him cornered and were beating the shit out of him. They kept saying he didn't belong because he wasn't human and they didn't want his kind around. I jumped in and got him out of there."

"Told him," the man on the couch spoke up, "I'm half demon; got myself two hearts…couldn't treat me in the ER." 

"His name is Chad," Sam said. "He's in my sociology class. I don't understand why this happened."

"Things like this you don't," Raven said. "He needs medical attention. We need to call Kate."

If it wasn't an emergency she never would have suggested it. But there weren't a whole lot of places where you could get medical attention for a demon period, much less on a Saturday night. The flash of unease in her mother's eyes made her wish that there were other choices. 

"Do it now," Buffy said, wiping the blood from Sam's face. 

Raven hurried to the phone and dialed the number as she watched the others galvanized into action. Cordelia situated Chad on the couch with pillows while Angel helped her. Connor left to move the car while Buffy continued to tend to Sam. She briefly explained the situation and was relieved when Kate said she would help. 

"She said she's on her way," Raven said. "Mum when she gets her maybe you should wait upstairs."

Her mother only nodded as she bandaged Sam's wound. It was done and Raven hoped that Buffy could hold herself together while Kate was in the house.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 15, 2007__ 8:45 PM EST- __Atlanta___

McKendrick's Steakhouse was one of Atlanta's better restaurants and it made Spike uncomfortable with its lean toward formality. Max had picked it out in order to impress the two women. Amber was one of those women that reminded Spike of Harmony and it was irritating him as she giggled again at something that his friend said. He didn't really want to be here and had protested when the suggestion of the drinks had moved to dinner but he had been overruled. Instead of spending the evening alone in his hotel room, he had tagged along after making sure that the girls knew he was married and not looking for anything. 

Nikki was a nice enough girl and upon closer inspection was prettier than Spike had originally thought. Her mischief filled eyes were grey with a spattering of freckles across her nose. She laughed a lot, too; not an insipid giggle but a laugh that sounded like she enjoyed life. She was about the same height as Buffy but heavier with an ample bosom that her black shirt clung to. She was wearing a short grey skirt and her bare leg brushed against Spike's every time she moved. He knew it wasn't intentional and didn't complain about the contact caused by the small confines of the booth.  

"Yeah, we're in town for a banking convention," Amber said, tossing her red hair and trailing her fingers along Max's arm. 

Spike laughed at her overly suggestive mannerisms and a glance at Nikki showed her rolling her eyes at her friend. Maybe they weren't as close as he had originally thought.

"So, where do you hail from then," Spike asked.

"Not far actually," Nikki replied. "I'm from Jacksonville, FL. Drove up yesterday for this thing. Need my certification in Current Lending Compliance Issues."

Spike nodded to show he was listening and wondered how long he would be stuck with them. Nikki laughed, putting her hand on his arm.

"You don't have to be polite," she explained. "I know to the general populace its boring as hell."

It was something in her personality that caught Spike's attention. The ability to laugh and the forthrightness that made him relax and start talking to her. She wasn't afraid to look him directly in the eye and when dinner was ordered, she didn't hesitate to order a meal. Unlike Amber who insisted she had to watch her weight and had ordered a salad. As far as Spike was concerned the tall redhead was already too skinny and dismissed her as someone who was too fake for him to relate to. Nikki kept the conversation going and seemed interested in him and the things he liked. After months of pressure and frustration Spike found that he was free of it all as the girl next to him weaved a spell of enticement.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 16, 2007__ 1:_12 AM____

Outside a car started and Buffy slipped from her room. It had been hours since Kate and Giles had arrived and she was tired of being confined. She stopped in Raven's room to check on Chad. The boy had been put there for the night when Kate had concluded that he was too injured to be moved. After pulling the covers further over the young man and a brief check on the sleeping Elijah, Buffy headed downstairs. She wanted to find out if Sean had enjoyed the dance and if anyone had heard from Spike. Over the course of her confinement she had made a few attempts to call him but had only gotten his voice mail and was becoming worried. It had been before dinner since she had received his last quick call when he had assured he would talk to her later. 

At the bottom of the stairs, Buffy turned to head into the living room, when she looked up and saw Giles speaking with Angel.  She froze, hating that she had something to fear, from this man.

"Buffy, I was told you were ill," Giles said. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, I am," Buffy replied, stepping closer to Angel. "It must have been something at dinner that upset my stomach. I came down to get some water."

Giles reached for her and Buffy took a step backwards running into Angel who put his hand on her waist to steady her.

"What's the matter? You look afraid of me."

_Maybe because I am_, Buffy thought, looking up at the older man. It was ridiculous. It wasn't like he was going to drag her off. Or would he? She knew there were legal procedures in order to commit someone but doubted that if Giles wanted to put her away he would go that route. She remembered what it was like being taken by the Council when she had been inside Faith's body and took a step to run back upstairs but Giles grabbed her arm.

"No," Buffy cried, wrenching her arm from him. "You can't take me away from my family. They need me and I need them."

 "Buffy, what do you think I'm going to do?"

"You do want to have her committed to a psychiatric facility," Cordelia said. "That might have something to do with her being afraid of you."

Buffy sat on the stairs, breathing deep and hoping that wasn't going to lose her grip on reality in front of everyone. She knew her breathing was too rapid and she wished that Spike was there to hold onto. She watched as Giles stood, flummoxed at Cordy's statement, until he sat beside her and took her hand.

"All I wanted was for Spike to consider it," Giles said. "I'm not going to have them drag you out of here, kicking and screaming. You've been through a lot in the last few years and maybe if you were under constant supervision you might be able to beat this thing once and for all."

"You're thinking I'm still having problems from when I came back?"

"Yes, actually I do, you've never been the same girl since then. Never quite as strong as you were before everything happened."

"Being ripped from heaven might have something to do with that," Angel said. "It would probably cause anyone's personality to change."

Buffy pulled her hand away from Giles. 

"So, all these years of support and supposed happiness for me and the choices I've made, have been lies? You really think I've been sick since then?"

"No, not sick, more fragile and more susceptible to things," Giles said. A sigh fell from his lips as he stood. "I'm sorry if you thought that I was going to force Spike to commit you because I'm not. I just think that, maybe, anyway it's not my decision. Kate is waiting in the car."

No one answered him and Giles left, closing the door quietly behind him. 

"You okay?" Angel asked.

"I'm fine," Buffy replied. She was when she took a moment to search herself. It was one less thing to worry about if Giles was telling the truth. And maybe if she had fewer things to worry about then she might find a way to overcome what was happening to her. She looked up at her friends. "Have either of you heard from Spike?"

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 15, 2007 11:32 PM EST - Atlanta_

The whiskey was smooth and Spike took another drink, enjoying the warmth as it flowed down his throat. Nikki was beside him at the hotel bar. As soon as they had returned from dinner, Max and Amber had gone upstairs leaving the two of them unaccompanied. Nikki had suggested the bar instead of spending the rest of the evening alone in their rooms. 

"So, anyway," Spike said, "Now my editor is saying they want to make a movie from the first book." 

"And here I am, humbly, sitting beside the next Stephen King," Nikki teased. "Make sure you leave me your autograph. Oh, wait a minute here, sign this." She pushed a cocktail napkin at him. "This way I can say I had drinks with you, too."

Spike didn't sign it, knowing she didn't mean it because she was totally unimpressed at his new status in life. It seemed his companion was from a family that mingled with the upper echelon of society including celebrities. Her stories could out do any story he had from when he lived the life of a vampire. And she told them with a flair that had kept them talking for hours. Her banking career was only to please her father so that she could take over the family business when he retired.

Spike's cell phone went off and he picked it up. It was home and knew this time he needed to answer it. When he had turned it on after leaving the restaurant, there had been several messages from Buffy and he hadn't returned them yet. It was wrong but none had hinted at a true emergency just a desire to speak with him. 

"Sorry, pet, it's the wife again."

Nikki nodded and turned her attention to the television.

"Hello," Spike answered.

"Spike, is everything okay?" Buffy said. "I tried calling you."

"I'm sorry. We were at dinner and I had it turned off."

"Oh."

"Everything all right? Was there a problem?" Spike asked, the petulant tone in Buffy's voice made him sigh and rub his fingers over his eyes. Just like that, everything came crashing back to him. 

"No, nothing major. We have a beaten up demon sleeping in Raven's room and Giles was here."

Nikki picked up the pen and wrote a note on the napkin before standing. She kissed his cheek and slid her lips toward his ear and whispered, "No strings." 

Spike didn't quite register what Buffy said as he watched Nikki walk from the bar, appreciating the gentle rocking of her hips.

"But everything is okay now?" Spike asked when he realized that Buffy had quit talking.

"Yeah, everything is fine. Just fine. I'm glad that you are having a great time there. Tell you what; unless the house is burning down I won't call you. Talk to you when you get back." 

It took a moment for him to realize that Buffy had hung up on him and Spike dropped the phone on the bar with a low growl. He knew he should call her back and find out what had happened (and if Giles was trying to cause trouble) but he couldn't force himself to do it as all the frustration came rolling back. Deciding to wait until he was in his room and was calmer, he signaled the bartender to bring the check. It was then that he remembered the note and looked down. All it had was her room number. Plain, simple, no complications and what had she said? No strings. 

Spike signed the bill and headed upstairs. In the elevator his finger went to push the button for his floor when he hesitated. He leaned his head against the coolness of the metal above the number pad. He knew what was right and wrong, what he should or shouldn't do, closing his eyes; he sorted through his conflicting emotions and stood, coming to a decision. Without another thought he pushed the button to follow it through.

to be continued…


	32. Misty Morning Eyes

**Chapter 31 – Misty Morning Eyes**

_December 16, 2007__ _11:25 AM____

The noise level from the kitchen could only be the Scoobettes in full battle mode or full eating mode. Buffy smiled as she pushed the door open and her suspicions were confirmed by the table of young people including Sam. She was greeted with hellos, and good mornings, as she headed for the refrigerator. After tossing and turning all night waiting and hoping for a phone call from Spike she hadn't fallen asleep until right before dawn. Raven had whisked Elijah from her room earlier and had told her to go back to sleep which she'd gladly done.  She pushed her hair back from her face and poured a glass of orange juice, glancing around to see if there were any leftovers from breakfast. 

"In the oven, Mum, there is some pancakes and bacon left," Sean said. "I hope you don't mind but Del took Elijah with her to her to grand-daughter's house. She has some kids Eli's age and thought he might enjoy it."

"Thanks," Buffy said, pulling the door open and appreciating that the oven had been left on warm so the food would still be edible. "And it's fine about Elijah. He probably will enjoy being with kids his own age for a change. How are you feeling, Sam?"

"Oh, fine Mrs. Blood. I went to the ER after I left here and they put a couple of stitches in me."

"Ouch, but I'm glad that you're doing better. Has anyone heard from Spike this morning?"

Buffy tried to hide her worry when she was told no by turning her back on the others. It wasn't like him not to call her but then again she had said that she wouldn't talk to him until he got back. But even Spike would know that wasn't what she really meant. Pushing it aside she finished preparing her breakfast and she sat down to eat. 

"So, what is on your agendas for the day?" Buffy asked, reaching for the flyers that had been printed out and stacked on the table. There was a large statement describing the attack on Chad and warning students to take extra precautions.

"We are going to spread this out at the university today," Raven explained, pointing at the paper in her mother's hand. "I talked to Chad this morning and he is going to report it to campus administrators tomorrow but we don't want to wait for what they may or may not do." 

"Just be careful, okay? I don't want anyone getting hurt."

Raven sighed. "We are going out in two groups. Connor is going with one and I'm going with the other." 

Smiling at her daughter, Buffy nodded. "Can't help it, just doing the mom thing. Like my mother did to me and you will do to your daughter some day. Is Chad still upstairs?"

"Yep, that's okay isn't it?" Raven said. "Kate said she'd come by and check on him later and if he's better we'll take him home tonight."

Buffy nodded but it was lost in the flurry of everyone gathering their things and heading out the back door. She sighed as she watched them leave, remembering the days when it was her and her friends that challenged the world. 

"Makes you feel old, doesn't it?" Angel asked, leaning on the doorway.

"You know, pregnant here, shouldn't give me scares like that," Buffy teased, taking her plate to the sink.

"Sorry, you doing okay this morning?"

Throwing a smile over her shoulder, Buffy washed her plate. "Doing great except for the feeling old part and the sleeplessness and the missing my husband and…"

"Whoa, all I was expecting was a, I'm fine, how are you doing?"

"Don't ask then," Buffy griped, turning to face the vampire. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to take it out on you. After all you're here playing babysitter to the nutty ex-girlfriend."

His eyes twinkling, Angel stepped closer to Buffy and whispered, "Well, you were kind of nutty when you were my girlfriend, too."

Buffy's laughter lasted only for a moment as it turned to tears and she found herself burrowed against Angel. His arms felt sure and strong when everything else around her was crumpling. She hated the fact that her husband was so far away when she needed him so much. It was unfair, she knew, to expect him to take care of everything and to always be there but that was what she was used to. That's why she fell in love with him because he was always there and now he wasn't. 

Angel picked her up and carried her into the living room and set her down on the couch between him and Cordelia. He cradled her against him and let her cry it out. The storm began to abate and Buffy sat up, wiping at her eyes with the tissues that Cordelia handed her.

"Sorry," Buffy said. 

"Don't be," Angel said, his hand slowly running along her hair. "Is it everything or anything in particular?" Buffy shook her head and he squeezed her shoulder. "Now, come on, you can tell your babysitters anything."

This time his joking only earned a smile. "I miss Spike. He didn't call me back last night and that's not like him. I know he's okay because Max would have called me but…" Buffy threw her head back. "I hate this. I feel so weak and out of control. What happened to me? I was so strong before. I knew I could do it on my own and now I'm terrified if he isn't in the room with me."

"Because you trust him," Cordelia said. "You know that his main priority is you and that you are safe with him. I wouldn't be ashamed of that. It's rare when two people reach that level of intimacy." 

"Like you and Angel?"

"Yeah, he had to be dragged every step of the way but he sees it my way now."

All three laughed as Cordelia flashed her husband one of her patent smiles. 

"Maybe he's afraid of upsetting you even more," Angel said. "He's just giving you a break and figures when you're ready to talk you'll call him."

"I hope so," Buffy responded, her gaze turning to Cordelia. "Do you feel like getting out of here this afternoon?"

"Sure, where to?"

"I thought of something last night and I want to check into it. Maybe something that might help me."

~~~~~~~~~

_December 16, 2007__ _3:15 PM____

The four friends sat at the kitchen table in Willow and Tara's kitchen. Cordelia and Buffy sat across from them and sipped the tea that was offered. The conversation so far had covered the holidays and the children and when Spike was coming back. Buffy still hadn't heard from him but didn't tell her friends. It was something that she would handle when she returned home and could try to call Spike when he was finished with his obligations for the day. 

Toying with her napkin, Buffy looked up at the witches and blurted out her question. "I remembered last night about switching bodies with Faith. And Tara could tell that it wasn't me in my body and I was wondering if…"

"If I could see anything that wasn't right in your aura?" Tara asked.

"Yeah," Buffy said, relieved that she didn't have to spell it out. "Or if there were any spells or something on me."

Her answer was already given when Tara clasped her hands. "Sweetie, we checked awhile ago. And a few times since. It's nothing there, other than you and as far as we can tell there is no magic or thralls, either. I wish there was."

Buffy nodded. "I figured you had but I wanted to ask."

"We didn't say anything to you," Willow said, "because well, we thought it would only be more bad news on top of everything else. Spike knew and he agreed that it was best not to say anything."

Buffy sat back in her chair. She knew it was too much to expect that her solution could be something that simple. It was just something that she had to ask even though a part of her knew that it would have been one the first things they would have looked for. It was time to accept the inevitable and quit fighting it. There didn't see to be any hope of something that the people who loved her could fight and vanquish. She was schizophrenic and her life was slowly going to be taken away from her. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 17, 2007__ 1:15 AM __Miami Beach___

He had spent hours walking the streets of South Beach, watching the multitudes of people without cares except for the next drink, the next dance or the next lay. It was a party atmosphere and Spike hated it. They were too tanned and too pretty for his tastes and once all they would have been good for was to fill his stomach. Now, they weren't worth risking the life he had built.  Besides his mind was to busy sorting through that life searching for answers that weren't coming easily. His feet turned toward the beach to make the trek back to the hotel. He stopped to remove his shoes and roll up the cuff of his jeans. The water of the Atlantic Ocean was icy as it lapped at his feet. This body of water more powerful than he had ever thought he was or ever hoped he could be. Its power was raw and intense in its need to dominate the very life it depended on, the same life that relied upon it. It was the same life structure as Spike had once had with humans. 

He searched through himself to find William the Bloody--Master Vampire, feared and respected by his own kind, terror to humans and conqueror of two Slayers--and could no longer find him. Along with William, Spike had evolved and merged into the being he now was, molded by his love for his once mortal enemy and now his wife. He laughed and shook his head at the creature he had become. Neither vampire nor human, straddling both worlds and not really belonging in either but yet, desperately trying to fit in the latter before this short life was taken from him. His need to belong, to be accepted, to be loved had led him to be pulled into Buffy's dreams of normalcy. 

Stopping behind the hotel, Spike faced the ocean; crashing violently upon the shore. Here Spike felt small and powerless as he did in his current life. Tossed and torn between his wife's insanity, a stalker intent on disrupting their lives, his children and home. He didn't feel regrets for his choices only the utter exhaustion of fighting to be happy in this life he had created. He had done this to himself, and no one could bear the blame for the trappings of humanity he had adorned himself with. The house, the career, the wife and kids, credit cards and even the damn dog, all making him what he had hated. And once when he was human before, it was what he had wanted because all those things came with the love of a woman and when it had come it was with a real woman, not a fantasy or a vampire mate, but a living, breathing ball of fire and heart and courage that was his Buffy. It wasn't her or their love but all of the other pitfalls that came from their union that made him want to scream his frustration to anyone who would listen. 

Digging his toes in the sand, Spike tried to stop the inevitable pull of the ocean but only found he was being towed deeper into the encroaching water. The cool night breeze wrapped around him and he searched through his soul for answers. 

And all he could find was Buffy.

Along with that realization came calm clarity. His love for the woman would never cease and she would forever be the light that guided him. He twirled his wedding band on his finger as he accepted the man that he had become because he had been shaped by a power greater than he could ever hope to understand. His guilt tore through him as he thought of Buffy, three thousand miles away and unaware of his act of betrayal. 

The decisions came as quickly as the tears and he wished he was already on his way home to her. The sand was cold and wet as he plopped down and dialed the number for home. 

"Hello," Buffy answered her voice cool and distant.

"Hey, Baby. Still mad at me?"

"You didn't call back."

The accusation ripped through him and he wished he could take back the last twenty-four hours or so.

"I'm a son of a bitch, I know."

"Well, at least you realize that." Buffy responded with a slight thaw to her voice. "What were you doing last night?" 

"Nothing important," Spike answered. "Max picked up some bird in the bar and she had a friend and the four of went to dinner. And when we came back we were hanging out and talking." 

Let it lie. The details could be given when he got home. The silence on the other end of the phone nailed him to the wall. 

"Sounds like you were having a good time."

"It was okay. Something to pass the time, that's all."

"It was the four of you all the time?"

"No, after we got back to the hotel, Max and this girl went upstairs. The other girl, Nikki and I stayed in the bar for awhile. When I was talking to you, she left and after I paid the bill, I went to my room. End of story. I just didn't call you because…"

 "You're a son of a bitch?"

He laughed. "Yeah, that and, well, I guess only that."

For a moment there was only that horrible silence before the quiet sounds of her tears reached him. 

"Look, this is bullshit," Spike said. "I'm calling the airport and I'm on the next flight home."

"No, oh God, Spike," Buffy said, sniffling. "I…I" 

"Talk to me."

"I missed you and I was scared and everything is out of control and I needed control…and."

Buffy's words sent chills through Spike. It had been almost four years since her last relapse into the cutting. He should have known there was a possibility of her returning when she was feeling so powerless in her life. It was always the trigger that made the act so tantalizing.  

"I'm on my way, Baby…hold on until I get there."

"You don't need to come home. You've got the signing still to do tomorrow. I'll be fine."

"No, being separated is not what either of us needs right now. I shouldn't have left you at all."

"Come home, please." 

Those last words were spoken in a voice that revealed how frightened and lost she truly had been feeling. He hadn't been there for her and she had returned to the comfort that was stronger than the comfort he could give her. In a moment when they didn't feel connected, they had both looked elsewhere for the security that could only be given by their mate. Spike was on the phone and trying to make flight reservations before he reached the hotel. The next signing was in Los Angeles and he could drive to it after making Buffy feel safe again. And if he didn't make it, well, then they could sue him.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 17, 2007__ _3:30 AM____

Buffy's entire being hummed. Spike was coming home. She was wrapped in a blanket on the porch waiting for him. He had called back to let her know what time they'd be landing. Nothing could contain her as she waited. Everyone else was asleep, otherwise she'd never be out here, it was too chilly and they'd worry about the baby. 

"Daddy's coming home," she whispered, as the baby moved. 

Headlights flashed across the yard as the taxi pulled in and she was on her feet and moving toward him before he even stepped out. 

"Take care of it," Spike said to Max, before rushing to her. His arms wrapped around her in a desperate hold of need for them both. "I missed you so much, Baby." He walked toward the house, his suitcase in one hand and his free arm holding her close. Halfway up the stairs, they heard the front door close behind them as Max stepped into the house.

"Hi, Buffy," Max said. "That's fine. I'll make myself at home. And, Spike, don't forget the car will be here in five hours to take us to Los Angeles."

"Night, Max," Spike said.

Buffy didn't acknowledge him. Her most urgent need was to bond with her mate again. The suitcase was deposited by the door while he drew her onto the bed. There would be no physical reunion until the words had been said and soothed over. She remained silent as Spike scooted closer to her and pulled her pajama top over her head. His fingers dusted over her body, searching, finding the minute cut under her left breast. His tongue ran over it in a soft caress. The horizontal stripes under her arm drew a frown.

"Are you putting antibacterial cream on these?"  
  


She nodded and pointed to the nightstand. More was applied with gentle motions. His hands pushed her backwards so he could pull her pajama bottoms off. The cuts on her inner thighs elicited a soft growl.

"Mine."

Buffy was a canvas as he moved over her, searching for her guilt on her flesh. Most of the cuts she gave herself would heal within a day except for the ones she reopened or made deep. The ragged one he found on her hip brought tears that rained on her. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I needed you. There was so much on you already and I was afraid of making it worse."

Spike lay next to her side, his hand cupping her cheek. "Never, no matter what is going on, if you need me, you tell me. Promise."

Buffy nodded. 

"I want you to say it."

"I promise."

Finally he kissed her and she turned to him, a leg drifting over his hip, and his hand cupped her bottom pulling her closer against him. Her hands roamed over him, letting herself realize he was there, and he understood.

"Pet, I made a decision."

Her eyes flew open, afraid it was going to be something that she wouldn't like. Her anxiety deepened as Spike stood to look out the window. She waited for him to tell her what was on his mind and she sat up, wrapping the blanket around her. Candy, who had been sleeping on the floor, took refuge on her lap. 

"There's too much going on and I want to change some things."

"Like?"

He turned to look at her, his gaze flickering over the animal in her arms.

"Like, the damn dog," Spike said, fighting a smile, "That thing is nothing more than a snack. And what the hell is it doing sleeping on my bed? If the kids want it sleeping with them its one thing but I don't want it with us."

Buffy giggled, her hand petting Candy, and she bent her head.

"Don't worry, precious, Daddy is just spouting off. You're not going anywhere."

Candy licked her face and Buffy smiled as Spike grimaced before turning toward the window again. 

"I'm not doing any more books," Spike said, his head bowed. "The new contracts are being thrown away."

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked. "I don't want you to give up something that makes you happy."

Guilt furled through her at the thought that he was doing it so he could take care of her. It wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him to still have a life outside of her. Spike returned to sit on the bed, his hands wrapping around hers. 

"Writing makes me happy. This other stuff only irritates me. I don't want to be signing books in other cities when I could be with you. We have enough in the bank that we don't have to worry. I mean unless you went on a shopping spree while I was gone and bought the state of Montana or something."

"No," Buffy answered and tried to return his joking manner. "But are we going to be able to afford Raven's clothing allowance if you're not making at least five million a year."

"She'll just have to make it on a million a year instead."

Candy was pushed to the foot of the bed while Spike pulled her down onto the bed and into his arms. She shifted back until she was tightly spooned against him. His words tickling her ear when he spoke and his hand covered her stomach. Sleep teased at her and she knew wrapped in her warm cocoon that she wouldn't be able to fight it long but there was something she still needed to be sure of.

"Spike?"

"Yeah."

"This girl that you were with Saturday? Did you like her?"

"Nikki? Yeah, she's okay."

"Was she prettier than me?"

"Uh, no and before you ask, I'm not placating you."

"Big words coming from the big bad vampire."

"I love you, Buffy."

"I know you do," Buffy whispered, her fingers running along his. "I love you, too but just be warned if Donnie Wahlberg walked through that door and wanted me. I'd kick your ass out."

"Always did like the bad boys, didn't you?"

"Yep."

Spike chuckled in her ear and his hand covered her breast, squeezing softly. "And maybe if Donnie came through the door, maybe I'd just have to join the two of you."

"Oh, yeah, my two favorite bad boys in bed with me, I could live with that."

"Keep dreaming, baby, keep dreaming."

Their laughter mingled together as Buffy let the security of her husband being home lull her into much needed rest. 

~~~~~~~~

_December 17, 2007__ _6:30 PM____

"Mummy," Raven called.

Buffy heard her through a cotton cloud of sleep and she fought against waking up. A hand was drawn through her hair and reluctantly she opened her eyes to find her daughter sitting next to her on the bed.

"Hey," Buffy said.

"I'm sorry for waking you up. Its six-thirty and Daddy's on his way home. He called a few minutes ago and said they be here within half an hour."

Sitting up, Buffy yawned and looked around the room. She had slept for a few hours early this morning and had gotten up to see Spike off. Mid-morning she had crawled back into bed after Del had assured her that everything was handled and had given into the exhaustion of the past few sleepless nights.

"It's okay," Buffy said. "I need to get up anyway."

"If it's all right with you, we're going to take Elijah to the park. They're having this holiday play at seven."

"Who's we?" 

Raven counted off on her fingers, "Cordelia, Sean, me and Connor."

"Ahhh," Buffy said, smiling. Her fingers playfully pinched her daughter's cheek. "Sounds like fun but don't think I haven't noticed."

"Noticed what?" Raven said, her eyes growing wide, feigning innocence.

"You and Connor spending so much time together even if it is always with other people around. And now that Daddy is going to be home, he'll notice too."

The teenager rolled her eyes, "Nothing is going on. We're just friends."

"Yeah, and keep it that way. Go, have fun. Is Angel still here?"

"He's here and Del is cleaning the kitchen and is going to head home afterwards."

Raven kissed her cheek, gave her a quick hug and dashed off leaving Buffy to force herself to wakefulness. She thought about Spike coming home and stood up, her body rested but still reluctant to move. With a smile, she pulled clothes from the dresser and changed into clean pants and one of Spike's sweatshirts. The phone rang as she was brushing her hair and she reached for it, hoping it was her husband again.

"Hello."

"He spent Saturday night with me."

"Excuse me?"

"You're husband spent Saturday night with me in his hotel room."

Buffy pushed the recording device on the small machine next to the phone.

"Just so you know these calls are being recorded and traced since your last one pushed you into criminal charges. And by the way, you're crazy because Spike wouldn't cheat on me."

"He's really quite an excellent lover."

"Keep talking, easier to trace you."

"You don't believe me. That's sad. Really. If I didn't spend the night with him then how would I know he has a scar on his chest in the shape of a heart? Nice work and you call me crazy. And if that doesn't convince you, the condoms we didn't use are in the outside pocket of his suitcase."

The woman hung up and Buffy stared at the receiver for a moment in confusion. Spike wouldn't have cheated on her much less lied to her. But if he hadn't then how had the woman known? Her eyes drifted to the suitcase and her heart sped up as she walked to it. It felt like she was still in a dream somewhere as she knelt beside it and unzipped the pocket. Her fingers searched and found nothing but as she moved to withdrew them she felt something and delved deeper. She pulled out three condoms and they lay in her hand, screaming their accusations at her. 

to be continued…


	33. Falling Like Rain

**Chapter 32 – Falling Like Rain**

_December 17, 2007__ _6:55 PM____

Stepping through the door, Spike could see Angel ensconced in his chair and reading a book. For the first time in a long time, Spike felt like everything was good in his life. He was home with his family and he had made decisions so that their lives would be easier. Buffy had been happy this morning, smiling and affectionate, and he had fallen in love with her all over again. The holidays and even the dog that he was reluctantly accepting were sources of joy. And he just wanted to settle in, drink hot chocolate and bask in the respite that had been given him. Feeling generous he didn't tell Angel to move and leaned against the mantel while Max settled on 'his' couch.

"Where is everyone?" Spike asked, looking around the empty house.

"Del went home," Angel replied. "Buffy is upstairs and everybody else took Elijah to a holiday thing at the park."

Hearing a noise the three men turned toward the stairs to watch Buffy coming toward them. Spike held his arms out to her but she stopped just out of his reach.

"SB called," Buffy said.

"When?" Max asked, sitting up. "Did you record it?"

Buffy nodded but kept her attention fixated on Spike. "She said that you spent the night with her Saturday."

His immediate thought was Nikki and he turned to Max with a question in his eyes. "It couldn't have been Nikki. She gave too much personal information." 

"She said that you made love to her," his wife said, ignoring his comment. Her voice cracked and tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke. 

The pain in Buffy's voice surprised him. 

"Pet, I told you what I did Saturday. I didn't have sex with anyone."

"He didn't…," Max said.

"You stay out of this," Buffy said. "Twice now, I've trusted you with my husband and both times you've failed me. I want you out of our lives and out of this house."

It couldn't be. After what they had gone through since the summer, Buffy couldn't believe that he would lie to her. Not now and not over something like this.

"You don't think I did it, do you?"

The hurt in her eyes said she did.

"If you didn't then how did she know that you have a scar on your chest and that I gave it to you? Were you running around nude in Atlanta? And if you didn't then how did she know these were in your suitcase?" Buffy asked, opening her hand to reveal the condoms.

"Oh, come on, Love," Spike retorted, his hand gesturing toward hers. "If I was going to shag someone else, don't you think I'd be smart enough not to leave these as evidence?"

"You weren't supposed to come home last night. Maybe you were saving them for Miami or LA and forgot to get rid of them in your hurry to get back?"

Her doubt in him flooded his heart with pain. He tried to rationalize her accusations with the illness and the separation and even his willing confession as to his activities on Saturday night. But no matter what Spike told himself he couldn't justify this lack of faith and anger followed the pain.

Angel and Max both disappeared from his mind as he bit out.  "I didn't nor have I screwed around on you."

"Are you telling me that you spent an entire evening with some other woman and you didn't do anything? That you're so saintly that it didn't even occur to you to fuck her."

"Yeah, I thought about it. And yeah, I thought she was hot and fun to be with but I didn't do anything about it." It was then that he remembered Donna and realized where Buffy's insecurity was coming from. Instead of calming him, it only made him angrier. "This is because of Donna isn't it?"

"I believed and trusted you when you said never again." Buffy was trembling in her own anger and stepped closer to him. "If you didn't lie to me, then explain these." 

The condoms were thrown at him and Spike took a step back from her, shaking his head. 

"I can't believe you're doing this. I've told you the truth about everything. Am I supposed to pay forever for caring about a woman that was a friend to me when you were off with another man? What are the rules? Explain them to me. Am I not supposed to look at another woman or think she's attractive?"

"You're supposed to be faithful to me," Buffy screamed. "I'm supposed to be only woman that you want to be with."

Angel appeared beside them. "Come on, you two, calm down. Buffy, come sit on the couch." He put his hands on her shoulders to try and lead her.

"Get your hands off my wife," Spike snarled. "Is this the way it's going to be? One set of rules for me and one set of rules for you."

"What are you talking about? Don't turn this around on me."

"No, I want to know. It's okay to call me a liar and a cheat. What about you? Max is around the house all the time. You spent an afternoon in an adult motel with him. You even told me that you wanted him. Gee, did that just stop or are you enjoying having him around?" Spike stepped closer to her, ignoring his Sire trying to come between them. "And what about Angel? I go out of town and you insist on having your ex-lover here to protect you.  He even gets invited to spend Christmas with us. Did anyone ask me? No, because I'm supposed to be the understanding husband. I'm supposed to accept these other men in your life while I get fucking crucified for fifteen seconds of indecision. It's bullshit."

Max took his arm and pulled him away from Buffy. "Stop it, remember she's pregnant and this isn't good for her."

"I told you to get out of my house," Buffy screamed as Angel turned her toward him. 

It was when she stepped into his Sire's arms that Spike lost the last thread of control he had.

"Tell me, wife, is it even my baby?" Spike said in a voice that was too calm. "What did you say? What's wrong with you? Angel has a kid. Did you go to him to get knocked up?"

"How dare you?" Angel yelled. "Stop it now. Maybe if you'd learn how to control yourself these things wouldn't happen."

The fight had gone out of Buffy as she gazed at him. She only looked defeated as the heartbreak showed on her tear ravaged face. Spike wanted to go to her and comfort her but he didn't think it was his right anymore. She didn't have any faith in him and without that there was nothing between them. He knew it was his baby. The words had been chosen to wound her as badly as her mistrust had wounded him.

It was confusing to figure out these things in a world that was still foreign to him. A part of him had been serious when he had asked for the rules. The world he had grown up in was nothing like the world he lived in now. The life of a vampire had been simple compared to the complexities of living as a married man. There had been no dating, no social integration, just this family and this town. Out there in the other world, trying to navigate it as a human was hard for him and as always it was difficult for him to ask for guidance. And in the usual Spike way, he had once again fucked up and he was alone in the aftermath to figure it out. 

Broken and hurt, the anger left him and he stared at the woman that was still standing in another man's arms.  There was nothing left to say and he simply walked away. No one tried to stop him as he climbed on his bike and drove away. There didn't seem to be anything else that he could do except to leave.

~~~~~~~~

_December 17, 2007__ _7:45 PM____

Max clicked off his cell phone, grabbed his duffel bag and returned to the living room.  He still couldn't accept how the evening had turned out. And, unfortunately, he could see both their sides in the argument and didn't want to have to choose sides. Not that it mattered because he was told to leave by Buffy and Spike had already left and was refusing to answer his cell phone. He took one last look around at the decorated living room and felt a pang of regret that he wouldn't be here for Christmas. Instead he would probably be alone in some hotel room but he had made a mistake worse than Spike's.  He had let his friend down again and deserved the banishment.

Buffy was curled up in her chair staring off into space and Angel was pacing the floor. Neither of them looked very friendly but he stopped anyway making the vampire hover protectively over Buffy.

"I'm on my way back to Atlanta to check things out," Max said and when neither responded, he offered an explanation that might help Spike out. "I know you don't want to hear it but I don't think he did anything with Nikki. He didn't flirt with her or lead her on. He told both of them that he was married and not interested before we went to dinner. I wasn't with him all night but when I was walking Amber back to her room, he was coming off the elevator after leaving the bar. He walked with me and we separated at the doors to our rooms." He hesitated but there still weren't any comments from the other two. "I'll call when I know something. Have a merry Christmas."

Swearing that he would find a way to stop this woman from harassing this family that he cared about, Max walked outside to wait for the taxi he had called. This time she had left too many clues and he would find her if it was the last thing he did.

~~~~~~~~

_December 17, 2007__ _11:45 PM____

Spike leaned back against the headboard and idly flicked the remote control through the choices of the television. He didn't have anywhere to go so after driving around for hours he had checked in at the Sunnydale motel. His cell phone rang and he looked at the ID. Nervous flutters invaded his stomach when he saw that it was home.

"Hello," Spike answered.

"Daddy," Raven said. "Is that you?"

"Yeah, Princess, it's me."

At his acknowledgement his daughter burst into tears causing guilt to flood his system.

"Come home, please, everything is a mess."

"What's going on?"

Spike grimaced when he realized that it was a stupid question. He was the problem and the source of whatever was going on at the house. 

"Daddy, I came back from patrol and Angel and Cordy are arguing, Mum is hiding in the bedroom crying and Sean, Eli and Candy were all in my bed. Please, come take care of it."

"You want me to come get your brothers and dog out of your room so you can sleep?" 

"Daddy," Raven wailed, sounding like the insecure girl she still was deep inside. "I don't know everything that happened but we need you. The four of us outnumber everybody else. And even if she is upset with you, you know that Buffy needs you. And Christmas is in a week; our first Christmas together as a family."

Spike sighed. She was right and he knew it. "I'll be home in twenty minutes."

He made it in fifteen.  Angel and Cordy were still arguing in the kitchen when he walked in. Cordy stopped in the middle of a rant to stare in surprise at his entrance. Angel gave him the once over and started to open his mouth but Spike stopped him with a raised hand.

"Go home," Spike said. "Angel, take your wife and go home. Buffy is my wife…"

"That's what I've been telling him," Cordelia interrupted.

"And I'll take care of her and my family."

"I don't think she wants you here."

"Well," Spike said, laughing humorlessly, "She shouldn't have married me if she didn't want me around. You should know by now that in spite of it all I love her and I'm trying. And if you don't know that then we haven't done much to clean up the past."

Angel nodded and Spike knew they would be heading home to deal with their own lives. He stopped at the kitchen door and turned to look at the couple who had taken care of his wife and home for the past few days.

"Thanks, for helping out. If you want to come back for Christmas, I'd like for you to be here."

His shoes were kicked off as he crossed the living room and his socks were discarded on the way up the stairs. Barefoot he padded into his daughter's room and smiled at the scene before him. Sean and Raven were lying facing each other, obviously deep in conversation, and between them lay Elijah and Candy fast asleep. Spike smiled and crossed over to them, pulled the covers higher over them, kissed Raven on the cheek and turned out the light. 

"Go to sleep. You have school tomorrow."

"Night Dad," Sean said.

"Thanks," Raven whispered.

Spike closed the door behind, took a deep breath and stepped into the bedroom he shared with his wife. Buffy was curled in a fetal position with his pillow held tight in her arms. Her eyes flashed when she saw him and she sat up.

"Go away," Buffy said.

"No," Spike answered, dropping his shirt on the floor and sat on the bed. "I'm not going anywhere. Angel and Cordelia are hopefully on their way home and the kids are asleep and I'm all you've got."

"I want a divorce."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do, you arrogant pig. Get out of my bed and my house."

"I paid for both so you can leave if you don't like it."

Spike caught her wrist before she was able to make contact with his face and when she tried to retaliate with her other hand, he caught that one too.

"Buffy, stop it now. You're five months pregnant and I am not going to fight with you. And I'm too tired to let you beat me up."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child."

Buffy scooted to the other side of the bed, drawing her legs up, and eyeing him like he was going to do something to her. Instead he kicked his jeans off and slid under the covers, recovered his tossed pillow and put it behind his head.

"I fucked up and I'm sorry." Sighing, he turned to look at his wife. "The promise I made to you was to remain faithful and in the end I kept that promise. Sorry excuse I know but one of these days one of us is going to have to realize that I'm not your Prince Charming. I'm just a reformed evil vampire trying to make it in the suburbs and very prone to being human. But I love you, and sometimes it scares me with its intensity. And I look at other women and I wonder if they could take your place but I realize in the end they won't. This time I didn't get as far as I did the last time and maybe I've finally gotten it in my head that eventually you're going to consume me and won't even bother to fight it anymore."

"Is there where I'm supposed to say poor baby and forgive you? Because I'm not."

"I wouldn't expect you to. I have to pay for the sins of every man that has come before me. Just promise that you won't castrate me in my sleep."

Spike turned on his side, leaving Buffy his backside to ponder.

"You're being awfully flippant for someone who did what you did."

"Too bleedin' tired to be anything else."

Her hand curved around his arm and pulled him onto his back again. He raised his arm and waited for her to settle against him before wrapping it around her. 

"You're only staying because I…we need you."

"I know."

"Don't think I've forgiven you because I haven't."

"I know."

"And I'm still angry with you."

"I know."

Spike kissed the top of her head and smiled at the small sigh she gave.  He continued to rub small circles on her back until she drifted off to sleep. He knew it wasn't going to just disappear because he came home and she allowed him to hold her. But they were both where they belonged and it was a start.

to be continued…


	34. Two Platinum Rings

**Chapter 33 – Two Platinum Rings**

_December 23, 2007__ _10:45 AM____

As tiny fingers slipped into his back pocket, Spike took a step back, allowing Buffy's petite frame to mold against his side. His arm slipped around her waist and he kissed her cheek.

"Everything okay, Shadow?"

"Yeah, just a lot of people around," Buffy answered.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

Buffy shook her head and smiled at him. 

"Sir," an impatient sales clerk said, interrupting the moment.

Spike reached for the bag that the man held, slipped it into the larger shopping bag and maneuvered them out of the jewelry store. Since he had returned home, husband and wife hadn't been out of each other's sight for more than a few minutes.  If she slept, he slept and if she was awake, he was awake. She would look for him if he wasn't near her, so he never went very far. Her hand was often in his, holding onto his belt or buried in his pocket and without question he was there for her. It wasn't because she couldn't bear to be without him. It was because she was afraid that he was going to leave her alone and unprotected. His guilt had increased when he realized that he had only made her insecurity worse. 

"Where to now?" Spike asked, as his wife looked around the mall. 

"Electronics, Sean said something about a new video game last night."

Pulling her close, Spike began the walk to the nearest store that would sell the games. It was really too crowded to be there but Buffy had woken with some last minute things she had wanted to get for the children. She had done most of the shopping online but had seemed eager to get out and do some of it in person. Despite the crowds, Buffy seemed to be coping well; he just wanted to make sure they didn't get separated. 

"Spike, look," Buffy said, stopping suddenly and pointing in a window. 

On display was a women's black leather duster and he immediately thought of Raven. After a closer inspection of it, it was added to the things they had purchased, along with a leather bomber jacket for Sean and a few wallets for the men in the family. Buffy did know fashion and quality so Spike let her have reign over the gift selections. 

It was coming out of the store that Spike found a snag for their plans and looked around trying to decide what to do. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Uh, too much coffee this morning," Spike answered, coming to a decision. "I can wait."

"Oh," Buffy said, pulling him toward the food court. "I know you can't stand to be away from me, but I think you can manage to go potty by yourself. Mummy will be waiting right outside for you."

Spike laughed along with her even though he could smell the panic racing through her. Confronting her would only hurt her and make her defensive and, deciding to play along, he found a chair for her to sit on right outside the door, put her cell phone in her hand and the shopping bags between her feet. 

"If something, anything happens, the radio is set, call me," Spike instructed, dropped a kiss on her forehead and hurried into the bathroom. 

Fortunately, the bathroom wasn't crowded and it took him only a couple of minutes before he was walking toward Buffy again. He tilted his head when he realized that she was on the phone. Curious, he knelt in front of her, resting his elbows on her knees and her free hand ran through his hair.

"Yeah," Buffy said, "I want you here." There was a brief pause before she continued, "Hold on. Talk to Spike." She handed the phone to him. "It's Max. I told him to come for Christmas if he can get here."

"Hey, Max, whatcha doing?"

"Comparing, boring as hell, surveillance tapes of the bookstore, the hotel and will be adding the airport and the hotel in Miami."

"Miami?"

"Think about, Spike," Max answered, excitement encroaching into his voice. "After we checked into the hotel in Miami, remember, we took the walk on the beach. And you decided to show off that scrawny chest of yours to the natives."

"And what does this have to do with…" Spike said, glancing up at Buffy and changing his words, "everything?"

"Well, since you said that you were a good boy, then how would she know about the scar unless she saw it?  And as far as I know that was the only time that she would see it, unless she's been in Sunnydale."

"You think she followed us?"

"I think it's a possibility. And, oh yeah, the bartender said he remembered a woman hanging around most of the night that you and I were there. We've got a composite drawing of her." Max hesitated for a moment. "Is Buffy serious?"

Spike smiled at the longing in his friend's voice. 

"Yeah, she is, she wouldn't have called you unless she was. So, bump some poor family man off a flight and get over here. That stuff will wait until after Christmas."

After a few more minutes of talking, Max said he would try to be there and call them later to let them know if he was coming or not. After clicking the phone off, Spike leaned his head forward against Buffy's belly and let her hands massage his shoulders.  

"So, is he coming?"

Standing, Spike gathered up the bags before reaching for her hand. "He is going to try. Now, where were we? Electronics, come on."

Holding tightly to one another, they disappeared back into the holiday shopping frenzy. To the casual observer, they were just an average couple out purchasing last minute presents for their family and not what they really were, a reformed vampire and his Slayer trying to hold onto the life they had built. 

~~~~~~~~~

_December 23, 2007__ _9:25 PM____

Spike was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness; the warm water lulling him under as he leaned his head against the back of the tub. Buffy's toes dragged along his shoulder and down his chest and even as his body took interest in her movements, he remained quiet. They hadn't made love since the Atlanta fiasco and he was going to let her take the lead. Her foot stopped over the scar and she applied increasingly steady pressure on it. His hand wrapped around her ankle and pulled it away before he could find out if she meant to seriously hurt him or not. Lifting her foot, he brought it to his mouth and ran his tongue along her instep before sucking her big toe into his mouth. She yanked her foot away from him and sank it back into the water. 

"Sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay. I know I don't deserve the privilege of making love to you anymore. Not after my betrayal."

There were a few beats of silence and Spike opened his eyes to look at her. She was studying him with the intensity of a cat stalking its prey.

"You said you didn't fuck around on me. If you didn't then how did you betray me? I mean is there something besides the obvious of spending the evening with another woman and taking the time to consider the fucking around."

"Point taken, Slayer," Spike said with a sigh.

"Okay, point taken but it still doesn't answer my question."

Tears welled up in his eyes and he closed them to keep them at bay. It was of no use as they trailed down his cheeks. After all these years he was still weak and he didn't want to be. Not now, not in front of her, not in this situation. His hand covered his face as he forced the words that he carried in his heart to be uttered from his throat. 

"I…I never deserved you. I know that. And to be given this gift of us, of this love between us and I for one moment doubted it, doubted us, and in that I betrayed what you have given me."

Her toes stroked his hip. 

"I betrayed you, too. So, does that mean I don't deserve you?"

"What do you mean?" Spike asked, his hand falling back into the water. Her eyes were bright and staring into his, turning the deep emerald they did with passion. 

"I cut myself. I followed through on the temptation to keep you from my pain. Isn't that an act of cheating? I kept a part of myself from you."

Sitting up, he hooked his hands behind her knees and pulled her toward him. She shifted until she was on her knees, straddling him with her arms looped behind his neck.

"Do not ever compare the two acts. Yours was one of confused desperation while mine…" 

Buffy shushed him by covering his mouth with her hand. "In the end, so, was yours." She laid her forehead against his. "I forgive you, husband. Please, forgive yourself."

His hands splayed across her lower back, pulling her closer to him, to his burgeoning flesh. Everything moved in slow motion as she kissed him. Her love flowed over him, cleansing him, and welcoming him home. It had been too long since she had graced him with this, and he drank it in, letting it quench his aching loneliness for her touch. Spike raised his knees and leaned her backwards to rest on his legs. Buffy watched every movement he made, his fingers skimming over her flesh and he smiled at the goose bumps that were left in their wake. Her nipples were yearning for more attention, beading and reaching for his caress. 

He growled softly as she reached between them, rising so she could sheath him inside her body.  His breath disappeared as he watched himself be swallowed. Everything heightened as she moved and he watched in wonder at the expressions that danced across her face.  Their whispers of adoration flowed into unintelligible murmurs and moans as they lost themselves in the physical expression of their love. Their joining became a reaffirmation of their commitment, realigning their hearts into perfect synchronicity that erased the hurt of the past week. Spike held her as she quaked in her climax and relaxed in her embrace as she brought him to his. In the aftermath, Buffy buried her face against his neck, and he held her tight as their heart rates slowed and breathing became easy again. 

His hands roamed her back and he kissed her shoulder. "So, Love, have you been thinking about this seduction for a while or was this a spur of the moment thing brought on by my pitiful plea for forgiveness?

Buffy laughed and eased away from him. "I think I actually decided this morning that you had been punished enough." 

Spike held her hand as she stepped from the tub and he followed her. 

"This morning?"

She wrapped a towel around his waist and she reached for one to wrap around her.

"Any man that would take his potentially explosive wife to the mall two days before Christmas follows her around, signs the credit card slips and never once complains is a man who knows his proper place in life."

Her eyes danced in mirth and Spike relaxed, he was welcome in her inner sanctum again and he wrapped his arms around her tickling the softness of her flesh. Buffy squealed in mock outrage until he kissed her silent. And he decided that he was the luckiest man alive. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 23, 2007__ _10:45 PM____

Spike decided that watching Buffy lick chocolate icing from a knife had to be one of the most erotic sights he had ever seen. His body hardened at the sight of her small, pink tongue curving around the metal, capturing every bit of the dark sweet. It was when she washed it down with a sip of blood that he couldn't decide if it was still erotic or really gross. Either way her focus in consuming her snack only called for his admiration. He rested his chin in his hand as he watched her. A bite of chocolate cake, a sip of blood, a bite of chocolate cake, a sip of milk, a smile for him and her toes caressing his foot the entire time was hypnotizing him with her rhythm. And the primal male in him wanted to rip her clothes off, lay her on the table and claim her until she screamed but he shook his head and told himself to be patient. It was his privilege again and he could wait until the time was right. 

The car pulling into the drive told him that making love to his wife would definitely have to wait until after their guests were settled. Voices and footsteps sounded across the porch and he opened the door before they knocked. 

"Hey, hello," Max said, entering first.

Cordelia and Angel followed him with their own greetings and Spike noted the frustrated expression on his Sire's face with a small twinge of glee. 

"So, how was the ride up?" Spike asked, as the hellos and hugs were slowing down.

"It was great," Max replied, his hand on Cordy's shoulder. "I never knew Cordelia and I had so much in common. She was a cheerleader and I was the high school quarterback. We talked the whole way about our glory days."

"Yeah, it was fucking wonderful," Angel muttered as he took his bags into the study.

The former cheerleader rolled her eyes and followed her husband. 

"You two are acting like high school boys," Buffy observed, waving her fork at Max and Spike. "Don't antagonize Angel or try to cause trouble for the two of them. I want happy people the next two days. Do you understand?"

"Yes, dear," Spike replied, but grinned at Max. He didn't want to cause any problems that would ruin the holidays. But the temptation, fueled by the animosity between his friend and his Sire, was too great not to exact some playful revenge on the older vampire.  And it was just plain fun to have someone on his side for a change. 

Returning to the table, Spike watched as Max helped himself to drink and food. Angel returned and the two men shot daggers at each other as the vampire prepared blood. Feeling the tension increasing, Spike sighed and knew he had better bring up something to stop the potentially volatile situation. 

"Max, any other news on the…," Spike said.

"Yes, Max, enlighten us with your superior investigative skills," Angel mocked, sitting across from Buffy. 

Cordelia returned to sit next Angel and Max brought his food and took the chair next to Spike before answering. 

"We have the composite drawing that I was telling you about earlier," Max explained, between bites of his sandwich. "And its being compared to the surveillance tapes as well as seeing if there are any other matches of faces in them. We are going on the theory right now that SB was at the hotel to arrange a 'chance' meeting but was beaten by…" He hesitated looking at Buffy.

"Amber and Nikki," Buffy completed. "It's okay. I'm not going to freak."

Her hand covered Spike's, showing her still fragile feelings over the matter and he squeezed it. The emotions were being pushed back so that Buffy could deal with the matter at hand. Even though she was no longer the official Slayer, she would always be influenced by the role. Spike admired Buffy's determination to handle this in a detached, rational manner.

"I just have one question though," Buffy said. "Spike explained the idea that SB found out about the scar from the walk on the beach. But how did the condoms get in the suitcase?"

"I live out of my suitcase and in hotels," Max said. "Between the time you leave your hotel room and arrive at your next destination, you put your suitcase down dozens of times. Checking out, waiting for your car or a taxi, giving it to the driver, at the luggage wheel at the airport, there are countless places that someone could take a few seconds, unzip the pocket and slip something inside. Not to mention, if she is really good, she could have found a way to get into the hotel room itself or bribe someone to do it for her."

"You seem to have dismissed Amber and Nikki," Angel said, leaning on the table, intently focused on the discussion. "Isn't there a chance that it is one of them?"

"They were, of course, the first suspects. Trying to get an impartial opinion, I sent investigators that I trusted to question them. It was determined that they don't fit the profile. Their finding was that Amber doesn't really have the intellectual makeup to pull off something that complex. She's great at her job but otherwise she's clueless." Max looked at Spike for a second but returned his gaze to Angel before finishing. "Nikki's too socially oriented to fit the profile. She wasn't looking for romantic involvement, just a good time for a few hours and has already taken off for a confirmed holiday in Colorado."

Spike could feel everyone's gaze on him and he tried to keep his face blank while the emotions swirled in him. He didn't want to feel the twinge of rejection at the thought that he wasn't good enough to be taken seriously. And that he was so unimportant that he had been dismissed so easily. But he did. He was certain in Nikki's mind that he was beneath her and there was brief pain. He started when Buffy's hand squeezed his this time and he looked up at her and only saw understanding in her eyes. Then it was gone, as surely as he had been dismissed from Nikki's mind, she was dismissed from his. His wife's opinion was the only one that mattered and she loved him. 

"What is the profile then?" Spike asked to take the focus off of him. 

"Single, having difficulty in making lasting relationships, therefore most likely never married, predatory and will go to great lengths to rationalize how this particular relationship would work with you."

"So, she's an ugly toad with no life then," Buffy said.

Max smiled, "Not many women can compare to the beauty at this table but to call them ugly toads is a little much. But the profile for this type of stalker is of a woman that possesses a strong need to be liked and is skilled at attracting men."

Angel grunted at Max's compliment directed at his wife and Buffy. "Then she's not ugly?"

"Actually, if the composite is our woman then, no, she's not ugly. She is attractive, petite, brunette, and of average weight."

"If she's attractive," Cordelia said, "and is skilled at attracting men then why Spike?"

"Thanks, Cordy," Spike said. "I feel so much better now."

The others laughed and Cordelia waved her hand. "I mean, why doesn't she find herself a boyfriend? Someone that will actually return her feelings instead of this fantasy she insists on living in."

"She can't handle an actual relationship because her interpersonal skills are nonexistent. She has no clue how to be with someone thus develops fantasies based on an emotional response to someone that she thinks would be perfect for her. Her feelings are transferred to the other person making her think it's a real relationship. That's why she sends the flowers, the cards and the gifts. And she will find a way to rationalize why Spike is ignoring her or not leaving Buffy to be with her."

"Max," Buffy said. "What happens when she stops rationalizing? Or if she thinks that it's me and the children standing between her and her happiness. Will she become violent?"

"Most likely, Buffy," Max answered. "But we're going to try and stop her before it gets to that point." His eyes met Spike's in a mutual agreement that they would do everything in their power to do just that.

~~~~~~~~

_December 24, 2007__ _12:07 AM____

Buffy slipped the last pin from her hair and allowed it to flow over her shoulders. As her hands combed it out, she heard the soft click of the camera and turned surprised eyes to Spike. He grinned as he snapped another photo. 

"Spike, do you have to take photos of me like this?" Buffy asked, motioning to her nude body.   
  
"Well, yeah, you're beautiful and I want lots of pictures of the baby growing in you."

"Congratulations," she cooed, "very excellent choice of words by the way, instead of telling me that you want pictures of my stomach getting huge. And those pictures can't be shown to anyone, nipples showing."

"Lean back on one hand and drape the other arm over those tasty morsels," Spike instructed as he arranged a discarded towel around her hips so her bottom and pubic area wouldn't show.

Giggling, she obeyed. It stroked her ego that he wanted pictures of her and only thought that her stomach was beautiful as she felt more ungainly everyday. 

"Now, that you've given up writing, are you going to become a photographer now?"

Spike sat on the bed, playing with the camera.

"Well, actually, I talked to Barney about putting together a collection of nudes of you to publish. He said that it would give a new twist to the reality phase of a few years ago. What men really find attractive about their wives? I told him that you'd be willing to pose for me."

Stunned, Buffy looked at him, trying to find some clue he was joking but his face was totally serious as he viewed the pictures he had just taken.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No," Spike said, glancing up at her. "I emailed him some samples already."

Gasping, she stood, "You so did not."

"I think it was the one of you going to town with Mr. Shivers that sold him on the idea."

Realizing he was joking with her, she snapped the towel at his leg and advanced on him. He hurriedly put the camera on the nightstand and played along, scooting back on the bed and begging for mercy. Laughing, she descended on him, lightly raining blows on his chest as he growled up at her. 

"You bastard," Buffy giggled, allowing him to turn her on her back. His mouth attacked her, nipping and kissing his way down her body. Her legs opened so he could crawl between them and although, it was bad timing, she remembered something. "I thought you said you deleted that picture."

He didn't answer her and she soon forgot the question. His tongue was too busy giving her shivers that put her toy to shame.

to be continued…


	35. And One Lord a Leaping

**Chapter 34 – And One Lord a Leaping**

_December 24, 2007__ _9:40 AM____

The coffee was hot, warming her hands, while Buffy inhaled the rich scent.

"Give that here," Spike scolded, taking his mug back from her. "No caffeine remember?"

Smiling, she waited until he took a sip before pulling his head down to kiss him. Her tongue probed deep into his mouth tasting the forbidden treat. He laughed around her invasion and hugged her as close as her developing stomach would allow. Giggling, she pulled back and licked her lips. 

"That was good."

"Yeah, much better with a little Spike flavoring added, huh?"

"Definitely," she whispered. Her voice lowered to a husky whisper as the back of her fingers brushed against his crotch. "I like the way you taste."

Spike placed the mug back on the counter and tangled his hands in her hair. Their play turned serious as he kissed her, letting his tongue plunder her mouth, and she pulled him closer. Already she missed the way their bodies used to align and his erection would push against her sex through her clothes. The baby was there between them now and making love was becoming something they had to think about instead of just falling into. Her hand slipped from his hip to settle on her stomach and he stepped back. His hand rested on the other side of her stomach so that their child was cradled between their hands. For a moment, they stayed that way, smiling into each other's eyes, and appreciating what they had. 

"Good morning, you two," Cordelia chirped. 

"Morning," Spike answered, stepping away from his wife. 

Buffy flashed him a wan smile and sat at the table. It seemed their moment of privacy was over and the day had started. Angel followed in a few minutes later, already showered and impeccably dressed. Coffee, blood and pastries were passed around and prepared until everyone had something. Max stumbled in last, still in sweat pants and t-shirt, heading directly for the coffee and didn't say anything to anyone, until he took his first deep drink of the brew. 

"Where is Del?" Angel asked.

"She's with her family for the holiday," Buffy said.

"Oh," Cordelia said, glancing around at everyone. "Umm, who is cooking dinner tomorrow?"

"Didn't Spike tell you?" Max asked with an evil glint in his eye as he sat at the table. "He volunteered us guys to cook."

"Huh?" Angel asked, staring at Max. "You mean you and Spike, right?"

"No, all three of us," Spike said. "The girls don't need to worry about it and I thought it would be a good bonding experience. Oh, and there is the open house food to prepare, too."

"Do you have everything?" Angel demanded. "What's the menu?"

"Menu?" Max asked. "I thought we'd just wing it."

"Wings sound good," Spike added. 

"This is going to be a disaster," Cordelia muttered, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Pizza place delivers," Raven said, bounding into the room. She dropped the mail she was holding onto the table and leaned against Spike, her arm wrapped around his shoulders. "I called and checked as soon as I heard the news."

"Oh, yea, of little faith," Max said, pulling on a lock of Raven's hair. "We are going to make a fantastic dinner and due to your lack of faith, I think we just find us an assistant."

"Oh, no, I am not helping."

"Yes, you are," Spike and Angel said simultaneously. 

Buffy laughed along with the others and pulled the pile of mail toward her. She tuned the others out as they started planning the food and flipped through the envelopes. She made a pile for bills and one for junk. At the bottom were two red envelopes that she assumed were Christmas cards but there was no return address. A quick glance at the postmark and her stomach tightened. They were mailed from a postal facility in Atlanta. 

"Spike, she sent something," Buffy said, reaching for Spike.

The conversation stopped as everyone turned to look at the envelopes in Buffy's hands.

"Don't open those," Max said. "I'll be right back."

Spike patted Raven's leg. "Go on, Princess, I don't want you in here while we open these."

"Dad."

"Go and make sure Elijah doesn't come in here."

Rolling her eyes, Raven made her way out of the room as Max returned. He picked up the envelopes and carried them over to the sink. After putting on latex gloves he slit them open and peered inside. 

"I'm going to put these in plastic bags and take them to Atlanta with me."

"What's in them, Max?" Buffy asked.

"They're Christmas cards."

"Then why don't you want us to see them?" Buffy persisted.

Sighing, Max returned to the table. "She included pictures for both of you."

"Let's see them." 

"Are you sure you want to see these, Buffy?" After she nodded, he added, "Just remember she sent these to hurt you."

Buffy wasn't really sure if she wanted to see or not. She knew the pictures were of her husband with another woman. Nikki. But it was like Max said, they had been sent with the intentions of hurting her, of hurting them, and if she never saw them then they would eat at her imagination until it became worse then it really was. To look at them, to accept it, would only take the power away from SB. And that's what she intended to do. 

"Put them out."

"Don't touch them." Max warned. He opened the one addressed to Spike first and spilled the photos on the table. With one glove finger he spread them out so they could be viewed. 

This wasn't what Buffy was expecting and from the various expressions of surprise, neither had anyone else. They were pictures of her and Angel in this very room. There were four in all, one of Angel walking toward her with a grin on his face, one of him bending down as if to kiss her, one of them hugging and the last was of Angel picking her up. Incriminating when viewed as is without any explanation of what the situation truly was. She glanced at Spike. His face showed his conflicting emotions but he didn't say anything. After the accusations of the other night, she expected an outpouring of some kind but he surprised her with his continued silence.

"This is the morning when Spike was in Atlanta," Angel said. "Buffy was upset and I carried her into the living room so we could talk."

Spike stood suddenly and Buffy flinched as he slammed the small wooden shutters of the window closed. 

"I can't believe it," Spike shouted. "She has someone taking bleedin' photos of us in our own home. Who the goddamn hell does she think she is?"

"I'll get extra surveillance equipment around the perimeter of the house," Max said.

Angel stood and leaned on the table. "I think we've had enough of your help. I'm taking over and I'll find the woman."

"No," Max said. "The investigation already has too many different branches of law enforcement in it. You just can't go barging in and take over without exposing everything."

"I wouldn't be just barging in," Angel snarled. "Unlike you, I would have had this taken care of by now."

"Angel, no," Buffy interrupted, eyeing Spike walking toward Angel. "We appreciate it but Max is right at this point. Besides we need you to help with everything else. Please."

"She's right," Spike said, his hand resting on his Sire's shoulder. "We do need your help with the baby issue and helping with Buffy."

Angel shook off Spike's hand and leaned against the kitchen counter. His arms crossed in front of him as he glared at Max.

"Max," Buffy whispered, "The other ones. I need to see them."

There were a lot of photos in the card addressed to her.  Some included Max but mostly of Spike with a dark haired woman. Buffy swallowed back the bile as she forced herself to look at each of them. There were ones of the two just walking, but there were others that told a different tale. Spike leaning in so Nikki could whisper in his ear, one of the two of them laughing in the restaurant, and there was one of her husband holding this woman's hand as he helped her from the taxi. She turned her head, letting her eyes close as she tried to fight back the images. It was easier when there was no face to go with the name. Only a shape of a woman that her husband found attractive instead of this pretty girl that had wanted what was hers. 

Buffy opened her eyes and the pictures were gone. Max was putting the two envelopes into plastic bags to be labeled as evidence. Angel and Cordelia gave her sympathetic stares and Spike looked at her with such guilt that it made her hurt. She stood and took her mate's hands in hers.

"I won't let her win this round. We've settled this and I'm going to let it go," Buffy whispered. 

It wasn't what her emotions screamed at her to do but it's what her heart urged. She had forgiven him and she would find a way to deal with it. Their relationship didn't need anymore tearing at it and she wasn't going to be the one to wield the scissors that would destroy it.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 24, 2007__ _3:25 PM____

The scent was soft and seductive. Buffy sprayed a small amount on her wrist and waved it under Spike's nose. 

"Do you like it?" Buffy asked.

"It's nice," Spike pronounced and hugged her a little closer. 

"Thank you, Dawn." 

After the drama of the morning things had been going a lot smoother. The guys had pulled together with the help of Raven and Connor and planned a menu; gotten the grocery shopping done and made food for the open house they were having for the family. The decision had been made to split the family for Christmas day. Dawn and Josh were spending it with their parents, Willow and Tara were going to the Harris's and even Clem had taken off with friends. This left Angel and his family with the Blood's and Max. Therefore, Buffy and Spike had invited everyone to drop over sometime on Christmas Eve and exchange presents and spend time together. 

Dawn and Josh were there now, along with the Harris's, except something wasn't quite right. Buffy glanced around at everyone. The children were in front of the television watching a holiday cartoon which was typical. It was the adults that gave her cause for concern. They were ignoring Spike. Oh, they had been polite, greeted him, exchanged presents but the closeness was missing. It was Xander that really let her know something was up. Usually, by now he would have dragged her husband off somewhere to bullshit about something and sneak some spiked eggnog or some beer. He wasn't though. 

Her gaze landed on Spike and she realized he noticed, too but he didn't want to say anything for fear of causing problems. She sighed and leaned a little closer to him. He was trying so hard and needed the break of having his friends and family here. When she noticed her sister heading for the kitchen she followed. 

"What's going on?" 

Dawn jumped and looked out of the freezer that she had been getting ice from. "I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do. Now, spill it."

"No, I'm not going to be the one to say anything. I am so not getting in trouble this time." She returned to filling her glass.

"You're going to tell me," Buffy demanded, advancing on her.

"Tell you what?" Xander asked, appearing in the kitchen door.

"What the hell is going on? Why is Spike the family pariah today?"

A trapped look fell on her friend's face as he tried to flee but Buffy grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn around and look at her. She was determined to get some answers and someone was going to give them.

"Okay, fine," Xander said, "We know. We know all about Atlanta and Nikki."

One eyebrow arched as Buffy stared at her friend. She should have known that it would have gotten around. All it took was for one person to know and the whole family would know within hours. Sometimes it could be good and times like this, it irritated the hell out of her. 

"And this is in anyway your business or place to judge because…?"

"Our business," Xander exclaimed, "Our place to judge? Maybe because we're family or maybe because we care what happens to you?"

"Fine, care but don't treat him like he's diseased or something."

"What are we supposed to do? Forgive him like you do?" Xander asked. "Come on, the first time, I can accept he made a mistake. The second time he's developing a bit of a pattern here and I'm having a hard time with it. What was it? A week ago that he was running around, telling everyone how much he loves you and he's going to protect you then, bam, he does this."

"He didn't do anything." 

Buffy felt her sister's hand on her shoulder and she just wanted to hide somewhere. The tears were threatening to well up.

"What if next time he just figures you're going to forgive him like you always do so he goes ahead and does it?" Dawn asked. 

"What do you suggest I do?" Buffy moved away so she could look at them both. "Punish him by leaving him? Yeah, that would really punish him. He gets the house, the kids, the cars, the money and the freedom and gee, what would I get? A padded cell because I'm five months pregnant and schizophrenic.  I don't have a lot of choices, so, yeah; I think forgiving him is the better alternative at this point."

"Are you staying with him because you think you don't have any choices?" Dawn asked. "We can always figure something out…"

"You're joking right? We? Don't tell me that you would consider giving up your life to take care of me? Since he got back, Spike is with me twenty-four hours a day, we sleep together, shower together and go to the bathroom together all because my mental illness is making me mentally ill. I'm paranoid and prone to panic at the thought that I'll lose my grip and get lost so he is with me all the time to make sure I feel secure. Does anyone else want to take this on? I didn't think so. I'm staying with Spike."

Buffy looked at the stunned expressions on her sister and friend. No one had been told how bad it had gotten. She had been afraid of their rejection so her husband was constantly covering for her and protecting her. Elijah had been the one to give her the new nickname of Shadow because that's what she was now. Spike's shadow. The tears that had been welling up spilled over onto her cheeks and she wiped them with the back of her hand. She started when she felt Xander's arms around her.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he said. "I didn't know that you were having such a hard time. I just don't want you any more hurt and it pissed me off when I heard what happened."

"He's not perfect but he's mine," Buffy whispered, pushing Xander away. She wanted him to understand maybe just a little. "It's not easy for either one of us right now but we're going to hang in there. I'm not giving up on him and I'm asking you not to either." She knew she had won when Xander nodded his head and she smiled at him. "Please let everyone else know because none of us need anymore hurt and anger, okay?"

Dawn joined the hug and she let them hold her. It wasn't to comfort her, she knew. It was to comfort them. None of them understood the depth of her illness because they weren't with her all the time. The only people who did, lived in this house, or had spent more than a few hours with her. Her children thought it was normal living with a woman who slipped in and out of reality like people walked in and out of rooms. Her housekeeper and friend just accepted whatever mood she was in and her husband got all the ugliness of her existence now. And she loved him even more for it.

~~~~~~~~

_December 24, 2007__ _11:53 PM____

Buffy lay on the bed waiting for him. She was nude except for a pair of white cotton panties and the seductive innocence in her pose made his body yearn for her. She watched him as he moved around their room, picking up discarded clothes, straightening the dresser top before finally moving to the closet to undress. Spike was delaying the time as long as possible before he joined her in their bed because it might be the last time. He glanced out at her and wished he could change everything. But wishes could be cruel too and all he could hope for was that Buffy's love was strong enough. 

He had been sucker punched this afternoon by words that he wasn't intended to hear. The pitiful desperation in his wife's tone had made him want to scream and rant but instead he had let the door close again. He had done enough damage to the woman that he had sworn to love and protect forever. Spike had broken a promise. Once more he had failed her and embarrassed her in front of her family and friends. And this time the realization had broken something inside of him leaving him without any pride left. Maybe it was because she was breaking and there was nothing he could do about it except give her as much happiness as he could.

Still wearing his jeans, Spike grabbed the bottle of oil off the dresser and sat on the edge of the bed. He rubbed some oil between his hands to warm them but still she jumped a bit when he touched her.  Slowly he massaged the oil into her stomach, feeling a surge of pride as he covered the bulge that his child lay beneath. 

"I can't wait until I can feel the baby move," he whispered reverently. 

"It's really amazing. It's still just flutters but to know that there is someone alive inside of me. It's really just, wow."

Spike smiled at her. His hand drifted upwards and gently coated her breasts. Tara had prepared the that oil was supposed to help with stretch marks and he did this every night for her. He enjoyed feeling and familiarizing himself with the changes that her body was going through; participating in this creation of life as much as he could. For someone who had taken the lives of so many, his guilt had hindered the thought of creating life but now that they had children and had made this baby in Buffy's body, the joy was indescribable. Her breasts were heavier now, more like when she had been the slightly pudgy teenager he had first met, and the male in him was thankful for them. 

"Are you putting oil on or just enjoying playing with my tits?" Buffy teased when he lingered a little longer on them than was necessary. 

"Both, Love, both."

She shifted to her side, rolling as far as she could onto her stomach so he could massage her lower back. 

"Buffy, I heard part of the conversation between you and Xander this afternoon," Spike slipped in as he worked out a kink along her hip.

"Which part?"

"The part where you said you didn't have any choices."

"Oh," Buffy said her body stiffening as she glanced back at him. 

"Relax, Baby, I'm not upset." 

She nodded and sank back into the pillows cradling her body. 

"You do have choices, you know?" Spike said, watching her face for a reaction but she only nodded slightly. "If you decided that you couldn't live with me anymore, I'd be the one to leave not you. This house is yours. And I'd never take the kids from you."

"Do you want to leave?"

Her voice held a trace of panic and he hastened to reassure her.

"No, no, I don't. I'm talking about you here. I…we never really talked about what happened. Then you forgave me and took me back and it was just dropped." His hands moved to her shoulders, brushing her hair out of the way. "I just want you to know that what happens is up to you. If you can't trust me enough to live with me then you're still taken care of. I wouldn't let you go into an institution. I'd hire nurses to live with you around the clock here at home. If you don't want to share a bed with me anymore but still want me to take care of you, I'll stay."

Buffy sat up and reached for her nightshirt. 

"It's hard to have a serious conversation when you're not wearing clothes." After she was covered, she studied him for a moment. "Is that how you really feel?"

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

A part of him was terrified that she would tell him that she didn't want him anymore. It was what he had been afraid for since the beginning. That one day she would realize that he wasn't good enough for her. That she would remember that he was beneath her and only a stand in until she found the real thing.

"I love you, Spike. You. Not anyone else. You are the only part of my past that really matters, you fill up my present and I only hope that I will die an old woman in your arms. Understand that?"

He nodded, too overcome to utter a single word.

"I am angry and hurt by what you did. The thought that another woman would even be appealing to you makes me wonder why the fuck I'm not good enough," Her hand covered his mouth when he went to protest. "No, let me finish. You wanted to talk this out so we are. Maybe then it will finally be over with. A part of me wants to punish you and make you hurt for doing it yet again. My emotions want to scream and rant and cry for everyone to hear and make you feel so much guilt for it." Buffy stopped for a moment as she began to cry. "And sometimes I want to wear the badge of martyrdom for having to put up with you. Then I look in the mirror and I see that girl I was when I moved into your crypt. She was so broken and so desperately looking for a reason to live. And then I look at you and I see the man who saved me, the man who kept giving me the room to run until I ran out of options. And the man who welcomed me home when I realized I had none, save for him. And I pray everyday that one day you'll run out of options, too and I'll be here to welcome you home when you do."

"Oh, God, Buffy, I'm so sorry," His tearful apology was heartfelt as he buried his face in her lap. Her hand weaved its way through his hair as he cried. "I love you so much and I get so scared that you'll finally see I'm not what you want."

"You'll always be what I want. And I'm going to say something else so just listen. Okay?"

He nodded.

"Max, I love the man to death. He's been a friend to us in a lot of ways but he will never compare to you. He's let me down twice now and not because there was nothing else that he could do but because he's weak. And Angel," Buffy laughed. "He was my first love. My guidance when everything was new and strange here in Sunnydale but now…how do I put this? It's almost like I see him paternally. Yeah, I called him to protect me but not because I wanted to be close to him but because I know he takes his family ties seriously. He wouldn't let anything happen to me because in a way I belong to him. Does that make sense?"

If she was a vampire, it would. Spike sat up as he contemplated her words. His fingers drifted over the scar that Angel had given him on Thanksgiving. Since then, he realized that was what they had been settling into. He hadn't protested when she had called his Sire for protection. Before her illness he would have thrown a fit and had only said something when the anger had loosened his tongue. Even Angel was acting more territorial especially when it came to Max; a male that was threatening his position as alpha male. He shook his head. This family was a crazy mix of humans, slayers, demons and various other mystical beings. Of course, when one of them was threatened they would react toward type. That's all it was.

"Yeah, that makes sense. I understand."

When her face relaxed and she beamed at him, Spike knew he had said the right thing. The love he had been afraid of losing was burning deep in her eyes, warming the depths of his soul and he let go. Let go of the doubts and the fear that plagued him and her love filled all the spaces inside of him. And he was right; she consumed him, heart, body and soul and he didn't mind it at all. 

"I want to come home, Baby," he whispered. 

to be continued…


	36. Upon a Midnight Clear

**Chapter 35 – Upon a ****Midnight**** Clear**

_December 25, 2007__ _12:01 AM____

_Yes_, Raven thought as the dusty remains of a slain vampire blew off into the wind. She turned to find out how Connor was doing and was horrified to see a vamp that hadn't been seen in the confusion approaching him from behind. Taking off at a run, she flipped over a gravestone, and as her partner staked the vampire he was fighting, Raven landed on the before unseen demon and staked him. Unable to stop her momentum, she continued forward, landing on Connor as he turned to see what was happening. She slammed into him and they fell to the ground. They both grunted and took a moment to catch their breath. 

_Oh, my Gods, I'm on top of Connor_. His hands were on her waist holding her steady and she realized with a blush that she was straddling him. And THAT was hard against her inner thigh. Every other time they had found themselves even close to this position, one of them had scurried away. This time she didn't move. She should. She knew that much. But she didn't want to. They were both panting and sweaty and her adrenaline was pumping. And there was something definitely thumping between her legs. It never felt like this with Sean and it was making her want something to happen, anything to happen just as long as it eased the need screaming in her blood. _Why isn't he pushing me away? Raven lifted her head and shifted so her face was above his. It was like an explosion when their eyes met and she knew he wanted her just as much. And it was more than a physical reaction. She swallowed and decided to go for it, lowering her head toward his and found herself on her ass on the ground._

"Not like this," Connor said, holding a hand out to her so he could help her up.

She ignored it. 

"Like what?" She asked, scrambling to stand with some dignity.

"Not without thinking. Not as a reaction to a situation. Besides I promised your mother," he said and headed toward her house.

"You promised my mother what?" Raven asked in a tone that would have sent her brothers running. _Okay, can't get a response one way, I'll get it another._

She stopped and hoped he would too. They were in the middle of the backyard and if he went inside then this conversation would never happen. He stopped, eyeing her warily.

_Good let him be scared because I'm not playing nice anymore._

"I promised your mother that I wouldn't take advantage of you. And I intend to keep it."

He stepped closer and she took a step back.

"You discussed my sex life with my mother."

"You have a sex life? Something you haven't told me?" 

That pissed her off. First he rejected her and now he was teasing her. 

"Maybe."

Raven crossed her arms and leaned back on one foot. Her hair was tossed, oh so casually, over one shoulder and then it was her turn to be scared. Connor was only inches away and she could see his pupils dilate with anger.

"No one had better be touching you."

"What difference does it make to you? You haven't claimed me."

"I haven't claimed you because you are still a child that likes to tease and play games when you have no real clue what you're doing."

Why couldn't she breathe? Why was the world spinning? Did that mean he did want to claim her?

"I'm not a child." 

Why did her voice come out in a squeak?

He laughed. His eyes running over her and letting her know that was exactly how he saw her. A little girl not to be taken seriously and it hurt. 

"And what makes you think I'd want you to claim me," Raven lashed out. "You're just a silly boy that thinks he's a man when you can't even…oh, you can't even keep a girl for more than a couple of weeks."

She knew the words had hurt him and she was instantly sorry. She wanted to cry and forget these last few minutes but she wouldn't do it in front of him but as she walked away he grabbed her arm.

"Why do you do this?" Connor asked. "Why does everything have to be a big production? I planned something and now it's all…I shouldn't have expected anything else."

_He planned something? For us?_

It took a moment for her to realize that he was walking toward the house.

"Connor wait, please?" Raven darted in front of him. "I'm sorry. I am. I just get all riled up and it has to go somewhere." Taking his hand she led him to the steps. After they were settled, "Talk to me."

Connor shrugged his shoulders and she squeezed his hand. 

"I don't want to be your Angel. I want to be your Spike."

"Huh?" 

He laughed as his eyes caressed her face with what could only be love in their depths and she felt a softer warmth move through her. It wasn't the hot flash of need but a comfortable heat that you find from sunny days and wool blankets. She smiled at him and scooted closer. He didn't object. 

"I know my logic probably sucks but I listen." Connor said. "I've listened to all the stories that this family tells and it's like your mum. She and my Dad fell in love right away. And they got together right away. There wasn't anything between them but that love and when things got bad and confusing the love alone wasn't enough to get them through it and they fell apart. With Spike and Buffy, they knew each other for a long time. They fought all the time but at the same time, there was a level of trust there because they worked together. She knew what his strengths and weaknesses were and he knew the same about her. By the time they made a commitment, they had all these experiences together, memories between them, good and bad. So, when things are rocky, they have all those things connecting them and holding them together until they find their love again."

"Oh."

What could she say? Raven leaned forward, letting her long hair shield her for a moment while she tried to get her thoughts together. It made sense in a weird sort of way. She knew that there was no way her Dad would let her date Connor now. She didn't want to sneak around. Even if she wanted it, she wasn't really sure that she wanted to be having sex right now. Her whole life was still in the process of settling into this new life and into being a Slayer. And most importantly, she did need Connor patrolling with her more than she needed him to be a boyfriend. With tears in her eyes, she looked at him and nodded. 

With a grin Connor reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. 

"For me?" Raven asked.

When he nodded she took it from him and opened it slowly. It was her first gift from him and her first Christmas present in this new life and she wanted to enjoy it. It was a charm necklace. 

"I found it in this pawn shop. I know no one wears them anymore but…"

Her fingers separated the charms on it. There was a tiny cross, a heart and a small dog charm. It was perfect.

"Thank you. I love it." 

Impulsively she hugged him and his arms encircled her. Connor helped her put it on and she ran fingers over it lovingly. It was then that he took her hand and led her into the backyard again. The moon was full and they stood in its light. 

"What's going on?"

"There is something else," Connor said, almost shyly. "I want us to have memories between us. Something to hold onto until the time is right. I talked to Buffy about it and she knows."

_What is it with him and my mother?_

His lips were on hers and she yelped, pulling away. 

_Where the hell did that come from?_

"What are you doing? What happened to that big speech?" Raven asked. Every nerve in her body was on red alert. _He was kissing you and you pulled away. Idiot._

Connor chuckled, his hands on her hips, drawing her closer. 

"It's your first Christmas in Sunnydale. It's the first Christmas that we are going to share. And we are standing under the moon on Christmas morning and I want to remember our first kiss this way."

Raven nodded.

This time she didn't yelp, act surprised or pull away. Connor was only the second boy she had ever kissed. Well, the first man she had kissed. He knew what he was doing unlike the fumbling she'd shared with Sean. Her toes curled in her boots as his tongue danced along hers and she melted against him. It was okay because he was holding her, coaxing her along until she was bold enough to stroke his tongue with hers. One of them moaned and she hoped it wasn't her because she was lost in the sensations and didn't want it to stop because she was being stupid again. 

Raven wasn't sure how long they kissed but she knew her life was never going to be the same again. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face against his neck when it was over. She was home. She never had to be scared of being alone again. Her lips curved into a faint smile and she knew that even if it took them years to be together it was going to be worth the wait. 

~~~~~~~~~

_December 25, 2007__ _7:46 AM__

Spike was twitchy. And Angel was no different. They both kept fidgeting and every once in a while their knees or hands would collide. Face it. You could play the game, call it the holidays or pretend it was just a commercial thing but two demons sitting in a circle on Christmas morning celebrating HIS birth and souled or not they'd be ready to climb the walls. If it wasn't for the love of the women flanking them or the love of their children they'd never do this. It was unnatural for vampires to embrace something holy. 

He shook his head as he watched Raven open another present. The leather duster was already being worn over her pajamas. There was loot all over the living room, in piles behind each recipient. This circle thing was Raven's idea and they had followed along to make her happy. She had already gathered forces in Sean and Connor when she presented it to the adults, so here they were sitting around the Christmas tree. Eli was free to play with his toys and only came back when another present was found for him. Even the dog was sitting on Connor's lap enjoying the chew toy she had been given. Sean was the one passing the presents around and everybody waited in expectation as he pulled another one out. 

"This is for Buffy."

The box was put in front of her and she eyed it with a gleeful look. The presents under the tree were growing smaller and already his wife had accumulated a leather bound journal from Max, clothes and other little things she wanted. Even if no one else saw it, Spike could see the disappointment in her eyes when she saw it was from Angel and Cordelia. Buffy was hoping for something special from him and hadn't received it yet and as there was less to open, she was becoming sadder. But she rose to the challenge and laughed and joked as she ripped the paper off the gift in front of her.

"A bread machine," Buffy said. Her eyebrow arched up as she viewed it.

"Well, your becoming a lot more domesticated and home made bread smells really great," Angel said. 

In other words, there is no way I am giving you anything that might make Spike jealous. It was like the journal from Max, it was to record her life with her family. It was a safe present.  

"Thank you. We'll definitely use it around here."

Spike picked it up and put it behind her. A box was put in front of him and he checked the tag. It was from Buffy and she was nervous as she watched him open it. There was nothing on the box to indicate what it was and he pried it open. His eyes flew open as he saw the leather bound volumes of books. Carefully he pulled one out. It was a first edition collection of Tennyson poetry. In total there were five books, all rare volumes of poetry from the time when he was human. 

"Do you like them?" Buffy asked. 

He turned stunned eyes to her. It was amazing that she would do this for him. These were books that he had loved and had read over and over. He remembered telling her about them one night and wondered how she could have memorized the titles. It clicked. Of course, she had his memories and every want and desire that he had ever had was locked in that brain of hers. 

"Thank you," he whispered. It was all he could manage through the lump in his throat. He kissed her cheek and hugged her tight. 

"Angel found them for me," Buffy said. 

"Well, then," Spike said, turning to his Sire. It started off as a joke as he kissed Angel's cheek but as he wrapped his arm around the older vampire, something changed and it became a serious gesture of gratitude. The hug was returned before they realized what they were doing in front of everyone. They released each other reluctantly because they knew a barrier had been broken down and a new friendship was being born between them. Maybe there were miracles after all. 

The rest of the presents were passed out, a negligee for Cordelia from Angel that made her and Connor blush, more toys for Elijah, and a body pillow that Spike had gotten for Buffy so she could sleep easier. As the last present was opened, his wife leaned against him and he squeezed her thigh. She was hurt that there wasn't something more from him. Spike caught Raven's eye and winked at her.

"Mum, you haven't opened the presents in your stocking yet," Raven declared, seizing it from the mantel and handing it to her mother.

"Later, maybe, I need to…"

"Open it, Babe," Spike urged. 

Buffy glanced at him, suspicion and disappointment warring in her eyes and dumped the stocking out. There was something stuck in the toe and she reached in to pull it out. Her eyes opened wide at the distinctive blue box. With fingers shaking she pulled the ribbon off and opened the box. Inside was the jeweler's box and by now Buffy's entire body was shaking. Spike smiled as she flipped the lid open and the tears were falling as she saw the diamond engagement ring for the first time. A princess cut in a tiffany setting on a platinum band to match her wedding ring. Buffy looked at him and it wasn't happiness reflected in those emerald depths. It was sadness. 

"What's wrong?"

"Did you have Angel buy this for you?"

Spike tilted his head as he tried to figure out what she meant. Then he knew. She wanted to know if the ring was a salve for his guilty conscience. 

"God, Buffy," Spike exploded, but stopped at the hand on his knee and he calmed himself by taking a deep breath. "No, I bought it in when I was in New York. The Tiffany's on Fifth Ave."

He could show her the receipt. Cordelia could back him up because she was on the phone with him when he was looking over the selection. Even Raven could be an alibi because she had known for weeks and was the one who told him to put it in her stocking. But he wanted her to trust that he wouldn't lie to her so he waited.

She believed him. Her eyes lit up the way he had imagined and her grin went from ear to ear. 

"Well, are you going to put it on me?" She asked, holding her hand out. It fit like it was made for her. There was nothing better than the joy on her face as everyone admired her present. He settled back and watched his family in action. This was his life and after he had let go of his fears he realized he loved it with a ferociousness that made even the demon in him quake in fright.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 25, 2007__ _8:45 PM____

It had been a day of gluttony and Buffy could barely move but she forced herself to put her feet on the coffee table and lay her head on the back of the couch. Cordelia was hardly moving herself on the other end and they were both in total contrast of the teenage girl sitting between them. Raven was on a high that wouldn't stop and had wanted to talk to her for hours. This was the first moment of privacy that had been found all day. Elijah was sound asleep, Sean and Connor were on the computer and the three men were in the kitchen cleaning up.

"Okay, you two, if I spill you have to promise that you won't tease me or let him know that I told you," Raven declared. 

Buffy and Cordelia shared a conspiratorial look behind Raven's head as the girl looked from one to the other. They both gave a solemn nod to her request. With a squeal Raven drew her legs up and leaned back into the couch.

"He kissed me, oh my gods, it was great."

"So, I take it 'he' is Connor?" Buffy asked with a smile, knowing perfectly well who 'he' was. 

"And that you're happy about it?" Cordelia asked. 

"Of course and yes," Raven replied. 

It was good to have a moment of happy and Buffy settled down to listen to her daughter describe in minute detail everything that had happened during patrol last night. Every few seconds her eyes would wander to her hand and the diamond ring that shone on it. She still couldn't believe that Spike had given it to her. It made her want to squeal like Raven was doing over Connor. She, Buffy Summers, had an engagement ring on her finger and it surpassed every dream she had once had of her perfect ring. If he hadn't been back in her heart before Spike certainly was now. 

"Mum," Raven called, snapping her fingers in front of her face.

"Sorry," Buffy said and smiled, "Got lost in my own 'Oh, my God', moment here."

Cordelia and her daughter both smiled and they once again admired her Christmas present. A noise sounded from the kitchen and all three looked toward the door. The radio was on and someone was turning the volume up. And Angel was singing along. Then Spike joined in followed finally by Max. 

"How much eggnog did they have?" Buffy asked. 

Sometime in the afternoon Max had commandeered a jug of the drink and added a liberal amount of bourbon. The three men had been imbibing all afternoon but with the amount of food that Spike and Max had eaten it should have soaked up most of it. Maybe they were just trying to make Angel feel better since as usual he hadn't eaten. 

Cordelia shrugged and muted the television so they could listen better. 

_Happy people pass my way_

_Lookin__' in their eyes _

_I see a memory_

_I never realized_

_How happy you made me, oh, Mandy _

"It's Angel's favorite song," Cordy informed them.

"You're kidding, right?" Buffy asked. "He never told me. And he used to make fun of me and my boy bands."

Raven was giggling nonstop and as they sang the chorus, Buffy and Cordy joined her. The men were singing louder with every word.

_Well you came and you gave without takin'_

_But I sent you away, oh Mandy_

_Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'_

_And I need you today, oh Mandy_

The song ended and although the radio stayed on, there wasn't anymore singing. A few minutes later the kitchen door flew open and Max came running in. He headed for his bag and the women watched as he pulled out jeans and sweatshirt.

"We're going to play football and Angel needs something to play in," Max explained on his way back to the kitchen. 

"Football?" Buffy asked. "This I have got to see." 

Buffy followed by her daughter and Angel's wife headed for the kitchen. Angel was pulling the sweatshirt over his head and his discarded clothes were on the floor.

"Honey, don't you think you should have changed in the bathroom?"

"Had to show these wimps what a real man looks like,' Angel said, shrugging.

"Uh huh," Cordy responded. 

Angel was in faded jeans and a sweatshirt, both were a little snug on his bigger frame but he looked almost human dressed like that. Buffy saw a glimpse of the man he could be and hoped he would continue to change like Spike had. 

Raven wanted to play and it was her argument of her strength and agility that won her the right. Sean and Connor joined in and it became a free-for-all in the backyard. No one knew how to really play except for Max so it was more of a game of chase. Cordelia and Buffy sat on the steps and ignored the repeated requests for cheers. 

"I know my age unlike some husband of mine," Cordelia laughed. 

"That's not what you said last week when you were showing me those routines in the bedroom," Angel teased.

"Angel, watch out," Buffy called but she was too late. 

Spike and Max had taken advantage of his distraction and had tackled him. Everyone laughed as the vampire was buried beneath bodies as the kids seized the opportunity and jumped onto the pile. It was a perfect ending to a day as the family broke down barriers of roles and learned to play together. 

~~~~~~~~~

_December 25, 2007__ _11:23 PM____

Their bedroom was empty and a quick check revealed that Buffy wasn't upstairs. Spike headed downstairs to search for his wife but she wasn't in the kitchen. The study door was closed and he headed back into the living room. Max was stretched out on the couch but there was no sign of his wife.

"Have you seen Buffy?"

"A little while ago in the kitchen," Max explained, "she was complaining because there wasn't any milk left. I told her we'd get some in the morning."

"She's gone. I can't find her." Spike looked to see if her purse was on the hallway table. It was still there but her wallet was gone as well as her jacket. A quick glance to the alarm pad showed it hadn't been set. "Damn it. She's taken off."

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It didn't even occur to me that she'd go and get some. I didn't hear the van start up."

Opening the door revealed the minivan and the Desoto both still in the driveway. 

"Not your fault. I forget to set the alarm before going upstairs. I'm going to go and look for her. She probably headed to the little store on the corner. I'll call if I need help."

Max nodded as Spike headed for his motorcycle. He remembered thinking that they needed to pick up some more milk before bedtime but he had forgotten. Buffy had gotten into a habit of drinking a glass every night before retiring. The roads were thankfully clear as he ran the stop sign on the corner and slid through a yellow light before pulling into the parking lot of the convenience store. 

With relief he saw his wife standing at the pay phone and he pulled to a stop in front of her. In confusion he watched as she looked at him with frightened eyes. He walked toward her and she dropped the receiver and backed up. Her hands splayed on the wall when she ran out of room. 

"I'm sorry," Buffy whispered. "Please don't hurt me."

Spike stopped in his tracks. "I'm not going to hurt you. I was worried about you. Did you get the milk?"

Her eyes darted to the phone and he saw that there was a gallon sitting on the shelf. 

"You're not going to punish me?"

"No, Pet, I just want you to come home. Who were you calling?"

Buffy hesitated for a second while looking anywhere but at him. Finally her gaze stopped somewhere at his feet. "I was calling you. I was cold."

Spike took in his wife's appearance. She had to have been in the middle of changing for bed when she went downstairs because under her jacket she was wearing her sweater, pajama bottoms and fuzzy pink slippers that Sean had given her for a present.  

"It's a bit chilly out tonight, isn't it? You ready to come home?"

He took a step toward her and she tried to disappear into the wall. Her eyes were still wide in fright and her tongue darted out to moisten her lips.

"Is he going to hurt me?"

"He who?"

"Angel."

"Why would Angel hurt you?"

"I've been bad. I was told to stay at home and I went out. Please don't be angry with me."

Buffy looked for all the world like a little girl caught doing something reprehensible and who was waiting to be turned over someone's knee and it was tearing him apart. He missed the girl who was so strong and independent. Even at times he wished she'd punch him in the nose just to show him who's boss. But he also knew that this frail creature before him was also a part of who Buffy really was underneath of that tough girl. This frail creature was who she would have been if she didn't have the Slayer persona to cover the hurt given to her by the men before him and life in general. He shook his head.

"No, I won't let anyone hurt you. I promise."

He reached a hand out to her and she contemplated it for a moment before taking it.

"I'm sorry for disobeying. The baby needed milk."

Her free hand rubbed her stomach as he led her to the bike. Spike strapped the milk to the back before climbing on in front of Buffy. 

"Hold on, Love."

She wrapped her arms around him and scooted as close to him as possible. Her face was pressed against his back on the ride home. It was as they approached their street that he felt her tears soaking through his shirt. 

"I don't want to stop," Buffy whispered as they pulled into the driveway. "I want to go on forever."  
  


Spike kissed her quickly and told her to stay put. He took the milk into the house and told Max they'd be back. Climbing back on the bike, he could feel his wife's excitement as she held onto him again. Freedom was becoming something foreign to her as well as free choice and this was something that he could easily give her. The road was clear of traffic and time didn't matter as they rode along the coastal highway becoming one with the night. Their problems were lost behind them somewhere in the wind and the sound of Buffy's laughter was the sweetest thing that Spike had heard in a long time. 

to be continued…


	37. King Angel's Court

**Chapter 36 – King Angel's Court**

_December 27, 2007__ _2:12 PM____

He was thoroughly and completely bored.

If this was what being human was all about, Angel thought, he was at the point of rethinking it. Angel leaned further into the chair and swung his feet onto the ottoman. He smiled at Spike's frown. Revenge could be sweet. He knew that Spike and Max had spent the holiday trying to make him uncomfortable or embarrass him. Like getting him drunk and singing Mandy before talking him into playing football. So, taking over Spike's favorite chair for the day was a deliberate act of irritating his Childe and getting back some of his own. Now, if he wasn't ready to rip his own flesh off to relieve the boredom, he'd be fine. 

Max had returned to Atlanta the day after Christmas which had been a relief. The other man was slowly being accepted but he still had to prove himself to Angel as being trustworthy. So, today he was in the company of Xander who had taken the week off to be with his family. This was one human he didn't think he could ever be really comfortable with. Too much water under the bridge and although he was best friends with Spike and Buffy the past wasn't something he was ready to let go of yet. But he figured Xander felt the same about him so they tolerated each other for the sake of everyone else. 

Cordelia and Anya had taken Buffy out to lunch and to the salon for some much needed pampering. His Cordy could handle Buffy and didn't seem to care when the Slayer started speaking in something resembling tongues. After all the things that his wife had been through a little insanity was a piece of cake. Anya was the same way. Centuries of dealing with human oddities and she'd point blank tell someone off if they tried to treat Buffy differently. It was getting Buffy out the door that had been dramatic. She didn't want to leave Spike and since they had gotten her in the car was calling every chance she got to make sure he was still there. Angel had to admit Spike was handling it extremely well. He'd calmly talk to her, tell her he missed her and couldn't wait for her to come home and then repeat it the next time she called. 

That left the three of them sitting around the living room watching some movie with that Swedish guy while his two companions tried to out belch each other. Aidan and Elijah were playing in the dining room and Angel could hear their childish plans as they marked out who was going to play what role. Tuning out the other two he listened to the small boys. He loved the kids in the family even though being around them reminded him how much he had missed with Connor. But then that was maybe why he did love them so much.

"No, Queen Darla is mean. You can't play her nice," Elijah insisted. 

Angel glanced at Xander and Spike but apparently they hadn't heard. Without saying a word he made his way to the dining room trying to catch some more of the conversation. 

"Prince William is a fool but he's good, if you want to play someone nice," Elijah explained. 

"They all mean. They hurt de oders," Aiden complained.

"Only cuz they gotta eat. You eat cows don't ya?"

Angel shivered as he listened to the boys map out a game based on his and Spike's life. His first thought was who had told them about those days and for what reason. He slipped into the room and sat beside them. Between them were action figures and two Barbie dolls that Elijah had gotten for Christmas. Buffy had insisted that she was giving her son equal opportunities and even in war there were woman now. And, of course, the word Slayer had been slipped in her defense somewhere. It was only now as he looked at them that he realized that one doll was blonde and one brunette. For Darla and Drusilla?

"What are you playing?" Angel asked.

"King Angel's Court," Elijah answered.

"I don't like playing it. They mean," Aidan said. 

Elijah laughed, "You mean. King Angel is Great-grandpa." His small hand patted Angel's knee. 

"He's King Angel?" Aidan asked, his eyes growing bigger in fear. "You killed all dos people?" 

The boy didn't wait for an answer. He ran from the room as fast as he could. Angel watched him until he threw himself into his father's arms. 

"What's going on?" Spike asked, sitting on the floor and scooping up Elijah who had joined Aidan in crying.

"I'm in trouble. Mummy told me not to play with anyone else. Please, don't tell her."

"Shh, calm down and tell me what's going on," Spike said, holding tighter as his son burrowed against him.  

"Its okay, Eli," Angel said. "You're not going to be in trouble."

Frightened gray eyes looked out at Angel from his father's protective embrace. He smiled and ran his fingers through Eli's hair trying to calm him down. Until the child felt safe he wasn't going to get any answers. He glanced up at Spike who was looking as confused as he was. 

"Did Mummy tell you that I was your great-grandpa?"

"Because Daddy's mummy was made by you," Eli explained with a nod.

"Mummy teach you to play this game?" 

"We play all the time but she said it's our secret. I wasn't supposed to tell but I wanted to play and she wasn't here."

"I know," Spike said. "You're not in trouble for telling Daddy. Are there any more secrets that you and Mummy share? Things maybe I need to know."

"Then they won't be secrets."

"Yeah, but you know that Mummy doesn't feel well and maybe if I know these secrets then I can help her more."

Anything Elijah might have been persuaded into telling them was lost as the door opened and the women returned. The boy wrapped his arms tighter around his father when Buffy appeared at the door.

"What's going on?" Buffy asked.

~~~~~~~~~

_December 27, 2007__ _2:35 PM____

Spike glanced at his Sire and without a word a mutual decision was made to drop the subject. It could be brought up again later when things were calmer. Elijah despite his fears had other ideas.

"I'm sorry, Mummy," the boy cried. "I didn't mean to tell."

"Tell what?"

"The game. They know 'bout the game."

Buffy looked panicked for a moment but like a mask sliding over her features, her emotions were quickly hidden. She coolly stepped into the room and knelt by her son. 

"Its okay, Eli, it's just a silly game that's all."

Spike didn't believe her. She was trying to get them to forget about it and it amazed him that she was able to be so conniving over it. 

"Cordy," Spike said, "Why don't you and Anya take the boys outside to play for a little while?"

It took a little coaxing before Elijah would leave. He sidled past his mother with a look of trepidation in his eyes but once he was past her, he ran to his Uncle Xander.  No one said anything until they heard the back door close. Xander returned and stood on the other side of Buffy. She was glancing at the three men who surrounded her with contempt. 

"What is this gang up on Buffy day? Well, play by yourself; I'm going to take a nap."

Spike reached for her hand. All he wanted to do was to talk to her but she started walking backwards.

"It's okay, Pet, we're not going to gang up on you. I just want to find out about this game you're playing with Elijah, that's all."

"It's just a game," she defended, with a wave of her hand. "Fantasy situations, kings and queens, stuff like that."

"Eli said it was called King Angel's Court," Angel said, "and the names are from my family."

"So, they're just names," Buffy said, still inching backwards toward the stairs. "Leave me alone. What are you going to do beat some damn story out of me that will satisfy your morbid curiosity?"

"Buf, look," Xander said, "I know maybe to you it's just a game but it scared Aidan when he found out that the King Angel in the game was Deadboy over there. And I admit he's going to find out about vampires and stuff sooner than most kids but I wasn't quite ready for him to know that yet."

"No, of course not," Buffy hissed. "You should just wait until someone eats him up like the tender little snack he'd be."

By this time she had reached the bottom of the stairs and with one last look of scorn, Buffy turned and marched upstairs. Xander looked like he was going to be sick as he stared in disbelief as his friend disappeared. 

"Xander, I'm…" Spike started.

"No, don't apologize for her, I understand, she's ill and we did, whether we want to admit it or not, we did gang up on her." Xander said. "It's just that up till now I've managed to avoid that tongue of hers and I was kinda hoping I would."

"I need to go and see to her."

"Spike, man, don't worry about it. Go and do what you need to do," Xander replied. "I'm going to take my family and head on home. Give you all some room, okay?"

There wasn't anything else to say so Spike just nodded. Their friendship was deep enough that sometimes words weren't necessary and without saying anything else he went to find Buffy. She was sitting on the bed when he entered their room and gave him a cursory glance before looking away. Spike sighed, sitting beside her and rubbing his forehead as he tried to figure out how to talk to her without making things worse. 

"Have you come to tell me how disappointed in me you are?" Buffy asked. "If you have I'm not really interested in hearing it."

"Actually I came to make sure you were all right."

"Really? You lead this interrogation against me. Embarrass me in front of our friends. See how bad my wife is. Send your children away. She'll corrupt them."

The shimmer of tears in her eyes told Spike how hurt she really was. He ran his fingers over the lock of hair that hung in her face before tucking it behind her ear. There was such a fine line for him to walk, protecting her and watching out for everyone else

"I'm sorry if you felt that I was trying to embarrass you. I wasn't." Spike covered her hand with his. "I was just trying to find out about this game that you play with Elijah. It caught us by surprise and," he laughed, "Aidan was frightened when he found out that Angel was King Angel."

"Like I said before," Buffy said, snatching her hand away, "It's just a silly game. Elijah hasn't had a problem with it."

"Buffy," Spike said, cupping her face and tried to gentle his words. "I don't think it's a good idea for Eli to be playing games like that. It's a little much for a five-year-old to understand even one that has his history and his abilities."

"Fine, I'm wrong. If I'm so bad for our child, why don't you go ahead and lock me away?"

Buffy pulled away from him and rolled over onto her side. 

"Baby, I've told you before, I'm not going to put you away; no matter what happens."

Spike massaged her hip hoping that she would stop being defensive and talk to him but she pushed his hand away.

"Leave me alone."

There wasn't anything else he could do. Spike left her alone. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 27, 2007__ _7:56 PM____

Between them was a bottle of whiskey, two glasses and over a century of being family. And as much as they had hated each other, they loved each other just as much. Spike was just now coming to realize that but pride was funny when it came to such things. It could hurt you as much as help and he was at the point where his pride was going to have to take a backseat to the rest of his life. Those brown eyes studied him, those very eyes he had cursed when they were cruel or had cried out for when they were warm in passion. Friends, he had never called them that. There wasn't really any word that covered their relationship except family. Because family was always there, in good times and bad times, whether you were down on your luck or on top of the world, and mostly when you were somewhere in between.  And even when they were half a world apart, Angel was always with him. 

"The day is going to come when you are going to have to make some decisions," his sire said, his tone hesitant. 

"I know," Spike said and raised his glass, downing its contents, "but today isn't the day."

They both turned their heads at the soft cry emitted through the baby monitor on the desk. The other piece was sitting on the nightstand next to Buffy upstairs. Knowing he couldn't be with her, the monitor was the next closest thing. His wife was never to be left alone. Only when the soft cry turned to a sigh and the sounds of rustling covers signaled Buffy changing positions did Spike relax. Brown eyes met with blue and looked away; still uncomfortable with the changes in their relationship.

"It hurts, Angel, I'm so scared that I am going to lose her forever," Spike confessed. "She is the one that has held all of this together." His hand gestured toward the house, encompassing his life and their family in that small hopeless movement. "I don't know if I can."

"You never have thought you were as strong as you are." Angel said. "You'll do what needs to be done like you always have. Hell, I made Dru and I couldn't handle her like you could."

It was Angel's turn to take a drink as Spike watched. It was true. His sire didn't have the patience to deal with Drusilla in her moods. Angelus had only wanted to play with her and receive her adoration but didn't want to handle the madness that his Childe lived in. And if Spike was honest, Buffy's problems also started with Angel. Her first disappointments and hurts received at his hand that had left her fragile and unable to cope with the biggest hurts that were laid at her feet. And again, Spike was left with the emotional damage caused by Angel.

"How is she?"

Guilt filtered over the brunette's face at the question. For over a year now, by mutual decision and cowardice, Drusilla remained the prisoner of them both. Held in a chateau in France and guarded by well paid demons to keep her from the killing fields and to protect her from her ever increasing madness. 

"She's fine. She refuses to come to the phone and talk to me." Angel looked up. "You should try."

"No, we should let her go. Free her from this."

"Spike, she doesn't know what is going on. Merle says she lives in a world of her own creation now. There haven't been any more rational moments."

Neither one of them had gone to see her. It had been Wesley that had responded to the urgent plea from Drusilla for help. She had sent a message to Spike again and they had sent Wesley and Gunn to find her. They were the ones to set up her confinement because her only remaining family couldn't deal with it. The two had blinded themselves to their responsibilities and locked her away when they should have ended it there. 

"Send them back and have them take care of her." Spike said. 

"Isn't that a bit cruel? For strangers to…"

"Are you suggesting that we go and do it? Or have her shipped here? I could open my own asylum. The House of Refuge for Angel's Cast Offs."

"King Angel's Court, come and see the merry mad maidens."

Brutal truth made into jokes by two men lost in their own confusion and pain. Neither laughed and instead both wanted to cry. 

"Angel, it needs to be done."

"And if you can make one decision and follow it through then when the time comes again, it might be easier?"

"Don't think I could ever let Buffy go. No matter how bad she gets. She doesn't deserve this, Angel. She deserves death like a true warrior—or to live a long and healthy life with plenty of stories to tell her grandkids. Anything but this."

"Like she had before or what she hoped to have." Angel poured them both another shot. "To the women we have loved," Angel toasted.

"To the women we have shared," Spike completed.

The whiskey was downed and a smile was passed between them. 

"I'll start to make arrangements," Angel said.

Spike nodded. Drusilla would finally be freed from her madness and he would carry one less load of guilt and burden of responsibility. He didn't even realize he was sobbing until Angel pulled him into his arms. And for what seemed the first time he felt the father's love from his Sire.

~~~~~~~~~~

_December 29, 2007__ _5:42 PM____

The house was quiet. Buffy was reading while curled on the couch in Spike's study while he played on the computer. The woman that controlled his world had been a little more closed off since the day the game had been discovered. It hadn't been brought up again by either of them. However, Elijah had been consoled by both of them and Buffy had reassured him that he wasn't in trouble. Spike cast a glance at his wife as she shifted positions and once assured that she was all right, he turned his attention back to his monitor. His mind kept wandering as he tried to put together the puzzle in his mind. The vampire references were getting to be eerie and with the game added onto it, there was something screaming at him but he couldn't quite hear it. Angel was as clueless as he was. 

So, lost in his thoughts, Spike jumped when the phone shrilly broke the silence. 

"Hello," he answered. 

"Hey, it's me," Max said. "Listen, I don't have much time."

"Okay."

Spike gave a quick, reassuring smile to Buffy when she looked over to see who was on the phone.  She smiled back and not really interested anymore, she returned to her magazine. 

"Nikki came back from her vacation this morning. Someone broke into her apartment while she was gone."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"It has to do with you. A lot to do with you from the way it looks. Nothing was stolen but whoever it was vandalized the place. Her lingerie was shredded and left on the bed. One of her pictures had the eyes gouged out. And," Max hesitated. "Someone wrote on the wall in the bedroom, 'He's Mine' in blood. Human blood."

"Was it the stalker?" Spike asked. His voice was casual almost as if he was disinterested but everything inside of him was fearful of what he would hear next. Buffy looked at him intently. There was no mistaking the tension on her face or the stiffness of her body and Spike turned away from her and lowered his voice. "Was there a body? Or do they know where…the blood came from?"

"No, no body has been linked to it yet but they're running the blood against the DNA from all the murders in the past few weeks to find a link. Listen, I'm not allowed to work the case because of my association with you."

"What does that have to do with anything? You know the situation with the stalker more than anyone."

"That's the thing. Not only is she a suspect but so is Buffy."

"Buffy? That's ridiculous. There is no way she could be involved. You told them that it was impossible, didn't you? She's never alone much less able to fly to Jacksonville to do this."

"They have the copies of everything about the stalker case including Buffy's condition but it's not going to clear her. Actually because of her deteriorating mental condition they think it's more likely that she was behind it. They think she may have hired someone to do it for her."

"That's ludicrous," Spike exclaimed. 

"Is it?"

All it would take was one phone call. One moment of freedom and Buffy could do it. Spike studied his wife for a moment. She returned his gaze waiting for him to explain the call and his gut tightened. He didn't think she had done it but there was the opportunity and the motive. And the opportunity came with witnesses that he couldn't refute. The clerk that sold her the milk along with the surveillance camera and well, the motive was too simple to ignore. And that's all it would take for them to arrest his wife. Arrest her and put her away where he couldn't protect her anymore.

"They are going to a judge tonight to get the warrant to pull your bank accounts. I have to go."

The phone clicked in his ear. Max was gone. He had dropped this bombshell and disappeared. It took a moment for Spike to realize what had happened. Max was going against orders to fill him in. He was risking his career to give them time to make sure that Buffy was safe. He hung up the phone and clicked on his bank's website.  

"What's going on, Spike?"

"Give me just a second, Love, to check on something."

Buffy returned to her magazine while he went over their bank records. And after a quick search, he found the final damning evidence. Two checks with large amounts made out to cash from the household account. What the hell was he going to do? The answer was simple. He would do whatever he had to do to keep her with him. But first he had to find out what truth he could and then take it from there. He sat on the table in front of her, taking her hands in his and letting his thumbs caress her flesh.

"Buffy, you wrote two checks from the household account. One was for $2,500 and the other for $3,000. Do you remember what they were for?"

Her brows furrowed together. "The one for $2,500 was for your Christmas present. I don't know about the other one."

"Sweetheart, you wrote the check. Don't you remember?"

"It had to be for Christmas. Why is this important?"

_Because your life depends on it, _he thought with a sigh.  "I need you to try to remember what it was for. It's a pretty large amount and I haven't seen anything new around here that would cost that much."

Spike hated pushing her but he couldn't take care of her if he didn't know what he had to hide. And when her face crumpled in defeat, he wanted to hurt something, anything to take that look away. Buffy wrapped her arms around him, clutching at him in desperation as she hid her face against his neck. It was heartbreaking as he moved onto the couch, bringing her with him so that she was on his lap.

"I don't remember, Spike. If you say I wrote the check I believe you but I don't remember what I did with it." Buffy played with a button on his shirt and her voice dropped to a bare whisper. "I lied."

"What did you lie about?"

"I lied about the game. I know I play with Elijah and I remember bits and pieces of the game but I don't remember teaching him about the four of you. I keep losing larger and larger pieces of my days and it seems like I'm living in a fog or I just don't remember."

"It's okay," Spike reassured her. "We're not going to worry about things that we can't do anything about and only take care of what we can."

It wouldn't do any good to question her about what had happened. All he could do was make sure she had strong alibis.  With as much patience as he could, Spike spent the next few minutes calming her down before sending her to find the kids. As soon as the door closed behind her, he called Angel. His Sire picked the phone up on the second ring.

"Angel, hey, something has come up and I am going to need copies of those receipts," Spike said without preamble. 

"Uh, okay, sure."

Spike relayed the details of his conversation with Max. "Yeah, so, I'm going to need copies of those so when they ask any questions, I can show them what Buffy used the money for."

"No problem. I can fax them to you."

"That would be great," Spike answered and then in rusty Fyarl just in case someone was listening, "I need one for $2,500 and one for $3,000 and they need to be verifiable." 

Angel promised to have them to him by the next day and relief flooded Spike's system. It was going to be all right. He wasn't alone and Buffy was going to be safe. It was later that night when he was holding his wife tight that he felt it. The adrenaline rush of taking care of things was gone when it overwhelmed him. It rushed through his system like lightening, tearing at his gut and twisting his bowels, and breathing was something he had to remind himself to do as the guilt for what he had done slammed into him. This was his fault. He had been weak and because of it Buffy and his family were now vulnerable. Angry and ashamed, he buried his face in her hair and tried to deal with the feelings flooding through him. 

to be continued…


	38. Finding It

**Chapter 37 - Finding It**

_December 29, 2007__ _1:13 PM____

Spike folded his fingers together trying to regain control of himself. Two of Sunnydale's police detectives sat on his couch while Buffy was tucked behind him on the chair. He was worried, not quite sure if the bad day she was having would be a help or a hindrance to the interview the detectives were trying to conduct. She was mumbling about finding 'it' which was what they were looking for when the knock on the door had interrupted them. Spike had no clue what 'it' was and was doubtful even Buffy did. She had told him that it was imperative that they find 'it' so they had been spending the morning searching. The only thing he was hoping was that she wouldn't start talking about things that would raise the police's suspicion even higher.

"Mr. Blood is she always like this?" the detective (who's rotund appearance put Spike in mind of Tweedledee) asked. 

"Pretty much, this is getting to be the norm most days."

"Convenient," Tweedledum, Tweedledee's partner, muttered. "Mrs. Blood, do you know who Nicole Rochester is?"

"Nicole, Nicole, Nicole, NICOLE," Buffy chanted, while dancing her fingers along Spike's arm," Nicole, no, no Nicole," she giggled, "no know no Nicole, Nicole."

"Maybe you know her by Nikki?"

Buffy's mood instantly changed and Spike bit back a sigh. Any happiness she'd exhibited was gone and her body stiffened. Spike glanced over his shoulder at her and winced at the storm that raged in her eyes—eyes that screamed accusations at him.

"Nikki," Buffy whispered, her fingers drifting over Spike's cheek. "She wanted what was mine but mine didn't want her. Mine wants only me. Mine always comes back to me."

Ignoring the others, Spike covered her hand, and kissed her palm. The tempest passed from his wife's eyes and she relaxed. He smiled and was rewarded with a small smile in return.

"Did you want to hurt her for it?"

"She already lost," Buffy answered, her eyes never leaving Spike's. "She will never enjoy the feel of his flesh."

"As you know, we did pull your bank records and there were two withdrawals for large amounts. What were those for?"

Reaching for the folder on the coffee table, Spike withdrew the two receipts that Angel had faxed to him and handed them to the detective.

"They were for Christmas presents," Spike said. "Those are copies of the receipts."

"Nice presents," Tweedledee commented, reading the items that were 'purchased'. "Do all right for yourselves, don't you?"

Spike lifted one eyebrow and stared at the prat, refusing to be baited. The little twerp had been eyeing their home since he had walked in. Their comfortable living already branded them in his eyes as spoiled and willing to bend the law to suit themselves. Tweedledee would have been really surprised to find out that it wasn't the wealth that made Spike willing to bend the law but the very nature of the beast within him.

"Mr. Blood, the two of you have other children, isn't that right?" Tweedledee asked.

"What does that have to do with this?" Spike asked, his head snapping back to look at the detectives. He immediately remembered the conversation with Giles and could only hope the Watcher wasn't stupid enough to threaten his family. 

"If your wife is violent then it might not be safe to have the children around her."

"My children are fine because Buffy isn't violent," Spike answered, his voice dropping to an icy pitch. 

Tweedledum opened a file, glanced up at him before listing, "Expelled from Hemery High School for burning down the gym, she was a suspect in two murders while attending Sunnydale High, and her sister was removed from her care for neglect and child endangerment."

"And all of that was years ago," Spike said, fighting back the demon who wanted loose to protect what was his.

"Isn't there a scar on your chest from her?"

"That is something that is between my wife and I and it was only brought up because the stalker mentioned it. Our children are doing quite well in spite of everything."

Buffy plucked on his shirt sleeve and shifted to try to crawl over him. Spike put his arm up to try to keep her where she was. She whimpered as she stared at the two strangers. The smell of her fear teased at his nostrils and his features kept attempting to shift. 

"They want to take me away from my babies. Spike, please don't let them take me."

Spike pulled her onto his lap and ran a soothing hand up and down her back. He kissed her temple while he pulled her closer. Her fingers clutched at his shirt and she buried her face against his chest.

"No one is going to take you away." Spike said calmly with an edge of determination as he deliberately made eye contact with each of the men.

"Mr. Blood," Del said from the doorway. "I'm sorry to interrupt but I'm going to pick up the children now."

Relief ran through Spike as their friend stepped further into the room. He knew that Del has been listening in the kitchen and had chosen this moment to interrupt to them. Del had been steadfast in her loyalty to their family and Spike had come to count on her to handle things when he and Buffy couldn't.

"Who are you?" Tweedledee asked.

Del snorted lightly. "I'm the nanny and household manager."

"The nanny? The children have a nanny?"

"Yes, as I said I'm the nanny. I watch the children when Mr. and Mrs. Blood are unable to."  
  


"Do you live in?" Tweedledum asked, busily making notes on his pad. "And what is your name?"

"Across the street and the name is Delores Armstrong." Del said. "If you will excuse me now, the children are waiting at the park to be picked up." 

Spike wanted to cheer her as she gave one last haughty look before exiting. His temporary mirth was quickly snubbed out by Tweedledee clearing his throat.

"Mrs. Blood is under the supervision of a therapist, correct?"

"Yes, she is," Spike replied, giving them Sara's name and office contact information. His hand closed around Buffy's wrist as she once again attempted to leave his protection. "This is only agitating my wife and we have told you everything we know which isn't much, so I need to ask you to leave now."

The two detectives glanced at each and after apparently agreeing that they had gotten all the information they could for the moment, they stood. 

"We'll be in touch if we need anything else," Tweedledum said.

Spike nodded as he followed them to the door. Buffy was tucked under his arm and when he tried to close the door behind the pair, she stopped him. She held onto the door until their car pulled out into the street before closing it with a bang.

"You should have snapped their necks," Buffy said with a wave of her hand, "useless, useless, absolutely useless."

A snicker escaped from Spike as his wife muttered and wandered down the hallway toward the kitchen. She was beginning to waddle from the pregnancy and he watched with interest the new movements of her hips. He supposed it was time to start looking for 'it' again and shook his head to follow her.  Maybe he could distract her with some food and went to catch up to her before she got wrapped up in the search again.

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 10, 2008__ _9:56 PM____

There weren't many nights like this anymore. Quiet, almost serene. But something was wrong. Every Slayer instinct in Raven told her that blood had been spilled and the evil whispers of laughter played in the wind around her. Connor moved closer to her. The warrior in him was responding to hers and they could feel the air crackle around them as they prepared for battle. A glance over her shoulder reassured her that Dawn and Josh were close behind them. 

The campus had many dark corners and wooded paths that were an invitation for vampires and other beasties to hide out to catch their human prey. Sacrifice the young and leave the old town people safe. Turn their heads against the strangers who came to the hellmouth with dreams and hopes of a future only to leave in a wooden box. Anything to save the future of this town that should have been destroyed years ago. 

Raucous laughter sounded ahead of them and Raven allowed Connor to take the lead. He was her equal in every way and sometimes it worked better for their opponents to think she was a weak girl that wasn't a threat to them. They turned off the quad toward the dormitories following the flickering lights of the lamps that brought little illumination to the path. The scent of blood and death were stronger here and their footsteps quickened. But answering footsteps accompanied by the laughter warned them that they weren't alone. It didn't take long to find the source, four young men, high on the kill and puffed with self importance. They blocked the path of the Slayer and her friends with smirks darkening their faces. Connor went to step around them but a hand laid in the middle of his chest stopped him.

"Where do you think you are going?" A tall boy asked.

"Back to my dorm," Connor lied, his eyes flickering over the boys. "Why are you asking?"

"Haven't you heard? There is evil in the night," the boy said, leaning close to Raven and waggling his brows in an effort to frighten her. "All sorts of beasties that want to gobble up little girls."

A sick feeling settled in her stomach. The scent of ignorance and death clung to this human and she wanted to vomit from the foulness of his aura.

"Why aren't you inside then?" Raven questioned. She tried to appear timid hoping it would loosen his tongue.

"Because I fight the blackness," he answered his chest expanding as he put his shoulders back. "I am a Soldier of Light, ridding the earth of the threat to humanity."

"Hey, man, don't tell them that," one of his friends said. "Leave them here. If they are so idiotic to be wandering around out here they deserve what they get."

With relief the four moved off, leaving Raven still shaken. It was only Connor's hand on her shoulder that returned her to the mission once again and she was grateful that he was there. He had become her rock and with her parents so preoccupied with Buffy's illness, she depended on him to keep her focused. She watched in wonderment as he lifted his head and sniffed the air. With only minimal eye contact with her, Connor turned and led them behind them Henderson Hall. The yard behind the building disappeared down into some woods. They trekked through the brush to a small clearing where the source of the death scent lay broken on the ground. Dawn shone the flashlight on the victim's face and Raven gasped as she recognized, Dakmin, a young demon she had met through Clem. Visually he was human except for two small horns that sloped out of his temples and scales that ran along his spine. The two anomalies easily hidden by clothing were now exposed to anyone that happened upon his body. 

Dakmin often visited the library on campus to study books on ancient architecture. His dream was to one day study his passion and was a gentle soul that only wanted to build monuments that would live beyond him. There was no evil in the creature that the SOL's had destroyed but they would be allowed to live without punishment. They were human. Dakmin wasn't. 

Raven wrapped her hand in Dawn's as she watched Connor scoop the body up. She felt Josh's hand on her shoulder and together they followed Connor back to the demon side of town. Their small group brought attention and as they made their way to Dakmin's family home they found their numbers growing as other demons joined them. Evil and good, united by the death of one of their own grieved together. Angry whispers reached Raven's ear and she knew that she was unwelcome but she held her head high. There would be a time when it was only good against evil. And she would fight for that day with every fiber of her being.

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 10, 2008__ _11:31 PM____

For a moment Raven stood quietly and watched her father play the Sega game with total intensity. She knew that he was aware of her presence and when he was ready would turn to her. She took a sip of her orange juice and slid onto the couch, tucking her feet beneath her. The room was dark and was only lit by the images on the screen. The light flickered across her father's countenance in varying degrees, highlighting and emphasizing his chiseled features. His beauty was worthy of admiration and Raven felt the gratitude again that his heart was even more magnificent and was able to love this rag tag family as his own. She knew of his weaknesses and the pain he had brought her mother but she loved him in spite of it. In the end, he was here. His love evident in the gentleness that was shown to them and the fierceness of with which he protected them. It still amazed her that inside of him beat the heart of a demon that could be as cruel and as heartless as the humans that had taken Dakmin's life. She only prayed that it would never be let loose in her time.

"What's up, Princess?" 

She smiled as her father settled beside her. His arm draped over the back of the couch. The patience in his eyes turned her smile into the tears that had been threatening for what seemed forever. Raven felt the strength in his arm's as he gathered her close and allowed her to weep. Between her sobs she told him of her night and of the hurt that filled her heart. His gentle whispers and even gentler hands stroking her hair made her feel safe. As much as she loved Connor, in the end she was Daddy's girl and sometimes only he could make her feel protected. Eventually her tears slowed and she backed away. Her hands wiping at her face as Spike waited.

"I don't know what to do, Daddy," Raven explained, looking away. "I'm the Slayer but I am one of them. Not quite human. I think it's only you that clears my way down there. A vampire, even a domesticated one, for a father gives me a little leverage."

"Hey, not domesticated here," Spike joked. 

"Yes, you are," Raven said, smiling. "Not quite out there in the killing fields anymore."

"What do you want to do?" 

Raven shifted until her arms were wrapped around her legs. His hand rested on her back now and laying her cheek against her knees, she looked back at him. 

"I took this gig to change the world but I'm only one person. I get so scared sometimes.  I mean, Clem used to be this scaredy cat but now he's become this one man army. He doesn't care. He goes anywhere he wants to and is taking the harassment in stride. I'm afraid that he's going to get killed one night. Those SOLs aren't going to care. If they're not human then it's open season on them."

"You know why he does it. A part of him doesn't care if he lives or dies anymore.  It gives him that recklessness. But you," Spike said, tugging on a lock of hair, "are like your mother. You want to live. You want a future. The love that you want is still waiting for you."

"I want to come out to the world. Tell them everything about demons and Slayers. Force people to see the truth."

If she could she would slowly start shaking people one by one until they saw things her way. Impatience burned in her and she wanted to do a huge campaign to get them to see. The sound of her father's sigh snapped her out of her reverie and she turned to face him again.

"It won't work, little one. You can't force them. It will only drive them further away. All you can do is keep trying and keep believing. It won't be easy and it might not, well actually, probably won't happen in your lifetime but you can make a difference. Just keep trying. That's all you can do."

Raven knew he was right. It was the calm voice of someone who had lived a couple of lifetimes that she had needed. Someone who knew more about life then she would probably ever know that could give her guidance. She had found what she was seeking and it calmed the frantic pace of her soul. She leaned back against him, her eyes closing as he hugged her and for a little while longer she was ready to continue the fight.

to be continued…


	39. Discord and Harmony

**Chapter 38 – Discord and Harmony**

_January 14, 2008__ _3:42 PM____

Spike didn't need the monitor to hear Buffy's muffled cries. Dropping the mail back on the front table, he rushed up the stairs toward their room. She had been fine only a half hour ago; she'd been clear-minded and talking to the children in the kitchen about their day at school. The four of them had been laughing and discussing Buffy's birthday among the complaints of homework and teachers. It was then that he had decided to sit on the front porch and breathe some air; get a few ticks alone. He hadn't been gone twenty minutes and her state had fallen so fast.

The door was open just a crack thus allowing the sound of her tears to escape. Pushing it open, Spike stepped into the room and stared at the bundle huddled in the middle of the bed. Raven had her arms wrapped around her mother and she was crying along with her.

"I'm sorry, Mum, I thought you knew," Raven said, patting the form in her arms. She turned startled eyes to her father and a deep flush covered her face. "I thought she knew about Willow."

"It's okay, not your fault. Should have told her myself days ago," Spike explained, gesturing for his daughter to leave them alone. He closed the door behind Raven and crawled in behind his wife. "Buffy, talk to me. This last week hasn't been the greatest and we were waiting until…"

"Until you thought I could handle it," Buffy wailed, pulling away from him and sitting up. "It's not what you think. I can handle it. I'm happy, absolutely ecstatic that she's pregnant." Buffy managed to get out before collapsing in sobs again.

Spike couldn't quite figure out why she was crying if she was happy for her friend. Willow and Tara had stopped by a few nights before to share the happy news but Buffy had been lost in her own mind that night. There was no way she could have comprehended what the two witches were telling her so Spike had promised to let her know as soon as possible and he had every intention of keeping it. It was just every time Buffy became herself again, he wanted her to spend time with her own children, to spend time with him or just be able to have someone else with her for a short time. He should have told the others to keep quiet about it until he gave the all clear.

"If you're happy, what's with the tears, Love?" 

After a few sniffles, she looked toward the window where they could hear Elijah and Del playing.

"I…miss my friends. There was a time that I would've known right away. Been one of the first two to know. Been there to share with the planning and the trying. Maybe even been there when she took the test, like I was with Tara." Buffy whispered. "It hurts that life is passing me by and there is nothing I can do to stop it."

Spike wanted to argue but what could he say? She was right. And the day might come when she would miss it all because there weren't anymore good days.

"You've got today. Right now. Isn't every moment that you've got worth living instead of worrying about something that isn't even here yet?"

Startled green eyes met his and various emotions flashed through them. Anger, self-pity, hurt, and finally love. She sighed and dragged him into a hug.

"Okay, Mr. Optimistic, when did this happen?"

Spike kissed her and smiled up at her.

"Don't know, but it sounded good didn't it? Must be watching too many Dr. Phil reruns at night."

They laughed and she crawled to the edge of the bed to pick up the phone. With one hand wrapped in his and the other dialing, she settled against the headboard.

"Willow, hi, it's Buffy. I hear congratulations are in order." Buffy said.

Spike kissed the back of her hand before slipping away. The sound of his wife's laughter let him know that she was probably going to have a long overdue gabfest with her friend. Maybe having Willow pregnant would help Buffy deal with things. Give her something happy to focus on for awhile and give her some more fight. He pulled the door almost shut. It was time to go and find Raven to make sure their daughter wasn't feeling too bad about letting the news out. His hands juggled imaginary balls as he ran down the steps. He never dropped the balls in the game he played in his head.

~~~~~~~~~

_January 14, 2008__ _7:15 PM____

With the sense of impending disaster, Angel hung the phone up.  The brewing hurricane erupted before he could even turn around. 

"You are not going to Sunnydale," Cordelia stated, in a voice that was too quiet, signaling her rage at his decision.

"Yes, I am, please, don't make this difficult," Angel replied, turning to look at his wife.

"Me, make this difficult? It's you that's making everything difficult."

Angel watched as Cordelia leaned against the kitchen counter. He took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. He had promised his Childe that he would be there when Spike or Buffy needed him and it was a promise that he was going to keep. The relationship was still too tentative to back down now and if Spike felt that he wasn't going to be there then Angel didn't think Spike would ever trust him again.

"I need to do this, for me, for them. Maybe it's too much for you to understand or accept the role of family…"

"The role of family? Vampire family?" Cordelia exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "You, Mr. I Want To Be Human, why are you suddenly screaming how important your vampire family is especially Spike, who you tried to kill several times including when he first got with Buffy and who had no qualms about torturing you to gain possession of a ring, remember?"

"It goes beyond that. They need me," Angel said, cupping her face in his hands.

Cordelia pulled away from him, leaving Angel frustrated. He was torn between his family and responsibilities in Los Angeles and the family in Sunnydale. It wasn't just his own desire to help out but also a link to his son. Spike and his family had become important to Connor and maybe by being there and helping them, he could finally have the relationship he wanted with his son.

"Or is it that Buffy needs you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You've always had this shrine in your heart for her; something that I can't even knock down, even though I'm the one here with you all these years. Are you doing this so you can be the hero for her?"

"Back off, Cordy," Angel snarled. It was the furthest thing from his mind. He loved Buffy but he wasn't in love with her anymore. He turned to look at the window, staring at the lights and the cars passing on the street. "I love you. You have my heart, and my allegiance, no one else. If you believe that, then what've we been building together for all these years?"

He felt her hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at her. Her hazel eyes were filled with love for him and confusion over his decision. She was right. He was changing direction on her and it had to make anyone even someone as self-assured as his wife question his loyalty. 

"I don't understand, that's all," Cordelia said, quietly. "It's never seemed to bother you before. Spike has always been a thorn in your side and now he is the most important thing in your life. We're having these problems with the new vampire gang in town and first, you tried to send Wesley to France and now you're taking off again."

"Only for a couple of nights," Angel reassured her, pulling her against him in a tight hug. "I won't be gone long, I promise. And he's not the most important thing to me, you are and our life is but in the end he is my Grand-Childe and I owe him this. After everything I've done to them I want to make amends to them."

"So, no changing your mind?"

Shaking his head, Angel leaned his forehead against hers. He knew she still didn't understand and eventually it would come back because Cordelia wasn't the type to forget easily. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her to come with him but she was right about the vampires they were tracking. The LA crew needed as much help as they could get and it was best that she stay behind to contribute. He just hoped that Spike could make the trip as quickly as possible so he wouldn't leave Cordelia alone too long.

Knowing that he didn't have to leave until the next day, Angel backed up toward the bed bringing Cordelia with him. He had tonight to let her know how much he truly loved and needed her to make his world right. When she smiled at him and pushed him down onto the bed, he knew it was going to work out just fine and he surrendered to the love between them.

~~~~~~~~~

_January 14, 2008__ _7:20 PM____

Even with the assurance from his Sire that it wasn't a problem, Spike still felt uncomfortable asking him for help. To once again ask for help with watching Buffy made him feel that he couldn't handle his life.  But Spike had accepted that he couldn't do it all and as he had surrendered the house to Del, he knew that the only one that could handle Buffy besides himself would be Angel. Anyone else would either have to put their own family on hold or make him too uncomfortable to have in the house unsupervised. Like Connor. Buffy had told him about the Christmas kiss and it angered him that Raven was taking steps into that relationship when she was still so young. She should be having fun and being a kid instead of kissing and talking claims. But that seemed to be something else beyond his control and Buffy insisted on keeping the lines of communications open instead of forbidding the two from seeing each other.

Spike sighed and leaned back in his chair as he tried to tell himself that he had made the right decision. 

"Everything okay, Baby?" Buffy asked, from her position in his chair. She was ear marking catalogs with possible baby items that she wanted. She studied him for a moment while she waited for a reply.

"Yeah, it's fine," Spike said, moving to sit beside her. 

They scrunched in together with his arm around her shoulders and her legs across his legs. Everything was calm at the moment and she flipped through showing him the style of baby furniture that she wanted. He made a mental note to call Xander and set up the next construction day to work on the attic. It really needed to be done before the baby was born and that only left them a few months and the last thing he wanted to do was rush.

It was an unwelcome intrusion when the phone rang and he ignored it knowing that one of the kids would answer it. Sean did and bellowed from the living room for Spike to pick it up.

"Hello."

"Hey man, not answering the phone there?" Max asked with a chuckle.

"Knew it was you and was trying to avoid which, by the way, is impossible around here," Spike said, mouthing to Buffy who it was while absently playing with her ponytail.

"Not nice, not nice. How is it around there? Buffy okay?"

"We are all fine and Buffy says hello. She's busy spending more of my money," he grunted when she elbowed him and he quickly corrected, "Excuse me, spending OUR money."

"Good boy. Always remember who the boss is. I called with good news anyway."

His body flooded with relief ending the anxious state Spike didn't even realize he was in. It would be nice to have some more good news. Anything to start turning the tide they had been drowning in lately.

"What's up?"

"She's getting careless. The last few phone calls from SB have all been made along the same stretch of highway at different convenience stores or gas stations. We are going to be making the rounds tomorrow at the times that she usually calls to see if anyone recognizes the composite we have."

"Anything to get this tied up. Have they said anymore about Buffy being involved in the Nikki thing?"  Buffy looked up at him, trepidation plain on her face but Spike nuzzled her cheek, "Its okay, Love, just checking." She nodded and curled closer to him. Her trust in his ability to protect her evident in her manner and Spike hugged her tighter.

"Nope, no phone calls made from your house to the east coast except those to me. And nothing from the phone booth that would implicate her involvement in a set up so for now they are dropping it. Nothing more has happened with the girl. Nik moved back home temporarily and has security surrounding her. We are trying to find something to link it to the stalker too."

The two men talked for a few more minutes, discussing SB and Spike's trip. Max promised to show for Buffy's birthday in a week and told Spike to email him with suggestions for presents. It was only going to be a family dinner with nothing really special planned because they still weren't sure how she would be. After Spike hung up from talking to Max, he returned to catalog shopping with his wife. The small moment treasured before they had to stop to put Elijah to bed. It was something that he would see her writing happily about in her journal before she went to bed that night. Nothing it seemed was too small to be joyous about and every moment she had with them became all the more precious.

~~~~~~~~~

_January 15, 2008__ _1:30 AM____

It took her a moment to adjust to the darkness that surrounded her. She rose from the bed as soon as she could see and wandered around the room. Her fingers ran over the makeup and perfumes that dotted the vanity table lifting several to inhale the scents. A candle was lit on the dresser so she could look over the pictures on the dresser top. She drank in the photos of the children, especially Elijah, dotting the surface. Her eyes welled up as she picked up and studied the photos of Spike. The one of him at Christmas surrounded by the children, the one of him on the motorcycle dressed in jeans and duster and the professional one with him in a suit. There were the photos of them sitting on the hood of the Desoto, arms wrapped around each other, the one of them kissing as if they would die without the touch of the other and the one of them on their wedding day. So, many promises and so much hope for the future.

Finally she turned back to the bed and stared down at him. Spike was lying on his back, the sheet low on his belly and his arms askew across the pillow and her side of the bed. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, marveling in the sight, and leaned close to listen to the sound of him breathing. All those years of sleeping with a beautiful statue now gone and here lay a man. Breathing and warm beneath her touch. She crawled back into bed, scooting close to him, her fingers drifting along his chest and stomach until he swatted them away before gathering her close. He never woke his actions instinctive to keep her near, even in slumber. All it would take would be one touch, one kiss, and he would make love to her, tousled and sexily sleepy and she would feel his passion and need for her. Sighing, she decided to let him sleep. There would be time later for them to mate. He was trying so hard to hold it all together until it was time and he needed his rest. She laid her head on his chest and wrapped her fingers in his. Everything was safe and secure as long as she was here with him and with that knowledge in mind, she allowed herself to go back to sleep.

to be continued…


	40. Mirror Images

**Chapter 39 – Mirror Images**

_January 16, 2008__ _4:12 PM__

It was sickening to watch.  Sean rolled his eyes as Raven giggled and flirted with the guy behind the counter at the bookstore. They only had an hour left before their parents picked them up after Buffy's doctor's appointment and his sister was wasting time. He thumbed the flyers in his hand as he waited for her to finish and catch up to him.

"What is wrong with you, Seanie?" Raven asked, leading the way to the next store. "You've been positively a pain since we left the house. You should be enjoying your freedom."

"I wouldn't have been grounded if you hadn't ratted on me."

Ignoring her, he pushed the door leading to the pet store open. It took only a moment and the manager gave the approval to hang the flyer in the front window. Raven taped it up while he held the supplies.

"It wasn't my fault that you skipped school," Raven said, smoothing down the tape. "I was worried and maybe if you had shared, I wouldn't have told Dad."

"Yeah, right," Sean complained, holding his hand to help Raven crawl out of the display. "You just did it because I didn't take you with me."

His anger deepened when she laughed and he knew he was right. Raven hated being left out of anything and she had made sure he was punished for not including her in his self-proclaimed day off from school. The fact that he still hadn't told her where he had been was only grating on her nerves more but that was fine with him.

"Oh, come on," Raven said. "What was the big deal? You probably went to the mall and drooled over comic books or something."

"Wasn't drooling over comic books," Sean muttered. He looked up and noticed the music store across the street. "I'm going to hit the music store and I'll catch up with you down the street."

"Mum and Dad told us to stay together."

"And when have you been such the good girl," Sean teased and dropped a quick kiss on her cheek. "Go on and I'll be right back."

Without waiting for a reply, Sean took off across the street. He didn't even look back to enjoy the confusion Raven was most likely experiencing. His mind was focused on, Bryant, the clerk at the music store. Bryant was Sam's roommate at UC Sunnydale and the two had met when Sam brought him along to a strategy meeting. In his sophomore year and nineteen, Bryant was an art major and everything that Sean had been looking for. The young man from Santa Fe had been out since he was fourteen and didn't mind sharing experiences with the newcomer to the gay community. 

No one knew about them yet and Sean wasn't sure how Buffy and Spike would take to him dating someone in college. At first they had just been friends but it had quickly grown beyond them and they were teetering on letting everyone know they were a couple. It was both exhilarating and terrifying to the brownie and for the first time in his life, he wanted to be selfish and keep this a secret for as long as he could. 

The small bell over the door rang when he stepped into the store and he smiled at the first sight of his friend. Bryant was helping a customer and Sean took the moment to just watch. Shaggy light brown hair fell over one eye as a crooked smile from full lips made Sean weak in the knees. It was freeing to be with someone like Bryant who threw social conventions to the wind. He sported two tattoos, one on his lower back and one on his arm and there was a small stud through his bottom lip. Yet, somehow the art major was in many ways very conservative and believed in family and loyalty having come from a large passel of kids. 

As soon as the customer left the counter, Sean darted over.

"Hey," Sean said, "I come bearing the flyers you designed."

"Knew I was wanted for only one thing," Bryant said, smiling and reaching for a copy. "I haven't seen the finished product. You pick them up today?"

"Yeah, just before we came down here," Sean replied handing over the newest flyer. It had a picture of Dakmin and detailed his death. It also described the attack on Chad. The new flyers weren't just going up on campus. This new batch was being distributed all over Sunnydale and Raven and Sean had gotten the downtown detail. 

"We?"

"Me and Raven. I sent her down the street and told her I'd catch up in a minute."

"Oh," Bryant whispered. "I'll get this hung up for you."

Something was wrong and Sean tilted his head, in a perfect imitation of his father's tilt, and studied his friend. 

"I just wanted to see you without the world's nosiest female around," Sean said. "It's not like I don't want her to meet you."

"And that's why you said the other day that you wanted to wait to introduce me to your family."

Sean wanted this relationship to be theirs for awhile and Bryant wanted to shout it to the world. It was his first relationship, the first time he had kissed another man and he was afraid of losing it. And afraid that everyone would know that he wasn't worth having when Bryant finally figured out that he didn't want to be with a kid like him. That was why he had risked cutting class to spend time with Bryant. He sighed and studied the young man's hazel eyes.

"My mom's birthday dinner is Saturday," Sean said. It was a risk but he had already told Bryant about Buffy's mental illness in a weak moment of needing to talk to someone. There wasn't much the young man didn't know about the Blood's. "Why don't you come over? May as well meet the whole dysfunctional lot at one time."

The smile that lit up Bryant's face was worth taking the risk for and Sean wished they weren't in such a public place.

"That your sister?" 

Sean looked over his shoulder to see Raven watching them through the window and he laughed as he turned back.

"Yep, that's the nosy one. Told you I couldn't have a moment's privacy."

Bryant wrapped his hand in the front of Sean's shirt and pulled him closer.

"So, let's give her something to be nosy about," Bryant whispered before meeting his lips.

If he hadn't been so lost in the sensation of the kiss, Sean probably would have been able to hear Raven's audible gasp. As it was the mouth on his was the only thing in his world that was important at that moment and he let everything else fade away. '

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 16, 2008__ _8:10 PM____

"And they lived happily ever after," Buffy said, closing the book of Lankasha fairy tales.

"It didn't say that," Elijah crowed. 

"I know but it sounded good."

They both laughed and Buffy scooted over so she could pull the covers over her son.

"Mommy, I want to play the game," Elijah said, wrapping his hand in hers.

"I know but Daddy says no and we have to listen to him."

"He's mean."

Buffy sighed and smoothed back a lock of Elijah's hair. It was hard to explain to her son that the game was part of her illness and that she didn't really remember everything they had done when they played. There was a part of her that was scared that she had actually been teaching Eli about vampires even if those vampires were family. Xander and Spike were both right. It was too much for a young boy to handle but she missed the bonding it had created between them.

"He's not mean, Eli," Buffy said, running her fingers along his cheek. "He loves us very much and he wants to protect us. So, we need to listen to him if he says it's bad for us."

"But we just got to the part when they were in China and you said somethin' important was going to happen with Daddy."

As Elijah spoke those words, Buffy's could feel him. He was close by. The tingling along her spine and the tightening of her womb let her know and it angered her that he was standing in the hallway and listening to them instead of walking in. Did he forget that she could feel him? What was he doing throwing trust completely out by listening in on her conversations? 

"It did and when you're older, I'll tell you all about it," Buffy said, leaning down to kiss him. "Give Mummy a kiss good-night and I'll see you in the morning."

After getting her kiss, Buffy shut the light out and stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind her. She flashed an angry look at her husband and went to their room, knowing he would follow. As soon as the door was closed, she whirled on him.

"Why don't you just put a damn microphone on me so you know everything I say? Or maybe put cameras everywhere so you can sit there and watch me?"

"Buffy, I'm sorry," Spike said, reaching for her but she sidestepped him. "I didn't want to interrupt."

"Bullshit, you wanted to find out if I'd say something that you could use against me."

He stared speechless at her, pain and confusion marring his features. It hurt her more than she could bear and she strode to look out the window as she waited for his reply.

"I'm just trying to understand," Spike said, coming to stand behind her. His hands ran up and down her arms in a gesture of comfort. "There is something going on that I don't understand. Something that you and Elijah won't share with me."

She leaned back against him, letting his arms encircle her and his chin rest on her shoulder. This was where she belonged but she needed him to quit this inquisition. To let things lie for now. 

"Spike, I love you but there are things that I have to hold onto. For me."

The security was gone as Spike stepped away. It left her alone and vulnerable and her hand rested on the cool pane of the window. She traced an invisible pattern with her fingers as she listened to his breath that was coming in rapid spurts confirming the anger radiating around him.

"No, Buffy, there is nothing that you need to hold onto," Spike said. "Right now, you need to be completely open with me for your own sake. And to have Elijah keep secrets from me is downright dangerous."

As much as she hated doing it to him, it had to be this way. Buffy pushed her emotions aside and stared at her husband in cool detachment.

"You've been waiting for this for years, haven't you?" Buffy whispered, her hand cupping his face. "Wasn't that your fantasy? To have me completely under your control. To be able to watch me every moment. To know that I am dependent on you and if you wanted you could do anything you wanted with or to me."

The horror on his face broke her heart but she needed him to stop digging and analyzing the nightmares in her mind. They terrified her with their magnitude. And as the meanings became clearer and knowing she was powerless against what was happening made her want to protect him as much as possible. Pushing him away was the best thing she could do for him. One day he would see it was the only thing that she could have done.

"That's not true, Buffy," Spike said, choking over the lump in his throat. "The only thing I want to do is make sure you're safe and that Elijah is safe. If I don't know what I'm fighting than I can't."

"There is nothing to fight. Nothing you can do," Buffy said, a wry smile twisting her lips. "The expiration date is up on this package and all you can do is watch and wait."

"Why are you doing this, Buffy?" Spike said his voice a hoarse whisper as he pleaded with her. "I don't want to fight with you not when I'm leaving tomorrow."

It was time for the final twisting of the knife and she turned her head so she wouldn't see the pain she was going to bring.

"Why not? It will give you the excuse you need to have a dalliance while you're gone."

It worked. There were no words only the sound of the door closing behind him and Buffy covered her face in shame. She sat on the bed and tried to reassure herself that it was the only choice she had. The truth had to be protected and she slowly caressed her stomach. It would be all right once the baby came and it wouldn't be long now. Everything would be understood once he was in the world.

~~~~~~~~~

_January 16, 2008__ _11:25 PM____

The channels flew by as Spike held the button down on the remote. He didn't even see the flickering images. His mind was focused on the words she had spoken. Was it a test? Did she want to see if that was what had caused his lapse? That anger between them would make him want another woman? He searched himself trying to find the answer. Donna. Nikki. Nothing alike. Nothing similar that had attracted him. And neither was like the woman upstairs that he loved like no one else. Was it even love at this point? Two stars destined to collide and create a new system. All he knew was that he belonged to her and there was no one else that would ever replace her.

A hand covered his and took away the remote. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Angel asked, returning the channel to a movie he had been watching.

"No," Spike answered, glancing briefly at his Sire. "It's…she just…" He sighed. "Nothing."

Angel nodded and they both turned their attention to the screen. It was reassuring to know that there was someone to talk to if he needed it. If he could just find out what Buffy and Elijah was holding secret then he might be able to do something. But neither would talk. Buffy pushed him away but never like tonight and Elijah just shut down. He was afraid to push the boy. Tara said he was developing his empathic and telekinetic abilities rapidly and emotionally he was vulnerable under the burden of his powers. Eli wouldn't talk to anyone about it and if questioned, he only looked afraid and refused to talk.

It left Spike in a quandary. It was if the tighter he held on to them, the more they slipped away.

He glanced over his shoulder when he heard footsteps on the stairs. It was Buffy. Her face was serene but the smile flashed at him was almost predatory and he shivered under the feelings it invoked. Half expecting to see fangs flash under those lips dotted with a hint of pink lip gloss, he forced his gaze to move over the rest of her. She was clad in a long white negligee with an empress waist that left the silky material to glide freely over her stomach while her breasts were barely bound by a lace bodice. Her blonde hair swung freely around her shoulders and the scent of jasmine wafted on the air around her. His groin tightened as her tongue darted out to taste her lips. And a streak of possessiveness rushed through him as he watched her lean over to kiss his Sire on the cheek.

"Hello, Angel," Buffy said, reaching for Spike's hand. "Do you mind if I take my husband away?"

Even Angel was speechless and only shook his head in agreement.  The two men exchanged a knowing smile as Buffy led him upstairs. It seemed that maybe the night wasn't wasted after all as they made their way to their bedroom. She closed the door behind them and shut the lights off.

"Buffy…"

Her fingers pressed to his lips stopping his attempt to reconcile the Buffy of earlier with the amorous creature before him. He decided that these times were precious now and he wouldn't waste it by holding onto something that was already gone.

"No talking," Buffy whispered. "Just feel."

He surrendered to her as she undressed him and escorted him to their bed. Her negligee was left to pool on the floor as she joined him. The only light was the moon that shone through the window as she directed him onto his stomach. A mere whisper of a kiss was placed on his lower back before massage oil was spilled across his skin. He moaned in anticipation as she began to work it in. It had been so long since Buffy had tended to him like this and he didn't question her desire to please him. There wasn't a part of him that wasn't massaged or caressed, from his toes to neck. Fingers and kisses floated over his heated skin before she returned to his buttocks. Her tongue licked along his cleft before fingers stroked him.

Spike froze as she tickled at his opening. The only other time she touched him there was when she was pleasuring him orally and he wondered what she was up to. A finger slid into him, fondling and slowly thrusting. He groaned as a second finger joined the first.

"Do you miss this?"  

Her murmured question was almost a sigh as he pushed back toward her plunging digits. Buffy chuckled as she picked up the pace and she guided him onto his side. She was still straddled over him as she encased his hardened length in her tiny hand. He had to know why she was doing this. Why she was pushing him to enjoy something that he hadn't had in forever? Her hands were working in unison and he lost the power to think as he gazed into the passion filled pools of her emerald eyes. It was hypnotizing as the feelings took him to another time and place when it was Angelus fucking him. 

The bedroom window was open over the garden letting the sweet scent of jasmine into that cold hell. Drusilla, his love, was there encouraging her Daddy in his rape. She whispered in her madness, encouraging him to let go and drown in their erotic nightmare. He was lost in the memories, of his weakness as he had surrendered to the familiar satisfaction that came only with pain. And he cried out as Buffy coaxed him to an orgasm bringing him back from the torment of other times. Turning onto his back he closed his eyes trying to sort through the past and the reality of the present until he felt the wet warmth of a washcloth touching him. He opened his eyes to watch as Buffy wiped away the evidence of his gratification. 

That smile still danced on her face and he pulled her down to him. This time it was his game and his choice as he made love to her. Her eyes never left him as he moved over her, kissing and fondling her. He went out of his way to ensure that those small breathy sounds fell from her lips. The ones that washed over him and made him feel complete and whole in spite of it all. He positioned her on her side, molding himself to her back and slid so easily into that heated channel that was his heavenly escape.

Buffy dragged his hand to her stomach, drawing it over the mound that was their baby and whispered to him. "Our baby is the only thing that matters. He was created from our love, from this." She pushed back against him, pushing him further into her and as he thrust against her womb, her head fell back exposing her neck. "Drink from me. Make our union complete."

His fangs slid as easily into her neck as his cock had into her cunt. The intoxicating taste of her blood flowed down his throat at the same time as he filled her with his seed. The giving and taking of their life forces and Spike was lost to the power of the woman in his arms. Whatever happened, whatever was to come, he would stand by her, even if the eerie feel of evil hanging in the air around them was their future.

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 18, 2008__ 1:_12 AM____

The flight home had been hell. All he wanted was to be with Buffy. Spike couldn't fathom everything that had happened between them the night before.  They had made love over and over again and each time she had pushed him to a new height or…a lower depth. Sometime toward morning they had both been smeared with blood, his and hers, spilled in the frantic push for domination. Always the baby had been there with them protected and loved while she had whispered of the future. The family they would be and the love that would hold them together. More secrets and riddles that he had forgotten as soon as they were uttered as she played his flesh and brought him a bliss that he didn't know was possible because it was given with the deepest parts of her heart and soul. His memories of the night were hazy and dreamlike as if he had been drugged. All he remembered clearly was the carnal lust that she had wrought so easily and he needed to see her and touch her to feel real again.

Spike had rushed them through the meetings promising to finish whatever negotiations were necessary by telephone and express mail. The foundations were laid though and the movie would go through without him writing the script but he had been given final approval. And after explaining a little of what was going on to Barney they had agreed to wait a year to discuss a new contract instead of closing the door completely. 

The taxi pulled into his drive and Spike felt relief as he grabbed his bag and paid the driver. He smiled as he imagined the look on Buffy's face when she saw him. He wasn't due to be home until that afternoon but something was pulling him home. Curbing the urge to whistle he stepped into the house and stopped. 

The aroma slammed through his senses and his stomach lurched as he recognized the scent that hung heavy in the air.

Buffy's and Angel's arousal assaulted every fiber of his being and he could hear muffled voices from the back of the house. On leaden feet he followed the sounds to his study. The door was slightly ajar and there was no mistaking the noises that echoed from that room. 

"Buffy," Angel moaned.

A murderous rage blinded him and he pushed the door open with every intention of staking his Sire. Of all the nightmares that haunted him this was the worst. And it had come true in spite of all the pretty lies he had been told to the contrary.

Buffy was straddling Angel while his hands were wrapped around her upper arms. Spike blinked hoping it would go away but it didn't. His wife was leaning over her first lover. Her tongue sliding over his chest and when he gagged they turned to look at him.

"Thank God, you're home," Angel gasped. "Get her off of me."

His words didn't register with him as he watched Buffy giggle and lick his Sire's nipple before sitting up. If he hadn't been holding onto the door frame, Spike knew he would have collapsed as anger and pain seared his soul. He was thankful of the tears that blocked the sight of his deceiving wife but her next words shocked him even more than the act she had been about to commit.

"Look, Daddy, my little Spike is home," Buffy cooed, clapping her hands together. "Can he play with us?"

to be continued…


	41. Bright Star

**Chapter 40 – Bright Star**

_January 18, 2008__ _1:25 AM____

It took several seconds for her words to penetrate the thickness of the pain surrounding him. Spike gazed into his wife's face trembling with disbelief. Angel was staring at him, waiting for him to do something with Buffy, and as if in a trance Spike made his way to their side. He hunkered down and in wonder, ran his fingers across her cheek.

"Dru, is that you, ducks?"

Those hands, so warm, cupped his cheeks while those eyes brimming with love searched his face in return. Tears escaped from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks.

"You see me, my love, you really see me," The words came from Buffy's mouth but they weren't hers. They belonged to his dark princess and she leaned over and caressed his cheek with her own. "It's been so long and I've missed you."

Her lips covered his and Spike was lost in the sensation. It was the lips that he had been kissing for years, the ones that loved him, pleasured him, and fed from him, but yet somehow they weren't. They were soft as they moved over his and he fell forward to his knees. His hand clasped her behind her neck to deepen the kiss. Everything disappeared as he became lost in her. It was only when he felt Angel's hand on his back that reality bit through the haze and he pulled back. He shook his head as he tried to concentrate on the woman still straddling his Sire.

Spike watched as the love shifted from her eyes to disbelief and horror as Buffy became aware of where she was and what she was doing. She looked from one male to the other and Spike could see her recoil in fear. Trying to crawl off of Angel, her foot got caught in the sheet and Spike had to lift her off of the bed. Carefully, he set Buffy on her feet and tried to soothe the panic racing through her. With a whimper she wrapped the robe tightly around her and ran from the room. Ignoring his Sire, Spike followed her, but was unable to catch her when she slipped on the rug in the hallway and crashed into the table.

"Oh, God, don't touch me," Buffy cried, pushing his hands away and took off running again.

Spike shoved his emotions to the side and only focused on making sure Buffy was safe. He still didn't understand what had happened and cold fury simmered inside of him but whatever it was, Buffy didn't instigate it. She couldn't have from her reaction when she came back to herself. And in his heart, he realized that Buffy would never go back to Angel. Not willingly or knowingly, and relief slid through him as he acknowledged that fact. Somehow, he had healed and there was no blame for the small woman that was his wife.

Buffy ran into the bathroom and tried to slam the door in Spike's face but he put his hand up to stop it. She slid to the floor in front of the toilet and threw up, induced by the force of her sobs. His heart broke and he knelt behind her, brushing aside her attempts to pull away from him and gathered her hair out of her way.

"It's okay, baby," Spike whispered, rubbing her back. "Don't do this to yourself."

"How can you say that?" Buffy asked, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "What was I doing? Oh, God…"

The door opened and Raven leaned in startling them both. "Is everything okay? Can I do anything?"

Spike shook his head and gathered Buffy against him. His daughter stepped into the room, wetting a washcloth and handing it to him before she slipped away again. He held his wife tightly and rocked her as she wept into his shirt. His hands continued to run over her back while alternating with fierce hugs as he reassured her over and over that it was all right. Their entire lives had exploded with this latest development and he knew the time had come to make decisions. And every one of them was going to be hell to make. 

"Do you hate me?" Buffy asked, her voice revealing the fear and torment she was in.

"No, Love," Spike whispered, kissing the top of her head, "Could never hate you. Nor do I blame you for that down there. I know you love me."

It was true. And that certainty brought tears to his eyes. He sighed and pushed her away from him. His fingers wiped away the ravaging remains of her tears before letting his thumb brush across the lip that was still quivering from her emotions.

"You do?" Buffy asked, wonder coating the question and the light returned to her eyes. "I mean, I know you do but…"

"No doubts anymore."

After all this time of loving her, Spike was finally confident that the woman in his arms loved him and only him. Of course, this awareness couldn't have come at the worse time. The choices he had to make could permanently destroy what had just been fully accepted. His hands squeezed hers and helped her to stand. He kissed her cheek and waited while she brushed her teeth and washed her face. He stared at the rug that Buffy was standing on, tracing the patterns that swirled around her feet while she completed her toilette, anything to keep his mind from repeating the memory of Buffy and Angel. His scent intimately clung to her and the demon within wanted to erase it. He wanted to force her to obedience, to reclaim his territory and mark her as his. 

"Spike?" 

Torn from his reverie his eyes met hers in the mirror. He could see the uncertainty with a hint of fear simmering in hers. Her hands clutched a towel against her breast. He stood to take a step toward her and saw that he had switched unwittingly to his vampire guise. If she was truly his Childe, truly his mate, as the world he once dwelled in dictated then she would be punished for straying without his permission. Buffy knew it. Somehow she knew more than he had ever told her. Was it from the memories she had accumulated from him? Or was it from someone else? He didn't know and he went to shake his head to change back when Buffy rested her hand on his arm. Submissively she came to him, pulled her hair back and offered her neck to him. 

"Take it away, Spike," Buffy whispered, her hand resting on his side, sliding beneath his shirt to knead the flesh there. "Make me yours again.

He nuzzled the softness of her throat, licking and nipping, until her hand pushed him against her.

"Please," she pleaded. "We both need it."

Buffy gave a small cry followed by a contented sigh as he broke through the skin. Spike pushed her robe off her shoulders and let his hands caress her body. She was his. He erased his Sire's touch from her and felt the orgasm that rocked her as he did. Triumphant in winning back his mate, he slipped back to human guise, letting his lips skim across her face and kissed her. The last mouthful of her blood was shared with her and she licked his tongue clean.

"You need sleep," he said, helping her to put her robe back on.

She nodded and allowed him to tend to her. He put her back to bed, tucking her in as if she was a child and waited by her side until she slept. As he brushed the hair back from her face his thoughts turned to vengeance and the vampire downstairs.

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 18, 2008__ _2:21 AM____

The sweet smell of chocolate drifted on the air as Raven opened the microwave and pulled her mug out. She sniffed the contents and stirred it before glancing at the vampire she called uncle.

"So, what happened with Mum?" Raven asked.

Angel chuckled at the teenager trying to act so innocent and coy. The girl had the venomous bite of a rattle snake she just hid it well. He felt sorry for the vamps and demons that crossed her because he had a feeling she was deadlier than her Mum had ever tried to be. All that love and coddling and support that Spike and Buffy gave her had given her a confidence that would be legendary. Now, all she needed to do was work on her interrogation skills and he might hire her to work for him when she was older.

"Don't think so, little one," Angel replied, looking up at her over his own mug, except his held blood and not that sweet concoction Raven was slurping. "If your parents didn't tell you than I'm surely not."

"But something happened?"

"Isn't it past your bedtime?"

Raven cocked an eyebrow at Angel and gave him a once over. He laughed again as the newest Slayer tried to intimidate him. 

"That seems to be something for my parents to decide," Raven said. "And if I've heard correctly when Buffy wasn't much older than me, you didn't seem to much care if she was in bed on time unless..."

Angel had to give her credit. She had found the wound and had kicked it with enough force to make him double over. He turned away from her, put his mug in the sink, and told himself to calm down. This was Buffy's and Spike's child and he couldn't threaten her the way he would anyone else who was playing this game with him. A hand rested on his back and he turned surprised eyes to the girl who was now standing beside him.

"I'm sorry," Raven said. "I shouldn't have said that. It's just getting scary around here and no one is telling us anything that will make it go away."

"It's not going to just go away," Angel said, trying to be truthful. "And I think it's going to get scarier before it gets better."

Raven nodded and hugged him. She wrapped her arms around him and held on for dear life. Angel felt his reserve slip away and hugged her back. He could see why his son was so enamored of her. Raven was an amazing girl that once she worked out a few rough spots would become an unforgettable woman. As unforgettable and amazing as the woman she called Mum and he blinked back the tears that threatened to fall.

"Going to work your way through all the women in my life," Spike snarled, standing in the kitchen doorway. His game face was back and he flashed his fangs. "Raven is about the age you like 'em but if you don't get your hands off of her, I'll lose whatever reason I have left."

Angel stepped away from her.

"Go upstairs, Raven," Angel commanded.

"Daddy…"

"Raven, leave us," Spike said. "Now," he shouted when she hesitated.

The girl carefully skirted by her father before taking off at a run. The kitchen door swung shut behind her leaving the two vampires alone. Angel forced himself not to answer the challenge Spike was issuing. His growls resounded around them as Spike advanced on his Sire. Angel swore he wouldn't fight his Childe. No matter what the personal cost was. Spike had every reason to be angry with him and even more reasons to need to release the emotional pain he was in. Spike was wound tight from the pressure he was under and since the trip to Atlanta he hadn't made a peep of a complaint. Angel was forced back against the counter as Spike wrapped his shirt in his hands and pulled him closer to his Childe.

"What the hell happened?" Spike barked. "Why didn't you stop her?"  
  


"I woke up with her on top of me," Angel said. "It was just a few minutes before you got there. I was afraid of hurting her and she kept fighting me."

"So, what the hell were you going to do? Say, oops, she didn't listen to me and oh, well, she just fucked me but I tried to stop her."

"It wouldn't have gotten that far," Angel swore, looking away. It had seemed like a dream when he had woken to Buffy seducing him. A distant dream that was haunting him and he hated that a small part of him still wanted her. "I would have found a way to stop her."

"Would you have? You're weak, Angel and it had to seem like you had hit the fantasy jackpot to find her on top of you. You could've finally gotten what you wanted and it wouldn't even have been your fault."

Angel shoved Spike away from him. The truth hurt and he knew where Raven had gotten her bite from. He closed his eyes but it was too late. Spike saw it and the first punch wasn't a surprise. Angel stayed down as Spike stood over him.

"I won't share her," Spike growled. "She's mine. My mate and I won't have you destroy her anymore."

"She's not Dru," Angel fired back. "She's Buffy despite what she said. I talked to the guards two days ago and Dru is still a prisoner. She could have nothing to do with this. Think, boy."

Spike squatted beside him, wrapping his fingers in Angel's hair. 

"I do know its Buffy," Spike whispered. "She's my mate and now she has been fully claimed. You touch what is mine again and I won't hesitate to kill you."

"What have you done?" Angel asked horrified at his Childe's words. "Buffy is mentally ill and is imitating Dru. Clinging to vampire rituals is only going to make it worse."

Spike shoved Angel's face into the ceramic tile of the floor with enough force to crack his cheekbone and still he didn't fight back.

"Maybe vampire rituals are all I have to cling to," Spike said. "Maybe it's what she needs. Maybe it's the only way."

"Then you should have turned her when you had the chance but then you wouldn't have been satisfied with that either. Just never really fit in anywhere did you? Always clinging to something or someone else to define you," Angel mocked, trying to get through to Spike. "Your mother, Drusilla, the nickname, and you always think the grass is always greener on the other side. Even now you say you've chosen your mate but you sniff around other skirts.  You still haven't learned have you, Spikey, that you have to stand and fight where you are instead of looking for miracles elsewhere."

"I have stayed through everything," Spike cried. "Every damn wretched tortuous moment and every fucking pleasure, I've stayed and I've loved her and its still being taken away." He slammed his fist into Angel's chest. "And there's nothing I can do to stop it."

The fists from his Childe rained as hard as his tears and Angel accepted it. If Spike didn't get the pain out, he would be unable to continue the fight. As a father sacrifices for his child, Angel offered his body as a recipient for the rampaging emotions. And when the tears were stronger than the need for violence he offered his arms as a refuge. When the need for comfort was the dominating factor he offered his throat and petted his Childe as he drank from him. Spike was right. Sometimes being a vampire was all they had to hold onto in a life where they tried to be more human than demon. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 18, 2008__ _3:15 AM____

Spike extracted his fangs from his Angel's neck swallowing down the last bit of blood. He insanely thought that Buffy should have been there to taste the power of his Sire's blood. It swirled in him. His Sire's and a Slayer's force surging along his veins and his mind and emotions cleared leaving a cold starkness to the reality around him. He stood and held a hand out to help Angel to his feet. They took a moment to stare at each other in the knowledge that they had come full circle. While Spike retrieved the whiskey, Angel cleaned the blood from his face and changed clothes. They met back in the kitchen and sat across from each other at the table. With a flourish they took the first shot and it was time to talk. To discuss the things that needed to be decided.

"Does she remember?" Angel asked, twisting the glass in one hand while the other hand held an ice bag to his cheek.

"She knows what happened. I don't know how much of it is deduction from where she came to or from remembering what she did. I didn't really question her. She was too upset."

Angel nodded. "What now?" 

"I'll take her to Sara in the morning. See what she says about this whole Drusilla impersonation. It explains a lot though especially the familiarity that I've sensed when Buffy is…off."

"Does it feel like Dru?"

"I don't know," Spike said, taking another drink. "I could point at things and say yeah, but it's still Buffy. Still my girl no matter what she's done."

"Kind of like Dru covered Buffy," Angel quipped, pouring them another round.

"Or Buffy covered Dru," Spike said, glancing up with awareness dawning in his eyes. "Or Dru tempered by a soul."

Spike quickly shut down the slim light of hope for an easy explanation. The implications and whys of what was happening had been all examined and researched so many times and always with the same empty results. What would be the use of traveling that same futile path again? 

It was time to focus on the practical matters that needed to be handled. His wife's insanity had led her to impersonate someone that he'd once loved. Someone who was purely evil and not prone to reason either and the repercussions of such a masquerade could be deadly. 

"Are you considering finding…putting…" Angel floundered, waving his hand. "I mean have you changed your mind?"

"No, I haven't. I couldn't Angel," Spike said. "Even if I thought she was lost for good. If she ever woke up and found that I had locked her away, it would kill her. Destroy any hope that she had."

"What about your children? I know that so far they've been safe but…"

Angel was right. It had been there and it was one of those things he had to decide. But Spike knew he had made the decision already. Somewhere in the time since Thanksgiving he had known it would come to this. It had never really been a question of if but when. Spike drained his glass and met his Sire's gaze.

"I'm going to ask Giles and Kate to take in Sean and Raven and Xander and Anya to take Elijah until I figure out a more permanent solution." Spike said, with a laugh. "Maybe Raven was right. Maybe I will end up Mrs. Rochestering her. Fix a nice padded room for my wife up in the attic." He put a finger to his lips for a second then turned toward the door. "Okay, you two. Get your arses in here."

The door opened and Raven and Sean stepped into the room. His daughter crossed her arms defiantly and stared at him. Sean hovered behind her. Fear radiated off of the young man and Spike knew that he didn't want to lose the home he had just come to find.

"It's not permanent, Sean," Spike said. "I'm not going to send you all away for good. It's just Buffy has taken a turn and I'm afraid she'll get violent."

"She's never done anything to make us afraid," Sean said. "I'd rather stay here. So, would Raven and if something happens then we'll go."

"I'm not asking. I'm staying," Raven said.

It was hard not to admire the determination of his two oldest children. They were both going to fight for the home they had and it made Spike love them even more.

"And Elijah?" Spike said, coming to stand in front of them. "He's the one I'm most worried about. He's too little not to be influenced by the games they play."  
  


"With Xander and Anya? And only for a little while? And can we still see him?" Raven asked, stepping closer to her father.

"Yes, yes and yes," Spike answered. "I don't want to but it seems to be the best solution for now."

"Dad," Sean interrupted. "Mum's birthday party is tomorrow. Can he stay until then? Raven and I promise not to leave them alone until then. Please?"

"Actually, that would be good," Spike said. "Xander will be here anyway and we'll just send him home with them."

It wasn't what he really wanted but as he hugged his children to him, Spike knew it was the only thing he could really do. He kissed them both and sent them off to bed. After a few more attempts at conversation that went nowhere Angel left for home. They both felt that it would be better if he wasn't there when Buffy woke up and she had time to deal with what happened before she faced him again. 

Spike made his way upstairs and crawled in next to his wife. He wrapped his arms around her sleeping form and whispered his promises of love to her. As he drifted off to sleep, he felt his child move for the first time beneath his palm. It was just a small push as a tiny foot or hand tried to find more room in Buffy's womb and everything he was fighting for became even more real to him. He scooted down and whispered to her stomach of all the things he wanted to do with his baby. It was fitting that Buffy would wake, her fingers drifting through his hair and they met the morning together.

to be continued…


	42. Hope in Hell

**Chapter 41 – Hope in Hell**

_January 18, 2008__ _9:42 AM____

Spike leaned forward, resting his forearms along his thighs, and wished someone would say, 'it was all a mistake. Here is your wife all sane and happy'. But it didn't happen and he wasn't really holding out hope. Not anymore. He just wanted to get through each day. Hope for anything else was a luxury he couldn't afford. 

The door opened and he jumped. Sara smiled at him and gestured for him to step into her office. The curtains along the wall were open and he saw Buffy sitting curled in a chair on the verandah. Her gaze remained steadfast toward the ocean, watching the waves as they crashed on the shore. He knew the signs and it wasn't going to be good news and with a sigh, he sat on the couch.

"Thanks for fitting us in today," Spike said.

"You're welcome," Sara said, taking a seat on the chair across from him. "These abrupt changes need to be addressed as they come up. So, it was good that you did call."

"So, did she say something?" Spike asked, crossing his legs. "A clue or something that…"

"Will lead to a magic cure and make it all go away," Sara said, smiling gently at him.

"Yeah."

Apparently a part of him was still hoping and her therapist was probably amused by his wishful thinking.

"Not here. Not today," Sara said, leaning back in her chair. Her gaze drifted to Buffy before looking back at Spike. "You know that I work with the knowledge of magic and mystical forces. I have patients that are demons, witches and other things that go bump in the night. And I know that you've exhausted all the resources that you can to find such a cause of Buffy's condition and so far nothing." She sighed and toyed with her pen for a second. "And I'm not the one who is going to sit here and tell you to stop looking. In the life Buffy has led anything is possible and you should never give up hope." Her voice cracked and she blinked back a hint of nonprofessional tears. "But all I see is a young woman that carried too heavy of a burden for too long and is finally breaking under its weight. No Slayer has ever lived as long as she has and maybe their psychological makeup isn't made to withstand a long life."

Spike laughed even though there was no reason to. All he could remember was what Buffy had said to him the other night that practically echoed her therapist's words.

"You mean they have an expiration date?"

Sarah smiled. "Yeah, something like that. I'm going to be honest and give you a practical reasonable explanation of her slipping into either of an impersonation or alternate personality based on your former girlfriend."

"And that is?"

"To hold onto you. Buffy has never been able to count on the men in her life. They've all left her at some point. Abandoned her and made her feel unworthy and although you are still with her doesn't mean she's certain that you are going to stay." Sara leaned forward and met his eyes. "You have given her cause to be concerned. She is more vulnerable than she has ever been. Terrified that you will desert her and leave her to exist in a mental institution. You once loved Drusilla in spite of the madness, loved her for almost a hundred years. Somewhere in Buffy's subconscious she rationalized a way to hold you to her. If she became Drusilla and Buffy than you would have the best of them both and never leave her."

"It always comes back to me. I did this to her."

"No," Sara protested, coming to sit on the table in front of Spike. Her hand clasped his. "You can't think like that. You actions alone did not make her ill.  She is only adapting to your actions to try to survive and she knows that she can't without you."

Nodding, Spike looked to his wife. There was a sad vulnerability to her and it made him hurt beyond anything physical. If sacrificing his life would make her whole and healthy again, he would do it without a second thought. 

"Spike, there is something else," Sara said, breaking through his thoughts. She waited until he looked at her before continuing. "If you want me to, I can continue to see her but I'm not doing anything for her at this point. There is something that she is hiding and when she sees me now she plays a game and only tells me what I want to hear. It's not that I can't help her but she has to want me to help her."

Feeling her gaze on him, Spike turned to the window again. Buffy studied with an almost condescending air before a smile twisted those lips. A shiver ran through him as he felt another shackle close around him and he wondered if either of them would ever be free. 

~~~~~~~~~

_January 19, 2008__ _11:08 AM____

The cabinet door slammed shut just as the back door swung open. Spike looked up with a glass in each hand to see Dawn bounding into the kitchen. Behind her was Willow and after a quick smile he set the glasses on the shelf.

"Hey you two," Spike said, smiling as he reached for more glasses.

Dawn hopped up to sit on the counter next to him while Willow stood watching him.

"Hi, Spike," Dawn said, grinning as he had to reach around her to complete his chores. "Is my sister ready for an afternoon of shopping?"

"Don't know since she's upstairs and I'm putting the dishes away."

After setting the last of the glasses on the shelf, he pecked her on the cheek before pushing her out of the way to close those cabinets.

"Is she going to mind me being here?" Willow asked.

"Don't think so, Red. It'll be good for her to have someone else to talk babies too," Spike replied, grabbing the silverware out of the dishwasher and pulled the drawer out. "Maybe you all can do a little baby shopping while you're out."

"Is she doing okay today?" Dawn asked.

"So far so good but I haven't seen her for the last half hour or so. She's upstairs with Raven getting ready and talking girl stuff."

The drawer was closed and the dishwasher was closed and Spike leaned against the counter next to Dawn. She looped her arm around his shoulder, her wedding band sparkling next to his face. 

"How are you and Josh doing?"

"Good," Dawn answered. "He's pretty much living with me again. Well, actually he is living with me again. It's just that neither of us has made this big announcement of hey, we're back together."

"Things going good then?"

"Yeah, we're good."

Spike turned and smiled at her. He was glad that the tensions were gone between them. He needed all the friends and support he could get right now. She hugged him and he leaned back against her, relaxing and enjoying the comfort for a moment before stepping away. They turned as Buffy stepped into the kitchen, smiling at finding her sister and friend waiting for her. She looked happy and beautiful, dressed in a pair of brown corduroy pants and a green velour top. Her birthday party was planned for that night and she was excited at being with everyone again. The shopping trip they had planned was for her to find a new outfit to wear.

"Hey, people," Buffy said, hugging Willow. "We ready to go shopping?"

"I've missed you," Willow said, hugging her back. Her hand caressed Buffy's stomach when they broke apart. "You're not mad that I'm crashing the little shopping trip are you?"

"God no," Buffy exclaimed. "I'm glad you're here. You will be a voice of reason to counter balance the shopping catastrophe of the truly clueless set. If I black out, I will no longer have to fear what those two would dress me in for my party."

"Oh, come on, Mum," Raven said, strolling into the kitchen. "We would dress you so cool. A deep purple leather mini skirt and a red halter…"

"With white go-go boots," Dawn finished.

"And I'd bite the both of ya for it," Spike threatened.

They all laughed and it warmed Spike's heart to see Buffy having fun. It would do her good to get out of the house and just be normal for an afternoon. He crossed his fingers that nothing would happen to change the mood of the day. She deserved to be able to relax and hell, so did he.

He shook his head and returned his attention to the women surrounding him. 

"Good, maternity shopping," Willow was saying. "May as well start seeing what I'll be wearing soon. Buffy you look so cute so you can tell me where to go."

"No problemo," Buffy said. "I still can't believe you're pregnant. No, I mean, I can and do believe, it's just…" She laughed and shrugged her shoulders. "Does this baby have the same father as Jacob?"

"Yep, still the mystery man," Willow said.

"Xander," Spike said.

"Giles," Buffy said.

Raven and Dawn just snickered and Willow laughed at their guesses.

"Xander, no, because Anya would charge us an exorbitant rate for the use of his Daddy makers," Willow said, turning to Buffy with a grimace. "And, Giles, eew, incestuous much, so no on both counts."

"Not to be pushy," Dawn said, hopping off the counter, "but the mall is calling my name. I have credit card and am ready to spend."

Spike watched as the woman gathered their purses and prepared to leave. Buffy wrapped her arms him and he kissed her forehead.

"Does Raven have the credit card?" Buffy asked, nuzzling his neck.

"Oi, that might help, right?" Spike answered, reaching for his wallet. He rummaged in it until he found the one he wanted and handed it to Raven.

"Hey," Willow said. "Why isn't Buffy getting the card?"

Spike tensed up as embarrassment crossed Buffy's face. Since the incident with the checks, he had kept the checkbooks and the majority of the credit cards away from her. She had a couple with small limits on them in case she wanted to buy something online. And since she wasn't ever alone it hadn't become an issue until now. To them it wasn't a big deal and just another change they had made but not everyone was privy to it.

"Its okay, Will," Buffy said, turning toward the door. "I'm fine with it."

"No, it's not okay." Willow said. "It's a bit extreme, don't you think, that you can't buy something without asking your teenage daughter if you can. Are you allowed to do anything anymore without asking Spike's permission?"

"Willow, really it's all right," Buffy said, standing a little straighter even though her face was still flushed. "Spike has a reason for doing it. He's only protecting us."

"How? By humiliating you?" Willow asked, glaring at Spike.

"Come on," Dawn said. "She's going to be with us all afternoon. It's not like she is going to go spend the national debt in two hours at the mall."

They didn't know and they didn't understand. Buffy was embarrassed because she was feeling incompetent and Spike was furious because they were making him look like a bully. He would do anything for his wife including making hard choices in an effort to protect her. Spike glanced at Buffy and saw that she was slowly fading under their attention and his anger rose because things had been going good for her so far today. He snatched the card back from Raven and headed for his study. He unlocked the desk drawer and searched for another credit card which was given to Buffy.

"It's got a few thousand on it. Is that enough?" Spike asked, sarcastically.

Buffy nodded and slipped it into her purse. 

"Please don't be angry," she whispered. "I wasn't upset by it."

Spike held her for a moment, rocking them as she clung to him.

"I'm not angry, Love," he said, telling himself to calm down so she would too.  "I should have just given you a card. Wasn't really thinking and you asked if Rave had the card and I just gave it to her. I'm sorry."

"Come on," Raven said, taking her mother's hand. "Let's go shopping."

"You promise that you're not angry," Buffy said, standing her ground. "I'll stay home if you want me too." She looked around at everyone before nodding her head. "That's what I'll do. Stay home. It's best."

Sara's words echoed in Spike's mind. That she was terrified of him leaving her alone and her fear of him being angry had to stem from that. If he was angry then he might not want to be around her. He sighed and cupped her face between his hands.

"Go, pet, I'm not angry," Spike said. "You've been looking forward to getting out and doing some shopping. I promise I'll be here waiting for you when you return. I love you. For now and always. Okay?"

"You promise you'll be here when I get back," Buffy said.

"I promise. Call me as much as you want."

It took a couple of more minutes before the girls were able to get Buffy out the door. Spike followed them out and watched as they got into the car. Buffy turned in her seat and watched him for as long as she could. When the car rounded the corner and was gone he breathed a sigh of relief. There was no way that he could have told Buffy that he needed her out of the house for a few hours. Spike walked slowly into the house hoping that Xander would hurry from picking Max up at the airport so they could make the renovations to the bedroom that he wanted to do.  And as he thought about those changes he felt like the very epitome of evil that he once was. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 19, 2008__ _5:45 PM____

A long, slow wolf whistle broke through her reverie and Buffy turned to look at her son as he walked through the bedroom door. 

"Whoa, Mum," Sean said, circling her. "You look absolutely gorgeous."

"Thank you," Buffy said, giggling as she made a small curtsy. Anything else was impossible without her toppling over. "I take it you like it?"

"Yes, very nice."

Buffy waited as Sean fingered the material of her strapless dress that hung to right above her knees. The dress was silk chiffon in a red paisley multi print that molded itself to her blossoming figure. He fingered the ringlet curls adorning her head that were held back by a black band before finally taking in her birthday present from Spike. It was another piece of jewelry from Tiffanys; a Pave Ball pendent with round brilliant diamonds set in a platinum chain. 

"Dad is taking care of you in the jewelry department," Sean commented, stepping back to admire the full view.

"Yes, he knows I appreciate it," Buffy spat, "unlike some people."

"Did he do the hair too?" Sean asked, deliberately ignoring Buffy's tone.

They both laughed because Spike had ended up styling everyone's hair for the party including Sean's. Raven had gotten a simple black velvet shift dress and her father had done her long red hair in a french twist giving her a very elegant look for the night. On the shopping trip they had even bought new clothes for the guys. Sean was wearing an ice blue satin shirt with black slacks. His hair had a long braid down the back of it. It was Spike that was the odd man out being the only one with short hair in the family and Buffy had tousled it into the bed hair muss style that she preferred. He was now dressed in a black silk shirt with mandarin collar and black slacks also. Buffy had insisted that everyone dress because they rarely had the opportunity to anymore. And everyone had acquiesced to her wishes since it was her birthday party.

"Of course," Buffy answered, smiling at her son. "Everybody looks really nice. So, did you just want to see how I looked or was there something else?"

Sean sat on the bed and Buffy joined him taking his hands in hers. He looked nervous and she wanted him to know that she was there for him as much as she could be.

"I invited someone to the party," Sean said, looking down at their joined hands.

"That's all right," Buffy said, before realizing that whoever it was more important than a casual friend to her son by his nervousness. "Is it someone that you're dating?"

"Yeah," Sean mumbled. "I didn't say anything before because of everything that's been going on."

"Is he someone that you go to school with?"

"No, he's Sam roommate at college," Sean said, looking up at her. "He's nineteen, Mum."

"And you didn't see fit to tell us about him?"

"It's not that. I just didn't think that…"

"That we'd let you date someone in college. You were right about that."

Pulling his hands away from her, Sean stood and looked down at her. "Mum, I really care about him. His name is Bryant and he's been out since he was fourteen and he's everything I've been wanting."

"Wanting?" Buffy asked. "Are you and he sexually active?"

"Not yet," Sean said, turning away, "Mum, he's a great guy if you'd just give him a chance. He's the one that wanted to let everyone know about us. He's protecting me."

 Buffy stood and put her hands on Sean's shoulders. The love her son held for his young man shone in deep brown eyes but he was wrong for not telling them about the relationship.

"What if this Bryant hadn't insisted on telling us about the relationship you were in, you'd have kept it quiet?" Buffy asked, shaking Sean just enough to let him know she was angry with him. "Some day down the road you'd tell us about it. What did you think we'd congratulate you on being with him? Did you think that just because you're a boy we don't care who you're dating or sleeping with? Or that upon hearing that you got laid that Spike would slap you on the back and tell you that you're a man now and hand you a cigar and a beer? Because if you think keeping it a secret was smart then you had better run when your father finds out."

"Too late," Raven announced, leaning in the door. "Your friend is downstairs and Dad is giving him the third degree and Max is backing him up like some damn mafia hit man."

"Oh crap," Sean mumbled, taking off toward the stairs leaving his sister and Mum to follow him down.

~~~~~~~~~

_January 19, 2008__ _6:15 PM____

The young man standing in his foyer was growing more nervous by the moment which was exactly what Spike intended. He stood with his arms crossed staring the invader down with Max standing right behind him. The boy who had introduced himself as Bryant shuffled his feet and waited.

"So, who are you and why are you here again?" Spike asked for the second time hoping that 'Bryant' would just leave. They didn't need anyone else to add to the mix.

"Dad, he's a friend of mine," Sean said, leaping off the fourth step to land next to his young man. "I invited him to Mum's party so he could meet everyone."

"A friend?" Spike asked. "A friend or more?"

"More," Sean mumbled, with a classic 'I'm in trouble' look on his face. "That's why I wanted him here so you could meet him."

"How old is he?" Spike asked, totally ignoring Bryant and dealing directly with his son.

"He's nineteen."

"Spike," Buffy said, from the bottom step. "It's my birthday and I don't want everyone miserable. Can we talk about all this tomorrow? Please."

Tomorrow there wouldn't be time to talk about this. And Spike didn't want something else to deal with than he had to so he made a decision.

"Raven, Sean," Spike said. "I thought I could trust the both of you. I don't have time to play babysitter to the two of you. You know what's going on and both of you go off and try to have relationships with people who we wouldn't approve of. I've had it so until the baby is born, you are both grounded. You go to school, go to your activities and come home. And you young lady," Spike pointed to Raven, "I'm hiring a bodyguard to go patrolling with you. That's it. End of discussion." He turned to Bryant and cast a scathing glance over him. "You may as well stay since you're here but don't do anything foolish."

Bryant nodded and smiled at Sean. Spike rolled his eyes and let Buffy drag him into the decorated living room. There were brightly colored streamers and balloons hanging from every corner and piece of furniture. There were also vases of red roses on every surface. Buffy / Dru had wanted the flowers and the scent hung heavy in the air. Crossing his arms, he watched his wife load the stereo with CD's she had brought down from upstairs. And as the first notes of Dru's favorite song, Rasputina's Transylvanian Concubines, floated on the air, Spike knew it was going to be one hell of a party.

_To be continued in Chapter 42 - Family_


	43. Family

**Chapter 42 – Family **

_January 19, 2008__ _7:41 PM__

It was difficult but Spike managed to ignore the possessiveness, intense jealousy and blinding anger that wanted to take hold of him. Instead he focused on being the loving, understanding husband. The emotions still swirled through his belly and he was only able to maintain the façade because he knew Max feared for his life. And as long as fear echoed in Max's blue eyes and the scent still wafted from him, Spike would keep his distance and only watch. Watch as Buffy danced with their friend, leaning back against him, her arm curved up so her hand could play with the black curls along his nape and her bottom swished seductively against Max's crotch. She had danced with every male in the room and Willow but this was the first time she had danced so provocatively, so openly defiant of his role in her life. 

His eyes flickered over her body. Her shoes had been discarded awhile ago because they had been causing her ankles to swell. Her legs were bare beneath her dress that flared out when she moved giving flashes of thighs meant to hold a man between them. The strapless dress left her shoulders bare and hung on by some miracle to breasts swollen in preparation for the child she carried. How could one woman exude so much sex while six months pregnant? Spike licked his lips as her hand drifted along her thigh exposing ample skin to him. He followed that hand as it stroked her belly, lingered for a moment on her breast before the tip of her index finger slipped between her lips. Their eyes met and he saw her scheme. She was enticing him to the edge of control with her game of allurement. She wanted the control. She wanted him to lose it so she could bend him to her will. And he knew he was dealing with the Drusilla side of her and he returned her smile. She pouted. She had been found out and she walked away from Max as if he was an insignificant toy that she no longer wanted. 

Buffy stopped for a moment to slip her feet into the slippers that Sean had brought down for her before continuing her approach to him. Spike crossed his arms and waited. Her seductive stroll was more of a lumbering gait but she still had the pout and the smoky gaze. Her hands lingered on his hips as she looked up at him. He bent down and kissed the tip of her nose. He glanced around to make sure no one else could hear. 

"If you want to play dominatrix," Spike whispered in her ear, "I'll let you."

Buffy giggled but her words were cut off as the front door opened. Cordelia entered the room, dressed to kill in a black satin dress. It clung to every curve with a slit along her thigh. Her dark hair was piled on top of her head in a careless bun but it showed the diamond earrings and necklace that she wore off to perfection. Angel walked in behind her. Nervously he glanced around the room and slipped an arm around his wife.

Giving a delighted squeal, Buffy approached them as fast as she could waddle.

"I knew you wouldn't disappoint me," Buffy cooed, her hands wrapping around Angel's arm. "You came to my party."

"Look, Buffy," Cordelia said, pulling Angel back to her. "Or Drusilla or whoever the hell you are tonight, Angel is my husband. We only came here because you cried and begged but keep your mitts to yourself. Understand?"

Everyone in the room had turned to listen to the exchange. As usual, Buffy's attempted seduction had been told to everyone where it was speculated on and sides had been chosen. The air was tense as they waited for Buffy to reply but she didn't say a word. She hissed and growled instead. Cordelia's eyes opened wide and she stepped back but never let go of Angel.

Spike laughed and couldn't stop. It was pure Dru and coming out of Buffy it was completely hilarious. He stumbled through the kitchen door and ended up on the floor. The laughter continued as it released all the other emotions in him. If he wasn't laughing he'd be crying so he laughed. Xander and Max stepped into the room eyeing him suspiciously.

"You okay, buddy?" Xander asked.

"I'm fine," Spike laughed, wiping tears from his face. "My wife has turned into a cat now."

"Did you take something or drink too much?" Max asked, squatting next to him and shaking his head.

"Bloody hell, mate," Spike chortled. "Buffy…it's funny. Laugh with me."

The three man turned as Buffy walked in.

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked, standing over him. "What's so funny?"

It was Buffy again and that started Spike off on a new laughing fit. She attempted to squat next to him and her slipper skidded on the tile. Landing on her bottom, her hands behind her to keep her from toppling over completely while her legs flew out in front of her, Buffy looked more surprised than the men around her.

"You okay?" Max asked and reached a hand out to make sure she was steady.

"I'm fine," Buffy said, shaking her head.

"Careful, Luv," Spike said. "You don't want to be showing your knickers to our guests."

Her hand slid along her thigh and she said, "Knickers? Oops, think I lost them somewhere."

Xander and Max both looked away as she pulled her skirt along her thigh. Spike caught the hem with his foot before she exposed too much.

"Well, then don't want to be flashing your fancy, now do you?"

Buffy smiled and snapped the band of her panties.

"Found them," She quipped, reaching hands to Xander so he could haul her off the floor. "It's time for cake and presents before Elijah has to go to bed. So, come on."

They all hesitated as she sashayed to the door, glanced at each other and followed her. There wasn't much else to do except follow the birthday girl's lead even if she was intent on giving them all engraved invitations to join her on her trip through the land of insanity.

                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~

_January 19, 2008__ _8:27 PM____

This was much better. Buffy was curled on his lap with an afghan covering her legs and a sweater covering her shoulders. She said she was cold now and he rubbed her back to try and give her a little more warmth. Her presents were stacked on one side of the chair and on the other were the discarded wrappings. Buffy was herself as she unwrapped her goodies. She behaved as she oohed and awed over each one and everyone relaxed under the normalcy of it. Elijah was her little delivery man as he kept bringing her presents from the table. He handed her a brightly wrapped one without a card and Buffy turned it over in her hands before looking up at her friends.

"Who is this from?"

"I think it came with those other packages from LA," Sean said. "It didn't have a return address on it."

"Buffy," Max said, "Maybe you should let me open it."

But she was already peeling the pink wrapping paper from it. Her hands ran over the box for a second before opening it. It seemed that everyone had leaned forward to see what it was as she peeled back the tissue paper. When it flipped back and he couldn't see, Spike pulled it away from the gift and scowled when he saw what it was. Buffy picked the picture up, inspecting it before handing it to him. He didn't want to see it as anger flooded him. It was a framed photo of him from Miami. He was in a chair by the pool with sunglasses on. His chest was bare and the scar was clearly visible. Buffy handed him the card that was with it. 

_Happy Birthday. Enjoy him while you can. The scar won't hold him not when our love is more real than any pathetic infatuation you can offer him. As soon as that brat is born all you will have is this picture to remind the child who fathered it._

"I'm sorry, Baby," Spike said, taking the picture and note and handing them to Max. "Don't let it ruin your party."

Her eyes were closed and he pulled her to him. For a moment she relaxed against him before sitting up again.

"Bring Mummy another present," Buffy told Elijah. She cast a forced smile out to her family and friends. "It's all right. I won't let her win."

Everyone sighed and leaned back into their seats. Spike couldn't be prouder of his wife at that moment. He had feared a moment filled with drama with either histrionics from Buffy or a violent threat of retribution from her Drusilla side. But she had come through with grace and dignity and was holding a bracelet up for his inspection. It was a simple silver rope chain from Willow and Tara. He fastened it on her wrist.

"Thank you both," Buffy said, smiling. She glanced back to the empty table before turning to everyone again. "Is it time for cake yet? I'm starving."

Her question brought the laughter she wanted and Raven and Connor fetched the cake from the kitchen. It was chocolate with chocolate frosting covered in red roses. It was what Buffy had requested and she slid from Spike's lap as the cake was placed on the coffee table. He watched as she knelt in front of it and waited for her children to light the candles; twenty-seven with one to grow on and one for the baby. She reached for his hand as she made her wish. Taking a deep breath she blew out the candles. Smiling at the applause Buffy made a slight bow in acceptance of the praise. 

"Cut the first piece," Raven said. "It's bad luck otherwise."

Buffy accepted the knife, slid two roses off the cake and deposited them carefully on a plate.

"Would you put these in the frig?" Buffy asked, handing the plate to Connor.

"Like the roses?" Max asked.

With a saucy grin Buffy looked up at him. "They're for later," she whispered and winked at him as she leaned back between Spike's legs. 

Spike laughed as a flush covered Max's face. It was time for the man to get himself a girlfriend because Buffy was going to drive him over the edge with her teasing. He reached and clapped his friend on the back.

"Just breathe, man, just breathe," Spike said, laughing.

Everyone within ear shot laughed as Max accepted a piece of cake. Buffy continued to hand the pieces to Raven to pass out. Spike relaxed as he watched her play the gracious hostess and was relieved that despite the present from SB maybe things weren't so bad. After the cake was finished, Buffy returned to his lap with a huge slice on a plate for them to share. For each bite she fed him, she would feed herself two and he patted her belly as he grabbed a forkful passing him by. It was almost too normal and he felt the first twinge of warning sounding deep within his belly. But it was forgotten as Buffy pressed her lips to his, tasting of chocolate and love.

~~~~~~~~~

_January 19, 2008__ _9.51 PM____

The party was slowing down and it was almost time for Angel and Cordelia to return home. It was mostly the kids that were left. Xander and Anya had taken Elijah home with them right after the cake had been served. Buffy had accepted the invitation from them to take her son to a fair tomorrow. Angel was glad he wouldn't be there when she found out the truth. He searched the living room and found Buffy deep in conversation with Willow. Cordelia was conversing with Clem and Max and he smiled, slipping from the room. All evening he made sure that he wasn't alone with Buffy and hoped she would stay busy with Willow long enough for him to find a moment alone in the bathroom. He needed to shake off the feelings of warning. Concluding that it was from just being around Buffy again, he forced himself to return to the party.

He opened the door and was pushed back by the very person he had been trying to avoid. She locked the door behind her and gave him the once over before smiling.

"You scared of me?" Buffy asked, baiting him.

"No, actually, I'm more afraid of my wife finding us in here together," Angel answered honestly. "Do you mind if I leave?"

"Yeah, I do," Buffy said, taking a seat on the toilet lid. She waved to the edge of the tub indicating she wanted him to sit. "I need to talk to you." A please was added when he hesitated. 

Knowing that no good would come out of this no matter what she wanted, Angel gingerly sat on the tub and waited. He pressed his fingers together forming an arch and avoided looking at her.

"Angel, I need your help. Spike…he's a good man in spite of all his talk. I don't doubt when push comes to shove what he would do for me but what I need is something colder and more calculating. Something that will come easy to you."

Angel wasn't sure if he should be insulted or not. And he wasn't sure if it was Buffy talking or her illness and he searched her eyes for a clue and got nothing. 

"What do you need?" 

Her hands caressed her stomach and her face softened with love.

"This baby is going to change everything. For all of us," Buffy said, looking up at him. "You said at Christmas that you could have taken care of this woman already." She hesitated and covered his hands with one of hers. They were warm and soft as she wrapped her fingers in his. "I need you to find her and destroy the threat to my family. I'm afraid that when her delusions come crashing down around her that she will try to harm my baby."

"Buffy, do you know what you are asking me to do?"

"Yes, I do," Buffy said, laughing softly. "I know exactly what I am doing and who I am asking. Spike couldn't handle the spilling of blood on his hands now. He is torn between worlds but you understand."

Angel stalked to the other side of the small bathroom. Yes, he understood exactly what Buffy wanted and what she was alluding to. He just wasn't sure she understood. She stood and approached him and he could see the darkness that was clouding her eyes and he shivered.

"This is my baby," Buffy said, taking his hands and putting them on her stomach. "And there is nothing I won't do to protect it."

"If I go behind Spike's back he won't forgive me," Angel argued. "We have just come to an understanding. If he agrees then I will."

"Don't be weak," Buffy spat. "You know it needs to be done as well as I do. I'm asking you to protect your family. Are you going to do it or not?"

Someone pounded on the door and they both jumped.

"I know that you two are in there," Cordelia shouted. "Open this door now."

They ignored it as they stared at each other.  Angel remembered the incident with Nikki and wondered if Buffy had arranged it after all. If he didn't do as she asked, there was a very real possibility that she would ask someone else. Someone who wouldn't care about the consequences. 

"Consider it done," Angel said, nodding slowly. He opened the door to an irate Cordelia and a worried Spike. 

"Is she trying to seduce you again?" Cordelia asked, turning to Buffy. "I told you to stay away from him."

"Don't be so threatened, dear," Buffy said. "It's not attractive at all. Besides he was mine first and you'll always be second choice."

His wife turned to him with fire in her eyes and Angel took a step back. He looked up to see Spike snickering at him and Max grinning. This was just great and he wondered how long it would take before Cordelia would forgive him. With as much as dignity as he could muster, Angel stepped from the bathroom. At least Spike wasn't trying to kill him this time. He waited as Cordy kept hinting it was time to go and through her point blank telling him they were leaving. He waited until Buffy had gone upstairs before grabbing Max. Pulling him outside to the backyard, he told Cordelia to watch out for Buffy and let them know when she came downstairs again.

Angel shoved Max against the side of the house and held him there with his forearm pressed against the human's throat with just enough force to make him think about breathing.

"Listen carefully," Angel snarled. "I'm only going to say this once. Buffy is scared. Buffy is worried that something might happen to her baby. She doesn't need that on top of everything else. You have one…one week to find that crazy bitch and lock her up or I'll do it. Do we understand each other?"

Max nodded. Angel stepped back. Their eyes met briefly before Max walked back into the house. 

"So, what exactly are you going to do?" 

It was Cordy standing on the edge of the porch. Angel hated doing this to her. Worrying her with actions that she knew could eventually ruin the life they had carefully constructed. She had tamed him in so many ways. She was the sun that he orbited around and had kept him from following instincts that could only stem from Angleus. This time Buffy was right. Spike had more to lose than he did. And it was ultimately his place to protect them. With a sadness and hope that it wouldn't come to that, he met his wife's eyes.

"Take care of my family."

_To be continued in Chapter 43 – Hell Hath No Fury_


	44. Hell Hath No Fury

**Author's Note:  **First I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story. I appreciate it. "Out of the Mouth of Babes' has grown darker in content as it has progressed and the story has now reached the point where it is beginning to end. These final chapters of Babes are going to become ever darker and at times uncomfortable. Although I am not going to guarantee any type of ending I will say that the results will remain true to the timeless love of Buffy and Spike.

**Chapter 43 – Hell Hath No Fury**

_January 20, 2008__ _9:10 AM____

Buffy's arm fell across Spike's chest and woke him from his slumber. He turned sleepy eyes to his wife who was turning this way and that way as she roused herself from the night. He was surprised when she grabbed his hand and put it on her stomach. A delighted smile lit up his face as he felt his baby move.

"Your daughter is definitely Slayer material as much as she is kicking," Buffy said, still holding his hand. "Oh, sorry, need to interrupt this moment because she just bounced on my bladder."

Spike settled back against the pillows as he watched Buffy leave the room. She was dressed in the new pajamas that Raven had given her for her birthday; a pink tank top and long pink bottoms with white kittens splashed all over them. The clothing along with her mussed up hair, Buffy looked about twelve until she turned around and he could see the clear evidences of her womanhood. He continued to lie in bed as he listened to Buffy moving around the upstairs. As soon as she returned he needed to tell her about Elijah. It wasn't going to be easy but it was the best choice he could have made and he hoped that Buffy would understand.

Suddenly the door flung back and slammed against the wall. Spike closed his eyes knowing that his chance of explaining calmly was gone. 

"Where is Elijah? I went in his room and most of his clothes are gone. Books and toys are missing. Where is he?" 

Standing up, Spike grabbed his jeans and pulled them on before going to her. He took her hand and tried to lead her back to the bed so they could talk. She yanked her arm away from him and he sighed in frustration knowing he should have said something last night instead of letting himself be seduced by roses made of frosting.

"Baby, let's talk," Spike said trying to stay composed. "Elijah is going to stay with Xander and Anya for a little while."

"Why?"

Buffy sounded so hurt with that one word and Spike wondered if he had made the right decision.

"I think with the new changes and everything that he would be less confused with them."

"Confused by what?" Buffy asked. "I take good care of him."

Spike brushed her hair back and cupped her face. "I know you do, Pet, but with the games that he's played…"

"I stopped playing with him just like you told me to," Buffy pleaded, her hands clutching at his forearms. "I've been a good girl; please don't take my son from me."

"I know you did," Spike said, looking over her head and searched for the words to explain. "He's confused. He thinks he's the only one protecting the baby. That's too much of a burden for a little boy."

Tears had started to fill her eyes and a part of him wanted to give in to her requests but he knew he couldn't. 

"You don't understand, Spike. There are things that you don't know. I need him home with me."

"Explain so that I do understand. I can protect you if you'd just tell me what's going on. These secrets of yours are scaring me, Baby."

Everything in him silently begged her to open up and tell him. Most likely it would be nothing more than the ravings of her insanity but at least he'd know how to handle things. She seemed to be struggling with herself and she closed her eyes before leaning against him.

"Please, tell me. You know I'll take care of you."

Her hands clutched at his chest and he could feel his chest getting wet from her tears. He relaxed as he pulled her closer and his hands ran along her back. 

"Give me back my son," Buffy screamed and pushed at him with everything she had.

Spike flew across the room hitting the wall before slumping to the floor. Shaking his head he looked up to see her advancing toward him. He told himself to move but his body wouldn't cooperate.

"These are things that you cannot understand." Buffy hissed, pushing the dresser over. She stepped carelessly over the mess she had made. "Everything is almost ready for the day when it will all come right again. You have been a very bad boy and now you will lose your chance to play." Reaching down she tore apart a drawer. She took the front part of it and swung at him. Spike just managed to roll before it crashed against his head. The wood slammed into his back and a screw from the handle tore into his flesh. He groaned and arched his back as the pain registered with his brain. "Now you stay here while I'll go and make things all better."

Her voice was calm as she turned to leave the bedroom. In the doorway was Raven and Max. Sean hung back in the hallway.

"Do you think that you can stop me?" Buffy asked with a smirk.

Taking advantage of the situation, Spike grabbed her from behind and pulled her toward the bed. Startled by his movements, she didn't fight him as he pushed her down and straddled her thighs. He held her hands above her head.

"Buffy, stop this. It's not good for the baby."

She laughed. "You should have thought of that before you stole my child."

"I didn't steal him," Spike said, trying to maintain his hold as she struggled to be free. "He's a little boy and deserves to be a little boy. I'm trying to do what's best for him."

"Help me, please help me," Buffy pleaded and started to sob. "Spike, don't do this. I'll do whatever you want just let me go."

It was his Buffy again and he loosened his grip on her. As soon as he did her face twisted in a mask of pure evil as she took advantage of his sympathy and threw him off. Spike fell backwards and rolled off the bed. He looked up to find her peering at him over the edge of the bed. Her laughter was a haunting melody that resounded of darkness and death. 

"Silly boy never did understand, did you?" Buffy taunted. "There are things you don't know. Things that were set in motion that very night when you died. The stars whispered of your fate, of this child, and you can't change the way it will be."

"Bloody hell I can't," Spike said, pushing off the floor and looking at Raven and Max. "Help me."

Buffy started to back crawl along the bed but Spike came around the one side and grabbed her arm. 

"Raven, hold her arm down. Max get her feet. Be careful."

His instructions were carried out while Buffy fought them with everything she had. Max was trying to hold down his wife and Spike decided that her feet would be first. Still clutching her hand he knelt and reached under the bed and pulled out a restraint attached to a chain. 

"Put it on her ankle now," Spike said, glancing up to see his daughter sobbing. "Its okay, Raven, it's only until she's quieted down." He reached under and grabbed the one for her wrist."

"Please, Spike, I'll be good. I promise," Buffy cried. "Don't do this to me, please, please, don't, I can't stand it. Not after the coffin. No."

The restraint was snapped around her wrist. Spike hurried down to help Max and went to grasp Buffy's free leg when she pulled it back and kicked Max in the face. He flew back into the pile that was the dresser. Spike fastened the restraints on her ankles ignoring his friend for the moment. Finally he reached under the bed for the last chain and handed it to Raven.

"Daddy, I can't," Raven pleaded. "She's my mother."

Nodding he brushed her aside and did it himself. Like always. It was him that had to make the tough choices even if it did tear him to pieces.

"Raven, take Max downstairs. Call Kate if he needs it," Spike instructed. He waited until they were out the door before turning back to his wife. "These chains are fastened to concrete that was poured beneath the floorboards. You can probably tear the bed apart but you won't be able to break the chains."

Buffy spit in his face and he wiped it away. 

"Do you really think that this will hold me?" Buffy said, pulling on the chains.

"The only way to break the chains free would be to bring the bed down on top of you and I'm hoping that your love for our child will prevent you from doing it."

"You're pathetic and weak having to resort to chaining your wife."

Her face was moist with perspiration and Spike pushed her hair back from her forehead. She glared at him with rage simmering in her eyes. Needing an excuse to get away from her a moment, he hurried to the bathroom. He filled a basin with warm water and a dash of bath oil with lavender. Grabbing a washcloth he threw it in the water and as he prepared to leave the room, Spike caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror. It seemed to him that he had aged since the night before. His eyes closed as he gathered his resolve to do what had to be done. 

Buffy's eyes were closed when he entered the room. He sat the basin on the nightstand before lighting candles that were meant to encourage relaxation. The curtains were shut and the room was bathed in the warm glow of the candles. Spike sat on the edge of the bed. He wrung the washcloth out and starting with her face, he bathed the sweat from her. Each stroke was rhythmic and soothing in its motion. She watched him from under her lids and he could feel the cold stare all the way through his soul.

"Oh, my Sweet, you try so hard but it always ends the same," Buffy whispered. "You have become so domesticated. A pathetic lapdog for the Slayer is such a sad fate for a creature such as you. You scorned Daddy when he was in caught in her flame and now you wallow in his leavings."

He faltered as her words. They twisted into his soul but he forced them away. He pushed her shirt up and her pajamas down. He ran the cloth in small circular strokes over her stomach.

"She grows bored with you. Did you know? There is no monster left in you. Only a wretched shell of the evil she once adored and clung to. You have grown fat and lazy in your obsession for the girl."

Spike straightened her clothes and dropped the cloth in the water. Her words were peeling away the security that he clung to. He blinked his eyes and looked up at her.

"You try so hard not to believe me. It takes no pixie dust to know the truth that shines as bright as the sun. If she loves you so much why did she want to be with Daddy? Why does she turn to him to save her?"

"What do you mean?"

Buffy laughed. At first it was a giggle like she knew a secret he didn't.

"Buffy, what are you talking about?"

The laughter turned to a taunting cackle. Spike chose to ignore it. Buffy loved him. It was clear that she was trying to provoke him. It was the why that confused him. Did she think that if she hurt him enough that he would release her? Would take her life? Shaking his head, he stood and reached for the bowl.

"I'm not going to play this game," Spike said. "When you have calmed down I'll let you go."

"Do you think that I will ever forgive you for taking my child from me?" Buffy asked. "Do you think that I will bend to your will? I won't. Not now and not ever. As soon as I am free you will pay for what you have done."

Spike laughed and exited the room. Of course she wouldn't bend to him. She never had. He left the bowl in the bathroom and sat on the top step. He listened as Buffy cried. Every once in a while she would call for him and he wrapped his arms around his knees rocking back and forth. He fought everything in him that wanted to let her go but he knew that if he did she would attack him again. Raven came to him and cleaned the cut on his back. She held his hand for awhile but when Buffy returned to cursing him Raven retreated downstairs where she couldn't hear.  

Since the incident with Angel, the personality switches were becoming clearer. Almost as if once her secret had been found it didn't matter anymore. Listening to his wife he knew when she was Buffy and when she was 'Drusilla'. Eventually the cries and curses slipped into mad ramblings and he found himself shaking. 

"Spike, drink this," Max said, sitting next to him. 

Trying to focus, Spike took the glass from Max. It was blood and he took a sip but found that he only gagged on it. The glass was set on the floor next to him. 

"What time is it?" Spike croaked out. 

"It's almost one," Max said. "Why don't you go down and talk to your children? Raven is pretty shook up."  
  


In the hours he had been listening for her it was as if he had forgotten the rest of the world even existed. Spike looked at Max. His friend turned from him but Spike put his fingers on his chin and forced Max to look at him. The left side of his face was bruised leading up to an almost swollen shut black eye. Spike let his fingers drift from the chin over the bruising to corner of the eye. The touch was almost a caress that was broken when Max winced from pain.

"I'm sorry," Spike said. "I am asking too much of my friends."

"No," Max said. "That is what friends are for. A lot of the things she says are true." He laughed, low and humorlessly. "We've all been on the receiving end of her mouth. But when you think about it most of it is nothing more than brutal honesty. Like me. She said I was weak. I am. I've let you down twice. Since Bri I've run. Lost myself in my work and didn't let myself get close enough to anyone to have to be responsible for them. You…this family have destroyed my solitary oath. I won't let you down again."

It was comfort because it was the truth. Max was one of them now. In another lifetime he would have been made a favored Childe but now he was a friend. A brother. He would never be the same as Xander but the feelings were almost as strong because Max knew his secrets and weaknesses. Spike leaned against him for a moment. Shoulder to shoulder.

"I know," Spike said. "I'm going to check on my children. You'll be all right?"

"Yeah."

Spike made his way downstairs. Raven and Sean were in his study playing on the computer.

"Hey," Spike said. 

Raven ran to him and he crushed her to him. He opened one arm and held it out to Sean who followed more slowly but came to him nonetheless.

"Is she all right?"

"I think she's going to sleep," Spike said. "Hopefully when she wakens she'll be…I'll be able to free her."

The phone rang and Raven slipped away to answer. After saying hello, she handed the phone to him.

"Hello," Spike said.

"Spike, its Xander. We have a problem."

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 20, 2008__ _12:54 PM____

Max was startled to see Willow and Tara step through the front door. If they had knocked he hadn't heard them. His mind was occupied by the changes in his life and by the woman chained to a bed. The life he had carefully constructed had been shattered when he had met Buffy that day at the motel. He wasn't sure if he liked the fact that his heart was healing and he wanted to belong somewhere again. That he wanted to be more than Agent Maxim Rochester of the California branch of The Guardians. 

He watched in amusement as Candy ran to the witches and sniffed playfully at their feet.

"Hello, pretty baby," Tara said, reaching down to scoop the small dog up in her arms. 

When she straightened she saw him and her eyes flew open then filled with pity. She and Willow made their way up the stairs.

"Max, what happened?" Willow asked sitting next to him while her companion sat on the other side of him. Again fingers were run over his face and he basked in the care that was shown to him. 

It wasn't his place to explain so Max shrugged and said, "I got in the way."

"Must have been something pretty big," Tara said.

"Tara, Willow is that you?" Buffy called.

"Yes, it's us," Willow replied.

"Don't go in there," Max said. "It's been a bad day."

The two women glanced at each other and ignoring his words went into the bedroom. Max followed them knowing that one good yell would bring the vampire so watching out for the women seemed like the better idea. Willow pulled the curtains open and she gasped when she saw Buffy chained to the bed. Tara was calmer and sat on the edge of the bed next to Buffy letting the dog loose to curl next to her mistress.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Buffy said.

"I'll let him know," Max said, slipping from the room but didn't have to go far because Spike was already on his way up the stairs.

Max returned to leaning against the doorjamb as Spike entered the bedroom. He sat on the other side of Buffy and searched her face.

"I'm…please…" Buffy said.

Nodding, Spike undid each restraint before picking her up in his arms and taking her to the bathroom.

"Did Buffy do that to you?" Tara asked.

"Probably when he was helping to chain her down," Willow said, her eyes flashing and as Spike's turned gold when teetering on great emotion, the witch's eyes were flickering black.

"You don't understand, Will," Max explained. "She was trying to hurt Spike."

"Honey, you need to let Spike tell us what happened before we judge," Tara said, taking her lover's hand. "Why don't we wait downstairs for them?"

The two women made their way downstairs before the bathroom door opened. Buffy supported by Spike made her back into the bedroom. After a dismissing glance from Spike, Max joined them in the living room. Raven and Sean were sitting close to each other on the couch while Willow and Tara were seated in Buffy's chair.

"Was she that bad?" Tara asked.

Max leaned forward, his fingers smoothing the frown lines on his forehead. There wasn't really any easy way to answer her. To someone who hadn't been here the truth would only look like Buffy had been provoked into defending what she considered hers. Her right to have access to her child and that had been taken away. With the child not talking about what was going on between his mother and him, Spike really hadn't had a choice. Either way both were right and both were wrong and it was only a small boy whose safety mattered in the end.

"Yes, she was violent and at the moment we chained her she was dangerous," Max said.

"Don't even judge me," Spike snarled. He stepped into the room and towered over the women. "You humiliated Buffy yesterday and hurt me. This whole bloody mess is your fault for not leaving her alone. All of you had to have Buffy to complete your damn world. Without her to center around none of your miserable lives were worth living. And when she didn't perform as expected you disappeared like you have now. Only around when the pickings are good and the rest of the time leave her to the vampire to clean up your mistakes."

Grabbing his arm Max turned Spike to him.

"Don't," Max implored. "You are going to say things that you regret."

"Especially since you were the one who said if we brought her back as not quite human that you wouldn't let us destroy whatever it was as long as part of it was her."

Everyone turned to look at Xander in the doorway. In his arms was cradled Elijah. 

Spike nodded.

"You're right, I wouldn't have and I still wouldn't," Spike said. He turned back to Willow. His eyes were scathing in their perusal. "Willow stay here for one day and not just for a few short hours and see the reality. Don't think that we are making it up or exaggerating. Everyone in this house is living in the world that exists only in Buffy's head. So, don't judge the decisions we make to protect her or us."

Dismissing them, Spike took his son from Xander's arms and made his way upstairs. 

"I just don't understand the need for chains," Willow said. "I didn't mean to be all judgey and superior but…"

"You were, sweetie," Tara said. "Look at Max's face. Look at Raven and Sean. They didn't do it to be cruel but to protect themselves."

When Xander perched on the other side of the red head, Max felt left out of a group of people that had been through so much together. He knew Spike and Buffy welcomed him but there was so much history he wasn't a part of. He glanced back at the two teenagers who were not only feeling as out of place as he was but still shaken from the morning's events.  Standing he reached for Raven's hand.  
  
"Let's go pick up some lunch and get you two out of the house for awhile." Max said. "I think things have calmed down enough."

Raven and Sean smiled gratefully and he felt a rush of love for them that amazed him with its intensity. Whatever reservations he had about leaving his heart open again was gone as he led the two from the house. However things were resolved this afternoon he knew Spike would let him on it later. For now the kids were taking precedence. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 20, 2008__ _1:15 PM____

The door clicked shut and Xander moved to occupy the spot where Max had been sitting. He took a moment to study his best friend. Willow meant well but in the last few months she had been changing in ways he wasn't entirely comfortable with. And it was because he saw those changes in himself. It was like Sunnydale was casting its spell over their adult selves making them forget the forces that they once fought so hard against. They were letting the fight pass from their hands into the younger generation and blinding themselves to the truth. 

"Spike had a reason to do what he did," Xander said. "I was so arrogant when I took Elijah. I would be the one fix everything for that little boy. And in a few short hours he made me remember everything and see what is happening to Buffy so much clearer."

"What happened, Xan?" Willow asked.

"Elijah tore my house apart," Xander said, passing a hand over his face. "I was standing there in my living room trying to explain to this child why he couldn't be with his mommy and the next thing I knew the lamp had hit the wall."

"I'm sorry, Xander," Tara said, giggling. "But I could've told you what might happen." 

"Well, it wasn't funny as everything in my living room ended up in a pile on one side before I got Spike on the phone," Xander groused. "Anya didn't seem to mind much because Spike said he'd replace everything. Now, she gets to spend someone else's money on a new living room set and I get dragged from store to store while she decides."

"He didn't hurt anyone, did he?" Willow asked.

"No, he wouldn't hurt anyone," Tara interrupted. "He has too much control for someone to be in the way and too much empathy to injure anyone without hurting himself."

"Yeah," Xander said. "He actually had Aidan and Jessy behind him when he started it. Every time he'd say take me home and when I tried to explain why he couldn't something else would go flying." 

"Did he say why he had to be home?" Tara asked, settling back against Willow. Her fingers interlaced with her lovers.

"That was the thing that got to me," Xander said, sitting up again. "He said that he couldn't miss it. And that the baby was going to change everything."

"I've heard Buffy say that before," Willow said. "At least the part about the baby changing everything."

"It was the way that Elijah said it that got to me," Xander said. "It was like he had to be in a certain spot at certain time in order for something to happen."

"Like Dawn with Glory?" Tara asked.

"Exactly," Xander said. "Exactly."

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 20, 2008__ 1:_05 PM____

His son was in his arms again. Spike hated to admit it but it felt right to have the boy home. Without Elijah a piece of their home was gone. Maybe Buffy was right and he was the essential Ace that held their fragile house of cards together. He opened the door, peering into their room to see what Buffy was doing before putting Elijah down. She was pulling her hair through a scrunchy and he set the child on his feet. Leaning against the spot Max had earlier; Spike watched as his wife held out her arms and caught their son.

"I've missed you, my little prince," Buffy crowed, wrapping her arms around him.

"I missed you too, Mummy. They didn't want me to come home."

"I know but you're here now," Buffy said. "Everything is right again and we can celebrate your return."

"Celebrate?"

"Yes," Buffy replied, shaking her head for a moment. She clasped his small body to her again. "I'm glad that you're home."

Spike watched as she stood and took Eli's hand. She passed by him and he could have sworn that when she did he could see a look of utter defeat in her eyes. 

_To be continued in Chapter 44 – Love is All We Have_


	45. Love is All We Have

**Chapter 44 – Love is All We Have **

_January 27, 2008__ _4:15 PM____

The house was filled with family sounds that gave the facade of normalcy. Del and Buffy were in the kitchen starting dinner preparations. Elijah and Aidan ran through the house with Candy nipping at their heels while Sean and Raven both had their love interests there. All four were in the living room playing monopoly and their laughter was an echoing background for everything else.

All in all Spike felt good today. If only Buffy and he could breach the wall of emotional distance from each other everything would be perfect. Since the day she had been chained they only spoke to each other when it was absolutely needed. And it seemed that neither of them wanted to be the one to take the first step toward reconciliation. 

Spike forced himself to pay attention to Angel filling him in on Max's progress with finding the stalker. Angel had reluctantly told him about the conversation in the bathroom and the subsequent threat against his friend. Since then Max would phone Angel everyday who in turn would call him. And Spike wanted to choke them both for their childish behavior.

"Yeah, so they have this woman's picture all over Atlanta and the surrounding area," Angel said. "But they can't get a name or a plate number."

"Something will break soon," Spike said trying to placate his Sire. 

"Not with that imbecile friend of yours running the investigation," Angel grumbled. "Don't know how you can stand him."

Spike laughed. Angel's jealousy of Max in their lives was becoming more pronounced with every conversation. He wondered how long it would take before other people noticed. It would probably be never because they wouldn't understand why Angel would care about anyone in Spike's or Buffy's life.  They would assume it was simply that he didn't like the man and not the truth. Angel felt that Max was encroaching on what he considered his territory. 

"Why don't you just turn him?" Spike asked, laughing when Angel snorted. "You could make him a minion and torture him by turning him into your personal servant."

"Not worth the time," Angel said. "Besides he probably tastes sour and please don't tell me that you know if he does or not."

"Nope, I sure don't."

"Well, at least I understand why you didn't get jealous of Buffy playing with him," Angel said, his voice trying to subtly pry into Spike's emotions. "He's not much of a man."

"Yes, he is," Spike said, standing to look out the window. "He has strength that he has forgotten he has. It will come through when we need it."

Angel sighed, loudly, in his ear.  It was enough for now. Eventually the two males would accept each other. They would have to because Spike figured by the time all this ended he would need them both to get through what was coming. 

"We'll see," Angel said. "Is Buffy talking to you yet?"

"Not really," Spike said, his head bowing under the threat of emotions he was trying to ignore. "She only says what has to be said and not much else."

"She'll come around. Somewhere she knows you only did what you had to."

Spike wanted to ask how Angel or Buffy could know. In hindsight he wasn't sure if it was what he had to do or if he could have found another way to deal with the situation. His hand rubbed the back of his neck trying to alleviate the tension that was cramping his muscles. He had been over it so many times in the past week that he didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Has Cordelia forgiven you yet?" Spike asked, hoping that Angel would follow his lead and let the subject of Buffy drop. 

"Good God no," Angel moaned. "I have been cast into a purgatory of endless lectures. I need to stay away from my exes, no good will come from helping you two, and the constant questions on vampire relationships because I consider you family." 

"Did you tell her all the gory details? Or just go with the 'we've all known each other so long that we seem like family' story."

"Tried the second one but she went to Wesley and he gave in and now she knows more about us than I ever wanted her to know."

"What did she expect?" Spike scoffed. "That if she believed hard enough that you would just be human."

"No, just that it was over with," Angel said. "And in a way so did I."

Spike paced down the hallway to look in on the young people in his living room. There was such a combined air of innocence and world weariness about them. Raven glanced up at him and he smiled at her. The events of the weekend before had taken a toll on them all. Denial was becoming a strong part of his personality as he turned to head back to his study.

"How's the new approach coming on the research?" Spike asked. "Good I hope because it's not moving much here."

"Wesley and Fred are buried under a pile of books right now," Angel confirmed. "Wes dug up some new ones on prophecies."

"Yeah, it's like old times around here. The little Scoobies burning the midnight oil gathered around the table at the Magic Box."

"At least they're trying," Angel admonished. "It's more than they were a few weeks ago."

It was true. The only positive thing to be brought out of the weekend before was the renewed effort to find a prophecy that would explain Buffy's condition. If only Buffy and Elijah would tell everything they knew it would help but they were more secretive than before.

"I know, Angel," Spike agreed. "I do appreciate it. It's just frustrating because it's taken so long for them to come back around."

"Don't drive them away with your temper. Let them know that their help and hard work are welcomed and needed."

Spike leaned his head against the back of his chair and let the nostalgia sweep through him. He let himself remember the days that he learned from his Grand-Sire even if he was fighting Angelus every step of the way. He wondered if Angel realized what he was doing and how much Spike appreciated it. Since he had grown up without a father, Angelus had taken that role in more ways than one. And now when he needed it the most Angel was taking over that void in his life. 

"I've missed that," Spike said, deciding to take the risk to let Angel know and he hoped that he wouldn't be rejected. 

"What's that?"

"My Sire."

The silence was almost deafening for a moment and Spike waited for the sarcasm to flow so easily from that being he still loved and hated with equal fervor. 

"I've missed you too, William."

The phone clicked off and Spike felt like a load had been lifted from his shoulders. His family was rallying around again to help. If there was an answer they would find it. They always had before. 

With a lighter step Spike wandered into the kitchen where Del and Buffy were chopping vegetables to make chicken stir fry. He snitched a piece of carrot before heading to the refrigerator to grab a beer.

"No sampling," Del said, playfully waving a knife at him.

"Tyrant," Spike joked, tossing the lid into the garbage and after kissing Buffy on the top of her head he headed outside. 

Sighing he sat on the top step and took a long drink of the cold beer. His fingers picked at the label and wondered how everything had gotten so complicated. It was times like this that he missed the days right after Buffy came back from Dallas when life seemed almost flat lined. 

The back door opened and Buffy stepped out. His heart gave an expectant lurch at the loving smile she gave him. Maybe it was time for them to make up. She sat beside him and her fingers ran through his hair as he leaned into her palm.

"Don't look so sad," Buffy whispered. "You're doing the only thing that you can."

"Which is?'

"Letting go of me," she said, tears welling up in her eyes. 

It took Spike a couple of seconds to be sure he heard her right. Every good feeling he had when he got off the phone was gone. They had vanished under a streak of anger that burned into his heart. It took another few seconds for Spike to comprehend that other thoughts and emotions were screaming at him to be heard. And the loudest was asking why he hadn't attempted reconciliation with her if he wasn't letting go. 

The truth rocked his soul because until she said the words he hadn't realized that was what he was doing. Somewhere in their chaotic daily life and the rapid progression of her disease he had been distancing himself a little more every day. In having to make the hard choices and sometimes hurting her with those decisions he had to close off parts of his heart to keep from falling apart. It wasn't that he didn't love her anymore. But he needed to survive emotionally so he could continue to care for her and their family. After all these years the links in the chain that bound them together were being undone. And he wanted to fight it with all the love that he had won her with. 

"No, I am bloody well not," Spike exclaimed, jumping up to stare down at her. His words were meant to convince both of them that he intended to keep his promises.  "I love you and I will be here for you no matter what happens."

"You don't have a choice," Buffy declared. "The only way you are going to survive this." Her hand cut a path through the air with the same disregard as the apparent insanity that was taking her away. "Is if you let me go and concentrate on our children and you."

"So, I just give up on you and me. What about our love? What about us?"

Buffy reached a hand out to him and he helped her to stand. In her eyes was the defeat he had seen a week ago and along with it the acceptance that she would probably never be well again. She was giving up and he didn't know how to fight that.

"Listen," Buffy said. In the house he could hear the sound of their children and friends screaming with laughter as they played. "William, that's the evidence of our love. It's not over. It never will be as long as they go on. Without us, without our love, God only knows where they would be. I know that Sean would probably be a street kid selling his body to survive. Raven and Elijah would be somewhere where they couldn't be themselves and they would have to hide the powers they have. Even Connor is healing because of this house and because of our love. Our love is alive and stronger than ever. It never will die as long as they and this baby I carry lives. Nurture them. Love them with the single minded devotion that you loved me with in the beginning. Promise me?"

"No, I am not going to promise anything. Why don't you fight?" Spike yelled. "This whole fucking conversation pisses me off. I'm angry that you're giving up, that you think you have to be Drusilla to keep me, angry that you won't tell me everything, and it infuriates me that you are willing to hurt our children to keep your, oh so precious, secrets."

Buffy didn't fight back. Her expression was indulgent of his tantrum and she waited until he was finished with his tirade before speaking.

"And you are angry with yourself because you think you are failing me," Buffy said. "But you're not. I know that you will continue to care for my physical well being but emotionally you have to be responsible to yourself and our children first." She took his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her fingers. "Don't tear yourself up with guilt. It's not going to do any of us any good." She pressed a kiss to his lips. "I forgive you. Forgive yourself for doing what you have to do."

"No, Buffy," Spike cried. "I promised that I would always be here. Always love you."

"And you will, Baby, you will." Buffy tilted his head down until he was forced to look into her eyes. There was so much serenity in them and he could almost feel it flowing from her hands as she forced him to face what was in his heart. "It's okay. If I don't get through this I want you to live as much as you can. Love as much as you can."

"I can't do this," Spike sobbed. "Please don't leave me. I don't know how to make it without you. I don't who the hell I am without you."

"You are the man I love," Buffy whispered, laying her hand over his heart. "Carry me here and I will always be with you. And know that what we have will transcend time because we have changed the rules and our story will be told in the years to come. But only if you cultivate what we started and don't let it die. Promise me?"

Spike pulled her against him and her arms wrapped around his waist. His hands stroked her hair and face as the grief threatened to overwhelm him. He was hanging on the edge of a cliff and couldn't find solid ground and he knew the only choice he had was to let go and hope that the fall wouldn't kill him.

"I promise," Spike choked out. 

Buffy smiled her approval at him and her arms squeezed him tighter. She would be beside him, she would sleep with him and make love to him but in so many ways she was already gone. By letting go he understood what was happening to them both. Their lives were getting ugly and desperate in an attempt just to survive. She had let go of him the day he had chained her to the bed. It was the only way she could tolerate the humiliation and pain of what he had to do. If they both kept pretending that it wasn't happening they would eventually destroy their love by the sheer frustration of dealing with her illness. And Spike hoped that if their hearts were frozen while they still believed that their love could conquer all then maybe there was the chance that one day they could be thawed.

_To be continued in Chapter 45 – Baby Love_


	46. Baby Love

**Chapter 45 – Baby Love**

_February 9, 2008__1:25 PM_

Tara watched in amusement as Buffy and Willow stared open mouthed at the inside of the huge baby store. It was part of the new shopping district that was being developed on the outskirts of Sunnydale and unlike anything the town had seen before.  

"Holy crap," Buffy muttered. "This is going to take months to get through."

"I am right there with you," Willow echoed, slipping her hand into Buffy's. "Feeling a bit overwhelmed myself." 

It had been Tara's idea to mobilize them into doing some baby shopping. Buffy needed to get registered before they could even think about planning a shower for her. So, Dawn and Raven had tagged along on the expedition. And from the size of this store it was going to be an expedition. 

"We'll get through as much as we can," Tara said in her best mommy's voice. It was stern but tender. "If we get tired we'll go have an ice cream break and come back." Her hands on Buffy's shoulder she turned her to the baby registry desk. "Let's get you signed in so we can get started."

"Dawn and I are going to scope out the store," Raven said, already walking away. "Find out where everything is and we'll catch up with you."

The three older women watched the girls walk away before heading for the counter. They shook their heads because it figured that the two retreating figures were along for the fun and the not the endless work it was going to take to get Buffy registered and through the day.

"Xander said the attic would be ready for move in by next weekend," Willow said while they sat down at the registry desk.

"It should be but we need to buy a new bed," Buffy replied, leaning on the counter. "Where we want to put the bed the ceiling slopes and the canopy on ours won't fit."

"Well, I guess that's going to cramp your style," Tara joked. "No more handcuffs on the scroll work."

"Spike worked it out. He's going to hang the chains from the wall," Buffy said, smiling up at the representative who had just come to help them. At the moment the woman looked horrified at Buffy's words. "It's all right. He never leaves me there for long." Her expression turned sweet as the woman's eyes got bigger. "I need to register."

The older woman merely nodded and handed Buffy the forms. It took only a couple of minute for her to fill everything out and be handed the 'gun' for her to record the codes for the products they wanted. Buffy was also handed a coupon for a discount for everything she bought that day.

"Okay," Buffy said, looking around. "Where do we start?"

"I think the practical things," Tara said. "Receiving blankets, t-shirts, bottles, sleepers, that kind of stuff. Let's start over here in the nursery supplies and focus only on things that you will need right away to save time."

"Lead on, expert one," Buffy quipped, her hands planted on the handle of the shopping cart. "I have list of necessary supplies, UPC gun and credit card so let's get everything ready for the baby."

Tara smiled indulgently at her friend. Spike hadn't been sure about them taking Buffy out but Tara had argued that maybe if Buffy was doing more normal things than maybe she'd feel and act more normal. He had been swayed when Willow had donned resolved face and told him that they really weren't prepared for the baby's arrival and there were only a couple of months left. He had agreed with stipulations, Raven went in case they needed to subdue Buffy, and they made sure Buffy wasn't alone long enough to hire a hit man or something with the credit card. Tara and Willow had agreed and here they were.

They stood in front of the vast array of nursery items. Buffy's fingers lingered over items that she liked as they made their way through the supply list. Tara helped her pick out items to put on Buffy's wish list that she had found to be the best quality. 

"Hey, guys," Raven said, sliding to a stop next to her mother. "This place is great."

"They have the coolest shi...stuff," Dawn exclaimed. "I think I want a baby."

Four pairs of eyes turned in dismay at her announcement. Dawn laughed and put her hands up. 

"Not right now. I promise to graduate from college first."

"You'd better," Buffy said. "Or you will be mince meat pie."

They turned the corner into the baby bottles and other sundry items to feed the infant. 

"You're going to breast feed, right Buffy?" Tara asked, searching for a particular breast pump that she had used.

"What's wrong?" Willow asked.

Tara looked up to find Buffy silently crying and being embraced in a hug by the other three. Hurrying she joined them so Buffy was being encircled by her friends. 

"My doctors…they said," Buffy said, between hiccupping sobs. "They said that I shouldn't count…on, I asked them and, they don't think I'll be able to take care of the baby."

Tara pulled her closer and stroked Buffy's hair as she looked at the other women. They all looked as horrified as she felt. In spite of the progression of her illness none of them had thought that she wouldn't be able to take care of her baby at all. Tara felt a pang of guilt for pushing the shopping trip.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Tara whispered, in her friend's ear. "If I had known that I wouldn't have suggested doing this."

The mother to be pulled back from them and furiously wiped the tears from her face. She patted her stomach and offered a tremulous smile that showed her bravery in facing the future.

"No, Tara, all of you, thanks for doing this. I want to do as much for my baby as possible. I want her or him to know that I did everything I could. That I fought as long as I could to be there for her." Buffy stopped for a second and slipped back into their embrace. "Promise me that the four of you will take care of this baby. That you'll teach her everything she needs to know. Tell her to be strong and true to herself."

"That goes without saying," Tara said. "You know we will."

It felt like the oxygen was sucked out of the air around them as they contemplated Buffy's request. Tara had said the first thing that came to her mind and even to her it sounded like she was placating Buffy and not taking it seriously. Willow took a deep breath and stepped in front of Buffy cradling her face in her hands.

"Listen to me," Willow said. "If and that's a pretty big if something should prevent you from mothering this child, we will step in and care for her or him as if she was our own. But you are going to be mothering this child because we are going to find the answers and we are going to fix it. Like we always have, well, except for the times we have screwed up royally, but not anymore. This baby needs you and you will be there for her. Do you understand?"

Buffy nodded but didn't say a word. An eerie feeling passed through Tara as she watched Buffy's reaction to the situation. She had gone from being worried about her baby to an almost blasé attitude. Everyone was floundering as they sensed the change in Buffy.

"Well, even if you can't breast feed your baby yourself," Tara explained, hoping to get things back on track. "Your milk can be pumped so your child can still have the benefits."

"Yeah," Dawn said. "Spike will probably think it's a torture device and be more than happy to do it for you."

Everyone laughed as they continued to shop. Raven took control of the 'gun' so Buffy could concentrate on choosing items. Occasionally there would be something that she particularly liked and it would get tossed into the cart that Dawn was now pushing. It became serious as they checked items off and moved through the store. Tara questioned her when Buffy insisted on buying a carrier that would hold the baby close to the body so you could have your hands free. The only explanation was that she thought that Spike would look cute carrying the infant in it. Tara let it go as they drifted into the furniture section.

"Have all this ordered," Buffy said. "We found a site on line and they had this crib that looks like an antique spindle bed. William fell in love with it so it is on the way along with the entire matching set."

"Oooh," Dawn said. "Spike is taking care of his baby."

"Both of them it seems," Tara replied. "How about the crib set?"

"Not yet. I'm still thinking lambs or ducks."

"Lambs or ducks? Why not Winnie the Pooh or snapdragons?" Raven asked.

"Because it's what I like," Buffy said sternly. "I've asked William a couple of times but he won't give me a preference."

"Why are you calling him William now?" Dawn asked, peering over her sister's shoulders. "I know it's his name but you never have before."

Tara placed the two sets place side by side so Buffy could look closer at them. 

"Different names for different times," Buffy said, never taking her eyes off the crib sets. "Things are changing and he should be William again." She sighed. "I don't know. I like them both."

"I think you're waiting for Daddy's opinion," Raven said. "Let's call him and ask."

Before anyone could stop her she had pulled out her cell phone and dialed home. She left it on speaker phone so that Buffy could hear.

"Hello," Del answered.

"Hi Del. It's Raven. Is Daddy around?"

"He's up in the attic with the rest of them," Del answered. "Let me go and get him."

"No, you don't have to. I'll call him on his cell phone."

"Silly girl," Del said, with a giggle. "They're all up there working on the room. They've taken their shirts off in some macho display and all that sweat is glistening off those chests. Believe me it's no bother to find your father for you."

The women giggled as they waited for Del to retrieve Spike to the phone. 

"Hey, what 'cha need, Princess?" Spike asked.

"Mum wants to know which you prefer," Raven said. "Lambs or ducks?"

"Lambs or ducks for what?" 

"The nursery theme," Raven said, with a trace of impatience. "She's asked you before and you haven't answered so which is it going to be?"

"Lambs or ducks," Angel's voice carried through the phone, "Sounds like she wants you to choose between those cute nicknames that you call the women in your life. Which is Buffy?"

"Lamb for her fluffy little…" Spike started but was stopped by groans and protests from everyone within earshot. 'Look I really don't care. It's up to Buffy what she wants."

Buffy sniffled again. 

"Spike," Tara said, slipping an arm around Buffy to try and comfort her. "Would you please just say which one?"

"Yeah, Mum is upset," Raven added.

There was a loud crash, a couple of expletives and then Spike was on the phone.

"Buffy, I'm sorry," Spike said. "We're trying to get the bathtub installed. I didn't mean I didn't care at all. If it's a choice lets go with the lambs. Okay?"

"Okay," Buffy said.

"Anything else you need?" Spike asked, the pitch of his voice had lowered and had a soothing quality to the tone.

"No, that's it," Buffy answered. "I'm sorry to bother you. I just don't want you to hate what I choose."

"It wasn't a bother. The only thing that was between me and broken fingers was Angel. Sorry I seemed like I didn't care. I'm getting glares from everyone so I'm going to let you go. Call if you need anything else."

"Thanks Spike," Tara said. 

Raven clicked the phone off while Dawn threw the crib set into the cart.  Tara brushed Buffy's hair away from her face as she stared blankly at the set for a minute. Buffy looked disappointed somehow at the selection they had made, she turned her head and stared at a set that was obviously for a girl. It was predominantly pink with brightly colored butterflies on it. 

"Buffy, do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?" Tara asked. 

"No, we haven't officially found out but I have a feeling it's a girl." Buffy answered, turning away from the set she had been looking out.

Tara followed her as Buffy headed for the clothing department. 

"Why don't you wait then on the theme for the nursery? Find out at your next sonogram and then you could get the butterfly set if you prefer that one."

"No, William said lambs so its lambs," Buffy said. "Now what clothes do we need to get?"

Even with everyone scattering to admire the baby clothes they managed to get through the list pretty quickly. A few items were purchased just so they would have some on hand. Buffy chose a neutral outfit for the baby to wear home from the hospital. After they had double checked the list to make sure nothing essential was left out they walked toward the check out lines. 

Tara had to admit that the day hadn't been that bad. No real catastrophes and Buffy was a lot closer to having what she needed for her baby. All they had to do was plan the baby shower, get everyone shopping to supply the rest and hope that the mother to be was herself at the party. She sighed as the new found respect she felt for Spike at dealing with this on a daily basis. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_February 9, 2007 5: 12 PM_

Everything on her body ached. Buffy fidgeted in her seat and longed for a hot bath. It had been a long afternoon and although she had enjoyed spending time with her friends she was ready to go home. 

Tara pulled the van into the driveway and with dismay Buffy saw all the rest of the family gathered on the front porch and spilling onto the front lawn. They looked up as the van pulled in and she knew she couldn't face them. 

"Please pull around the back," Buffy pleaded, when Tara stopped the van. "I just can't…I'm sorry…not right now."

"No problem, sweetie," Tara answered, pressing the gas again and driving to the back of the house. 

Buffy climbed out of the van and was relieved when Dawn and Raven offered to unload everything. Knowing that everyone was there was overwhelming her. The camaraderie was pulling her into an emotional abyss of hope and love that she wasn't sure she could handle at the moment. She didn't dare let herself hope too much at this point. 

Forcing herself to hurry she made her way through the back door. Thankfully only Del was in the kitchen and the older woman smiled at her.

"You look exhausted, child," Del said, crossing to where she was. "Are you hungry or thirsty?"

"I just want to get some juice," Buffy whispered. 

"Go on upstairs and lie down. I'll get one of the children to bring it to you."

Buffy hugged Del. She had never been as grateful as when this woman had walked into their lives. Del was like the grandmother she had always wished she had with a little bit of mother thrown into it. All she felt was love when Del wrapped her in a hug. It was the best feeling in the world and Buffy longed for the simpler times of childhood when the monsters under the bed could be chased away by the presence of a loving adult.

"Thank you, Del. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome. Now go on before everybody decides to come looking for you."

The hallway seemed a mile long as she pushed her exhausted body away from the temptation of the couch. It was at the bottom of the stairs that she had to really give herself a mental pep talk just to put her foot on the first step. Before she could even try the second step, he was there scooping her up in his arms. She closed her eyes and let her husband carry her upstairs. Nuzzling her face into his neck she let her hand drift across his bare chest. He smelled like sweat and wood and all man. Her man. She pressed a kiss to his neck before he sat her on the edge of the bed. When he knelt at her feet and began to remove her shoes she remembered. She had given up the rights for the loving touches from him. 

Buffy closed her eyes as he disrobed her. It was humiliating to be so dependent on another person even her husband. Her socks were pulled off before he had her stand so he could remove her jeans. There was nothing condescending or impatient about him as he cared for her. There was only gentleness in the way he touched her and talked to her. 

"Lie on your side, Buffy."

His words left no room for argument so she did as he requested. A moment later when his fingers kneaded her back loosening the tied muscles she sighed in ecstasy. Spike knew exactly where to massage her and which muscles to loosen as he eased the ache. Her legs and feet were next after he moved her to lie on her back. Her entire body was melting and she could feel the pull of sleep. 

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"No problem, Luv," Spike said, pulling her body pillow next to her so she could arrange herself in the way that was most comfortable. 

Buffy turned a little onto her side as Spike covered her with the comforter. His hand ran lovingly over her hair and she wanted to pull him down on the bed with her. She wanted to hold him and tell him of the nightmares that were with her constantly but she couldn't. Her eyes fluttered closed as she prepared to give up for a little while.

"Mummy, I brought your juice," Elijah said. "And Candy wants to take a nap with you."

Opening her eyes, she saw her son standing next to the bed with a glass in his hand. 

"Thank you, would you put it on the nightstand for me," Buffy said, too tired to even drink it at the moment. 

Spike lifted the dog to the bed and she pulled Candy close to her. The small, warm body was reassuring as it settled next to her.

"We're going to fire up the grill pretty soon," Spike said, sitting on the bed with Elijah on his lap. "Thought I'd feed everybody for all the help they gave today. Do you want me to wake you when it's done?"

Buffy wanted to. She wanted to go down and be with her family. She wanted to laugh and party and drink a quart of Xander's margaritas but it just wasn't meant to be. 

"No, all I want is sleep right now. Go on though have a good time," Buffy said, grabbing his hand when she saw the guilt on his face. "No, it's your right and I want you to for me. It's easier for me knowing that you're with people who love you."

"You're sad, Mummy," Elijah said. "Don't worry. The baby is almost here and then everybody will be happy again."

"I know, sweetheart," Buffy answered, running her hand through his curls. "Go on both of you and let this woman get much needed rest."

They both kissed her cheek before they left. She wiped the tear that wound its way down her cheek. It was too late to cry. She listened to her family laugh and play as she petted the dog. It was what she wanted if things didn't work out. She wanted Spike to be happy. 

Her hand moved to her stomach and pressed the spot where her baby was kicking her.

"I know, baby, I know," Buffy murmured. "I want to be with them too. Hopefully your Daddy will figure everything out soon and we'll be safe again."

Buffy closed her eyes and gave up trying to hold back the floodgates in her mind. It was taking too much strength and she didn't have it anymore. The nightmares began to take over her mind and whimpering she wished Spike was holding her.

_To be continued in Chapter 46 - Sanctuary_


	47. Sanctuary

**Chapter 46 – Sanctuary**

_February 14, 2008__ _8:25 PM____

Blindfolded, Buffy carefully felt for the next step before lifting her foot. She was safe. She knew that because Spike's arm was wrapped around her chest. He wouldn't let her fall. 

"Just a couple more, Luv," Spike whispered in her ear sending chills shooting through her. 

The evening so far had been romantic. Dinner, specially prepared by Del, and served by their children in the dining room had been a respite from their lives. It had been a delightful surprise after the decision she and Spike had made. Everyone was so giving to her and it was hard to believe that only a year ago it had only been the two of them having a midnight breakfast. Shaking the memories from her head Buffy took the next step. 

"That was the last one," Spike said, sliding around her to lead her further into the attic.

It had been finished the night before. Only a couple of more details and they could start moving in. His hands lifted the blindfold and Buffy blinked a couple of times before she could focus. It was beautiful. The wood along the walls and sloped ceiling had been polished until it shown. Tucked in the front corner was the nursery with white washed walls and a huge window that overlooked the side yard. The baby would benefit from the morning sun. The ceiling sloped on one side and there was soft carpeting beneath her feet. 

"It's gorgeous," Buffy said, awed by the details that her husband and friends had given to the baby's first room. 

"Bryant said that he would paint a mural if you'd like. He said to call him and tell him what you want."

It was exciting to have a new place to explore and claim. Buffy hurried to the bathroom that was next to the nursery. She gasped as she stepped into the rectangular shaped room. There were his and her sinks along one long counter. Shelves, instead of medicine cabinets, were only interrupted by two mirrors above each sink. Tucked into the corners were a stand alone shower and a large bathtub.

"William, where's the toilet?" Buffy asked, glancing around and wondering how they could have forgotten that small detail.

Spike laughed and opened a door next to the shower to reveal the missing item. 

"Privacy," Spike said. 

"That is so cool," Buffy said. "I love it."

"Let's go, there's more to see."

Spike led her across to where he had set up a small sitting area with a loveseat and two chairs.  The flat screened television hung on the wall with shelves on either side. Spike had made room in their private space for his books. Buffy ran her hands over the beloved adventures that her husband spent so much time lost in. If only they could pick one and disappear into another time or place. Someplace where they weren't a vampire and slayer and could just be an ordinary man and woman in love. This macabre life they were living wouldn't be happening and they could be normal. But it was her wish for normal was what had gotten them into this in the first place. Her desire for a home and a baby had changed everything.

"I love you," Buffy said, needing to hear the words out loud and not just as an echo inside a mind she didn't trust anymore. "Right now, here in this moment, with all my heart."

Blue eyes filled with confusion as he studied her. She had changed the rules again. The words hadn't been spoken in weeks. Assumption and actions were all they were living on now. Wishes could be cruelly twisted and never being satisfied left you unhappy. They had been happy but she hadn't let herself enjoy it and now it was costing them everything. If only somehow she could tell him everything but the price was too high for honesty. Sighing, she held her arms out to her husband and he came to her. 

"Insane slip," Buffy quipped, squeezing his hands. "Finish showing me around."

Spike kissed her and pulled her to the small kitchenette area. It wasn't like she couldn't see everything in the large open spaces. It was a game to them; letting him escort her from one 'room' to the other. Each room another present for her to marvel over as he pointed out features or designs that she had put on her wish list. 

There was a small sink and microwave along the small L-shaped counter. The small refrigerator would enable them to have snacks, drinks and blood handy. Along the front of the house was a storage unit to hold the miscellaneous junk they had accumulated over the years. Finally it was time to inspect their bedroom. 

"I ordered the bed awhile back as a surprise," Spike said, sitting on the end of it. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah, you're in it," Buffy said, taking in the king sized bed. "It's huge though. I could get lost in it."

"Don't worry. I'll find you."

The laughter was resonant of times long ago. Buffy opened the closet to hide the pain that it brought. It was a huge walk-in with shelves and drawers built in. She peeked out and grinned at her husband lying across the bed.

"This way you don't have to buy a new dresser, huh?"

"Something like that."

Buffy leaned against the door frame and took in the rest of the area. There were two windows on either side of the bed parallel to the brass headboard. The ceiling sloped all along the back wall and it gave a protective air to the space. Where the two sides met high above her, two fans with lights were hung. It was a beautiful and cozy place where they could be alone or share with the family. She could see games being played on the wood floors or personal talks held while curled up in the loveseat.

"It's like a small apartment up here."

Words were awkward and Buffy wasn't sure where to go from here. If both of them were smart, they'd go back downstairs and maintain the distance between them. But the air was crackling between them as their bodies called to join with their mate. She knew that for him to be thinking clearly Spike had to lose his emotions for her. It was almost a losing battle because Spike had always been a romantic and a slave to his heart. 

"Join me," Spike said, patting the bed. His eyes were overflowing with love and desire as he waited for her to answer. 

Giving in would only make matters worse. The pain only grew with each touch as she wondered if it would be their last. It was going to change soon and they needed to stand by the decision to let go. No magic words or steadfast love was going to fix what was wrong. If anything could at all. Maybe this would be the last time he would ever hold her and make love to her. Knowing it was selfish she went to him anyway. Greedy for his touch she took every morsel he gave her and returned it with every bit of love she held for him.

~~~~~~~~

_February 14, 2008__ _10:15 PM____

Spike eased his arm out from under Buffy and reached for his jeans. His cell phone was ringing insistently and he pulled it out of his pocket. A glance at the Caller ID let him know it was Dawn. The heel of his hand rubbed at his eyes as he tried to focus.

"Yeah, Bit, what's going on?" 

"Spike," Dawn said, hysteria tinged her words. "Willy's, it was bombed, oh my God, they're in there. Josh, the others…Raven went in to help."

"Bollocks, I'm on my way," Spike said, pulling his pants on and reached for his shirt. He tucked his phone into his pants and pulled his shirt over his head. Buffy was sitting up and he quickly explained where he was going. 

"I'm going with you," Buffy said, scrambling off the bed.

"No, please, I need to know that you are least safe."

She nodded and pulled her own clothes on and followed him. She waited while he quickly gave instructions to Sean. Spike left them with a promise that he'd bring the family home safely. The Desoto was pushed to its limit as he sped to the bar. Plumes of smoke reached into the sky from a couple of blocks away screaming the destruction of a Sunnydale institution. He turned the last corner and slammed on the brakes. Firemen were drenching the still smoking building but it looked like the fire had been put out.  Running into the crowd he looked for Dawn but she found him first. 

"Where are the others?"

"Josh, they can't find him," Dawn cried, her hands clutching him. "He went into the bathroom as soon as they went in. The ceiling collapsed. They're trying to dig him out."

"Stay here," Spike instructed, running past authority figures, ignoring their warnings to stay out. 

Coughing, Spike shifted to his demon face, needing the heightened senses in the smoke filled building. Getting his bearings he headed to the area where the bathrooms were in the back room. He could hear the sounds of material being shifted from the others digging to find Josh. Connor and Raven were trying to lift a heavy beam out of the way. Spike went to Raven's side and helped her. A large chunk of the wall that was on top of it went flying as they tossed it to the side.

"Go outside, Raven," Spike shouted. It was then that he noticed Clem, his arm hanging uselessly by his side. "Take him out of here and get him help."

His daughter didn't hesitate in wrapping her arm around their demon friend and helping him out. Spike and Connor returned to pushing the debris out of the way. Every breath was labored as he inhaled the thick smoke that still wafted from what once the inside of Willy's. His hands were seared raw as he threw aside the obstacles that were between him and his brother-in-law. Firemen came flooding into the building and the way was hastily cleared with the extra hands. In only moments the door was opened to reveal Josh lying unconscious under the wreckage of a collapsed wall. As one of the men moved to uncover him, a paramedic knelt beside him feeling for a pulse. But Spike already knew he was alive, even under the circumstances he could smell the life that flowed through the younger man's veins.

"He's breathing," one of the firemen said. "Tell them to get a board in here now."

"No, no I'm fine," Josh mumbled.

"You'd better be," Spike said, kneeling beside him. "I'm not dealing with Dawn being a grieving widow."

"Wouldn't put anyone through that misery," Josh said, feeling the back of his head. "Ouch, I think I busted my skull in."

The board was brought in and Josh was quickly strapped down. With the paramedic and firemen leading the way out, Connor and Spike followed to the clear night air. Spike took several deep breaths to clear his lungs and started hacking instead. Connor was doing the same beside him and they were led to the rescue truck. They were given oxygen masks and instructed to breathe deeply for a few moments. Feeling more human than he ever had, Spike allowed the oxygen to revive him.

"It was the Soldiers, Daddy," Raven said softly, sitting between him and Connor. Her face held a maturity that hadn't been there a scant few hours ago. "They left a message spray painted on the sidewalk. It said something about demons and humans never being of one mind."

"They were wrong," Spike answered, dropping the mask from his face. "We both hate them. Look Raven," he nodded toward the street. "You've started something that will change everything."

They looked out over the demons and humans mingling on the street. All outraged at a group that had come to their community and tried to tell them how to live. Willy was in the center of them screaming at the injustice and garnering support from both sides as well as the police. Clem was being loaded into an ambulance by humans. Voices declared that these Soldiers weren't welcome here. Things would never be the same again as both groups began to talk. 

A small hand slipped into his and Spike smiled at his daughter. He was proud of her and the stand she had made. It was almost surreal as sat on the back of a fire truck with her and the son of his Sire. He laughed at how many changes he had seen in his life time and was glad that he had seen them all.

~~~~~~~~

_February 15, 2008__ _1:20 AM____

Something was wrong.

Spike stopped the car as Candy made a stand barking at the invader to her driveway. Raven rushed from the car to pick up the small animal while Connor and he followed slowly. Spike knew he should hurry but his feet seemed to be leaden as they struggled to move. He rounded the corner of the house to find the back door standing open. His eyes closed as exhaustion crept into every pore of his being. He didn't know if he could deal with anything else tonight.

"Dad, thank god, you're home," Sean said, running from the structure. His eyes darted frantically around the back yard. "I went to the bathroom and she was gone. She's not in the house."

Despite the need to sleep, Spike felt the adrenaline rushing into his system. He took the dog and put her into Sean's arms. 

"Stay here and lock up behind us. Call us if she comes back."

"I'm sorry," Sean said, unable to make eye contact. "I shouldn't have…"

"Don't. If she wanted out then she would have gotten out somehow. Go on in," Spike said and turned to Raven and Connor. "I need you to help me."

They both agreed and as soon as the back door had locked again, they headed for the cemetery. Hesitating for a moment, Spike raised his head and searched for her scent on the night air. The lingering odor of smoke still clung to the sky above the town but he still found her. It was faint but the unique fragrance that was only Buffy sought him out and he followed it. As it became stronger, mixing with the aroma of fear and blood, he began to run toward her. The two figures behind him were forgotten as the need to protect his mate dominated everything else within him. He heard her cry, a sound that belied her frustration and pain, as he rounded the corner of a tomb. 

Buffy looked up at him as he halted in front of her. Sadness clung to her as she held the lifeless body of a man in her arms. His blood coated her lips like some kind of grotesque lipstick. A drop slid down her chin and her tongue darted out to catch it.  Though his eyes saw the scene before him, his mind could only scream at him the refrain that was his life story.

He was too late. 

Every effort he had made to protect her had failed. Buffy had slipped away into the night to feed destroying the last vestiges of the priggish and self-righteous girl he had fallen in love with.

_To be continued in Chapter 47 – Maternal Instincts_


	48. Maternal Instincts

**Chapter 47 – Maternal Instincts**

_February 15, 2008__ _1:30 AM____

Spike ignored everything else around him; Raven's horrified gasp, Connor's outraged mutterings. Even the body was ignored as he concentrated on the tiny woman looking at him in bewilderment and fear. He dropped to his knees beside her and wiped the blood from her mouth. The sight and smell of it clinging to her was sickening and he rubbed his hand against his jeans in an effort to rid himself of the sticky fluid but it clung steadfast in its refusal to disappear.  

"I was hungry," Buffy whined.   
  
"I know, Baby," Spike said softly. "Why didn't you get it from the refrigerator?"

It was a stupid question. He was trying to force his mind to work. To lose this stunned feeling and do what had to be done. He had once dreamed of the day that he could take Buffy onto the killing fields but now all he wanted to do was wake up from this nightmare. 

"It's nasty," Buffy said, as if it was all the justification she needed for the act she had just perpetrated. "It's not working." Her index finger ran along her teeth. "No fangs."

His eyes flickered to the body's throat and saw the puncture wounds that Buffy couldn't have possibly made. Spike looked around as his senses started working again. Dust coated Buffy's clothes and a stake lay next to her. She had taken a vampire's kill. Her body didn't have the speed and flexibility at this point in her pregnancy to take down a vamp. The only way she had gotten the vampire had to have been by surprising him in those few moments after the kill when the demon was sated and full.

Spike laughed, feeling nearly intoxicated with relief. He raked shaky hands through his hair and came back to himself. Standing, he pulled the body from Buffy ignoring her protests.

"No," Spike said, as she reached for it again. "We don't eat people. It's wrong." He laughed at the irony of that statement and pulled his wife over to Raven. "Take her back to the house. Don't call anyone. Don't answer the phone. Don't tell anyone what happened. Watch her and wait for me to come back. Do you understand me?"

The questions were welling up in his daughter's eyes and he waved her off.  He needed obedience.

"Raven, she didn't kill him. I'll explain later. Take her and go."

This time Raven moved. She took her mother's hand and they headed back to the house. Spike turned to Connor and could see the hate and confusion on his face. Connor hatred for vampires hadn't diminished over time. He had opened his heart enough to let Spike in because of his love for the rest of the family. His own father was still being torn in two, one moment hated, one moment loved depending on Connor's mood. 

"Are you going to help me? Or are you going to the police and turn my wife in?" 

Spike could almost see the thoughts being formed in the young man's head as they collided against one another. Love for Buffy and the baby so much like him fighting against a childhood spent in hell. Hatred for a father that hadn't protected him warred against his father's family that loved and protected him. The memories of earlier that night, of a hatred born out of prejudice alone and the young girl he loved fighting against ancient laws to bring peace to a bitter world. They were all there in the depths of his blue eyes. Until finally, black and white standards eroded until they were gray.

"I'll help you," Connor said. 

"Right then," Spike answered, returning to the body. He cupped his hands under the man's shoulders while Connor took his feet. In silence they moved. Spike led them to the oldest part of the cemetery where the graves were almost never visited. Oak trees towered over them, standing sentry to people that time and family had forgotten. He stopped in front of a crypt that was still pristine. Rumors flew among demons and humans alike of the great magic that was once held by the person interred there. No one dared risk disturbing his peace until a vampire needed protection for his wife more than he was superstitious of a wizard gone over a hundred years. 

The lock was easily broken and the door groaned in protest as Spike pushed it open. Nothing jumped out at him and he picked the body up again. Connor was getting jumpier as they stepped into the place. His eyes darted around the dark interior. 

"Raven tell you the stories?"

"Yeah, but they're just stories, right?"

"Yep, no such things as great magicks and vampires. Just tall tales to keep the kiddies in line."

They removed the lid of the sarcophagus and peered inside. Only bones and dust lay before them and they added a new body to keep the old one company. The lid was replaced, the door closed, and they stood outside for a moment. The consequences of what they had just done sunk a little further into their consciences. This time it was Connor who spoke first. 

"It was the only thing we could do."

"The only thing," Spike agreed. "Come on, we need to go and make sure everything is all right at the house."

~~~~~~~~~

_February 15, 2008__ _2:05 AM____

Xander wanted to check in with Spike before heading home.  He stopped his car behind the Desoto noting the lights still burning at the back of the house. Making his way through the back yard he could hear Buffy talking. The words were indistinct but he could tell that she was agitated. He strode across the back porch and knocked on the back door.

He had heard about the fire at Willy's from the news and after calling Buffy's to find out if any of them had been involved, had rushed down to help. Every thing was over with by the time he got there but had volunteered to take Dawn to the hospital so Spike could return home. After dropping the couple and Clem off, Xander had come to the Blood house to let them know everyone was fine.

Sean's frightened face peered out at him before the door was opened. Xander stepped into the house, scanning the room's occupants. Raven sat at the table while Buffy paced the floor. 

"What's going on?" Xander asked.

"Waiting for Dad to come back," Raven explained. "There was some kind of commotion in the cemetery and he and Connor went to check on it."

"Oh," Xander said, watching Buffy for a moment. He jerked his thumb in her direction and raised his eyebrows to silently ask what was going on. "She all right?"

Both teenagers stared at their mother for a moment, shrugged and turned their gaze to the table top. Something was definitely up and he approached Buffy slowly so as not to frighten her. She looked up at him and walked around him to continue her pacing.

"What's going on, Buffy?"

"I'm hungry. Want, need blood," Buffy muttered, her hand resting on her stomach. "Don't want that abomination." Her finger pointed at a mug sitting on the counter. "It's stale and cold. The baby doesn't like it either."

"Why don't we open another bag?" 

"No, no, still nasty. Was I wrong? Isn't that what Mummys do? Feed their baby's what is best for them. Need fresh. That vileness might hurt the wee one."

Chills ran through his body at the thought of what Buffy was saying; she wanted to drink blood from a person. His friend, the Slayer, was becoming what he hated and had hated for years. Only through time, effort and the assurance of an anchored soul had he been able to become friends with Spike. Angel was still barely tolerated. He couldn't become close to him because of the past. How could he? Vampires were monsters. Evil creatures that killed without mercy or thought to the pain they caused. 

His thoughts turned to Jesse, one of his best friends growing up and turned into a soulless demon at sixteen. What would he have done if Jesse hadn't been staked that afternoon? Would he have staked him later? Had Buffy do it? If he had known that souls were obtainable, would he have fought for one for his friend? Would he have been like Max and let Jesse feed from him while he tried to find a way to bring his friend back? 

His heart lurched as he looked at Buffy and it gave him the answer to questions that had plagued him for ten years. Xander took Buffy's hand and led her to the study. He shut the door behind them locking her children out.

"Xander, open up," Raven called, pounding on the door. "Wait until Dad comes home."

"Are you going to feed me?" Buffy asked. 

Her voice was soft with wonder as she looked up at him. 

"Yeah, I am," Xander said, sitting on the couch. He pulled his pocket knife out and opened it. "I don't know quite how to do this."

It was all she needed as she curled up in his lap. She cupped his face and nuzzled his neck, nipping gently at the side.

"I wish I could drink from there," Buffy whispered, stroking him. "It would give you more pleasure."

"Uh huh."

"It is pleasurable. Haven't you read William's book?"

Xander nodded; uncomfortable to have her on his lap and talking about pleasure as if it was going to be a sexual experience. He had heard about the thrill. Isn't that one of the reasons Riley went to a vampire whore house? Hadn't he heard Anya tell him of Buffy's experiences with Spike? Even the title of Spike's book _The Pleasure of the Bite_ said it plainly enough without having to read the erotic adventures of the characters. 

He didn't want it to be that. He didn't want to be drawn into a world that he wasn't sure he could resist. This was to help a friend and that was it. He held his wrist out, allowing her to cut it, and her eyes met his as she brought it to her mouth. Those lips he used to dream about for hours on end closed around the oozing wound. She suckled and he felt it. The delight they spoke about. It raced along his nerves, through his body and ended at his cock. This wasn't right but he couldn't stop it now. Not when she was making happy sounds at the blood that flowed into her mouth. His arm settled her closer against him and he laid his head on the back of the couch. 

Tears cascaded down his cheeks as an understanding he had never felt before came over him. Anger that he had carried for a decade eased away with his life force. Dizziness overcame him and he surrendered to the feeling of euphoria.

~~~~~~~~~~

_February 15, 2008__ _2:30 AM__

"Daddy, Daddy," Raven called.

The panic in his daughter's voice spurred Spike into a run. It had to be Buffy. Connor kept pace with him and they raced into this back yard.

"What's wrong?" Spike asked.

"Mum, Xander, I think he's feeding her," Raven gasped. "They locked the study door."

Spike swore. Neither of them had any clue how to temper the feed. Neither could listen for the fading heartbeat and the slowing of the blood; she would kill Xander. His feet barely touched the floor as he made his way to the study. He didn't even pause to knock or try the door. He went through it barely managing to stay on his feet. 

Xander was fading. His face was pale and he barely looked up as Spike and the door crashed open. Buffy stared at him. She knew she was in trouble as she crawled off of her friend's lap and backed up. Ignoring her for the moment Spike knelt next to Xander. 

"Xander, wake up mate," Spike said, slapping his face. "Come on, don't do this."

"Did I hurt him?" Buffy asked her eyes huge in her confusion. "He fed me and I gave him pleasure."

"Sorry Spike," Xander whispered, opening his eyes. "She was hungry and I…I wanted to help."

"Yeah, well no more getting pleasure with my wife without me supervising," Spike growled. "You could have been dead pretty soon."

"You're not mad?" 

"After this night, I'm just happy that everybody is alive," Spike said. _Well, except for the dead guy I just hid. "Time to get up and walk around. Get whatever blood you got left pumping and pour some juice down your throat."_

Spike hoisted Xander up and with an arm wrapped around his waist they made their way into the kitchen. Propping his friend up against the counter, Spike opened the refrigerator and handed the orange juice to Xander.

"Drink it. Get your blood sugar up again."

While Xander drank, Spike went to get Buffy. She was curled in his chair, wrapped in the afghan, rocking back and forth. It was time to make decisions again. With each step further into the madness, there were more decisions to make and more ways to cover up and hide what she was doing. He wasn't sure if he stopped to think about it if he would do it differently. If he would find somewhere else where she would be protected or if he would continue to protect her the only way he knew how. 

"Don't baby, it's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of everything."

"Promise?" Buffy asked, clutching at his hands. She was coming back to herself again and he knew what she had done frightened her. "It was wrong. I know it was but the hunger…it was too much...calling to me, it did."

Spike couldn't tell her that he was frightened too. He wasn't sure how much longer he could pretend to the world that everything was fine. Her actions were bearing more consequences with each passing day. Bowing his head he made the choice that he knew had been a long time coming. Kissing her hands, he murmured his assent, and stood.

"Stay here. I'll come for you soon."

Buffy nodded, wrapping herself tighter into a ball. Even she was beyond tears at this point. Spike closed the door behind him and returned to the kitchen. Xander was still standing, watching him as he came closer.

"You okay?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better," Xander said. "Walk me to my car."

The pair was silent until they reached Xander's truck. Spike waited while his friend gathered his thoughts. Spike stood; hands stuffed into his pockets, studying the ground at his feet. This conversation was going to hurt either way and he wanted to know what Xander was thinking first. Maybe if the fates could be with him but he knew they wouldn't. Spike exhaled, a long and slow breath, as he looked up into the one person who knew him almost as well as his wife and Angel.

"What happened tonight?"

"Don't ask questions that I can't answer," Spike said. 

"What can I do to help?"

"Nothing."

"Damn it, let me help," Xander said, slamming his fist into the side of the truck. "You know how much I love her. Don't shut me out."

Everyone was depending on him. Everyone was waiting for his next move. Everyone's future rested in his hands. His demon stirred. Its interest peaked at the situation. The Spike that had existed since he had been chipped found himself floundering under the responsibility that was laid on his shoulders. The joke Spike, the muscle Spike, the Buffy whipped Spike and the domesticated husband and father Spike faded as the Spike he had once been reasserted itself. Once upon a time control and power had come easy to him. The Master Vampire that had caused terror and ruled minions found himself needed and he answered the call eagerly. 

Decisions snapped into place as the power flowed through his ego again. This was his family. Where once he had been the outcast and only one of Buffy's side kick, it was now up to him to lead them.  Buffy was incapacitated and incapable of making choices for them leaving him to take control. Spike stepped closer to Xander and cupped his friend's face in his hands. 

"I know how much you love her," Spike said, talking as if to a child. "How much you love us but not this time." He leaned into Xander when he tried to pull away. "Listen to me. It's not because you can't help, or I don't want you to, it's because of your family. I'm not going to ask for help from any of you. All of you have too much to risk and I won't do it. Do you understand? Aidan and Jessy come first before this. Connor has no such responsibility."

Xander's hands clutched at his waist as tears flowed down his cheeks and over Spike's fingers. 

"Something really bad happened and you're going to run, aren't you?"

"I can't answer that, mate, the less you know the better off you are."

Spike found himself shoved away as anger vibrated through the human. Once Xander and the others would have fled with them but it couldn't be asked anymore. If he decided to go only his immediate family would go. It all depended on whether the police came looking for them again. He knew places and owned property where no one would ever find them. Money was already in overseas bank accounts should they ever need it. It just wasn't something that he wanted to do or do to his children. But he would protect them the best way he knew how.

"Fine, do whatever, but I swear if I ever hear of the Blood Family Singers**, I won't listen," Xander said, climbing into his truck. He hesitated after he started the motor, glanced up quickly and muttered, "I love you, too."

Spike pulled his friend from the truck and wrapped his arms around him. The two clung to each other for a moment before letting go. Hopefully, the day would come again when Spike could call him for help or friendship again. For now he needed to push the others away. With regret he watched the boy drive away. Slowly he faced the house again and sighing, he walked inside to his family. It was time to take the next steps. 

The three young people sat around the kitchen table looking up as he walked in. There were so many emotions in their faces; confusion, isolation, fear, and love but also the need for assurance that things would work out. Spike studied them for a moment and knew he had to give them honesty. 

"She didn't kill that man. He was already dead when she got there but if someone…anyone else saw her, she'll be the one to pay the price. With her past and the suspicion of Nikki still lingering, we'll lose her. I need to know if you are willing to stand by her and keep this a secret."

"Are you going to kill us if we aren't?" Raven asked, her emotions bringing out her sarcasm in a feeble attempt at a joke.

There was a time that he would have. The family unit was to be protected at all costs and the sacrifice of one or more was acceptable to achieve that end. Spike smiled and shook his head. Today there were other ways.

"If you want out, I will have your memories erased of the time spent with us. And I'll find someplace safe for you to live."

"You can do that?" Sean asked, fear lacing his question.

"Yes, it's possible and I will do it to protect her and you. The choice is yours though."

Footsteps padded on the tile behind him and Spike raised his arm allowing Buffy close to his body. He kissed her on the temple as he waited.

"I'm in," Sean said. "This is my family and I'm not giving it up."

"Me too," Raven echoed.

All eyes fell to Connor as he once again struggled with a decision. He looked at each of them before turning to Spike.

"This baby is the only one that I know that is similar to me. It's going to need me to help it understand," Connor whispered and ducked his head. "I'm in."

Spike exhaled the breath he hadn't know he was holding. "All right, Connor I need you to do me a favor. Give me a second." He turned to head to the study when Raven stopped him.

"Daddy, I feel like its kind of anti-climatic just to say we're in. Shouldn't we, I don't know, have like a ceremony or something?"

They were children in age but in life and pain they were older than many people would ever be. A ritual, like a marriage ceremony, would give them the assurances they needed. Spike closed his eyes for a second remembering the rites he had participated in as a vampire. Allegiances and enemies formed over the spilling of blood. Maybe they all needed the return to roots that had been forgotten by many. 

Spike reached into the cabinet and removed a wine glass, searched the drawer for a sharp enough knife before returning to the table. The glass was placed in the center and the three children stood in respect of what they knew was a sacred ceremony. Buffy returned to his side as his mate. Her body danced to the excitement that vibrated from her being. He looked each of them in the eye before he cut his palm and let blood flow into the glass. The words that once would have been spoken were changed to fit the new family.

"I offer my blood to you as a sign that I accept leadership of this clan. I will lead with love and honesty. I give you my strength and will lay down my life to protect its members."

Buffy was first and he knew somehow that the words would flow easily from her lips. Her blood joined his.

"I offer my blood to you as a sign that you have my allegiance and will follow where you dictate. My obedience will be given without question and will give you my life and my heart as your mate."

One by one the children gave him their hand so that their blood could be mingled. They repeated Buffy's word changing the word mate for child. It was only at Connor that Spike hesitated.

"If you do this than you must also accept your father as part of it. He is my Sire and has ultimate power over us."

Connor stretched out his hand to join them. Spike picked up the glass that held their blood and swirled it until they were completely mixed. He took a sip and staggered backwards from the power and magic that was contained within. The blood of two Slayers, two Lankasha and the son of two vampires was a heady mix. Even if Raven and Sean had no visible powers, it was there, simmering beneath the surface available to future generations. His demon roared to the surface at the offerings it was given, wanting and demanding more. It was all Spike could do to contain the need to feed from these vessels that were now his. Gaining his composure he straightened and spoke the next words.

"I drink the blood of the family to show my loyalty is first to its members. It is to be protected and nurtured before any other relationships."

The glass was handed to Buffy; she took a sip, made her vow and passed it to Connor. Spike watched as his family became one. The looks of revulsion that passed over their faces as they tasted blood for the first time was amusing. Raven, for all her bravado, gagged as she swallowed it. The boys teased her and took their share as manly as possible. The glass was returned to him and he drank the rest with greed. It was an offering that would probably never happen again and he wasn't going to let the opportunity go. 

"Okay, I need ice cream to get rid of that taste," Raven said, opening the freezer. "Anyone else want some?"

"Just bring it here," Buffy said. 

The container was put in the middle of the table and Raven handed spoons to everyone. They started to eat while Spike returned to his study. He could hear their laughter and conversation as he searched through Sean's school papers on his computer. Choosing a two-page history report, Spike meticulously changed certain words to insert a coded message within the content. It would be sent to Angel for him to set things up in case they needed to flee. 

Spike printed the pages out and slipped them into a folder before returning to the kitchen. 

"Connor," Spike said and waited until the young man stood. "Take this to your father. Tell him everything including that you love him. He'll know about the ritual as soon as he sees you. Be honest." He handed him the folder and pulled Connor into a hug. "Be careful."

Spike watched as his messenger said good-bye to the others. He even tolerated the quick kiss that was given to Raven along with promises to return. The boy he once disliked and now his accomplice fled into the night, taking with him the family's future. It was an uneasy feeling but he had to trust someone. Spike looked over his family still at the table with a melted bucket of ice cream in front of them. He smiled and held his hand out to Buffy. 

"I think it's time for bed," Spike said. 

"May as well stay up," Raven said. "Only a couple of hours until school starts."

"Skip it. Let's make it a long weekend," Spike answered, leading Buffy from the room. "That okay, wife?"

"Sounds good to me."

Spike laughed as the kids whooped and ran for their rooms. It had been a long and hellish night. They all deserved some rest and he was feeling indulgent. A few minutes later he was curled around Buffy in their bed. In spite of everything he felt peaceful as he listened to her breath and felt his baby move beneath his hand. Maybe things were about to change…

_To be continued in Chapter 48 - Unholy Alliances…._

**Author's Note: This was a reference to the Von Trapp Family Singers. The family fled Hitler-invaded Austria in 1938. The family sang to survive and was immortalized in the movie _The Sound of Music_. 


	49. Unholy Alliances

 Chapter 48 – Unholy Alliances

_February 15, 2008__ _6:48 AM____

"Dad, you awake," Connor called, rapping on the door to his father's suite. 

He fidgeted while he waited. This confrontation wasn't something he was looking forward to. The last nine hours had been surreal. All he had wanted was to hang out with Clem and Josh. Shoot some pool; drink a couple of beers before heading home. Instead he had been involved in a bombing, the cover up of a crime, and a vampire blood ritual. Not bad for a guy who only wanted peace and quiet in his life. 

The door was yanked open and his father loomed over him.  Connor shook off his unease. He hated that the mere size of his father intimidated him. No matter how old he would get, he would still look like a child next to Angel.  He stood as straight as he could and looked into those brown eyes filled with curiosity and concern.

"Connor," Angel exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Are you all right? Did something happen?"

Spike had said it would happen. It did. Angel growled and leaned closer to him, sniffing at him. Connor blushed under his father's inspection. Didn't he realize how much he resembled a dog when he did that? It was a wonder that vampires didn't sniff people's asses and crotches. Connor shifted his weight from one foot to the other. 

"Spike," Angel said, looked at him perplexed. "And blood? A ritual?"

Not sure what to say, Connor thrust the folder at him. 

"Are you going to answer my questions?" Angel asked, sighing and running his hand through his hair. "Any of them?"

"After you read."

Angel nodded, "Let's go downstairs." 

Relieved that his father wasn't berating him for something, Connor followed him down to his office. As he settled into the chair in front of the desk, he realized he was more comfortable here than he was in Angel's personal space. It was part of keeping his father out of his heart. In the intervening years since he returned from Quor'toth, his father had tried to build a relationship with him. But always Connor pushed him away. At one time he must have trusted the vampire completely, dependent on him for food and warmth. Then it was taken away in an instant. The moment that Wesley had scooped him up out of his bassinette, life had become hell for him. 

Raven believed in happy endings. Even now with Buffy drifting further away, she believed that somehow her family would be reunited. Connor knew it wouldn't happen without great cost. What would his life been like if he had remained here? Would he believe in happy endings if he had grown up with his father and Cordelia instead of Holtz in that hell dimension? 

Angel looked up from where he had been reading Spike's message, "Tell Spike it's taken care of."

Connor nodded. He had been dismissed so he stood.

"I'll let him know." 

For a moment father and son stood across the desk from the other, their stances uncomfortable.

"Connor, why don't you stay for a little while? I'll fix you breakfast and you can tell me your side of things. Maybe answer those questions."

Connor finally understood his father would never give up on him. Angel would wait until the end of time for his son to return to him. No matter how many times Connor rejected him; Angel would find an opportunity to offer peace again. 

"Okay, I'd like that."

Angel moved to the door but something held Connor back. He knew what it was. Spike had told him to say it. 

"Dad," Connor said, waiting until Angel turned. "I love you."

It was said and it felt a huge burden had been lifted from him. It was something that he had wanted to say for a long time. Fear had held him back that maybe if he let go, he'd lose again. But from watching Spike, he found that you lost if you didn't let go. He waited as the emotions flickered across Angel's face and then his arms were held out to him.

"I love you, too, son."

Connor was enveloped in his father's arms and he knew he was finally home.

~~~~~~~~

_March 2, 2008__7:20 PM_

Spike shifted in his chair, his fingers turning to the next page in his book, and he glanced over at Buffy napping on the couch. So, far things had been quiet. No police knocking on the door, just a small article on the third page of the newspaper identifying a missing local man. He had left behind a frantic girlfriend and parents. Guilt kept hounding Spike at how the family must be worried not knowing what had happened to him. Every time it made itself known, Spike would push it away. Life was about survival and his wife was more important than their need to know. What was the idiot doing in the cemetery in the middle of the night anyway? So, if you wanted to justify it, if the man had been smart then he wouldn't have died. 

Buffy gave a delicate snore and kicked her covers off. Sighing, Spike stood and pulled it over her again. His fingers drifted over her cheek for a moment before he straightened. She seemed to be terrified all the time now. Her slumber was restless again, clinging to him when she did manage to fall asleep. He had found her crying a few times but she wouldn't tell him why except to say that it was everything. He had considered calling Willow to see if there was a way to join their minds together so he could see what was scaring her. But he didn't. He knew the risks and would keep his promise to put their children first.

"Sir," Bryant said, from the door. The young man shuffled, still uncomfortable in this house of supernatural beings and Spike knew Bryant was afraid of him. "I finished the mural. Would you like to see it?"

Spike nodded, glanced down at Buffy to make sure she was sleeping peacefully before stepping out of the study. Leading the way, Spike made his way up to the attic. Sean was waiting for them and he stepped out of the way when they appeared. At first he didn't see it. The mural was of a meadow with cute lambs playing on green grass, fluffy white clouds and a sun. He doubted it when he did see it. Spike blinked and stepped closer, his fingers hovering over the painting. It was. Around the sun were three stars; the symbol of Aurelius. 

"Buffy asked you to paint this?" Spike asked, looking over his shoulder at Bryant.

"Yes, she did. She even gave me a sketch to follow. Did I do something wrong?"

"No, it's perfect actually," Spike said, shaking his head. "Look why don't you head downstairs. I need to do something. Sean, keep your ear out for Buffy."

"Dad, you sure everything is all right? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"I'm fine; go on, I'll be down in a bit."

Spike dialed the number for Angel. His mind swirled with questions as he waited for his Sire to answer the phone. His emotions bounced from one extreme to the other. One moment he wanted to grieve for his wife and the next he wanted to run. It had been such a battle to become the man he was. A battle fought in love for the woman who seemed intent on dragging him back to who he was once.

"Hello," Angel answered. 

"Hang on," Spike said, and pushed the buttons to call Giles for a three way conversation. The phone rang only a couple of times before Kate picked up the phone. "It's Spike, is Rupert around?"

"Yeah, sure sweetie, hold on," Kate said. 

They could hear her call for her husband and then he was there.

"Hello, Spike, is everything okay?"

 "No emergencies," Spike said with a laugh. He was beginning to feel like he needed to start every conversation with an update. "Bryant just showed me the mural that Buffy requested."

"You called us for that?" Angel asked sarcastically. "Aren't the lambs cute enough?"

"Oh, they're adorable. Tell me are there any prophecies about sacrificial lambs for the Order of Aurelius?"

A part of him enjoyed the stunned silence from Angel and the gasp from Giles. 

"What does Aurelius have to do with the mural?" Angel asked. His words exact and slow as if he was trying to wake from a nightmare. 

"Nice scene of those fluffy little animals frolicking under the symbol of Aurelius. Is that enough explanation?"

"Yes, I think it is," Giles said. "As a matter of fact I think it's the first real clue we've had. It will narrow the field quite a bit."

"Do you think it was a deliberate clue or just another symptom…?" Angel asked.

"Of her delusions," Spike finished. "I don't know. I'm trying to think, remember, I spend so much time just trying to deal I don't really pay attention to her ramblings."

"Maybe you need to," Giles said, quietly. "Look I'm not trying to add more to your shoulders. God knows you have enough as it is. But maybe she has been trying to tell us something and none of us have been listening."

"Don't William," Angel chided. "Giles is right. You've got a hell of a lot going on. It's the ones that aren't around her all the time that should have noticed something. You're with her constantly. It would be harder for you to see."

Angel knew him too well. It was exactly what Spike was doing. Blaming himself for missing something that might be crucial to what was happening to his wife. If he'd been blinded to something she'd been trying to tell him and had left her in that hell because of it, he didn't know if he'd ever forgive himself.

"I think all of us need to get together and brainstorm," Giles said. "To try and figure something out. I'm assuming at this point we all agree it isn't insanity but something else."

"Yes," Spike said. "I don't know, Giles, I honestly don't know. Are we grasping at straws just so we don't have to accept the truth?"

"Giles is right," Angel said. "We all need to get together and talk. Everybody needs to write down anything; no matter how ludicrous it sounds that she might have said to us. Maybe we'll find a pattern or things we should have seen."

"Is everyone from LA coming to the baby shower?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, we'll be there for sure," Angel said. "Do it then?"

"It will give us all time to do some more research on this new development," Giles said, "and to see if we can remember something."

"Watch her, Spike, write down everything she says or does. Have the kids do the same," Angel instructed. "Let us know. We can move this up if we need."

A minute later after brief good-byes, the three hung up the phone. Spike sat on the top step, wrapping his arms around his knees and felt the weight of his life press on his shoulders. His mind began to search for something that she might have said or done. But why didn't she just tell him? Why all those secrets that she kept so hidden from him? Was there something or someone preventing her from turning to him?

~~~~~~~~

_March 15, 2008_4:45 PM____

The baby shower was still raging on. Her family was still everywhere, eating and joking as if today was like every other day.  Buffy took another bite of her salad and looked around at everyone that was gathered in the kitchen.

Angel and Cordelia being cute and giggly as she tried to feed him cake. Angel didn't eat food. Didn't she know that? Buffy shrugged and once again marveled that her ex had won a game that needed a lot of knowledge of baby supplies. It showed the devotion he must have had when Connor was a baby. It was good that father and son had made up. Buffy hadn't seen Angel looking that happy in quite a while.

Dawn and Raven were talking about the men in their lives while they piled another platter with sandwiches. Apparently Josh was still playing the sympathy card with Dawn to get extra loving. Buffy scrunched up her nose at the thought of her little sister being sexually active. It was just a total ick factor. She stood, putting her plate in the sink and discreetly trying to figure out where her husband was. He was laughing somewhere and she realized he was on the phone when he said 'Max'. Their friend hadn't made it to the party because they were waiting for some information on the stalker. Max had assured them that she would be arrested within a couple of days.

With another quick glance around, Buffy made her way to the back door. It was like being in prison and she wondered how Faith had stood being locked away. The door closed behind her and she breathed deeply taking in the sweet scent of being alone. All day she had been questioned and studied as her family tried to figure out what was going on with her. She wanted to be free of it for just a moment.

Buffy hesitated, making sure that no one was following her outside, before she headed to the back wall. Her fingers ran across the magnolia bushes, pausing to inhale their sweet scent. The back door opened and she sighed. Someone was coming. There was no way that they'd allow Buffy to wander around unsupervised. She looked over her shoulder to see Cordelia making her way across the back yard.

"Hi, Buffy, what are you doing?"

"Trying to catch a moment alone," Buffy said, turning to head back to the house.

Cordelia's fake friendliness was not something she wanted to deal with at the moment. There was too many things going on and the droning from her head was irritating her.

"I wanted to talk to you for a minute," Cordy said, halting Buffy with a hand on her upper arm. She waited until the Slayer turned around before continuing. "I know everyone has been doing this whole coddling routine and trying so obviously to be unobvious about asking you questions. But I'm not."

"You're not," Buffy said, knowing there had to be a catch, there always was with Angel's wife. Her snark factor had only grown over the years.

"No, I'm not," Cordy said, smiling with all those teeth showing. "No, I'm telling you. I've known all along that you weren't insane. You've always been wacko but not insane. So, why don't you quit this game or whatever you think you're doing and let up on your poor husband?"

"Do you love Connor?" Buffy asked, the back of her fingers brushing against the brunette's cheek. The smiled vanished from Cordelia's face and Buffy smiled. "Do you?"

"Of course I love Connor."

"Do you love him like a…son?"

"I'm not playing this game," Cordelia said, batting Buffy's hand away from her. "If you have something to say, just say it."

Buffy leaned closer and whispered, "I know the truth."

"What truth?"

It worked. Cordelia was hooked. There was a flash of fear in her eyes before she resumed her standard princess stance. It wouldn't last.

"How you must have hated Darla for the very act of conception? She had what you wanted. The craving for Angel's flesh, grinding into you, fucking you senseless and you couldn't have him. Could you? Not then."

"I'm not listening to this."

Cordelia stepped away but it was Buffy stopping her now.

"Then there was Connor. The child you wanted to create with Angel. You were his mother in so many ways, changing his diaper, cuddling him to your breast, wishing that he could nurse from your teat. Wesley stole away your baby, your dreams, and your hope that you'd be a family."

"Don't Buffy," Cordelia pleaded, tears filling her eyes. "How can you be so cruel?"

"I'm not. The truth is so liberating. Don't worry. I won't tell them," Buffy said, taking the other woman's hand. "I won't tell how when Connor came back that you wanted him. He was a child still but a man in so many ways. He adored you, wanted you, looked at you like Angel never had. And for a moment, just a moment, you wondered what it would be like to fuck him since you couldn't have the father."

The slap didn't even sting. It was welcome. 

"Shut up, you don't know anything. If you even think about spreading these lies, I'll make you pay."

Buffy laughed because it was the truth. They both knew it. If it wasn't then Cordelia wouldn't be so upset.

"It seems a family trait. William wanted so badly to crawl back into his mother, and Connor wanted to do the same. Maybe it's why Angel's father hated him so much," Buffy said her laughter louder with each sentence. "This family is so incestuous."

Through eyes that had narrowed to slits, Buffy watched her old enemy run to the house. A part of her felt triumphant at hurting the other woman and a part of her ached for Cordelia. If only they understood but it was already too late. 

~~~~~~~~

_March 15, 2008_9:20 PM____

The house was blessedly quiet. Raven and Sean had gone to the movies with Fred and Wesley. Cordelia had refused to stay at the house and had gone to a hotel with Angel along with the rest of the LA gang. Elijah was sleeping and Spike was downstairs leaving Buffy to tend to business. 

An open suitcase lay on the bed where Buffy was packing the few things she knew she'd need. The baby carrier was the last item to be stuffed inside before she forced the lid down. She put it inside the closet in case things didn't go according to plan. Next, she checked on her son and decided to let him sleep until the last minute. 

Closing her eyes, Buffy tried once more to convince herself this was the only way. She knew it was. It wasn't like she had a choice. She didn't need any more reminders of who was in control. It was time and she made her way down to the living room where Spike was watching a movie.

"Would you like some wine?" Buffy asked, running her hands along his shoulders and down his arms. 

"That would be nice," Spike answered, pulling her down for a kiss. 

Buffy allowed him the kiss, enjoying the feel of his tongue as it invaded her mouth. She teased it with her own and wished she had the time to make love to him. To let him know one last time how much she loved him. In spite of what she'd said that day, she would never let go of him. Never let go of the love she had for him. It was the only thing keeping her sane. 

She poured out two glasses of red wine, glanced over her shoulder and pulled a small packet out of her jeans. The mixture of powdered herbs were almost black and a shiver of fear ran through her at what she was about to do. It had been her choice. She was the one who had stolen it from the Magic Box after careful research and idle conversation with Anya. Sighing she opened it and poured the contents into the glass for Spike. After throwing the packet into the trash, she mixed Spike's wine with her finger. 

Taking the glasses, Buffy returned to sit next to her husband on the couch. It shouldn't take long for it to take effect if he would drink enough. She cuddled into his side so that he couldn't reach the table and had to hold onto his drink. It worked as he absently sipped the liquid, finishing half the glass in only a few minutes. Her head was nestled against his chest and she could hear his heart beat slowing and feel his body starting to sweat. He knew something was wrong as he shook his head. Buffy pulled away and stood.

"Don't fight it, Baby," Buffy pleaded as he tried to stand. "Let it take you under."

"What have you done?"

Sobbing, she stepped out of the way of his hand reaching for her. She hated this. She hated doing this to him. If only things could have been different. Spike staggered as the herbs took effect and he fell crashing onto the table. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Buffy cried, as she saw the hurt of her betrayal shining in his eyes. "I love you, remember that."

It was over. Spike was unconscious. Buffy lifted him onto the couch and covered him with the afghan. Her fingers drifted along the planes of his face, her beautiful man, such a contrast of life itself. He carried the extremes of nature within him in perfect balance, love and hate, good and evil, he had seen both sides of every emotion and let it mature him into the creature he was. How could she ever have garnered the love of one such as him? She knew when this was over, the chances of that love being lost was very real. Everyone has a breaking point and how much hurt could one heart take? She kissed his cheek and returned upstairs.

Buffy grabbed the suitcase and went to wake Elijah.

"Is it time, Mummy?"

"Yes," Buffy answered, helping him to dress. 

Tears slipped down her cheeks as she left their home and lead them through the cemetery. Elijah stumbled, still half asleep, and she picked him up, making their progress slower. Someone appeared before them, a vampire, and he reached for her son.

"No, I'll carry him," Buffy said, refusing to turn her son over. 

She handed him the suitcase and took his arm to help keep her balanced as they continued to the entrance road. It wasn't a surprise when she saw the limousine waiting for them. She placed Eli back on the ground and held tight to his hand. The minion hurried forward to put her suitcase in the trunk so he could open the back door. Buffy held her breath as another vampire stepped out of the back.

It was him. The face she had seen countless times in her nightmares. 

"Dagon," Buffy said, a chill ran along her spine at seeing him in person. 

The vampire before her was handsome. His tall, dark looks bore a striking resemblance to Angel but she knew Dagon lacked the other's style. He was a wannabe that could never quite measure up. The execution and delivery of his plans lacked the grace and beauty of Angelus' legend. His evil was heavy-handed and often without enjoyment of what he wrought.

Buffy allowed him his game. Let him lift her hand in greeting, kissing her palm with cold, emotionless lips.

"Believe me when I say it is honor to finally meet you in person, Mrs. Blood, "Dagon said, "The woman who domesticated William the Bloody."

Buffy only nodded. It was time this monster found out who he was dealing with and if he really thought Spike was domesticated it would only make his downfall easier.

"Shall we," Dagon said, sweeping his hand toward the car. 

He reached to help her in and she accepted it begrudgingly. Elijah crawled in first, followed by his mother, clutching her hand as he stared at the vampire already seated in the car. 

"Hello my little prince," the woman said, holding her arms out to Elijah. "We can play such games again. You will love the castle where we are going to live."

"Is that my dark mummy?" Elijah asked pointing to Drusilla, and at Buffy's nod, he darted to her, cuddling in her lap as they lost themselves in talk of the game they could resume.

Dagon settled next to Buffy, "Isn't this nice? The beginnings of a family reunited…"

_To be continued in Chapter 49 – Unravel_

Author's Note: Thank you to Vette for cluing me in about the Order of Aurelius. And a reminder that in the Baby world Cordelia never ascended to a higher plane so she was by Angel's side during the whole Connor crisis. 


	50. Unravel

**Chapter 49 – Unravel**

_March 15, 2008_11:45 PM____

Raven knew something was wrong. She approached the house cautiously. Her Slayer senses were on full alert. The house was brightly lit which for her parents was unusual. They liked the lights dimmed with lots of candles burning especially when they were alone. She took a quick look behind her to make sure everybody was ready. Fred was right behind her while Wesley and Connor flanked her. They were as tense as she was and she turned the knob to an unlocked house. The alarm didn't beep and she reached for the hand axe they kept in the small bench in the foyer. 

Connor took off down the hallway toward the kitchen, Wesley and Fred turned into the dining room leaving Raven to step into the living room. Nothing and she walked toward the couch looking for the remote to turn the television off. She saw the broken table, took a look around, and peered over the couch and saw Spike.

"Dad, Dad," Raven said, rushing around to kneel in front of her father. "In here," she shouted as she shook Spike again. "Wake up, come on."

Wesley pushed her hands aside and felt for a pulse. "He's alive." After looking for any injuries, his gaze swept the living room and he pointed to the wine glass on the floor. "He was probably drugged."

"Mum," Raven said in alarm and took off running upstairs. She returned just a few moments later. "Mum and Elijah are both gone."

She watched as Wesley reached for his cell phone and punched in a code. She didn't need to ask. He'd called for Angel.

~~~~~~~~

_March 15, 2008_10:45 PM____

_It was a castle_, Buffy thought as the car pulled into a long driveway. The house was built with stones and large windows with turrets that stood guard on either side. She put her hand on Elijah's shoulder as he bounced in excitement at seeing the house. He was going to be able to play in the place he had only been told about in stories for months now. 

Another servant rushed out when the car stopped. The door was opened and they were helped out as the driver retrieved Buffy's suitcase. 

"This way ma'am," the servant said leading the way into the house. "My name is Roderick and if there is anything that you need, please let me know."

Buffy noted with surprise that Roderick was human even though she had heard from Angel and Spike that this happened. Vampires employed someone who could do things for them that could only be done during the day and the humans were paid extremely well for keeping quiet about their employer's activities. She followed him into a huge foyer that was open to the top of the house. The house was beautiful and seemed to have stopped in a time long before this one. It reminded her of English manors she had only seen in movies

"Buffy," Dagon, said resting his hand on her lower back. "There will be plenty of time for exploring tomorrow. Please, allow Roderick to show you to your suite and get some sleep. I will join you for breakfast and we will talk then."

"I want to play with Eli," Dru said, holding the boy's hand. "It is still early. The stars have barely begun to shine."

"No, Dru," Dagon said, taking her hand from Eli's and pulled her against him. "I told you that we must conform to their schedule for now." He kissed her cheek and turned back to Buffy. "Please tell Roderick if you need or want for anything. This is your home now and I want you to be comfortable."

"Thank you," Buffy whispered, taking her son's hand and followed the servant up the stairs. She wondered if Spike had been discovered and if they were beginning the search or if her husband had washed his hands of her. She knew though he would come for his children. He had promised so she knew he wouldn't break it. She only hoped that he figured things out so he was prepared. 

"Mr. Dagon has given you a suite with a private bath," Roderick said, opening the door. "A twin bed has been placed in your room for Elijah. Everything is made up and there is a wet bar in the sitting room with drinks and snacks for you. If you would like something more substantial, please let me know."

"I'm sure we'll be fine," Buffy said, walking around her new quarters. It was more than comfortable with a couch and chair in front of a fireplace. The bedroom held a four poster bed for her and a small child's bed tucked in the corner. "Thank you."

For a moment the servant looked uncomfortable. He seemed to gather his courage and looked up at her. "The master has requested that tomorrow that you wear the clothes he has picked out for you. They are in the closet. And, of course, your door will be locked but just pull the cord if you need anything. I was also told to inform you that the house and grounds are heavily guarded."

"I was expecting that," Buffy said, a minute smile tickling her lips. "It's all right."

Roderick nodded and slipped away.

"Time to get you back into bed," Buffy said smiling at her son. Dagon was right. There was plenty of time for them to cope with their new surroundings tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_12:22 AM__

Angel was furious.

Everyone was panicking as they planned search parties. His people were there already, Sean had returned home after dropping Bryant off, Raven's Scoobettes were there, Giles and Xander were on their way. Spike was still fighting nausea from the herbs and was in the bathroom trying to regain his equilibrium. Chaos was reigning and he was sick of it. 

"Shut up, now," he shouted, catching everyone's gaze briefly. "Do you really think she just got lost in a delusional state? Buffy drugged Spike. It was planned. Think. She didn't take the cars or even her purse. She didn't have any money. So, obviously she has someone helping her."

"Controlling her," Spike said, stepping into the room. "I saw her face. She didn't want to do this. Someone is forcing her to do it."

"The stalker," Raven said.

"Thank you," Angel said. "Someone is thinking. Hand me a phone now." He quickly dialed a number and waited until Max answered the phone. "Buffy is missing. We're thinking it might be the stalker."

"What do you mean Buffy is missing?" Max answered. "What happened?"

"That's why I'm calling you," Angel said, wanting to throttle the other man for not immediately giving him the information he needed. "Spike was drugged and Buffy disappeared. He says someone was forcing her so we thought it might be this stalker you're inept ass can't find."

"It can't be her," Max said. "We arrested her two hours ago."

"Who is she? Any chance she is working with someone who might be in on this?" 

"I don't think so," Max said. "She's a secretary that lives in a little town north of Atlanta. She's an obsessed fan, pictures of Spike framed all over the house, even runs a website dedicated to him."

Angel ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head to let everyone know that it wasn't the stalker. "So, this is absolutely no help at all."

"Not entirely," Max said. "She's confessed to just about everything but she denies having anything to do with the attack on Nikki."

~~~~~~~~

_March 15, 2008_12:45 PM____

Elijah was asleep, so trusting and innocent, holding no fear in this new place. To him it was the place his dark Mummy had told him about. Buffy knew it was for the best that he considered this an adventure and not the nightmare that she did. Sleep wouldn't come and she rolled onto her back again. She missed her husband and children, her home and her own bed. 

A scraping noise startled her and she sat up. Her eyes searched the darkness for the source and her eyes widened as the bookshelf swung back. She grasped for the stake beneath her pillow comforted by the feel of wood in her hand. The idiot Dagon hadn't had her searched. His arrogance at her compliance was making him careless. A momentary grin lit up her face at the thought of turning the bastard into dust. 

The warm glow of a candle preceded Drusilla into the bedroom. Her hand touched a spot on the wall and it closed again. Buffy watched as she put the candle down and approached her son. Relaxing, she left the stake under the pillow and smiled at the tiny vampire tucking the covers closer around Elijah.

"Does Dagon know you're here?" Buffy asked. 

"It doesn't matter," Dru said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "The same key holds us both."

Cool fingers danced across her cheek. Buffy had almost forgotten how it felt to be caressed by fingers so dead. She closed her eyes as she leaned into the hand, acknowledging that Drusilla was right. It wouldn't do Dagon any good to keep them physically separated when their minds had been joined for so long.  Only death could tear them apart now and Buffy suspected even that wouldn't work. Too many moments shared, too many memories recalled, and one soul torn between them. 

"Did he hurt you tonight?" Buffy asked, and at Drusilla's nod slid from the bed to retrieve a wet clothe. She sat behind Spike's former love. "Lift your gown and I'll clean it for you."

The pale back bore the marks of Dagon's whip and Buffy's eyes filled with tears as she wiped the blood away. The vampire's games held no love, no possession, and no respect for the girl he had chosen to stand beside him. Drusilla was nothing but a stepping stone for what he really wanted. In the preceding months when Drusilla had fled into her mind, Buffy had borne the brunt of Dagon's tyranny and knew the coldness of his rule. 

'Don't cry," Drusilla whispered, turning to face Buffy and cupping her cheek again. "It will go away soon. It always does."

"He shouldn't," Buffy protested, shaking her head. "You are the childe of Angelus and the Sire and one time companion of William the Bloody, he should respect that."

"The one-eyed Jack only peers into the court but is never invited."

Buffy understood and scooted back, lifting the covers. "Do you want to stay the night?"

It was amazing to watch this vampire be childlike as she nodded and slipped into the bed beside Buffy. Underneath the lunacy, and the demon, Drusilla was still the lost girl that Angel tortured and in her own way she was still looking for someone to protect her from her nightmares. Dru curled against Buffy, laying her head on the blonde's shoulder with her hand over the baby.

"The wee one is swimming."

"His schedule is messed up and he doesn't like it," Buffy said, laughing as her own hand covered the spot where her baby was kicking.

"It's a girl," Dru whispered. "I'm her grand-mum and I'm going to be so much better than mine was. Teach her and the little prince everything they need to know and I won't ever leave them alone."

"I know you won't," Buffy said, covering Dru's hand with her own.

~~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_1:15 AM____

The house was bustling with activity. Productive activity, Angel noted with satisfaction, as Giles and Wesley directed everything. The living room was being rearranged and tables set up for the research and the two Watchers would sort through the notes and information accumulated. Angel grabbed Spike's arm as he wandered by. His Childe was still suffering from the effects of being drugged and was going into shock. His mind was obviously reeling as he wandered about, muttering to himself, until Angel worried about Spike's sanity. 

"Stop it," Angel said, cupping his face. "We need to think and recriminations aren't going to help. Not hers or yours. Are you sure that Buffy isn't acting alone?"

"Bloody Hell, Peaches," Spike sneered, pushing his Sire away. "We're talking about Buffy here. Do you think she is capable of it?"

"Anyone is capable of anything given the right circumstances." 

It was something that Angel knew without doubt. Even people with the best intentions if pushed hard enough could do the most heinous acts. And Spike needed to face that if Buffy was given the right reasons or the right enticement she could sell them all out. It was already a part of her nature, sending him to hell, running away, stabbing Faith and using Spike to release her emotional distress. Angel didn't know if Spike could survive if Buffy had betrayed him. His Childe had finally let go of all his fears and insecurities in the matters of the heart and to find he had been wrong again would be a fatal blow.

"Not her, Angel, not now," Spike said. "She loves me, loves our children and that baby is everything. She'd never put our children in danger without good reason."

Angel nodded. "Then who and how could anyone be working with her? She's hardly been out of your sight for months."

"Mind control possibly?" Giles said, joining them in the foyer. "Is it possible it is Drusilla? We've discussed her and dismissed her several times but logically…"

"Logically it makes no sense," Angel said. "Dru's in France. I know she's strong but I don't know if she's capable of controlling anyone from that distance."

"Are we sure she's still there?" Spike asked. "I know you've talked to your people there but can you trust them?"

Angel located Wesley in the living room and motioned him over. "I want you on the next plane to France," Angel said. "I need to know for sure if Drusilla is still there."

"Isn't there someone else?" Giles said. "Wes knows the prophecies and research as much as I do. We need him here not halfway across the world."

"How about sending Max?" Cordelia said standing in the entranceway with her arms crossed. "He's already in Atlanta and it would save hours to send him."

"Send him, Angel," Spike said, laying his hand on his Sire's arm to get his attention. "Give him a chance."

Angel nodded. "Cordy call him, set it up. I want him there ASAP."

~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_1:35 AM____

The only light was the flickering of the candle, its glow dancing against the wall. Buffy ran her fingers through the dark tresses of the vampire nestled at her side. Seeing life through Drusilla's eyes had changed her in so many ways as she knew Dru had been changed by seeing her life. Somewhere the domination and control had grudgingly given way to awareness which had finally yielded to this surrender. They would never be friends but they were family. And they had been abandoned in so many ways that now when the future was so uncertain, they would cling to each other. Sisters who needed each other to survive and find consolation in the nightmare they found themselves caught in. 

"Why did you leave Spike?" Buffy asked, curious as to what had taken Drusilla away from someone with the capacity to love like Spike did. Why walk away from an endless well of love and protection when Dru needed it so badly?

"It was you," Dru whispered. "You were all over him, leaving him to taste like ashes."

"Think it might have been the cigarettes," Buffy said, smiling.

"A bright light, enticing the moth, my little Spike couldn't resist the flame and you burned it all away. My prince was gone, leaving only the man, glowing with your goodness. You didn't see and he hurt for so long."

"I was wrong. For so many things, for so long and I regret each day that he hurt."

"He hurts now," Dru said. "He doesn't understand. He only knows you left him all alone."

Buffy closed her eyes trying to push away her guilt. It was horrible in its intensity, weaving through every fiber of her being. She would never forget the look in his eyes when he realized what she had done. It tore her apart to deceive him but Dagon commanded her appearance and she didn't dare disobey. Not if she wanted her family to live.

"He's not alone," Buffy whispered. "I've seen to that."

Their family would stand stalwart around Spike and their love would protect him. It was the only comfort she had now.

~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_2:24 AM____

_It was beautiful, reaching to the sky, someplace she once fantasized about when she played princesses with her friends. She stared in awe at it, looking around at the grounds, and the long driveway. She inhaled the sweet scent of flowers, looking up again she saw someone in an upstairs window. A hand waved before Elijah ducked away again._

Tara sat up in bed, her hands rubbing her face, trying to wake up. It had been so real as if she was there and she knew it wasn't a dream. She grabbed the phone and quickly dialed the number for Buffy and Spike. Any doubts that were left were vanquished when Angel answered the phone.

"Angel, its Tara. Buffy and Eli are gone aren't they?" Tara asked standing and shaking Willow to wake her at the same time. 

"How did you know?" Angel asked.

"Elijah is sending me a message…"

_To be continued in Chapter 50 – Q&A_


	51. Q&A

**Chapter 50 – Q&A**

_March 16, 2008_11:45 AM____

Everything was exquisitely done. The crepes were light, the strawberries juicy and sweet, and the ham held the merest hint of maple. Buffy's plate was overflowing as she helped herself to a second serving. Starving as she and her baby was she didn't care how bad she looked; food was the order of the day.

Elijah had already eaten his fill and was playing in the drawing room with Drusilla. Buffy only allowed him out of her sight as long as she could still hear him. She trusted Dru with her son but the minions that occasionally scurried about bothered her. Even with strict instructions they might decide that the boy was too tempting to pass up. 

"I see you are enjoying your meal," Dagon said, effortlessly appearing beside her chair. He kissed her on the cheek and fingered the lace on her dress before sitting. "You are very beautiful. That era would have suited you quite well."

His eyes skimmed over her and Buffy hid her repulsion behind her glass of milk. The clothes he had made for her were all recreated fashions from the Edwardian age. The dress was white tulle with a layer of embroidered batiste. It was totally feminine and Buffy would have found it lovely if it wasn't Dagon's little gift. To perfect the image a maid had come to their room earlier that morning to help them dress and to do her hair. 

Buffy continued to eat and ignored Dagon. It didn't seem to bother him as he leaned back in his chair and played with the place setting. 

"After the baby is born," Dagon said his voice seductive and careful. "I will enjoy dressing you up and showing you off…as my paramour."

"You'll rot in hell first," Buffy said, pushing her plate away.

"Such defiance," Dagon, said, laughing while a finger caressed her hand. "You'll find it is more of a coveted spot than to merely be a wet nurse."

Buffy snatched her hand away. "I will never give myself to you."

"Please do not tell me that you really think that your husband and Angelus will come for you," Dagon said, tilting his head in a manner reminiscent of Spike. "Drusilla once had that fantasy. She thought that she could make her Daddy come back and he would come charging in to save her. Twice now he and William have failed her. Now she, how did you put it, oh yes, now she gives herself to me."

His words only confirmed Buffy's earlier assumptions about the night Spike found her straddling Angel. Drusilla had been using her body to try and release Angelus unknowing of the spell to anchor his soul. Angel and Spike may have locked the raven haired beauty away where they could forget her but Angelus wouldn't abandon her. Even if it was only a show of possession he would have gone and returned her to his side.

Buffy stood unable to bear the vampire's scrutiny anymore. His words made her uncomfortable because they echoed her own doubts. Angel had abandoned her once already, would he come now once he knew the truth? Would Spike's love extend far enough to want her back or would he only come for his children? She turned to the china cabinet and made a show of looking over the small collection of birds that aligned the shelfs.

"Drusilla's whims," Dagon said. "Since I freed her she dreams only of birds," his hand rested on Buffy's lower back and stood beside her, "but you know that don't you? She wants to fly away and never return. Do you dream of flying away, Buffy? Where you don't have to face the repercussions of these past months…in my arms?"

"I have never been in your arms," Buffy spat, backing away. 

"It may not have been your body but there have been times, my love, don't deny it," Dagon said, following her; so confident of a prey that had no where to run. "That I have looked down into Drusilla's face and seen you while I enjoyed her charms. Just as I am sure that Spike has enjoyed hers again."

Buffy ran out of places to run as her body hit the wall. The monster in her nightmares became reality as he cornered her. His touch was cold as he leaned forward to kiss her and she pushed him. He laughed as he staggered back.

"I fought you then and I will you fight you now," Buffy declared. 

They were at standoff for a moment as they stared at one another. She knew Dagon wouldn't push the issue too far because he wouldn't run the risk of hurting the baby. This whole charade was for her child that Dagon wanted. His games with her were just a bonus to while away the time until that moment came. It was afterwards that frightened her if Spike didn't come through. She shuddered as the memories of waking and finding herself in Drusilla's body as Dagon rutted on her flooded her mind. She wondered if she would ever feel whole or clean again.

"Mummy, Mummy," Elijah called, running into the room. "We're going to explore the house. Will you come with us?"

Dagon stepped back allowing the child access to his mother. 

"Go on, Buffy, take the child and explore," he said, waving his hand. "I will come and find you when he takes a nap. We will finish our discussion then."

~~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_3:15 PM____

The house was filled to capacity as the family worked to find Buffy and Elijah. There wasn't a member that wasn't there to contribute, gathered around tables and reading books or working on deciphering ancient codes. Del had brought the Chickies in to help her in the kitchen and with watching the babies. The dining room had been turned into a nursery where the children played or napped while Del ran the kitchen, keeping the coffee brewing and water hot for tea. Food was always available if someone needed a snack or a sandwich. Not a moment or gesture was wasted as the team worked together.

Willow walked into the living room creating a diversion as everyone's concentration was broken to see if she had good news for them. The look on her face gave the answer they didn't want. The locator spells hadn't worked and disappointment simmered in the air. 

"Nothing, zilch," Willow said. "We can't get any kind of trace of them."

A collective sigh was issued and heads bowed again, returning to the work they were doing before the interruption. 

"Damn it," Spike said, pacing from his spot at the table to the doorway and back again. For hours at a time that's all he did, up and down the hallway, through the kitchen back through the living room to the hallway again. His emotions making him a walking time bomb that the next discouragement would bring about a devastating explosion. He just wondered if it was worry for his children or anger at his wife that was taking him over the edge. "We need something, anything, because this is bloody useless." He swept a pile of books off the table and headed down the hallway. 

Willow sighed and turned to Angel. "Tara is meditating again. Elijah should be napping soon and she's hoping she can contact him."

"Thank you," Angel said, squeezing her shoulder knowing she needed the encouragement that she and Tara's efforts weren't wasted even if they hadn't brought the results desired. 

The phone perched on the table rang, bringing heads up again as they waited to see who was calling. Spike stopped his rounds and hovered impatiently while his Sire answered.

"It's Max, Drusilla's gone. She's been gone since the middle of October, left with some vampire named Dagon…"

"Dagon," Angel exclaimed. "Who the hell is he?"

Spike felt like he'd been physically struck when he heard the name and he rushed to grab the phone away from Angel. "Max, are you sure it was Dagon?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure man. The demons are singing quite nicely with a little persuasion. The funny thing is from the description they gave I thought they were talking about Angel. I'm heading back but I've got some contacts checking on how they got out of France…"

But Spike didn't really hear beyond 'I'm sure' his mind was reeling with the implications of Max's news. His hand went slack and the phone slid from his grip crashing onto the floor. It couldn't be but yet it was. This was his fault. If he had only taken care of business years ago instead of being bewitched by green eyes looking into his right before she kissed him. If he hadn't hurried home to follow the candy trail to his Little Red Riding Hood this might not be happening. 

"Spike, what is it?" Angel asked, gripping his shoulders. He gave them a shake to try to bring his Childe back to the present. "Talk to me, boy."

"He was the one…" Spike stuttered, trying to focus, trying to accept. His eyes met his Sire's. "He was the one I rescued Drusilla from seven years ago."

Spike watched as Angel's eyes showed the trail his mind was taking. From the moment when Spike had disappeared from Sunnydale, to his return to find Buffy living in his crypt, through the preceding years until Drusilla had once again called them for help.

"And most likely the one that was with her two years ago," Angel said, with acceptance that they had failed by refusing to take care of Drusilla themselves. "When we ordered Wesley and Gunn to imprison her in France."

"What the hell have we done?" Spike asked. He rubbed his eyes in frustration and glanced at the family whose faces were filled with confusion.

Wesley broke through the silence and reminded them there were things to be done. It wasn't the time for recriminations.

"Who is this Dagon?" Wesley asked, standing. "Is he a special vampire? Or just a vampire with a yen for power? What does he want from Drusilla and apparently now Buffy?"

"The first thing that came to my mind when I heard the name," Kate said, sitting back and crossing her arms. "Is that story by H.P. Lovecraft; the one about the sea monster."

Giles smiled at his wife before facing the others. "Well, Dagon is a Philistine deity whose parts of his body resemble a fish."

"I don't think the meaning of his name is going to help us," Angel said. "Not that we don't appreciate a little lesson in…"

"Wait a minute," Fred said, moving to stand beside Wesley. She fanned through notes until she found what she wanted. "Here it is…remember when Spike was telling us about the day he had to ch...I mean restrain Buffy. She said that 'things were set in motion the night he died'. Didn't Dru say something about fish before she turned you?" 

Spike stiffened as he remembered Drusilla's words that night. "Burning baby fish all around your head."

"It's a coincidence," Angel said, his voice uncertain.

Raven looked up to meet her father's gaze. "If the baby is born within the next three days it will be a Pisces; the sign of two fish."

Cordelia dropped her pen as realization washed over her. Buffy wasn't trying to be cruel in the conversation they'd had only yesterday. The Slayer had been giving her a message. She looked up and waved her hand. "Buffy has been giving us clues. These things she's been saying haven't necessarily been random. Like telling Spike about the night he died. When we talked yesterday she made a point of mentioning Connor's conception."

"What about me?" Connor asked, sitting up straighter.

"You were conceived under the sign of Pisces," Cordelia answered. 

~~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_3:17 PM____

Buffy closed the door leading into the bedroom before making her way to the couch. It had been an interesting afternoon as Elijah, Drusilla and she had explored the house. There was always someone a few steps behind them but they ignored the minion guards and took amusement in the secret passages and dark corners that littered the old mansion. Buffy wasn't sure who had a wickeder imagination, her son or the vampire. The telepathy between them was also astounding and they communicated with ease without uttering a word. Drusilla had asked Buffy if she considered her son evil for having the sight and Buffy had told her no. It was a gift to be treasured not feared. Her maternal instincts were taking over where Dru was concerned and she had wanted to throttle her parents for telling her she was an abomination of God.

The two vampires were waiting for her as she returned to the sitting room. She sat on the couch and Drusilla curled beside her. They both were more comfortable if they were touching in some way as if they could merge into one being.  Buffy stared at Dagon waiting for him to start his show. This was his chance to preen and impress her with his power. He wouldn't though. Buffy figured that any information she could garner would eventually help her and her son to escape taking Drusilla along with them.

"Would you like some tea?" Dagon asked.

Buffy shook her head. She just wanted him to start his explanations. Most of it she understood because Drusilla had already told her of her vision that had started this in motion. She knew what Dagon had planned but she wanted details and his thoughts to complete the picture of the madness he had conjured.

"What exactly are you planning on doing?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, Buffy, you do amuse me," Dagon said, laughing. "You know what this is about. Why do you pretend that you don't? Is it to impress me or seduce me? It doesn't matter either way. I'll be happy to spell it out for you. It's quite simple; I'm going to restore the Order of Aurelius. It has been destroyed by those fools that you two hold in such high regard. Eight hundred years of power and it lays in ruins now. I will be the one to bring back the reign of terror it once held." He leaned forward. "And to think the Slayer that destroyed our Master will help to bring us back."  
  


"How am I helping you?" Buffy asked. It terrified her that this fiend held the lives of her family in peril. And she would do anything she could to stop him.

"Your children, sweet, your children," Dagon said, sipping a glass of whiskey. "Raven has changed the world by making demons acceptable. By the time I am ready to declare war on the human race they won't even see it coming because we will have become your neighbors and co-workers. And no one will think they've cause to be afraid of what will be so common. Elijah will be raised to be my right hand man. Drusilla has shown me how valuable the sight can be but her lunacy makes her a liability. Elijah is already on our side and will make a fine prophet for the new Order. And the baby you carry will be the one to usher in a new age of evil."

Dru stirred beside her. "It was to be the other one, the child of Angel, but the bad Englishman stole him away."

~~~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_3:30 PM____

"Let's piece this together, shall we?" Giles said. He stood in front of the blackboard that had been brought in; writing down details as he spoke. "We have Dagon, whose name literally means 'little fish', also the name of a Philistine deity, Drusilla said she saw burning baby fish all around Spike's head, Connor was conceived under the sign of Pisces and Buffy's baby if born in a few days will be a Pisces. And does anyone have a clue what this means and why this Dagon wants this baby."

"I think the first thing we need to find out who is Dagon and where did he come from?" Angel asked, walking around the room as he spoke. He would lay his hand on shoulders as he passed, drawing attention to his words and to let them know that everyone was valuable. "How did he meet up with Drusilla? And how is Buffy and Drusilla linked? The control started before she left France so there has to be something we overlooked. Find it."

"This Dagon guy," Gunn said. "He has Drusilla and Buffy who have been with both of you." He nodded towards the two vampires. "So, it looks like he has to have a personal grudge against the two of you. I would think because it would be kind of unusual for him to meet Drusilla and then want Buffy. What about Darla? Did he ever try to get to her since she was having a Pisces conceived baby?"

"Yeah, I would think it would take more than fish to want to pull off a coup," Spike said, leaning back in his chair with his hands linked behind his head. "I've never met him myself. The closest I got was when I picked Dru up in Central America."

"Did you say Central America?" Wesley asked, raising his head from his notepad.

"Yeah," Spike said. "What about it?"

"Darla was in Central America before she came to Los Angeles," Wesley said. "She was there seeking a shaman to answer her questions about being pregnant."

"Okay, more links," Giles said, writing on the board. "Drusilla, Dagon and Darla were all in Central America at about the same time. But that still doesn't give us the one piece we're missing."

"I have an idea," Dawn said, uncomfortable as everyone's attention turned to her. "I may be way off base but…"

"No," Spike said, leaning on the table again. "Anything is helpful. Even if you don't have it just right someone else may have the conclusion. So, talk to us."

"It was what you were saying about clues and things in Buffy's tirades," Dawn said, reaching for her husband's hand. "In the beginning when all this started remember…" she stopped and took a deep breath. "It was when we were fighting over Spike and she was telling me to stay away from him. But she said something about the cruelest pain of all is having a taste of what you want but then you can't hold onto it. What if she was talking about Darla and Angel?"

"You mean about Darla losing Angel but what would that have to do with Dagon?" Fred asked.

"Max said something about Angel and Dagon's description," Spike said, shaking his head. "I was kind of out of it but I think the gist of it was that Dagon looked like our boy here."

There was silence as the new information was digested. Many stared at Angel as they considered the implications of the similarities between Angel and Dagon. 

"Maybe Darla sired Dagon hoping to replace Angel," Willow said. "I mean it would kind of make sense if she was feeling all lonely without him."

~~~~~~~~

  
_March 16, 2008__3:35 PM___

Dagon's agitation was evident as he returned to the chair. In his hand was a glass of whiskey, his second, since he had started his tale of his death and rebirth. His prior life was one of hardship and pain as the child of a factory worker in the early twentieth century. It seemed his only wealth lay in his looks and by twenty was already the companion of a wealthy married woman. He had great ambition to be more than what he had been born into but Darla had stolen it all away from him. 

"The whore only wanted a playmate to replace her Angel," Dagon spat, taking a sip of his drink. "She told me how to act and how to dress so that she could pretend that she had her champion back. I was even beaten once because I didn't get the room with the fucking view. I hated her with a passion."

"Why did you stay with her?" Buffy asked, shifting on the couch. "Wouldn't it have been easier just to leave? I know she sired you but you could have gotten away."

"You still haven't figured me out yet, have you?" Dagon said, smiling. "I had to prove something to the world. She told me of her Sire and the Order. I begged Darla to take me to the Master. She refused saying I wasn't good enough to meet with him." His eyes narrowed as he remembered her refusal. It still stung even after all these decades. "Angelus tossed aside the invitation to join the Order. He refused to take his place in line to rule. And the bitch still thought he walked on water."  
  


"You wanted what Angel refused?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, I wanted it," Dagon walking behind the couch. His fingers drifted through Buffy's hair. "I still want it," He leaned over her shoulder. "And I've learned since then to take what I want."

~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_4:05 PM____

"I found something," Fred said excitedly, looking up from the Watcher's diary she had been reading, "About the ritual Spike did with Buffy." Her finger continued down the page. "Oh, maybe it's not too good after all."

"What is it?" Wesley asked, leaning over so he could view the passage she was reading. "Oh…"

"Would the two of you please explain?" Angel said his hands on his hips as he moved closer to them. 

"It appears in the thirteenth century that there was a vampire who also had the gift of sight," Fred said. "His Childe had a Childe also and those two performed the ritual. But because the Sire had the telepathy he was able to gain control of his…grand-childe."

Spike looked down at his hands as another damning piece of evidence was laid against him. He had allowed Dagon to live, he had left Drusilla alone, he hadn't listened for Buffy's clues, and he had performed the ritual with her. He was waiting for them to turn on him, accusing him, hating him like they once did. Like he now hated himself. 

"What happened to these vampires?" Angel asked.

"It appears as time went by they became almost one being," Wesley said. "Their personalities merged until others couldn't tell who was in which body. They changed out at will."

"Well, that's just fucking wonderful," Spike said, slamming his hand down on the table. "Don't you think so Daddy? You can get your exes in one convenient package if we can find them. Two bodies, one delusional personality." He stood and threw his arms wide. "Oh, I forgot I get the castoffs to take care of. This should be a helluva lotta fun."

Xander rushed to his side and grabbed his arm. "Come on, Spike, let's go take a walk. Grab a smoke, breath some fresh air." Spike pulled away from him but Xander blocked any path of escape. "I mean it. Let's go clear our heads."

Spike yielded to his friend's pressure. His life was crashing down around him and all he could feel was fear as things took him over. Just a few days ago he felt in control. He felt like he could handle anything and then his precious Buffy had walked out taking his security with her. It had all been for her, all of this and she was gone along with his son and baby. He knew he was losing it and he followed Xander outside to the side yard away from the lights of the house.

"Spike, you need to pull it together," Xander said. "I know, man, I know how much you're hurting but you're not doing anyone any good. Not us and not Buffy."

Spike nodded. He needed to be strong but he just didn't know how to get back his power without his wife. Tears welled in his eyes and ashamed at another sign of weakness he turned away from Xander. He was pulled back around and into a hug. It was then that he released the poison that was destroying him. Months of fear and pain were released while he sobbed. 

"I just want her back," Spike cried. "It's destroying me to think that she may never come back."

"Get angry," Xander said, patting Spike's back. "Fight for her. That's what we need from you and so does she. We have to get her back and then we can deal with everything else. But right now you're focus has to be on getting Buffy and your kids back."

Spike nodded. He threw his head back and drew a deep breath to clear his head. They had been through too much, loved each other too much to let go of it now. He forced himself to think of the night that he'd regained his power, recalling how it made him feel and let it flood his being again. 

"Let's go," Spike, striding toward the house.

"He's so easy," Xander said, snickering as he followed him. 

Neither was expecting the explosion that was happening in the living room. 

"You make me sick," Angel said, leaning over the table toward Cordelia. "I can't believe you would even for a moment think of doing that."

Cordelia pushed back from the table and ran from the room. The look of devastation and loss plainly etched on her face and Kate hurried to follow her. Spike looked around the room at Angel looking angrier than he had seen him in forever, Connor had disappeared along with Raven and everyone else looked uncomfortable and embarrassed. 

"What happened?" Xander asked, stepping further from the room. No one answered and he turned to his wife. "Anya?"

"It seems Cordelia once had a thing for grown up Connor," Anya answered, flinching when Angel hurled a book across the room. 

"How did this tidbit come about?" Spike asked.

"We were going over the night that Buffy was asking about family," Giles said. "It seemed she was asking about who was sleeping with who and kept using the word incest."

"Well, come on now, vampires don't give a crap about that stuff when it comes to shagging," Spike said. "So, what's it got to do with anything?"

"Because it was my wife," Angel said, "talking about fucking my son."

The words surprised the hell out of Spike. It would be like Buffy thinking of sleeping with Sean and the thought made him ill. But he also knew of the love Cordelia had for his Sire long before Angel turned to the woman. Loneliness and loss can make a person consider being with someone that wasn't appropriate especially if that someone looked at you in adoration. It was also something that was years in the past and something that Cordelia had risen above in making the right choices. 

"She's human," Spike said, stepping closer to Angel. "Everyone has weird feelings and she isn't his mother. Give her credit for never acting on it. And Buffy was younger than Connor was when you fell in love with her."

Angel pushed him back but Spike could see he had dented the anger a little. At least Angel might think about it awhile before doing something he'd regret. But it still didn't explain why the gang was thinking this was useful information concerning his child.

"What does this have to do with Buffy anyway?" Spike asked, turning to face Giles.

Giles removed his glasses and sighed before answering. "We think he may raise the baby to become his mate." 

~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_4:15 PM____

It seemed all so glorious when told by Dagon. He felt that meeting Drusilla was destiny finally giving him a chance. Her words of 'burning fish' and her pregnant grand-mum had seemed so easy to fit together with his name. All he had to do was take what he felt was his. Angelus and Spike had no desire to restore the family to its former status. 

"That fool of a watcher changed everything for everyone," Dagon said, sitting again in his chair. "Connor would have been raised to rule with me. But I knew something else was coming. The cards foretold it and I knew that Drusilla's vision of the family reuniting couldn't be wrong. So, I waited." His gaze raked over the vampire who was now lying with her head on Buffy's lap. "Dru kept running from me but they wouldn't listen would they, darling? They locked you away in that nasty chateau and forgot all about you."

"It was horrible," Drusilla said. "It stank of humans and they were mean to me."

"It's over with," Buffy said, running her hand along the vampire's back to soothe her. "You're not alone anymore."

"I'm all warm," Dru whispered, nuzzling Buffy's leg. "Spike is warm now; his flesh so hot against ours."

"He won't matter soon," Dagon said. "He will be gone and his daughter will rule beside me. Changing the world to a darker place and until then I will have the comfort of the women that should have rightly stood by the rulers of Aurelius."

Buffy wondered if he really thought that he would be able to bring down Angel, Spike and the rest of the family. Didn't Dagon know how many demons, vampires and gods they had destroyed over the years? Wasn't he even worried that she had destroyed the Master and Angelus? It was only a matter of time before he would be history like the others. Her hand stroked her belly as she contemplated the next month her family would have to find them.

"Did you know that Pisces is the final sign in the zodiac?" Dagon asked. "It seems fitting that the baby born under this sign will end the era when humans rule the earth."

Buffy couldn't hide the fear as she looked up at Dagon.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked. "The baby isn't due for another month."

Dagon smiled. "No, my sweet, the child will be born before the next phase of the moon. Labor will be induced this very night to ensure it."

To be continued….


	52. Darkness Falls

**Chapter 51 – Darkness Falls**

_March 16, 2008_4:17 PM__

Buffy stared in horror at Dagon. Fear rushed through her at the danger he was putting her baby in. She had never thought of this contingency when she had obeyed his command to make an appearance. There was supposed to be time for the family to figure everything out and rescue them. Protecting Drusilla and consequently protecting herself had lent itself to the decision to acquiesce to the vampire's call.

"You can't do that," Buffy protested. "The baby could be in danger if it comes too early."

Dagon leaned forward. His eyes were icy as they raked over her. "Do you think that I would put my entire future at risk? I have a doctor coming to deliver my bride."

For the first time Buffy lost confidence that her children would be saved from this nightmare. _His bride_. The words sickened her as the full impact of their meaning penetrated through the fog she'd been living in for months. If she didn't find a way out, her daughter would be raised by this monster before her to have no conscience; to have no purpose but to rule an evil empire. Her innocent child would be turned in a ceremony tying her forever to Dagon. 

Buffy panicked, stood and tried to find a way to get to her stake that was still hidden in the bedroom. It was the only chance they had. She had only taken two steps when Dagon wrapped his hand in her hair and yanked her back against him. 

"Shh, calm down," Dagon whispered. He nuzzled her neck as his hand stroked her arm. "You can't get away, Buffy. You underestimated me. The stake is gone."

"I don't need a stake," Buffy declared, flipping him over her shoulder. "Dru help me."

"No, no," Drusilla whined. "Not supposed to be like this." Her hands danced around her as she shook her head. "My prince, my prince is coming."

There would be no help from Drusilla. Her short period of rationality had vanished in the disintegration of the plan. Buffy attempted to get to the bedroom again but Dagon blocked her way. She needed to pull herself together and think as she faced the vampire. 

"There is no way out," Dagon said, backhanding Buffy. The pregnancy left her off balance and she fell to the floor. There was a kick to her upper back before he straddled her and pulled her around by her hair until she faced him. "Listen to me, bitch. I don't give a shit what happens to you. You are a vessel for my mate and nothing more. We can do this one of two ways." He wrenched her head back further until Buffy cried out in pain. "You can cooperate with me and live long enough to help raise your children and warm my bed. Or I can strap you down and cut that baby out of you, in which case you'll die a very painful death."

"They'll come for us," Buffy said. "You'll never succeed."

Dagon laughed as he stroked her stomach. "I will succeed. The little messages Elijah has been sending out have been stopped. The little lad will be sleeping for awhile. Don't worry he's fine but he won't be helping you out. And if they do find us I have plans for those weaklings. They won't live long enough to get to you." His fingers brushed across Buffy's breast. "Or maybe I'll let them watch me make you mine first." He released her and stood. "So, what will it be?"

What choice did she have at this point? Buffy glanced at Drusilla crying in a crumpled heap in the corner then to Dagon still standing above her. She was eight months pregnant, Drusilla couldn't be counted on and Elijah was drugged leaving them with no fighting abilities. Their fate was lying in the hands of the family now. She held a hand out to Dagon.

"I'll cooperate."

~~~~~~~~

_March 16, 2008_9:12 PM____

They had figured out what Dagon wanted with Buffy and his baby. Now all they had to do was find them in time. If the Pisces theory was correct there was less than seventy-two hours until the lunar change taking them into the next zodiac sign. Spike was terrified of what might happen to Buffy once the baby was born. Would Dagon let Buffy live to care for the baby or would he consider her too much of a liability to keep around? 

Locator spells had been tried again to no avail, pictures had been taken of Angel to be shown around to see if anyone recognized him but so far no luck. Giles felt that if Dagon was going to all this trouble then his plans had to be meticulously thought out with little room for error. If his theory was true then they were going to find few clues to bring his wife and children home. Tara was exhausted trying to reach Elijah through telepathy and was sleeping to get the strength to try again. 

Spike hovered on the edge of his family gathered in the living room or rather the family that was left. Angel and Connor were out trying to find information about a new vampire in town. Raven, Dawn and Josh were out searching stores with Angel's picture in hand to see if anyone suspicious had been buying baby supplies. Willow was grounding Tara and hoping that she'd dream and say something that was useful. Clem and Lorne were cruising demon bars to see if anyone was working for a new baddie. Wesley and Fred were reconstructing the notes into a workable timetable hoping that a new clue would jump out at them. Giles was on the phone to the Council hoping to garner information on the Aurelius line and Dagon. The others were still researching Watcher journals and other books of prophecy hoping something, anything would be useful. Everyone was still working hard even after almost twenty-four hours. It was unbelievable that this much love, dedication and talent could exist in one group. If anyone could bring his family home it was them.

The doorbell rang and Spike rushed to answer it. It was Bryant.

"Hi, Mr. Blood," Bryant said. "Is Sean home?"

"Hey, Bryant," Spike said, disappointed that it wasn't someone with good news. "Yeah, he's home but I don't think it's such a good time."

Footsteps sounded behind him and Spike turned to find his son hurrying his way. He stepped back to let the two young men greet each other.

"Dad," Sean said, turning to him. "I invited Bryant over. I was thinking he could draw the house if Tara described it to him. If we knew what it looked like then we might have some luck finding it."

There was so much hope for doing something useful in Sean's eyes that it melted Spike's heart. Sean was the only one in a family with extraordinary abilities that didn't have any. It often made him feel that he wasn't contributing as much as the others even though he did with his own brand of faith. Spike pulled the boy into his arms and hugged him.

"Thank you," Spike said. "Yeah, that will help."

It was such a simple thing but yet no one else had thought of it. Details of the house could lead them to the place. Kate hurried upstairs to waken the witches. Soon they would have another piece of the puzzle to tackle and maybe this time they would find the answer.

~~~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_12:02 AM____

Weakness was an aberration that he couldn't tolerate. Not now. Not after all these years of planning, hoping and working for this goal. All those years of pressing his nose to the glass and never being invited in was going to come to an end if he had to tear that baby out of the Slayer himself. The bitch was the same as the other females in the Aurelius line. They all thought Angelus was a god of some sort. He'd tamed one of them. Drusilla was his for the bidding and every time he fucked her it was a cause for rejoicing. Taking something away from Angel and he didn't even know. Those times when he recognized Buffy in Dru's body had left him jubilant. It wasn't her body but to know he was slowly breaking a woman that belonged to both Angelus and William the Bloody was the balm he needed when he felt the twinge of doubt. 

Darla had ruined the lineage of Aurelius by allowing such fools to exist. They both should have been destroyed long ago and Dagon would be more than happy to do it. The family would be restored to its prominence within the vampire empire and it would all be due to him. His greatness would bring the respect and fear that he craved. In the end he would prove his father and his bitch of a Sire wrong. Dagon was someone worthy.

He sipped his drink and walked to the window again. The doctor was late and it caused a pang of fear in his unbeating heart. Nothing could go wrong at this point. Everything was planned down to the minute. His camp needed to be ready to depart by the time that the do-gooders found the house. He wasn't as ignorant as Buffy thought and he knew they would eventually figure it out. A smile crossed his lips as he thought of the traps he had planted around the perimeter of the house. There was a bomb ready to be activated in the main house that he could set off from a mile away. The Scoobies were going to go out in a blaze of glory in their attempted rescue of his hostages.

"Sir," Roderick said. "I'm sorry to interrupt you but there was a phone call."

"What is it?"

"Dr. Lang had an emergency delivery and will be delayed."

"Thank you," Dagon said, through clenched teeth. He waited until his servant had left the room before kicking over the end table. "Fuck."

It couldn't happen. Not now. Dagon lost reason as a crack appeared in his plan. It had to be their fault. Those bitches had been conspiring against him for weeks now. It would be stopped. They needed to be shown who was in control. He ran up the stairs to Buffy's room, knowing Drusilla would be there. The door was slammed open and a momentary thrill ran through him as he saw them huddling on the bed with fear plainly written on their faces. At least they showed that much respect. 

Drusilla was pulled screaming from the bed and Dagon threw her face first into the wall to slide to the floor. Buffy tried to attack him but he punched her. 

"The baby," Dru cried. "It must fly. Fly away from the woodshed."

"Shut up," Dagon yelled, stomping on her arm. "Shut up. I can't stand your ramblings anymore. Maybe I'll just have to cut your tongue out to shut you the fuck up."

The next few minutes passed in a blur as he released his rage on Drusilla. She didn't fight back. Somewhere she had given up. Everything in her life had been taken from her and she now accepted her fate at the hands of someone stronger than her Sire. The smell of blood was in the air when he finally dropped her on the floor. She only whimpered as she waited to see what he would do next. He left her with one last kick and turned to the woman on the bed.

Buffy cowered with her hands covering her stomach. Dagon couldn't beat her but there was something as effective as he sat behind her.

"No, please," Buffy cried.

It was so sweet. He had heard the tales of Slayer blood and it was his due. His fingers brushed her hair out of the way. Her fear was making him heady with power and Buffy didn't even fight as he bit into her neck. 

~~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_2:45 AM____

Willow was typing in the details of the house that Tara had seen into the Real Estate listings. Hopefully if it worked they would receive a listing of houses that matched its descriptions that had been sold or rented in the last six months. The only drawback was they didn't know how broad of an area they needed to search. She sighed as the last of the information was entered. A quick prayer and she let the program run. 

"It's done," Willow said, glancing over at Spike. "It's going to take a few minutes to search everything."

Her fingers were crossed as she watched the blinking message button. They needed a break because so far nothing else had panned out. Almost everyone was napping wherever they could find a space. Some were wrapped in blankets on the floor or some had just fallen asleep where they gave up the fight. Spike was pacing again to keep himself awake. His hair stood out in tufts from all the times he ran his hands through it. Black circled his bloodshot eyes and in other circumstances he probably would frighten anyone that saw him. About five hours before he'd started smoking again and his hand was never empty now. 

"Here," Angel said, handing his Childe another cup of coffee. "No one is going to think less of you if you sleep for an hour or two. I'm awake and will call you if anything happens."

"No," Spike answered, taking the coffee and downed the cup in two or three gulps. "Not going to be weak."

"Angel's right," Willow said, grabbing his hand as he walked by. "You're not only fighting physical exhaustion but emotional exhaustion too. You can only take so much."

Spike pulled his hand away and headed out of the room. Willow looked up at Angel and shrugged. None of them could force Spike to sleep. The computer beeped and she looked down.

"Shit," Willow said.

"What?" Angel said, leaning over her shoulder. "Damn it."

There were over a hundred matches to the description they had come up with. They covered over three hundred miles of distance and it was going to be a daunting task to find which one they needed. That is if Dagon had kept them in this part of the state.

~~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_8:45 AM____

The key turned in the lock and Buffy looked up to see if Dagon was returning. Drusilla slipped from the bed to sit in the chair by the window when their captor entered with another man on his heels. 

"Ladies, this is Dr. Lang," Dagon. "He will be delivering Buffy's baby."

The man was probably in his late thirties with non-descript looks that one would forget three minutes after meeting him. His grey eyes flickered over Buffy and she struggled to sit up straighter. Deciding it would be easier to appeal to Dagon, she turned her attention to the vampire.

"Is he qualified? How many deliveries has he done?" Buffy asked, glancing back at the doctor as he unpacked the bag he'd brought with him. "Can he handle an emergency if something happens?"

It was almost reassuring as Dagon sat beside her. His hands ran along her back and pulled her close to him.

"Don't worry; sweet, Dr. Lang was very carefully scrutinized before I ever considered letting him deliver this child." Dagon said a hand rested on her belly. "This child being born healthy is as important to me as it is to you. By the way we have your medical records if that helps to calm you. He knows everything about you and your pregnancy that your own doctor does."

It did help. Buffy wasn't even concerned that if something should go wrong that they'd let her die. The only thing that mattered was that her baby survived. Spike would come soon enough for his children. The doctor approached the bed and Buffy entwined her hand in Dagon's. He chuckled but she didn't care. He was the only one with power right now and she needed his strength to get through this. 

"Buffy?" Dr. Lang asked, sitting in front of her. "I'd like to do an exam before we do anything else. Make sure that there aren't any complications before we induce. Would you like the others to stay or do you want to clear the room?"

"They can stay," Buffy said. She didn't want to let Drusilla out of her sight and she didn't think Dagon would leave even if she asked. She looked over her shoulder at him. "Would you at least look out the window or something?"

Buffy was relieved as Dagon nodded and headed for the window. The doctor gave her a gown and she went into the bathroom to change into it. The bed was covered with towels when she returned. Nausea played havoc with her as she realized that her baby was going to be here sooner than she planned. She lay back on the bed and raised her knees as Dr. Lang prepared to exam her. Spike should be here when his baby was born. And tears slid down her cheeks as she faced what she'd done by not taking the chance of just telling him everything. She felt someone brushing her hair back and looked around to find Drusilla kneeling by the bed. At least she wasn't alone as she smiled weakly at her companion.

~~~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_10:25 AM____

In the past couple of hours over forty of the houses had been eliminated as the family called for more information. They were scattered around the house calling from their cell phones with their lists in front of them. Tara looked up as Spike staggered into the living room. He looked like the living dead he was as he swayed for a minute, seemed to focus on a chair and headed for it. She could feel that something was wrong and hurried toward him. He hit his knees and clutched his head. 

"Birds, oh my God, thousands of them in my head," Spike muttered. "Bloody hell."

"Somebody knock the guy out," Xander said. "He's lost it from exhaustion."

"Everybody be quiet," Tara instructed, kneeling bedside Spike. "Go with it." She wrapped her arm around him. "Tell me what you're hearing."

"Birds flapping, crying," Spike said, tears spilling across his cheeks. "Oh, my God, the blood it's everywhere." He started to wipe at himself. "Get it off of me. The pain." He rocked back and forth. "The pain it's everywhere inside my head. Buffy, is that you? Buffy…" He was silent for a moment and his eyes closed in concentration. "It's all going to make my ears hurt. Everywhere, take a step, the earth sings with the pain. Sanctuary, Sanctuary, all gone. The journey has already started. Hang from the cross."

It was over as Tara watched his eyes clear. He looked at her in confusion. She cradled his face in her hands.

"They found a way to reach you," Tara said, looking up at the family gathered around them. "I don't know…Elijah must have been silenced somehow." She looked back to Spike. "He's alive. I just think Dagon may have found a way to keep him from being able to send a message."

"You said 'they' reached me," Spike said. "Who sent the message then?"

"If Drusilla and Buffy are connected then you're a link in the chain between them." Tara said. "I think they may have found a way to use that to talk to you."

"But wouldn't that mean that Drusilla is helping Buffy?" Angel asked.

"Yes, it would."

The family was stunned at the possibility that Drusilla might be on their side instead of helping Dagon. It changed the whole dynamics of what they thought was going on with Buffy.  Angel stepped into the middle of the room, ready to take charge.

"Okay," Angel said. "Let's start deciphering the message."

Everyone started to scatter to the tables to begin the process of figuring out the clues they'd been given. 

 "Hey, everybody," Max said, from the door. "It seems I got here just in time."

_To be continued_…


	53. Oh Father

**Chapter 52 – Oh Father**

_March 17, 2008_11:52 AM____

Buffy knew the exact moment when Spike stopped loving her. 

His love had been dying a long, slow, tortured death over the months or possibly years of her never appreciating him the way she should. But the final demise only took seconds. It was a flame that was blown out by a harsh wind of betrayal. 

Cerulean eyes turned to ice as he gazed upon her gripping Dagon's hand in the throes of the induced labor. His eyes flickered from their entwined hands to the bite on her neck and his heart was no longer hers.

She accepted it. She knew that it was the most likely scenario for this nightmare to end with. Everything froze for a single minute of mourning then chaos reined. Spike stood at the end of the bed as Max, Xander, Tara, Raven and Connor rushed in. Tara and Raven came to check on her. Xander and Max went for Dagon with murder in their eyes stopping him before he could enter the secret passage. Connor hurried to the other side of the bed. Everyone seemed to halt in their tracks when they realized that their leader wasn't saying or doing anything. 

They all turned towards him and Spike shook himself from his reverie. His eyes swept the room as if looking down upon his kingdom. In his rightful place as the alpha male of his family and second in line for the Aurelius line. Pride surged through Buffy as she recognized the changes in her husband. No matter what the outcome of this day, she knew that Spike was going to be just fine, with or without her. 

"Do what you want to do to him," Spike said, looking at Dagon. His eyes flickered between Max and Xander. "Just make sure he's dust at the end of it."

Dagon laughed. "You can do what you want to me but it won't change the fact that she's mine now and has been for months." Max punched him in the stomach but it barely fazed the vampire. "If you doubt it ask her where the money went to. Ask her what happened to Nikki."

"Shut up," Spike growled.

"Ask her whose bed she's been sharing…" Dagon barked out as the two humans forced him to his knees and with a carefully placed blow knocked him out.

With her captor out for the moment, attention turned to the other vampire in the room. Drusilla huddled behind Buffy clutching at her hand. Fear emanated from the raven haired beauty as she realized that Spike wasn't going to protect her. Trembling, Dru plucked at Buffy's gown. Connor reached for her but Buffy pushed him away. 

"No," Buffy screamed. "Max, Max, please." He came to her side and she grabbed his arm. "Take Drusilla to Angel for me. No one else. She won't hurt you. I promise. Just take her to Angel."

Max nodded and Drusilla trustingly put her hand in his. He led her from the room, past the others staring in disbelief at her request. The message was clear. She had become the traitor. Spike merely glanced at her with such apathy in eyes that once held great love.

However, there wasn't time to deal with it. 

"I need to get to the hospital," Buffy said, staring defiantly at her husband. "I've been in labor for a little over an hour and they still might be able to stop it."

Spike nodded. His gaze swept over the room, alighting on the bed in the corner with his son sleeping in it. He hurried to kneel next to the bed, his fingers searching for a pulse, his countenance visibly relaxing as he realized that his child was still alive. He scooped Elijah up into his arms and handed him to Connor.

"Carry him for me," Spike said, turning to the bed. His distaste was evident as he reached down to pick Buffy up. "Anything you need to take with you?"

"My bag is over there," Buffy said, pointing to the corner. "But it's not that important."

Tara and Raven seemed to be waiting for instructions from Spike. They had yet to speak to Buffy and she refused to let them see her be weak. She had known and orchestrated for their loyalty to be with her husband. He needed them more than she did. Her emotions closed down. It was the only way that she would be able to see it through to the end. The pain was ripping her heart to shreds as the seams of her life came undone. It was one of those moments when life changes forever and however much you want to hold onto what you have, you know that it is gone forever. Like a flash flood that washes away everything that you worked so hard for. But she still had the baby. The baby would be her reason for not going under yet. Buffy pushed everything aside and concentrated on the pain in her belly. Helping her was Drusilla's voice in her mind, soothing her and telling her that she was loved. 

Spike carried her down the stairs. A small parade followed them as Connor carried her son and the two women followed them. Raven carried her suitcase and kept glancing between her parents and her brother. Tears filled those eyes glowing bright with her confusion and fear. The only person they saw as they reached the foyer was Roderick. But as they crossed to the front door, other members of the family came out to watch their exit. With expressions ranging from pity to confusion, they filled the doorways in silent support. Buffy ignored them all as she willed her body to stop the contractions.

Roderick rushed to open the door. 

"Let him go," Buffy said, looking at Spike. "He was good to us." She turned to Roderick and squeezed his hand. "Please for me, wrap the birds up and send them to me."

"Yes, ma'am," Roderick said, kissing the back of her hand. "It was a pleasure to serve you. Good luck with the child."

As surely as the door closed behind them, Buffy knew something had ended. And as Spike put her in the back seat of the minivan she returned Dru's love with a message that she'd miss her. She curled up on the seat with her head on Tara's lap. She forced back her tears as fingers were drawn through her hair with an unendurable gentleness. Spike started the van and her life ceased to matter as the only purpose she had left was to bring her baby into the world.

~~~~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_12:07 PM____

It hadn't taken them long to find the house once they received Buffy's and Drusilla's message. The listing for the remaining houses had been scoured for anything that would match the clues they had been given. The mansion had once been the retreat for an archbishop and was appropriately named, _Sanctuary. Willow and Tara had performed spells which had revealed the traps that had been planted around the house and grounds. It seemed his brother wasn't as smart as he thought he was or he had underestimated his family._

Angel pushed the vampire off him and jumped to his feet. Before it had a chance to retaliate it burst into dust and he held the stake firm, ready for the next attack. He could sense another vampire close and he whirled in the direction his senses pointed him. 

_It's funny that way, you can get used**_

_To the tears and the pain_

_What a child will believe_

_You never loved me_

He was surprised when he saw Drusilla being escorted by Max. The human stepped back to leave them alone and Angel's eyes narrowed as he absorbed her beguiling smile and her seductive walk. She appeared to be all innocence as she stopped in front of him. But the demon still shone in the depths of her eyes and he drew his stake back again.

"You can't hurt me anymore," Drusilla said softly, her hand caressing his cheek. "I have seen the other side of tomorrow."

Her words held the shades of her madness but her eyes were clearer than he had ever seen them and Angel hesitated. Would there be more? Or would she be lost again? He remembered that she had helped to save Buffy and his hand lowered. 

"Thank you for helping Buffy," Angel said, curious as to what had motivated this soulless creature before him to come to the aid of a Slayer.  "Did you do it so that we'd let you go?"

_You can't hurt me now_

_I got away from you, I never thought I would_

_You can't make me cry, you once had the power_

_I never felt so good about myself_

Drusilla laughed as she stepped back. Her lips settled into the merest hint of a smile while those eyes never strayed from his face. 

"I will never go away now. You and Spike will forever see me in her. The Slayer is full of me."

"What do you mean?" Angel asked, grabbing her arm. "So, help me Drusilla, let go of whatever hold you have on her."

"Oh, Daddy," Drusilla said, wrenching away from him. She sat in a chair by the fireplace with her hands folded carefully in her lap. "Spike made a wish. And now he hates that it's true. The moon smiles its approval though."

"Yeah, don't believe it," Angel snapped, leaning over her. "Once you're dust Buffy will be free of you."

"You never loved me," Dru said, caressing his hand. "Not once; never once. I was just a doll for you to play with and to discard when you were done hurting me."

_Seems like yesterday_

_I lay down next to your boots and I prayed_

_For your anger to end_

_Oh Father I have sinned_

It was true. Love had never played into what he felt for the girl he destroyed. If he had been human it would have been love and that's why Angelus had to destroy everything she was; everything she could have been. Love was a weakness that he couldn't tolerate or let tempt him.

Angel sighed. "What is this true confession time?"

"I know what love is. Spike loves me. He protected me," Drusilla said, standing to dance across the floor. "He gave me all the things that you never did. Until _she came along and took his heart from me."_

"I thought Buffy was your bosom friend?" Angel asked, watching as Drusilla twirled closer to him. 

"Buffy and I are one now," Drusilla said, leaning back against him. His arm was drawn around her waist. "Inseparable. Her soul has burned me and I have freed her." She turned to look back at Angel. "I have tasted her love for you."

"So, is this supposed to convince me to let you go?"

_Oh Father you never wanted to live that way_

_You never wanted to hurt me_

_Why am I running away?_

"What would you do, Angel?" Drusilla asked, tears spilling across her cheeks. "Give me a soul? Free me? No, it's over. I know it is." She raised his hand holding the stake and pointed it at her heart. "I have tasted all the things you took from me; a husband, children and a home. You despise me for reminding you of who you were and I despise you for taking my life from me." Her hand cupped his cheek. "My love is as deep as my hate." She brushed her lips against his. "Do it, Angel, do it. Finish what you started. Let me go." 

_Maybe someday_

_When I look back I'll be able to say_

_You didn't mean to be cruel_

_Somebody hurt you too_

Angel kissed her with all the desire he'd once held for her and a moment later it was over. Her dust fell to the carpet and he stared at it not able to accept that she was gone. His Childe was destroyed by his hand and he fell to his knees scraping the dust together. He couldn't leave her like this. Not alone. 

Not again.

~~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_1:45 PM____

Buffy was so small in the bed even with her stomach large with child. She hadn't spoken a word except to answer her doctors and the nurses. It was like he didn't even exist. Spike took a seat in the chair next to her again. An IV was slowly pumping medicine into her to stop the contractions. Restraints held her wrists to the bed. Sara felt it was best until she could ascertain Buffy's mental state but was waiting to see what effect the medicine had until interviewing her.

"Is there anything you need?" Spike asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. 

A shake of her head was the only answer he received. He sighed and leaned back in the chair. Unable to stare her into compliance he looked out the window. It was amazing that the world continued to function when his son was downstairs in the pediatrics unit being examined for ill effects from the drugs he'd been given. And his wife was lying here trying to stop the labor. They wanted to see how long they could delay the delivery. The longer the better was best for his baby. He'd also been told not to upset Buffy so he sat there, lying to both of them, as he supported her.

Spike repressed the turmoil within... All that mattered was Buffy…Buffy and his baby. So he pushed away the rage, confusion and hurt. 

How could she hold that bastard's hand? Sod what was going on. And then there was the bite. Had it been consensual? The secrets she held onto for so long, was it to protect Dagon? To protect Drusilla? The ramifications of Buffy and Drusilla switching bodies had begun to sink in. How many times had he made love to Drusilla when he thought he was making love to his wife? His eyes narrowed as he asked himself if Buffy had welcomed Dagon's touch. A year ago he wouldn't have hesitated with the answer. Buffy's loyalty had been without question then but now…he didn't know. He tried to reach his love for his wife and only could touch stone. 

"May I have another blanket?" Buffy asked. She chewed on her lower lip as she waited for him to reply and when he didn't she added, "It's freezing in here."

Extra blankets had been brought in by an exuberant aid earlier and piled on the chair in the corner. Spike grabbed one and tucked it around her shivering form. He touched her forehead to check for a fever and she looked up at him. Their eyes locked and the fear in her eyes hit him with almost a physical force. He sat on the edge of the bed, brushing her hair back with his fingertips. 

"It's going to be all right," Spike whispered, holding her hand to give her comfort. "The doctors said there wasn't any reason that the labor can't be stopped."

"Will you be here when the baby is born?" 

"Of course," Spike said. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Your hands don't hold any warmth for me," Buffy whispered. She tugged at the restraints holding her down and turned her head to stare at the IV bag hanging next to her bed. "I wouldn't go anywhere. Only the baby matters now."

It was the one thing they agreed on. He nodded as he stood to look out the window. Her eyes followed him and his fingers traced her reflection in the window.  He lingered on the soft curve of her cheek when the sun came out from behind a cloud, chasing away the image of Buffy and replacing it with his own. The message was as clear as his acceptance. He no longer needed Buffy in his life.

~~~~~~~

_March 17, 2008_2:45 PM____

The vampire wouldn't open his mouth for anything.

Dagon stared at them as they beat him, sometimes laughing after a particularly brutal blow. It gave Max the creeps as well as making him feel sadistic to repeatedly rain punishment on someone that wasn't fighting back even if that someone deserved it. Spike and Angel had both given instructions to make it hurt. The vampire had touched their women and deserved the worst pain imaginable. And to two humans like himself and Xander the worst pain imaginable was very imaginable. Their lives had given them both an insight to torture and evil than most people would even be given a glimpse of. 

"Do you think that your feeble attempts give me pain?" Dagon taunted through swollen lips. "The two of you are trying so hard to make the vampires accept you as brethren. You will stand there and tell them how mean you are; how deserving you are for beating me, when you both do it for yourselves. You both do it because I've had what you never will. Buffy." He laughed and stood using the chains that bound him for leverage. "There is nothing sweeter than the small sigh she utters when she has been satisfied."

Something inside of Max twisted as the image of Buffy yielding to this monster flashed in his mind. It brought on memories of his own Brianna, crying to leave him for her Sire.  His wife had been just a girl compared to the strength of the woman that Buffy was. Brianna hadn't stood a chance against a monster like Leonard and she never would have survived the months that Buffy had withstood…

And in that realization Max was able to lay down his ghosts. He would always love the girl that had been his wife but she was gone. She would never have the chance to mature into the potential she had within her and it was time for him to let her rest. 

It was also obvious that Dagon was just trying to rattle their cages. There was no way that Buffy would ever willingly give herself to this thing. And the thought that she had been forced to endure his touch at all rallied every protective instinct that Max had. Apparently it did for Xander too as the other man brought his knee into Dagon's groin. At least this time there was a grunt for them to appreciate their work. 

For Max it was over and he dropped the poker he still held. He took Dagon's face into his hand.

"You are the pathetic representation of this family," Max said. "Darla had to have been blinded to ever think that you could replace Angel. I hope there is a special hell for men like you that hide behind women's skirts." He stepped back and swept his arm toward Xander. "Dust him. It's not worth my time to torture him anymore."

"I concur," Xander said, raising his stake and ending their job. "He was a waste of space period."

The two men walked back through the house, past Roderick who was obeying Buffy's last request, and out into the sunshine. Max hesitated on the top step and surveyed the grounds of _Sanctuary._ It was beautiful; a perfect retreat for anyone needing a place to regroup. There were woods surrounding it on three sides and lush green grass stretching to the very edge of the trees. The house held an old world charm and was large enough to hold the whole family if they so desired.

"Since Dagon bought this place," Max said turning to look at his companion. "I guess it would go to the next of kin, don't you think?"

"I believe your right," Xander said, glancing around quickly. "And since Angel was his brother, I would assume he now owns this little piece of real estate."

"I think we need to remind him to get a hold of his lawyer," Max said, running down the steps toward his rental car. "It would be a shame for this place to be tied up in legalese for years to come when there is a relative available to take over Dagon's assets."

"Maybe someone needs to do a little research," Xander said, slipping into the passenger side of the car. "And find out exactly how much Dagon had. It could be a real boost to the family coffers."

Max glanced over at Xander and realized that somewhere along the line he'd been accepted as a part of this family, although he still wasn't sure about Angel's opinion about him. He--Maxim Rochester, loner--was a part of a large family. He pulled out into the long driveway to head to the hospital and decided that he was taking a leave of absence from the Guardians. A man needed to be close to his family not out globe trotting for months at a time. It was time to make a home and settle down. 

~~~~~~~~

_March 22, 2008_9:05 AM____

Spike strode down the hospital hallway with Xander and Max following him. They had been his stalwart guards and helpers in the five days since they had rescued his family. Elijah was back at home. His son was still confused about what had happened. He cried constantly not only for both his mothers but also for the mother and father he'd lost the previous year. Buffy had been wonderful with him, explaining that Drusilla was no longer with them but still a part of them. So, much had happened to the child in the last year and it was going to take a lot of loving consistency to make the boy feel safe again. 

Buffy was still in the hospital, no longer restrained except for the IV continuously dripping medication into her body. They still didn't speak unless they had to. It was uncomfortable for everyone but it was just the way things were until they had the chance to talk things over.

It was with surprise when Spike turned the corner and saw Dawn sitting in the small waiting area outside Buffy's room. Since Buffy had been admitted, Dawn had refused to leave her sister's side. Josh had brought her changes of clothes and she'd showered in Buffy's room. She slept on a cot brought in for her. Dawn said that Buffy had died for her once and she was going to see Buffy through this. Besides, she added, Spike had children who needed him at home and this left him free to come and go. 

"Is everything all right?" Spike said, walking quickly over to the girl. He glanced at Angel who was on the couch next to her. "There's nothing wrong is there?"

"No, no," Dawn said, jumping up and smoothing down her jeans. She glanced at the closed door of the room then back to her brother-in-law. "Sara is with her. They've been in there forever though."

Spike nodded. Buffy had requested yesterday for her therapist to visit her. His wife had been having crying jags off and on since the second day. The news of Drusilla's demise had been the catalyst for the depression that clung to Buffy. Spike turned to settle on the couch next to Angel while Max and Xander sat across from them. At this point he wasn't sure what to do for Buffy. She still refused to speak with him about anything. She hadn't really spoken to any of them about what happened or offered any excuses for her behavior. Everything was in a holding pattern until the baby was born.

The door to Buffy's room opened and everyone looked up to watch Sara come toward them. The therapist sat in the chair nearest to Spike.

"Hey," Sara said. "How are you doing in all this?"

"Holding up," Spike said. "How's Buffy?"

"Is it all right to talk in front of everyone?" Sara asked, glancing around at the family gathered there. "There's not a lot I can tell you but Buffy said she didn't mind me speaking in front of family."

_It was always what Buffy wanted or didn't want_. Spike hated himself for the thought but it seemed to be the pattern his life followed since Buffy had announced she wanted to get pregnant. Since that day their lives had spiraled out of control and they were still waiting for the final explosion. 

Sara nodded when he told her to go on and looked down at her notes.

"Buffy is unstable," Sara said, waving her hand to stave off the questions for the moment. "Due to the facts that have been brought to light we know she isn't mentally ill. But emotionally she isn't doing too well. Similar to when I first treated her. The link with Drusilla has exposed her to the vampire's own mental illness which has given Buffy cause to question her own thoughts. Plus she has been sharing her mind with someone else and now she has to readjust to it just being her."

"Is she going to be able to handle this?" Dawn asked.

"Oh, without question," Sara said. "She just needs a period of adjustment to deal with this and some other things she was exposed to."

"What things?" Spike asked. It had to be the things that had teased at his mind and the things that Buffy refused to talk about. 

"Spike," Sara said, covering his hand with hers. "Buffy was emotionally manipulated by Dagon and Drusilla. She witnessed Dagon's abuse and torture of Dru, which was physical, mental and sexual. Everything that happened to Drusilla she knew about and vice versa. In the end they were clinging to each other in an effort to survive. I know you don't understand why Buffy didn't tell you what was going on and I don't think at this point she does either. It's going to take her time just to accept and deal with this."

"How can we help her?" Spike asked. 

"There's a clinic about forty minutes north of Sunnydale," Sara said. "It's called the Brandon Clinic and is run by Dr. Essie Brandon. It's small, only takes about twenty patients at a time and it's not a locked facility. It's a place for people like Buffy who just need somewhere quiet to get themselves together. While she was there Essie would be the therapist to work with her."

In all the years since Spike had found Buffy living in his crypt, he'd been the one to take care of her. He'd held her together and given her the support she needed. It was time to let go of that responsibility and let someone else have it. He didn't need to think about it. He didn't need to talk to someone to give him the justification to do it. It was like Buffy had told him, they had children and he needed to put them first.

"Where's the papers to sign?" Spike asked.

"You're just going to put my sister away?" Dawn said. The annoyance was dripping from her as she stood and faced the people who had given up on Buffy. Her loyalty used to be wholly Spike's but in the last few months it had shifted to where it really belonged. To the sister who had loved her enough to let the world go to hell and who had died so she could live. 

"Buffy has already signed the papers," Sara said, surprising them all. "I'm going to go and make the arrangements. She's going to leave here the day after the baby is born and check herself in."

Unaware of the disaster she was leaving behind; Sara made her way down the hallway. Spike watched the retreat of the therapist until the elevator doors closed behind her. Before anyone could stop him, Spike had slammed open the door to Buffy's room and leaned on the end of the bed facing his traitorous wife.

"You selfish bitch," Spike snarled. "Do you ever think about anyone besides yourself? How dare you just decide everyone else's life while you play the fucking victim again? I'm sick of it and I'm sick of you."

"Spike stop it," Dawn yelled, pulling on his arm. "Not now."

Behind Dawn were the three men also reaching for him but he shook them off. Buffy reached for the water pitcher and everyone stepped back. Spike stood still and let her throw it at him. The pitcher hit him square in the chest and the water dripped down his front. He wasn't going to be chased off by a childish act.

"Feel better now?" Spike asked.

Buffy stared at him for a moment then her gaze swept over everyone else before landing on him again. "You sanctimonious hypocrite; how dare you stand there and tell me I'm playing victim? You St. Spike, with your pious need to show the world how long suffering you are by being with me." Buffy threw the blanket back and stood to face him. 

"Maybe because being with you sucks the life right out of a bloke until he doesn't know which end is up anymore. Angel had to leave town to get away from you."

This time she threw the cup full of water, clipping his shoulder and hitting Max standing behind him.

"Leave me alone," Buffy screamed. "I only want to enjoy these last few moments of my pregnancy in peace."

"Why? So, you can abandon your baby like you did the rest of your children?"

"Spike stop this," Angel said, putting his hand on his Childe's shoulder. "Let's go so that both of you can calm down."

Spike stared at his wife as her face crumpled in pain. Tears streaked her cheeks and he felt like an ass for hurting her but there hadn't been anything since the night she drugged him to indicate that she cared at all. It was like staring into the face of a stranger.

"No, Angel," Buffy said. "Listen close Spike because this is the last time I'll say this. I'm sorry. I made mistakes but so did all of you. I tried to tell you anyway I could what was happening to me. But you wouldn't listen. It was so much easier to stamp insane on my forehead and ignore me." Dawn rushed to Buffy's side and put an arm around her shoulder. "Look at the scar on your chest and tell me that I abandoned my children. I was trying to protect them. I woke up one night with a knife to Sean's throat because I dared to think about telling you the truth. I was there when Dagon whipped Drusilla into submission. I was there when he forced her to perform sexually. I felt every stroke and every touch. Don't talk to me about being a victimized." She stopped for a moment, swiping at the tears that were falling freely. Taking a deep breath she continued, "I didn't understand at first what was happening but the closer they got to Sunnydale the more I knew, the more I felt, the more power they had. I was afraid to do anything for fear of what they would do."

"How did you and Drusilla end up so close?" Angel asked.

"Because we cried together," Buffy said through her tears. "I felt her pain and she felt mine. It bonded us in ways you'll never know. I know everything you did to her, every step you took to break her. It's still here. Destroying her; didn't relieve you of your burden because she's still a part of me. I still carry her with me and always will. I couldn't trust either of you to get rid of Dagon or protect her. I had to find a way to stop all of the madness and the only thing I knew for sure you would protect would be the children."

"What about Nikki?" Spike asked quietly.

"That fucking bitch deserved it," Buffy said laughing. "Yeah, I used your money to teach her a lesson. Until you divorce me I'm your wife and I won't share you. Not again."

"Buffy, you hired someone to attack her?" Xander asked.

 "That's what I said," Buffy answered. "Drusilla helped me out. No guilt for protecting what's yours."

It was all Spike could take as he gazed at the woman that had been the center of his life for so long. She wasn't that woman anymore; hell, he didn't recognize her at all. When the truth had been accepted, he turned on his heel and stalked out. 

"Go on, run like you always do," Buffy screeched. "Don't come back this time. Do you hear me? Run you coward."

Spike had to get away from her otherwise he was afraid he'd kill her. He was staring at the floor as he moved and he vaguely was aware of passing Giles and Kate on the way to see Buffy. He ignored them as well as the three men following him. The halls of the hospital became a maze as he walked trying to come to terms with what his wife did. Somehow he ended up in the waiting room at the end of the maternity ward. He put his hands on the glass and stared down into the parking lot.

"Spike," Angel said, standing beside him. "I know you're hurt. You both are and you both need time to calm down."

"You don't understand," Spike said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I'm not hurt. I hate her. I fucking hate that bitch."

No one said a word and he turned around to face his friends. There was compassion and understanding in their eyes as they looked at him. Love was a beautiful fire that could burn you and leave nothing but scars. He'd had enough. There was awareness that Drusilla had influenced or manipulated Buffy during her pregnancy but in the end it was his wife that had made the decisions that had destroyed his love. The not trusting him with the truth about Drusilla and Dagon, the attack on Nikki, drugging him, taking Elijah away and now her refusal to take any blame for what happened. Oh, she said she was sorry and had made mistakes but he didn't see any remorse in her. He couldn't see her love or need for him anymore and he knew it was echoed by him for her. They had lost the connection between them.

"Spike," Giles said, hovering on the edge of the room. "Buffy's water broke and they said the rest of the labor should happen quickly. If you want to see your baby born you need to come now."

Spike didn't hesitate as he ran to Buffy's room. Nothing else mattered but this child that was about to be brought into the world. He knew that one of them would contact the others so all he had to do was concentrate on helping Buffy. He slipped into the room and Kate stepped away so he could be by Buffy's side. Dawn was on the other side of the bed holding Buffy's hand.

"It's happening, Spike," Buffy said, looking up at him. "Our baby is coming."

"Yeah, I know," Spike whispered, sitting on the stool next to the bed. He brushed her hair back from her face. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

They both forgot the argument and the pain as they clasped hands. Dawn stayed to help them out and the three of them worked together to bring the baby into the world. Buffy's labor advanced as rapidly as they first thought and within the hour she was told to push. Her legs were drawn up as Spike put his arms behind her shoulders. He and Dawn held her behind the knees as Buffy pushed through the contractions. 

"Okay, Buffy," Dr. Parker said. "The baby is crowning." She gestured at Spike. "Come here and see your baby's head."

Spike stepped down to see the small head peeking out of Buffy and tears welled up in his eyes. It was his baby. His child, conceived in a miracle and a great love. 

"Here comes another one," Dr. Parker said. "Push really hard Buffy and this baby should be here."

Spike lifted her again, his hand behind her knee, "Come on, baby, push with everything you got."

A moment later Spike's daughter slid from Buffy's body. She came out wailing, indignant of being expelled from her home. The infant was lain on Buffy's stomach where they examined her, unbelieving they were touching their baby. Dawn was practically dancing from excitement as she let her finger be grasped. 

"Spike, would you like to cut the cord?"

A symbolic gesture that signified more than the doctor would ever know. This little girl was his in a way that none of their other children present or future, would ever be. It wasn't blood or the lack of blood. It wasn't DNA. Raven, Sean and Elijah were as much his in that sense as the newest member of the family. This infant was his as proof that Spike counted in the universe. A body that was as surely dead as anyone lying in the cemetery had been given the means to create life. Her small eyes opened and she glanced around as if looking for him. Spike was love struck as he gazed into eyes as blue as his.

"Spike," Buffy whispered as the nurse took the infant away to clean her up. She took his hand and waited until he looked down at her. "I know what I want to name her."

~~~~~~~~~~

_March 22, 2008_2:45 PM____

The rest of the morning had been spent in adoration of the child they'd created. Spike and Buffy had declared a truce when they decided to wait until she came home again to decide their future. Their baby nursing at her breast had reminded them of how much they'd love each other not that long ago and she was hope that maybe one day they'd find that love again. All of their children had held the newest member and echoed the same agreement to her name.

It was time to introduce her to the rest of the family. Everyone from Sunnydale and Los Angeles were there to greet her. Spike cradled her in his arms as he walked to the waiting room. He looked around at the faces filling the small space and knew that Drusilla's vision had been correct. The Aurelius line had been restored and was more powerful than it had ever been because it now fought in the light.   He smiled as they stood and gathered around them.

"Everyone I would like to introduce you to my daughter," Spike said, turning so everyone could see her, "Journey Aurelia Blood."

_to__ be continued…._

**Song lyrics are 'Oh Father' by Madonna

  
  



	54. From the Ashes

**Chapter 53 – From the Ashes**

_March 24, 2008_7:45 AM____

_My right hand holds matches_

_My left holds my past_

_I hope the wind catches _

_And burns it down fast_

Her hands wouldn't stop shaking. They seemed to have a life of their own as they twitched and jerked in her lap. Buffy slipped them under her legs hoping that if she couldn't stop them then she could hide them. It didn't help because the rest of her body was following suit; trembling and shivering all over. She feared that her body was going to shatter into the million pieces her heart seemed to be in.

Once when she was a girl she'd told Willow that Angel leaving her left her feeling like she couldn't breathe. She would welcome that hurt now. It in no way compared to the pain she was in now; wracking her down to her very soul.  She was empty. A vessel discarded by the very beings she had kept alive within her. Drusilla who had filled her mind with endless chatter, William who had never left her heart since she was sixteen and her baby that had filled her womb; they were all gone. She was as blank as the day that her father's sperm had met her mother's egg.

And she had no one to blame but herself.

Buffy reached into the back seat of the car to grab her jacket and pull it around her shoulders. It was so cold that she didn't think she'd ever be warm again. 

"Are you all right, Buffy?" Giles asked. "Do you need to go back?"

But it wasn't really what he was asking. What he was asking was if she wanted to go back. Did she? Yes, more than anything. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered walking down to nursery to have one last look at Journey before Giles drove her to the clinic. But her baby was gone. The nurses were apologetic as they told her that her husband had picked the infant up a mere fifteen minutes before. Didn't he come by and see her? Her eyes closed as she leaned against the window.

"No, I can't," Buffy whispered. "I don't trust myself to be around them."

It was the simplest explanation she could give. She didn't trust herself because she didn't know who she was anymore. So, how could William? It was funny that she had expected him to know and understand though. He had always known the secrets of her heart especially the ones she wasn't willing to face. But he didn't know anymore because she had pushed him away like she had a thousand other times. This time she didn't think he was coming back. 

How the tables had turned. The good had become evil and the evil had become good. Their roles were reversed and she was now the one looking through the window wishing she could belong. Buffy choked back a sob as they crossed the line taking them out of Sunnydale. Unable to let go, she turned in her seat to watch it retreat behind her. Everything was back there. She didn't even have the familiar anymore.

Buffy turned around when she couldn't see anything but the road anymore. She stared at Giles driving without comment. He was the only one that volunteered to take her. Everyone else was too angry with her or too hurt to deal with it. 

"Why?" 

Giles glanced at her and gave that tired smile he always wore when they were teenagers.

"It felt like my duty and…and my responsibility."

"You're not my watcher anymore," Buffy said, looking to stare at the scenery. "I'm not even the Slayer anymore. I'm nothing."

"Bullshit, Buffy," Giles said, surprising her with the expletive. "Self-pity isn't going to get you anything or anywhere. You need to take responsibility for what you've done, deal with it and go home to your family. You're a mother now for God's sake and that is not nothing. That is everything."

Chastised, Buffy wrung her hands together and smiled at the gesture. It was familiar. It was something to cling to even no matter how small it might appear to be. They rode in silence the rest of the way to the clinic that would be her new home for awhile. Giles pulled the car up to the entrance and started to step out.

"No, you're right," Buffy said, laying her hand on his arm. "It's time that I took responsibility and it may as well start with me walking in by myself." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "And thank you for everything."

"You're welcome."

Buffy stepped from the car, took her suitcase from the backseat, waved good-bye to Giles and walked in to face her demons.

~~~~~~~~~

_March 29, 2008_1:46 PM____

  
_I'm gonna step into the fire_

_With my failures and my shame_

The girl in the mirror kept mocking her.

It was the girl who once had the world by the tail and didn't even realize it. She was a constant reminder with her blonde hair, green eyes and slim body that Buffy had failed. It wasn't thought out; it was a gesture of futile hope, as she shattered the mirror with her bare hand. From outside her open door, she heard Judson, another patient, rushing away and muttering that he knew the new one was violent.

Buffy stared at the pieces of the glass and the fragmented reflection of her face. There that was better. Now everything was in pieces including that idiot girl who didn't have a clue except beyond her clothes and her selfish desire to date.

"Everything okay?" Essie said, walking up behind her. 

"Now it is," Buffy whispered, turning to look at the woman beside her. Essie was one of the most beautiful women she'd ever seen. She was petite, with short blonde hair and blue eyes the color of a summer sky. And her heart was as beautiful as her looks. "I…couldn't stand looking at her anymore."

Buffy had been there for three days now clinging to the wall around her. Afraid of the repercussions of letting go she'd held her emotions close to her breast. She paced the room, stepping out of the way of the broken glass and Essie now sitting on the edge of her bed. If something didn't happen soon she was going to explode. Like a junkie in withdrawal the shaking had returned. Her body unable to hold onto her overloaded senses anymore was going to give up the fight.

"It's all there in my head," Buffy said, turning to walk the other way. "Telling me what a bitch I am, how stupid I was, how vicious I was in my certainty that I was right. I can't sit still because it will suffocate me."

"What do you want to do, Buffy? Not the answer that you think you should give but what are your senses telling you?"

"To run."

It was simple. Catch a train or a plane away from Sunnydale. Start a new life somewhere with no reminders of her past. They could be squirreled away like William's memories.

"Come on," Essie said, taking her hand. She led Buffy to the back entrance of the clinic and tugged her outside. "I know it's probably not what you intended." She swept an arm out the landscape behind them. Hills and forest stretched for as far as the eye could see. "Run. There's five hundred acres for you to pound away at the wall you're behind." She slipped a cell phone in Buffy's pocket and gave her a gentle push. "You won't heal until you let it loose. And it sounds like you're ready to do that."

"What if I get lost?"

"You won't," Essie said. "The cell phone has a two way radio and I'm going to give you a ten minute head start then I'll follow on horseback. You're safe."

Buffy felt silly at first and only walked through the field. But the voices came; bringing with them the recriminations they always did and she walked faster. By the time she hit the line of trees she was jogging and it was only a matter of moments before she was running like the hounds of hell was after her. But they were. Her hounds carefully raised to protect the persona she'd perfected since she was fifteen.

They nipped at her heels as they barked out the truth and fears. You took a good man and you broke his heart. You let your children be in danger. You were a lousy friend. You were always more concerned with how things affected you. You let Jenny die. You had a stranger punished for something that she didn't really do. Every fault she'd ever carried any guilt for rained down around her as she ran.

She fell, sprawling onto the ground when she tripped over a tree root. Buffy lay there for a moment listening to the pounding of her heart and feeling the sweat as it rolled down her body. She sat up and spat the dirt from her mouth. But as soon as she opened her mouth, she screamed. Every single time she'd stifled anything in her life was set free as the mournful wails left her. And finally when her throat was raw and the only sound she could make was a squeak, she found her catharsis in tears. Arms held her when Essie found her and she lay there in the leaves and the dirt as her soul emptied itself.

"Cry it all out," Essie cooed, stroking her back. "Don't let anything remain in those dark corners. Pull it all out and let it go."

It could have been hours that she cried. Buffy wasn't sure of anything when she weakly pushed herself to stand. A final sniffle accompanied by a dirty hand that wiped the tears from her cheeks left her looking like a child that had been lost for too long. And for the first time since she could remember when Buffy felt strong and sure even standing in the ruins of her life. Hope had been unburied and she held onto it with a death grip

~~~~~~~~~~

_April 8, 2008__1:20 PM___

_And wave goodbye to yesterday_

_As I dance among the flames_

Monday through Friday from 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM she sat in this office wrapped in a blanket and talked. It didn't matter what the subject was. The only thing that mattered was that she didn't hold back, didn't care what anyone thought, it was who she really was. Essie listened, curled in the chair across from her, never judging, never expecting anything but the truth.

She said the words she'd never said before. The beauty of making love for the first time, the horror of watching that love falling apart, the things that slipped through her fingers, the dreams she could never have, the love for a vampire that still terrified with its intensity. The need to punish herself for all the things she should have done and never did. It was all laid bare, ugly, scary, joyous, and welcoming, while she worked her way through boxes of tissues. 

Twice a week Sara joined them, offering nudges when Buffy became caught in a loop, asking questions of things she already knew. Slowly the landscape of her life became a bit easier to traverse as the road was cleared of debris. 

Today it was just Buffy and Essie facing her guilt.

"What were you trying to accomplish by having Nikki attacked?"

"To make me feel like I was fighting for him," Buffy said, ducking her head. "Twice in a year he's looked to another woman for something he can't find with me."

"Did it work?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, it only made it worse. It's one of the things he can't forgive me for."

"Did he tell you that?"

"It's something that I can't forgive myself for."

"Am I going to have to pry this out of you? Why? Why no forgiveness? Why did you think it was all right to hire someone to attack a woman that your husband didn't even sleep with?"

"So, it would have been all right if he had?" Buffy said, smiling. 

"Maybe a little more understandable," Essie said, returning the smile.

Buffy drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "I was so pissed. More than pissed I was enraged at the thought that my husband, my lover, would even look at a two bit tramp he picked up in a bar." She flung her arms and head back against the couch. "Arrgh, just like Riley did. Damn it. They all fucking do this. Angel turned his back on me and walked away, Riley was letting some vampire whore suck from him and William…oh God, I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt them all but I couldn't do anything to William. I needed him to survive. Drusilla was there encouraging me. And it felt good to strike back for once. They never heard my rage and my pain. They told me how I was supposed to feel. They told me what I wanted. Decisions without my consent and I hated them for it." She buried her face in her hands as the tears came again. "All I wanted was to be loved."

"Were they without pain? Did you listen to their feelings?"

"No," Buffy whispered. "Their pain was my fault. I wanted things they couldn't give me. I've always demanded too much."

"Asking for what you need is not demanding too much," Essie said. "William didn't do it though. He may have faltered but he chose to do the right thing in the end. Why do something that would only push him away? Was it you or Drusilla that came up with this plan?"

"Dru."

"What did she have to gain by encouraging you in an act that would drive another wedge in your marriage?"

It was too simple and she'd been too blinded to see.

"William," Buffy said. "If he hated me then he would be free for her."

~~~~~~~~~~

_April 13, 2008_ 1:__05 PM____

_Don't try to save me now_

_Let the walls of my world all burn down_

_Just stand back and wait 'til the smoke finally passes_

_And I will rise from the ashes_

"Buffy," Nurse Calloway said, her voice breaking through the Slayer's attempt at journaling and making Buffy look up with startled eyes. "You have visitors."

_William. Journey._

Her heart soared with hope as Buffy made her way to the lobby. He'd come. She turned the corner and felt her heart break again. It was Raven that saw Buffy's attempt to hide her pain behind a mask of happiness. Her daughter ran to her and wrapped her in arms as strong as her own.

"I'm sorry, Mummy," Raven whispered, her fingers petting her mother's back. "He wouldn't come. I begged him but he wouldn't."

"It's okay," Buffy said, determined that her child wouldn't carry the guilt of her sins. "It's okay. I should have known he wouldn't." She opened one arm to the others who'd come with Raven: Sean, Josh, Dawn, Connor, Clem and Bryant. They were the ones who'd been able to stand by her during her entire pregnancy without judging or turning from her instantly surrounded her in a group hug. She accepted kisses and touches as they welcomed her back into the fold. 

"We brought presents," Bryant said, holding his hand up to show her the gift bag he held.

"Goody," Buffy said. She turned to the nurse at the front desk to let her know she was taking over the small lounge that the group sessions were held in. Once given an approval, Buffy led them to the back of the building to a room that overlooked the courtyard. "Come on, everybody sit, talk to me."

"He's good, Mum," Sean said, sitting on one side of her. "Dad is Dad. He's taken over everything and seems happy doing it. And Journey, we've started calling her Joy, is just that, a joy."

"Daddy's joy," Buffy said. "And Elijah?"

Raven looked away then back to her mother. Buffy could see the anger that still lingered in the teenager's eyes. "He's doing better. He's confused because there isn't anyone to connect to anymore. And he thinks he's failed because you and...her are gone." Raven spat.

"I was wrong, Raven," Buffy admitted. "At the time, with the things that were going on, I thought I was right but I wasn't."

There was almost a relief that went through the young people at her confession. The sincerity of her words seemed to free them as they broke out into gossip about what everyone was doing. For a few minutes she was brought up to date with everyone's lives until Bryant lay the first present on her lap. 

"Thank you," Buffy said opening the bag and pulling out her gift wrapped in tissue paper. Carefully she unfolded it to reveal a picture of Spike and Journey. It had to have been late or a particularly brutal day because Spike's hair was sticking out all over, his eyes bleary as he fed their baby. It was the most beautiful thing she'd every seen and wished she was ready to go home. "Again thank you. I'll treasure this."

"Another one," Dawn said, putting a small box on her lap next. 

This one was a picture of her four children with Elijah holding Journey and the teens flanking them. A tear fell onto the glass and she wondered if they knew something she didn't. That these small tokens would be all she'd have to remember her family by. 

The rest of the visit passed in a happy blur of playing cards and eating the cookies that Del had sent. Buffy refused to let anymore sadness into the day and simply enjoyed the companionship of the young people. By the time they left she was emotionally exhausted and went to seek Essie out. The doctor was sitting at her desk doing paperwork and Buffy offered her a cookie. 

"Thanks, Buffy," Essie said, biting into the chocolate chip masterpiece. "Oh my, this is good. So, how did your visit go?"

"Good," Buffy said, looking around before meeting those eyes again. "I was wondering if I could take one of the horses out. I really enjoyed it the day that you brought me back and I just want to get out of here for a little while."

"Want some company?" Essie asked. "This is stuff that can wait. I could stand to get out of here for a little while."

Buffy had discovered a new passion in horseback riding. The day that she had taken the run, Essie had brought her back on her horse. It had been exhilarating, rivaling the feel of riding on the motorcycle with Spike, but she wanted more control. The rest of the afternoon was spent learning how to flow with the animal's movements and to control the speed. By the time they returned to the clinic, galloping through the field, Buffy knew that soon she'd have her own horse. It was love at first sight and the feeling of flying was something to be included in the new life she was building.

~~~~~~~~~

_April 29, 2008_4:15 PM__

_For all that I'm losing_

_Much more will I gain_

_Don't hope, don't hope, it's not him, don't hope_, Buffy chanted in her mind as she headed for the lobby again. She'd been paged to the front and knew it had to be a visitor. Taking a deep breath she turned the corner and looked for who had come to see her. She stopped suddenly when she saw that it was Cordelia. Their eyes connected and Buffy could see the need for a friend in her long time rival. The next thing she knew they were hugging. Not a phony 'because we have to hug but because we need to hug' hug.

"Hi, Buffy," Cordelia said, stepping back. "I hope you don't mind me stopping by."

"Oh, yes, it's right on your daily route," Buffy said, taking the brunette's hand to lead her out to the garden. "What made you jump in the car and drive over two hours to visit me?"

"I need an ally," Cordelia said honestly, sinking down on the bench next to Buffy. "They're bitches, every single last one of them, bitches." She hid a sob as she looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry. You are the last person who needs someone coming undone on them since you're a little undone yourself."

Buffy laughed. Even in agony, Cordelia still had the tongue of a viper. It was almost comforting in her need for reminders of home.

"It's okay," Buffy said. "Who are these bitches that you're referring to?"

"Do you know that we have become the outcasts? You and me," Cordelia said. "Everyone has taken their sides and we have become the family pariahs. Do they ever think about what the hell we go through with those vampires? We live with them but the first time something isn't to their liking we're instantly at fault."

"But we did what they are accusing us of," Buffy said gently. "Give Angel time. He'll come around."

"Do you know what he did to me? Me?" Cordelia said, laying her hand on her chest. "He had the audacity to serve me with divorce papers."

It couldn't be true. Dawn had told Buffy what had happened but she didn't think Angel would take it so hard. It wasn't pleasant but it wasn't anything like what she had done to William. If they were as close as she thought they were then it didn't seem like it would take much time until she received her papers, too.

"What did you do?"

"Shredded them and sent them back. He's not going to get rid of me so easily. He and Spike are all heady on this power trip since they decided to establish Aurelius Enterprises. They're running around like frickin' mob bosses or something." Cordelia stood to pace the small pathway. "Do you know that they're even talking about backing a construction company for Xander? Xander, of all people is in good with Angel while me, who went through hell several times with that vampire, he's trying to get rid of. I am so pissed."

"Stay that way," Buffy advised. "What else are they doing?"

Cordelia settled on the bench again. "They're establishing a house for troubled women. It's going to be called the _Drusilla House_ and they're thinking about using _Sanctuary_ for it. I have established myself to run the charity side of the company with you helping me."

"How did you manage that?"

"Blackmail, pure and simple, I know too much and said I'd blow his life wide open. It wasn't pretty but like I told him, I'm not going anywhere." Cordelia quieted for a moment before glancing at Buffy. "I love him too much to let him go now."

"Keep fighting," Buffy said, staring off into the distance. "Someone needs to."

"Have you given up? Don't you still love Spike?"

"Neither here nor there at this point," Buffy said. "Until I'm out of here everything is on hold."

"Since my loving husband kicked me out of the house," Cordelia said, with a grin gracing her face. "I rented a very nice beach house for me to live in. If things don't work out…well, if you find yourself in the same situation you can come and stay with me. It's way too huge for one person."

Buffy laughed at the thought of her and Cordelia being roommates but sobered quickly. She never thought that Spike would stop loving her but it had happened. So, maybe a house on the beach wasn't so far fetched. She nodded to accept the offer if need be.

"Why did you get such a big place?"

"I'm spending his money as fast as I can. I know it's juvenile but if he's pissed, he cares, so I'll keep getting one emotion or another out of him."

"At least he's thinking of you," Buffy said wondering if William ever thought of her anymore. 

"Don't Buffy; he's just really upset and confused. I've never seen anyone go through so much just so they could love someone. It's not going to die so easily."

"But I abandoned his children and…"

"You stop that," Cordelia said, grabbing her hand. "You have not abandoned your children. If they would open their damn eyes they'd see that too. You have left them with a loving parent, so many family members that they're never alone, you brought Del in to care for the house and be a surrogate grand-parent for them and damn, woman, you even arranged to have your breast milk delivered everyday so that Journey has the best nutrition possible. That's a hell of a lot more than a lot of parents would do. If you're not well then you're no good for them. You made the best decision possible. Yeah, you screwed up before but it's not like you didn't have a gazillion outside forces hindering your decision making processes."

"Well, gee," Buffy said, laughing.  "I never thought I'd see the day when Cordelia Chase was fighting on my side."

"Just listen to me, woman. We're going to make it because that damn family wouldn't exist if we hadn't pushed those vampires to get their acts together," Cordelia said, her eyes shiny with tears as she hugged Buffy. "Don't give up. Not ever."

~~~~~~~~~

_May 8, 2008__9:58 AM___

_The hard part is choosing_

_To change what needs to be changed_

_My step will be much lighter_

_With these demons off my chest_

All the patients with arrangements to go into town were standing outside the clinic waiting for the van. Buffy stood off to the side. Even after weeks of being there she still hadn't accepted anyone's friendship. She needed the isolation to learn the rhythms of her body and mind again. To get used to the quiet inside her mind, that ached sometimes with the loneliness of not having anyone else's thoughts flooding it. 

This was also the first time since she'd arrived that she was facing the outside world again. It was terrifying but her time here was dwindling and she needed to acclimate herself to living again. When the van stopped, Buffy climbed into the back seat, curling into a corner while the others, chattering in friendly tones sat closer to the front. 

"Do you mind if I sit here?" Judson asked, waving a hand at the seat.

"That's fine," Buffy said, wondering why he'd want to be by her. He'd constantly picked on her in group sessions and watched her like a hawk for something to be wrong so he could report her.

"I don't hate you, you know," Judson said, speaking after they had been on the road for awhile. "You're just too intense for me."

The confession surprised her as she studied him for a moment. Without thinking about it she reached over and tucked a lock of his long brown hair behind his ear. It was then that she realized who he reminded her of. He was a modern day William, shy in general, especially nervous around women, artistic but smart. She smiled at him and he returned it. 

"Sorry, but life is too intense for me right now," Buffy said, turning on the seat so she was facing him. "You remind me of my husband."

"He's a lucky man."

"He doesn't think so," Buffy said. "Not right now."

Judson smiled at her. "He did before and he will again."

Before she could ask him what he meant, the driver was pulling into a parking lot. He gave them quick instructions on when to return and everyone was piling out of the vehicle. 

"Do you want me to show you around?" Judson asked, his hand gesturing to the main street of the small town north of the clinic. "I mean…I know…since you've never been here before."

"Yeah, I'd like that," Buffy said. 

There wasn't really a lot to show as they walked up and down the street. Occasionally they'd stroll into a store. The bookstore was a must for Judson because he was out of reading materials and he bought some books and magazines. It was as they passed the hair salon for the second time that Buffy hesitated. Her hand went over her hair that was reflected in the window. New start; new me, and she walked in followed by her new friend. Two hours later they walked back out. The realization that she'd really done it became real as her fingers went over the new style she'd chosen. It was totally different and she wondered if Spike would like it. She sighed because she knew he'd hate it. 

"I made a mistake," Buffy cried. "Oh, God, he'll hate it and take it as one more sign I don't love him."

Judson ran fingers over her hair. "It's beautiful, Buffy, just like you are. You said that the girl you were is gone and this reflects more of the woman you want to be. He'll learn to appreciate it."

"Thank you," Buffy said, relaxing a little. She was twenty-seven, not sixteen or nineteen and as time made changes in her face, was it such a crime that the rest of her would change with it?"

"Come on," Judson said, taking her hand. "We need to get back so we don't miss the van."

On the way back to the clinic the two huddled together in the back seat talking. She hated the feelings that this man gave her. He made her feel like she did when she was in high school. The fluttery feelings in her stomach as she discovered someone new. But instead of making her want to be with Judson, they only made her long for what she and William never had; the first date, the first hesitant kiss, and all the silly feelings that came with new love. Her fingers played with her wedding band and let memories flood her being.

That night she went to look for Judson in the dining room and found he'd checked out. He left her a small note saying it was for the best that he left now. He told her to always leave her heart open and that she was the most effulgent woman he'd ever met.

And for the first time she had real hope that her marriage might survive.

~~~~~~~~~

_May 12, 2008_ 1:__02 PM____

_I'm born a better spirit_

_And lay the old to rest_

"We're playing dress up?" Buffy asked, sitting on the floor across from Essie and eyeing the piles of gaudy beads between them.

"No, not today," Essie said, laughing. "Remember the list I asked you to do last week; the one where you write down all your responsibilities and the name of everyone in your life?"

Buffy nodded.

"There is a string of beads for each of those responsibilities and names. We've talked that you are going to be starting a new chapter of your life. So, what I want you to do is decide what and who you are taking into your new life."

"It's not that simple. Some things are chosen for you."

"No, they're not, Buffy. Someone can tell you something, even to be a Slayer, but you don't have to accept it. You could have walked away; that was something you established with Sara, right?"

"Yes, ma'am," Buffy said, smiling. "So, how do I start?"

"First I want you to remove your engagement ring and wedding band and put them together over here," Essie said, pointing to the left of the other piles. She continued to point her way through the piles. "There is a pile for your children, your friends, the dog, people you've known in the past. The ones for the past are so you can decide if you want to hold onto their memory or let them go. And there is one for the duties of the Slayer and the responsibilities that you do in your life; like teaching the classes. Start anywhere you want."

The children were the easiest and Buffy quickly looped the four strands of beads around her neck. The dog was next to be added. She sorted through her responsibilities, picking up most and discarded a few that she really didn't like. They weren't really life threatening just chores she didn't like to do but figured somewhere along the lines she'd pick them up again. She sorted through the ones for the people from the past; her mother, Kendra, Faith were easy to add. The only one from her past that she let go of was her father. It had been years since they'd heard from and she decided that he wasn't worth her time or grief anymore. After a few moments of wavering she added Drusilla because in the end they had established a rapport that would burn in her heart for years. Dru had helped her through those last few days in spite of everything else that had happened. 

Buffy divided out beads for the people currently in her life by LA and Sunnydale. In the end she added them all knowing that each person was essential in some way and worthy of being loved by the mere fact that they fought in their war. And in the end they were her family. A family she loved to be included in.

By this time strands were being wrapped around her wrists and ankles. The last two things lying before her was her rings and the strand of beads for being the Slayer. She fingered the beads and looped them on her wrist. Even if she wasn't the official Slayer anymore, she knew that the battle would continue to rage and she did want to be a part of it. Relief swept through as she realized that her life was truly her own and it wasn't something she'd fallen into. The people she loved and the daily tasks were all a part of who she was.

The last was the rings. Tears filled her eyes as she searched her heart for the truth. It wasn't hard to find and the rings were slipped on her hand again.

"I want my marriage to work," Buffy said, looking at the first time at the woman in front of her. "He is my heart and has been for years. It's not perfect and probably never will be but it's ours for better or worse. And I love him in spite of his faults and I love him for all the good things about him. I love him for being merely who he is."

~~~~~~~~~

_May 14, 2008_4:45 PM____

_I'll walk away stronger_

_I will be flyin'_

_Higher and truer_

_Then I've flown before_

For two days she'd worn the beads, never taking them off, letting them be a constant reminder of who she was and who she wanted to be. They weren't heavy but rather came to be seen as a joy as she would touch them and think of the person or thing they represented. For the first time in years she felt whole and complete. 

And she knew it was time.

Buffy entered her therapist's office with butterflies dancing in her stomach. Before she could lose her courage she set the box on Essie's desk before sitting in a chair. 

"What's in the box?"

"The beads," Buffy said. "I decorated the box in art therapy to hold them."

The box was covered in blue tissue paper with pictures of hearts and angels glued on. The top was inscribed with the words _Buffy's Heart_. She knew it was silly, like something she would have made in junior high to hold her diaries but it meant something to her. Every time she'd doubt her life she could pull the box out and remind herself what was really important.

"And what are you trying to tell with bringing this here?" Essie asked, running her finger over the top.

"I'm ready to go home."

"I agree," Essie said with a smile. "However, I'd like for you to have one more group and individual session."

Buffy nodded. "That's fine." Her finger ran along the edge of the desk as she sorted through her fears. "Would you call William and ask him if he'd come to pick me up? If I call he'll say yes just because I asked but if you call he'll be more honest."

Essie picked up the phone to call her husband and Buffy waited, praying for him to want to pick her up. The phone was dropped back on the cradle and Essie smiled. "He'll be here at three tomorrow. So, is that good news?"

"Yes," Buffy said, elated. "If he's coming to pick me up himself then that means he wants us to at least talk things out. If he's willing to talk then it means he's willing to try."

Maybe they would find a way back to each other.  
  


_to be continued…_

**A/N:  **Song lyrics are from 'From the Ashes' by Martina McBride.


	55. The Back of Your Hand

**Chapter 54 – The Back of Your Hand**

_May 15, 2008_2:15 PM____

_When you give it up for gone**_

_But you're still digging in your mind_

_And you're staring out the window_

_Saying everything will be just fine_

His fingers beat on the steering wheel in time to the questions in his head. Everything in Spike's heart told him to run before this consumed him. He had let go once and almost drowned. Now he didn't know if he could trust her to keep him afloat anymore. Buffy had been gone for over seven weeks to a place where he couldn't reach her.  

_And you let her leave thinking you hated her for it._

Would she still love him? Did he still love her? He didn't know anymore. Last summer he would have said yes without hesitation. The trust between them had been broken leaving him questioning the validity of his own heart. He knew she had done what she thought she had to do; to protect him, to protect their family and their baby.  The baby she had deserted when Journey was only a day old. 

_You didn't even let her say good-bye to her baby._

Who was the guiltier of the two? Who was right and wrong? Did it even matter anymore? Was there even a 'them' anymore? Did either of them want to find out? Hell, he wasn't sure he even wanted to breech the chasm that separated them anymore. One thing he did know was that the place in his heart, soul and life that Buffy once filled was a yawning, aching void. And he stood teetering on the edge of the precipice unsure of whether to jump back in or run to safety.

The call had come yesterday saying she was ready to come home. So, he had come. Everyone was at home, giddy with expectation. The house was decorated in festive colors and signs welcoming her home. No one had asked if he even wanted her back. He hadn't been given a choice. So, here he was doing his duty. His wife would come home. She would resume her role in the family and household. She would take over being Journey's primary caretaker. And…

_Where the hell does that leave me?_

Spike slammed his hand on the steering wheel and jumped out of the truck. Before he could give into his basic instinct to flee he strode into the foyer of the Brandon Clinic. He gave a quick glance around before approaching the front desk and telling the receptionist what he was there for. The peppy woman told him that his wife was out in the courtyard along with directions on how to get there.

"Thanks," Spike said, over his shoulder as he headed toward the door.  The day was bright and he blinked behind his sunglasses as he searched for his wife. He didn't spot her at first among the people wandering through the garden. A woman approached him and he turned to ask her if she knew his wife when he realized it was Buffy. Ten years and he almost didn't recognize her.

_Who are you? Why did you leave me alone?_

Spike was grateful for the glasses as his eyes filled with tears. Neither spoke or moved as he took stock of the woman standing before him. The golden cloud of hair that he adored was gone replaced by a short pixie style in her natural color.  Her body changed by pregnancy and time was still petite but her hips had widened while her breasts were heavy with his child's nourishment. But it was her eyes that ripped his soul in two. They were the same chameleon hazel that would tell her moods but they showed the agony of the last year in their depths. He stared into them for a moment noting the wisdom and serenity also dwelling in their depths. It scared him.

Buffy smiled gently at him. "Hello, William."

It seemed that somehow even he was vanished from her life. Spike wasn't welcome. She only called him William anymore. His hand lifted and fell in a feeble attempt to find something to anchor himself to but there was nothing there…nothing at all.

"Hi," Spike said. "You ready to go. The kids have a party planned so…"

"Respond accordingly. You don't need to tell me," Buffy said, tilting her head. And if there had been any mischief in her eyes he would think she was a fairy or sprite. "I'll behave."

Spike sighed and followed her out to the lobby. While she said good-bye to the staff, he waited by her suitcases left by the door. Her laughter was genuine and the affection easy as she spoke to the people surrounding her.  

_How long has it been since we were happy to be with each other?_

Buffy walked toward him her smile fading with each step. It was as if she knew every emotion that was coursing through him. He pushed the door open and waited for her to step through before following. She led the way to the parking lot until she stopped at the edge glancing around perplexed. 

"It's over here," Spike said, leading them to a dark blue Lincoln Navigator. "I bought it when I got Sean a car for his birthday. The Desoto has been retired."

"Any other changes I should know about?" Buffy asked her voice tempered with a touch of trepidation and anger.

"Any others I should know about?" Spike answered, his fingers flipping her hair.

She didn't answer just turned on her heel and climbed in. Forgetting all the rules he'd given himself, Spike decided he could play that game if that was what she wanted. The back gate was slammed shut after he tossed her bags in the back. The driver's door followed suit a few seconds later.

"Bloody fucking typical," Buffy muttered.

"That's redundant," Spike answered as he pulled out of the space. "And what do you consider typical?"

"You being a jerk," Buffy snapped, staring at him. "You did it the last time I came back. Pile the guilt on Buffy for daring to leave you and make sure she's properly punished for needing time."

"Do I get the fucking time?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew it was a mistake. His eyes closed while he stopped the truck. 

_I don't want to do this. I am so tired of fighting you._

"I gave you the time and welcomed you back with open arms…twice," Buffy whispered. "Everybody gets forgiven but me. Drusilla, Angel, Max and when it comes to me I have to bear the weight of all their cruelty and mistakes."

"Oh, yes, Buffy, I'm so sorry for being hurt," Spike said, throwing the truck into park. "Let's count the ways you have _never_ hurt me or been cruel or didn't trust me."

Buffy grabbed his hand, slamming it into her face and horrified he stared at what she had done. 

"Beat me, please. Let it out, all of it and get it over with. I can take it. Lay all your pain on me," Buffy cried. "Just show me something besides the anger, silence and guilt."

"I don't even know who the fuck you are anymore," Spike whispered. 

"Same goes here." Buffy snapped, turning to stare out the window.

_Baby, how did we get here? I can't even see you in this woman that's sitting beside me._

~~~~~~~~~~

_May 15, 2008_2:38 PM____

_Keeping with the whole affair_

_Every word seems out of line_

The radio droned on but Spike wasn't paying attention as he stared at the road in front of him. They hadn't spoken a word to each other since they left the clinic. The silence was uncomfortable and he didn't know how to break it. He wanted to talk to her even if it was for a polite conversation about the weather. Or they could talk about the four children they had between them or even the dog. There were a thousand subjects they could catch up on or hash out but neither opened their mouths. So, he continued to drive without saying anything or even glancing at her.

A favorite memory tickled at his nose.

Surprised, Spike whipped his head around to stare at Buffy. She stared steadfast out the window and refused to acknowledge him. The only indication she wasn't a mannequin was the slight fidget of her hips causing another wave to assault him. 

_Bloody hell, she's horny…is it for me? Was it the fight? Or is it because she's been without for so long?_

"Watch out," Buffy yelped, grabbing his arm.

"Oh, bollocks," Spike said, when he looked up and found the truck had slipped onto the shoulder of the road. He quickly turned the wheel so they were back on asphalt again. "Sorry."

"That's okay," Buffy said, laughter lilting along her words. 

Her fingers slipped from his arm, hovering for a second before Buffy ghosted them along his flesh. Suddenly it didn't matter why she was because he was too. One touch of her hand and he was becoming hard.

"Everyone is at the house."

"Oh."

There was disappointment in her tone as she turned to stare out the window again. Spike tried to convince himself it was better this way. They needed to talk and make decisions about their lives before they even thought about sex. He rolled the window down a crack but it seemed to make her scent stronger as the wind blew it throughout the truck. The exit leading to Baker Woods was only a couple of minutes away and he warred with himself in those one-hundred-and-twenty seconds.

_Come on, mate, she's still your wife, your mate and she's hot, really hot from the smell. Give in…no, need to be all proper about this. Go home, have the party, then you two can have the 'where the hell do we go from here' conversation and decide your lives…_

The tires squealed as he took the exit at the last second. He glanced at Buffy but she didn't say anything. One last time was all he could think of. What if that night they did decide to break up? Would he never touch her again? And he was reluctant to admit that underneath his supposed noble intentions his body was making his choice. _Get laid now_.

The truck was stopped on a small dirt road deep in the woods. For a second they both sat there and knowing he needed to be the one to speak, Spike searched for the words he needed.

"I…I'm not making promises or agreeing to anything by this," Spike said, staring out the windshield. "Or am I reading you wrong or…no, I know I'm not but…Buffy why?"

"For the same reasons I've always wanted you."

Spike watched as she slipped her sandals off and crawled into the back. 

_What are we doing? We haven't seen each in weeks.  We were fighting less than an hour ago. Not that it's a first time for that…or even unusual for us…it's us._

A tiny something let go somewhere in Spike's heart as he joined Buffy in the back seat. They didn't even look at each other as she pulled her skirt up and he pulled his shirt off. It was awkward as he reached for her; not knowing how to touch her anymore. Buffy slid down onto the seat and his hands reached to pull her panties off but she stopped him by putting her hands on his.

"There's something else," Buffy whispered, staring at a spot over his shoulder. A hand waved over her pubic area. "I haven't…there didn't seem to be any need and…"

His fingers hooked into the elastic as her hips lifted to aid him in their removal. It was after he dropped them on the floor that he looked up and gazed upon an untrimmed Buffy. Something else that wasn't familiar and he ran his fingers through the brown curls that covered her. Deciding it didn't matter Spike laid on top of her. He wasn't going to stop now. Their kiss was clumsy, taking a few starts, nervous laughter and head tilting to find their way back. They began to touch each other, automatically reaching and caressing places that were known to elicit responses. Spike began to lose himself in the act they were committing and as long as he didn't look into the face of the stranger he was all right. 

_Keep your eyes closed and feel. Feel the way she's kissing you, it's your Buffy, feel her hands grabbing your ass, it's her, your girl…_

"Oh, God, William," Buffy moaned wrapping a leg around his hip.

_Why aren't I Spike to you anymore? Don't you love me anymore?_

The lies and pep talks weren't working anymore. His heart didn't want this anymore but his body did. His body responded to her like it always did; a runaway train or a fire in dry grass. Buffy reached between them and he rose up to allow her to undo his jeans. His manhood eager for her touch bounded out of its confines and she welcomed it with her tiny hands. He wanted to cry for the familiarity and the strangeness of her touch. 

Needing to be a part of this, to find something that would make this okay, his hands skimmed over her body. Her breasts were heavy and overflowed his hand.

"Don't squeeze too much," Buffy said. "It's almost time to…"

_Pump them. _

He left her breasts alone, bound in their serviceable nursing bra and moved to her hips. They were soft and pliant as he squeezed them. He wished they were some place where he could strip her and explore at his leisure to find all the places that he knew. To find his girl in this woman's body. His fingers skimmed over her secret place as a rush of her desire waved over his fingers. 

_You're still so hot. Please, let it be me that makes you this way._

Buffy pulled him on top of her again, kissed him as he reached between them. His manhood needed no encouragement as it found its way home inside of her. If it could speak, it would be screaming its joy for anyone to hear; I'm home…I'm where I belong…don't ever let me go. 

_She's not as tight as she used to be. Why do I have to look for the bad things? Because you're scared she's finally realized the past six years have been a mistake. That this time when you go to look for her she'll be gone…like she was two months ago._

Losing himself in the sensations rallying through his body, Spike settled into a punishing rhythm that had Buffy hands against the door to keep her head from banging into it. It was almost mechanical as his mind chronicled everything that was going on; the feel of her beneath him, the truck rocking back and forth, the sound of their bodies meeting, the squeaking of the leather as they slid on it, a bird screaming as it flew overhead.

_Just get both of you off and it'll be over with._

He only concentrated on what he was feeling until Buffy cried out in pain. He stopped to look down at her.

"You okay?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Buffy said. "I'm just a little more tender than I thought I'd be."

She'd given birth two months ago and he hadn't even asked if she was healed. He hadn't even given her any consideration.

"Don't," Buffy whispered, cupping his cheek. "Like I said I'm fine and if we could just go a little slower it would be great."

Spike nodded. Without breaking contact with her eyes, he started to rock and grind his hips against her, and the glaze of desire in green depths let him know this was what she needed. He stopped thinking about what he needed and started thinking about the woman beneath him. Buffy started to make those little noises she did and he watched the pleasure as it played out across her features. She came, shuddering, her mouth that little 'o', her eyes half closed and he grinned at her usual routine of orgasmic bliss. The joy at finding a link to what he knew sent him over the edge and he released himself deep inside of her.

"Oh my god, oh my god, get off me, oh my god," Buffy stammered and cried, pushing at his shoulders. "What the hell have we done?"

_We fucked._

Confused and uncertain, Spike retreated to the other side of the truck. Buffy covered her mouth with her hand as she scrambled out of the truck.

_What the bleedin' hell is wrong? She started this. I'm a mistake again._

The sound of her retching reached him and he rushed to find out what was wrong. Automatically he went to hold her hair back but there was nothing there. His hands fell futilely to his sides.

"Buffy, what's wrong?"

"We didn't use birth control."

_Oh, balls. We could be trapped._

Spike hated himself for the thought and he patted her on the back as she finished emptying her stomach. He knew it was the wrong time, the wrong situation, they'd just had one baby but would it be the end of the world? And as she straightened up, he knew for her it would be. All the terror and pain of her pregnancy was visible on her face. She reminded him of humans he'd tortured in the old days. The ones he forced to their breaking points just so he could see the look that now adorned his wife's countenance. He pulled her against him and murmured nonsensical words that wouldn't alleviate her emotions. Buffy's tears soaked through his t-shirt and there surrounded by the sounds of her sobbing and the smell of sex and vomit Spike saw how far into hell she'd truly traversed. 

~~~~~~~~~

_May 15, 2008_3:45 PM____

_No matter what angle you get_

_It's polished till it shines_

Spike slipped through the door Buffy had left ajar for him. She was carefully reapplying makeup as she stared into the mirror. Her eyes flickered to him and he held out the toothbrush, toothpaste and a bottle of water he'd gotten for her.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Spike said, leaning against the wall and opening his bottle of soda. The store's bathroom smelled of heavy antiseptic soap and had things written on the walls that made even him think twice. 

"Did you get stuff for later?" Buffy asked spitting toothpaste into the sink. At his quizzical expression she pointed at the condom machine on the wall.

_Oh. She wants to do it again. After all that she wants to fuck again…_

"It was the lack of birth control that got me upset."

_Maybe it was just sex after all. Maybe it wasn't me that she wanted._

His mind remembered something else that he'd buried and having found its moment returned screaming at him. 

"Did you ever want Dagon?"

Buffy grabbed her purse and threw everything into it. She stalked past him, stopped and looked back.

"If I have to answer that question than I don't know if there's even anyway for us to start over," Buffy said. "But just so we're clear; no, being raped doesn't turn me on." The door slammed shut in her wake.

_Oh my god, I asked that out loud. Stupid ponce. Did she say raped? _

Spike barely made it to the toilet as the bile rose in his throat. Even if it wasn't her body she felt everything that Dagon did. He had been told by the therapists, by Dawn, by Kate and he hadn't let it sink in. He hadn't let it past his barriers and now it was a murderous rage that left him shaking. 

_What have I done to her? _

"It wasn't your fault," Buffy said, handing him the toothbrush. 

She'd slipped back in when he'd been sick. His hand was trembling as he took the proffered item.

All he'd been concerned about was what she'd done to him and their children. His fury at Elijah and the baby being in danger had consumed him to the point where he couldn't see what had happened to Buffy. He'd needed someone to blame besides himself and she'd been the easy target. Now, he wished they'd left Dagon alive so that he could fully vent everything he was feeling.

Spike wiped his mouth with a paper towel as he chucked the brush into the trash. 

"It wasn't yours either."

Buffy, startled by his statement, turned wide eyes to him. She stared in wonder for a moment then the veil dropped again. She wasn't ready to trust him or declarations made in moments of intense emotions. There was still so much for them to talk about.

"I'll meet you in the truck," Buffy said, leaving him alone again. 

Spike pulled around to the front of the store to wait for her. The door opened and he watched as she slipped a box of condoms into her purse. She threw the bag away and climbed in beside him. Somehow in spite of everything she still wanted him. She just didn't want another pregnancy and he could live with that for now. 

_Does that mean I want her to stay; that I want to try again?_

It was still too complicated, too fragile, to think that far ahead and they made the rest of the trip home in silence. Buffy met him at the back of the truck to grab one of her bags.

"Go on," Spike said, waving her off. "They're waiting for you."

The front door of the house opened and their children came running out.

"Mummy, Mummy," Elijah screamed.

Buffy met him halfway across the yard, picked him up and swung him around. Raven and Sean threw their arms around her and his family was back together.

~~~~~~~~~

_May 15, 2008_6:48 PM____

_And when you say who the hell am I living with?_

_What just went down?_

It was tiring to be surrounded by so many happy people when all he wanted was to examine his feelings. Whatever connection or truce he and Buffy had made this afternoon was fading into a memory amongst the chaos that reigned in their house. No one was going away soon. Angel had commandeered his chair and was watching some old horror flick on television. Max, Xander and Anya were cleaning the kitchen from the impromptu dinner of Mexican fare. The young people were having a resounding game of cards in the dining room while the children played with Tara and Willow in the living room. There was more roaming the house but he'd lost track of them.

Spike looked up as someone moved in the hallway. It was Buffy starting up the stairs. She looked at him and crooked her finger so he'd follow her. He did. The hallway was empty on the second floor and he glanced at the stairs leading to the attic wondering if that was where she'd gone. Before he could take a step the bathroom door opened and her hand reached out to pull him in. The door was closed and he was pushed against it. His hand reached for the light switch.

"Leave it off," Buffy said, undoing his belt. 

He closed his eyes as his jeans were undone and he moaned as her mouth closed over him. She teased at it while her hands ran along his thighs, fingers squeezing into his flesh. He was now ready for her to do with as she wished. Her tongue circled him before she engulfed him again. 

_Oh bloody hell…_

His knees buckled and his hand clutched at the door trying to stay standing as Buffy sucked him with what seemed like every muscle in her mouth. His hand reached for her hair, encountered the stranger again when there were barely enough locks to wrap around his fingers. 

_Can't ride my pony no more…_

Spike's hand held the back of her head as he thrust into that heat. She took it and never asked for mercy when he went deeper and stronger. He waited for her to ask him to stop and she wouldn't do it. She took his punishment and swallowed every drop that he poured into her. 

_What other punishment would you take if I asked you to? Whips? Paddles? Another two months of lonely nights and empty arms? _

Buffy was so close to him as she put him away and fastened his jeans. She kissed him along his jaw as he stood there and did nothing. He didn't understand what was happening between them and before he could ask, she was gone.  

"Why?" Spike asked. "I asked you earlier and you just said the same reason as always but there's more."

There was only silence and he slipped into game face so he could see her in the dark. Buffy was sitting on the edge of the tub and he went to sit next to her.

"I know that sex is something you've always loved between us," Buffy said. "I'm hoping that if there is at least one reminder then you'll remember others."

"You're giving me sex hoping that it'll remind me that I love you."

"You said you hated me."

Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, yeah, I did and at the time I did but it's not like it was the first time. What I mean, Buffy, is that I've loved you and on occasion I've hated you, I've wanted you, been jealous of you; there's not a lot of things I haven't felt for you at one time or another. It's like its all part of the package, sometimes it's got pretty wrappings and bows and others times its like it was wrapped from a newspaper out of the garbage. But it never stays just one or the other. You know what I mean?"

Buffy smiled and nodded. "Do you still love me?"

_Yes. No. Neither answer is right and neither is wrong._

"I'm so confused," Spike said. "I'll always love you but I don't know if I trust you or even want to be in love with you anymore."

Buffy didn't cry or scream or even rant. She sat quietly beside him as she wrung her hands and breathed in and out as if she was counting the beats. He waited. She was working up to something and he was ready to hear.

"I'm sorry for what I did," Buffy said. "My head was so messed up, filled with all the things Drusilla was telling me and showing me. He wanted our baby and I never, _never intended for him to have her. I thought I could handle it without anyone getting hurt this time; no Giles being skewered, no Tara going crazy, no one else dying because of me but as usual I only made it worse."_

_It was seven months, Buffy; couldn't you see what was happening? To you? To us? To everyone around you? Why do you always feel like you're in this alone?_

Buffy kissed his cheek and stood. "You once asked me if I could love all that you were and now I guess I'm asking you the same. I'm not going to give up on us and I'll be around when you know for sure. You're worth the wait."

_Am I? _

~~~~~~~~

_March 15, 2008_9:53 PM__

_Where did this come from?_

_Why are all my colors faded brown?_

_When did it change?_

_What's with the rage?_

There was no way to avoid the 'conversation' anymore. The buffer of their family was gone. The children were asleep. It was down to her and him. Slowly he climbed the stairs wishing they would go on forever so he didn't have to go through with this. Anything was better than dealing with the myriad emotions that danced below the raging pain. 

Spike stepped into their attic room, and wonder danced in his heart at the sight before him.

Buffy was holding their baby to her breast.

_I will never complain about that damn bra again. Not if this is what I can look at._

"Come on, honey, I know I'm not who you're used to holding you when you wake up," Buffy said, both love and panic lacing her words. "You didn't mind me doing this when Auntie Tara and Kate were here helping us."

Journey refused to latch onto the nipple that Buffy was brushing against her cheek. The little one kept fussing making matching tears fall from Buffy's eyes. She glanced up at him, frustration marring her face and he hurried to their side. Sitting on the couch, Spike took their baby in his arms.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Spike cooed, rocking his daughter in the way that soothed her. "No crying allowed. Are you hungry?"

"Maybe you should just give her a bottle."

_Don't give up, Buffy, she needs you. _

"Face me," Spike instructed, turning toward Buffy. "It's going to be okay." He scooted closer to his wife until Journey was against her breast again. His fingers guided his daughter to the nourishment she needed. "Take it. It's really good. I've kind of always liked it myself." This time Journey started to feed. "Hold her, Buffy." 

Once Buffy was cuddling their baby, Spike pulled his shirt off, and wrapped it around Journey. 

"Kate said smells are really important. Maybe if…"

"If she has your scent then she'll accept me."

"Yeah," Spike said, going to the window and leaned against it.

"Thank you," Buffy said. "I know it was for her but thank you."

Spike didn't reply. It wasn't just for Journey. It was for them both. They needed each other. And contrary to any promises made before if he and Buffy broke up the kids and the house would be his. She wouldn't be able to handle it alone. Not right now. She would be soon but not now.

His mind wandered back to a conversation between him and Giles.

_Spike had gone to see Giles in an attempt to clear the chaos from his mind. Someone who knew Buffy almost as well as he did. He had to know. He had to figure something out before it was too late._

_"Spike," Giles said, his arm around his shoulders. "I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her once very long ago. To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it."_

_"I don't know if I can."_

_"You will if you want to keep your family together. You will if you want her back. There is no other way."_

_"How do I?"_

_"Just decide that having her is more important than the anger you're holding onto."_

The best thing for everyone was if he and Buffy stayed together. Sean and Raven were already counting on it. Elijah hadn't cried all night with his Mummy home. He would be a right bastard to send her away. Their family needed for them to find a way to make it work. Buffy was willing, more than willing and everything hung on his decision.

_Can I trust you? Can I love you even though you're no longer on the pedestal I kept you on for so long? Can I love the woman you've become?_

The first step to finding out the answers was for him to forgive her. He sat across from her again, marveling at the tiny infant drinking from Buffy's breast. He watched the peace on his wife's face as she participated in a ritual as old as time. 

"I forgive you."

The words came as quickly as he made the decision and he only hoped that she would understand. Her eyes searched his face and he wanted to say the other words she needed but he couldn't.

"Thank you," Buffy whispered. She seemed about ready to say something else but stopped, returning her gaze to their child. Her fingers drifted over Journey's soft cheek.

"Do you forgive me?"

_For not listening, for screaming at you, for not understanding your pain, do you forgive me for letting you down?_

"I did a long time ago," Buffy said, taking his hand. 

They had taken the first step…together.

~~~~~~~~

_March 15, 2008_11:51 PM__

__

_Who's the dude with the extra roll?_

_What's the verse, the line, the chapter, the page?_

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Buffy said, lying back on the table in their small kitchenette. "Is this some fetish you've never told me about?"

"No," Spike said, glancing up from where he was arranging things. "You said it needed to be done and I volunteered."

"You never have before."

_I never needed to find my girl before._

"Open up," Spike said, his hands resting on her knees, "can't do it unless you spread your legs."

"It's embarrassing," Buffy said, keeping her legs firmly together. "I know its stupid considering all the things we've done but it's never been so clinical before…"

He tickled the back of her knees. "Be a good girl for Dr. Spike and he'll give you a lollipop when we're done."

_What the hell was that? Playing? We're supposed to be talking, being serious, deciding our lives and you're playing doctor._

"No," Buffy said, shaking her head and giggling. "I already had a lollipop today."

Spike rested his chin on her knees, staring soulfully into her eyes, "Please, don't you trust me?"

_Of all the stupid, lamebrain questions to ask, you had to ask that one._

Her legs fell open, spreading to reveal her to him, "Yes, I trust you."

_I don't believe you._

It was a ghastly thought but it was true. If she had then she would have come to him. She would have told him everything. He wondered if he'd ever know everything or if he'd ever understand why.  His fingers spread the shaving cream over her labia as Buffy stared at him. 

"It was me that I didn't trust," Buffy said. 

_That I believe._

"It doesn't make sense," Spike said, pulling the razor across her flesh. He sighed. "I don't understand why you couldn't tell me. I'd die for you and you couldn't yell help."

"I don't want you to die for me," Buffy whispered. "I want you to live for me."

"And all I wanted was you."

"I didn't go anywhere…"

"Yes, you did," Spike bit out, pulling away from her; afraid of accidentally hurting her. "You were gone and I don't understand why. I don't know if I can ever trust you again."

"I can tell you everything, every moment of the entire time but it won't erase it. I can tell you every reason why I thought it was necessary not to tell you but you'll only see it as I didn't trust you."

_Because you didn't._

Spike returned to shaving her, concentrating on the cold metal as it took away the hair neither of them was used to.  Buffy lay perfectly still, her eyes closed, letting him close to her…trusting him not to cut her. Trusting him with her heart, trusting him with their children and all of their futures, trusting him to make her dreams come true, trusting him to come back to her; and he understood that there were a thousand ways that she did trust him.

_Maybe it wasn't because she didn't trust you. Maybe it was because she was terrified, confused and doing the best she could._

And that made him even more of an ass than he thought. It was easier to blame her for everything that went wrong than accept the truth. Easier than accepting his fair share of the blame. If he'd taken care of Dagon before, if he'd taken care of Drusilla, if he'd listened to what Buffy was saying it would have turned out differently. The pregnancy might have been a joyous time that they could have shared instead of the nightmare that made Buffy terrified to ever carry another child.

Spike wiped the last of the cream away. "All done and I must say it's quite pretty."

"Pig," Buffy said, sitting up and glancing down. "Not bad." She waggled her brows at him. "Wanna take a shower with me? Give it a test drive?"

"Don't you think we need to talk? Finish this? Make some kind of decision."

Buffy sighed, slid off the table and pulling her robe around her. He watched as she cleaned up after their experiment and finally returned to stand in front of him.  "Okay, let's talk. Do you want details? Do you want promises that won't be accepted because you don't trust me? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? Do you want to beat me up?"

"Fine be that way," Spike snapped. "Make jokes, shag me, play with me but don't be serious with me. I guess it doesn't matter to you."

"No, William, it does matter to me. It matters a lot to me but you're digging for something that isn't going to magically appear no matter how many times we say the same words. I want to start living again. I want us to build a new and stronger life together. And yes, I want to make love to you because that's all it's ever been for me. No matter what form it takes. It's always been done in love."

"Except when you let Drusilla in our bed," Spike said, closing his eyes. Humiliation and shame filled him at the thought of Drusilla being with him when he didn't even know it. It was a violation of the vows he made to Buffy the summer before and the promises that he made to her when they were first together. It was a violation of him.

_Is this how she felt? Is this how I'd feel if I'd been unfaithful?_

"Oh," Buffy said, cupping his face, stroking the angled planes of his cheeks with her thumbs. "We shared thoughts and feelings but it was only me that made love to you. Your love was too powerful to let her between us. You were always the link in the chain holding us together and when you made love to me it closed everything out. Remember when you explained the ritual to me and you said that you could choose what to open up or close. You heart was a shield protecting what was sacred between mates."

"Then how?" Spike asked, unsure of how to proceed. "How could Dagon?"

"There were times when Drusilla was completely in control and she'd switch bodies with me or she'd open the gates so that we were flowing into one. He'd see the distant look in her eyes and he'd strike." Buffy stopped, her hands dropping to her sides, her eyes closed as revulsion crossed her face. "He…he got off on hurting us. Either one, it didn't matter because we both belonged to you and it would hurt you to hurt us. I fought him, Will, I did…I never wanted that…" Buffy choked back a sob, leaning into him, silently begging for his comfort.

"I'm sorry," Spike said, wrapping his arms around her. "Oh, God, Buffy, I'm so sorry…I swore I'd always protect you and I didn't…I failed."

"No, we have to stop this," Buffy cried. "We have to get past this blaming, this guilt."

_I can't stop. I just started dealing with this. You've had time and people to talk to...I'm always on the outside. I don't understand any of this. I always let you go. Why can't I hold on to you? Do I want to hold onto you?_

"I'm right here," Buffy said, squeezing him close to her. "Right here with you for as long as I can."

No more promises of forever. They both realized that was a false dream that you could be woken from at any moment. All they had was today and she was promising him that.

And he trusted her enough to give it to him.

~~~~~~~~~

_May 16, 2008_1:47 AM__

__

_You think you're alone without any place left to go_

_Like you need one of those kisses long and slow_

Buffy was moaning and thrashing under the attention his tongue was giving to her. He wanted to swim inside of her, to disappear forever into her, it was his heaven. Her fingers wound through his hair and he took a deep breath before pressing his face against her.  

_Why the hell did I do something so that I have to breathe? Just want to keep my nose in here forever._

"Please, don't stop, almost there," Buffy pleaded, her toes digging into his ribs. "Oh, God, Baby, it feels so good. Need you so much…only you."

Her babbling pushed him to the edge as his hips wiggled against the sheets, simulating sex as his fingers pressed into her body. He sucked at her like she had with him earlier and Buffy shot up as her hand covered her mouth to stifle the scream he provoked.

_Oh, yeah, still got it. I'm still the big bad…still bad to the bone. Yep, still can satisfy my lady and make her lose control._

Spike crawled up her trembling body; planting kisses along her sweat streaked flesh and settled against her. He nuzzled her throat, nipping along while rubbing himself against her. 

"Stop, Will," Buffy gasped. "I can get preg…"

"Sorry," Spike responded, rolling off of her and onto his back with an arm flung over his face.  How did he go from being the best lover to dunce in the space of a minute? Buffy's hand crept across his chest but he ignored it, ignored her sigh until he heard her sitting up. He looked out to see her getting out of the bed. He grabbed her shoulder. "Don't go. I…don't know what I'm doing anymore."

His hand cupped the back of her neck and pulled Buffy down. She sprawled across his torso with her arm lying across his thighs. His hand had never left her and moved up into her hair as she settled on him. The short locks were caressed and dangled through fingers before his hand drifted along the neck no longer hidden behind her long hair. He spread his hand out along her upper back as he explored her. 

"Is it so bad?" Buffy asked as his hand returned to her hair.

"No, not really, it's just different but it could have its benefits." She shivered as his fingers tickled the back of her neck. "So, do you have those things?"

"Yeah."

Sometime during the day she must have put the condoms into the nightstand. She pulled one out and handed it to him.

_What am I supposed to do with this thing? _

"Want me to?" Buffy asked.

Spike nodded and he watched as she sheathed him in the condom. 

_Why the hell do blokes wear these things? I look ridiculous and it's uncomfortable._

Buffy laughed and he looked up from where he'd been staring at it. 

"Is it that bad?" 

"Yeah, it is," Spike said, glancing up at her. Something shifted in her eyes and he went to cover. "I'll get used to it. Don't how the hell I'm supposed to feel anything with it all covered up?"

"If you'd like," Buffy said, shifting onto her stomach and raising her bottom just a bit. "We can do it this way."

It was impulse. He smacked her ass. She yelped and rolled onto her back. The look on her face was priceless as she stared at him. 

_That was good, go and piss her off. See if you get any now._

Buffy pounced, straddling him while her finger poked into his chest. "You are mean and evil and a…"  
  


"And a what?"  Spike asked, flipping them. His fingers danced along her ribs while she giggled uncontrollably beneath him. Her hands beat along his arms but he ignored her protests, digging into her waist. 

"Stop, please stop," Buffy pleaded, laughing as she twisted trying to get away. "Please, don't, god, stop, Spike stop it."

_She called me Spike._

They both stopped, staring at each other, accepting that she had reverted to his nickname again. Spike stared into her eyes, waiting, something telling him that this slip was momentous in some way. It was. He saw a wall break inside of her, the dust flaring in the shifting shade of her eyes, her hands running over his body like she needed to remind herself that he was alive. 

"Spike, Spike, my Spike," Buffy chanted, each utterance of his name punctuated by a kiss to his flesh, to his lips. Her hands clutched at him, pushing him onto his back, sinking onto his length. "Spike, Spike, I was so scared that you didn't want me. Spike, I love you, Spike, I tired to pretend you were someone else. Not my Spike, not my heart, not my lover."

Spike met each rise and fall of her hips, grinding against him, accepting him home. The last of her walls broke as he watched in wonder. The unfamiliar cloaked them while they tried to hide but this was them. This was her soul completely bared before him. She held nothing back. The bed rocked and squeaked giving accompaniment to the power of the music they made as he met her with his heart wide open. They were two forces of nature colliding as they found each other again. Beneath the surface changes they found that their hearts and souls were still the same as they came undone in each other's arms. 

~~~~~~~~

_May 16, 2008_8:42 AM____

_First glance is not what it seems_

_But there's some things I just know_

_Like you take two sugars with a splash of cream_

__

Buffy was singing. "_The bough breaks and down will come baby cradle and all_."

Smiling, Spike stumbled into the kitchen, looking first for his wife and baby. They were sitting at the table Journey nestled in his wife's arms.

"Look, there's Daddy," Buffy cooed. "He finally woke up."

Spike laughed, turning to look around the kitchen for the rest of his family. Del was making eggs at the stove while Raven and Sean were getting juice and toast. Elijah sat at the table next to Buffy. He picked his son up and put him on his lap.

"Good morning," Spike said, hugging Eli, making him laugh. He turned to Buffy, leaning over to kiss her cheek as his fingers tickled Journey's stomach. "Good morning to you bitsy. Mummy get you fed and stuff."

"Spike," Buffy said. "Do you think I'm not capable of taking care of our baby?"

_God, you're beautiful._

"You should have seen her with the diaper," Raven said, sitting across from her parents. "It was hilarious." 

"Do you have to tell on Mum?" Sean complained, smacking Raven in the back of her head before sitting at the head of the table.

It would seem like pettiness and bitching if everyone wasn't grinning. Spike sat back, rubbing his son's back as Eli ate his breakfast. There was no tension anywhere in the room except maybe from Candy whining to go out. Del laid a plate of scrambled eggs on the table and went to let her out. 

_Thank god, if I had to step in piddle one more time, that animal would have been a snack._

"Hey, so what are doing this summer?" Raven asked, loading her plate with food. "I was thinking maybe we could go to the beach on vacation. Connor said he'd take over patrolling so I could leave town."

"No, beach," Sean said, pulling the platter toward him. "I say we go to Colorado."

"Disney," Elijah said, leaning back against his father. "I wanna go to Disney."

"We already did that," Raven said. "If not the beach, how about we go to Mexico?"

"Do you have to be so frivolous?" Sean asked, casting a dirty look at his sister.

"Oh, like the mountains is some great intellectual retreat."

"Hey, shush, you two," Del said, taking a seat. "Your Mum has Journey now. You have to go somewhere that she can be comfortable."

Spike glanced at Buffy but her eyes remained downcast refusing to look at him. They had broken barriers down last night but he still hadn't said if he still wanted her in his life. She wasn't sure if she would be around to go on vacation with them. 

_Oh, Baby, don't you know how much I love you? How much I need you?_

Spike reached over and tucked a small curl behind her ear. He smiled at her when she bravely looked up at him but there was still uncertainty in her eyes. 

"Del's right," Spike said. "Give me proposals on where everyone wants to go and your Mum and I will go through them. After we decide we'll let you know."

His proclamation seemed to go unheard from the children as they continued to argue on where they wanted to go. Spike didn't hear them as Buffy gazed at him with happiness shining from her eyes for the first time in months.

"Come here, wench," Spike said, pulling her to him, kissed her and then whispered against her ear. "I love you. Stay with me forever."

"No where else I want to be," Buffy sighed. "Hey," she turned to face the children upon hearing Raven's latest idea. "I am not taking Journey on a camping trip into the Grand Canyon. Can we just go some place that we can relax and be comfortable?"

"Well, that leaves out everyplace that will be fun," Raven complained, resting her chin in her hand.

"Well, Cordelia did rent that huge house on the beach…" Buffy said.

_Yep, we're together again_. 

Spike sat back and watched as his family playfully argued about where they were going to go on vacation. It was real and they were in it together.

For better or worse till the end of time.

~~The End~~

**Song lyrics are 'The Back of Your Hand' by Dwight Yoakum

**Author's Note:  **Do you still have unanswered questions about the Baby universe? Questions like: Do Raven and Connor ever get together or does their love fade as first love often does? Does Cordelia win back Angel's heart? Does Max ever find love and someplace to live besides the Blood's couch? Is there any freaking way that Buffy and Spike could have a little romance and adventure without the heart wrenching angst in just one of these stories? If so then keep an eye out for _Down Comes Baby; the fourth installment in the Baby series. _

**Thank you** to DarrylJ, my beta, for holding my hand and pushing me to do better. I couldn't have made it without you. 

**Thank you **to Tobert, Caitee Marsters, Lisa, Rogue Fan, Faith76, Shaylith, Angel Dee 81, Jessica, Lis, darrel doomvomit, Nellie, AnastasiaMarsters, Josephine Martin, buffy, EVILxLINT, Gina, DayWalker, Sylvia, SAB6, Sarah, msu, Rachel9, Miss B, j, Slyslayer13, charmed1ofmany, syl, Fiona, Night, BuffySummers168, Rogue Angel, Hanna, Crazee8tz, viv, Brianna, Bear and Odita for your reviews. I appreciate them more than you know.

**And a final Thank you **to everyone else who has read and stood by this story.


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